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Sunnyday

Especially ''triggered'' by one person, why?

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Sunnyday

Hi. I'm having big problems (still) with neuro-emotions, among other things but I'd say this one is my biggest problem because of how it tends to interfere with my relationships.

 

I'm having the most difficult time with one specific person and I simply can't understand why I react so strongly to this person. I've been overreacting and overanalyze with most people during my withdrawal but with this person it's even worse. I've taken several ''breaks'' from friends (including this person) and tried to explain as best as I can why and they are understanding most of the time. But I feel like I have to take a break from this person until I'm completely recovered to not mess this relationship up and obviously that would pretty much mean ending the relationship. 

 

Does anyone else feel like this? That a certain person triggers you more than other people. The thing is also that it's not a destructive or toxic relationship at all. If it was I could maybe understand it more. I'm suspecting it has to do with the type of relationship it is, which is that it's slightly more than a friend at this point. So maybe a better question would be, do you feel more easily triggered by your partner/romantic interest than by other people? And how do you manage it.

 

Thank you in advance, and sorry for possibly rambling a bit.

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powerback

Hi sunnyday welcome ,withdrawl is brutal ,our brains are scrambling for relief because of toxins .these emotions are a nightmare ,I live with them on a daily basis .the thing with you being triggered more maybe  because there in your space more wether   there  physicayl in your space or just thinking of them  .

Irritability is a huge problem in withdrawl .these are all too common in withdrawl .

the only person that has never annoyed me is my little niece ,actually a relief to play with her when I see her .

 

withdrawl bundles up the more unpleasant side to our characters multiplies it by a thousand and were left struggling to manage it .

 

you will have to get a handle on your mind and don't let it rip you apart .

your far from rambling ,you have a valid horrible situation .

Hope it gets better for you

PB 

Edited by scallywag
deleted quote of immediately previous post for readability

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Sunnyday

You're right, this person is on my mind a lot. I try to distance myself mentally but it's difficult. 

Personally the only ones who don't annoy me ever is my pets, which is nice. To have someone who doesn't make you feel anything negative. 

 

Thank you!

Edited by scallywag
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powerback

Your welcome sunnyday ,I never actually understood what human suffering was until withdrawal hit me .

Best of luck to you and treat yourself with loads of compassion .

PB

 

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Sunnyday

I feel the same way. Never experienced anything like this. I suppose the positive thing about that is that it can only get better.

Thank you, and same to you!

Edited by scallywag
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powerback

have you checked out the relationship thread ,it could be helpful to you .

PB

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Bokart

Some people just get angry more easily. I certainly had times when I was more angry in general and got "triggered" very easily. Nothing you can do to a withdrawal symptom.

 

Anger is often very deep in our personality, so a change on how you view other people in general affects also anger. Also being opinion-oriented/relationship-oriented affects this (it's kind of a spectrum). Also tolerance to mistakes is involved, and that involves whether you form opinion of people by their actions/opinions/personality etc. And this is deeply related to how you judge yourself, as what you value in yourself, you use it to evaluate others.

 

For me I try to see people's actions and behaviour as a collection of their accumulated learning so far. If you understand the why, you can also see their reasoning perfectly. Done correctly, this helps bring empathy and lessen the anger. I got long way to go though, it's a lifelong journey.

 

Just don't feel bad about being angry, all reactions are true and tell important messages :) If it's a withdrawal symptom, let it be. If it's a part of you, learn from it: what specific behavior in others cause that reaction in you, why that reaction gets provoked in you. Answers are slow to get and require you to develop tools to inspect your reactions neutrally. I'd start with accepting your personality :) It is your own unique nature coupled with all the learning you have absorbed, and there's no judgement, because you had no choice in either of those things when they came to be. There's no blame.

 

All the best,

Bokart

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brassmonkey

Hi Sunnyday-- ADWD is such a whirlwind of emotions and lack there of, it's very hard to get a handle on.  Trying to maintain and develop relationships make it even worse.  Frequently there is an underlying Emotional Spiral involved with the situation.  Because you mention triggering, that makes me think that one is involved here.  Here is a link to an essay I wrote on the subject, many people have found it very helpful.

 

 
 
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Sunnyday
On 2017-08-27 at 2:11 PM, powerback said:

have you checked out the relationship thread ,it could be helpful to you .

PB

I have, but haven't specifically seen anything about being more angry/upset on one person, it seems more general for most people. But maybe I should look around there a bit more!

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Sunnyday
On 2017-08-30 at 7:11 PM, Bokart said:

Some people just get angry more easily. I certainly had times when I was more angry in general and got "triggered" very easily. Nothing you can do to a withdrawal symptom ...

You say very good things that I think would be especially helpful to people that have ''true'' anger issues. For me I have no doubt that it's a withdrawal symptom (I even had a family member who got annoyed with me once because I ''would never get angry'' ). That's why this scares me a bit, because it's a very new feeling to me. Of course I've been angry before in life, but not so easily and not so uncontrollable. It's a scary feeling when you feel you have almost no control over it.

Thank you for your perspective and insight!

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Sunnyday
On 2017-08-30 at 7:49 PM, brassmonkey said:

Hi Sunnyday-- ADWD is such a whirlwind of emotions and lack there of, it's very hard to get a handle on.  Trying to maintain and develop relationships make it even worse.  Frequently there is an underlying Emotional Spiral involved with the situation.  Because you mention triggering, that makes me think that one is involved here.  Here is a link to an essay I wrote on the subject, many people have found it very helpful.

 

 
 

I saved your text about emotional spirals a while ago because it makes me see things clearer when I get extremely angry or upset. I often go back to it (as well as the thread about neuro-emotions) when I need to calm down, because it gives me perspective and at the same time the feeling that someone actually understands. So thank you for that, it's invaluable.

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Sunnyday

I feel like I'm about to ruin this relationship. Everything triggers me as soon as I try to socialize with this person, which results in me creating a bigger distance between us. I try to look at things rationally and I know already that what I get triggered by is ridiculous, but the feeling is just as strong anyways. I also feel like I'm going crazy when I try to push the feeling down (or ignore it).

I simply don't know how to solve it. The most probable thing right now looks like the relationship is just gonna ''dissolve''. I really don't want it to happen, and I suppose that's why it feels like I've already started to grieve over it. It probably sounds stupid. And it might be the neuro-emotions talking, but I still have a continuous anxiety over it when I don't see this person.

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Martina23

I have also one person which triggers me more than anyone else -it is my mother. I have always had a feeling that she never liked me at all. If there is some problem or someone hurts me, she always holds the side of the other person. And especially in relationships she tells me such horrible things -I think she wants that I have a low self-confidence.

 

I told myself already twenty times I will take it like this that I couldnt choose her and try to avoid her but somehow till now when she makes some comment, it hurts me still.

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Sunnyday
21 minutes ago, Martina23 said:

I have also one person which triggers me more than anyone else -it is my mother. I have always had a feeling that she never liked me at all. If there is some problem or someone hurts me, she always holds the side of the other person. And especially in relationships she tells me such horrible things -I think she wants that I have a low self-confidence.

 

I told myself already twenty times I will take it like this that I couldnt choose her and try to avoid her but somehow till now when she makes some comment, it hurts me still.

I'm very sorry to hear that. I've had a relationship like that a few years ago (a very close relationship). I made the very difficult decision to cut ties completely with that person, because they destroyed me emotionally. My life became a lot easier after that.

I can understand you get triggered by a person like that, I would too, even in my ''normal'' state of mind.

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Bokart

My advice in this thread was wrong. I'm sorry. I don't really know about this.

 

I hope all of you get better,

Bokart

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powerback
29 minutes ago, Bokart said:

My advice in this thread was wrong. I'm sorry. I don't really know about this.

 

I hope all of you get better,

Bokart

Hi bokart I hope your well , do you mind me asking why ,I read through your post and there is some truth to it if you ask me .not judging you just curious because I'm a believer in epi genetics and we absorb so much growing up of the surroundings and people around us .

PB

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Sunnyday
On 2017-09-08 at 11:37 AM, powerback said:

Hi bokart I hope your well , do you mind me asking why ,I read through your post and there is some truth to it if you ask me .not judging you just curious because I'm a believer in epi genetics and we absorb so much growing up of the surroundings and people around us .

PB

I agree, I thought Bokart made som good points.

 

Also, the only advice I have to give after making this my (temporary) solution is to take a break from that person or people in general if possible. To me it makes a huge difference. It takes away the constant pressure and the worry of ruining the relationship, and when I get back to them I don't feel as frustrated anymore but instead have some new energy. I just think I need to take these breaks more often.

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JanCarol

Perhaps this person is toxic to your recovery?  In normal times you might be twins and harmonious, but in withdrawal, perhaps this person is "in the way" somehow?

 

I hate the word "triggering," it sounds like you are a gun, and you have no choice but to fire when the "trigger" is pulled.  We have choices all the time.

 

When I suspect that a relationship may be the cause of my distress, I use a mirror technique.  I put an imaginary one-way mirror between myself and the other person.  

 

I listen to their words, and see them saying it to the mirror.  Because really - when people talk, they are talking to themselves first, even if they think they are addressing you, too.

 

See how their words bounce off the mirror and do not affect you.  Observe how they really feel about themselves.  How does this change the way you feel about them?  It is a very revealing technique.

 

If it is decided that the relationship is toxic, I use a cord clearing technique,  pulling cords from the roots, like weeds.  There is a description of one version of this technique, here: 

 

 

and in the post afterwards, I describe what different cords might mean.  When the cords are cleared from your body, then you can decide what is the healthiest path to take. 

 

It is a good idea to clear cords regularly, anyway - the important ones (your children, your sister/brother, your best friend) will always return.  

 

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Sunnyday
On 2017-09-25 at 1:55 AM, JanCarol said:

Perhaps this person is toxic to your recovery...

Yes, I think this is it. The person has always come across as kind and understanding to me, until now where it's more ignorance or skepticism showing. I think the person doesn't believe in this withdrawal syndrome or find it hard to see that it affects me in so many ways, and that's what's hurting to me because it shines through in many things that the person says.

I don't expect people to be able to understand, but then I expect them to let it go instead and stop questioning the cause of my experience/feelings, since I'm sure of the cause myself already. Maybe this is too much to ask though, I'm just tired of feeling like a crazy person in front of other people at this point.

Also, I totally agree about the word ''triggering'', I just didn't know how else to describe the situation.

 

That mirror-technique sounds very clever, and helpful. I will try that next time! Thank you for that. I will read about the other technique as well, sounds interesting.

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Sunnyday

Is there any way I can check if I'm just overreacting or if this is legitimate? Do anyone have a suggestion. I can't seem to trust my gut feeling anymore because my gut feeling is always bad.

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manymoretodays

I think what JanCarol said was great.  That one way mirror thing she mentioned.

 

My guess is if you want to continue the relationship with this person than you will have to base your sharing and connection with them on something other than withdrawal.  So few really get this.  And then all the emotional growth that needs to come after.   In fact my own mum recently said to me that I should stop "blaming" everything on withdrawal so I guess for me.........moving into that place of sharing what solutions I have found or what positives are happening in my life is best with her.  And just trying to stay mindful of the now.

 

For alot of us.......It's(W/D) all that we can talk about for awhile...........when we come to understand it and live it.........it can become a withdrawal obsession I suppose.

 

Sheesh, I'm like a 14 year old now emotionally..........I guess it's better than being a baby or a terrible twos type toddler..........yet it's real hard sometimes.  Just being aware helps and letting it be.  Then letting it go.  The emotion.  And sometimes for me letting go of even the need to do anything about any relationship except for that very important one with myself.........if that makes sense.

 

I mean if it's a relationship that can be set aside for awhile........do so.   It looks like you are only 5 months out since the Lexapro and basically a cold turkey from it like I was.  And then there is the Diazepam too........  So you most definitely are probably experiencing some high emotions around relationships and everything else.

 

Hugs in any case......my gut feelings or intuitions that guide me seem a little off lately too.  I figure, for me, if the same ones keep popping on up over time.......well then.........I trust them and make whatever changes in myself are necessary.  I mean we can't change anybody else really.

 

Best,

mmt

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Sunnyday
42 minutes ago, manymoretodays said:

I think what JanCarol said was great.  That one way mirror thing she mentioned.

 

My guess is if you want to continue the relationship...

Yes, you have a very good point about not being so obsessive about the WD because if I let myself, I feel that I could go on and on about it (I don't of course). Especially with this person I've always tried to stay away from the subject.

It works better now to avoid the subject than before, but I still get those hints from this person, mainly that ''my health is my responsibility'' (when I was not the one bringing it up, either) and so on. But then I also think that the person might not mean in it the way that I interpret it. I see it as passive-aggressive, and being blamed for feeling the way I do right now. While maybe the person just tries to help me and be someone to talk to. 

 

That gut feeling is making me go crazy. It was an obvious sign that something was wrong before, but not anymore. Maybe like you say, if it keeps happening in the same situation it might be something to take seriously. I'm just scared to make any drastic changes while I feel like this.

 

Hugs to you as well, thank you for the response! It helps a lot to hear other people's perspective on things.

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brassmonkey

Hi Sunny-- Relationships with others and how much we share are really tricky parts of the WD process.  Because our emotions are blunted or all over the place it's really hard to understand what others are thinking/saying or even understand what we are thinking or saying.  The WD process is a very personal thing, because it is only happening to our self and no one else can experience what we a re feeling.  One decision I made early on in the process was that I wouldn't talk to anyone about it, and if I did it would only be in generalities unless they asked more questions.  My reasoning was that I didn't want WD to be the only focus of my life and I didn't want my friends constantly asking how I felt and loosing interest when there was no change for months at a time.  I only openly talked about things with my wife and here on SA and Prior Place.  Otherwise I made the effort to talk about mutual interests with friends.  Over the course of my WD some friends have come and gone.  The less important ones I see from time to time and we can pick up again quickly.  The strong friendships have endured and are stronger than ever. They know something has been up because of the slow changes, and one day when the time is right, I may let them in on it.  But until then, we have a common past built on mutual interests, which is the basis of any strong friendship.

 

Going through WD is a brutal experience that causes many changes in our lives.  Some friend will drop by the wayside, but the ones who are true friends will still be there when the dust settles.  And our relationships will be all the stronger for it.

 

Brassmonkey

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Sunnyday
2 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

Hi Sunny-- Relationships with others and how much we share are really tricky parts of the WD process...

Hi brassmonkey. I can relate a lot to this, ''it's really hard to understand what others are thinking/saying or even understand what we are thinking or saying.'' it's a very bizarre feeling. And what you're saying about making the decision to not talk about it, I wish I had done that. I wish I hadn't told anyone but my family. This wouldn't be a very big regret of mine if it wasn't for this one friend though, because the few other people I've told haven't reacted in the same way. 

I think it was such a shock with this whole experience because I didn't expect it (to be this bad), so just by impulse I told my family and close friends what was going on because at that point it was so obvious that something was wrong. 

 

It makes sense that some friends don't stay during all this. I see this friend as very important, and that's why it's so difficult and gives me conflicted feelings. I'm also afraid that this friend will see me in a different light from now on, just because of this. It's a complex situation. I wish it was more black and white. :P

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Sunnyday

Now I feel almost nothing towards this person (except anxiety). I tell myself it's because of good reason, but the more logical perspective I guess, is that it's my feelings being irrational again. It's very confusing. Is it normal for people to permanently lose feelings (whether it's for a close friend or some other relationship) during this and then not have the feelings come back? Or is it usually temporary feelings, so that it makes you regret if you act on these feelings now. That would feel reassuring to know.

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powerback

Hi SD I feel your pain ,2 friendships have changed forever in my own circumstance .it has affected me but the more I read and understand my situation ,we cant control other peoples ignorance and scepticism .I'm getting much stronger in my own skin ,from spending so much time on my own but we got to get perspective ,this is probably  the most serious thing you'll go through and its hardly recognised by the "medical system " let alone friends that have there own media filled agenda and spell binding .

 

I have a friend that complains about the most mundane things ,I could never even acknowledge such mediocre problems . this will test and show up holes in all kinds of relationships .

 

the regret about telling others is so true but as you say it gets impossible to hide so don't dwell on that ,the saying is "the ball is in there court.

I was working on a friends house one day last year and I walked out to the front and when I was out there ,he's partner asked the lad I was working with "how's PB [she said my real name].this example just shows you how far behind people/society are in dealing with these kind of issues and I was not even that bad last year ,this year that friend would avoid me and lie to me how are you but never pick up the phone .I've deep wounds because I was like a sponge that soaked up all he's moaning about he's life and I was always there for him .when I'm better he wont get away without me telling him .[but as I say the ignorance ]

 

 

you need a rest from constantly explaining yourself to others ,we don't come across well to these ignorant people .you need to limit your triggers when going through this it takes time to rest .

this tests our own soul let alone friendships .

take care 

PB

 

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