pug Your miracle is coming, hang on!

[gigi63]

Pug, I am with the others, the analogy you painted of the waterfall is beautiful and really says it!!!!  Thank you!!!

[OnlyRun]

What a fantastic post! Amazing.. When you started to list the symptoms I was crying laughing, all these head sensation and body tension all of this I have it myself and reading you also had ths really tipped me over  Like probably everyone else in this forum I would not know where to start even with all the symptoms. But seeing that you had such severe wd syndrome and made it out makes me feel real good. Lately Ive been getting new symptoms wile other symptoms have basicly gone away. 

 

Hell is the only way to describe it since it last so long. Its like a really bad hangover from a night out drinking to much but its way worse and its lasting for ******* years.

 

Thanks again.

[gloworm]

Pug, Did you have rage ? 

[RachelSusan]

Pug,

Thank you for writing your story.  It has given me so much hope.  Also thank you for listing your symptoms.  It helps to look through the list and say yes it is WD, and like you said, not think it is some other health problem.

Many many thanks and best wishes for a happy and healthy life,

Rachel

[gigi63]

Hello Pug, thank you again for answering our questions. I have another, Pug, I have a lot of pain. The pain is like what I might think fibromyalgia would feel like.  I've never had it prior to WD.  It has seemed to intensify during these later months. I am nearly 18 mos into a small RI from a dramatic crash after a 10 mos too fast taper.  My muscles ache a lot. The intensity does increase and decrease on any given day, it has been going on for several months.  Mostly my upper arms, shoulders, and upper back, thighs and calves.  I also can have nerve pain. I know you struggled with this, do you still or has it improved or gone?  Also, how do you moderate exercise with all this pain?  I just keep walking.  I usually walk a couple of miles 4-5 days s week.  Thanks, Gigi.  

[MaryDavid]

Hi Pug, great encouragement, thank you.

Im on my 26th month of cold turkey withdrawal and the obsessive, irrational thoughts are coming on really strong.  I thought they would have been less intense by now.  No matter how i try to tell myself they are not real, they keep coming back.  Its unbelievable the way my mind has been working.  For one reason or another I have a big dislike for people I used to call friends and other random people.  I feel such intense negativity towards them.  I get so angry over little things.  I just dont want to engage with people.  Certain noise and sound irritates me and certain types of light. Intense rage too.  Its just so relentless.   

 

My question for you Pug is, did you wake up one day and realise that something had changed?  Did your obsessive, irrational thoughts just go away on their own one day and did you ever try to re-think them and get a reaction? to find that they had gone gone gone.  Would love to hear from you on this.

[Bridgetini]

Pug, thank you so much for sharing your recovery story, and for taking the time to respond to each individual query.

I am tapering off one of three long-term meds and I do get frustrated at the length of time it is going to take to get off all three and recover in mind and body.

I guess it is a matter of sticking it out and eventually I will get there. 

Thank you, you are an inspiration. 

[staystrong]

hey pug, i am so glad you are now feeling normal. were you ever bedbound? did you actually work through those hellish years?? I am  4!/2 months out from a CT after 20yrs. on multiple AD's. I am now recovering from gabapentin Wd which my doc put me on in aug. and which i CT oct.24th as i could not tolerate the sdx. so i suppose that set me back a lot. 

 

i am so happy for you but feeling those brutal emotions for 2 ans1/2 years is unimaginable to me. did you have any kind of life because right now i have none. just bedbound, numb, depressed, anxious, flat, agoraphobic, anhedonic and waiting to die.

 

2 1/2 years is insane.  it must have damaged your relationships. i know it has damaged mine. could you travel, socialize, work-out, do anything positive??? because with those emotions you experienced i wonder how that could be possible.

 

i am happy for you that you reached the end. but i am finding the journey intolerable. i have always been ultra-sensitive and have always suffered from bouts of depression. the AD's worked until they didn't (long story)......and now i am left like this.......godspeed and god bless...........

[RealMe]

Dear Pug, I am obsessing and fearful due to tinnitus on top of my other depressive symptoms.  Do you have any advice about how to cope with tinnitus?  I have been severely depressed about this.  I developed cervical dystonia and had to withdraw from abilify and trintillex which had been helping me.  Now I am on Prozac 10 mg., but I am suffering.  I enjoyed reading about your success.

 

[pug]

On 10/2/2017 at 11:26 AM, gloworm said:

Pug, Did you have rage ? 

Hello,

Yes, I did have rage and all of the wildly changing emotions that we all must deal with during recovery.  My temper could be white-hot and a huge over reaction to the situation, followed by crying and remorse.  Of course this was actually an improvement over having no emotions and feeling like a zombie.  But it was incredibly hard to deal with the emotions that had a mind of their own and I never quite knew which emotion would show up at any given moment.  I worked as hard as I could to remain neutral and non-reactive, and above all I would only open my mouth to speak as little as possible.  People may have thought I was cold, aloof, or ignoring them, but I accepted that rather than say things that were hurtful or incoherent.

 

It has been a long road but my emotions are better and have continued to improve, and I still practice reacting and speaking in a slow or delayed manner so I don’t say something I will regret.  I figure that I can always say something at a later time if it needs said, but only after I have contemplated what and how to say it, and if it really needs to be said at all.

I hope that you are getting some relief with your emotions and symptoms.

 

Pug
 

[pug]

On 10/8/2017 at 12:02 PM, RachelSusan said:

Pug,

Thank you for writing your story.  It has given me so much hope.  Also thank you for listing your symptoms.  It helps to look through the list and say yes it is WD, and like you said, not think it is some other health problem.

Many many thanks and best wishes for a happy and healthy life,

Rachel

Hello,

I am glad that you have gotten something out of my story, and I appreciate you letting me know.  I sincerely hope that you are seeing some improvements and gaining some hope from the knowledge that you are healing.  It is very hard to believe that we will heal when we are suffering so profoundly, but I have seen it happen within myself and hold that same hope of recovery for you and all that are here.

All my best.

Pug
 

[RachelSusan]

Thank you Pug.

 

[pug]

On 10/12/2017 at 7:07 PM, gigi63 said:

Hello Pug, thank you again for answering our questions. I have another, Pug, I have a lot of pain. The pain is like what I might think fibromyalgia would feel like.  I've never had it prior to WD.  It has seemed to intensify during these later months. I am nearly 18 mos into a small RI from a dramatic crash after a 10 mos too fast taper.  My muscles ache a lot. The intensity does increase and decrease on any given day, it has been going on for several months.  Mostly my upper arms, shoulders, and upper back, thighs and calves.  I also can have nerve pain. I know you struggled with this, do you still or has it improved or gone?  Also, how do you moderate exercise with all this pain?  I just keep walking.  I usually walk a couple of miles 4-5 days s week.  Thanks, Gigi.  

Hello,

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering with the painful symptoms; they can be overwhelming and frightening.  I do still have the nerve and muscle pain, although it has improved over time.  It can still be intense but I am having more and more hours during the day when it is very mild or gone completely.  I know that there have been many times when I was sure that I was suffering from some dreaded disease, and early on I went to different doctors seeking help and answers.  They did consultations and tests, but in the end they had little to offer other than to suggest trying different medications, which I was not willing to do.

My thinking was that all of the pain started after stopping the medication that I was on, along with all the other symptoms that began to appear, so there had to be a connection between stopping the meds and the pain starting.  I was willing to take my chances that it was withdrawal that was the culprit and I accepted the consequences if I was wrong.  I just felt like adding more medications was like adding fuel to the fire and I just could not chance that.  Everyone has to decide for themselves what is right for them and whether to consult with doctors and whether to try different treatments.  I chose to accept the pain as a withdrawal symptom that would eventually get better and one day go away.  I read many success stories which said that this happened for them, and I held on to those stories and believed that it could happen for me also.

Exercising when dealing with the pain has been difficult and challenging.  I do what I can, pull back when needed, and also gut it out and just accept the pain at times.  I am stubborn and don’t like to give in, so I will at times accept a certain level of pain so that I can continue to exercise.  This is my way and certainly not for everyone; you know yourself best and need to decide what is reasonable for you.  But I do feel that any exercise a person can manage is beneficial to recovery.

I hope that you are seeing some improvements.

pug
 

[pug]

On 10/24/2017 at 9:31 AM, MaryDavid said:

Hi Pug, great encouragement, thank you.

Im on my 26th month of cold turkey withdrawal and the obsessive, irrational thoughts are coming on really strong.  I thought they would have been less intense by now.  No matter how i try to tell myself they are not real, they keep coming back.  Its unbelievable the way my mind has been working.  For one reason or another I have a big dislike for people I used to call friends and other random people.  I feel such intense negativity towards them.  I get so angry over little things.  I just dont want to engage with people.  Certain noise and sound irritates me and certain types of light. Intense rage too.  Its just so relentless.   

 

My question for you Pug is, did you wake up one day and realise that something had changed?  Did your obsessive, irrational thoughts just go away on their own one day and did you ever try to re-think them and get a reaction? to find that they had gone gone gone.  Would love to hear from you on this.

Hello,

The obsessive and irrational thoughts are like torture, and I am sorry you are having to go through these terrible symptoms.  I can relate to what you are describing and it is miserable and scary to observe it happening to oneself.  For me there was no sudden, major shifts, it was a gradual and at times imperceptible improvement.  It would just occur to me that I didn’t feel quite as bad, or that my thoughts were not quite as intense as I recalled them being.  Of course it could all change quickly and I could then be sent right back to the same terrible symptoms and it would seem like it never happened.  That is why I encourage everyone to keep a journal and make a few notes each day.  I would look back and see my notes that on a certain day for a time I was not suffering quite as intensely and it would remind me that even though I was feeling terrible at the time, I had felt better previously and all I needed to do was hold on and the improvements would come back after a time.  So far that has been true for me.

You ask if I ever try to “re-think” them to verify that they are gone.  Well, it is very hard to explain how the change occurs, because at least for me it was so gradual that I could hardly tell.  The obsessive, compulsive, irrational thoughts came and tortured me day after day and then at some time I noticed they did not seem quite as intense; and then back to more torture again.  Back and forth, back and forth in a slow healing process.  There was no really turning point of sudden improvement, it has been painfully slow and gradual to get where I am now; which is mostly being done with them other than occasional reminders that come and go quickly.  Just this moment I tried to “re-think” them to see if I could answer your question, and I am happy to report that it is just not possible.  It is like trying to recreate the terror and fear that use to overwhelm me, I can’t recreate it, I can just remember what it was like; the same with the obsessive, compulsive and irrational thoughts.  So hang in there and keep going, there is hope!

I hope that you are getting some relief and evidence of your healing.

pug

 

[pug]

On 10/24/2017 at 2:42 PM, Bridgetini said:

Pug, thank you so much for sharing your recovery story, and for taking the time to respond to each individual query.

I am tapering off one of three long-term meds and I do get frustrated at the length of time it is going to take to get off all three and recover in mind and body.

I guess it is a matter of sticking it out and eventually I will get there. 

Thank you, you are an inspiration. 

Hello,

I understand completely the frustration that you are going through; this is a marathon and not a sprint.  But everyone is different so don’t set yourself up with thoughts of the worst possible scenarios.  You could be one of those who heal more quickly, you just never know.  Regardless of your recovery path, given time I believe that we will all heal and get better, and that it is a journey worth taking to get back to a place of health, wellbeing, and wholeness.  So keep going!

Wishing you continued healing.

pug
 

[pug]

On 11/5/2017 at 2:39 PM, staystrong said:

hey pug, i am so glad you are now feeling normal. were you ever bedbound? did you actually work through those hellish years?? I am  4!/2 months out from a CT after 20yrs. on multiple AD's. I am now recovering from gabapentin Wd which my doc put me on in aug. and which i CT oct.24th as i could not tolerate the sdx. so i suppose that set me back a lot. 

 

i am so happy for you but feeling those brutal emotions for 2 ans1/2 years is unimaginable to me. did you have any kind of life because right now i have none. just bedbound, numb, depressed, anxious, flat, agoraphobic, anhedonic and waiting to die.

 

2 1/2 years is insane.  it must have damaged your relationships. i know it has damaged mine. could you travel, socialize, work-out, do anything positive??? because with those emotions you experienced i wonder how that could be possible.

 

i am happy for you that you reached the end. but i am finding the journey intolerable. i have always been ultra-sensitive and have always suffered from bouts of depression. the AD's worked until they didn't (long story)......and now i am left like this.......godspeed and god bless...........

Hello,

I will try to address your questions in the order that you listed them.  I was never completely bed-bound, but at times nearly so.  At my worst I only got up to go to work and then would come home and either sit in a chair or go to bed.  I am unsure of how I managed to keep my job, but I did and it think it was just timing, luck, and help from others.  During the worst of it, I wanted to stay in bed and when I had to get up I wished I was back in bed.  It is a terrible challenge and I can relate to how you must be feeling.

My recover was one of continuous misery and at other times waves and windows, a real roller-coaster with many, many changes.  Yours will be unique to you, but may have similarities to mine and many others who recovered in the manner that I have.  This is why I caution you not to be thinking about 2 ½ years, or “all those years”, because you don’t know how your recovery is going to go.  You may recover similar to me and when you have a change in symptoms or feel a bit better it will give you hope and courage to continue on.  Or you may suffer continuously for a time and then all the symptoms may go away within a few months, and you may heal more quickly than I did.  So I think it is very important to focus just on this hour and this day, and getting through it the best that you can.  I know how hard that is and I failed at it more times than I can count, but I kept coming back to that strategy, telling myself, “Just make it through this hour, just make it through this day, tomorrow could be different; it could be the day when things change for the better.”  I continue to use this strategy when I am having a challenging day, and it has worked for me.  When I was at 5 or 6 months off of medication if you had asked me if I could go a couple more years I would have said no it would be impossible.  But I have done it somehow and you can too, but we must keep going!

I could not travel or socialize for a time and had to cancel trips and get-togethers; I was terrified and unable to do anything.  I did continue to try and exercise if possible, even if it was just walking a short distance.  I can’t say if it helped or hurt me, but I had lost control of my body, mind, and emotions and I wanted to try and claim at least a little control over something; so I would try to exercise.

I know what you are saying when you say that the journey seems intolerable.  It is a brutal and all-consuming challenge that is truly inhumane.  But it can be done!  Look at all of those who have come before you and have made it, including me.  I am here to tell you that life can be good again and that you can do this.  Don’t focus on the future and all that could happen, keep your focus on the present moment and do what you have to so that you can get through it.  Getting through it and passing time so that you can heal is what is needed.

 

Please keep going!

Hoping you are doing better.

Pug
 

[pug]

On 11/5/2017 at 3:46 PM, RealMe said:

Dear Pug, I am obsessing and fearful due to tinnitus on top of my other depressive symptoms.  Do you have any advice about how to cope with tinnitus?  I have been severely depressed about this.  I developed cervical dystonia and had to withdraw from abilify and trintillex which had been helping me.  Now I am on Prozac 10 mg., but I am suffering.  I enjoyed reading about your success.

 

Hello,

I am sorry that you are having to deal with tinnitus, it can be a challenging symptom.  I still have it, although it has improved for me and I fully expect that one day it will be completely healed and gone.  During the worst of it, I dealt with it by trying to stay distracted with an activity and sometimes that would help a bit.  Also, if it was possible, I kept music playing during the day and also used a white noise generator at night when trying to sleep.  Having the background noise seemed to help cancel out some of the tinnitus at times so that I could cope better.

I hope you get some relief soon.

pug

[RealMe]

Thank you so much for your encouragement.  Sometimes I think I am too old, and too much damage has been done.  I notice in your signature that you CT'd Prozac 20mg.  Did you actually stop Prozac 20 mg. CT?  I am on Fluoxetine 10 mg., and it has been suggested that I stabilize for at least a few months.  I hope to be able to taper this and be drug free some day.

[gigi63]

Pug, thank you for coming back. You are so helpful and encouraging to us who are struggling still. I must tell you some good news. The pain that was so horribly intense, over the past two weeks has lightened up significantly!!!  It can intensify in a wave but is not the deep pain it was. Yes, it is healing and very gradually.  Pug, it changes location but it is improving!!!!  Also, I just recently went through a very difficult wave. It is way too soon to notice a fixed positive however, I have had a couple of window days just recently where I feel PEACE!!!!  Those couple of days have been glorious!!!!  It was very difficult though because things definitely felt much worse before I had this very recent breakthrough.  I am thinking it may not last  at this time, but it is proof of healing. It gives encouragement to just work at accepting and hold on tight!!!!  Thank you for coming back to us Pug.  Waiting and hoping!!!!!

[gigi63]

Pug, how long before you found you could travel and go away again?  I still struggle with this.  Thanks.  

[deadbrain]

Hi pug. Thank you for your great success story. I am about 2 years off from all meds but still continue to experience many symptoms. One of my biggest symptoms is 24/7 constant dull tension headaches along with light sensitivity. My temple muscles are rigid as rock.  Did u also have these symptoms and how did they go away? 

[Jorge24]

On 5/29/2017 at 12:03 PM, pug said:

Yes, it will feel like a miracle when it happens for you; and it will happen for you, it is just a matter of time.  I want to get that out there first thing; it is my belief that we will all heal in time; it has happened for me and is continuing to happen and it will happen for you.  Am I completely 100% done healing?  No.  Am I so, so much better?  Oh yes!  Now for some basics:

 

Male, mid 50s, took zoloft for over 20 year, quit cold turkey 3.5 years ago, was off 5 months, thought I was relapsing, so started prozac for 3.5 months and then quit that cold turkey.  Then I found S.A. and discovered what I was dealing with was not a relapse but withdrawal (and recovery).  So yes, I did everything completely wrong and more than once!  I am proof that given time we can heal.

 

I currently just celebrated 30 months of being drug free.  Now, how to begin to describe the inhumane torture that I have endured until very recently; not sure but I will try.  I have gone through both the windows and waves pattern and the continuous misery pattern.  I was one of those that suffered a great deal after quitting, but really got slammed at about 6 months off.  At 1 year I was barely functioning; at 1.5 years I was still miserable, and at 2 years off I was wondering if I was doomed to endless suffering with no end.  But now as I have hit the 2.5 year mark I feel as if I have turned the corner.

 

Windows and waves general comprised the first year and then it became continuous misery for pretty much the next 6 to 12 months or more; and then back to windows and waves.  My last serious wave was in months 25-26 and now finally what feels like solid progress the last month or so.  I am hesitant to list symptoms because I know how much it use to scare me to read what others were going through; but on the other hand it really helped when a new symptom would start, because I knew it was part of the recovery process and not some disease or sickness, and most of these are gone or have become minimal although they lasted for months or years.  And just because I experienced them does not mean that you will, we all have a very individual road to recovery; so here they are in no specific order:

 

Dark depression, anxiety, paranoia, obsessive compulsive, panic attacks, intrusive/obsessive thoughts that tortured me, hopelessness, irrational thinking, suicidal thoughts, brain zaps, intense organic fear, severe inner-body tension that felt like my whole insides were clamped up, sexual dysfunction, severe tension, tremors and pain in the back of my legs and calves, terrible shoulder and upper arm pain, mania, extreme bloating and stomach pain, nausea, dizziness, vertigo, feeling like my brain was on fire, feeling like a part of my brain was missing, feeling like a bomb had gone off in my head, floating head feeling, super-hot face, body temperature regulation problems – being super-hot or cold, constipation, dehydration, lack of appetite and weight loss, feeling dead, anhedonia, akathisia, mood swings, insomnia, terrible brain fog and inability to think clearly, sensitive vision and hearing, inching and burning skin, cold like symptoms, head congestion, phantom smells, constant tinnitus, severe fatigue and exhaustion, health anxiety, I could not read, listen to music, or meditate, heart palpitations, random traveling aching and stabbing pain throughout my body, headaches, and so many other symptoms that I can’t remember.  The torture, pain, misery, suffering and utter despair was never ending…until it did finally start to end for me and it will for you too.

 

Did anything help me along the way?  I tried many things; acupuncture, vitamins and supplements, alpha-stim, gluten free diet, no sugar diet, no caffeine, no alcohol, and anything else I could do to try and feel better.  Did it work?  In a sense it all worked because it kept me focused on recovery and gave me hope when I had none, and the possibility that I might feel better.  But time passing has been the real healing agent; although that was the last thing I wanted to hear when I was suffering so intensely.  I did find that mindfulness, breathing exercises and physical exercise helped when all else failed and I was so truly desperate.  Many hours were spent just trying to pay attention to my breath going in and out; and I still use this practice as a relaxation method.  It also helped me greatly to visit this website daily as well as Benzo-Buddies.  I read success stories for hours at a time, read the Bloom in Wellness facebook page each day and anything by Baylissa Frederick and also Don Killian.

 

So, what remains for me?  I still have tinnitus (although it has gotten much better over the last month), stomach bloating and pain on occassion, nerve pain, some brain zaps at night, fatigue and tiredness, and sleep issues.  If I had to put some percentages on where I am at now I would say physically I am at about 85-90% healed and mentally/emotionally at 90-95% healed.  I now eat anything that I choose although I eat as healthily as possible because I value life so much now and I want to live as long as possible; I exercise regularly and it feels wonderful; I enjoy caffeinated drinks including regular tea and coffee which I had given up for many months; I also drink wine and beer a couple times a week if I choose to and enjoy it.  I am in the best shape since high school, and have lost 75 pounds (on purpose). Life is good again and just the simple things are more than enough to bring joy and happiness.

 

So that is my story and I hope it will encourage you as you read it that you will recover and become yourself again.  I remember reading similar statements in success stories and thinking, “Yea, right, that is easy for you to say, you are not suffering through this terrible hell right now!”  And maybe you are thinking the same thing as I did, but please listen to my words; you will make it, you will recover, you will feel better, and you will join me in loving life once again; just please don’t give up or give in and keep going!

 

As I sit here with a cup of coffee and contemplate what I have been through the last several years, it all seems so strange and foreign.  Success stories promised that I would make it to recovery, and they were right, so now it is my turn to tell you that you will make it, “You will make it!”.  Wishing everyone here all the best and a quick recovery.  Please let me know if you have any questions and I will be happy to try and help.

 

All my love.

 

Pug

Thanks allot for your nice words and congrats on your recovery.

I don't know you did it but you did. Today is my 18 day off Zoloft was on it for only 2 month's, but those 2 months where enough for me have withdrawal symptoms. Am having lots of mental confusion, a little of depernolization and mood swings. Feels like my mind is battling to survived inside a cotton ball. Like if am dreaming hard to explain. Will things go away? 

 

[MaryDavid]

On 01/12/2017 at 12:54 AM, pug said:

Hello,

The obsessive and irrational thoughts are like torture, and I am sorry you are having to go through these terrible symptoms.  I can relate to what you are describing and it is miserable and scary to observe it happening to oneself.  For me there was no sudden, major shifts, it was a gradual and at times imperceptible improvement.  It would just occur to me that I didn’t feel quite as bad, or that my thoughts were not quite as intense as I recalled them being.  Of course it could all change quickly and I could then be sent right back to the same terrible symptoms and it would seem like it never happened.  That is why I encourage everyone to keep a journal and make a few notes each day.  I would look back and see my notes that on a certain day for a time I was not suffering quite as intensely and it would remind me that even though I was feeling terrible at the time, I had felt better previously and all I needed to do was hold on and the improvements would come back after a time.  So far that has been true for me.

You ask if I ever try to “re-think” them to verify that they are gone.  Well, it is very hard to explain how the change occurs, because at least for me it was so gradual that I could hardly tell.  The obsessive, compulsive, irrational thoughts came and tortured me day after day and then at some time I noticed they did not seem quite as intense; and then back to more torture again.  Back and forth, back and forth in a slow healing process.  There was no really turning point of sudden improvement, it has been painfully slow and gradual to get where I am now; which is mostly being done with them other than occasional reminders that come and go quickly.  Just this moment I tried to “re-think” them to see if I could answer your question, and I am happy to report thacoult it is just not possible.  It is like trying to recreate the terror and fear that use to overwhelm me, I can’t recreate it, I can just remember what it was like; the same with the obsessive, compulsive and irrational thoughts.  So hang in there and keep going, there is hope!

I hope that you are getting some relief and evidence of your healing.

pug

 

thanks pug yes so true im starting to see everything you say, showed some friends your write up on what you went through, because when i tell them its like they dont believe me, but hearing it from someone else, all they c,ould say was, gosh we didnt realise, you didnt say hahaha... but its been hell on earth hasnt it... we will get there..... i thin k our brain will have to go through another healing process, from the trauma of 'withdrawal'.  Heres to our healing.

 

 

[gloworm]

Pug,

Thanks for your response.  Things for me have now become muddled.  I had been on low dose of a benzo  for 30 years.  Prozac was added 4 years at the end of it due to a paradoxical reaction from a K up-dose.  Prozac calmed that storm for me in a very good way.  Been off Prozac for a little over a year and when first off I clearly could tell with these little waves of intrusive thoughts / terror / rage ect. ect.  I figured it was the WD.  But now its constant ...... relationships are over, arguments, resentments, cant be alone , my moods are like a crazy person, no patience .....living the past ect ect.  NOW I just think this is me without a medication....... I'm just a angry, selfish, crazy person....... Did you have this as well ?  

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking your time to reply 

[Hellbutrin]

On 11/30/2017 at 6:48 PM, pug said:

Hello,

Yes, I did have rage and all of the wildly changing emotions that we all must deal with during recovery.  My temper could be white-hot and a huge over reaction to the situation, followed by crying and remorse.  Of course this was actually an improvement over having no emotions and feeling like a zombie.  But it was incredibly hard to deal with the emotions that had a mind of their own and I never quite knew which emotion would show up at any given moment.  I worked as hard as I could to remain neutral and non-reactive, and above all I would only open my mouth to speak as little as possible.  People may have thought I was cold, aloof, or ignoring them, but I accepted that rather than say things that were hurtful or incoherent.

 

It has been a long road but my emotions are better and have continued to improve, and I still practice reacting and speaking in a slow or delayed manner so I don’t say something I will regret.  I figure that I can always say something at a later time if it needs said, but only after I have contemplated what and how to say it, and if it really needs to be said at all.

I hope that you are getting some relief with your emotions and symptoms.

 

Pug
 

Pug,

 

When did you start noticing your emotions coming back?

[pug]

On 11/30/2017 at 5:44 PM, RealMe said:

Thank you so much for your encouragement.  Sometimes I think I am too old, and too much damage has been done.  I notice in your signature that you CT'd Prozac 20mg.  Did you actually stop Prozac 20 mg. CT?  I am on Fluoxetine 10 mg., and it has been suggested that I stabilize for at least a few months.  I hope to be able to taper this and be drug free some day.

Hello, 

You are not too old!  You are not too damaged!  You can heal and get better, it just takes time so please don’t give up.  Yes I did CT off of 20mg prozac and a few months before that I CT’d off of 50-100 mg of zoloft.  Of course, my doctor at the time said CT was an option, and being totally ignorant about the process, CT is the option I chose. I have no idea if things would have gone more.smoothly or not if I had tapered, but it was too late for that. So even those of us who ignorantly CT can heal and get better, we just have to keep going and give it time.

 

I hope things are getting better for you.

 

pug
 

[pug]

On 11/30/2017 at 6:09 PM, gigi63 said:

Pug, thank you for coming back. You are so helpful and encouraging to us who are struggling still. I must tell you some good news. The pain that was so horribly intense, over the past two weeks has lightened up significantly!!!  It can intensify in a wave but is not the deep pain it was. Yes, it is healing and very gradually.  Pug, it changes location but it is improving!!!!  Also, I just recently went through a very difficult wave. It is way too soon to notice a fixed positive however, I have had a couple of window days just recently where I feel PEACE!!!!  Those couple of days have been glorious!!!!  It was very difficult though because things definitely felt much worse before I had this very recent breakthrough.  I am thinking it may not last  at this time, but it is proof of healing. It gives encouragement to just work at accepting and hold on tight!!!!  Thank you for coming back to us Pug.  Waiting and hoping!!!!!

 

That is great news, and I hope this follow-up message finds you still feeling better!  But if not, you now know that feeling better is possible, and that once it has happened and shown that it is possible, then it cannot be denied and will surely return given time.  That is my belief and what I have experienced, and the hope that I hold out for all of here; healing is possible and we can do this!

My best wishes to you.
Pug
 

[pug]

On 11/30/2017 at 6:12 PM, gigi63 said:

Pug, how long before you found you could travel and go away again?  I still struggle with this.  Thanks.  

Hello,

I did not feel comfortable traveling or leaving the house until after about 18 months.  I had to on a couple of occasions prior to that and it was very challenging for me.  After about 18 months it became gradually easier and easier.  I now have no trouble at all and look forward to the enjoyment of going out and seeing new things!  You will too; just keep going and don’t give up, and in time the healing will allow you to do more and more.

pug
 

[pug]

On 11/30/2017 at 6:24 PM, deadbrain said:

Hi pug. Thank you for your great success story. I am about 2 years off from all meds but still continue to experience many symptoms. One of my biggest symptoms is 24/7 constant dull tension headaches along with light sensitivity. My temple muscles are rigid as rock.  Did u also have these symptoms and how did they go away? 

 

Hello,

Yes I had headaches, light sensitivity, hearing sensitivity, and all manner of weird sensations about my face and head.  I even had an MRI on my skull to ensure that I did not have a tumor or other issue going on.  The MRI turned out to be normal which was some comfort, but the headaches and all the rest continued on for a long time.  Like everything else, those symptoms improved slowly, coming and going but never seeming to leave.  But they did improve and get better and now they are pretty much gone for the most part.  I have a mild headache every now and then, and some light or hearing sensitivity, but it is usually mild and does not last very long.  It just takes time for these symptoms to heal, and we must do what we can to cope with them until our healing becomes evident.

I hope that your symptoms are getting better.

pug
 

[pug]

Hello Everyone,

I wanted to give an update here since it has been a bit over 6 months since I first posted this success story, and I have also recently passed the 3 year mark last month of being off of AD medications.

 

So how have things gone in the last 6 months for me?  Well I have had challenges, set-backs, and successes, much like I have had during this entire journey.  When I think back to when I posted my success story at the beginning of the summer, I was not nearly as healed as I thought at the time; I had just had a return of hope and that made it feel like I had improved a huge amount and was closer to being done than I actually was.  Putting percentage estimates on how healed I feel is difficult for me as it depends on the day; some days 50% other days 80%; I really just need to look at the complete picture of my current physical, mental, and emotional recovery, and I can wholeheartedly state that I have improved a great deal.  Should I have waited to post my story until I had healed more?  Maybe, but I had regained my hope for the future and I wanted everyone here to know that healing happens, so I am glad that I did post it.

I was hit with a serious challenge and set back in September/October that saw the return of some symptoms that had been gone for a long time, and generally feeling unwell for several weeks.  Of course nothing like I had during the worst of recovery, but enough to get my attention and remind me of all that everyone here is going through on a daily basis.  I was reminded of what Mike Tyson famously said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth”.  So my plans were altered a bit, I spent more time at home, did less tasks than usual, went to bed earlier, and generally did as little as possible other than focus on working through my setback.  So I got the chance to practice what I preach, “Stay focused on getting through today, don’t look into the future”; “Remember those before you and their stories of success (including all of the progress that I have made)”,”This is a set-back not a permanent state of being”; “Things change, it just takes time”; and all of the other techniques that I have developed over the last several years.  They of course don’t make it any easier to suffer through the symptoms, but they do help with coping.

Something that I have come to observe in myself as I have gone through this process is that I only improve after having suffered and it is the case now as I feel that I have had additional improvements after this last set-back.  In fact, these last few weeks I have felt better overall than I can remember feeling for many years; including when I was on the medication.  So take heart, possibly you are like me and you can only move forward after having taken a step backwards, and your current suffering will lead to further healing and improvements.

I do still have symptoms; tiredness and fatigue, nerve and muscle pain, stomach upset with bloating and gas, tinnitus, some bladder discomfort and urinating urgency, hot flashes, spotty thinking on occasion, some emotional variances from time to time, brain zaps (mostly at night when I wake up), some sleep disturbances – although I can usually get 5 to 6 hours a night now, and a few more symptoms that escape me right now.  But please realize, these are nothing like I once dealt with and are manageable and do not hinder my life for the most part.

 

So, what happens if I have another set-back?  I will of course be disappointed and possibly a bit discouraged, but I will continue to move forward with the knowledge that it is just a matter of time and I will feel better and that my current suffering is leading to further healing and feeling better.  I will do as you must, I will keep going!

If you are reading this now, and you are suffering with withdrawal and recovery, symptoms that seem unrelenting and intolerable, there is absolutely hope! Almost 4 years ago, after taking zoloft for over 20 years, I went cold turkey off of it and crashed out bad after a few months; I then went on prozac for a few months in desperation and then cold turkeyed that!  I did everything wrong.  2 years ago at this time I was nearly bedridden and could hardly leave the house, unable to eat much of anything, truly afraid of everything, sleeping very little, had akathisia, depression, anxiety, OCD, terrible health anxiety, could not read a book, listen to music, play a video game, had severe pain, felt dead, and had lost all hope.  I was only hanging on out of a simple will to live, and by holding on to the success stories right here at SA and elsewhere.  But today, today I am feeling better than I can remember, hopeful for the future, doing any activity that I want, eating and drinking what I want, exercising regularly, interacting with people whom I love, laughing and joking, feeling excitement when thinking about vacations and time off from work, and the list goes on.  I still have work to do in my recovery, but I am further down the road and know that I just need to keep going and I will continue to improve.

 

It will be the same for you, you just have to keep going and get through each day, time will bring about change and healing.  You can do this so please keep pushing forward and don’t quit!

All my best to all here,

pug
 

[RealMe]

Hi Pug,

I can't express how grateful I am for your encouragement and hope.  I am having a rough day, crying, tinnitus, no energy, negative thoughts.  I am adopting the mantra that I just have to get through this day.  I will get better; it takes time. Thank you again.

[apace41]

Another inspirational post, Pug. Thank you again for your willingness to keep coming back and filling us all in on your journey and what we can hope to expect in the future.

 

It is so good to hear that you continue to improve.  
 

Best,

 

Andy

[powerback]

Brilliant PUG good on ye and thanks for this piece ,today is one of them days I really need encouragement and inspiration.

Wishing you many more years of happiness and recovery .

peace .

PB 

[RachelSusan]

Pug,

So beautifully put. Thank you for the hope and the inspiration. I hope you journey is as smooth as possible.

Rachel

[Hosanna]

Hi Pug, just want to say thanks. I have read your success story ( including today’s updates ) and it helps my hope. I am about your age with a similar long term AD history and too fast ( non) tapers, plus some other chemical assaults on my brain (meds) in between the tapers trying to fix the  first one. I am at 2 years and like you at this timeframe i can’t believe it is still so bad, and feel like it’s worse and permanent. I constantly say “ i can’t do this any more “ several times a day.  It is so painful, confusing and lonely. Words can’t accurately express the agony and anguish but you have done it well, but still in a way that reinforces that it is not permanent. Your story helps so much. 

 

Just wanted to send a note to say thanks for helping me and others with your honest down to earth encouragement.

 

I don’t get on SA too much. Reading, thinking, writing etc. are very rough... well, Any stimulus really  ( internal or external ) 

 

thanks again. 

[gigi63]

Pug, thank you again for all of your encouragement!!!!!  You help to keep us focused on the moment and hopeful for our futures!!!!  Thank you so very much!!!!  Yes, symptoms seem relentless but, healing is happening!!!!!  Thank you, it is always so good to hear from you!!!!