kangamangus: Coming off Zoloft after 9 years

[kangamangus]

15 minutes ago, DMV64 said:

 I am so sorry it’s so hard for you right now. I know I can be hard to try to find hope, I try to remember that things always change. Nothing stays the same and sometimes I hang onto that when I’m feeling really bad. 

I'm trying but I have been fighting this depression battle for most of my life and it's exhausting. I don't know what thoughts are mine and which are from the meds and which are from withdrawal. Its maddening. I am trying my best to hold on though, I promise. 

 

15 minutes ago, Littlegrandma said:

I'm sorry Kang. 

Please try to make yourself go outside. I did just that today......

crying, nausea, headache, and anxiety. I was in my pjs, going to do some minor thing. I started pulling some dead leaves from the flowers I ignored all summer. Then I got the hose out. Then the sprinkler. Pretty soon a couple hours had gone by and I felt so much better. I was still in my pjs with teeth unbrushed but I had a bit of me back. Somehow I wouldn't let myself think about how horrible I felt. That's the first time I've ever been able to distract myself from this w/d. 

 And maybe I was just going to have a window anyway, but I think it was just getting outside and doing something that did it. And it sure felt good. 

 Just try it. Don't give up. You know how I've also been hiding in my house. It was so much nicer doing something and thinking about anything but how horrible I feel. 

 I'm always thinking of you.....lg

Thank you. I try to go outside but it seems to horrible to me and it makes me feel worse. I feel like I should be able to enjoy the outdoors and I don't and its driving me mad. I don't enjoy anything really. I'm glad you were able to distract yourself and feel better for a bit though  I will try tomorrow though, I promise. Thank you for thinking of me

[PoetJester]

Hey Kanga

 

i just wanted to add some commiseration from the withdrawing from Zoloft club.  I actually am dealing with remeron now at the moment, too.  I withdrew from Zoloft (and zyprexa) cold turkey in feb of 2014.  I felt a lot better originally, but my sleep has been pretty lousy in quality since wd, which has been quite trying.  I had the crying spells, too, for the first year and a half.  like you, I felt better after each cry.  I think the poor/depressed sleep was wearing me down, both body and soul,  and being able to cry was a release that made me feel more alive again.  I was crying all over for a while.  I used to have to get up from meals and blow my nose, because I had been weeping so hard, that I couldn't see my food and snot was running down my beard.  i don't cry much anymore.  it almost feels like all the emotions have been wrung out of me over these 3 years.  this hasn't been a lot of fun.    my sleep never really got better after 3 years, and so I have had to resort to taking remeron off and on the past few months.  I sleep better and am able to function, but my personality feels slightly flattened or dampened.  before the remeron, I was down to just 2-3 hours a night of shallow sleep with horrific vivid nightmares so I wasn't sure what else to do.  anyways.

 

poetjester

[kangamangus]

26 minutes ago, PoetJester said:

Hey Kanga

 

i just wanted to add some commiseration from the withdrawing from Zoloft club.  I actually am dealing with remeron now at the moment, too.  I withdrew from Zoloft (and zyprexa) cold turkey in feb of 2014.  I felt a lot better originally, but my sleep has been pretty lousy in quality since wd, which has been quite trying.  I had the crying spells, too, for the first year and a half.  like you, I felt better after each cry.  I think the poor/depressed sleep was wearing me down, both body and soul,  and being able to cry was a release that made me feel more alive again.  I was crying all over for a while.  I used to have to get up from meals and blow my nose, because I had been weeping so hard, that I couldn't see my food and snot was running down my beard.  i don't cry much anymore.  it almost feels like all the emotions have been wrung out of me over these 3 years.  this hasn't been a lot of fun.    my sleep never really got better after 3 years, and so I have had to resort to taking remeron off and on the past few months.  I sleep better and am able to function, but my personality feels slightly flattened or dampened.  before the remeron, I was down to just 2-3 hours a night of shallow sleep with horrific vivid nightmares so I wasn't sure what else to do.  anyways.

 

poetjester

hey poetjester thanks for commenting, i've seen a few of your posts around here before. Yeah I am a proud member of the I HATE ZOLOFT club. Unfortunately I am still on it I am feeling better since I last posted, my moods are seriously all over the place. Nighttime I feel almost like 100% better, its crazy. I wish I could just go live somewhere where people sleep all day and stay up all night. Maybe I will start my own town where we do that. Sorry to hear about your sleep problems , I am lucky in the fact that I am sleeping 8 hours a night every night. Before my stupid CT and reinstatement I was sleeping 12+ hours a day, so its quite the improvement I would say. Remeron will definitely help with sleep, I accidentally CTed it and went through some horrible DP/DR for about a week so be careful with it! If its helping you sleep and function better though, that's awesome. Yeah the crying spells are rough, but they help I think. Better than holding all of that inside anyway. I'm amazed that I am still able to have all these horrible emotions, I feel like my brain would have just given up by now and made me numb. I think I would prefer that to be honest! Anyway, thanks again for posting hope you have a good night 

[PoetJester]

I am glad you are feeling better.  yeah, I posted on a facebook page that some members from SA take part in, that we should probably all live together in some kind of hospice setting or some sort of colony where at least we all understand what we are going through, instead of having to explain to everyone we know what wd is like or even being taken by others as a normally functioning person who is expected to pull their own weight.  I got a note slipped under my door of my apt a couple years back when my sleep was absolutely wretched, from someone in my apt complex who must have seen me around the building, asking if I ever thought about getting a job, never mind the fact I was probably spending the day bumping into walls and doorjambs from fatigue from poor sleep and had little short term memory and couldn't do much more than post on facebook or SA. 

 

I actually withdrew from Zoloft for a year in 2005 and sort of went hypomanic and then crashed and had to reinstate in early 2006 and when I did, I became a permenant night owl, too.  didn't go to sleep until 6 am every day and woke at 3 pm and then usually took a nap at 6 pm until 11 pm.  I hardly saw the sun in 8 years.  felt like a vampire.  I get outside a lot now (walking/biking) but  with all the poor sleep I feel, or felt like a zombie quite often.  not sure if that's an improvement or not.

[TryingToHoldOn]

I'm sorry for all that you've been through.  I hope the next few months are much kinder to you and you get the relief you're so desperately seeking.  Don't worry about the things you haven't accomplished.  You are so young and have a lifetime ahead of you!  The most important thing to focus on right now is your health.  It may take you a few months or a couple of years, but after you've recovered,  you can focus on conquering the world.  

[DMV64]

Hey Kanga!

How are you doing today? <3

[kangamangus]

Hello all. Sorry I haven't updated all week. I hope not to worry you guys too much but I ended up in the hospital last Sunday when I felt like I had had enough. I basically felt like I couldn't go on any longer and that I was too far gone in terms of my depression. I was scared out of my mind but I didn't know what else to do. Luckily I live near one of the best hospitals in the country and they were very good. I met a psychiatrist there who actually listened to me about everything I had been going through and didn't just immediately dismiss everything as my depression. While she said that withdrawal from antidepressants lasting so long was "atypical" she believed it was happening to me. She did NOT want to pull me off of the Zoloft as she was worried it might cause me more damage, so we eventually came to conclusion of adding back Remeron since that seems to be the only med that I have been able to tolerate in the past few months. The hope is that I will get some relief from my depression with the Remeron and will be able to taper off of the Zoloft at that point since she does seem to think that the Zoloft is doing me some harm and is obviously not helping me. I am lucky that she is also in private practice and has agreed to take me on as a patient so I feel good about having a doctor that listens to me.  

 

I was put back on the Remeron at 7.5mgs last Tuesday night and so far it seems to have helped a little bit. I am eating more at least, which is good as I have lost about 20 pounds over the past few months. Since I got home from the hospital on Friday I haven't really noticed much of a difference. I still feel pretty much like I did last weekend but I haven't given up hope yet. I know people here are very anti-med but I had to do something as the depression and hopelessness had pushed me to the breaking point. I don't want to be on medication but if it is the difference between life and death I will choose medication 100% of the time. I hope I won't have to stay on it forever, but I don't know what the future holds. Right now I am just praying and praying that I can get some relief with this. Please wish me luck and keep me in your thoughts. 

 

I am planning on staying on this forum and posting as I am still dealing with many issues from withdrawal and destabilizing if that is okay. I have also met many great people on this site that I would like to continue to support. Not to mention that I will definitely be tapering off of the Zoloft sometime in the near future and will certainly need some support then. While the hope is that one day I will be able to be med free, I just don't know what will happen. I hope that if/when the time comes for me to make that decision this site will be here to help me. I still hurt all over my body, I have obsessive existential thoughts all the time, and the tinnitus is still there driving me crazy, and I am just plain tired. Tired of withdrawal, tired of taking meds, and I am so tired of struggling every day (not to mention many other symptoms that I can't even think of right now). I hope that I haven't disappointed anybody with my decision but I felt like I had to do what was best for me. I also want to thank you guys for checking up on me this week, I hope I didn't worry you too much. I thought about you all quite a bit this past week and I hope that you everyone found some much needed relief (even if it was short lived). Love you guys.  

 

Kang

[DMV64]

41 minutes ago, kangamangus said:

Hello all. Sorry I haven't updated all week. I hope not to worry you guys too much but I ended up in the hospital last Sunday when I felt like I had had enough. I basically felt like I couldn't go on any longer and that I was too far gone in terms of my depression. I was scared out of my mind but I didn't know what else to do. Luckily I live near one of the best hospitals in the country and they were very good. I met a psychiatrist there who actually listened to me about everything I had been going through and didn't just immediately dismiss everything as my depression. While she said that withdrawal from antidepressants lasting so long was "atypical" she believed it was happening to me. She did NOT want to pull me off of the Zoloft as she was worried it might cause me more damage, so we eventually came to conclusion of adding back Remeron since that seems to be the only med that I have been able to tolerate in the past few months. The hope is that I will get some relief from my depression with the Remeron and will be able to taper off of the Zoloft at that point since she does seem to think that the Zoloft is doing me some harm and is obviously not helping me. I am lucky that she is also in private practice and has agreed to take me on as a patient so I feel good about having a doctor that listens to me.  

 

I was put back on the Remeron at 7.5mgs last Tuesday night and so far it seems to have helped a little bit. I am eating more at least, which is good as I have lost about 20 pounds over the past few months. Since I got home from the hospital on Friday I haven't really noticed much of a difference. I still feel pretty much like I did last weekend but I haven't given up hope yet. I know people here are very anti-med but I had to do something as the depression and hopelessness had pushed me to the breaking point. I don't want to be on medication but if it is the difference between life and death I will choose medication 100% of the time. I hope I won't have to stay on it forever, but I don't know what the future holds. Right now I am just praying and praying that I can get some relief with this. Please wish me luck and keep me in your thoughts. 

 

I am planning on staying on this forum and posting as I am still dealing with many issues from withdrawal and destabilizing if that is okay. I have also met many great people on this site that I would like to continue to support. Not to mention that I will definitely be tapering off of the Zoloft sometime in the near future and will certainly need some support then. While the hope is that one day I will be able to be med free, I just don't know what will happen. I hope that if/when the time comes for me to make that decision this site will be here to help me. I still hurt all over my body, I have obsessive existential thoughts all the time, and the tinnitus is still there driving me crazy, and I am just plain tired. Tired of withdrawal, tired of taking meds, and I am so tired of struggling every day (not to mention many other symptoms that I can't even think of right now). I hope that I haven't disappointed anybody with my decision but I felt like I had to do what was best for me. I also want to thank you guys for checking up on me this week, I hope I didn't worry you too much. I thought about you all quite a bit this past week and I hope that you everyone found some much needed relief (even if it was short lived). Love you guys.  

 

Kang

Kang!

 I have been thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing. I am here. I totally support you❤️ And glad the doc listened to you. Please stay in touch. 

-D

[Littlegrandma]

I've also been thinking about you and worrying as you haven't been posting. You did the right thing going to the hospital. I pray the remeron works for you and that you can taper off the remaining Zoloft with minimal side effects. 

  Glad you found a doc that you can trust. 

  Getting your appetite back has to be a good sign. You need nutrition and healthy body to be able to continue to fight. That is the beginning of good things to come. 

  I hope it just gets better and better Kang. Please keep giving us updates. I'm rooting for you.....lg

  

[ChessieCat]

4 hours ago, kangamangus said:

I had to do what was best for me

 

And that is what we are all trying to do.  It's not a decision that you would have taken lightly and it's a more informed decision than you probably would have made before finding SA.

[kangamangus]

On 10/1/2017 at 10:52 PM, Littlegrandma said:

I've also been thinking about you and worrying as you haven't been posting. You did the right thing going to the hospital. I pray the remeron works for you and that you can taper off the remaining Zoloft with minimal side effects. 

  Glad you found a doc that you can trust. 

  Getting your appetite back has to be a good sign. You need nutrition and healthy body to be able to continue to fight. That is the beginning of good things to come. 

  I hope it just gets better and better Kang. Please keep giving us updates. I'm rooting for you.....lg

  

Thank you for worrying about me and your kind words. It wasn't easy, and the hospital was basically a prison, but I am still glad that I went. I was thinking about you a lot and I am sorry to hear that things are still difficult for you I have to say I admire your bravery and for trying to put on a good face for your children/grandchildren.

 

On 10/2/2017 at 1:21 AM, ChessieCat said:

 

And that is what we are all trying to do.  It's not a decision that you would have taken lightly and it's a more informed decision than you probably would have made before finding SA.

Yes we all just want whats best for us and to live a good meaningful life. Is that too much to ask?? Thank you for reassuring me, it was not a decision I took lightly at all, but I had to do what I had to do. 

 

 

So today I have been on the Remeron for 1 week. I was at 7.5 and raised it to 15mg last night at the direction of my doctor. I think that my depression has lifted a little bit, but its hard to be sure. It is certainly better than it was before I went into the hospital, and I have had no bouts of crying in despair for the past week which I think is a good sign. My dp/dr is still there but its really just more of a "fog" that I feel floating around in my head. I still have existential obsessive thoughts though about reality and the universe. Very annoying but I am trying to pay them no mind. My appetite is better, but my energy levels are lower. I still feel much safer and better when I am in my house which I think is part dp/dr and part depression. Still feeling disconnected and weird though. I can handle all of that if I can just get a handle on my depression. I am trying to stay optimistic and positive though as I think that is a key part in this battle. I am considering taking some online classes for my college in the spring, since I have such a difficult time with leaving my house right now. Hope everyone is doing well so far this week, feel free to PM me if anybody wants to chat. Ill be floating around the site all day as I don't have much else to do  Take care. 

[kangamangus]

Updating: Feeling better today. Woke up with the familiar feeling of anxiety/doom/depression and just wanted to stay in bed and go back to sleep and forget it all. Instead, made myself get up and face the day. Horrible feelings faded pretty quickly and I am left feeling like I did for all those years on zoloft. Kind of a dull depression, apathetic, unmotivated feeling, anhedonic. I'll say that its an improvement over the horrible agitated depression state I was in before going to the hospital. I hope this is a sign of improvement and that things will continue to get better. As much as I hate adding another psych med, I think that it has done good for me. I have gained back about 5lbs from the 20 or so that I lost over the past couple of months which is good. My dp/dr isn't bothering me as much anymore. My obsessive thoughts seem easier to dismiss and move on from. My depression seems to have let off a bit. Physical symptoms still bother me like twitching, tinnitus, dull ache over my body. I can handle all of that though as long as my mood stays better! So overall I am not great but I am much better than I was (I think). Take care all. 

 

 

'

[Littlegrandma]

Kang, glad you're noticing some improvement. Especially if the depression is lifting a bit. It's still early days on the remeron, so hopefully in another few weeks you'll get the full benefits.    Lg

[kangamangus]

3 hours ago, Littlegrandma said:

Kang, glad you're noticing some improvement. Especially if the depression is lifting a bit. It's still early days on the remeron, so hopefully in another few weeks you'll get the full benefits.    Lg

Yes some improvement is good, even if it is minimal. I hope so too! I'm feeling like I got hit by a truck tonight, my whole body is so sore. Just took a couple of tylenol so hopefully that will take the edge off. 

[kangamangus]

Update: feeling better today. Still woke up with the classic dread/depression but again it seems to let up once I force myself to get out of bed and face the world. Not as much twitching today which is nice. Have a therapy appointment tonight that I am looking forward to, as I really like my therapist and we mesh really well. It's funny though, as soon as I feel a bit better I begin to feel bad about all the things I have been neglecting in my life. I think I really need to take it easier on myself, I have been through hell lately and anybody that has felt the way I do would likely have neglected life as well. I think I just need to take it easy and give myself more time to feel better and not push myself too much. I have been up and down so many times lately and I am scared of falling back down into that hole again.

[DMV64]

2 hours ago, kangamangus said:

Update: feeling better today. Still woke up with the classic dread/depression but again it seems to let up once I force myself to get out of bed and face the world. Not as much twitching today which is nice. Have a therapy appointment tonight that I am looking forward to, as I really like my therapist and we mesh really well. It's funny though, as soon as I feel a bit better I begin to feel bad about all the things I have been neglecting in my life. I think I really need to take it easier on myself, I have been through hell lately and anybody that has felt the way I do would likely have neglected life as well. I think I just need to take it easy and give myself more time to feel better and not push myself too much. I have been up and down so many times lately and I am scared of falling back down into that hole again.

 Totally take care of yourself! One thing at a time. I have found lowering my expectations is really helpful. 

[kangamangus]

Hello all. Updating again and also venting a little bit. My "WD depression" seems to have gone away I guess, at least I hope so. It's no longer a deep pain and agitated depression with suicidal feelings. What I am feeling now is a more familiar depression that I have had for many years while on Zoloft. I now basically feel like I did before I went off of my Zoloft CT(minus a few physical side effects, and more of a brain foggy kind of feeling). It's a lonely depression, one that comes from being isolated socially and mentally. Looking bad over the years I realize how much I isolated myself and gave into my own depression. I think that's what this insidious drug did to me, it made it so hard to connect and care about other people that I really lost interest in many of my friends. When I graduated high school right after being put on my AD I had a ton of friends. I was a very social person and I had several people who I would consider to be my best friends. I am thankfully still friends with many of those people, but things aren't the same. Nobody calls me anymore because for so many years I would decline to hang out with people. I was more interested in staying home by myself and getting high because I felt like there was no point to seeing anybody. It was a really sad and pathetic way to live. I am having that feeling now as I am typing this. In a weird way I am grateful for this experience because it has taught me why I was so unhappy for so many years, and its because I was missing that connection with people. I really think that's why I turned to illegal drugs, so I could cover up that feeling of loneliness and isolation. If I could get high for a night, I would forget about how lonely and directionless I was. God I wish I had that connection back. I miss who I was before all of this mess. I was someone with a bright future and good friends. Was I depressed?? Yes I think I was. I always had social anxiety and low self esteem but at least I was able to get past it and make friends. Now I am just a mess. I can't shake this weird feeling of being different. Like I am lacking some social component that everyone else seems to get. I called one of my friends tonight and he is out with some co-workers so I am just stuck at home feeling lonely. Its times like these that I really have to watch out for drug cravings. I am really feeling it tonight. I just wanted to post to vent a little bit, I am going to try to distract myself with some video games. Hope everyone is having a good friday. 

[DMV64]

20 minutes ago, kangamangus said:

Hello all. Updating again and also venting a little bit. My "WD depression" seems to have gone away I guess, at least I hope so. It's no longer a deep pain and agitated depression with suicidal feelings. What I am feeling now is a more familiar depression that I have had for many years while on Zoloft. I now basically feel like I did before I went off of my Zoloft CT(minus a few physical side effects, and more of a brain foggy kind of feeling). It's a lonely depression, one that comes from being isolated socially and mentally. Looking bad over the years I realize how much I isolated myself and gave into my own depression. I think that's what this insidious drug did to me, it made it so hard to connect and care about other people that I really lost interest in many of my friends. When I graduated high school right after being put on my AD I had a ton of friends. I was a very social person and I had several people who I would consider to be my best friends. I am thankfully still friends with many of those people, but things aren't the same. Nobody calls me anymore because for so many years I would decline to hang out with people. I was more interested in staying home by myself and getting high because I felt like there was no point to seeing anybody. It was a really sad and pathetic way to live. I am having that feeling now as I am typing this. In a weird way I am grateful for this experience because it has taught me why I was so unhappy for so many years, and its because I was missing that connection with people. I really think that's why I turned to illegal drugs, so I could cover up that feeling of loneliness and isolation. If I could get high for a night, I would forget about how lonely and directionless I was. God I wish I had that connection back. I miss who I was before all of this mess. I was someone with a bright future and good friends. Was I depressed?? Yes I think I was. I always had social anxiety and low self esteem but at least I was able to get past it and make friends. Now I am just a mess. I can't shake this weird feeling of being different. Like I am lacking some social component that everyone else seems to get. I called one of my friends tonight and he is out with some co-workers so I am just stuck at home feeling lonely. Its times like these that I really have to watch out for drug cravings. I am really feeling it tonight. I just wanted to post to vent a little bit, I am going to try to distract myself with some video games. Hope everyone is having a good friday. 

You are not alone! I have been thinking a lot about my social anxiety lately. And how it really takes effort to just get myself out there. Even after many years in recovery. I’m hoping that you are distracting yourself and remembering to take it a moment at a time! Xoxo

[Littlegrandma]

Kang, it will get better. A lot of that was probably the pot itself, not all Zoloft. But the combination.  I know it did that to me. Made me a bit paranoid and anti social. And then brought on anxiety. For me it stopped being a fun drug after a lot of years of use. Then it was just a crutch that made me isolate. 

  It does take a couple years for your brain to clear from it. Somehow you need to take baby steps and get out there with friends you are comfortable with. Or take a big bold step and go to an NA meeting. Those rooms are full of people that have or now feel just like you do. You don't have to talk but you will be welcomed with open arms and understood. It's free group therapy. I always feel good after a meeting. There's always people who I can connect with. They give their phone number and they want you to use it.

  Just go. Don't talk if you don't want. But go back again. 

Fake it til you make it. You may or may not make good friends in a meeting, I did, but you will get support from people who have been exactly where you are now. 

And it's a good start to get away from the isolation. There's meetings all day and night.    Lg

[kangamangus]

Thanks guys. I ended up spending all of today with my friends. I had some fun, but was really stuck in my head the whole time. I just have these thoughts about how I am so different from these people and how much it hurts. I really felt stuck in my own fog and disconnected the whole time. I don't mean that figuratively, it really feels like I am disconnected the whole time. I guess its DP/DR but idk. It was really awful. I had a few good moments though I guess. My friends all have successful careers and significant others and I just really have nothing and it hurts. I worry so much about the damage I have done to my brain taking a drug that wasn't helping me for so many years. I always thought the fog I felt was the drug use but now I have taken that away and the fog is even worse. I have just gotten worse and worse over the years and I worry I have done permanent damage to my brain and I don't think I will ever reach a point where I am feeling okay and be able to taper. I feel so disconnected from people, I can't ever enjoy something in the moment. My thoughts are always nagging away at me about how different I am, how unhappy I am, how much I hate life sometimes. Things that don't seem to bother other people become a nagging thought in my head and I just can't get it to shut up. I can't even articulate accurately how I feel, I just feel so different from other people. I have been this way for so long and I just feel so worn down and tired. I wish I had noticed this years ago and done something about it. I would always just push these feelings aside and get high or something to forget about it. I wish I had listened to my self. Feeling very hopeless. Very tired. I am going to bed. 

[bubble]

The fog you are talking about it is a withdrawal symptom. It will go away as your brain is healing.

 

I used to feel exactly like you for many years in my 20-ies and early 30-ies. Then I stopped comparing myself with others. I live my life. It's different from others but it's mine and I accept it. 

 

You are suffering with neuroemotions also which is another WD symptom.

 

Those are not real thoughts and they don't reflect who you are nor your situation. Your problem is that you believe them. Try to just observe them and tell them they are not real. Read Shep's thread in the benzo subforum to see how it is possible to distance oneself from even much more extreme thoughts and feelings than the ones you are experiencing.

 

I'm glad they treated you so well at hospital. I would personally rather updose than add a new drug especially since you reacted well to updosing. 

 

We are not anti med here in extreme. The reasons we don't recommend drugs is 1) they don't work, 2) we are not doctors, 3) we see a lot of people for whom it backfires. But we recommend reinstating as a harm reduction approach. Not taking a drug (especially after long-term use) can often cause more harm than continue taking it (and reducing it slowly when stable).

 

I repeat: you are going through withdrawal, it passess. It's definitely not permanent although it takes much longer than we are used for things to take.

 

This is an opportunity for you to learn a new way of being that will serve you once you get well. It is not a wasted time. People who have careers and partners are not happier or more valuable. It's just social pressure. You will find your own way.

 

Work on diminishing your pain, loneliness and isolation but not through drugs (legal or illegal) but rather through meditation, talk therapy, reading, etc. Learning from people who have constructively turned this period of pain, suffering and disability into a period of learning and growing. 

 

Maybe you need to surround yourself with people who have different values and interests to your friends from before, more in keeping with who you are now.

 

Just some ideas. When I read what you write it's like I'm reading what I would have written 15 years ago. Now at 40 I regret I spent so much time being unhappy because my life was different, feeling sorry for myself and wanting to be like everybody else. I learnt about tapering only 4 years ago and due to all CTs over the years coming off drugs for good is very painful. But it's an opportunity to practice acceptance and with it I don't add additional suffering by comparing myself with others. I like my isolation and don't think my way of living is inferior to the life of people in the rat race. I think that very often it is fuller, richer and deeper way of being. I definitely learn to appreciate what life offers more.

 

Maybe we just can't skip this phase you are in now ... I probably wouldn't have understood this message 15 years ago... but you can give it a try

 

A year or two in our lives is not so much (in hindsight). So don't put pressure on yourself to go back to work or study. This urgency is also a symptom if withdrawal. Things will happen for you.

[kangamangus]

Updating again. Depression still seems to be improving. Today  I woke up without the sense of doom and depression. Still feeling very foggy and disconnected, but my mood seems to be better. Fingers crossed for continued improvement.

[Littlegrandma]

1 hour ago, kangamangus said:

Updating again. Depression still seems to be improving. Today  I woke up without the sense of doom and depression. Still feeling very foggy and disconnected, but my mood seems to be better. Fingers crossed for continued improvement.

🤞🏻 That's very promising Kang. Happy for you! My doc and therapist say the fog is a symptom of depression, so hopefully that will lift also.         Lg

[kangamangus]

1 hour ago, Littlegrandma said:

🤞🏻 That's very promising Kang. Happy for you! My doc and therapist say the fog is a symptom of depression, so hopefully that will lift also.         Lg

Thanks LG. I think it's promising too. I have had fog from depression before but this is more DP/DR I think. It kind of feels like I'm floating or something. Just very disconnected feeling. It's annoying but I think I am handling it pretty well. Hope you are well today. 

 

[kangamangus]

Very foggy today. Last night was good though, I felt like I broke through the fog and depression for the first time in a while and was able to think clearly. It didn't last long, but it was nice. Again, nighttime seems to be better for me in almost every sense. Daylight is difficult because I think it makes the "fog" more noticable, especially if I am outside doing something. I think it has to do with the bright light. Today though I am feeling very foggy, fatigued, and I have a headache. Ugh. Hanging in there though. Just hoping for a day where I am not constantly focusing on my mental and physical feelings. I am constantly analyzing how I feel about everything and I think it is making things worse for me. I am starting to notice how my thought patterns can really affect how I feel though, which is a big breakthrough for me. Will continue to use CBT and work on my thought patterns and hope that I can continue to improve mentally. Hope everybody is having a good wednesday.  

[DMV64]

1 minute ago, kangamangus said:

Very foggy today. Last night was good though, I felt like I broke through the fog and depression for the first time in a while and was able to think clearly. It didn't last long, but it was nice. Again, nighttime seems to be better for me in almost every sense. Daylight is difficult because I think it makes the "fog" more noticable, especially if I am outside doing something. I think it has to do with the bright light. Today though I am feeling very foggy, fatigued, and I have a headache. Ugh. Hanging in there though. Just hoping for a day where I am not constantly focusing on my mental and physical feelings. I am constantly analyzing how I feel about everything and I think it is making things worse for me. I am starting to notice how my thought patterns can really affect how I feel though, which is a big breakthrough for me. Will continue to use CBT and work on my thought patterns and hope that I can continue to improve mentally. Hope everybody is having a good wednesday.  

Kang. I swear I could have written the same exact post today. Nights are so so much better and daylight brings the fear and fog. I long to not spend chunks of my day thinking and feeling this way. Hugs to you

[jkun41]

Hope you're doing well Kang. 

[kangamangus]

On 10/11/2017 at 3:52 PM, DMV64 said:

Kang. I swear I could have written the same exact post today. Nights are so so much better and daylight brings the fear and fog. I long to not spend chunks of my day thinking and feeling this way. Hugs to you

I am just grateful that at least I have some portion of the day where I feel better and its not 24/7. I too long for the days when I won't even think about withdrawal or psych drugs at all, but that seems so far away from me. Hugs back at you.

 

4 hours ago, jkun41 said:

Hope you're doing well Kang. 

Hey thanks jkun, I have been okay. Been trying to stay off of the site as I feel like I can obsess about things a little and I think staying on the site all the time is bad for my health. The past 24 hours have been rough, DP/DR has ramped up quite a bit. When I am in the thick of it it feels like I have always been this way and only just recently noticed it. I know deep down that isn't true, but right now it feels like I have had dp/dr forever and I just didn't notice it. Has anyone else felt that way? Its very distressing. On the positive side when I feel like this the crushing depression is gone. So thats nice I guess. I still don't really enjoy anything and life is still hard but I am better than I was a month ago. Just wish this fog would go away and I would stop being so scared. When I am like this I begin to have many existential thoughts and questions that become scary. Last night I layed down on my porch and looked at the stars and felt so small and confused and frightened. I hope everybody else is doing well and getting windows. 

 

[jkun41]

I am also trying to take a break from the site. My OCD has ramped up huge, and I was spending way too much time scrolling through. It definitely became a bit of a compulsion. If I give in and check I usually take a peak at yours and a couple others threads, but I seen that you hadn't replied in a few days, so I wanted to let you know that you weren't alone. 

 

Coincidentally alot of my OCD struggles that have been causing me anxiety depression are also existential ones. They're hard thoughts to work through, so you're not alone there. 

 

I would say the fact that you're able to even ask the question if you have always been this way proves that you haven't. Not in the same way, but I have questioned the same sort of thing. Mine aren't so much about DPDR (which I've been dealing with steadily) but more so extremity of my OCD. I feel like it was much much more mild before, but question of its always been bad and I just had (mental) compulsions in place that were helping me ignore it. I know that's not the case though - this whole experience has made it much worse. 

[kangamangus]

16 hours ago, jkun41 said:

I am also trying to take a break from the site. My OCD has ramped up huge, and I was spending way too much time scrolling through. It definitely became a bit of a compulsion. If I give in and check I usually take a peak at yours and a couple others threads, but I seen that you hadn't replied in a few days, so I wanted to let you know that you weren't alone. 

 

Coincidentally alot of my OCD struggles that have been causing me anxiety depression are also existential ones. They're hard thoughts to work through, so you're not alone there. 

 

I would say the fact that you're able to even ask the question if you have always been this way proves that you haven't. Not in the same way, but I have questioned the same sort of thing. Mine aren't so much about DPDR (which I've been dealing with steadily) but more so extremity of my OCD. I feel like it was much much more mild before, but question of its always been bad and I just had (mental) compulsions in place that were helping me ignore it. I know that's not the case though - this whole experience has made it much worse. 

Well thanks for checking in with me  

 Yeah I had the same thought, if I had been this way forever I wouldn't even notice that something was "off" right? Obviously something must be going weird for me to even be aware of it. Yeah this whole experience has just been a nightmare. I am very tired of it all honestly. The DP/DR lets up around night time, but while I am in the middle of it it feel like theres no way I could ever feel normal again. It's very distressing. I am sorry to hear about your OCD, I know thats rough. My obsessions lately have been hard to deal with, but since I was put on mirtazapine I feel like they are easier to move on from which is good. I still feel them but I am able to put them out of my mind much easier. 

[jkun41]

10 minutes ago, kangamangus said:

Well thanks for checking in with me  

 Yeah I had the same thought, if I had been this way forever I wouldn't even notice that something was "off" right? Obviously something must be going weird for me to even be aware of it. Yeah this whole experience has just been a nightmare. I am very tired of it all honestly. The DP/DR lets up around night time, but while I am in the middle of it it feel like theres no way I could ever feel normal again. It's very distressing. I am sorry to hear about your OCD, I know thats rough. My obsessions lately have been hard to deal with, but since I was put on mirtazapine I feel like they are easier to move on from which is good. I still feel them but I am able to put them out of my mind much easier. 

Its good to hear that you're finding some relief. I see my therapist on Thursday, and after the day I've had today I think I may need to try something. 

[kangamangus]

Just now, jkun41 said:

Its good to hear that you're finding some relief. I see my therapist on Thursday, and after the day I've had today I think I may need to try something. 

Sorry to hear that

You have to do whats best for you, and you know you have this site to support you no matter what. Hang in there. I hope your therapy appt goes well. 

[kangamangus]

I think the worst part about this whole ordeal is that it has taken something that I loved away from me and turned it into a nightmare. When I was younger I was so fascinated by science and animals. I had a microscope and would spend hours looking at things I had found out in the woods. Space and the universe were fascinating concepts to me.  Now things are so foreign and scary to me. The very laws of nature itself seem so strange and frightening. I worry about gravity, the stars. I can feel the atmosphere around me and it freaks me out. Animals seem different to me somehow. The idea of us just floating on this rock through space is so damn frightening to me now, and it wasn't before. Before it was interesting. It feels like I have left the matrix and I am looking at the real world now and I don't like it one bit, I just want to go back into the matrix please. 

[jkun41]

31 minutes ago, kangamangus said:

I think the worst part about this whole ordeal is that it has taken something that I loved away from me and turned it into a nightmare. When I was younger I was so fascinated by science and animals. I had a microscope and would spend hours looking at things I had found out in the woods. Space and the universe were fascinating concepts to me.  Now things are so foreign and scary to me. The very laws of nature itself seem so strange and frightening. I worry about gravity, the stars. I can feel the atmosphere around me and it freaks me out. Animals seem different to me somehow. The idea of us just floating on this rock through space is so damn frightening to me now, and it wasn't before. Before it was interesting. It feels like I have left the matrix and I am looking at the real world now and I don't like it one bit, I just want to go back into the matrix please. 

Yeah, I've noticed that for a few things. It makes me really sad that some days being around my daughter makes me sad (due to anxiety and OCD) when we have always been so close. 

 

Im not sure how, but we need to learn to break these associations. I was the same way, I used love reading about the universe, and different stories, but now avoid so much in case I get triggered. 

 

And now I'm pestered by this existential OCD to the point I'm asking myself why I do anything (why am I sitting here with my daughter right now watching a movie? What's the purpose? Well, the purpose is that I'm alive. It's that I care and love my family and always will.)  But as I'm sure you know, the more we answer these questions, even with logic, the more invasive they become. 

 

I think alot of it stems from the fear of dying. Personally I'm a Christian, but this ordeal fills you with so much doubt regardless of what faith you are/aren't. I think after dealing with so many months of anxiety and fear about how we feel, and whether we are dying, causes us to question why we even care. Which leads to the more perverse existential questions. 

 

Im sure you can relate, but it's hard to find the lines between OCD, anxiety, depression, etc. Because we are being bombarded by all of them. 

 

Sorry if I'm hijacking your thread. 

[kangamangus]

2 hours ago, jkun41 said:

Yeah, I've noticed that for a few things. It makes me really sad that some days being around my daughter makes me sad (due to anxiety and OCD) when we have always been so close. 

 

Im not sure how, but we need to learn to break these associations. I was the same way, I used love reading about the universe, and different stories, but now avoid so much in case I get triggered. 

 

And now I'm pestered by this existential OCD to the point I'm asking myself why I do anything (why am I sitting here with my daughter right now watching a movie? What's the purpose? Well, the purpose is that I'm alive. It's that I care and love my family and always will.)  But as I'm sure you know, the more we answer these questions, even with logic, the more invasive they become. 

 

I think alot of it stems from the fear of dying. Personally I'm a Christian, but this ordeal fills you with so much doubt regardless of what faith you are/aren't. I think after dealing with so many months of anxiety and fear about how we feel, and whether we are dying, causes us to question why we even care. Which leads to the more perverse existential questions. 

 

Im sure you can relate, but it's hard to find the lines between OCD, anxiety, depression, etc. Because we are being bombarded by all of them. 

 

Sorry if I'm hijacking your thread. 

Yes it's very difficult when things that used to bring you joy suddenly become so painful. I think its one of the worst parts of this whole withdrawal mess. I know what you mean though! The associations are killing me. It's like now I associate certain things with painful feelings and sensations so I am expecting the worst. Im working on it though. 

 

I am not a christian, but I have found myself reaching for some kind of faith during this ordeal. Sometimes you have to give things up to a higher power if it makes it easier. I am the opposite though, as now I no longer really have a fear of death. Not to be morbid or anything but sometimes it feels like I have already died in a way. The person I once was is no longer here, now I am just a mess of who knows what. But sometimes I can feel that person I was deep down inside me still, which gives me hope that he's not gone completely. That's one of the things that I am holding on to now. 

I can absolutely relate to that though, as right now I am just such a mess from everything its hard to see where one thing ends and the other begins. Am I anxious from my depresssion? Or am I depressed because of my anxiety? It's a chicken and the egg scenario as all of my symptoms seem to feed off of each other.

 

Don't worry about hijacking my thread, Im happy to have a place to discuss some of these things that nobody else in my life understands

 

[DMV64]

31 minutes ago, kangamangus said:

Yes it's very difficult when things that used to bring you joy suddenly become so painful. I think its one of the worst parts of this whole withdrawal mess. I know what you mean though! The associations are killing me. It's like now I associate certain things with painful feelings and sensations so I am expecting the worst. Im working on it though. 

 

I am not a christian, but I have found myself reaching for some kind of faith during this ordeal. Sometimes you have to give things up to a higher power if it makes it easier. I am the opposite though, as now I no longer really have a fear of death. Not to be morbid or anything but sometimes it feels like I have already died in a way. The person I once was is no longer here, now I am just a mess of who knows what. But sometimes I can feel that person I was deep down inside me still, which gives me hope that he's not gone completely. That's one of the things that I am holding on to now. 

I can absolutely relate to that though, as right now I am just such a mess from everything its hard to see where one thing ends and the other begins. Am I anxious from my depresssion? Or am I depressed because of my anxiety? It's a chicken and the egg scenario as all of my symptoms seem to feed off of each other.

 

Don't worry about hijacking my thread, Im happy to have a place to discuss some of these things that nobody else in my life understands

 

This thread is so helpful.