ShakeyJerr: Say hello

[O2bhappy]

ShakeyJerr-

 

Hang in there.  I have experienced the crying and it's best to let it happen.  I would have bouts where I would have uncontrollable crying and I couldn't stop.  I have read on this forum that crying is healing.  It may not seem like that when it is happening. 

 

I hope you have a better evening tonight and you are able to enjoy time with your family.

[ShakeyJerr]

Been a few days since I checked in. I'm trying to put myself in a frame of "just living life" mode - sort of a fake it until you make it thing. I also had a BIG revelation that the withdrawal syndrome was becoming my identity, that I was wearing it as a badge of sorts and saying "hey, look at me and my tragedy." So I'm trying to change my identity into "the guy that God created me to be, and He's getting me through my trials and fires" guy.

 

But hey - the symptoms are still here and the pattern is pretty much unbroken - broken sleep, anxiety that begins anywhere between 2am and 5am, morning terrors, obsessive thoughts, tremors, back pain... And then that evening window for a couple of hours where I almost feel normal.

 

So do please keep praying for me and pulling for me.

 

I pray for all of you every day!

 

We will heal! We are healing!

 

SJ

[ShakeyJerr]

Let's label this Triumph and Tragedy...

 

Had a very busy weekend. Too busy, but unavoidable.

 

Saturday was chock-full of chores and errands that had to get done. Everything did get done, and I was able to show myself that yes, I can go to the store despite the anxiety and get through just fine. Triumph! Praise God!

 

Sadly, I then had a bad anxiety and depression afternoon where I ended up in a big crying jag in front of my wife and young daughter. I even blamed God for letting this medical tragedy happen to me. My daughter hugged me while my wife held my hand. I then apologized to God. But let's call that a Tragedy.

 

Sunday, my son graduated from college. So we had the long drive (over an hour) to the event (my wife drove because we figured it would not be a good idea for me to have that responsibility given the potential stress of the day). Then there was seeing the ex-wife (our relationship is cordial, but the withdrawal syndrome decided to bring up bad memories and remorseful feelings anyway). Then the sitting through the noisy ceremony (which lasted thankfully just a bit over 2 hours - I expected longer). Then lunch out. Crowds, Then Errands.

 

And yet, my symptoms were at the lowest level they have been at in months! Oh, they were still there, but it was a definite roll-back. Triumph! Praise God!

 

Unfortunately, I got a large anxiety bounce-back in the evening. Tragedy.

 

And today, after waking up, I went from low anxiety to sheer terror in less than 30-minutes. Tragedy.

 

Now I am at work, but the terror is still shaking me. Tragedy.

 

I'm working my tools, and getting some relief. But not as much as one would hope.

 

I hate this bio-chemical nightmare. I want to live a triumphant life. I want to heal and be all that God created me to be. Dear Jesus, please heal me!

 

SJ

[doggiemama]

Oh how I feel your pain I'm so understand how you feel. At one stage I had a really hard time with my faith because I can't feel love . I know I do love GOD and family but just can't feel it. All we can do is pray . I plead the blood of Jesus many times a day I will pray for you and your family GOD BLESS

[ShakeyJerr]

Oh how I feel your pain I'm so understand how you feel. At one stage I had a really hard time with my faith because I can't feel love . I know I do love GOD and family but just can't feel it. All we can do is pray . I plead the blood of Jesus many times a day I will pray for you and your family GOD BLESS

 

Thank you so much! 

[ShakeyJerr]

Low symptom day yesterday - praise God!

 

And slept until almost 4am!

 

But I am having the jitters this morning - living up to the "Shakey" in my name. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin... Very restless. Going to try sipping Magnesium and Theanine mixed in water throughout the morning, to see if it calms me (I did it yesterday, and I'm thinking it contributed to my low symptom day).

 

SJ

[ShakeyJerr]

I have slipped into a self-recrimination loop. Blaming myself for all of the harm I have done people, my loved ones. Yes, I am responsible for the things I did. I cannot place the blame on the medication and my upbringing. I did the bad behavior. I started taking the meds. I chose not to allow God to break the chains of my past.

 

Crap.

 

Help me break the loop guys!

 

SJ

[doggiemama]

Remember GOD has forgiven you . Try to say to yourself every day ( I am forgive by my almighty GOD) We all carry guilt around and what is done is done just try and give what you have as a human being. When I'm really in a wave it becomes far harder to stop the circle of worry. You will get there stay strong

[ShakeyJerr]

Remember GOD has forgiven you . Try to say to yourself every day ( I am forgive by my almighty GOD) We all carry guilt around and what is done is done just try and give what you have as a human being. When I'm really in a wave it becomes far harder to stop the circle of worry. You will get there stay strong

 

Thank you so much! Support and reminders are so important during the waves!

 

SJ

[AprilShowers]

Remember ShakeJerr that the feelings aren't entirely coming from your thoughts and actions. Your body chemistry is in a whirr and your thoughts and emotions will follow. To me, you are truly achieving a lot given what you're going through. Remember that. 

[ShakeyJerr]

Remember ShakeJerr that the feelings aren't entirely coming from your thoughts and actions. Your body chemistry is in a whirr and your thoughts and emotions will follow. To me, you are truly achieving a lot given what you're going through. Remember that. 

 

Thanks for the kind words and important reminder!

 

I was just having a thought about how the medical community and big pharma want to say "oh, you guys are just relapsing." That is such BS. These symptoms do not bear any resemblance to any depression or anxiety any of us had before. And the physical symptoms! OMG - my body has experienced some unique pains and other oddities that have zero to do with any sort of depression or anxiety.

 

And on that note - it's off to lay down on the heating pad to get some relief from the adrenal fatigue back pain.

 

SJ

[DrugfreeProf]

Shakey, just to reassure you, obsessive negative rumination in which people perceive themselves as the worst person in the world is quite common in withdrawal. And it is indeed a physiological phenomenon quite different from typical "mental health" obsessiveness.

[ShakeyJerr]

Shakey, just to reassure you, obsessive negative rumination in which people perceive themselves as the worst person in the world is quite common in withdrawal. And it is indeed a physiological phenomenon quite different from typical "mental health" obsessiveness.

 

Thanks, DrugFree Prof! Reassurance is a powerful tool against self-negativity!

 

SJ

[ShakeyJerr]

Not as low a symptom day as the last 3. Anxiety was a bit higher.

 

And something strange happened.

 

I actually dozed off for a nap. Not long, maybe 30 minutes. I have not been able to nap since withdrawal began, despite the need.

 

But after waking up, I find myself a little bit restless. Not "manic" but a tiny bit hyper inside. Could it be a second cortisol dump? Like my body got fooled into thinking it's morning again?

 

Anybody ever experience something like this?

 

SJ
 

[TikkiTikki]

Hi Shakey,

 

So sorry you're feeling so awful.

 

Quick question - you said you tapered over a year, but have also said you did it quickly. How long was it from go to whoah? 

 

I know a year is fast by SA standards, but it's still not that fast.

[ShakeyJerr]

Hi Shakey,

 

So sorry you're feeling so awful.

 

Quick question - you said you tapered over a year, but have also said you did it quickly. How long was it from go to whoah? 

 

I know a year is fast by SA standards, but it's still not that fast.

 

I was able to get past the bit of hyper/manic. My wife told me to stop analyzing things - to stop trying to figure out the what and why I was feeling that way, and instead to go for a prayer walk. It helped immensely, and I was able to have my regular evening window.

 

My taper was done completely incorrectly. I simply just started taking half doses. I was on 75mg of effexor 3 times a day. I simply went down to 2 a day, then 1 a day, then 1 every other day. So a taper technically, but closer to cold turkey. And I was also on Seroquel, which I just cold turkey-ed.

 

That's me - a complete turkey!

 

SJ

[Survivor1]

 

 

That's me - a complete turkey!

 

SJ

 

 

SJ, I laughed when I read that, but no you are not a turkey. Just uninformed as most of us on this forum are/were.  Wish you speedy healing.

[powerback]

We all have a tendency to over-analyze what's going on, especially when we try something different in our routine. For instance, last night i started taking 500mg of Vitamin C. Today my anxiety is a bit higher than it has been the past week. Could be related. Might just also be that I have been off of work for 5 days now and am having trouble keeping myself occupied.

 

... (I figured I was safe starting the Vitamin C last night because I was off today - in either case, I'm going to take it again tonight; I'm tired of jumping at shadows, and Vitamin C is supposed to be key to helping heal adrenal fatigue).

hi SJ ,it was a funny kind of day yesterday ,anxiety is very high and constant lately so the mind is on non stop overdrive . I spent 3 hours listening to carl young ,he's got amazing insight into the human condition .is it not better to take vitamin c earlier in the day ?.

ile second the shadows such a pain.

Edited May 29, 2017 by scallywag
added quote of relevant post and moved from Magnesium topic

[ShakeyJerr]

I had not heard of the "earlier in the day" thing for Vitamin C. I will have to look into it.

 

I'm sorry you re in such a high anxiety wave. Remember, float through the waves - do not fight them.

 

SJ

Edited May 29, 2017 by scallywag
moved from Magnesium topic

[powerback]

I had not heard of the "earlier in the day" thing for Vitamin C. I will have to look into it.

 

I'm sorry you re in such a high anxiety wave. Remember, float through the waves - do not fight them.

 

SJ

 

thanks SJ ,its constant and very stressed ,my adrenals must be getting a bashing ,I must get it looked at ,blood test ide say ?

[ShakeyJerr]

Bad day. Having trouble coping with life's little monkey wrenches - appointment changes, computer glitches.

 

SJ

[ShakeyJerr]

Frelling neuro-fear!

 

I had a great day this past Saturday. Sunday was okay but had two waves of depression and self-recrimination. Monday (yesterday) was rough in the morning but okay in the afternoon. Then last night my wife brought up something seemingly innocent from her perspective, but it triggered neuro-fear in me. 

 

And now today, the devil is using that opening to wave the heck out of me with fear! I hate the devil - and I hate withdrawal - and I hate this bad body chemistry!

 

I really want to sue somebody these past few days! And that is not neuro-anger. That's me wanting justice for all of us over the fact that these drug companies knew for decades they were peddling poison.

 

Dear Lord God - please help me to feel Your precious, infinite capacity to calm Your children and give us peace. You are the God of all creation, and it is is within Your power to heal those of us struggling through this nightmare -- completely, miraculously, and instantaneously. I do thank You for the blessings that You have woven through this experience for me. You have brought me a clarity about my past that I would not have had otherwise, and a desire to be a new person -- one dedicated to loving others the way You love us. But I am in sore need of relief. These windows and waves are crushing my spirit. Please, in the name of Jesus, heal me, free me, and show me Your plans for me -- plans for my good welfare, to give me a hope and a future. Holy Spirit, take up guard around my heart and mind with the peace that surpasses all understanding. In Jesus' Holy, freeing, loving, powerful name I pray! Amen!

 

SJ

[Blondiee1915]

Hi Jerry - it will be okay . Remember to breathe and that nothing is permanent . Remember a good day you had on Saturday . This will pass . Stay strong and believe you will be better

[ShakeyJerr]

Hi Jerry - it will be okay . Remember to breathe and that nothing is permanent . Remember a good day you had on Saturday . This will pass . Stay strong and believe you will be better

 

Thanks, B!

 

I'm actually rapid cycling today - and the only "triggers" are just regular life stuff. These darn meds have stolen from me the ability to be normal.

 

SJ

[ShakeyJerr]

Bad couple of days - anxiety, depression, back pain. Then last night, my back pain got too unbearable. Couple that with a bad attitude, and I took 2 Tylenol instead of 1. Woke up with full-blown tremors and chills and neuro-anxiety. Haven't had tremors and chills in a while like this.

Just from having a second Tylenol? Come on! Give me a break!

It's really bad. Going to miss work. Fortunately, I have an understanding boss. And because I just do 3 days a week, I can swap the day for tomorrow.

But 2 Tylenol affects my CNS like this?!?!?! 

SJ

[ShakeyJerr]

Yesterday was a very hard day. And today is off to a bad start. It was/is probably triggered by 2 things:

 

1 - My wife wants to take her and our daughter away for a week's vacation this summer. Actually, I am invited to go too. But we have a very old, sick cat who has exacting requirements, and I am afraid to board her for a week (plus, that is expensive!). So I am in fear of being alone for a week. I don't have anybody who can come and take care of the cat twice a day, and nobody who can come and stay with me for the week.

 

2 - My back has been killing me. Heating pad no longer brings any relief. Several days ago, I took 1 Tylenol. Got some relief and no bad effects. So then Tuesday night I decided to take 2 Tylenol. I did this because I am an idiot. I did it because I was angry about the potential being alone situation, and because I was prideful that I deserved to be free of the pain and that I was a big boy and could handle 2 Tylenol. I then proceeded to have a rough night's sleep and woke to extreme terror. I had very bad tremors, and even that stupid "cold body" thing came back. Spent most of the day in terror. Could not gather my thoughts at times. And my back still hurt!

 

I slept better last night, but woke to racing thoughts. I have been trying to pray them away. But I am now at work, and the anxiety/terror is rising! And my back is killing me! It usually doesn't start until the afternoon!

 

I'm ready to quit and go back on the meds. Which I know is a mistake. But I want my mind and body back!

 

(Yes, I realize that on the meds, my mind and body were not mine either - such is the irrational thinking of neuro-emotions.)

 

SJ

 

[AliG]

SJ. When exactly did you quit? It sounds like it has been about 6 months. Although we recommend under 3 months for reinstatement have you contemplated a very small RI of perhaps  0.5 - 1 mg of Effexor to start with? If you are struggling so hard and contemplating going back on then perhaps a trial run is warranted and then if there are problems - you can stop immediately.

  About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

 

Some members have successfully reinstated after more time than is recommended.I was 9 months out and nervous about reinstating so I kept going and I'm 3 years out now. 

[ShakeyJerr]

We're pretty determined not to reinstate. Being on the meds was hell for me and my whole family. Plus, my wife and I have a fear - a real fear, not a neuro-fear - of potential suicide in a reinstatement. I had many suicidal ideations on the meds, and we have a family member who committed suicide shortly after he started meds.

 

I get the/vent the "maybe I should go back on" during terror attacks. It's a hold-over of bad thinking/trick of the devil/neuro-emotion for me.

 

I have actually made great progress over the past month. But when a wave hits, very bad thinking sets in.

 

SJ

 

[AliG]

I'm ready to quit and go back on the meds. Which I know is a mistake. But I want my mind and body back!  

 

It's ok  - I get it. I hope it goes well from here on.I understand the thinking.     

Edited June 9, 2017 by AliG

[ShakeyJerr]

11 hours ago, AliG said:

I'm ready to quit and go back on the meds. Which I know is a mistake. But I want my mind and body back!  .

 

It's ok  - I get it. I hope it goes well from here on.I understand the thinking.     

1

 

Yeah - I do have a tendency to make these dramatic statements when in the grip of neuro-emotions. Especially when a sudden spike hits after a day or two or more of generally low symptoms. I am a wimp when it comes to pain - both physical and emotional. But from what I gather from what I have read on these boards and around the net is that once withdrawal is over, I'll be better at handling both.

 

SJ

 

Edited June 9, 2017 by AliG

[Blondiee1915]

Hi SJ - 

 

Thank you for stopping by my thread earlier today.  

 

1.  I completely understand the fear of being alone.  That is one of my greatest fears.  So there is no way for the cat to come with on a trip?  Boarding is expensive I agree.  I have a small dog and I boarded her a few times.  What about asking neighbors for help or your wife's friends?  I would say maybe post pone the trip, but I am sure you daughter would love to get away and have some fun so that is not fair to her.  It is a tricky situation.  But I feel like it could be good for you to go if you can only find someone to help with the kitty

 

2. This might not help, but have you tried to put a pillow in between your knees/legs when you sleep?  Or even a rolled Mexican style blanket?  Anything of that nature to take some pressure of your spine.  When I have back pain and cannot sleep I put a pillow in between my knees and it does help a bit.  

 

You are a man of faith and prayer is so powerful.  Remember that during difficult times.  As I drove home from work today and broke down in tears I prayed too. It was good to know I am not alone and I do have someone to watch over me and protect me and things will be okay 

 

B

[ShakeyJerr]

Well, that was weird... I wrote a big reply to you, B - but it all went away when I click "submit..."

 

Not re-typing it.

 

The short of it is - 

 

Prayer is a great sustainer. And I do a lot of crying out to God while driving too!

 

We don't have anybody who lives close by who can come twice a day to take care of the cat. Because of her diabetes, she pees a lot so her box needs to be cleaned twice a day. And we have to feed her only wet food, again, twice a day.

 

And I'll try the pillow thing.

 

SJ

[ShakeyJerr]

I have seen it suggested on some other people's posts that we stop calling what we are going through "withdrawal," and instead call it "recovery" - at least when to talking to each other and during self-talk. I can see the positive aspect of doing this. Language is powerful and important!

 

SJ

[ShakeyJerr]

So, I have really bad eyes. And they usually get worse every year.

 

In 2016, while I was in my (too fast) taper from the ADs, I ended up not needing new glasses; my eyes only got slightly worse.

 

Today I had an eye exam. I have been noticing trouble reading - and also getting eye fatigue early in the day - over the past couple of months. I indeed do need new glasses. But not because my eyes have gotten worse, but because they have gotten better! I asked the eye doc if it could have something to do with being off of the ADs for 5 months now. He would not give a definitive yes - because some people's eyes do suddenly improve in their 50s - but yes indeed, it is possible that my vision is now changing in the different direction.

 

No, I'm not going to ever be glasses free. I've worn them since I was 12, and I'm as near-sighted as Mr. Magoo. But still... vision improving off of the ADs... Go figure!

 

Next up - in a few weeks I'm having blood work done. Wonder if my sugar and lipid numbers will improve. Sure, that will have a lot to do with dietary changes and weight loss if they do - but anecdotal info suggests that because ADs do increase blood sugar and lipid levels, that getting off of them improves the numbers in a level better that diet and weight loss might.

 

So remember - we are not in withdrawal - we are in recovery!

 

SJ

[ShakeyJerr]

Checking in...

So, I've had some improvements - praise God! My morning anxiety is lower, I've been able to run errands and show myself that the world is an okay place for me to be, I have been participating in family things, and I generally have a better outlook. I do still have that background anxiety with me most of the time, like a stalker who is waiting to strike (and he does - I do still get un-triggered anxiety/terror spikes and crying jags). Also, my back is still killing me, primarily in the adrenal fatigue-presenting spots, but I am trying not to let that curtail my activities.

 

However... A new symptom has reared its head over the past 2 days: afternoon jitters bordering on low-level hyper/manic. Breathing my way through it does not seem to calm it. I'm wondering if it is being triggered by 1 of 2 (or both) things - my adding a second 250mg of Vitamin C (though I take that at 5pm, so I don;t see how it is causing jitters at 1pm) or the fact that the sun is really shining here these days so it is much sunnier during my morning walk.

 

It is more likely just part of the healing process. My theory is that my synapses are upregulating/re-growing, but perhaps I still don;t have enough of the proper neurotransmitter mix to feed them. After all, I was on Effexor - which effects serotonin and norepinephrine - and Seroquel - which effects dopamine. It could just be that I am still running a noticeable deficit.

 

Whatever the case, let's take this an an overall win!

 

SJ

[ShakeyJerr]

Another checking in...

 

Had a really good day yesterday! Praise God for the window! And today is actually okay too. Some early morning anxiety reared its head - I think triggered by a change in my family's normal morning routine (boy, better learn to handle that - during the summer, the routine pretty much does not exist and randomness reigns!). Walked and prayed it off.

 

But boy, adrenal fatigue is kicking my butt today. Like I said, I was feeling good last night and stupidly skipped my evening adrenal refresh beverage (this actually reveals another problem I have, namely the pride that comes rushing in when things are going fine that says "see, you're fine, you don;t need to do x, y, or z.").

 

So now today I am very tired (but of course unable to nap), and my back, hips, and knees are killing me (little known symptoms of adrenal fatigue, so if you have this type of pain, do some research into the subject). Sadly, there's not much I can do but eat lots of healthy foods and pray that it passes quickly.

 

Take care everybody!

 

SJ