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My wife has just left me

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tomato

I have just written this same post here. I then read that new users should post here. Feel free to delete one or other of these duplicate posts.

 

 

My wife is packing her bags and leaving me as I am writing this, and I am convinced that it's her SSRIs that are to blame.

 

We've been together six years, married for three. She started taking SSRIs a year ago as she was suffering from anxiety attacks when leaving the house causing her diarrhoea. (I'm still not convinced that it was anxiety causing diarrhoea, and not the other way round. She had been suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome – but that's another story). The doctor prescribed her an SSRI which she has taken since. I wasn't happy that she was prescribed them as I was vaguely aware that they could be dangerous and addictive. However, she seemed happy that she could could leave the house confidently and continue her life as before. I'm not sure exactly what she's taking but I know it is a low dosage. She took a “normal” dose at the beginning but became a zombie, and could barely get out of bed. The doctor lowered her dosage.

 

However during this year, first her libido decreased to the extent that we have not had sex for a few months. Then last month she told me that she's not in love with me and is not sure if she ever has been. I don't believe this because of how happy we have been together, how often she said she loved me, saying that she couldn't live without me, planning on buying a house together, having children, etc. I have tried to explain that maybe the SSRIs were affecting how she feels, showing her the thousands of studies, articles, forums with descriptions of “emotional blunting”, but she replied that she knows her own feelings. Despite this, she still seems positive towards other aspects of her life such as her work. (Some reports describe SSRI users as not caring about anything).

 

She wants to try to cut down and quit the SSRIs anyway, but she doesn't believe that they are the cause of not loving me any more. In the meantime, she's decided to leave and live with a friend. I tried to convince her that it would be better to stay living together, quit the SSRIs and then see how she feels, but she doesn't agree.

 

Can low dosage SSRIs affect just her “emotional pairing” and not other parts of her life (e.g. work)?

 

If she does quit the SSRIs, how long will it be before her “true” feelings return to her? (Admittedly, it might not be the SSRIs and it might be that she really has fallen out of love with me).

 

She also suggested that we stay in contact with each other and plan to see each other to see how we feel about our relationship. Should I agree to do this? Or should I give her space and wait and see how she feels after a time apart (e.g. a month)?

 

Thanks for any help and advice offered.

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mammaP

Hi Tomato, I have moved your intro to your own topic in relationships, because it is not specifically about a taper or withdrawal and will get replies from others in your situation.

 

 I am sorry to read that your wife is leaving you. Anti depressants can and often do wreck relationships. Sadly the one who is taking them feel that they are justified in ending the relationship, because they have fallen out of love. The drugs dull the emotions, so love and compassion are no longer felt. Many don't feel anything at all. Being around people who were loved deeply becomes difficult.  There are many reports of this but this is the most recent that I have seen.  I hope that she tapers slowly and carefully to avoid withdrawal, which can be much worse than the side effects. It is good that she wants to keep in contact. For now I would 

let her go and just be there while she works through this.  In time she may get the feelings back, we have many stories here similar to yours if you look through this relationships forum.  You are not alone!

 

http://mdbad.org/are-anti-depressants-ruining-your-relationship/

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tomato

Hi mammaP,

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post (and moving it to the correct section).

 

I guess the difficulty I'm having is understanding if her loss of love for me is caused by the SSRIs or not. I don't know how long I should wait until after she has reduced/quit the SSRIs before I try to accept that she truly has fallen out of love and start my grieving/recovery process. I guess there are no hard rules regarding quitting and recovery of “original” feelings. Reading some posts, it's a matter of weeks. Others seem to suggest years.

 

Thanks

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

The emotional numbing that these drugs are designed to cause lead many (including the docs who RX them) to conclude people are helped by them. But they come with a price as you can see. You might want to look up DeWayne's story.

 

It is truly heartbreaking what the true cost of these drugs are. We are here to offer you support if you need it. In some cases relationships are damaged but are ultimately repaired, the story I mentioned did not have such a happy ending. Impossible to tell in your case. But you must take care of yourself the best you can.

 

Good luck!!

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tomato

Thanks Cymbalta,

 

Yes, I've been reading some really sad stories. I'm not sure I could forgive a spouse who did some of the things described in other threads. I already have feelings of anger, desperation, frustration and fear, and my wife hasn't done anything “wrong”.

 

My heart goes out to all who have suffered so terribly and so needlessly.

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SquirrellyGirl

My heart goes out to you, Tomato.  I agree with the others, that there isn't much you can do to make your wife see the light about the med, but I strongly believe that it IS the med's fault.  I've been on them for 20 years and it took trying to come off and the subsequent learning about how they "work" to realize that I have been blunted toward my husband the whole time.  Sexual side effects, yes, but also a lack of deep attachment.  I never felt the need to leave, but it saddens me that I could have felt so much more, passion, and he could have been loved better had I never gone on them or gotten off way back.

 

Peter Breggin calls it "spellbinding," where the taker doesn't make the connection with the meds.  Truly sad that she isn't at all receptive to the idea that the meds have created this situation.

 

SG

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tomato

Thank you SquirrellyGirl.

 

Although my wife doesn't necessarily believe that the meds are at fault, at least she's trying to stop taking them. That gives me some home at least. I have to decide if I keep urging her to quit or let her do it in her own time. I think she might resent me if I push too hard – especially as she doesn't believe they are the cause of her falling out of love with me.

 

How's your dog? You previously mentioned he had to stay overnight at the vets.

 

Stay healthy and positive!

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btdt

T

 

Hi Tomato, I have moved your intro to your own topic in relationships, because it is not specifically about a taper or withdrawal and will get replies from others in your situation.

 

 I am sorry to read that your wife is leaving you. Anti depressants can and often do wreck relationships. Sadly the one who is taking them feel that they are justified in ending the relationship, because they have fallen out of love. The drugs dull the emotions, so love and compassion are no longer felt. Many don't feel anything at all. Being around people who were loved deeply becomes difficult.  There are many reports of this but this is the most recent that I have seen.  I hope that she tapers slowly and carefully to avoid withdrawal, which can be much worse than the side effects. It is good that she wants to keep in contact. For now I would 

let her go and just be there while she works through this.  In time she may get the feelings back, we have many stories here similar to yours if you look through this relationships forum.  You are not alone!

 

http://mdbad.org/are-anti-depressants-ruining-your-relationship/

 

How did you hear about the site linked Mamma?  looks like it has only been up for one day?  Is it your site? I read some personal stuff from the author I think it was the owner of the site... now don't think it is yours it was the name...MDbad... Mamma D was in my head not P woopsi :) came back to edit ... too tired now for a redo peace

 

It must be some person who was at paxilprogress as the only stories posted so far and from old pp posts. 

 

There is of course the page here at SA started by me based on the old topix site with the same title. 

 

Some believe it is the drop in dopamine that caused people to fall out of love... and they generally cheat if they do because the thrill of it increases the dopamine.  There have been scientific article related to this but nobody can find them now the old site is closed.. they will turn up one day. 

 

I recall one husband on the old site who challenged his wife he said this is the drugs talking we have been married 20 years you can't just change on a dime for no reason... she said nope it isn't .. so he challenged her to quit and see if she still felt the same way... it is one of the great success stories of the old site... last post from him they were together... another couple got divorced and remarried... sure is a crazy life

 

I have read enough of these stories I 100% believe the drugs are the cause of many divorces some get lucky. 

 

I wish you peace if you need support I recommend the thread here at SA some of those people have been dealing with this topic for years. 

 

I wish you peace

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btdt

I found the link to serotonin lowering dopamine... it is here

 

"Dr. Glenmullen points out, however, that neurotransmitters like serotonin, adrenaline, and dopamine are connected by complex circuitry and function interdependently. Changes in one neurotransmitter can set off changes in another. Thus, the idea that Prozac-type drugs work "selectively" on serotonin is an illusion. When the level of serotonin is artificially increased, the primary reaction in the brain is a drop in dopamine--a powerful secondary effect that was not understood when the new class of serotonin boosters was introduced. The severe effects of the SSRIs are thought to be caused by the connections between the serotonin and dopamine systems. "Drugs producing a dopamine drop are well known to cause the dangerous side effects that are now appearing with Prozac and the other drugs in its class," Dr. Glenmullen writes. His term for these compensatory reactions in the brain is "Prozac backlash."[57]"

 

http://blog.garynull.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Manufacturing-Madness.pdf

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mammaP

If you can, try and get her to taper very slowly. Gradually feelings will start to return as the dose gets lower. Going too fast can make things even worse if she suffers withdrawal :(

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ComingHome

Hi Tomato,

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.  The medication is certainly a significant factor, but remember there is never only one reason for anything, especially in relationships and love.  I hope she is able to taper off, and find that her feelings return.  In the meantime, there is so much you can do.... take very good care of yourself, and create the best life possible for yourself so that if she does return, you'll both be richer for the experience.  

The emotional numbness that medication caused for me definitely led to the demise of my marriage.  But then again, if I hadn't treated the depression somehow, it would also have destroyed the marriage (and much faster, as my ex-husband believes depression is a character flaw).   On the other hand, my ex was emotionally abusive - the numbness induced by the meds led me to put up with far too much for far too long.  
I think I may have a point here somewhere... [brain fog, haha]...  I guess what I'm trying to say is that you'll never know exactly what made the relationship not work, or what could have helped it work out, but if you stay grounded in the present, you'll find ways to let your wife do what she needs to do for herself, and you'll be free to work on your own "stuff."  Support her with love and compassion if she decides to taper off, and support her with love and compassion if she decides to remain on meds.  Give yourself the same love and compassion.  You're creating a whole new future whether she returns to the marriage or not.  Best of luck to you. 

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tomato

Hi btdt and ComingHome,

 

Thanks for your posts, information and support. It really helps to know that others understand my situation and are generous to offer their time in replying with their experiences.

 

T

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CaptainJackSparrow

I have just written this same post here. I then read that new users should post here. Feel free to delete one or other of these duplicate posts.

 

 

My wife is packing her bags and leaving me as I am writing this, and I am convinced that it's her SSRIs that are to blame.

 

We've been together six years, married for three. She started taking SSRIs a year ago as she was suffering from anxiety attacks when leaving the house causing her diarrhoea. (I'm still not convinced that it was anxiety causing diarrhoea, and not the other way round. She had been suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome – but that's another story). The doctor prescribed her an SSRI which she has taken since. I wasn't happy that she was prescribed them as I was vaguely aware that they could be dangerous and addictive. However, she seemed happy that she could could leave the house confidently and continue her life as before. I'm not sure exactly what she's taking but I know it is a low dosage. She took a “normal” dose at the beginning but became a zombie, and could barely get out of bed. The doctor lowered her dosage.

 

However during this year, first her libido decreased to the extent that we have not had sex for a few months. Then last month she told me that she's not in love with me and is not sure if she ever has been. I don't believe this because of how happy we have been together, how often she said she loved me, saying that she couldn't live without me, planning on buying a house together, having children, etc. I have tried to explain that maybe the SSRIs were affecting how she feels, showing her the thousands of studies, articles, forums with descriptions of “emotional blunting”, but she replied that she knows her own feelings. Despite this, she still seems positive towards other aspects of her life such as her work. (Some reports describe SSRI users as not caring about anything).

 

She wants to try to cut down and quit the SSRIs anyway, but she doesn't believe that they are the cause of not loving me any more. In the meantime, she's decided to leave and live with a friend. I tried to convince her that it would be better to stay living together, quit the SSRIs and then see how she feels, but she doesn't agree.

 

Can low dosage SSRIs affect just her “emotional pairing” and not other parts of her life (e.g. work)?

 

If she does quit the SSRIs, how long will it be before her “true” feelings return to her? (Admittedly, it might not be the SSRIs and it might be that she really has fallen out of love with me).

 

She also suggested that we stay in contact with each other and plan to see each other to see how we feel about our relationship. Should I agree to do this? Or should I give her space and wait and see how she feels after a time apart (e.g. a month)?

 

Thanks for any help and advice offered.

No, change your name and move to the south of France as fast as you can. 

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tomato

No, change your name and move to the south of France as fast as you can. 

 

 

Strange advice. What would that achieve?

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btdt

I see you still doubt it is the drugs the questions you asked above would be better answered by those at the thread called marriages destroyed by ssri here at SA  I think the answer of how long till she gets herself back varies with the drug dose and how long she has been drugged... ect

 

or you could check any of these other sites on this topic 

 

Search Results
Marriages Destroyed by SSRI SNRI - Topix - Relationships - Surviving ...
survivingantidepressants.org › Support › Relationships
  1.  
  2.  
Jul 14, 2014 - 36 posts - ‎11 authors
Page 1 of 11 - Marriages Destroyed by SSRI SNRI - Topix - posted in ... it odd that themarriages thread ended up with the effexor withdrawal ...
Ramsnic - Effexor ruined my marriage. - Introductions and updates ...
survivingantidepressants.org › Support › Introductions and updates
  1.  
  2.  
Sep 25, 2014 - 36 posts - ‎10 authors
Page 1 of 2 - ☼ Ramsnic - Effexor ruined my marriage. - posted in ... I can see they didn't deliberately let me destroy my family. They thought I ...
Marriages destroyed by SSRI/SNRIs - Discussion on Topix
www.topix.com › Pharmacology
  1.  
  2.  
Jan 21, 2014 - Marriages destroyed by SSRI/SNRIs. Posted in the Pharmacology Forum .... Closing of the effexor withdrawal topix site discussed here at pp.
Problems brought on by Effexor?
www.mdjunction.com/...ii.../3552093-problems-brought-on-by-effexor
  1.  
Especially our marriage. Then I read an article under topix, about Marriage Destroyed by Effexor. Has anyone else had these issues? I am fighting tooth and nail ...
The Conundrum of Marriage Destroyed by SSRI's - logic and politics
logicandpolitics.blogspot.com/.../conundrum-of-marriage-destroyed-by....
  1.  
  2.  
May 8, 2009 - Marriages Destroyed by SSRI/ SNRI's There are dozens of stories here that .... http://www.topix.com/forum/drug/effexor/TQ4I2UR28DFD3N759.
Testimonies of People Destroyed by Antidepressants | Dregs of the ...
Oct 26, 2012 - In my opinion, Effexor has left me permanent damage. ..... results: lost a job and a marriage due to being so non complacent but gained 20 lbs.
ANTI DEPRESSANTS SSRIs AND 'I DONT LOVE ANYMORE' - DivorceBusting.com
www.divorcebusting.com › Forums › Open Forums › For Newcomers
  1.  
  2.  
Dec 14, 2012 - 10 posts
... the drugs actually produce the destruction of relationships that have survived years .... While I know I contributed to the breakup of my marriage, I do ... something else - I would personally have tried effexor as my second line ...
Love Marriage and Antidepressants - Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/Love-Marriage-and-Antidepressants-524984...
  1.  
  2.  
Love Marriage and Antidepressants. ... This thread, "Marriages Destroyed by SSRIs" is what helped me realize the horror I was living, was actually caused by my ...
SSRIs and the end of romantic love - lexapro serotonin marriage ...
ask.metafilter.com/253929/SSRIs-and-the-end-of-romantic-love
  1.  
  2.  
Dec 18, 2013 - And I hate to say it, but I left him and it destroyed him to see me ..... i did have emotional blunting on an AD, effexor xr, and my doctor cut my ...
Article: SSRIs (Prozac): The Unidentified Marriage Killer | OpEdNews
www.opednews.com/.../SSRIs-Prozac--The-Unide-by-Dwight-Black-090...
  1.  
  2.  
May 11, 2009 - Article: SSRIs (Prozac): The Unidentified Marriage Killer - A tragic account of how my marriage and many others are destroyed by SSRI's such as Prozac. ... http://www.topix.com/forum/drug/effexor/TQ4I2UR28DFD3N759.

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Coopergirl1

Tomato- I agree 100% that the drugs did this to her. I know because I am living proof. I am slowly starting to feel things again after I am tapering..please hang on. It is the drugs. Im so sorry.

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tomato

Thanks btdt and Coopergirl1, I hope you're right. Just have to be patient it seems.

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stan

 

My wife is packing her bags and leaving me as I am writing this, and I am convinced that it's her SSRIs that are to blame.

 

 

She wants to try to cut down and quit the SSRIs anyway, but she doesn't believe that they are the cause of not loving me any more. In the meantime, she's decided to leave and live with a friend. 

 

in your case, i would turn the page and let her go away, and try to make my life again with another woman in the future(with this one you will only have problems, and here you have a little problem, what if a strong problem ?)

 

 

 

No, change your name and move to the south of France as fast as you can.

i agree with you

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Junglechicken

I would let her go (which you have done) and sit it out until her 'equilibrium' is restored.

 

She is clearly not herself, and if it means months and months of her being absent from your life, then only you know what your limit is in this regard.

 

You also need to heal yourself from what has happened to you, so take your time and if she comes back into your life in future, then you have to decide whether you can pick up from where you left off OR whether you have moved on and the relationship can no longer work.

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btdt

She may stay drugged her entire life if she does not believe it is the drugs it happens a lot to a lot of people with other drugs added on to treat the side effects of the first drug.  It can be a tangled web some people have been able to find enough information and present is at the right time in the right way to make a difference some spouses I mean.  Many never have a clue what is going on and spend their entire lives or the best years of it drugged... I am one of them. I hope somebody can get through to her. 

 

Your one part of this and your here she is the other part of this.. this is her life she is not getting to live as she expected and I will tell you she had no clue what she was getting into when she took that drug had she been told she would walk... cause of a pill I bet she would have said no thanks. I could be wrong but I don't think I am. 

 

Stay don't stay it is up to you actually she is gone so it is not up to you... thing is nobody wins and your as much a victim in this process as she is.  You got left she got drugs and wd to do if she clues in nobody wins. 

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btdt

I think the marriages thread is a good place to start and I know some of the people there who are aware of many more stories going back years as they use to be on the same topix site I was some made it some didn't... you were already there at the beginning... I am posting this tidbit in both place so more people will see it... 

 

"

Medical studies have shown that changes in serotonin transporter metabolism appear to be associated with many different phenomena, including alcoholismclinical depressionobsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD),romantic love,[3] hypertension and generalized social phobia.[4]"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serotonin_transporter.

 

 

another tidbit... same link

 

"This transport of serotonin by the SERT protein terminates the action of serotonin and recycles it in a sodium-dependent manner. This protein is the target of many antidepressant medications, including those of theSSRI class.[1] It is a member of thesodium:neurotransmitter symporter family. A repeat length polymorphism in the promoter of this gene has been shown to affect the rate of serotonin uptake and may play a role in sudden infant death syndrome, aggressive behavior in Alzheimer disease patients, post-traumatic stress disorder and depression-susceptibility in people experiencing emotional trauma.[2]

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tomato

Interesting advice from everyone. I appreciate it. Especially today, as it's the anniversary of when I proposed to her.

 

No real contact with her - a few organisational issues only. I hope she is doing well.

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Julestheboy

tomato,

 

I'm so sorry man! I had a very similar situation. My wife was on citalopram for two years. I managed to convince my wife to get off of AD's about 6 months ago, we're still together but the going is tough.  She started because of some complex issues with my mom, classic MONSTER in law stuff but with a twist... my mom is also a narcissist! Basically my mom didn't want to share me with my wife... The situation caused so many damaging fights between me and my wife because I was blind to what was going on. 

 

She was crying a lot and just not coping in general. Our GP / Family doc put her on citalopram and things got better, she stopped crying and taking the abuse to hart. She had also just started a business and the citalopram helped her focus on getting the business up and running. We also stopped fighting all the time and I thought, wow, this great! What a relief! We were happy for the 1st year but then I started to notice a "distance" between us. Sex was off the cards unless I asked for it. At some point I just stopped asking for it after awhile, I figured that if she wanted to she would ask but she never did... I confronted her about our "distance" and growing lack of connection but she shrugged it off. I started thinking that she had found someone else and started snooping, I did find out that she was hiding a relationship from me. I don't think anything happened, I must have caught her out just in time. That killed me! And I think it caught her by surprise as well, as it was not like her to do something like that. In the end I think became one of the motivators get off the AD's. 

 

The situation with the MIL / Mother still went on and got worse the more I pulled away. About 3 months ago it was out of control and I had a break down of sorts, so I started on SNRI's. The wife and I started fighting again and she went back on to AD's.... not a great situation.

 

Today we are both off AD's and trying to make things work again. It's slow and painful, full of pit falls and fights but through a lot of reading and understanding what impact AD's have had on us we should make it. And most importantly.... we don't blame each other! We have common enemies which puts us both on the same side. 

 

I really battled to understand what was going on and in the end a few video's posted all over SA's site really helped me. I ask you please to watch them.

https://www.ted.com/talks/ben_goldacre_what_doctors_don_t_know_about_the_drugs_they_prescribe
https://youtu.be/IcG6J-8OwAo
https://youtu.be/9Bv4k8CJnuc

 

I suggest you watch them on your own and then if possible try to watch them together with your wife. Tell her its a " meet you in the middle " idea. She can stay on the AD's but she gets an insight in to what "might be happening". Another great one to read for your understanding is http://www.withoutagym.net/dopamine-and-serotonin/

 

You will also need to be very understanding about her situation. Arm yourself with information. Watch this to find out what it really feels like to have anxiety https://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share?language=en  It's the best description I've ever heard. It will help you understand why she may be so desperate to stay on AD's.

 

The next ones will help you become a better listener. https://www.ted.com/speakers/brene_brown 

and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

 

I love my wife and we have a son, so giving up on us was not really an option for me. I'm not sure how you feel about your wife today but if you still want to make it work.... give it your best shot! Remember some days you'll be completely pissed at her and other days you won't. On the days you don't feel pissed at her... reach out to her! On the days you want to rage.... do it somewhere where she won't find out about it. You don't want to come off looking like a lunatic, it only re enforce her idea that she is on the right track. No drama / pressure... just fun stuff.

 

So one epic post done! That is basically my 2 1/2 year path of learning.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Julestheboy

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btdt

I am surprised to see Patricia Churchland on the list I thought I was the only one on earth who read her book all your really missing is Grace E Jackson and Glenmullen :)

This this is Dwyane so hi Dywayne sorry I can't spell you name 

peace

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Julestheboy

Hi btdt,

 

I was trying to understand more about how attachment works when I watched Patricia Churchland's talk. It was a real light bulb moment for me, I had never even considered the role of oxytocin in pair bonding. I don't know about Grace E Jackson and Glenmullen, so I'll be sure to look them up!

 

Hi tomato,

 

I hope you are doing ok! I'd love to have an update if you are up to it?

 

Thanks,

 

Julestheboy

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tomato

Hi Julestheboy,

 

Thanks for your post. I haven't had a chance to look at all your links yet as have been busy with work (which is good as it keeps me thinking about my situation too much), but will do soon - looks interesting.

 

Glad to hear that you and your wife are starting to repair your relationship. It's nice to know that there is hope.

 

My situation hasn't changed with my wife. She's not here. We're not really speaking. I'm wondering if I should approach her or just wait for her to approach me. I've no idea if she's managing to taper her SSRIs.

 

Incidentally, a friend sent me this link the other day - a study showing how painkillers can "kill" empathy. Sounds like a similar story to anti-depressants. I thought it couldn't be as much as a problem as antidepressants because I thought you'd only take painkillers sporadically but according to the study: "acetaminophen, [...] is taken by almost a quarter of US adults each week.".

 

http://scan.oxfordjournals.org/content/early/2016/05/02/scan.nsw057

 

 

 

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Julestheboy

Hi tomato,

 

It must be incredibly painful to be apart like that.... glad to hear that you are busy! Try keep it that way, to much time with your head in the muck is not a good place to be! I wish I had some advise on weather or not to contact her, you would know best... I feel like saying follow your gut on that.

 

Thanks for the link, its a subject I've become very interested in, sadly they don't say how much they used in the test.

 

Keep us posted and good luck!

 

Julestheboy

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andy

Hang in there tomato and don't loose hope,the drugs made me loose touch with reality and I very nearly left my wife and young daughter.After finally getting off this junk I slowly came round and realised just how much damage they had done to me,I nearly lost everything

Things can change and get better in time,support her coming from the meds and be there for when she's ready to try again

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btdt

A 2011 study conducted at Stony Brook University in New York state found that it is possible to be madly in love with someone after decades of marriage. The research team, which included Fisher, performed MRI scans on couples who had been married an average of 21 years. They found the same intensity of activity in dopamine-rich areas of the brains as found in the brains of couples who were newly in love. The study suggested that the excitement of romance can remain while the apprehension is lost.


“A state-of-the-art investigation of love has confirmed for the very first time that people are not lying when they say that after 10 to 30 years of marriage they are still madly in love with their partners,” said Schwartz. In the Stony Brook study, he added, the MRI scans showed that the pattern of activity in the participants’ dopamine reward systems was the same as that detected in the brains of participants in early-stage romantic love.


For those whose long-term marriage has transitioned from passionate, romantic love to a more compassionate, routine type of love, Olds indicated it is possible to rekindle the flame that characterized the relationship’s early days. “We call it the rustiness phenomenon,” she said. “Couples get out of the habit of sex, of being incredibly in love, and often for good reasons: work, children, a sick parent. But that type of love can be reignited.” Sexual activity, for example, can increase oxytocin levels and activate the brain’s reward circuit, making couples desire each other more.


That alone, she said, may be enough to bring some couples back to those earlier, exhilarating days, when all they could think about was their newfound love.


http://neuro.hms.harvard.edu/harvard-mahoney-neuroscience-institute/brain-newsletter/and-brain-series/love-and-brain


 


The idea behind Helen Fishers video from 2007 above is that SSRI type drugs disrupts these hormones causing marriage break down.   I was sure I posted a video or an article which included this.


 


a chat about it all


http://scienceblogs.com/neurontic/2006/03/10/sex-love-and-ssris/


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Julestheboy

tomato & btdt,

 

Thanks for the links! You guys are going to keep me out of work this morning! :P

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Missingher

Hey tomato, just decided to finally set up an account and saw your posts. I've gone through a very similar situation beginning last December. My wife has had issues with chronic nausea and after countless appointment and tests, she's been diagnosed with a function gastrointestinal disorder caused by general anxiety. IBS is the usual issue people have in this category like your wife but I my wife's case it's chronic nausea.

Starting in early December my wife was prescribed fkuoxitine. Only 10 mg a day. Really low dose. We were going through a lot of stressful things so it's hard for me to pinpoint when she started distancing herself from me but I do know that thought january she had completely closed herself off to me. She refused to talk about it until the middle of February she finally told me she doesn't feel in love anymore. We've been married for 8 years and two kids and not once have we have any issues like this at all. Even with the stress of both kids we've always been able to find keep the love strong. My wife also said that she's been feeling the love has been gone for years.

The months that followed have been tough but she still hasn't left. I was able to figure out that it was prozac quickly but she refused to believe it no matter how hard I try. Every conversation I had after February ended with her extremely agitated and she then pulls away further.

In April I was finally able to convince her to stop taking her pills. She refused to taper off but with her low dose (10 mg)she didnt seem to have any huge issues coming off. I wish I had great things to report about her feelings coming back after getting off the meds but I don't. I think it's still to early to say anything. She has become a little warmer to me but it still just seems like she's a roommate rather than the love of my life. She still doesn't seem to understand what she's put me through but again I hoping to see more changes the longer she's been off the meds.

I plan on posting the full story on the "ssris destroys marriages" when I get some more time. Im so sorry what you're going through. I know all too well.

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manymoretodays

I'm assuming you are also doing all you can outside of the SSRI connection to her feeling like the love is lost or gone?  I mean not discounting how she feels.......trying to really hear the why's and at some point put aside the hurt and defensiveness that must result.

 

I figure you are.......doing what I said above.

 

It's just that from the point of one who themselves has been altered by medication(me)......and divorced as well while under the influence so to speak.......I can honestly say that sometimes validation of feelings from those closest to me would have been wonderful, healing, possibly salvaging of my marriage relationship........might have made all the difference...........

 

I am doubtful of the salvaging of my marriage relationship but for you...........you never know..........

 

I married with great doubts but thought it could all work out somehow.........I mean many of us do(go into it anxious and unsure, this I know)............and I was unmedicated then..........

 

Hope this helps.

 

Compassion for your feelings of loss and betrayal.

 

And I am not arguing the fact that psycho medications can change personalities/feelings in some.  It's not that at all.

 

Many here who I have read their accounts have partners who actually want them to stay on meds.   They have to be secretive a bit to start to wean and titrate down.  Until they can get agreement I guess on their reasons for it and what they now know that they did not before.

 

Also their may be a "wave" several months out after coming off a single SSRI........a longer acting type one.  Some of the shorter acting ones as well from my understanding.  The switch back from what I understand isn't something that happens at once and then voila.  Complicated neuroregenesis I guess it is.  Don't know.  And help your loved one develop tools for coping medication free when stuff comes up again if you can........... or see that she/he is taking that on them self. 

 

It's just interesting and possibly a learning/ bettering experience for us all.

 

This response is mostly to Missingher above with some tangents on the whole subject thrown in.

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tomato

I thought I'd update you all with my current situation. Sorry for not writing earlier but there hasnt been much development up until recently. Thanks for all you stories and advice, it's been really useful and interesting.

 

Two weekends ago, my wife agreed to meet up. Up until then, she said she wasn't ready to see me.

 

So I enter the cafe and she starts crying almost immediately, running off to the bathroom. She comes back and we start talking, keeping things light and friendly – I try to stay in a good humour, making her laugh. Every now and again, she'll start crying. I mention that I am thinking of leaving the country and she looks genuinely shocked and starts crying again.

 

Eventually we start to talk about more serious things. She says she's stopped taking her SSRIs completely and she's coping well. (Remember that she was only really taking them because of a stomach problem in the first place.) She says how handsome I am today and that she loves me but she no longer desires me – and that's the reason she's left me. This is a change to what she said last time we talked which was that she no longer loved me (and maybe that she never loved me). I pointed out this change in her reason for leaving me and she denies that she's changed her reason. I said clearly that stopping talking this SSRIs has changed how she feels about me. She denies it again saying that sex has never been natural between us and that we just don’t work sexually together. There have been ups and downs in our sexual life but I believe she's only remembering the last year of our sexual life when she was on SSRIs – and then I admit it was a complete disaster.

 

But in my opinion, she is definitely changing her reason for leaving me. I feel desire is something that can be rebuilt and worked upon (especially for someone who has just come off SSRIs and literally could not feel anything during sex), but she says that it's not worth it, that she's made a decision. I did not push it any harder, saying that she should reflect on her changing opinions for leaving me and perhaps if desire is the main problem (and she still loves me) then that is something that can be worked upon. So we left the meeting there, she hugged me at the end and cried again.

 

Last week, we texted and I suggested we could meet up for another tea/coffee. She said no, because it really hurt her to see me the weekend before and was only just recovering. She said she visited the town where we got married (a friend of hers has a house there) and remembered many things. But she's made the decision and that it's final. She insists that she left me because things didn’t work physically.

 

I dont really know what to think now. Is this a normal phase for someone coming off SSRIs? Will her sexual desire take longer to return than her feelings of love (which apparently have returned)? Is it normal for people recovering from SSRIs to look for reasons why they feel the relationship didnt work rather than blame the SSRIs?

 

Thanks for listening.

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