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branyan

branyan PSSD success/challenges

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branyan

Hey guys! Brunyan here from the old PP forums. I haven't written in any SSRI or related forum in almost 2 years now. The reason being? Things for the most part have been pretty damn great. My actual life is great. I have a great career started. I am finally independent and financially stable. I've had a couple of short relationships in between now and when Paxil Progress ended. During that sexual relationship I almost NEVER had one problem. Not only that, things were pretty freaking great in that department. I never had any problems getting it up, and sex was frequent and very good.

 

Now there is still some of the genital numbness, and spotty libido, but was scarcely a worry.

 

So. fast forward. We broke up. Not the right time in our lives, etc etc blah blah.

 

 

Now the libido and functioning goes right back down to nothing good. This has been the pattern in the post SSRI/PSSD world for almost 5-6 years now. In the relationship things work great. Outside of that relationship, even when by myself things just dont feel very good.

 

I realize how lucky I am. I'm grateful to have what I have. I'm so lucky. I'm not even really complaining. I just kind of needed to vent because its kind of scary. And in the past the one habit I've made is obsessively trying to hook up with girls or look at porn to keep testing if things are working. And I want to be a lone for a while and do some more soul searching. 

 

The last girl i was with I was very upfront about the PSSD stuff, and we took our time to get to sex and that made all the difference. I cannot discount the emotional and psychological part of it. It's almost as if the PSSD has made those components so strong that I am now 'demi-sexual". 

 

If you look that up it basically means you can't be aroused without an emotional connection..

 

I've got a lot of work to do in therapy to deal with this. I need to listen to my rational mind and not the fearful part. I can do this.

 

I'm of course open to any and all questions as I know that my story has been used as a success story for many people fearful of PSSD around the internet. 

 

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Altostrata

Good to hear from you again and good to hear how well you're doing.

 

How did you go off your drugs? When did PSSD start? Did you have any other withdrawal symptoms?

 

How bad was your PSSD? What were the stages of your recovery?

 

(branyan's Intro topic is here ☼ branyan from PP: PSSD success + challenges )

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branyan

Sure happy to let you all in on what I've been through.

 

I stopped CT Lexparo in 2011. You can see my signature. I checked myself into a hospital because I had total genital anesthesia, total loss of libido. Total loss of feelings. It was horrible. I wanted to die. 

 

 

Thus began the beginning of the windows and waves which, in a certain context, continue to this day.

 

In late 2011 I began a relationship with a young lady that culminated in, at times, feeling like i was %100 healed. Everything came back full force at times. But then it would go bad for months. And then good. And then bad.

Things went south with her. I started dating another girl. Things were ok with her at first but eventually bloomed to that %100 feeling again. Still windows. On. Off. On Off.  Oscillating between feeling fully connected again an totally numb.

 

Than after 2 years with her, we broke up. 6 months later I began dating my most current ex girlfriend. We waited a few dates for sex and I am glad we did. With the exception of one or two times we never had a problem sexually. It was a very positive and healthy sexual relationship. 

Now I am single again, by choice. But back comes the PSSD. Feeling very sexually disconnected. 

 

So now it seems to me that the PSSD re-wires itself in the right company, but outside of that is persistent. Very strange, but now that I know the pattern its easier to not freakout and feel 'broken' because I know I am not.

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AppleOfSodom

Hi brunyan,

Thanks for sharing. I was one of those who hanged on to your story on Paxil Progress to give me hope. I relate a lot to what you say. During my first year of PSSD I had occasional ED but the worst of all was the numbness. I was never close to 100% as you describe as I was always aware the feelings I had during sex weren't the same as before. We eventually got into a bit of a dead bedroom situation maybe pssd contributed maybe it didn't, who knows?
After that the partners I had were casual dates and it went terribly, I have severe ED now even when I masturbate. So I'm wondering if the drugs made me demi-sexual too :D

I am worried now as 3 years later I have something I don't remember having in that first year, which is soft-glans and an extremely pale underside of my glans. I have no idea why things are getting worse at 3 years off.

 

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branyan

To your point.

 

I've never had a casual encounter go well post PSSD. Only after getting to know a girl can I have good sexual function. Independent of that its basically a dead circuit. I've just been up front and honest with all the ladies and none of them have had a problem with it.

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Altostrata

Did you ever have any other withdrawal symptoms?

 

(Please follow this topic -- click on the gray button at the top right -- as I'm sure there will be other questions.)

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branyan

Yes. Very bad.

 

1st year was total anhedonia. I felt like my brain was fried. It was awful. I couldn't feel happy or sad or anything. I had very bad sensitivities to caffeine and sugar. I couldn't sleep. I felt disconnected from my body.

 

Between 1 year and 2 1/2 years I saw the most improvement.

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branyan

Yes. In periods where I am not with a girlfriend or a consistent sexual relationship it reverts back to a state of feeling very cold and numb and exhibits the symptom you are talking about. However once reconnected with a girl on a consistent basis, that goes away.

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BlueLeader

Brunyan, 

 

Glad to see you logged back onto the forums.  I followed your story at the other place for awhile and always wondered how you were doing.

I am happy to hear you are doing well in your career and seem to have stabilized.  

 

My story is very similar to yours.  CT Celexa in 2014 after several years and got the PSSD, emotional numbness, brain fog, you name it.

Seems you are on a good journey of recovery and relearning what we lost.

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branyan

Good to hear from you Blue Leader! Thanks for the kind words. Yes things have stabilized.

 

 

Even now I'm back in the swing of things with a new young lady. I stopped looking at porn again. Last streak I had was 9 months. I'm at a month now. Doing well. 

 

My brain is rewiring itself to a new partner and it feels amazing again. Again its persistent, but I'm happy for what I have

 

 

-Ben

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branyan

Good to hear from you Blue Leader! Thanks for the kind words. Yes things have stabilized.

 

 

Even now I'm back in the swing of things with a new young lady. I stopped looking at porn again. Last streak I had was 9 months. I'm at a month now. Doing well. 

 

My brain is rewiring itself to a new partner and it feels amazing again. Again its persistent, but I'm happy for what I have

 

 

-Ben

 

And then just like that we've had so much sex that my sex drive is back down again and things are numb.

 

 

At this point this pattern has occur for almost 5 years now. Pretty consistent. Who knows if it will ever change permanently, but I'm happy for what I have.

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BlueLeader

That is very interesting Branyan, I too have periods or windows where I feel almost like oh 35% whole again-little glimmers and then times where it feels nothing works at all.    But, like you, I am at least thankful for what I have.

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andy013

Hey Brunyan, I just wanted to say thanks for coming on here and posting an update. I followed your story quite close in the early period of my withdrawal and I always wondered how you were doing.

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branyan

Hey Brunyan, I just wanted to say thanks for coming on here and posting an update. I followed your story quite close in the early period of my withdrawal and I always wondered how you were doing.

 

 

 

Of course man. I still don't have it figured out. There are no rhyme or reason to my windows and waves, but that is what it is what it is. You know?

 

 

How are things with you good buddy?

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branyan

And just like that things are amazing again and my PSSD goes away and it all feels normal-ish again. Who knows how long this will last.

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andy

Branyan ,youve been on some similar meds to me ,I had blunted sexual dysfunction ,especially while on Zoloft .All I can say to you is it goes away for good but takes time

hang in there buddy

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Mort81

Hey Braynon it sounds like you are on the right road to a full recovery. Although I could imagine being single this issue would be even more of an annoyance. Question has all your other symptoms completely disappeared or almost disappeared? Also I wish luck and I thought this will all clear up for you

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Mort81

I meant to type this will all clear up! Stupid phone typing.

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branyan

Who knows if it ever will permanently. 

 

 

 

It's been on and off like this for 6 years now basically. Anything is possible though, I suppose!

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branyan

Reporting for my own sanity to come back and look at  :P

 

 

Just had about a month and a half of borderline totally normal sexual function and activity. Things were going great! Then back down into a bad window. Numbness etc. So the process continues. Year 6 now.

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alex

Hello Branyan.

I think that sexual problems after SSRi, are like the other symptoms.They come and go in waves and windows...

I have a question for you, how bad were the other symptoms, and have they cleared up?

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branyan

All my other symptoms did clear up. Other than the sexual ones, and still having to deal with my anxiety disorder and depression every now and again life is great.

 

 

 

 

SO i just went through another great window, and things are bad again, This window was shorter. Again just writing for my own sanity <3

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branyan

Just went through a month or so of great function. Kinda numb again!

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Fred1234

Hi Brunyan, I wanted to ask how you are feeling? Has there been any changes in the pattern of the waves/windows since beginning of w/d? I am trying to keep up my hope... Cheers Fred

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branyan

Things are going great right now. Been having some of the most normal function in a long time.

 

 

As per the questions bout changes in patterns. Those patterns didn't really change anymore until after the first year or so. I am 6 years + out now.

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branyan

That's nice, Im glad for you.

 

Thanks mate. Hope things are going OK for you man.

 

-Ben

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branyan

Things were really great for 4-5 months or so, and now they are kinda numb like in the beginning of the relationship. Things are great in the relationship and when they are numb we have found ways around just PIV sex, and had good sex anyway. It's interesting though because usually 1 year is where (in the previous relationship) the PSSD would start to rear its head more. But I haven't gotten much past that 1st year, so we will see.

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stan

hello,

 

one day you put a video with a song of you driving in a car with a friend if i remember, do you have the link? i remember it was nice

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stan

thank's

 

i remember to lessen it when i was very very much suffering, today i still have severe problems, but much more better

 

congratulation for your video

 

i will look on youtube the rest

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branyan

Just want to report things are back to normal for now! Very good feeling over the past month. 

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Altostrata

Thanks for letting us know, branyan!

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