Alice1: Lexapro withdrawal

[AliG]

Alice. I have found through this process that the more you "accept" and the less you "freak out" in panic mode the better it will go. This is very much a "learning and growing" experience.

I understand how difficult that seems right now however it is true and I hope that you get to that point which I'm sure you eventually will. The waves do come and go and it's best if you and all of us accept that. It is what it is ! You have to try to roll with that.

 

I know you have the anxiety links: please brush up on them! They will help to get you through!

[Alice1]

I'm thinking of getting this tattooed on my back..

[Happy2Heal]

 

 

your brain is working hard, very soon you are going to see the results of that work

 

you are going to be feeling better than you ever imagined.

 

watch for the little signs of improvement, they are there if you look for them.

 

you will be surprised at how far you have come!!

and more healing is awaiting you.

 

you are doing a great job.

 

[TryingToHoldOn]

Hi,

 

Just checking in.  Hope you're doing ok.

[Alice1]

Hey TTHO

Ive been trying to do as my friends told me . Trying to accept and employing the Claire weekes method .. It doesn't stop WD but ithink I does help somewhat ..

 

Yesterday I had a 6 hour window and I also had my daughter with me .. That never happens . Every time I have a small window shes with her mom .. And I got a really good nights sleep , So that was nice but back in the pit today.... ..  

[TryingToHoldOn]

I'm so glad you were able to spend time with your daughter while you were in a window!  That is great news!!!

 

The next window will come...hold on to that.

[Alice1]

Hi Everyone

just wanted to ask if anybody has heard of scary brain sensations before ..I am getting these strange head pressures that feel almost as if my brain is expanding . Also when I go for my walks at night , if I stop the ground keeps going , like pulls away from me .. Im doing my best to keep calm but I really don't hear anybody describing symptoms like this on here and therefore im getting nervous about it ..Also , im really not doing to great .. im almost at 12 months off and there are some small positives but the symptoms are getting more severe .. Just though id reach out for a dose of hope if anybody's got one to spare tonight .. Hope everybody is doing better ..

[Waiting12]

23 minutes ago, Alice1 said:

 if I stop the ground keeps going , like pulls away from me ..

 

I have this especially mowing lawn. Must be some sort of visual disturbance when we get used to surroundings moving. I think it's normal but takes a wd brain a little extra time to catch up. I hope you turn a big corner soon! 

[LexAnger]

Hi Alice, just want to assure you that you are not alone with the strange head sensation! I had all kinds of strange, very unpleasant head sensation including pressure which is the least strange one to me, as others like brain spasm, twist, tingling, numb, stoned, sandy, flowing, fireworks, and more. I read others having the strange head sensation are most lex users. One day Last year I had a loud gun shot in my head immediately followed by an huge explosion - the most terrifying experience of all.

 

somehow I feel all of those are from the electric mis fire inside our CNS caused by the chaos from the drug. I remember I was so scared every time I had a new symptom of the like then I would get used to it emotionally just enduring it and trying to believe it will be gone some day when The chaos calm down.

 

I know it's heartbreaking to still suffer greatly after a whole year struggling, unfortunately this process usually takes longer than we  would hope. But still healing will happen giving enough time, painfully long time. The success stories we have here are my rescue when I'm in great despar and kept me going.

 

 

This is the process makes everyone of us super strong, much more than what we can ever imagine. You will survive and get your life back!

 

hugs,

lex

[Alice1]

12 MONTH UPDATE .............

 

Well I've made it to 12 months, and man has it been tough .. I NEVER thought i'd be in this situation when I saw my doctor a year ago ..I wish I didn't have to endure this, but I guess I have no choice other than to proceed forward. As hard as it is to do ..I'd like to share with you the positives and negatives ..

 

Negatives ... At 12 months off I thought I would see symptoms improve . This is not the case, although I'm not sure if symptoms are worse or just different enough that they seem worse .. Whatever it is it is extremely discouraging to feel as bad as ever this far out ..

Symptoms .  Akathisia , anxiety , depression , anhedonia , dizziness , head pressures and sensations , panic attacks , DR/DP , hopelessness , SI , ruminations , and this weird severe "dazed and confused " feeling.

 

Positives... There have been more windows the last two months than any other months since all this started (excluding the first 2 months).. These windows range from 1-7 hours long and can be 50-90% in clarity .For instance , I had 10 of these small windows in July and I've had 8 so far in August compared to 5 in June and 5 in May. I am sleeping 6+ hours every night . I am eating well throughout the day (breakfast is forced fed) . I seem to be walking faster than when I stared 4 months ago ( When I started walking I looked sick and was very slow) . I have managed to keep working a small retail job at my best friends jewelry shop 5 hours a day 5 days a week . My family and my friends all say they see improvement ,but I can not feel it at all (except when i'm in a window) . The most important improvement is playing with my daughter . Before any of this started we used to play this cute little wrestling game everyday . Needless to say since WD started we haven't played it at all , BUT this month we have managed to play this game 5 times..   I have little moments of interest in the things I used to be interested in , but it only lasts 10 or 15 minutes at a time, usually in the evening ..

 

So there it is .. I am so confused because I feel at my worst with all my symptoms and feel so hopeless most of the time .I am trying to remain positive but that also has its challenges. I'm practicing acceptance , but right now that's all it is "a practice" .  I am clinging onto hope that maybe improvement is so unnoticeable that you really don't feel it ,but others can see it . I'm very worried because I never had an "acute" withdrawal in the beginning like so many have described , but I have read about some being at their worst at 12 months off and going on to fully recover . I really hope I am one of those people ..

 

 

[Alice1]

Hey Everyone ,

I am in a deep deep wave and was just wondering if I could get some hope if anybody has some to spare ..  I haven't had any of those small windows in two weeks and things are pretty severe .. Everyday is a different symptom set . Its one of those weeks where I feel like I am not going to make it ...TERROR coming at me from all angles ..

[TryingToHoldOn]

There have been reports that a significant change (for the better) that often follows a deep, dark, brutal wave.

 

I hope this is the case for you, friend.  

[DMV64]

"I've been told to meet this recovery half way by doing whatever I can without going overboard. " THANK YOU for that. I am hanging on to it!

[Chicago77]

Hey Alice, 

 

I came across your post and wanted to see if you are still getting nerve/muscle pain. I saw your 12 month post you didn't list it as a symptom, so maybe it's gone for you now? Hopefully it is! I struggle with and it can get so frustrating dealing with chronic pain every day. Hope you are feeling okay today!  

[Alice1]

Hey Chicago

I haven't had the nerve pain or any other pain in a while , but things change day to day with me . Right now I have "electric acid" flowing through my body and mind accompanied with extreme terror and organic fear .Yay :-/   also I get the extreme restlessness so I guess I'm one of the unlucky Akathisia sufferers .  I was making very slow but noticeable progress (meaning I was getting small windows) but this has all stopped since three weeks ago .  However , things seem to change every day/week to something different (always unpleasant) . 

 

Do you Have any of these symptoms I've mentioned ? 

 

 

[Chicago77]

Well that's good you don't have any physical pain anymore! That's an improvement! A lot of my emotional symptoms have improved. However, I definitely get the "dazed and confused" feeling, depressed because I feel like crap, some days I'm not motivated to do anything at all, it's hard for me to concentrate and I also get morning anxiety sometimes right when I wake up. The irrational fear, the OCD and ruminating thoughts have definitely gotten way better this past 8 or 9 months. 

[Alice1]

Im really pleased to hear about your improvements .. Especially in the mental department . Depression hits me ultra hard . Not being able to be connected with my daughter like I used to hurts so bad ..

[Alice1]

Just wanted to post about a symptom to see if anybody can relate .. I have all the normal rapid taper stuff , but everyday from 11 am to 1 pm my anxiety goes straight through the roof .. Now , I know this sounds silly but this anxiety is absolutely crippling . so much so that all my functions slow down to where im literally moving and acting like a 95 year old man .. Its not a body buzzing anxiety either . Its deep inside my brain and the piercing energy gets so strong I feel like im going to have a seizure or something . My head gets light and tigh as well . Then around 1 pm it calms back to normal WD ..This usually only happens while im at work and work doesn't provide a fair amount of distraction anyways , but if I am a little bit distracted I feel a tad bit better .. I mean, im still in hell but im not 100% focused on it ..   Normal Acute ?

 

 

[Blondiee1915]

hi Alice, 

my anxiety is usually worse around 12-2.30 pm .  It has always been like this on medication and being off is much worse .  I am not sure if there is something to do with blood sugar or psychological .   

[DMV64]

My anxiety is always bad in the early afternoon!

[Waiting12]

5 hours ago, DMV64 said:

My anxiety is always bad in the early afternoon!

 

Same. 

[Alice1]

Hi Everybody ,

 

I'm bad . My Akathisia is so severe I cant stand it .  I'm 15 months out and the akathisia started getting more severe about 2 months ago .. Ive read that taking meds for can make it a lot worse and I cant afford it to get any worse ..  Why did akathisia come on so late for me ?  I haven't taken anything in 15 months ..  I feel like my life is in danger .. any advise ? 

[Waiting12]

I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. I still get it at 11 months off too. I copy and pasted a paragraph from a thread called ‘what’s happening in your brain’ on Benzo Buddies. I hope it helps.

 

 

"What about akathisia?
Well  - from the reading, the exact cause of akathisia is not 100% conclusive, but it seems to be related to dopaminergic and/or noradrenergic activity in the brain  (dopamine and norepinephrine or noradrenaline as it is also called). These are just neurotransmitters - and it doesn't look (to me) to be exactly conclusive WHY this happens - but akathisia can happen after the use of many psychoactive drugs- not just benzos - and likely because anything that alters brain chemistry can alter dopemine and norepinephrine. So - okay. That makes sense.  We all took "brain altering" drugs - and now some of us have akathisia.  Guess what?  It seems [...] normal!  It's not fun. But it's normal.  And it can come and go and then go away eventually.  For me, I didn't get akathisia at all until month 8. It was a surprise.  It was intense and awful. But it passed in a few weeks. Since then, I have had it off and on - but not to that degree.  And now - it's mostly just annoying.  Something as simple as a good hard cry in the bathtub can COMPLETELY remove it at times.  And other times, I just have to wait for a wave to pass. But all in all, from all this information - it's normal. And the fact that it's coming and going and I'm getting hit here and there - it's a sign that the wheels are turning up there in the noggin - and things are shifting and attempting to rebalance.  So if we can keep that quote in mind - it's normal - and while the sensation itself is very uncomfortable - if not painful - it can be regarded as a "good pain" if we are able to recognize that our feeling it means we have a brain and nerves that are regaining their abilities to function."

 

Edited November 25, 2017 by ChessieCat
Changed font and removed background colour

[bheb]

4 hours ago, Alice1 said:

I feel like my life is in danger .. any advise ? 

 

Firstly, I have been there and am still there sometimes. If you are having thoughts about harming yourself (akathisia is so so terrible that most people with it do), you need to tell someone close to you, and/or a doctor. Because you will get better, but of course you've got to hang around long enough so that you recover. I seemed to be getting worse akathisia-wise recently, and have seen many ups and downs. I've heard of many people get worse then get better.

 

Edit: do you have any things that help you moment to moment? I know it's hard because there's no magic cure for akathisia (there definitely should be)...personally, I shirk a lot of coping mechanisms because I want that ugly restlessness *gone* not just subdued. And even then, not much can subdue it. But sometimes we have to force ourselves through coping mechanisms just to make the moments pass at the very least. Hot baths work really well for me on occasion. Does exercise help you? Heat? Cold? 

[AliG]

Alice. I'm sorry that you are struggling so hard. How are you feeling now? Have your symptoms eased up slightly?

 

Akathisia can sometimes occur in a window and wave pattern, with no particular rhyme or reason. I still have the occasional episodes, myself. What methods have you tried to ease this symptom?

[Alice1]

it seems like some of the dizzy/dazed and confused feelings have eased up but the akathisia and INTENSE fear and anxiety have ramped up a ton . DR is elevated too .. In the morning im absolutely paralysed with overactive nerves . its painful .. Im in therapy and I continue to get up and out of the house everyday and just try to accept my situation .. Still working and exercising , meditating , and good clean diet ..Im at 15 months off and feel like im going backwards .. I did reduce my ecig useage a lot so maybe that aggravated things  . I don't know ..

[AliG]

Hi Alice. This is an excerpt from someone who has already recovered: it's a very worthwhile read in my opinion.

 

What about akathisia?
Well  - from the reading, the exact cause of akathisia is not 100% conclusive, but it seems to be related to dopaminergic and/or noradrenergic activity in the brain  (dopamine and norepinephrine or noradrenaline as it is also called). These are just neurotransmitters - and it doesn't look (to me) to be exactly conclusive WHY this happens - but akathisia can happen after the use of many psychoactive drugs- not just benzos - and likely because anything that alters brain chemistry can alter dopemine and norepinephrine. So - okay. That makes sense.  We all took "brain altering" drugs - and now some of us have akathisia.  Guess what?  It seems [...] normal!  It's not fun. But it's normal.  And it can come and go and then go away eventually.  For me, I didn't get akathisia at all until month 8. It was a surprise.  It was intense and awful. But it passed in a few weeks. Since then, I have had it off and on - but not to that degree.  And now - it's mostly just annoying.  Something as simple as a good hard cry in the bathtub can COMPLETELY remove it at times.  And other times, I just have to wait for a wave to pass. But all in all, from all this information - it's normal. And the fact that it's coming and going and I'm getting hit here and there - it's a sign that the wheels are turning up there in the noggin - and things are shifting and attempting to rebalance.  So if we can keep that quote in mind - it's normal - and while the sensation itself is very uncomfortable - if not painful - it can be regarded as a "good pain" if we are able to recognize that our feeling it means we have a brain and nerves that are regaining their abilities to function.

 

It is taken from this topic :

 

I find it to be encouraging ~ I hope you do, too. I would urge you to read it in its entirety.

Ali

[Alice1]

Hello everyone ,

 

I am closing in on 16 months off ..  I have all kinds of symptoms still . Some have improved a little but some have worsened ..  My main struggles are Akathisia and Dp/Dr  and Anxiety/Fear .  After researching everything on Akathisia and what to do to help healing I have been consistent with applying everything from good diet to exercise , meditation etc .. I try to continue living my life as normally as much as possible .. Still working my low stress job and doing what needs to be done ( shopping errands) ..  I would like to have more acceptance in place but im working on that ..  However I keep reading about PPI's and what affect they might have ..  I AM CURRENTLY TAKING 10 MG PRILOSEC ..

 

Question ..  Given my circumstances listed above , should I taper off my PPI ?  Im not really worried about rebound acid .. 

 

[TedDykle]

On 11/22/2017 at 9:19 AM, Alice1 said:

Hi Everybody ,

 

I'm bad . My Akathisia is so severe I cant stand it .  I'm 15 months out and the akathisia started getting more severe about 2 months ago .. Ive read that taking meds for can make it a lot worse and I cant afford it to get any worse ..  Why did akathisia come on so late for me ?  I haven't taken anything in 15 months ..  I feel like my life is in danger .. any advise ? 

Alice, I'm right there with you.  The way I experience it is an intense feeling of needing to do stuff with absolutely ZERO motivation to do it.  Quickly followed by self hatred for not doing them.

[Alice1]

Well folks , tomorrow is 16 months completed , and my symptoms are changing by the day .. They are still very intense and bothersome .. Akathisia , both mental and physical are the most prevalent for me .. If there are other symptoms I hardly notice them . I cant understand why this Akathisia started at month 11 when most others start at a much more earlier stage .. I'm so confused . I live my life the best I can . I work my low stress job , then walk for 30 minutes a day , meditate twice a day , eat good , sleep good , and just try to do all the healing things I've learned over the last 16 months .. I really could use some sign of healing , I mean I used to get the half day long windows every third day or so . Those are very rare now .. seems like I get 10 and 20 minute windows once or twice a day now . I honestly can't tell if I've made any progress or not .. I do know that some of the crippling symptoms go away ,and are replaced with different symptoms which seem just as frightening , but a little less painful .. Ive  tapered my PPI from 20 mg to 5 mg in 3 months .. I could swear since then my anxiety and akathisia are way worse , but I'm not blaming it on the PPI . Maybe it is , maybe its not .. I don't know . All I know is that I guess i'm going to have to get used to living in hell. I know of a Vietnam vet who tells a story of how he imagined that he was going to be there forever while the others counted off the days of a 365 day term .. I guess its kind of like that .... At night I am so much more hopeful than the morning .. I do feel the neuroplasticity working as when I was on month 6 I hated to get out of bed and go to work .. I mean I still hate it but its not as dreadful as before .. Meaning , actually being at work in a crazed DR state is now part of a established routine , where as before it was totally foreign .. If these nerves would just start to smooth out a little . Ya know ?

[Alice1]

2 Year Update .

 

Well folks , I've hit the 2 year mark and my withdrawal has changed and morphed just like I was told back when it all started .. A lot has improved and a lot has worsened . Very confusing .. I'll get a set of symptoms that last for 3-4 weeks and then it will change to another set . The only symptoms that are all the time are Akathisia and Anxiety/Terror .. When I say all the time I don't mean 24/7 . I experience Akathisia and Anxiety everyday but not all day constantly . It seem to have a 3-4 hour period per day that it ramps up to severe levels , and those periods themselves change and fluctuate .

 

Still going to work everyday ( 5.5 hours a day ) , and pick up my daughter at school afterwards .  Maintaining a good diet , walking 30-40 minutes a day , Neural retraining exercises , and meditation ( although I've backed off meditation a little , mostly because It triggers a spike in symptoms) . I've been forcing myself back into some hobby type stuff recently as well ..

 

I did manage to quit my vaping habit , as well as my PPI , and do believe those two actions set me back a little  , but the "what if's" were just too much to live with .. Currently I take nothing , nothing at all . Not even aspirin.

 

Weekends are worse for me . I think because I sleep in and the extra sleep makes me feel worse .. That's the only thing I can come up with . However , about 85% of my evenings are windowish . Not all but most . 

 

After reading all the stuff on here , and researching it all over the web , I've concluded that I'm right where I'm supposed to be . The number one thing I work on is accepting that this could very well take 5-10 years to fully recover from , and just live my life to the fullest while coping and helping things along the best I can ..

[jozeff]

Hello Alice, Just read your story. I'm pretty new here. Im on citalopram myself. Tapered from 25 to 16.5 mg in 85 days. Then had a bit of a crash so I stayed at 16.5 for 5 weeks and upped to 18 since 2 weeks to counteract WD.

 

I'm having a lot of symptoms but sadness and nervousness are the worst.

 

You tapered in a 6 week period. That must have awful to live like this for 1.5 year now. 

 

I'm glad to read that you're doing better and better. It's a long road and it's absolutely ridiculous that doctors prescribe this stuff and advise you to taper in 6 weeks.

 

I have a 6year old boy and sometimes it's pretty hard to set my symptoms aside and be a normal daddy....

 

I hope you will recover quickly and will feel much better soon!!

 

Jozeff

[bheb]

Hey Alice -- so sorry akathisia and terror are still following you around. I'm in a similar position where I have agitation and akathisia everyday, but at different levels. 

 

It's good that you're at peace with your progress and place in time. After you learn to survive a year of this, 5-10 years doesn't sound too bad. It will all be worth it. 

[Alice1]

6 hours ago, jozeff said:

 

I have a 6year old boy and sometimes it's pretty hard to set my symptoms aside and be a normal daddy....

I understand completely . My daughter is my anchor , my reason to endure , to survive, but it hurts when I'm not able to be her super daddy like before. Last week she said I'm her super daddy no matter what .. She's a tough little girl .

Thank You for your words ..

1 hour ago, bheb said:

 

It's good that you're at peace with your progress and place in time. After you learn to survive a year of this, 5-10 years doesn't sound too bad.

Actually , I'm still in learning mode on this.. I'm trying to accept that this is a long long road . The last thing I want to do is think I'll be better in a couple months , and have it not happen . Then what ?  You know ? I guess it could happen , and I definitely want to be optimistic and positive , so I'll entertain it to a degree , but let's get real here . Everything I've read says "years" for FULL recovery. Then the original condition, and ptsd stuff (if any) have to be dealt with ..My anxiety therapist said 2-3 years recovery from regular anxiety ( non wd ) if I do everything right . So I figure it's best to learn to live sick , but it's hard . Thank You for your words bheb..

[bheb]

On 8/26/2018 at 9:50 PM, Alice1 said:

Actually , I'm still in learning mode on this

 

I feel that completely. As soon as I feel like I can cope and accept everything, I'll hit a spiral where I believe I cannot endure a second longer of this torment. I mean, honestly, a minute is way too long of akathisia -- there is no truly getting used to it (only coping and distracting, I've found). It is really hard to learn to live sick, especially when you get bummed out thinking about the injustice of it all...but I'm trying to keep those resentments at bay and focus on other things. Doesn't always work, but I'm trying.

[Godiswithme]

On 8/26/2018 at 9:50 PM, Alice1 said:

I understand completely . My daughter is my anchor , my reason to endure , to survive, but it hurts when I'm not able to be her super daddy like before. Last week she said I'm her super daddy no matter what .. She's a tough little girl .

Thank You for your words ..

Actually , I'm still in learning mode on this.. I'm trying to accept that this is a long long road . The last thing I want to do is think I'll be better in a couple months , and have it not happen . Then what ?  You know ? I guess it could happen , and I definitely want to be optimistic and positive , so I'll entertain it to a degree , but let's get real here . Everything I've read says "years" for FULL recovery. Then the original condition, and ptsd stuff (if any) have to be dealt with ..My anxiety therapist said 2-3 years recovery from regular anxiety ( non wd ) if I do everything right . So I figure it's best to learn to live sick , but it's hard . Thank You for your words bheb..

Hello Alice1. I just read your entire thread. The terror and extreme anxiety you describe are the same as what I experienced during the four months I was off of Lexapro. I was on 30mg for 2 years along 2 mg of Abilify ugh! for 8 mos. I C/T’d both. I slowly reinstated 15mg of Lexapro 4 months later because I felt my life was in danger. 

You are SO Strong! I am filled with admiration for you! Please, please update us with your progress!