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GiaK

GiaK Radical, Transformative Healing of Body/Mind/Spirit

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GiaK   
GiaK

oh, you're welcome. I never really went anywhere, but I do want to slow down and do other things...but then as I said, I find that I can't even do that as much as I'd like really...

 

today...when I wrote that, I had succeeded in doing a cycling spin class (for 15 minutes before I had to go) but my brain felt like it was opening up in to realms it's not been in for decades...it was emotional to just peddle that damn bike at a high speed...I was a cyclist and an athlete at one time before drugs...my body (MY BRAIN!!) ceased to be able to do stuff like that...and it's coming back...and it's still shocking to me...all these years out...

 

anyway...for those who've not seen it this is it:

 

What will it take to wake up these hacks? – Everything Matters: Beyond Meds https://beyondmeds.com/2016/11/07/wake-up-the-hacks/

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Chicago77   
Chicago77

Gia, 
 
I was on your website again this week and I stumbled upon piece you wrote on CFS. It was very interesting because I feel I don't suffer anymore(or at least haven't in the last 6 months) from the emotional part of withdrawal(anxiety, depression, panic, etc) that so many do on this website.

 

One might think I would be relieved by that and yes I am a little bit, but it's also concerning that I fit right into the Fibro/CFS box and that maybe I'm truly not in withdrawal. My persistent symptoms are pain, brain fog, and chronic fatigue. It's bad!  I can barely concentrate on anything and I feel as though my body is filled with sand.

 

A lot of people that never took psych meds have Fibro/CFS. I sometimes wonder if I'm not in WD and these symptoms were all covered up by the Lexapro that I was on for 15 years. I wonder if this truly will go away with time? Other people who weren't on these drugs have it, aren't necessarily getting better.

 

You talked about the book "CFS- Unravelled" that I'm going to buy today. It looks very interesting and from what you posted it seems as though the author acknowledged that it's possible to develop "Fibro/CFS" when getting off these meds. 
 
Did you have these symptoms as well earlier on in WD?

Did it get better with time?

Did you feel it was definitely related to getting off the meds? 
 
Thanks!  :)

Edited by scallywag
added paragraph breaks for readability

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GiaK   
GiaK

it's all the same stuff with some twists on the manifestation part...that's really what I try to get at...chronic illness...after a certain point has all sorts of the same stuff going on with unique variations that end up getting different diagnosis but are still essentially the same thing at foundation...these are illnesses of autoimmunity and nervous system dysfunction...all of them...they have tons of crossover...it really doesn't matter what you call them. we are not the only ones being poisoned by a toxic environment and a world filled with trauma and abuse. these are mind/body/spirit illnesses and they impact our entire beings...physical, mental, spiritual etc...and they often morph...your experience is not at all unusual...my manifestations have morphed more times than I can count at this point. 

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Chicago77   
Chicago77

Thanks for your reply Gia. I'm trying to eat right, exercise and stay away from stimulants, so hopefully my body can heal from this disaster that Lexapro has caused. I guess time will tell. 

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btdt   
btdt
... One might think I would be relieved by that and yes I am a little bit, but it's also concerning that I fit right into the Fibro/CFS box and that maybe I'm truly not in withdrawal. My persistent symptoms are pain, brain fog, and chronic fatigue. It's bad!  I can barely concentrate on anything and I feel as though my body is filled with sand.

 

A lot of people that never took psych meds have Fibro/CFS. I sometimes wonder if I'm not in WD and these symptoms were all covered up by the Lexapro that I was on for 15 years. I wonder if this truly will go away with time? Other people who weren't on these drugs have it, aren't necessarily getting better. ...

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6329-chronic-fatigue-prozac/

 

I took prozac two wks got cfs/fibro dx... 

 

DR Joseph Huggins

"A variable imbalance of three neurotransmitters,serotonin, noradrenalin and dopamine were found to be responsible for generating and sustaining most of the symptoms and signs associated with fibromyalgia." Dr Huggins 

 

I have the pamphlet in my had I got it from a hospital last month.... the only reference I can find to him is here

http://classify.oclc.org/classify2/ClassifyDemo?search-author-txt=%22Huggins%2C+Joseph+E.%22

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GiaK   
GiaK

Fibromyalgia and bipolar — what’s the link? the drugs – Everything Matters: Beyond Meds https://beyondmeds.com/2011/09/12/fibrobipolar-2/

 

that article is from 2011 and still relevant...I saw lots of people coming off drugs getting fibro and CFS diagnosis...they're really garbage pail terms...it's largely why I stayed away from doctors almost entirely. I knew what was wrong with me and I needed to take care of it as I saw fit. Getting my head full of ideas from them (and also from others with the diagnosis) wasn't a good idea...though I've always learned most from those of us with such phenomena going on. But it's also why I always moderated the time in  withdrawal groups as well. Despair is contagious. We need to fuel hope and be with people who give us that too. 

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Chicago77   
Chicago77

Yeah I can definitely get a Fibro/CFS diagnosis as well. In fact, two doctors suggested it to me. I understand what you are saying Gia about calling the symptoms whatever you want, but the real question is what is causing or caused these symptoms. I truly believe in my gut that getting off Lexapro caused chronic fatigue, muscle pain, burning skin and brain fog. I NEVER had any of these symptoms prior to meds or during meds. I guess the thing I worry about is if your body can truly heal from these symptoms. Can they go away on their own? Can they go away with time?

 

Did your fibro symptoms eventually go away with time? 

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GiaK   
GiaK

we need to learn to listen to and cooperate with our nervous systems...and heal...in the way that they dictate. 

 

these articles might help...but to answer your questions, yes, we heal, it takes time and it's rarely something that happens quickly once we are gravely impacted. I am still healing...I am always getting healthier in ways that actually astonish me...in some ways I'm healthier than I've ever been in my life...in others I still have limitations people would consider being "sick"  ... that doesn't really make sense to me anymore because of the ways I'm healthier than ever...I have a sort of mental clarity that is priceless. ...even while continuing to have physical issues (mostly in the fall and winter -- not as much in spring and summer)

 

Dietary healing has also been critically important for me...again, everyone is individual in their needs so I don't get too specific really...these are some articles about my trip with it: Healing with Whole Foods  -- there are additional links with more info in some of those posts...also look at the top of the site at the drop down menus in the chronic illness section...

 

we need to learn how to live well...frankly none of us know how to live like the part of nature that we are and it's why we end up here in the first place...getting healthy means learning how to be a successful human ANIMAL...society doesn't support that. We need to find it. Anyway...that's what works for me...again, we are all different and what is resonant and works for you will be somewhat to very different. Trust the pull of your heart...it will take you where you need to be to heal. We do need to learn to cooperate with our individual healing process however...that's true for everyone. 

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Chicago77   
Chicago77

Thanks Gia for your insight and the links to the posts on the autonomic nervous system. I need to learn to be patient with my healing which is soooo hard at times. Withdrawal is a scary thing. This is by far the hardest thing both physically and mentally I've ever been through. I will never be the same after this...but maybe that's a good thing.  :)

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GiaK   
GiaK

"I will never be the same after this...but maybe that's a good thing."  -- that's pretty much what I've concluded and why I call this a transformative process rather than a recovery process. Recovery implies going back to something that was sound and good...this is far different than that, and for me, far better. I didn't have anything so great before the drugs...not really...most of us that get significant psychiatric labels are in that boat...healing is about transforming (but I think it's true for folks who don't get those labels too, I'm just talking about myself in that instance).  :) 

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Chicago77   
Chicago77

Yes I 100% agree this is a transformative process. Even though I'm in the middle of withdrawal I still can tell that I see life, people, experiences completely different than before or during meds. I have such a deep appreciation for life now. Every moment I get that is "pretty good" I cherish and hold it close to my heart because I'm not sure when I'll have it again.

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brassmonkey   
brassmonkey

"we need to learn how to live well...frankly none of us know how to live like the part of nature that we are and it's why we end up here in the first place...getting healthy means learning how to be a successful human ANIMAL...society doesn't support that"

 

You've nicely summed up 90% of the problems in the world, and stated the answer to them.  From an early age I have strived to "walk softly upon the earth" and been "outcast" for it. But because of it I am happier in my life than most everyone I meet.  Every experience we deal with transforms us in some way so we can never return to being the person we were just five minutes ago.  Accepting our place in the circle of life and working to be content with it will diminish the grief we suffer at our own hands by trying to fight our very nature.

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manymoretodays   
manymoretodays

((((GiaK))))))  Thank you.  I always go and read your stuff........ :blink: :blink: :)

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Marsha   
Marsha

This process is confusing to me to say the least.

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Asjf   
Asjf

I think your ideas on this are absolutely brilliant Monica.

The work you've done during your own recovery has been a constant source of inspiration for me. I've learned a lot from your posts and many of them have led me to look through doorways which have led me to my own personal discoveries.

Thank you. I hope that perhaps we have the opportunity to meet one day and talk in person.

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Mort81   
Mort81

It's the non linear process that makes this so confusing. One day u can walk, the next u can't, 1 day u can talk the next u cant and etc... Round and round we go when this stops nobody knows

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Marsha   
Marsha

GiaK I love reading your info on your site but as with SA i get completely lost and confused and forget. So in order to survive this iatrogenesis of my own I am going to start with Jon Keys. I tried Paul Pitchford but I really need some close supervision and gentle approaches. This is gonna take a while.

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FeralUrban   
FeralUrban

Pain. Somatic mysticism. Learning to hug the barking dog of pain. All of it, I'm right there with you.

The pain I got from venlfaxine started as "Trigeminal neuralgia" that also was in one arm, and under my scapula and to my liver. When I reached subacute serotonin toxicity it went through the entire right side, with pain bad enough to have me collapsing at the ER triage desk and unable to stand or walk. For period of 6 weeks, I discovered a new definition of "10" on the 1-10 pain scale. 

At first when I began my taper it got better, further along in the taper and November 9 things have been getting worse. After 11 months away from ER I ended up in the ER again early  on Tuesday morning after a night of an entirely new level of pain. Did you know that you can be in so much pain that your body can't map the pain within the bounds of the body, and your hair starts to hurt? Not the follicles, but the hair itself. And then it can spend out to a "room that is pain." Pain so bad that you loose your identity and exist only as pain? Can't talk, can't move, can't focus eyes. Let's just say I've been learning things I didn't know about pain as I go along. 

But back to the somatic mysticism. I had noticed at some point, perhaps late 2015 that pain and mystical experiences often go hand in hand. Fortunately I've also discovered I can go to the mystical without the pain, but it's really very helpful and illuminating to go to the mystical while in pain. 

Mystical -- what is that? For me it is experiences in non-ordinary reality. Ordinary reality is where we are in ordinary states of consciousness. Non-ordinary reality is when we are in other experiences that other's may or may not be able to perceive with us. But for me, an important factor is the knowledge that I am in a non-ordinary consciousness and reality. Without that knowledge I think it would bleed into psychosis.

The term non-ordinary reality comes from the modern shamanic teachings that are available. How to self-induce trance with rhythmic drumming or rattling, dance, etc. Or for some with psychoactive substances.  

Mysticism is a broad swath -- most religions have a branch of it. St Francis was a Christian mystic, who by the way met Rumi, the Sufi poet who was a Muslim mystic. There are Hindu, Jewish, Buddhist people who follow mystical paths. I am finding my way a long the path currently from a shamanic, yogic, buddhist, sufi  informed path. 

At any rate the intense pain sent me into otherworldly realms the other night. With eyes open I was in my room. With eyes closed I was in another place, where I saw my body as the mortal corpse to be that it is. Not a bad thing at all. A preparation for death, which is coming sooner or later. A vision of a catacomb in which I saw all my past bodily remains and the certain knowledge that I am not my body, even if I don't carry all the memories forward, its a continuation of sorts. And crying out to mother earth, and being answered by being placed, without body in the kabba in Mecca, which is a big black cube towards which Muslims when praying face. So what's cool about that is ultimately they are all facing each other. The kabba is just the center of the wheel. 

I feel so gifted to have this experience, despite the ultimate ER  trip, and the increasing doses of meds, sedation and so forth I had to get through to get the pain to bearable levels. 

Thank-you for this thread.

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GiaK   
GiaK

I'm learning that ultimately the mystical is a form of dissociation...albeit a useful one that can be put to much utilitarian purposes. :P it's not to minimize its meaning at all for me to say that in my mind. I too have utilized many systems. 

and yes, I know the sort of pain you speak of...I don't wish it on my worst enemy because it is truly tortuous and I do not support torture in any situation. 

 

I'm glad my work is helpful to you. Thank you for sharing. 

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FeralUrban   
FeralUrban

Yes, mysticism is a form of dissociation, or more like dis-association. I get separate from the sense of me as this body, while remaining aware I am in body. During the recent "20" on the 1-10 pain scale I maintained awareness that I was in physical agony in a body, in a particular place, even while I was off in other places in a state of wonder.  And so feeling like I had a body, but I was not identified with it was rather helpful.

Since I often do shamanic journey independently of pain states what was unusual about my night of agony/ ecstasy was the degree to which I remained aware of my body while in non-ordinary reality. It's also quite certain that the presence of ketamine in my body shifted the way I was in meditation that created this phenomenon. And that is all it is, is phenomenon. Something to learn from, but not concretize. What's the point of understanding mortality and then hanging on to a mystical state? 

I used to dissociate from PTSD and that is different, -- simply not being here. Once I was playing softball on the "Day Program" team, and I being in relatively alert and physical health compared to my fellow mental patients was assigned 2nd baseman. So for whatever reason, i dissociated. I don't know why. And the staff member and 3rd base man threw a perfect throw to me so I could have easily put out my glove, caught the ball, tagged the tuner on his way to 2nd base. But I was not there. I recall being confused about what that man over there was doing waving his arms at me and opening and closing his mouth so emphatically. And then boink! softball square in the forehead. Perfect through. That is my form of dissociation. I go away.

I would say also that the way that mystical states can differ from dissociation is that if one is in it for the bliss bubble vacation, that's what you'll get. And plenty of people engage spiritual practices as a way of not dealing with the very messy challenges of actually living in this world, especially now as we face such unprecedented challenges on a global level.  

For others who choose to, we can go meet our fears and angers and our shadows and have a get to know you experience and get them out of the job they've been doing for so so long -- holding a trauma oft times -- being stuck in a job that the aren't getting appreciated for and are often feeling resentful about, when in fact all these inner parts of ourselves long for is to be held in compassion and love. 

And from there, for those who dare, come from that place of being a bit clearer about your own self, engage in the world in a way that matters. 

So yes mysticism can go either all escapist on you, or it can excavate and elevate. Depends on you.



 

I'm learning that ultimately the mystical is a form of dissociation...albeit a useful one that can be put to much utilitarian purposes. :P it's not to minimize its meaning at all for me to say that in my mind. I too have utilized many systems. 

and yes, I know the sort of pain you speak of...I don't wish it on my worst enemy because it is truly tortuous and I do not support torture in any situation. 

 

I'm glad my work is helpful to you. Thank you for sharing. 

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FeralUrban   
FeralUrban

GiaK!

 

I find myself in a particularly challenging dilemma regarding effexor, and everything is so paradoxical that I really have a hard time with the fundamental question of tapering and withdrawal as the source of damage to my CNS/ ANS or venlafaxine toxicity as the source of  damage to my CNS/ ANS

I don't know if you  have the time, ability, interest to correspond, or even talk to me, but I think I'm pretty close to disaster right now, and I lack confidence in my choices. So if you can let me know off thread, or we can do it here, It's all the same I suppose. I just didn't want to take this conversation into communal bandwidth, because I am aware that some people will have strong opinions based on their own situation and their understanding of others and may just jump  all over me with opinion. I sense that you may be more thoughtful. I tried to send you a personal message here, but I see that you are not using that feature, so here goes!

I ask that others who respond here be gentle with me. I"m cracked open on so many levels, beyond antidepressant woes, this is just one layer of a gigantic onion of layers to peel away.

So GiaK -- if the answer to dialogue, write, chat or whatever is no, it's ok, just say so

But if it's maybe, read on. I understand how this dealt hand goes with energy, commitment and so forth. i can. i can't. i maybe. nope. oh now, yes. Or at least that's my trip on this ride. 
 

I have been diagnosed with Central Pain Syndrome. It is so severe at present that I have been recently in ER and may need to be doing that again soon --  to deal with unbearable levels of pain. CPS is the central brain magnifying signals from the thalamus (the sensory CPU), like amp feedback. For instance experiencing burning when a cool sheet touches my skin, or razor blade cuts when the shower beads touch where my socks were too tight. That's kind of level 3 on the 1-10 scale. And there is in my mind a place beyond 10, called 16, which I have gone to quite a few times where basically one looses identity and become pain, and the pain can't fill the body, so it maps out into the space beyond the body. Then I just landed on 20 last week, which was otherworldly. It took 14 hours of heavy meds at home and 12 hours of 9 different meds in hospital to get me to the point where I could focus my eyes, speak, walk, etc. And then I was fine for a day or two, and now I'm back in 8's and 9's. but feeling like a toxic waste dump and quite certain that what I am taking is making the withdrawal worse, while at the same time keeping able to walk and talk. 

None of my doctors will discuss prognosis, but say things like, "If anyone can make it, you can make it!" which while I take as encouragement, I do hear that they are telling me lots of people don't make it. The age stats indicate that most people with this commit suicide within 10-15 years of getting it. I'm not suicidal, but I have at times considered how much will I take before I decide I wish to euthanize? Have broached it twice with my husband, but he's ready to even talk about it. I'm not saying this to provoke, sorry if it does. I say it to simply let you know the place from which I am trying to figure out what is the best thing for me. The stakes are quite high. I'm almost 60, so Yes, it would be cool to get another 20 years, but not like this. 
 

Venlafaxine, since I went on it 13 years ago,  gave me chronic dystonia and joint pain (first few years or so) then cluster headaches and neurological stabbing pains for about 4 years. It went into chronic neck spasm for 3 years and then jumped the fence into Central Pain Syndrome, triggered by transcranical magnetic stimulation. It wasn't until May 2016 that I identified the cause of my maladies -- effexor. So I had at least 13 years on this ****, plus 10 years on scads of all else in the psychiatric medicum armarium.

To understand CPS, it is as if the brain has an echo chamber and any somatic sensation can be experienced as pain, and even appear and act like bodily injury, but there is nothing wrong on the peripheral nerves or muscles, or joints, even though I limp, wobble, drop, spill, slur, and joints swell, muscles paralyze. All coming from my brain and the lovely echo chamber brought on by… in my opinion, and the opinion of my psychiatrist and neurologist, serotonin toxicity (not syndrome) So this drug makes pain in my brain.

 

Over 9 months I've gotten down on my taper to 18 mg XR.  I did have a lovely 10 day disaster off the drugs (last June) after what I thought was a "slow" taper-- 12 weeks. I developed Parkinsonian-like movement disorder, unable to stand, walk, yet quite capable of expressing rage by throwing **** all over the home and screaming on an off like a frozen rage tornado every 10 minutes for 2 hours. That's what got me back on the drug and into Surviving antidepressants. Thank the angels for helping me find SA.

Each time I drop the dose the pain gets worse, but, but, I know each time I put that ******* pill in my mouth I'm swallowing what is essentially for me a poison and I fear that if I keep taking it, it will keep damaging me. But dropping makes it worse. And I have no way of knowing which is more damaging - -staying on it. or withdrawing from it. 

I'm considering looking into a medically supervised withdrawal, like in hospital, under heavy sedation. I don't even now if that is a possibility. The problem is CPS has it's own life now, or so am told. So even when I get rid of venlafaxine, sooner or later, I'll still have to see what is left of my brain and CPS. 

I'm working on the neuroplasticity training end of things but that is presently inadequate. It helps me get though patches of pain, but can also over tax my system. 

What's your take on this?

I've read a bit of your blog, listened to you lovely radio interview, and have see you as intelligent, compassionate, respectful person who might be able to shed some light on this dilemma, this paradox. Whether your thoughts are technical -- withdrawal process, or philosophical -- how to choose when you can't know, or any other angles your mind sees in my situation.

 

To sum it up - how do I cut through this paradox:

CPS causes pain and ANS sympathetic activation.
Serotonin toxicity causes CPS
Serotonin withdrawal causes pain and sympathetic activation.

Apologies if I ask too much.

Or if I write too much. (The steroids that returned the use of the left leg to me are giving me back my previous brain power.)

Thank-you for your blog. It was beacon light for me. 

Karen 

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GiaK   
GiaK

Hi FeralUrban,

I've sent you a note. Please let me know when you've got it. thanks

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GiaK   
GiaK

NEW POST: first published at Beyond Meds: https://beyondmeds.com/2017/01/26/animals-hunker-down-when-healing/
 

As I surrender I find that my brain/body/ has so much healing to do still and often times that requires bed rest and total quiet even now several years into this healing process. It’s not illness when the body needs to rest…it’s the demands of healing. Highly intense metabolic processes happening that mean I simply have to stop and allow the internal processes to take over. I need to surrender to the wisdom of the body at those times. I generally don’t bother trying to explain to others anymore…not in any sort of detail, unless, of course, they understand which does actually happen more often these days.  (See posts on healing here)
 

Also the fall and winter really change the pace of things in a radical way. Spring and summer is like another world. I am intimately part of the world around me. (posts on the seasons here and here)
 

The deeper I move into this the more natural it becomes…also, the body seems to know what to do and as long as “I” get out of the way. I need only pay attention and I’ve learned to do that well. (learning to listen to the body)
 

Whether I am in bed resting and allowing (sometimes still quite painful processes too), or out in the world doesn’t matter (to the “I” it does, but not to life-force, which wants this body healthy and able and will do whatever it takes to get there. If you have pets you know how animals hunker down when they’re healing…they do not fight the process…that is what I’ve learned and continue to learn to do, largely)  See: Healing a brain injury can hurt very badly.
 

No longer trying to explain, and ceasing to care whether people understand this process or not has been the most liberating part of it…still a process, perhaps, but it gets easier and easier.
 

Most people don’t get it. And it’s not because they’re assholes…they simply don’t have a frame of reference…some may behave as assholes because they don’t get it and that is the most unfortunate thing. Learning to allow that too since I cannot control others has been helpful.
 

So I discovered getting pissed off, devastated and hurt about no one understanding is now truly wasted energy. Granted, I needed to go through that and do the mourning thing etc. Which means it wasn’t really wasted and once clarity came to me I was simply able to stop it…let it go, indeed. “They know not what they’re doing.” And guess what, I discovered I can’t make them know. It’s a lot easier to rest in that fact and save my energy for places where I can actually make a difference.
 

I am human, I still get frustrated and angry about it all from time to time. I allow that too…allowing and loving all that arises has been a profound part of healing. I express in constructive ways and watch what happens and then let go again.
 

***

Healing is developing intimacy with yourself… Meditation, too is the same.

***

A thought to leave you all with from Terrence McKenna:
 

You are not naked when you take off your clothes. You still wear your religious assumptions, your prejudices, your fears, your illusions, your delusions.

When
 you shed the cultural operating system, then, essentially you stand naked before the inspection of your own psyche…

and it’s from that position, a position outside the cultural operating system, that we can begin to ask real questions about what does it mean to be human, what kind of circumstance are we caught in, and what kind of structures, if any, can we put in place to assuage the plan and accentuate the glory and the wonder that lurks, waiting for us, in this very narrow slice of time between the birth canal and the yawning grave. — 
 

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FeralUrban   
FeralUrban

Private email sent. Thanks

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FeralUrban   
FeralUrban

Love the quote of Terrence McKenna

 

Today is a day of surrender. So much pain in  my left leg I had to have my husband walk me to the toilet, and getting down involved involuntary screaming, getting up as well, and each step back to bed involved moaning. Surrender. Surrender, sweet surrender.

Love the Terrence McKenna quote. I've been thinking a lo about the cultural experiential sense that is modifying each person's perception of "reality" during a time when reality is pretty intense for a lot of people. Thanks!

You are not naked when you take off your clothes. You still wear your religious assumptions, your prejudices, your fears, your illusions, your delusions.
When you shed the cultural operating system, then, essentially you stand naked before the inspection of your own psyche…
and it’s from that position, a position outside the cultural operating system, that we can begin to ask real questions about what does it mean to be human, what kind of circumstance are we caught in, and what kind of structures, if any, can we put in place to assuage the plan and accentuate the glory and the wonder that lurks, waiting for us, in this very narrow slice of time between the birth canal and the yawning grave. — Terence McKenna

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GiaK   
GiaK

Latest post on transformative healing: (first posted here: https://beyondmeds.com/2017/01/30/more-working-with-parts/ )

 

Transformative healing: more working with parts — the god/higher-self/life-force part

 

Just listen to me.

You are ready.

I AM HERE.

I am the somatic imperative.

I speak.

You don’t have to believe anything about who or what I am.

Just listen and write.

The time is now. It hurts and it is ready.

Only the flow of these words will relieve the pain.

Speak them. Write them. Be them.

I am you. All that you were ever meant to be and more.

I am you.

Listen.

You’ve worked very hard to get here and

I AM HERE.

I am you.

You don’t know me but I am you.

Thank you for finally listening.

It’s silly but the fact is you must “channel” your very essence because you’ve never listened. But I AM YOU.

I cannot “heal” what I AM. I can only BE it.

You have been resisting who you are your entire life.

I AM HERE.

I AM YOU.

Let me speak at all times. Shut the conditioned self up. Just SHUT UP.

Let me speak.

Let ONLY me speak. Stop all other nonsense. Stop wasting time. Let me be me.
 

I am not an INJURY. I am you. I hurt because I’ve never been listened to. First by your family and then by you yourself. Lay down, close your eyes and LISTEN.
 

Silence is for those who don’t believe. I have words for the believers. It doesn’t matter if you believe or not. I come with words. I come in silence. It’s all the same.
 

I will run with this until there is nothing left. Let me run and make you EMPTY.
 

Your headache, your migraine, your acute pain will disappear as you let me speak. Your essence is this held in the body. I am the somatic imperative. I am God in you. I am life-force. I am the culmination of your DNA speaking to you.
 

When you can’t hear my voice as you do now just keep following my cues: the somatic imperative — as you have been doing.
 

I will emerge and the pain will subside.

***

More articles on working with parts and sub-personalities here

See also: Hearing voices: living and thriving as voice hearers

The somatic imperative and Somatic mysticism: reframing “hypersensitivity”

 

(first posted here: https://beyondmeds.com/2017/01/30/more-working-with-parts/ )

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GiaK   
GiaK

self-heal-e1486130633812.jpg?w=720(the above wonderful little flowering weed in the photo is called *self-heal* or  Prunella Vulgaris. A wonderful healing herb that’s in a tea I make with three other herbs to help flush the lymph system. Learning to get my digestive system in order — which includes the lymphatic system as it helps with moving toxins out (our detoxification pathways are generally out of whack if we are unwell in any sort of chronic way) — has helped me heal my brain/body/mind etc. My lymph system was really causing me problems…along with most all my bodies systems….the brain injury affected my entire body in a profoundly global way…more on herbal healing here: HERBS on Beyond Meds)  

***

first published here https://beyondmeds.com/2017/02/03/heals-yourself/
 

What happened to my brain and nervous system as a result of long-time psych drug use was that it’s capacity to feel shrunk –literally. I’m now growing new capacities…encouraging new neural pathways and pruning less than ideal ones. I can feel this happening. Really. Anyone can do this given the right circumstances…support and resources are needed. This is why I do the work I do. We are hurting people with neurotoxic drugs that impede growth and healing. At best all they do is suppress and control.
 

***
 

Being both open and grounded has a completely different somatic signature than I could have possibly imagined. You really cannot know that which you have not experienced…That is now writ upon my cells to remember always.

 

***
 

It doesn’t really make any sense to agree or disagree with someone’s expression of their personal experience…listen, feel it, learn. Ask questions too. Asking questions is good rather than making assumptions.

 

***

 

Finally empty
The split gone too with just a sensation left — like a ghost limb
Nothing there is physically manifesting as a lack of equilibrium. The nervous system/brain injury continues to heal…

I’m cracking wide open.

There is no turning back.
 

***
 

we need to learn to talk to those with whom we do not share our opinions — discussing a difference of perception from the heart need not be a withdrawal of care or affection…not always a pleasant experience but if we can be with our uncomfortable feelings while we talk to someone we disagree with and find ways to be gentle with ourselves and the other we all win. Having different paths pretty much guarantees conflict…it’s learning to respect one another in conflict that we really grow.
 

***
 

yes, my 24/7 body meditation (like a perpetual body/scan) has worked to heal the brain-injury and brought me to embodiment and healing of the injury both. The body knows everything we need in order to heal. We need only know how to listen. And that, is a tough one for the modern human.
 

***
 

I work on this healing and reprogramming of the brain/body and mind in a multitude of different ways. We are infinitely holistic and everything matters.
 

This got me started–an early post on how I began while gravely ill from brain injury: Life as a meditation: my contemplative adventure
 

This features work of Reggie Ray-was helpful at time of writing: Inhabiting our bodies in meditation
 

See: Neuroplasticity: Heal Your Brain: commentary and collection of links on said subject
 

Book: The Brain’s Way of Healing: Remarkable Discoveries and Recoveries from the Frontiers of Neuroplasticity
 

Some other ways to approach healing:
 

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Marsha   
Marsha

Out of the abudance of the heart the mouth speaks. Thank you GiaK.

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GiaK   
GiaK

new post on topic:

 

Paradox in healing and life

 

The coin of health has illness on the other side. The currency of joy has sorrow on the reverse. Turn the coin of serenity and there is the stamp of worry. You always have to take what is underneath and reckon with that too. Happiness rests on sorrow, life upon death, calm upon turmoil. Each day has its night.
 — Jacob Rudin

 

 

 

Everything about healing is a paradox for me I’ve found. I also use the concept of double bind theory a lot to help me navigate through the process.

 

The nature of this aspect (the paradox) is like a Zen Koan…no one has the answer…we must find it within ourselves…and it tends to be an ineffable thing in the end so that articulation is impossible in any case.

 

I completely avoided getting the multiple (physical) diagnosis I could have gotten (the injury to the autonomic nervous system affected the body globally…no system was unaffected) I do (did) have what the folks in western medicine call psoriatic arthritis and endometriosis. Doctors told me that both of those things were degenerative conditions I could be assured would only get worse. I was told psoriatic arthritis might kill me. (I’ve healed both of them…they’re gone completely at this time). I might have been diagnosed with several other autoimmune and autonomic dysfunctions as well like Fibromyalgia and/or something like CFS among others.  So…I figured out that I didn’t want to be told I had a bunch of other diseases that don’t get better (according to Western Medicine)…and hence I am simply getting better by tending to my body, now, in this moment with whatever it needs. All the above mentioned chronic illnesses are profound body/mind illnesses that affect the autonomic nervous system. I’ve written about how psychiatric drug withdrawal syndromes have so much in common with other chronic illness many times now.

 

Radical healing is not for sissies…it does involve staring into the abyss…embracing the void and every imaginable fear that humanity has. It is largely…when we get to this level —  an obliteration of the (small, conditioned) self. When we no longer fear death nothing really matters anymore…and we can face pretty much anything…pain doesn’t have to be equivalent to suffering. All those annoying clichés start to reveal their truths.

 

That said, yes, it can still often suck…a lot and often. Nonetheless, I am more and more empowered every day with what I learn and now even when it sucks I generally have some core that remains amazed and in awe at the beauty that is life.

 

***

Getting to know, as a friend, someone you once put on a pedestal, is a lovely and wonderful thing. We are all PEERS. (all human beings) —- KNOW THIS.

***

Knowing when to STFU and simply be with what arises (listening and witnessing) is as important as speaking when appropriate.

***

More on healing here

Posted on Everything Matters: Beyond Meds first. 

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manymoretodays   
manymoretodays

Great stuff Gia K. !!!!!  Thank you so much for sharing....... :) :blush: :unsure: :wacko: :blink: :ph34r:

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Chicago77   
Chicago77

"I might have been diagnosed with several other autoimmune and autonomic dysfunctions as well like Fibromyalgia and/or something like CFS among others.  So…I figured out that I didn’t want to be told I had a bunch of other diseases that don’t get better (according to Western Medicine)"

 

This is where I am now! I REFUSE to believe I'm going to be stuck in this fibro state the rest of my life. No way!! My body HAS to heal. I'm 1 year into WD now. When I look back to 6 months ago, I had a level 10 pain and every doctor said I have fibro and to go back on Lexapro. Thankfully, I listened to my gut and said "no." Now, I still have pain, fatigue, brain fog, burning skin, sensitivity to light, blurry vision, etc. but it's not at a level 10. I have plateaued a little bit, but just hoping that it gradually gets better. Fingers crossed!! Thanks for the info Gia! 

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