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Bellisimo

Bellisimo My whole story, from hell to heaven! There IS hope. (warning: Long)

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I still cannot consider myself as a fully recovery story, I have a long way to get there i belive BUT i will tell you all that for a few months ago i could never even imagine i would feel like this today.. Im much better ..

The thing that was worrying me the MOST was the bad memory i had and i forgot things all the time and had massive blackouts and was SOO confused, i can tell you that this is almost completly gone, also my feeling of loosing my half body and indentity, i havent suffer from those things in a few months now..

and THAT means so much for me that im not atleast going demental lol

 

Soon its 9 months free, i feel SO PROUD what a journey!!

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Sounds like a success story to me! I'm thrilled for you! You're getting your life back and it's amazing.

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Congrats! I am currently going through what you went through...waking up in the morning confused and anxious....feeling like your not in real life.. Paranoid all the time .......and really bad memory problems :( it sucks. But I am so happy your feeling better! You give me hope! Keep it up!!

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aww i know EXACTLY how you feel and i know how afraid i were, it was the totally worse for me that feeling but i can promise you that it will go away, try keep it out.. i had that intensive period of panicattack and waking up with palpations and extreme confusion , i mean really confused!!! for one period , and it never came back , now i have other symtoms but waaaay much milder and as i said i can function and i hope it just gets better and better

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I just noticex i started having like obsisive thinking...like i think about the same thought over and over again.

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from have had insomnia almost every time since i stop my medicine i can say i sleep much better now, i get atleast 6hours of sleep and i think what i feel i can sleep deeper, i no longer wake up easily like i used to do, i used to wake up from small things but now i sleep in a row many nights :D always some progress =)

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The thing that was worrying me the MOST was the bad memory i had and i forgot things all the time and had massive blackouts and was SOO confused, i can tell you that this is almost completly gone, also my feeling of loosing my half body and indentity, i havent suffer from those things in a few months now..

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i havent suffer from those things in a few months now..

 

Sher77, would you like to start a topic about yourself in out Introductions section and tell us more about yourself? The instructions are at the top of the first page of the site after you log in.

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Iam updating a bit. Iam now 19 months off ssri

 

Last month in feb 2015 ( off 18 months ) I could FINALLY start exercising again (hard exercise were i really push myself) wihout any problem with increased symtoms, its a big step for me :D  I can now exercise daily (if i want) and im loosing weight..

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Well done Bellissimo.

You deserve every success and happiness.

xxx

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Congratulations Bellisimo, you really are a success story, thank you for updating it gives people hope when they see others are healed  :)

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More progress!

 

Even though my symtoms that I got in waves have been mild , i always felt tremor , innershakings weird feelings in the background. in the waves these shakings was more serve etc..

 

now, after 22 months I suddenly felt different. it all stopped. I dont even feel it a bit inside.
I have no idea if it will come back but i feel different then ever before.. to stop shake from been shaking for almost two years its for me a miracle and i cant be more happy than this! ^_^:D

 

Iam so proud today that I am medicine free, I never thought I could do it, but I did it and it was well worth it! wow!

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I still cannot consider myself as a fully recovery story, I have a long way to get there i belive BUT i will tell you all that for a few months ago i could never even imagine i would feel like this today.. Im much better ..

The thing that was worrying me the MOST was the bad memory i had and i forgot things all the time and had massive blackouts and was SOO confused, i can tell you that this is almost completly gone, also my feeling of loosing my half body and indentity, i havent suffer from those things in a few months now..

and THAT means so much for me that im not atleast going demental lol

 

Soon its 9 months free, i feel SO PROUD what a journey!!

 

Thank you for sharing.  Congratulations on your body healing from the damaged to this point, I'm sure you'll be in even better shape this time next year.

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Bellissimo, I'm so happy for you! I'm also trying to heal from the damage done by citalopram. You said that after 18 months off you were able to exercise again. Was the muscle weakness the reason why you couldn't exercise before that?

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Thank you for posting your experience. It is a beacon of hope and I am very happy for you :)

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I wil post my whole story in a new thread , that will be my final story from start to ending bc i feel that i have healed.. There isnt really anything i can complain about today 2years and 6 months later haha .. but hang in there guys. Grass IS totally greener on the other side! Believe me! 

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I promised to come back and write my story after 2 years off ssri, its been now 2years and 6months off and i have got my life back. I can finally say that iam happy, excited and full of joy and love again for everything in this beautiful world! <3 After a really long suffering.. Iam pleased and blessed to be one of those who comes out as a survivor. 

if you having a real hell, read my story, and know there is hope.. Everyone has their own journey. My journey was for sure the hardest journey i have been going thru in my whole life and my life has not been easy , i can say that without going into detail. So Ssri WD is REAL and it is NOT easy. that is a fact, believe it and make the journey as comfty as possible with all your tools you have around you. 

 

The story im about to post under here will be my last one, bc there  is nothing after this moment bc i can feel i have healed. There is a point when you feel you are yourself again. I know it and it feels wonderful.. I will still login from time to time to try support every brave person in here.. and being patient is the keyword. If you are patient you can do it.

 

My story from the start to the end of this crazy trip. 

 

After a few weeks, the body went in chock. You could be perfectly fine  one day then the next day your whole world would be upside down.

I were in a desperate need of help, of something that i didnt know what. I thought i was prepared but I wasnt. I had never ever in my whole life experience what i was about to experience.

How could I be prepared of something i had never gone thru before? No in my mind before I decided to stop my ssri, i was determinded to stop and success. i was a fighter , i tried to quit for 4 years. I came to a point were I felt I had to stop. My life with the medicine was a hell, my body was failing

high bloodpressure, kidneyproblems, gained alt of weight, felt more depressed, tired all the time and had no feeling of either happiness or anger at all. i was living in a emotionell cold world were emotions didnt exist.

 

I took my last pill and prayed to something up there, even tho im not really religious but i prayed that this would be the right time to finally start to live my life without it.

I didnt feel i needed it anymore since I felt it only caused me problems, i came to a point were i bascially cudnt care less if i died right there and then on the medicine so it was bad.

 

I was excited, and happy. Had told myself to daily tell myself what i will experience if i will experience anything it will be bc i stopped the medicine and not bc iam sick or that iam going insane. I felt strong..

A few weeks passed, i felt a bit anxious and restless but extremly excited to win this battle. I felt hyper.. more time went by and i was thinking i had made it for once, but wow how wrong i were.

 

Then one night i felt like something inside me exploded and this huuuuuge panic spread trhu my body , i got what i felt was blackout after blackout in my head, flashes , lighting in my head and a hedache from hell and i was thinking now i will probably pass out. I didnt.

I coudlnt sit still, i coudlt lay down, i screamed in panic of this unknown thing that was happening inside my body .. I run thru livingroom,, bathroom, kicthen , all in panic begging not to die. Then i called hospital and they said u probably having a panicattack. ( i had never ever experience one before)

I had panicattacks roll in one after another for 6 hours that night praying to trust the hospital that i woudlnt die.

 

From that point my life started to become the worst nightmare i had ever experience.

 

When i finally got some sleep, I woke up in panic, felt like someone or something just shot me in my heart and i had to wake up, all shaky and panicing i wud die again, over and over , night after night .. I went to hospital , emergency I said something is terrible wrong and u have to check me out, I remember that day when i were going to hospital and i bearly remember where i were or who i were, I felt so confused.

When i were at the train, i bascially ran thru the whole train until it stopped, in panic. People looked at me but i cudnt care less bc i were in my own world.

I LIVED in panic, daily. Doctor took tests, didnt find anything wrong. I never believed them, i got paranoid and felt EVERYONE was against me. I felt the world is mad and crazy and i thought every single doctor wanted to lie or harm me.

I were scared I coudlnt work bc i coudlnt leave my house anymore.

 

What first started as panic, got to insomnia, my body never found rest, i didnt sleep correctly for months, i slept max 2 -3 hours, i started to hallucinate and having huge nightmares.

 

then one day i stood in my livingroom looking out of  the window, it felt ike a movie, not real. hard to explain but scary. I looked out again , looked at my cat , had forgotten his name even tho i had him fr 6 years..

i went to rest on the day to try sleep, woke up with the weirdest feeling ever, CONFUSION , i asked myself in my head. what is my name? I tried to force myself to remember and when i did i started to cry alot, bc i was scared of why i wud forget my own name or were i were.

I walked into kicthen, then in the kicthen i asked myself were am I ? i had already forgot. I called doctor said im loosing my memory i need help. They took tests ect didnt find any wrong..

Another strange symtom that I had which was probably the most scary one aswell, was that one day when i woke up , i didnt connect with one side of my body.. It didnt feel like that arm, that hand was connected to my body, and that feeling was very very weird and scary.

It felt so weird when i moved that side, it just didnt match and i cudnt connect to it. My recuse was when i met a man who told me he also had it in wd, and its normal and nothing to be scared of and it also had a name. It made me feel better because i thought i had a braindamage somehow.

 

Another day while standning in the livingroom looking out of the window, i got the most painful hedache and pain in my eyes and neck that i thought right there and then that my head wud explode.

My neck was cramping, so stiff , my muscles cudnt relax, after that "attack" i have had eyefloates and a stiff neck that is hard to make relax and suffer from migranes.

Just a few days after while layig in bath my head started, this noise that i never had experience before .. but i knew that this buzzing head, vibrations is common in wd so i force to tell myself, its bc of the medicine.. But so annoying.

Dizziness catch me pretty bad , balanceissues, felt like i were standing on a boat for months.
Brainzaps came too

 

Then frustration and sadness.. I was so aggressive to the point were i cudnt even see anyone bc of the risk i wud just shout at that person for no reason. I stayed inside , isolated myself from people around me and the anger i felt for the community and doctors etc was extremly intense. It took me long time, over a year bascially to trust a doctor again after what i went thru, because they never warned me or believed me.

then we have the sadness, oh wow.. the sadness that came to me was deep sorrow, i cried daily for months, begged to die bascially , i cried for everything!

All worlds misery, i thought of my life - i cried. I watched a movie  maybe not even a sad one i cried. I watched the news I cried. I cudnt no anything at all without crying..

 

three months of extreme sadness..

 

Burning skin also occur after i stopped my ssri, its way much better now but its been a big problem aswell.

Tremor is coming and go still but alot better..

 

I developed musclespasm/cramp in my right side of body nighttime after a few months and had it for almost 2 years :/

I went into a brainscan and i did eeg , everything was negative.

 

There are alot of symtoms that i went thru, everyting was a mess in my head for a very long time, i realise now that my body was in chock for a very long time. It took me a long time to recover and it took me hard work.

have to learn how to regulate each and every emotion again, have to learn how to relax (bc ur body cant) have to learn how to be patient, everything u took for granted before .. it felt like starting from scratch again..

 

And also I were very hypocondric for a very long time, i was sure i was dying.I was sure i had MS, parkinsson, ALS, lyme disease, braintomour, all in one!
 It didnt help that doctors said no u r fine, i was 100% sure i had something inside me that was killing me and i wudnt last long. to walk with this fear daily for months, up to a year is hard.

Thinking u will die soon and there is no way u can continue your life.

I started to write letters to every single person that i cared about, telling them that my time has come and i wont be here for so much longer. Then i laid down and i cried and i prepared for death.

that period was something that i didnt even existed. I went thru my life, started to regret stuff that i had done while i was "living a good life" i tried to make up by calling ppl that i loved , saying sorry , and stuff like that.

and then i waited, in my bed .. for death. Every night for a long time i called this man which was a new friend,  crying , every night thinking this wud be my last night. He helped me thru the night.. He was my angel going thru the same **** that i were going thru.

 

This deathfear and hypocondric feeling was with me for a long time, months, or maybe up to a year before i actually cud start to relax and understand that i was actually not dying.

 

I started to exercise some, from time to time.. at first i got huge fatigue and pain in my muscles, but after a while i cud do it more and more.. it felt good.

 

What i didnt realise when i decided to stop my ssri was that i had to actually create myself again from start.

I have alwatys been a very strong and independent women, always fit for fight and took care of my own **** until i went on that journey , from starting my ssri to become healed from it.

 

I will say like many others have said that has quit it.. I regret 100% that i ever started it.

And i wish those pills cud ONLY be given to ppl who are extremly suicidal.. bc i was not and i got them quite easy and what i went thru when i stopped it will always be a memory of fear in my mind.

 

Today, 2 years and 6months after the last pill i can finally say i feel fit for fight again!!

I can exercise alot and hard ..I do hard work and my body feels perfectly fine with it.

I can eat whatever i want, and i do sleep maybe a bit too much nowdays ;) but there is no problem at all to sleep 8 hours + .

I work AND i study :) at the same time. I feel its perfectly fine.

the oneside cramps has stopped since a while back.

Today i can live, today i see only possibilities in my life and im very happy. I have a wonderful fiance that i love from the bottom of my heart, a very supportive man.

Im looking forward to have my own kids soon and to live happy for the rest of my life. I have learn my lesson. No more drugs!

 

What I learn thru my journey what my body felt best with, was to cut off
- alcohol
- sugar
Careful with suppliments, herbs and coffein.

Coffeine and sugar was a great activator for symtoms to increase.
Do relaxation daily, be in a calm place, dont have too much stimula around u, I got very paniced and confused in the beginning when i had too much ”action” around me.. It cud be too much ppl, too much noise, too much flashings etc, my brain wud stop work and i wud just panic and start to shake.

This doesnt happen today,  its very rare i can be around alot of ppl i work in a stressful job and it works fine today.

 

At one point aswell i cudnt watch tv, or listen to music bc it wud cause me to panic and it felt it was way to intense for me.. like my brain cudnt handle all the information. 

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Wow, Bellisimo, what a inspiring story!

I can't say enough how strong you have been and how happy I am for you to get back to heaven from this true hell!

 

Thanks so much for sharing your experience! It gives everyone here great hope!

 

Love,

Lex

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Bellisimo,

 

Congratulations and thank you so much for your success story!  It is inspirational for me and I'm sure for so many members who continue to suffer.

 

Best of luck as you go forward and LIVE!!!!

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Now, that's what I call a Success Story! Congratulations, you are a fighter! And thank you.

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Wow,I can't believe how strong you are.I need stories like this daily, it's what keeps me going.

Great story .

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Thanks guys :-) I hope it will give hope to people out there 

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Thank you Bellissimo for telling your story! It's so comforting to read  :)

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Thanks Bellisimo, I am currently at 9 months off Cymbalta. How did you cope during your difficult waves?  When did you notice that you were feeling better? At 12 mo? 24 mo?

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Thanks Bellisimo, I am currently at 9 months off Cymbalta. How did you cope during your difficult waves?  When did you notice that you were feeling better? At 12 mo? 24 mo?

Helllo,, gratz for being off 9 months :) 

How did I cope hehe that is a difficult question but when I had bad waves I tried mybest to avoid any kind of stress, and I tried to tell myself it was just a wave and it will get better again amd that iam not alone. I also tried to eat very good and take care of my body as best .. 

I think it were after around 8 months that i saw some improvement , then after a year and then again after x months, then after 2 years + I found myself back to normal.. 

 

I wish you the best of luck 

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Thank you much for sharing. You don't even know how much you are helping me. I understand perfectly When you talk about being

In fear that you might have something else going on other than wds. When I've had palpitations I thought I was having

Heart attack at she 20. Currently I've been having chest pains however the er doctor said all tests came out fine. Just inflammation on the chest wall. Did you ever have that?

One therapist that I saw recently said I should be tested for Lyme. Did you have that test.? I had asked my doctor a while back, ( he does believe in withdrawals) that lyme test have false positives and thst would huge coincidence that all this would turn out to be Lyme when I had just cut half of my ad.

 

I bookmarked your story Everytime I need reassurance that this nightmare will end.

Thanks again.

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Hey Lexy. Iam glad my story could help you a bit. I totally understand the fear of going around and having a secret disease that no one can find =( Wd is awful truly. About palpations and lyme, yes i have had longterm palpations  for a long time.. I dont know how many EKG tests I did and they always came out fine.. I think its the stress the body goes trhu, the panic u know in this wd, cause all kind of symtoms.. it is very scary. When my body started to relax, deeply then the palpations stopped. Being in panic/fear/tension mood all the time cause a bunch of symtoms, and the worst part of it is that it feels impossible to relax have to wait it out.. its like your body have to take care of the distress itself , correct it .. but I could wake up every night of extreme chestpain and went into emergency time after time until i woke up and felt it but thoguth docs cant help me so if i die i will die right here and now. i was drained of energy and hope.. but it got better. today  i dont have palpations and i cant rememeber when i had it last :) 

About lyme ,  I thought for a long time that i had lyme, many ppl that i spoke to in wd said they also had lyme.. But I thought ike this, first of all that these symtoms started after i stop my ssri and i remember from before that when i tried to quit i got same symtoms and when i went back to the drug it stopped. Doctors never took a lyme test on me because they didnt belive i had it, but if they wanna take it on u ishould take it .. just incase. But i dont believe u have it but if they offer u to take it i would do just to make you a bit calmer if they say it was negative.. I know the test can be tricky but i believe there is two tests that can be taken.. 

Best of luck 

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another positive thing that i never thought I would say is that when you heal and when you become better, you will automatically stop talk and think so much of the suffering and when u have been good for a long time you have a tendence to forget "how difficult it was".. like today I dont really think of what happened to me , I can talk about it without getting scared and even if i remember almost everything it feels very far away from me.. and iam happy for that. 

Many times when i look back on my wd journey im thinking of the phases of trauma, chock, panic, fear ignorance, confusion etc, then recovery comes, then acceptance comes .. and so on.. 

 

in the beginning when i had a really rough time I spoke to everyone about my suffering, I had the need to talk about it and i believe  that is a very big "healing itself" to talk about it with someone, to hear you are not crazy .. I also belive its important to try distract your thought sometimesand think about positive things, like "this will go away, im not going crazy , its all just my brain trying to change back", nothing to be afraid of and try do stuff that makes u happy and feel calm.. 

 

But like today its very rare im even thinking of the past, im living in the moment and i have accepted that i went into that wd chock but now its good again :D and can move on with my life <3

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Thank you for writing your story! 

 

I was wondering how old are you? :)

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another positive thing that i never thought I would say is that when you heal and when you become better, you will automatically stop talk and think so much of the suffering and when u have been good for a long time you have a tendence to forget "how difficult it was".. like today I dont really think of what happened to me , I can talk about it without getting scared and even if i remember almost everything it feels very far away from me.. and iam happy for that. 

Many times when i look back on my wd journey im thinking of the phases of trauma, chock, panic, fear ignorance, confusion etc, then recovery comes, then acceptance comes .. and so on.. 

 

in the beginning when i had a really rough time I spoke to everyone about my suffering, I had the need to talk about it and i believe  that is a very big "healing itself" to talk about it with someone, to hear you are not crazy .. I also belive its important to try distract your thought sometimesand think about positive things, like "this will go away, im not going crazy , its all just my brain trying to change back", nothing to be afraid of and try do stuff that makes u happy and feel calm.. 

 

But like today its very rare im even thinking of the past, im living in the moment and i have accepted that i went into that wd chock but now its good again :D and can move on with my life <3

Great success story. Thank you for sharing it. May I ask what was your original diagnosis? and did you experience a relapse? I'm fearing that I won't return to my pre ssri self, the sweet slightly anxious self.  

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oh and what about sexual dysfunction/ interest? Right now I have no interest in guys whatsoever which is VERY unlike I used to. 

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Thank you for writing your story! 

 

I was wondering how old are you? :)

Iam 28 year old, soon 29.

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another positive thing that i never thought I would say is that when you heal and when you become better, you will automatically stop talk and think so much of the suffering and when u have been good for a long time you have a tendence to forget "how difficult it was".. like today I dont really think of what happened to me , I can talk about it without getting scared and even if i remember almost everything it feels very far away from me.. and iam happy for that. 

Many times when i look back on my wd journey im thinking of the phases of trauma, chock, panic, fear ignorance, confusion etc, then recovery comes, then acceptance comes .. and so on.. 

 

in the beginning when i had a really rough time I spoke to everyone about my suffering, I had the need to talk about it and i believe  that is a very big "healing itself" to talk about it with someone, to hear you are not crazy .. I also belive its important to try distract your thought sometimesand think about positive things, like "this will go away, im not going crazy , its all just my brain trying to change back", nothing to be afraid of and try do stuff that makes u happy and feel calm.. 

 

But like today its very rare im even thinking of the past, im living in the moment and i have accepted that i went into that wd chock but now its good again :D and can move on with my life <3

Great success story. Thank you for sharing it. May I ask what was your original diagnosis? and did you experience a relapse? I'm fearing that I won't return to my pre ssri self, the sweet slightly anxious self.  

 

I got my SSRI in the first place because I felt low. It was so easy to get a medicine, they put depression but I dont even think i was that depressed 

When I stopped the SSRI I had alot of different symtoms, depression, anxiety, panics, etc.. and alot of symtoms i had never ever experienced before in my life. Mostly all of the doctors would say its a relapse if the symtoms last longer than like 2 weeks or something haha but no im fine today, im happy but in my wd period iwas depressed. I think its normal to feel some anixiety and depression etc when you start to feel your emotional again, ssri is a great "emotional blocker" atleast it was for me, and i felt kinda confused with the emotionalstorm after i stopped for some time.

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oh about the sexual interest, while on ssri i bearly had any lust at all, but after i stopped i got it back alot.

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Bellismo so happy for you! You made it through to the other side. Your story is inspirational. Thanks

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Hi bellisimo

You give us hope to keep pushing through these tough times. Thank you so much for your story.

Hardy

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