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tomato

My wife has just left me

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SquirrellyGirl

Hi Tomato, 

 

Maybe you have seen this before:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6714-marriages-destroyed-by-ssri-snri-topix/?p=94557

 

Peter Breggin calls it spellbinding, where one doesn't make the connection between thoughts and feelings and the drug, thinking it is just "them" or something else, but not due to the drug.

 

It is good that your wife clearly was feeling emotions and was sad.  I'm afraid all you can do is sit tight and take care of yourself, since it is up to her to come around.  I think you did a good job being sensitive and patient by the sounds of it.  It hasn't been that long since she came off, and I worry that she'll have withdrawal to contend with if she c/t'd or tapered too fast, which is likely.

 

Thank you for the update.  I wish it were better news for you, but at least there has been a change for the better, relatively speaking.

 

SG

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Julestheboy

Hay tomato! I was happy  :)  to see the notification in my inbox but not so happy to read your update :unsure: . How are you feeling about things?

 

I'm not sure there is much "normal" when SSRI's are involved! In my experience it changes people in a way that you almost don't recognize them... I wish I had some great advise for you but I don't really, all I can say is that I'm sorry for your pains.  Has the time apart changed how you feel about the relationship?

 

Julestheboy

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Cnp412

Tomato? Any update? It’s been sometime

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Joeyyfz
On 4/27/2016 at 6:44 AM, tomato said:

I have just written this same post here. I then read that new users should post here. Feel free to delete one or other of these duplicate posts.

 

 

My wife is packing her bags and leaving me as I am writing this, and I am convinced that it's her SSRIs that are to blame.

 

We've been together six years, married for three. She started taking SSRIs a year ago as she was suffering from anxiety attacks when leaving the house causing her diarrhoea. (I'm still not convinced that it was anxiety causing diarrhoea, and not the other way round. She had been suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome – but that's another story). The doctor prescribed her an SSRI which she has taken since. I wasn't happy that she was prescribed them as I was vaguely aware that they could be dangerous and addictive. However, she seemed happy that she could could leave the house confidently and continue her life as before. I'm not sure exactly what she's taking but I know it is a low dosage. She took a “normal” dose at the beginning but became a zombie, and could barely get out of bed. The doctor lowered her dosage.

 

However during this year, first her libido decreased to the extent that we have not had sex for a few months. Then last month she told me that she's not in love with me and is not sure if she ever has been. I don't believe this because of how happy we have been together, how often she said she loved me, saying that she couldn't live without me, planning on buying a house together, having children, etc. I have tried to explain that maybe the SSRIs were affecting how she feels, showing her the thousands of studies, articles, forums with descriptions of “emotional blunting”, but she replied that she knows her own feelings. Despite this, she still seems positive towards other aspects of her life such as her work. (Some reports describe SSRI users as not caring about anything).

 

She wants to try to cut down and quit the SSRIs anyway, but she doesn't believe that they are the cause of not loving me any more. In the meantime, she's decided to leave and live with a friend. I tried to convince her that it would be better to stay living together, quit the SSRIs and then see how she feels, but she doesn't agree.

 

Can low dosage SSRIs affect just her “emotional pairing” and not other parts of her life (e.g. work)?

 

If she does quit the SSRIs, how long will it be before her “true” feelings return to her? (Admittedly, it might not be the SSRIs and it might be that she really has fallen out of love with me).

 

She also suggested that we stay in contact with each other and plan to see each other to see how we feel about our relationship. Should I agree to do this? Or should I give her space and wait and see how she feels after a time apart (e.g. a month)?

 

Thanks for any help and advice offered.

Me and my wife going on 17 years . In last year   Antidepressants has took her . I here you .  I'm sure someone will  be so eager. To justify this message. 

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Joeyyfz
On 7/1/2016 at 4:08 PM, SquirrellyGirl said:

Hi Tomato, 

 

Maybe you have seen this before:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6714-marriages-destroyed-by-ssri-snri-topix/?p=94557

 

Peter Breggin calls it spellbinding, where one doesn't make the connection between thoughts and feelings and the drug, thinking it is just "them" or something else, but not due to the drug.

 

It is good that your wife clearly was feeling emotions and was sad.  I'm afraid all you can do is sit tight and take care of yourself, since it is up to her to come around.  I think you did a good job being sensitive and patient by the sounds of it.  It hasn't been that long since she came off, and I worry that she'll have withdrawal to contend with if she c/t'd or tapered too fast, which is likely.

 

Thank you for the update.  I wish it were better news for you, but at least there has been a change for the better, relatively speaking.

 

SG

 

On 7/1/2016 at 2:48 PM, tomato said:

I thought I'd update you all with my current situation. Sorry for not writing earlier but there hasnt been much development up until recently. Thanks for all you stories and advice, it's been really useful and interesting.

 

Two weekends ago, my wife agreed to meet up. Up until then, she said she wasn't ready to see me.

 

So I enter the cafe and she starts crying almost immediately, running off to the bathroom. She comes back and we start talking, keeping things light and friendly – I try to stay in a good humour, making her laugh. Every now and again, she'll start crying. I mention that I am thinking of leaving the country and she looks genuinely shocked and starts crying again.

 

Eventually we start to talk about more serious things. She says she's stopped taking her SSRIs completely and she's coping well. (Remember that she was only really taking them because of a stomach problem in the first place.) She says how handsome I am today and that she loves me but she no longer desires me – and that's the reason she's left me. This is a change to what she said last time we talked which was that she no longer loved me (and maybe that she never loved me). I pointed out this change in her reason for leaving me and she denies that she's changed her reason. I said clearly that stopping talking this SSRIs has changed how she feels about me. She denies it again saying that sex has never been natural between us and that we just don’t work sexually together. There have been ups and downs in our sexual life but I believe she's only remembering the last year of our sexual life when she was on SSRIs – and then I admit it was a complete disaster.

 

But in my opinion, she is definitely changing her reason for leaving me. I feel desire is something that can be rebuilt and worked upon (especially for someone who has just come off SSRIs and literally could not feel anything during sex), but she says that it's not worth it, that she's made a decision. I did not push it any harder, saying that she should reflect on her changing opinions for leaving me and perhaps if desire is the main problem (and she still loves me) then that is something that can be worked upon. So we left the meeting there, she hugged me at the end and cried again.

 

Last week, we texted and I suggested we could meet up for another tea/coffee. She said no, because it really hurt her to see me the weekend before and was only just recovering. She said she visited the town where we got married (a friend of hers has a house there) and remembered many things. But she's made the decision and that it's final. She insists that she left me because things didn’t work physically.

 

I dont really know what to think now. Is this a normal phase for someone coming off SSRIs? Will her sexual desire take longer to return than her feelings of love (which apparently have returned)? Is it normal for people recovering from SSRIs to look for reasons why they feel the relationship didnt work rather than blame the SSRIs?

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Im ready glad  Antidepressants helps some people. but  Who is saying they held the doctors. That give them to you which justifies their job. Or the patient  that is sick to begin with. I no I lost one one person that makes me want to get out of bed everyday. The person I love more than life. Is now totally not the same. I've heard it so many times  .the pills is not the problem. Let someone try to take away see what happened . I've struggled with  drug  Addictions AKA pills my whole life .  Finally got  disgusted by him . I would rather had her the way she was . Justify it all you want . Your making money by saying it a good thing in some way. Or you're in   In denial . I had to get this off my chest  somehow sorry if I defended anyone  .  Keep your pills . I'd like to have my .wife . Mother. Sister .back  

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tomato
On 18/01/2018 at 2:58 AM, Cnp412 said:

Tomato? Any update? It’s been sometime

 

Sorry for not replying sooner as I don't have any positive news regarding my failed marriage. To be honest, I don't really have any news as we're not in direct contact, and haven't spoken for about a year. We have friends in common but I deliberately try to avoid finding out what she's doing or how she is. It's not that I don't care – it's just that I think it's healthier for me to get on with my life.

 

I've moved on, or are at least trying. I've had a couple of short relationships of which I've ended both. I believe I ended them because I didn't think we were suitable for each other, but I've a nagging feeling that I ended them because I'm actually afraid to commit to another relationship because that would mean I could get hurt again. It's often difficult to tell conscious decisions apart from subconscious ones. I had another 6 year relationship with someone before my wife and it too ended in a similar way - I thought the relationship was going well, when one day she turns round and says she's no longer in love and is leaving (although this first relationship had nothing to do with SSRIs). It's worrying to think that I'm so blind that I couldn't see either break-up coming, and/or that I'm choosing women who don't want to fight for a relationship the moment the initial instant desire/attraction wears off. It doesn't exactly inspire me with confidence in starting a new relationship. But anyway, I'm going off-topic here...

 

Occasionally I read the comments in this forum, and as ever, it's terrible to see the damage caused by these drugs. I've obviously told this story to friends and family and it's surprising/shocking to hear the number of people that are taking these or other anti-depressants and often have been for years. Some have had problems with their partners but most still feel they love them, so obviously the drugs can affect people in different ways.

 

Hope you can all find peace and love in your lives.

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shouldIwait

Hello Tomato, 

 

Your story is exactly what happened with my significant other, including the desire thing. He started on fluoxetine for a couple of months and then c/t. However he was a changed man after that.

 

The difference with your story is that I've convinced him to have a sort of relationship with me, no labels, so I could show him that desire and the sexuality can be improved. (this was very very difficult as he was sure, completly sure that we were sexually uncompatible which is crazy considering the seven years of sharing a life and the great chemestry between us).  

 

Although I'm not very happy with this arrangment, this has up until now make him feel in charge and of course he has lowered his defenses. Last wednesday in a "date" we had, I felt that finally I was with the old him, but I don't now how much I can wait for the old him to come back fully, if he ever does, or if the new him is someone I could trust. I only do this because I now those pills have something to do with it, are evil and I should give him the benefit of the doubt, and because I love him with every inch of my body and soul. However this has me in conflict with myself as it is stupid to "date" your significant other after seven years as if I had met him yesterday. 

 

His personality change has been heartbreaking for me and I don't know if I should wait to see if he changes back to who he was or if I should just move on... after all when we break up he said some things like he didn't love me as before breaking my heart (almost literally, I felt my heart acking), creating doubts in my mind when as before I thought that I would spent the rest of my life with him.  

 

The hardest part of it all is that he seems happy without me... I don´t know if maybe he will regret all of this at some point in the future... Have anyone had their beloved back asking for a chance? 

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tomato
16 hours ago, shouldIwait said:

The hardest part of it all is that he seems happy without me... I don´t know if maybe he will regret all of this at some point in the future... Have anyone had their beloved back asking for a chance? 

 

It seems some people are lucky and after stopping taking the pills, then the feelings of love for their partner returns. In other cases, such as mine, this didn't happen. But at least in your case, you're still seeing each other and going on "dates". I definitely wouldn't look at this as being stupid. It's a way to remind him of the love between you. It seems people say (and do) deliberately hurtful things when on these drugs so just because he said he doesn't love you, doesn't mean that's how he'll feel after coming off the drugs. Is he still taking them? How long has he been off them?

 

I don't know if you've already come across them, but there was a forum with hundreds of accounts of people and their partners and the trouble caused by SSRIs. The forum got taken down but you can read a copy someone made here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12F_yiwXqFdalDOs2JQR_y_uF-X8aAqcgqUJoUjrTIWY/edit

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V_y9LX-6WGaD4SfA4IZghBMEM3nqHdUluN2sAidGfzg/edit

 

There are both stories with happy and not-so-happy endings.

 

 

 

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Konjo

I collected all these stories from old Topix forum in mid 2013. Unfortunately some years passed and there are so many new stories. I have not enough free time to update these documents. If somebody could do it I can assign edit rights. Just PM me.

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shouldIwait
22 hours ago, tomato said:

 

It seems some people are lucky and after stopping taking the pills, then the feelings of love for their partner returns. In other cases, such as mine, this didn't happen. But at least in your case, you're still seeing each other and going on "dates". I definitely wouldn't look at this as being stupid. It's a way to remind him of the love between you. It seems people say (and do) deliberately hurtful things when on these drugs so just because he said he doesn't love you, doesn't mean that's how he'll feel after coming off the drugs. Is he still taking them? How long has he been off them?

 

I don't know if you've already come across them, but there was a forum with hundreds of accounts of people and their partners and the trouble caused by SSRIs. The forum got taken down but you can read a copy someone made here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12F_yiwXqFdalDOs2JQR_y_uF-X8aAqcgqUJoUjrTIWY/edit

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V_y9LX-6WGaD4SfA4IZghBMEM3nqHdUluN2sAidGfzg/edit

 

There are both stories with happy and not-so-happy endings.

 

 

 

 

He still says he is confused. He was on those pills for two months. He stoped taking them by early December 2017, when he decided that he loved me but not as before and not enough to continue our relationship. He said all of this with the coldest look on his face, (very, very unlike him as he had always been a sensitive guy, more so than me, which make me suspicious of those pills and ended up finding that this pill was a "relationship killer" u.u).

 

The reason why I continue trying to relive the relationship is due to the knowledge that I now have regarding the effects of this drugs, because if I were to be honest, the things  he has said to me and the way he had said them... are horrible, things that you should never say to someone you're supose to love (he seems unaware of the hurtfull things he says). However as you and Konjo in another tread have pointed out, the feelings may not come back. Also his personality seems so diferent, I fell in love with him because he was a good guy, not a DOUCHEBAG, which seems he has turn into one now... I don't like those types of guys, dime a dozen where I live... I rather die alone.

 

I'm trying to decide when I should just stop, mourn and move on. I'm thinking if by mid march he is still "confused" I should just give up, pretend that the man I loved just died (is easier for me to think that way and not that a "simple" pill ended his love for me) and mourn. 

 

This forum is great, and I'm sorry if my wording is confusing as english is my second language. 

 

 

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tomato
6 hours ago, Konjo said:

I collected all these stories from old Topix forum in mid 2013. Unfortunately some years passed and there are so many new stories. I have not enough free time to update these documents. If somebody could do it I can assign edit rights. Just PM me.

 

Sorry for not citing you in my post - I couldn't remember where I found those documents. And thanks for your hard work in copying them. Btw what made you copy them in the first place? Did you know beforehand that the topix thread would be deleted?

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tomato
48 minutes ago, shouldIwait said:

 

He still says he is confused. He was on those pills for two months. He stoped taking them by early December 2017, when he decided that he loved me but not as before and not enough to continue our relationship. He said all of this with the coldest look on his face, (very, very unlike him as he had always been a sensitive guy, more so than me, which make me suspicious of those pills and ended up finding that this pill was a "relationship killer" u.u).

 

The reason why I continue trying to relive the relationship is due to the knowledge that I now have regarding the effects of this drugs, because if I were to be honest, the things  he has said to me and the way he had said them... are horrible, things that you should never say to someone you're supose to love (he seems unaware of the hurtfull things he says). However as you and Konjo in another tread have pointed out, the feelings may not come back. Also his personality seems so diferent, I fell in love with him because he was a good guy, not a DOUCHEBAG, which seems he has turn into one now... I don't like those types of guys, dime a dozen where I live... I rather die alone.

 

I'm trying to decide when I should just stop, mourn and move on. I'm thinking if by mid march he is still "confused" I should just give up, pretend that the man I loved just died (is easier for me to think that way and not that a "simple" pill ended his love for me) and mourn. 

 

This forum is great, and I'm sorry if my wording is confusing as english is my second language. 

 

 

 

I think patience is the key here. Even though he only took the pills for a few months, the effects can last longer. The brain needs to be rewired to how it was before. Given enough time, I'm pretty sure his personality will return to how it was before. His feelings for you might not though. Obviously only you (and your partner) know how much you can put up with the current situation.

 

Are you sure he has stopped taking the pills? Does he acknowledge that the pills have changed his personality?

 

(Por cierto, tu ingles es muy bueno. Conoces frases bacanas como “dime a dozen”!)

 

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shouldIwait
42 minutes ago, tomato said:

 

I think patience is the key here. Even though he only took the pills for a few months, the effects can last longer. The brain needs to be rewired to how it was before. Given enough time, I'm pretty sure his personality will return to how it was before. His feelings for you might not though. Obviously only you (and your partner) know how much you can put up with the current situation.

 

Are you sure he has stopped taking the pills? Does he acknowledge that the pills have changed his personality?

 

(Por cierto, tu ingles es muy bueno. Conoces frases bacanas como “dime a dozen”!)

 

 

Gracias! Hablas español o eres colombiano?

 

He says he has stopped taking the pills, and I believe him. He doesn't acknowledge that the pills changed his personality. We were having some troubles in our relationship but they were not deal breakers. I don't know, this whole situation is horrible, I'll wait a little longer, I'm a human too and can't wait forever. 

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Konjo
2 hours ago, tomato said:

 

Sorry for not citing you in my post - I couldn't remember where I found those documents. And thanks for your hard work in copying them. Btw what made you copy them in the first place? Did you know beforehand that the topix thread would be deleted?

 

Not at all. I just collected all stories and divided them into users/  spouses document to show my ex. She didn't wanted to read it.

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TeaBea

Just want to say THANK YOU to Konjo for collecting those stories!!!  I clung to them when I first came across them.  I think I've read them through at least 3-4 times.  I'd turn to them when I'd get (more) upset over my own situation with my husband.  They helped me to remember (to seat the belief) the drugs were to blame...and that so many were worse off than me/us.  You say you have more to add to those stories?  

 

I did something similar--I collected all the stories I came across at various forums / websites that sounded like the issues we were dealing with, and I saved them to emails to myself.  

 

Anyway, THANKS for doing that because that forum thread had just ended, I think, when I was first searching for info.  

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