powerback: tapering no 2

[powerback]

27 minutes ago, Scorpio said:

Hi pb

at the moment you have to concentrate on yourself. I am not at all experienced in the way drug reduction works but at the end of September you were feeling a whole lot better. Do you think you are tapering your beads a little too quickly. Three drops from 19 sept to  12 October is quick and maybe you are not giving time for each drop to stabilise. I know we all want to get off this poison but it takes time. We all learnt that the hard way which is why we are here. I’ve had those horrible thoughts while going through waiting for stability and it’s awful but it’s a symptom and not you. 

Keep fighting. 

you could be correct scorpio with the drops.this drop didn't give the last one any time to stabilize  by the looks of it .I have other situations in my life that are flaring up stress .I need to find a solution and get a plan together and get away from my living environment for a while .

Thanks scorpio ,how is the back ,I'm sorry I haven't been by  your thread .

[Scorpio]

Hi pb

check it out with the moderators see what they think. You can updose one bead maybe it could be all it takes to help stabilise. You were doing so well, enjoying being with your parents. Getting out. Don’t despair. You have come a long way.  You have to try and avoid the stresses although it is so difficult. 

My back is improving thank you for thinking of me, stability is still eluding me but slightly better day again today. Fingers crossed we balance soon. 

[powerback]

53 minutes ago, MollyN said:

Hi powerback - geez I'm sorry for your withdrawal experience - sounds really overwhelming right now! I'm with you on the weather - I love it when the outside weather conditions reflect the way I feel inside (well, at least I used to, prior to stupid ct anxiety, which makes every rain storm feel like the end is nigh!) 

 

You're not ranting pb, you're living through really tough stuff. Ranting is when I get upset about the lack of staff rostered at our local supermarket, which makes the queues annoyingly long and the staff stressed, so the overseas owners can increase profit... hahahaha actually, that sounds perfectly reasonable to get upset about too lol (just kidding, I'm trying for zen calm) 

HI mollyn thanks for stopping by ,lets have a rant off ,my biggest one at the moment is listening to the horrible housing crisis in Ireland and no one wants to tackle the problem ,like what you say about people from over seas getting rich ,the thing here is called vulture funds ,the rich buying up cheap property in the housing  crash and now letting the houses sit idol and letting the price raise again because of demand ,truly disgusting .its no different than the famine ,the haves and the have nots ,democracy is a total lie  .phew breath .

I love nature and I was a bit annoyed I couldn't get out and experience the storm ,I settled for looking out the window .

[powerback]

3 minutes ago, Scorpio said:

Hi pb

check it out with the moderators see what they think. You can updose one bead maybe it could be all it takes to help stabilise. You were doing so well, enjoying being with your parents. Getting out. Don’t despair. You have come a long way.  You have to try and avoid the stresses although it is so difficult. 

My back is improving thank you for thinking of me, stability is still eluding me but slightly better day again today. Fingers crossed we balance soon. 

Ye I have spiralled badly the last week .think ile keep at this dose for a few weeks .

What is balanced I do wonder and ponder . I'm thinking of building something like a war room were I can go and get peace and save people from my horrendous moods ,I was lying in bed today thinking of it .

 

[Scorpio]

Hi pb

good idea on both counts. You know the saying, slowly, slowly catch a monkey - that’s how we have to get rid of this poison. 

When you build that room give me the address I could use it too. Keep going. It will get better. It did before it will again. 

 

[powerback]

12 minutes ago, Scorpio said:

Hi pb

good idea on both counts. You know the saying, slowly, slowly catch a monkey - that’s how we have to get rid of this poison. 

When you build that room give me the address I could use it too. Keep going. It will get better. It did before it will again. 

 

LOL your welcome to it no bother scorpio 

[wantrelief]

4 hours ago, powerback said:

HI wantrelief thanks for stopping by .I finally started to take the power away from doctors when I realised they  were going to kill me ,even if it was going to be inadvertently .that's were the name came from .its very hard for my mother to watch though because she grew up in a generation that doctors are messiahs .in the age of the internet and information we all know differently .

Ive got extreme brain fog for a long time so trying to work out my past few years is hard ,but I definitely had poop out and symptom's taking the drug .my main problems started a good few months after my doctor said there be no problem going from 75mg to 37.5 [sig].you see my damage was done while I still listened to doctors .

 

my cognitive issues became apparent to me summer 2016 and it became worse so the mix of that and long working hours ,I snapped and my brain has been in a bad state since November really .I'm living in extreme states that I believe people should be sedated for ,its causing untold damage to my brain .

 

there's no real research for tapering let alone prolonged protracted withdrawal .[this site is great ] and its becoming better .

All bets are off in my case and others like it.im basically in damage control for a long time . 

 

if your in poop out as you think you'll either have to up dose or run the gauntlet of withdrawl .please consult the moderators about anything with meds as you know yourself .please don't let my thread let you determine your own path ,there are many variables to each persons case .I have certain life situations that mite not hamper you and vice versa .

when you start your taper ,leave no stone unturned ,prepare your life and environment as best you can ,the stupidest things can trigger me in this withdrawal .if your getting by ok stick to that and prepare your taper like a military operation and treat it like that ,sadly I was kidding myself the whole way along .

 

Take great care and your  screen name is a very apt one for a lot of people on this site .

respect .

PB

 

Hey pb - Thanks for writing back. It is funny what you said about my screen name....I like yours better as it is more about what we want for ourselves deep down.  Thank you for explaining more about your journey.  After I asked you those questions, I actually felt badly as I know you are going through a difficult time and don't really need to be rehashing your experience right now.   I really related to what you said about living in extreme states.  I feel like I never really understood mental illness until faced with withdrawal or whatever it is we are going through. I really hope if you hold where you are, these more extreme symptoms will go back down.

I'll be thinking about you.  Let us know how you are doing.

[powerback]

7 hours ago, wantrelief said:

Hey pb - Thanks for writing back. It is funny what you said about my screen name....I like yours better as it is more about what we want for ourselves deep down.  Thank you for explaining more about your journey.  After I asked you those questions, I actually felt badly as I know you are going through a difficult time and don't really need to be rehashing your experience right now.   I really related to what you said about living in extreme states.  I feel like I never really understood mental illness until faced with withdrawal or whatever it is we are going through. I really hope if you hold where you are, these more extreme symptoms will go back down.

I'll be thinking about you.  Let us know how you are doing.

Hi WR ,dont be apologising your welcome for some background ,im happy to answer .I should provide a link to  my history really.dont let them nuero emotions get to you(feeling bad) ,we are all in the same boat and have a connection ,albeit because of suffering .

Its a horrible irony isnt it,withdrawl gives us the mental ilness .

Ye ile hold for a while thanks.

Take care 

PB

 

 

 

[powerback]

HI everyone total respect to you all.

I have a question for mods  and members  : is anyone aware of cases like my own  with extreme noise sensitivity[Misophonia] witch triggers anger/irritation  and startlness .

I'm desperate to solve it ,its horrific .I will have to move or be thrown out of were I live because of its affects .

I did the usual doctor google and got all the information but it just annoyed me that everything has to be connected to a DSM diagnosis ,the world is tainted by that book .

I suppose I'm wanting someone to tell me  it clears up and there's known cases  and its just a withdrawal symptom ,its definitely worse lately but its a year since it started .

 

I am going on a very strict plant based whole foods diet ,I've been on this site preaching to others about cleaning up there diet and yes I do cook from scratch all the time but honey and sugar does pop into my system and it needs to stop and I'm eating meat every day ,I joke to my mother that going up to her house is like a crack den for me lol because I have zero impulse control and I eat rubbish and feel guilty like I've gone back on heroine [never touched it but you get my drift ] .a nice nuero emotion there to always watch out  for .

its funny because I wont buy it but if its in my eye line its devoured .I have Halloween and Christmas to get through .I was in the supermarket the other day and I couldn't believe all the sweets that was being bought for trick or treating .I wouldn't hand it out at the door [that's by door tricked or eggs thrown at it  so,from what I've read about sugar and these products ,in 30 years  it  will be illegal ,I suppose itl just be like the pharmaceutical industry and all the research buried and ignored for profit .

 

Thanks for any reply's in advance .total respect .

PB

[freespirit]

PB, the sound irritation was one of the most pronounced symptoms I had. But I'd also suffered from a less extreme version before that. Several things made a difference for me. One was doing relaxation practices of some sort several times a day. The less stimulated the nervous system, the less reactive I was to sound. The 2nd was the choice to wear earplugs and sometimes, wearing them while I was meditating or doing qi gong. I've had a lot of noise going on nearby, as houses on both sides are being totally renovated. After 1 week of heavy equipment, I started getting the same rage back. Solution--buy a more substantial set of earplugs that block sound almost completely and add in extra times of meditation. A couple of days and back to normal. I think part of the trick is noticing through mindfulness before things turn to the extreme anger and are more in the irritation realm.

 

[powerback]

1 hour ago, freespirit said:

PB, the sound irritation was one of the most pronounced symptoms I had. But I'd also suffered from a less extreme version before that. Several things made a difference for me. One was doing relaxation practices of some sort several times a day. The less stimulated the nervous system, the less reactive I was to sound. The 2nd was the choice to wear earplugs and sometimes, wearing them while I was meditating or doing qi gong. I've had a lot of noise going on nearby, as houses on both sides are being totally renovated. After 1 week of heavy equipment, I started getting the same rage back. Solution--buy a more substantial set of earplugs that block sound almost completely and add in extra times of meditation. A couple of days and back to normal. I think part of the trick is noticing through mindfulness before things turn to the extreme anger and are more in the irritation realm.

 

Hi freespirit thanks for your reply and the backround on Your issue ,what a pain having all that construction  being done around you ,I always have earphones to drown traffic noise when im out and about ,I think its bad today because I didnt get a good sleep lastnight so loads of mindfulness today myself .

Take care 

PB

[powerback]

HI everyone wishing you well .

I need to have a good unload today .

The last two days have been torture with depression and guilt shame and anxiety [reading Mr breggins book wouldn't even help I sigh ].

I was out on my walk today and I was plagued  with intrusive thoughts and looking my fellow hikers in the eye was just to painful at times .but at least  I had the energy for the walk [up until today I've had crushing fatigue for at least 10 days    ] and I ran into a lady giving her puppy her first long walk so I had a chat and a pet of the puppy and it warmed my heart .I lapped up the affection and went on my way .I want say I feel better for getting out and we can mush through a lot and I'm getting better at reading my body's signs .

 

I had the thought of wishing  the drug was cutting off all these symptoms and feelings  and ruminating about why did I want to come off them in the first place but ile just keep going but the taper is brutal .

I am struggling with not actually living life and just existing ,making any decision is impossible ,I have set up counselling to off load all my pain and resentment and grief of a life not lived .I'm addicted to self-help videos and why do I bother because its going in one ear and out the other .the last few days I have a horrible feeling of vulnerability but its more like an inferiority complex going on witch I hate and I'm struggling to cope with it .I know I need to live each day as it comes but when it gets chronic its terrible and how can I ask others to hold on till I see the end of the tunnel. Another thing  I have no access to at the moment is humility ,there's still a strong demon in me that can accept what's happened .

A very interesting thing lately is the amount of old memories flooding back that I would never of normally had and of course all of them are negative and self critical .is it the drugs or is this my state ,I sure am fed up with it .

 

As many have said it before life is for living and this isn't living ,I'm beyond fed up .

please never stop these drugs without tapering .

peace everyone I'm exhausted just thinking .total respect .

PB

 

 

 

[MollyN]

Hey pb! Great to see you! 

 

I'm glad you got out - I'm so unmotivated I've been meaning to for 7wks now and not managed it. I agree it does feel tortuous to feel like we're not in step with the rest of humanity; as though 'they' had an easy grace that we can no longer access. 

 

Nice job sorting a counsellor! That takes some doing!  It's just an extra weight of guilt to feel like we endlessly unload on our friends/family, added to the fear that they'll reject us at some stage cause it's just to hard to be with us. 

 

I wonder if old memories might be a good sign? Some reconnections happening in your brain? You're getting there powerback! xxxmollyn

[powerback]

On ‎02‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 7:00 PM, MollyN said:

Hey pb! Great to see you! 

 

I'm glad you got out - I'm so unmotivated I've been meaning to for 7wks now and not managed it. I agree it does feel tortuous to feel like we're not in step with the rest of humanity; as though 'they' had an easy grace that we can no longer access. 

 

Nice job sorting a counsellor! That takes some doing!  It's just an extra weight of guilt to feel like we endlessly unload on our friends/family, added to the fear that they'll reject us at some stage cause it's just to hard to be with us. 

 

I wonder if old memories might be a good sign? Some reconnections happening in your brain? You're getting there powerback! xxxmollyn

hi molly thanks for your reply .

congrats on becoming a mod ,greatly welcomed .

PB

[powerback]

Hi everyone I have a question for mods and members ,is there anyone that's actually gotten there CNS checked or do we just judge it pre drugs as a baseline for how we deal and communicate with the world around us .

thanks in advance 

PB

[AliG]

Hey PB. I don't know about anyone else but I would go with the second option of judging it as we go ... It's really all we can do ~ do you really trust the doc's to tell you, even if if they really had a clue? Sorry, I can't be more positive. I've had enough.   

[powerback]

7 minutes ago, AliG said:

Hey PB. I don't know about anyone else but I would go with the second option of judging it as we go ... It's really all we can do ~ do you really trust the doc's to tell you, even if if they really had a clue? Sorry, I can't be more positive. I've had enough.   

HI AliG thanks for your reply ,I feel your pain with having enough .there's a funny line from an English sitcom [only fools and horses].

"knowing  my luck I would get reincarnated and come back as myself "  .I laughed my head off to that a year ago but lately not so much ,gave me a little chuckle just know ile admit [very dark humour ].

wishing you well ,we can forget you mods are on the same journey so good on yous for the hard work ,thanks 

PB

[AliG]

Thanks Powerback. Love the humor, whether it be light or dark. I keep forgetting that you're Irish. Now that I'm more aware, I keep hearing your Irish accent in my head , which is really nice, actually. My daughter lived in London for quite a while but also traveled to Ireland. She sent me some photos and it looked so very beautiful. It must be lovely walking ...

[powerback]

your welcome AliG ,I particularly love autumn and all the different colours of the leaves and trees and most of the leaves are on the ground now ,I was out today for a walk and took nice photos ,distracted me somewhat .my sister emigrated to Melbourne a good few years ago ,she loves it .my poor mam has lost her to Yous lol .

PB 

[powerback]

Note to self : I must leave my tablet out before bed [I usually do] because the way I feel this morning makes me think I'm after taking a double dose ,I cant be sure because I got into a habit of waking at 6 or 7 am and taking the dose then going back asleep so I was caught out today [pill box  comes to mind ] and couldn't remember so I took the dose at 9 am and within an hour my brain is full of buzzing fatigue[like the white noise of a tv ] ,strong anxiety and being startled with the slightest sound ,I did take a little magnesium citrate [bit off a quarter of the tablet ] .

 

Ile have to forego my acupuncture and sunny walk I had planned and lay in bed .I'm trying to accept this situation today and just flow with it but the sun piercing through the curtains is frustrating .

Argh  the joys of the nightmare we have to endure is truly cruel .

I am on week 4 of plant based whole foods diet and I cant say its anything like a miraculous transformation ,if anything I wonder if my nutrient packed green  smoothies I make in the morning is over stimulating .

the only symptom I have seen a drop in a bit is my noise sensitivity so I would say its the diet for that ,cutting out all the refined sugars .

I still have headaches but not has bad as before .

I wont lie I do miss my bit of meat ,I had a lovely pitta wrap the other day and I was basically hallucinating crispy bacon in it ,so I've noticed strong cravings the last 2 weeks ,I've learned a bit about eating this way so if and probably when I go back eating meat ,I wont eat near as much as I used to, that's for sure .

Respect to everyone .

PB

[AliG]

Hi PB.  Are you saying you took a double dose? I hope not and if that is the case then you really do need to come up with a new system. Perhaps, in the future you need to leave your tablet out in the kitchen to avoid these kind of mishaps. That way, you can be absolutely sure. Keep a notebook and tick it off when you have taken it. You can't be too careful.  

 

From personal experience, if you are finding the green smoothies too stimulating, there is no need to give them up completely ; just add less greens or cut them (greens) out completely for a little while. You could do bananas and/or berries with a little almond milk and cacao ~ it's all good ! 

[powerback]

17 minutes ago, AliG said:

Hi PB.  Are you saying you took a double dose? I hope not and if that is the case then you really do need to come up with a new system. Perhaps, in the future you need to leave your tablet out in the kitchen to avoid these kind of mishaps. That way, you can be absolutely sure. Keep a notebook and tick it off when you have taken it. You can't be too careful.  

 

From personal experience, if you are finding the green smoothies too stimulating, there is no need to give them up completely ; just add less greens or cut them (greens) out completely for a little while. You could do bananas and/or berries with a little almond milk and cacao ~ it's all good ! 

HI AliG thanks for the reply ,I wasn't expecting it from a mod with yous being so busy .that's the question I pose to myself ,did I take a double dose ,ile be much more careful in future .

ye I do find when I take a drink of it my brain gets very tired and uncomfortable ,ile sip on it trough the day rather than a big glass .your write I'm not giving up my smoothie/ nutrients ,our body's are working so hard in this process ,I want all the nutrients  I can get .

my milk at the moment is cashew fortified with B vitamins.

I love banana's ,I have loads in a basket but there not ripe enough so I cant touch them .I eat them very ripe when black spots on skin and the bonus is supermarkets sell the ripe ones at reduced price so I'm always on the hunt .

I hope your well .

PB 

[AliG]

I am too ~ always on the hunt, but a neat trick is to freeze the overripe ones or any excess in plastic bags and then you can not only add them to smoothies but make " nice cream" as well !

 

That is ~ frozen bananas in a blender.   It comes out like ice cream.

[powerback]

1 hour ago, AliG said:

I am too ~ always on the hunt, but a neat trick is to freeze the overripe ones or any excess in plastic bags and then you can not only add them to smoothies but make " nice cream" as well !

 

That is ~ frozen bananas in a blender.   It comes out like ice cream.

Ye I have a juicer that doubles as an icecream maker with an atachment,I throw in frozen bananas and its great ,not much call for it now coming into winter .this time of year I love making soups ,I couldn't touch the packet stuff .

[manymoretodays]

Hi Powerback,

 

Looks like you are doing "par" with your Effexor taper.  And great that you ARE tapering carefully.  I think it will pay off in the end for sure.  ,

 

It's an awful medication, Effexor.  It sent me skyrocketing into a period of being a person that I had never been before........I guess hypomanic is the best term for what happened to me on it.........I can't come up with a better term, though I don't like even using the psych labels anymore.  At first I thought that was how all people who were "normal" felt.  I was also in W/D from an old school AD at the time(I know this in retrospect only) and was put on Remeron as well.  However, I was pretty lucky.........nothing too, too far out in terms of behavior or taking risks.  I also began some cycling with my moods while on Effexor and some of the worst downs ever.  It was weird.........and like clockwork almost.........2 months down and out and near catatonic and then poof.......somewhat normal and I would over commit and overwhelm and boom.......back down.  I was on 150 mg. and once was upped to 300 mg. briefly.  This was when I began to take some of the more sedating medications(trusting my psychiatrist and believing in the medical model).

 

Anyway......thought I would pop over and say hi.  Tell you a bit about my Effexor experience.  And most of all encourage you to stay on the course of tapering.

 

Love, peace, healing/"in recovery", and growth/change at any age.....

 

mmt

[powerback]

Hi there ,look away now if easily triggered ..

 

This week I had a few hours of relief one night other than that I am in mental torture ,ive come to realise that all the belief and energy I put into thinking I'm not that bad because I can go off go walks for hours is utter rubbish [no walks lately ],all my issues  are mainly psychological, except for the marked difference in my strength ,I'm loosing it big time ,cant even motivate myself to go to the gym and keep my strength up .

nearly 6 weeks on a plant based whole foods diet  and I don't see any big difference in my symptoms .

 

I was thinking the fact I'm bouncing out of bed quicker is a bonus but my mental torture just seems to of upgraded in its place .

I have become a horrible person to be around and it is horrendous ,what ever has happened I cant control my moods ,its truly horrible.

I live with the constant fear I'm only a few words away from ruining my relationship  and loosing what little friends I have [don't think I even care about the friends ].

I also feel somewhat of a phony on this site giving advice to people while I get markedly worse by the day ,I can feel it in my bones that I'm heading for a huge breakdown ,bigger than last year  because I was living somewhat before that crash .I try so hard to read the advice people give on here about acceptance and I just cant do it ,everything about withdrawl rips the tools we have for life out of our possession and I just feel like I'm left on the freezing tundra expecting to survive the night with just thoughts of a warm cosy bed .

 

I'm going into 2 years at least with serious issues and I cant envision another 2 ,I'm reading people that are off the drug with less symptoms .I believe I am a case to just stop my drug in an emergency case.no offence to anyone else suffering ,I can foresee my future on experience and my personality  and all I've read   and its not an option for me .

I was hugely triggered the other day listen to my usual self-development videos that are no use to a brain that has only soaked up horrible experiences from withdrawal.i wont say what the trigger was ,ile save yous from that .

my only small hope is next week I go to a counsellor to off load [zero hope they'll "fix" anything .but I need to purge my soul .

sadly I wish ide been going there all year because I have offloaded some very painful things I cant take back that have gone against me but hey we live and learn I suppose .

Don't take anything I say here and run with it yourself ,this is my experience and our own  situation is very different to everyone else's.

 

I cant continue taking this drug while it rips my life  to shreds. But I cant risk ruining Christmas for my family so I would not make any decision until the new year . but I am well aware I cant put all the blame on the drug ,I have extraordinary painful emotions  that are resurfacing and I'm struggling with deeply .

but with out question these drugs do nothing but freeze your soul and emotions and personality and once they loose there grip they spit you out on the scrap heap while the world around you progresses and grows and your left feeling stripped bare .

respect to everyone and the people and stories I've read over  the past year ,its been a solace for me and of course the main one is the support I've gotten .

Here's hoping for better 2018 . 

 PB

[joy2730]

PB

 

I can't see signatures at present either on my laptop or my phone, and can't check on my desktop as I am working away from home.

 

I do understand your dilemma.  Years ago I was in a terrible state with side effects coming off dothiepin and I think I suffered badly and put my family through hell trying to get off it.  I eventually ended up on citalopram and this was good as the side effects were not as bad.

 

I am trying to say that not only do your suffer but your family does too.  If you are having loads of side effects then you will probably have to continue trying to taper but if can live with your drug perhaps you should live with your drug.  Maybe you are suffering a combination or withdrawal and the original condition for which they were prescribed in the first place?

 

Is your family financially dependent on you, do you have children or elders who need you to be well.

 

You are not a phoney on this site, your story is every bit as valid as anyone else's.  I watch this site carefully and many people choose to stay or drugs or just reduce and then stay on a smaller dose.

 

The dilemma you are facing is more common than you think.  Which way are you leaning in your heart >  We would all like to be off all meds and be fit and well and functioning well, but a perfect world is unlikely to be possible for everyone on this site?

 

Joy

[powerback]

5 hours ago, joy2730 said:

PB

 

I can't see signatures at present either on my laptop or my phone, and can't check on my desktop as I am working away from home.

 

I do understand your dilemma.  Years ago I was in a terrible state with side effects coming off dothiepin and I think I suffered badly and put my family through hell trying to get off it.  I eventually ended up on citalopram and this was good as the side effects were not as bad.

 

I am trying to say that not only do your suffer but your family does too.  If you are having loads of side effects then you will probably have to continue trying to taper but if can live with your drug perhaps you should live with your drug.  Maybe you are suffering a combination or withdrawal and the original condition for which they were prescribed in the first place?

 

Is your family financially dependent on you, do you have children or elders who need you to be well.

 

You are not a phoney on this site, your story is every bit as valid as anyone else's.  I watch this site carefully and many people choose to stay or drugs or just reduce and then stay on a smaller dose.

 

The dilemma you are facing is more common than you think.  Which way are you leaning in your heart >  We would all like to be off all meds and be fit and well and functioning well, but a perfect world is unlikely to be possible for everyone on this site?

 

Joy

Thanks for your feedback joy ,I'm at my wits end .if I was guaranteed relief ide take another  drug[currently on 6 beads out of 37.5] ,but its always been a problem when I touched them ,only the other day I remembered one Saturday a few years ago I was in extraordinary mental torture after a change of dose/med .I was amazed and slightly annoyed how cavalier my partner was about it  recently .I suppose you have to live it .but I cant fault her ,she was there for me that day .at the moment my odds seem like 10.000/1 and I don't like them odds .

I'm starting to wonder if hospital and Zyprexa a year ago mite of been the better option than to ride it out .I don't have another year like this in me ,I know that for a fact .

Its very unnerving when you don't need to put a horror movie on when your living one .not for one minute is this a poor me saga ,everyone on this site is amazing to live with such circumstances but the longer it goes on the more you loose I think . 

I wouldn't even bother tapering if I was well and functioning at this point ,I want to live and be normal ,I'm so angry and beaten down by the last couple of years .

Thanks again joy for your feedback .take care.

PB 

 

[dj2010]

20 hours ago, powerback said:

Hi there ,look away now if easily triggered ..

 

This week I had a few hours of relief one night other than that I am in mental torture ,ive come to realise that all the belief and energy I put into thinking I'm not that bad because I can go off go walks for hours is utter rubbish [no walks lately ],all my issues  are mainly psychological, except for the marked difference in my strength ,I'm loosing it big time ,cant even motivate myself to go to the gym and keep my strength up .

nearly 6 weeks on a plant based whole foods diet  and I don't see any big difference in my symptoms .

 

I was thinking the fact I'm bouncing out of bed quicker is a bonus but my mental torture just seems to of upgraded in its place .

I have become a horrible person to be around and it is horrendous ,what ever has happened I cant control my moods ,its truly horrible.

I live with the constant fear I'm only a few words away from ruining my relationship  and loosing what little friends I have [don't think I even care about the friends ].

I also feel somewhat of a phony on this site giving advice to people while I get markedly worse by the day ,I can feel it in my bones that I'm heading for a huge breakdown ,bigger than last year  because I was living somewhat before that crash .I try so hard to read the advice people give on here about acceptance and I just cant do it ,everything about withdrawl rips the tools we have for life out of our possession and I just feel like I'm left on the freezing tundra expecting to survive the night with just thoughts of a warm cosy bed .

 

I'm going into 2 years at least with serious issues and I cant envision another 2 ,I'm reading people that are off the drug with less symptoms .I believe I am a case to just stop my drug in an emergency case.no offence to anyone else suffering ,I can foresee my future on experience and my personality  and all I've read   and its not an option for me .

I was hugely triggered the other day listen to my usual self-development videos that are no use to a brain that has only soaked up horrible experiences from withdrawal.i wont say what the trigger was ,ile save yous from that .

my only small hope is next week I go to a counsellor to off load [zero hope they'll "fix" anything .but I need to purge my soul .

sadly I wish ide been going there all year because I have offloaded some very painful things I cant take back that have gone against me but hey we live and learn I suppose .

Don't take anything I say here and run with it yourself ,this is my experience and our own  situation is very different to everyone else's.

 

I cant continue taking this drug while it rips my life  to shreds. But I cant risk ruining Christmas for my family so I would not make any decision until the new year . but I am well aware I cant put all the blame on the drug ,I have extraordinary painful emotions  that are resurfacing and I'm struggling with deeply .

but with out question these drugs do nothing but freeze your soul and emotions and personality and once they loose there grip they spit you out on the scrap heap while the world around you progresses and grows and your left feeling stripped bare .

respect to everyone and the people and stories I've read over  the past year ,its been a solace for me and of course the main one is the support I've gotten .

Here's hoping for better 2018 . 

 PB

so sorry to hear you are suffering so badly PB, wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, it really sounds like the venlafaxine is working against you, but I think just stopping like you have mentioned would be catastrophic, you don't want to end up in hospital pumped full of more drugs, it would also probably mean many years of intense withdrawal with no doubt extreme insomnia,

 

I am not sure if this is a good idea but if dropping 1 bead is effecting you so much and causing so much suffering then maybe try dropping a few beads at a time but hold in between each drop a bit longer, I am just trying to think of a different approach you could take to get as much of the drug out of your system, I found I was feeling much better once I got to a very low dose, the venlafaxine must of been working against me, the more drugs out of my system the better I was feeling, I know not everyone is the same though...

 

Hopefully the mods will give some sound advice on this, you should definitely not do anything until after the new year anyway,

 

stay strong buddy

[AliG]

22 hours ago, powerback said:

I cant continue taking this drug while it rips my life  to shreds. But I cant risk ruining Christmas for my family so I would not make any decision until the new year . but I am well aware I cant put all the blame on the drug ,I have extraordinary painful emotions  that are resurfacing and I'm struggling with deeply .

 

You have been careful up to this point and while I understand the pain, particularly at this time of year, I would persist ~ this does take time and also, an extraordinary amount of patience.

You can do this ~

Ali

[powerback]

2 hours ago, dj2010 said:

so sorry to hear you are suffering so badly PB, wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, it really sounds like the venlafaxine is working against you, but I think just stopping like you have mentioned would be catastrophic, you don't want to end up in hospital pumped full of more drugs, it would also probably mean many years of intense withdrawal with no doubt extreme insomnia,

 

I am not sure if this is a good idea but if dropping 1 bead is effecting you so much and causing so much suffering then maybe try dropping a few beads at a time but hold in between each drop a bit longer, I am just trying to think of a different approach you could take to get as much of the drug out of your system, I found I was feeling much better once I got to a very low dose, the venlafaxine must of been working against me, the more drugs out of my system the better I was feeling, I know not everyone is the same though...

 

Hopefully the mods will give some sound advice on this, you should definitely not do anything until after the new year anyway,

 

stay strong buddy

Thanks for your support and input DJ ,it means a lot coming from someone like yourself .I totally agree about hospital and being pumped with drugs ,that is definitely the worst of the worst case scenario .nothing worse than the idiots that run these places getting hold of ye .

Thanks so much for coming up with ideas for me ,it warms my heart .your approach has merit .Ive been at 6 for a while ,when I went to 7 it was a disaster ,I was like the devil with irritability  being one of the worst to cope with. Anyway enough of me .

 I hope your family is well and firstly yourself so your strong for them .I see you've taken a step back from the site ,which is never a bad thing ,so I appreciate your  input and support .

Stay strong and be compassionate to yourself .

PB

[powerback]

1 hour ago, AliG said:

 

You have been careful up to this point and while I understand the pain, particularly at this time of year, I would persist ~ this does take time and also, an extraordinary amount of patience.

You can do this ~

Ali

Thanks AliG for your support .the irony of the mental illness I am now left with is sad .the poisonous critic In my head just says I'm an attention seeker for even writing the post yesterday .ile keep up the fight and keep on track.

I hope your well .peace  

PB

[AliG]

Please don't be too hard on yourself ~ treat yourself gently and kindly.

   

Edited December 3, 2017 by AliG

[manymoretodays]

I think you CAN put a lot of the blame on the drug Powerback........if it helps..........  And oh.........I so remember feeling/being what you describe so well.  It gets so ultra intense....all the neuroemotions........sometimes even now.  The good part........it doesn't last as long and isn't quite as intense........and then it's back to W/D normal again.    Give that self hatred part of yourself a mild hug........give it a chair, the most uncomfortable one........it'll get on up, and leave real soon.

 

I used to go back and still do when it's tougher and just try, try to remember..........when it was pretty good, average, or even joyful inducing.........when you had some fun.  Try a color to focus on.......or a picture.........or a piece of music............

 

You've come so far now.......and as we sometimes say..........the real uglies mean healing is really happening now! 

 

Go visit beyond meds and wander around.  I always got a lot of comfort there trying some of her ideas or some of her ideas would help shift me on out.........if even for a few minutes.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and neuroplasticity baby,

 

mmt

 

Edited December 2, 2017 by manymoretodays

[powerback]

9 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

I think you CAN put a lot of the blame on the drug Powerback........if it helps..........  And oh.........I so remember feeling/being what you describe so well.  It gets so ultra intense....all the neuroemotions........sometimes even now.  The good part........it doesn't last as long and isn't quite as intense........and then it's back to W/D normal again.    Give that self hatred part of yourself a mild hug........give it a chair, the most uncomfortable one........it'll get on up, and leave real soon.

 

I used to go back and still do when it's tougher and just try, try to remember..........when it was pretty good, average, or even joyful inducing.........when you had some fun.  Try a color to focus on.......or a picture.........or a piece of music............

 

You've come so far now.......and as we sometimes say..........the real uglies mean healing is really happening now! 

 

Go visit beyond meds and wander around.  I always got a lot of comfort there trying some of her ideas or some of her ideas would help shift me on out.........if even for a few minutes.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and neuroplasticity baby,

 

mmt

 

Hi MMT thanks for your support and kind words ,im fighting so hard ive energy for little else .

I agree about beyond meds but im pretty sure she has deactivated the site for personal reasons .

One of my biggest issues is my living arangements and its far from condusive for healing .

Im back to waking exausted and heavy brain fatigue after busy nights of vivid dreams .

Peace to you and yours and good on you being a mod ,youve got the hearty spirit for it .

PB

[manymoretodays]

https://beyondmeds.com/page/3/

 

Try this link Powerback and hopefully you can browse beyondmeds once again.  Use the top drop down menus there, as well.  The site is just not updated anymore.

 

I wish you much healing/recovery, and possibly change in living arrangements then, for Christmas.

 

I believe you as well, have the hearty spirit for this "&%$$##@**9(insert profanity of your choice)" healing/in recovery too PB.  You do.  You will.  You can.

 

Love and peace and joyful moments,

 

mmt

Edited December 3, 2017 by manymoretodays