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SkyBlue

SkyBlue: Paxil taper

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SkyBlue

Oh! I forgot the best part. 

 

I told my provider about the loopiness… and he offered to "give me something" to help with that. Aiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I laughed maniacally then left! No, I said "thanks, but no thanks; I know it's temporary." 

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SkyBlue

Hi everyone,

 

I am looking for support today. 

 

I had several good days. Hopeful! Okay! Then Thursday night I got pulled back like a rubber band, having suicidal thoughts (I took care of myself; reached out etc.) Yesterday was very depressed but was *not* isolating --  I called a friend and I also went to a wonderful geeky yoga class.

 

I feel like today I'm kind of coming out of it. I've done some exercise and going to try to rest (didn't sleep well last night). I could just use some encouraging words from people who know how it feels to think you're doing better, and -- BAM. 

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Ali4

Hello Skyblue,

 

You got this!! Remember windows and waves, this too shall pass, we just need to continue the fight and conquer, WE CAN DO IT and we will get better! Ali

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SkyBlue

THANK you, Ali!!! :)  Thank you for the encouragement. 

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Ali4

You are most welcome my friend, just roll with it and soon enough it will be a thing of the past, then we celebrate.... WE ARE WARRIORS! ☺️

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KarenB

SkyBlue, I'm so happy to hear how you are really looking after yourself.  As Ali4 says - you've got this!

 

So they have an anti-loopiness drug now?  I could use something like an anti-mum-you're-so-not-funny drug.  (Yes, I have a teenager).  Perhaps an anti-I-need-that-chocolate-now drug. 

 

Good lord...

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SkyBlue

@Ali, we will definitely celebrate!

 

@Karen, thank you. Yes, so many fabulous drugs available for any ailment.  ;)  ;)

 

Thanks, you guys! 

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SkyBlue

Hi all,

 

I need some help today.

 

I've been having these symptoms: 

* depressed mood, off and on, -- including suicidal thoughts [but I am safe… I have MANY reasons to live]

* anxiety about everything, *(not panic as much as feeling the whole world is so scary)

* and sooooo tired. Sleeping plenty; always needing more. 

 

My self-care that I'm dong: 

*resting when possible, even though I resist it ("Why do you need more rest?")

* working with an amazing therapist -- she helped 

* exercising but not crazily so

* working with my therapist on self-compassion -- trying to give myself the same compassion/love as I would someone else.

 

I am scared that I won't get back to normal life. 
 
I am worried that this is "just how I am." 
 
Please help. 

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ChessieCat

Hi SkyBlue,

 

Sorry to read that things are tough at the moment, but really glad that you are asking for help and trying  to look after yourself.  I don't have anything to say that I think might be helpful, but just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.

 

Thanks for stopping by and posting on my thread.  I hope things improve very soon.

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SkyBlue

Thanks very much, Chessie. I appreciate it. :)

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KarenB

There's no way it can be 'just how you are' when you've had drugs in your system.  As you work through the healing, and wait for your brain to heal you'll see yourself starting to emerge again.

 

And I think you'll quite like 'you' :).

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romina95

I am worried that this is "just how I am."

 

That describes my withdrawal experience in one sentence. And I worry about it (even though I am not in withdrawal, because I am still on several meds...) every single day.

 

It will get better. I was really suicidal on withdrawal. Like all the time. I thought it would never ever get better but it does in time, (((hugs Sarah))) <3

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SkyBlue

Karen, thank you so much. I remember liking "me" in the past, and your post gives me hope I will again. :) 

 

Romina, thank you again so much. Your words are so comforting!!!

 

Just went to my jazzercise class, ate dinner and honestly I think I'm going to bed… at least for a while. (It's 7:25 pm.!!!) Lol

 

Thank you, amazing friends!!!  :wub:  :wub:  :wub:

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Colonial

Thinking about you and praying for you still.  

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SkyBlue

Thank you, Colonial. Sorry I just saw this now. Hope you are doing well. 

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SkyBlue

Hi everyone, 

 

March 18, I did my first ~10% drop. (All my other decreases were pre-SA and were 20% or more). 

 

I had a few decent/tolerable days in a row (mid-March) and decided to "push on," even though things weren't great. (I now know this is not the way to go. It may have been two months since the last drop, but I can see now my body was telling me it wasn't ready.) 

 

I made very tiny ~10% drop, going from 1.2 to 1.1 mg.

 

Ok for several days. 

Then, extreme tiredness. 

-Sleeping 8-9 hours/night and then needing a 2-3 hour nap.

-Cognitive stuff, confusion. (I was hanging up laundry and was like, "How can there be two gray shirts right next to each other???")

-Sleep stuff, waking in middle of night in a rage and feeling suicidal

-Continued (off and on) suicidal ideation. 

-Bad depression: "Nothing good is going to happen in the future."

 

-Ahedonia (I never realized how scary it is for NOTHING to feel good. I think many people reading this will have gone through this and now I understand.) 

 

But: Now I've had a good week/10 days! The "real me" is poking through here and there. Going to rest here a while. Not going to do any more drops when I'm having only one good day a week. (Note to self: Sarah---this is a reminder. You will be so much better off, and safer, if you go sooooo slowly.)

 

Here are some thoughts -- I would love your feedback: 

 

1. I believe that going from 25mg to 10 mg to 5 mg in four weeks last summer (after 18 years on the stuff) was basically a cold turkey, and it's possible that my my body/brain/CNS are still reeling from that. In addition, before finding SA, I was (unknowingly) doing further too-large decreases through last fall. What do you think?

 

 

2. Really? !? !? !? 10% is difficult?!?!?!? You guys, PLEASE. 

 

{Every single night when I'm loading up the syringe, I'm like, this??? This tiny drop of liquid is what has caused such upheaval? It's the kind of thing that's hard to believe unless you've experienced it.} 

 

 

I suppose I should wait a while before doing another decrease (siiiiigh). 

 

What would you do? I wonder about starting on the Zoloft decreases, 10%. Give my brain a bit of a break from Paxil changes. Thoughts?

 

Thanks!

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KarenB

That's a great summary SkyBlue, and I think you know the answers...but don't want to know them ;).  Yes, 10% can be difficult.  Especially at the lower end of a taper.  Or if you are like me, even at the start of a taper.  I'm doing 0.4% drops.  Yes, definitely wait a while before another drop - at least 4 weeks.  And yes, those huge drops were very similar to C/T, and your body will be reeling.

 

See?  You got all the answers right!!

 

As to changing which drug you are reducing, the general wisdom here is to keep things simple and do one at at time.  Occasionally, if there are good reasons, a person might lower one drug to a point, then begin to lower another, but it's far easier to make decisions when you're only changing one thing.  

 

Glad things have been settling lately for you,

Karen 

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ChessieCat

Hi SkyBlue,

 

You seem to be doing really well.  That's great.  And I agree with Karen on the holding and stick to tapering Paxil.

 

It seems like you might be feeling that you have to be doing something, especially since you are taking such a small dose.  You are doing something by doing nothing.  I realise that sounds crazy but you are allowing your brain the time it needs to recover.  You just can't see it happening at the moment.  Be patient.  You will get there even if it takes a while.  Better to do it with as few withdrawal symptoms as possible than try and race and end up regretting it.

 

That is just one of the reasons why I think this site's support is so helpful to us.  We sometimes need a voice of reason to remind us of some things.

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AliG

Hi Sky.  I just wanted to echo what Karen and Chessie have said, in terms of holding for a good period of time. It is the smart and sensible thing to do. I think your assessment of your " too quick taper" is correct. It will serve you to go slow , from hereon in . All the successful tapers here, have been done like  "slow turtles", who listen to their body cues, and act accordingly giving themselves the optimal conditions for living symptom free.

I also agree with tapering one drug at a time.That is a standard recommendation, here. It is not giving your brain a break to switch. In fact it's quite the opposite.

Holding is hard work .   Usually , it is better to do nothing at all, except stick to the plan , and practice extreme self- care in the meantime. Have a read and see what you think .

 

Taking multiple psych drugs? Which drug to taper first?

 

The slowness of slow tapers

 

You are going well ,

Ali

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Jlynn

Slow together! We will beat this!

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Shep

Hi, Sky. Thanks for posting on my Intro thread today. Wanted to send some healing vibes your way.

 

Looks like you're getting some really good advice on going slow and careful. I did rapid tapers and cold turkeys all the way through this and if I could do it all over, I would go slow. 

 

Hang in there. 

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SkyBlue

Hello, lovely people!
 

Thanks so much, 

KarenB, Chessie, AliG, Jlynn, and Shep!

 

Thanks for stopping by and for your support.

 

@KarenB, yay--my answers are right! Lol. I will stick to just tapering (well, holding) Paxil for now. Not doing Zoloft yet.

 

@Chessie, I like how you say by doing "nothing," I'm doing something, and that is giving myself time to rest and heal. Such a good reminder that it's better to go slowly than to go fast and regret it.

 

@AliG, thanks for chiming in on holding. You are right -- it is difficult!! And I was actually thinking that switching to Zoloft tapering would be a "break" of sorts. So, nope. Thanks also for the links; I'm checking those out. 

 

@Jlynn, yes, we will!!!!! :) 

 

@Shep, thanks for the healing vibes and for your perspective on slooooow tapers. :) 

 

Thanks you guys!!! 

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SkyBlue

Hi everyone.

 

I posted this in the Micro-Taper thread, but wanted to copy/paste here as well, about getting an oral syringe to make even smaller (2.5% instead of 10%) decreases: 

 

Hi everyone! I got a 0.5 ml oral syringe! 

 

I called tons of pharmacies near me -- even a vet's office! (They had them, but wouldn't let me buy one!!) No one else had them.

 

I finally located one at a compounding pharmacy 20 miles from me. They just gave it to me. I was sooo happy and thanked the lady profusely!!! Lol

 

It's so cute and tiny! It really lets me see the tiny gradations I will need to do 2.5% cuts. 

 

From what I understand, the 0.5 ml syringes are quite readily available in the UK, but not so much in the U.S. If you are in the U.S. and looking for one, I recommend starting a bit ahead of time before you will need it. It just took me a day but I'm in a large metro area. 

 

:)

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Shep

Hi, SkyBlue. I'm glad you got a syringe. They do make it difficult, don't they? 

 

"Cute and tiny" Lol! sounds like you still have your sense of humor.  Best of luck on your taper. You're going to be fine. 

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SkyBlue

Awww, thanks, Shep. :) Today has been a good day. 

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SkyBlue

Hi everyone,

 

I seem to be in a wave again. 

 

Last week I had some wonderful glimpses of clarity, feeling like myself, feeling very alive. 

 

Friday was the best.

 

Saturday I suddenly had a near-panic at a coffee shop. No obvious trigger. 

 

Difficulty since then, with last night being the worst-- extremely depressed. I feel that it was doubly hard given that I had been feeling so much better. 

 

Any encouragement appreciated! 

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AliG

Hi Sky.  I'm sorry that you're in a wave , however that seems to be the nature of this " withdrawal ".  Windows & waves.  The fact that you had a beautiful window , shows that healing is indeed happening !   Try , if you can to hold onto that thought. It will help you through this.

Ali

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SkyBlue

Hi Ali, thanks so much for your response. Yes--healing is happening!!!! Thanks again. 

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Jlynn

The near panic or panic is the worst. It comes on so out of the blue. I am so sorry you had to deal with that! I am glad you are feeling better after that!

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SkyBlue

Thank you jlynn! I really appreciate it!

 

Yesterday the wave of severe depression seemed to "break" and I started feeling better toward evening. I believe that exercising intensely Mon, Tues and going for a gentle walk Wed helped that along. 

 

I'm working on "riding it out" vs. getting sooooo scared, "it's back; this is the end; I have no future; everything is horrible." I also get extremely self-critical during those times. "Why can't you just handle this?!?!?" I also isolate. Working on all of that!!!

 

My acupuncturist recommended I slowly increase magnesium. I had been taking 300mg/night; she said slowly increase but stop if it causes digestion issues--that is the "too much" point. It seemed to really help me sleep well last night. Sleep is everything! 

 

Thanks again, awesome people!

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AmyK

Hi SkyBlue! Try not to add second fear to what is happening in a wave. It can feel horrible, bit it will pass.

I tend to catastrophize too when in a bad wave. "I will be like this forever, my life is destroyed..." Etc.

What has helped me is writing a journal (I have an app for this) only for me. Sometimes long, sometimes just a few words. It helps me see the change, it always change to the better.

 

A really anxiety filled morning I happened to find this clip by Eckhart Tolle. It helped me tremendously. It's about fear and anxiety.

 

https://youtu.be/Ze0-vGa-MQ8

 

Take care!

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SkyBlue

Hi AmyK,

 

Thanks for stopping by. What a great video. Thanks so much for sharing it. I think it's one I'll come back to again and again.

I like how he talks about the beginning of dis-identification. It's a process! :)

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AmyK

Glad you liked it. Yes, I often go back and watch it.

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Shep

Great post, SkyBlue. You sound like you're in a good place now. I hope it continues.

 

And that's a great Eckhart Tolle video, Amy. I'm also a huge fan. 

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SkyBlue

Hi everyone,

 

I am not doing well and feel, honestly, just a few steps away from … I don't know what.

 

I'll update soon with my changes; I've made two 2.5% drops. That is not what is causing this, bc

I've had these thoughts on and off for months. 

 

Staying safe: communicating with family (scared I'll overwhelm them); writing myself index-card messages

(Sarah, you always get better -- hang on; don't believe everything you think); being in therapy.

 

But my thoughts are:

"Summer is my favorite time… If I don't even feel well now, what can the future hold?"

 

"This has gone on too long and there is no hope for the future." 
 

Encouragement appreciated!!! I'll check back later.

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Shep

Hi, Sarah. 

 

Those kinds of thoughts are common during withdrawal, so I'm glad you're reaching out for support. How is your sleep? I know my dark thoughts get worse when my sleep is worse. Are you able to keep up your non-drug coping techniques to help? Taking a walk, listening to meditations or music, etc. can sometimes help break those thought patterns. 

 

Please do update your signature with your recent cuts. Also remind yourself that you are making progress. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

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