cpuusage: history and experiences

[cpuusage]

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Hello cpuusage. What drugs are you taking now, at what dosage, and what times of day? Do your symptoms get better or worse during the day?

 

Please update your signature.

 

Wishing you better days for the new year.

Already says in my signature - past 13 years have maintained 200mg going to 300mg of Amisulpride since the last very major psychotic episode. i have been on the Amisulpride for 19 years.

i take it at night.

First major psychosis aged 7 - from the ages of 17 to 31 went through 7 very major psychotic breakdowns totalling around 8 years in very severe / florid psychosis.

 

The symptoms fluctuate a bit but are more of less permanent. It's a constant state of unwellness / symptoms. Permanent alteration in my perceptions since the age of 17 with the first major psychosis - which i have constant thoughts about. Has been a very severe case of schizophrenia. 

[Altostrata]

Have you discussed your adverse effects with your doctors?

 

Are you looking to reduce amisulpride?

[cpuusage]

1 minute ago, Altostrata said:

Have you discussed your adverse effects with your doctors?

 

Are you looking to reduce amisulpride?

As per what i have discussed on the forum - there is a 38 year history of severe mental health difficulties / extreme psychosis / severe case of schizophrenia. i don't know what is the condition / illness / experiences & what could be drug effects from a 27 year history of psychiatric drug treatments. As well as past 17 years in severe alcoholism / addiction (now over 16 years T-Total).

 

i stopped all medication 5 times. The last 3 times were disastrous & i went into very severe psychosis / illness, which was near catatonic. i don't see how i can know what is medication withdrawal effects from the underlying condition. Regardless the effects have been the same.

 

It has been incredibly challenging to try & find a deeper resolution & healing to things within my overall life circumstances & nature of the condition / difficulties / experiences.

 

i would love to be successfully free of the medication, but feel that i need a lot more in the way of appropriate & comprehensive understanding help & support before another attempt. There is No help from the NHS / mental health system around it all. & i don't have the levels of support needed in my life. i have spent 35 to 60 hours per week, every week for the past 8 years being a full time carer for my mum through her very severe illness, & i have very difficult dynamics with my twin bro. There is No other close family. There are No close friends who have a deeper understanding of the issues around it all. i have very little money / resources.

The whole thing for the past 13 years has in part felt like an endless catch 22 / double bind. i have left all the other mental health forums that i was on & most of the mental health facebook groups as generally it wasn't helping  & there wasn't the understanding & support that i was looking for - & within all these areas it seems that all a lot of people do is engage in endless polemical arguments & disagreements. i won't engage in it all in the same way.

i was planning to try & slowly reduce the Amisulpride this year, & try & get to 250mg, but i have Not been well, am under huge amounts of stress, & it didn't seem wise at the current time.

[cpuusage]

i have been fully discharged from all psychiatric / mental health services again for the past 7 years & they refuse to see me, they also refuse me any psychological help & have Never had any that is appropriate. My GP (General practitioner) would Not be in agreement to a medication reduction, & there is Nothing that he can do in relation to it all.

[cpuusage]

i'm also dealing with all this in the context of 7 years of austerity in the UK that has primarily targeted the mentally ill, & could see the end of a social security system.

According the BMJ UK Austerity has directly caused the deaths of 120 thousand people & the rights of the disabled in the UK has been very seriously eroded. All this is flat out denied by the MSM, Government & mainstream society & 'non one' cares about it all. The UK has gone into a mixture of Extreme Capitalism / Neofascist imo, in line with the general Global rise of the Far Right.

[cpuusage]

26 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Have you discussed your adverse effects with your doctors?

 

Are you looking to reduce amisulpride?

 

i don't know why i am being cross examined on it all - But if you & others have a problem with how i am on here then i am quite happy to leave. i have largely had it with all mental heath forums / mental health discussion on-line anyway.

[Altostrata]

I'm not sure what an appropriate response might be to your posts. You seem very angry. I am sorry you are in this difficult position.

 

15 minutes ago, cpuusage said:

i was planning to try & slowly reduce the Amisulpride this year, & try & get to 250mg, but i have Not been well, am under huge amounts of stress, & it didn't seem wise at the current time.

 

If you would like peer support for tapering, please let us know.

[cpuusage]

3 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

I'm not sure what an appropriate response might be to your posts. You seem very angry. I am sorry you are in this difficult position.

 

 

If you would like peer support for tapering, please let us know.

Thanks. Not angry at all. Have been in extreme terror more so in the past, & mainly it's been a lot of fear / severe anxiety.

You are maybe reading into the text perceptions of who i am which are Not who i am - i was just being honest about some of the complexities & difficulties involved within my own individual life, case & circumstances.

For over 30 years what i have wanted is proper / appropriate psychological / social help, support & understanding. i would like to see a shift within the general understandings & treatments of people experiencing mental health difficulties to something a lot more comprehensive & humane, especially with the psychoses. i have read hundreds of books on mental health, & done 10's of thousands of hours of research into it all - it doesn't change the realities of what i have outlined above & discussed in other places on the forum.

[cpuusage]

Other than my own small forum that takes a fully inclusive, integrated, integral, holistic Model - am pissed off with all the endless anti / critical / pro / alternative psychiatry / medication polemics, agendas, arguments, judgements & disagreements, same with all the other argument on the internet with politics, religions, economics, ethnicity & everything else that humans spend their time arguing & fighting over - & i won't engage with it all the same way any more. Have had enough of it.

[cpuusage]

3 hours ago, data17 said:

cpusage, I can relate to much of what you say.

I am in the UK, have had schizophrenia since 1990, now in my 50s, quite disabled and excluded.

 

Thank you Data. i'm 44. Started for me Age 6. Massive episode age 17. Yes Disabled & Excluded - right words.

 

This society is as much the problem as the condition / experiences imo.

http://www.hindustantimes.com/pune-news/saving-schizophrenics-behaviour-of-society-crucial-in-treating-mental-disorders/story-5OLBt4a363aaD19fAvr29H.html

Did you ever watch Nightbreed / read the book Cabal by Clive Barker - "The Country of the Blind" by H. G. Wells - The Chrysalids by John Wyndham - any of the original books by Philip K d*ck?

Anyone that tries to state it's society & it's understandings & treatments of people that's just as much if Not more the problem isn't too well received. R.D. Laing, Carl Jung, John Weir Perry, Loren Mosher,  Erich Fromm, Philippe Pinel, Gail Hornstein, Peter A. Levine, Michael Cornwall, & many others. Certainly the direct experience of the 'madman' is pretty much invalidated.

123 million people slaughtered by Normal people in war in the 20th Century alone - all the realities of this World - & it's Normal!!!?

[cpuusage]

All set off in a big way in 1990 / 1991 for me as well Data.

[cpuusage]

2017 has been an incredibly difficult year & the high levels of stress have been very triggering of my condition. I still feel that I need in depth psychological help for everything.

The same stuff goes round & round in my thinking & I get almost permanent anxiety, bad & difficult feelings, I have some days where there is a terrible feeling in my heart / chest area.

I constantly relive the past, especially around what happened at the age's of 16/17. I can't get rid of the thinking of the main content of the original 'delusion' / psychosis that a Malevolent Alien Species has been & is controlling the Earth & seeks to enslave & destroy the earth & humanity, within a 5 million year old Cosmic Battle between Light & Dark Forces. However much I try & re-frame it all I still feel it's true.

There is the same very difficult circumstances & dynamics with family, & in maintaining independent living. A lot of worry & concern with the continuing Austerity, welfare 'reforms' & everything that goes on in the World.
 

I'm Not denying the illness / symptoms, nor biological factors, as I have been in very severe / extreme psychosis, & I am Not well. But a lot of stuff I do also see on deeper psychological, emotional, traumagenic, sociological & what I consider to be spiritual / transpersonal levels, that I don't feel I have been able to more fully work through & resolve, & in certain ways I feel has been compounded by overall life circumstances, reactions to me, the way this society & system is in it's treatment of people with schizophrenia, my overall family dynamics, & lack of access to to more appropriate understanding, help & support on psychological, emotional & social levels.
 

I may of course be wrong about it all & things are primarily some kind of brain condition / dopamine issue. Certainly it is all a No fault condition / illness & despite my best efforts it's how it all is.

I don't know how to work through certain things or try & more fully resolve certain things, nor change the ways that I see everything. On one level I feel stuck in a kind of endless catch 22 / Double Bind. This endless Austerity, being unwell & having to prove illness, while trying my best to heal & do the best that I can with everything, which is incredibly difficult, just maintaining independent living I find a lot of work, & having the current political, social & media climate I find very difficult – with the growing social inequality / political Left & Right Divide, War on Terror / rise of all forms of extremism, Brexit, Trump, all the Global Warming, Pollution & other environmental issues etc.

I have used the internet a fair amount over the past 13 years to try & find support for things, but am having to increasingly step back from it all, as there appears to be just as much a reflection of all the same problems & conflicts in the World on-line. & as Obama said recently, it appears to becoming more & more Balkanized.

[cpuusage]

i also can't engage in the same way in any philosophical / polemical debates about mental health & medication when the UK Government is committing state Democide on it's most vulnerable citizens -

 

http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/cambridge-news/cambridge-report-says-health-cuts-13909652

[manymoretodays]

Hi cpu,

 

I think I had seen a post from you somewhere, about smoking cigarettes?   That you are currently a smoker?   And I'm sure that you know about cigarettes competing with dopamine receptors or something like that.......and then the outcome is.........you need a higher dose of your AP?

 

I'm sure you already know this and I'm not preaching or anything.  I've gotten down to 14/day(cigs) myself and am holding until after my upcoming travel.  Some days it's less even!

 

Okay.  Just thought I'd post that here.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

manymoretodays

[cpuusage]

4 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

Hi cpu,

 

I think I had seen a post from you somewhere, about smoking cigarettes?   That you are currently a smoker?   And I'm sure that you know about cigarettes competing with dopamine receptors or something like that.......and then the outcome is.........you need a higher dose of your AP?

 

I'm sure you already know this and I'm not preaching or anything.  I've gotten down to 14/day(cigs) myself and am holding until after my upcoming travel.  Some days it's less even!

 

Okay.  Just thought I'd post that here.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

manymoretodays

Yea - i smoke around 40 roll ups a day of additive free natural tobacco & have been smoking for 34 years. It has been one of my main ways of coping. Yes it's bad, yes it doesn't help - & i have tried literally everything since i started to stop. i have Not been able to. & yes it will probably kill me eventually.

[manymoretodays]

Hi cpu,

My point/thinking was really around that if you did manage to decrease the smoking a bit,  just a wee taper,  that it's possible you might....... tolerate a 10% or even less taper from the Amisulpride.  I know you are really unsure and I'm not suggesting stopping medication completely.   Of course the long term usage of Amisulpride is not so great for your overall physical.....physiological health and well being.  I mean the cookie being that a reduction in cigs might make for a seamless transition to just a lower dose of the Amisulpride.  Perhaps now is just not the time..........  I will keep you in my meditations, reflections, positive intentions however...........that somehow life just gets easier for you sometime real soon.  And the past.......well, the past is past, and the same............that you never have to repeat it, as far as my intentions go.  Yours is quite the story/experiences.  And I thank you for sharing........oh and all those great finds of yours too!

 

It's been interesting for me.......in reducing the cigarettes........as I am tapering off, as was suggested awhile back to me.  Nothing conclusive.......oh, just the usual expected bits of irritability/crabby/decreased tolerance to some people and situations.  Then as I hold steady......that passes.  So......I'm hopeful I can ease my way into being a ex smoker some day.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

mmt

[cpuusage]

Thank you. i will try. i would love to be free of the Amisulpride - or even to reduce a bit & to be able to cut down on the tobacco, & stop. i just feel so hopelessly dependent on both.

[cpuusage]

i am very much in the same routine - i spend 60 to 70 hours a week sat with mum, week in & week out, as i have done for the past 8 years. Mum has been totally physically infirm & bed ridden for the past 2 years or so.

 

It's been a huge amount of stress & worry with everything.

 

i am awake at 5am to 6am every morning - still addicted to tobacco, coffee & the internet - i smoke about 40 roll ups per day, drink 10 mugs of coffee - & sometimes spend all day on the internet - But there are worse things.

 

Am still getting a lot of grief from the DWP & am going through another reassessment currently. My GP is being as supportive as he can be.

 

The mental health side of things hasn't been great - the past 8 or so years have been very stressful, & 2017 was an incredibly difficult & stressful year. i have the same stuff go round & round my head. i do wonder at times about going back to the odd NA meeting. i really didn't feel well over Christmas & New Year.

 

i am still working with spiritual healers, but wanting to step back from it all again more. My mornings are more free, & i meet up with different people from time to time.

 

i'm still addicted to buying books, & doing a lot of on-line research. i write a lot of letters to people, mainly around genuine reform the mental health system & better treatment for people.

 

i keep my forum ticking over, but it's more like a personal Blog -

 

http://healingsanctuary.proboards.com/

 

i have found a good psychologist to work with, but have to wait another 18 months before i can start work with them, & i don't know what my circumstances will be by then? i have always wanted proper psychological help.

 

i am very much always brought back to having to accept the diagnosis / condition - dual diagnosis - addiction & schizophrenia. i can't just magick it all away.

 

Have been banned off fb for another week again for arguing politics. i feel that i maybe ought to stop all political discussion on-line. & i hate politics. Humanity needs to sort itself out & clean up the mess it's made of the planet.

 

Some things have been & very much are delusional. i don't have control of the past or future. All i can do is to plod on as best that i can a day / moment at a time.

 

Life is speeding on by.

[Altostrata]

Please make sure to get at least a half-hour of gentle exercise, such as walking, each day.

[cpuusage]

23 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

Please make sure to get at least a half-hour of gentle exercise, such as walking, each day.

 

i try my best to.  All i can do is my best with what i have under the circumstances. i have needed & need proper psychological help / social support.

[peng]

Listen to you on many of my my visits here, cpu.

Such a shame for a person and a great thinker to be so trapped.

All I can offer is my best wishes and respect.

I hope the spring will see your feelings improve.  More blue/green space and sunlight for you down in Hants, too.

peng.

[cpuusage]

20 hours ago, peng said:

Listen to you on many of my my visits here, cpu.

Such a shame for a person and a great thinker to be so trapped.

All I can offer is my best wishes and respect.

I hope the spring will see your feelings improve.  More blue/green space and sunlight for you down in Hants, too.

peng.

Thank you Peng, that is very kind of you. i hope that things are well with you.

 

i'm Not sure that a certain level of intelligence & insight is always that helpful.

 

Are you familiar with this song? i love Marillion.
 

 

[cpuusage]

Fugazi

 

 

"The Neurotic Psychotic Chaotic" or Be STILL?

 

 

BEYOND “Service to Others vs. Service to Self.”? Beyond Duality? Beyond 'Fear vs. Love'?

 

 

[cpuusage]

 

[cpuusage]

i would like to go somewhere with people that know what they are doing & withdraw from this neuroleptic drug & get proper & appropriate treatment.

 

i can't do it alone, & with self help, the internet & books.

[Altostrata]

We would all like to go to that lovely withdrawal spa, cpuusage. Unfortunately, it does not exist.

[cpuusage]

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

We would all like to go to that lovely withdrawal spa, cpuusage. Unfortunately, it does not exist.

 

& what is it i am meant to do then, when it's a struggle enough to just survive a day at a time, & any reduction / stopping of medication ends up in very severe / extreme near catatonic psychosis. i fought the system from day one, & was forced treated multiple times & made dependent on the medication. i didn't originally ask for it all like so many others. & how am i meant to have & how can i resolve a 38 year history of severe schizophrenia & everything that has gone along with that without any proper / appropriate psychological help / social support - simply using self help methods, books, & with advice from people on the internet?

The internet is just filled with endless bickering, arguments & conflicting advice & camps, between anti / critical / pro / alternative psychiatry positions & agendas.

[cpuusage]

Someone just replied this to me in another thread -

"You need adequate and continuous psychological support, in line with "Open Dialogue Principles", 3 times a week, for 5 years."

& herein is the problem - i haven't / don't have it & can't access it, despite my best efforts. There is No adequate, appropriate & continuous psychological help / social support & never has been.

 

i would also say that within the realities of my overall history / circumstances / severity of the condition, even with ideal support it may well now be an impossibility to come off the medication.

What a load of crap my treatment has been.

[peng]

Stay strong, man.

Respect and very best wishes for you.

[cpuusage]

7 hours ago, peng said:

Stay strong, man.

Respect and very best wishes for you.

 

Thank you Peng.

[cpuusage]

i can't deal with all the endless argument / debate around mental health / illness any more. i have deleted a load of people off my facebook page.

Reality is that i have been through a severe case of schizophrenia with all that has entailed. If i don't take the medication i end up very severely ill.

i have Not been able to access more in the way of what i feel is appropriate psychological / social support for my needs.

 

i don't agree with a lot within the current mental health system / treatment - But it is better than Nothing, & i would like to see it all genuinely reformed rather than abolished.

 

The current system has done more for me on a practical basis than all the anti / critical / alternative psychiatry areas, & on that basis if i have to pick a side then it's with psychiatry. 

 

Maybe this group isn't the right place for me & i have left most other mental health forums / pages as it is.

 

In general i don't want to hear endless Szasz type anti-psychiatry / anti-medication / mental illness doesn't exist / do Nothing arguments, Not after the realities of everything that i have been through & my current circumstances.

General society has to sort out all these areas, the miss / over diagnosis - the mass medication of society - there being better alternatives - etc - i can't engage in it all any more in the same way. It's the responsibility of society as a whole, it's Not my responsibility, nor to be Mr mental health debate. i have to accept the realities of my own life & condition / illness.

i need a proper step back & rest from it all. To focus on other things.

[cpuusage]

In my own life & experience given the severity of symptoms / illness that i have experienced - at least there is a certain level of validation with the schizophrenia diagnosis. For all the criticisms of the system - at least they did their best to help - it was far better than Nothing & the medication does work. i don't see what real help, Not negating what help there has been - from all the anti / critical / alternative psychiatry areas - left to them i would have died in a ditch 27 years ago.

[Shep]

3 hours ago, cpuusage said:

Maybe this group isn't the right place for me & i have left most other mental health forums / pages as it is.

 

Hi, cpuusage.

 

I came across your thread over in the Finding Meaning section ("Spirituality, Philosophy etc") and was struck by the wealth of knowledge, wisdom, and information you are sharing with us. I do hope you stick around here, whether or not you taper.  You are providing some much-needed food for the soul. 

 

On 12/26/2017 at 3:24 PM, cpuusage said:

i was planning to try & slowly reduce the Amisulpride this year, & try & get to 250mg, but i have Not been well, am under huge amounts of stress, & it didn't seem wise at the current time.

 

I noticed in your posts, you vary from wanting to taper to being satisfied with being on the drugs. This is part of the process and I do understand the frustration. 

 

If you decide you wish to reduce the Amisulpride to 250 mg, as you wrote in the above quote back in December, have you thought about trying a very gentle micro-taper?

 

Micro-taper instead of 10% or 5% decreases

 

With a gentle 1% reduction per month, you would be down to 250 mg in about 18 months.

 

On 2/22/2018 at 1:25 AM, cpuusage said:

i smoke about 40 roll ups per day, drink 10 mugs of coffee - & sometimes spend all day on the internet - But there are worse things.

 

You may want to slowly taper your cigarettes and coffee as you taper the Amisulpride. When I was on antipsychotics, I was using coffee and stimulants (Dexetrine) to handle the side effects of the antipsychotic. I found I needed to get off these in order to sleep as I came off Seroquel, my last antipsychotic (most of the 30 years I took these drugs, I was on Stellazine, which also caused me to use stimulants and caffeine). 

 

So you may want to reduce 1 cigarette a month and 1/2 cup of coffee a month. At that rate, by the time you've reached the18 month goal of reducing the Amisulpride down to 250 mg, you'll be down to 22 roll ups a day and almost completely off coffee. If you find you still need a cup of coffee, then play it by hear and adjust your caffeine use as needed. Perhaps you'll find a replacement for the coffee. I found that I enjoyed the ritual of sitting down to a hot cup of coffee and was able to replace it with various types of teas that don't contain caffeine and still enjoy the ritual of relaxing with something hot to drink. Caffeine and nicotine both increase dopamine, so reducing them as you reduce the antipsychotic may make your taper more comfortable. It's going to be a matter of adjusting all of the dopamine agents in a way that is the most comfortable for you. 

 

No pressure to taper, cpuusage, but since you've periodically shown an interest, I just want to give you some information. By doing this extremely slowly and not focusing on "coming off" but on "lowering your overall drug burden", you may find your way down to a level of medication that allows you to function but has less side effects. 

Edited May 16, 2018 by Shep
fixed typo

[cpuusage]

Hi Shep

 

Thank you for the kind, helpful & supportive reply. You have done incredibly well to have got successfully free of all the medications.

 

Given the realities of my overall circumstances, symptoms, difficulties & underlying condition i feel that i need more in the way of proper / appropriate psychological help / social support. i feel that this has always been part of the difficulty with everything, a lack of more appropriate help. i have also come to more & more of an agreement with what psychiatry says it all is, that i have been through a severe case of schizophrenia. i have experienced a lot of extreme psychosis & delusions. i also very much identity with a complex PTSD, severe anxiety & social anxiety. i ave been fully discharged from all psychiatric / mental health services again for over 6 years & they refuse to see me - there are pros & cons to that.

i have found a very good psychologist, but i have to wait until June 2019 before i can start work with them, & the cost of it all may be an issue.

 

i have also been working with another healer & we have been trying some things - But really i feel that i need proper psychological help. It's Not either to negate the love & support of family, friends, healers & what help there has been from the system, which i am grateful for.

 

For the past 10 years i have been helping care for my mum 40 to 60 hours a week through her own severe illness, & it has been a massive strain & stress with it all. Too much to try & go into it all & all the family dynamics that are involved. My twin brother is the main carer & does a wonderful job & most of the practical jobs, & also helps me with meals & other support. He has also had / has his own health difficulties.

 

There is also this constant worry & pressure from the DWP within the current socioeconomic / political climate & having to constantly prove illness for social security eligibility or potentially face even worse circumstances, & potential homelessness. The landlord is now wanting to put the rent up again - there are constant worries, stresses & pressures.

 

i have made a lot of progress, but it really is a massive achievement for me to continue to maintain a degree of stability & independent living, let alone anything else.

 

i will carefully consider what you have written & suggested. Thanks again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Shep]

I completely understand, cpuusage. If you change your mind, we're here for you. 

[cpuusage]

i have Not been well. i am under a lot of stress, worry & pressures. i have a 38 year history of severe schizophrenia. i have done everything to try & heal & recover from it all. 

 

i have Not had & do Not have the understanding, help & support for my circumstances, condition & difficulties & cannot access it all. People arguing that the illness / schizophrenia doesn't exist is ridiculous. 17 years of working with alternative healers / alternative approaches has Not worked. & all this talk of wonderful alternative treatments is also pointless as such alternatives can't be accessed & don't exist. 

 

i have made an appointment with the GP to say how unwell i have been & discuss increasing the medication. i don't see what other choices i really have in all this. 

 

i currently take 300mg of amisulpride. An optimal dose for schizophrenia is 800mg. i need professional medical advice around it all. i can't carry on like this.