Jump to content
SadDoll

Hope?

Recommended Posts

SadDoll

Hey everyone, hope you are all well.

 

Well, I just want to pop in and ask something.

 

The last week for me has been rough. I read an article on doctor Healy's site saying that PSSD is most likely permanent and there is no way to tell who's going to get through this or not.

 

I would give everything I have and everything I will have to get my emotions back. All of them. And my ability to feel arousal and pleasure.

 

It's tough because in all the cases of recovery I've read online, they reported frequent windows of improvement that increased with strength each time. Well, as for me I never had a full window of being back to normal.

I've had flashes of feeling (last night my heart speed up a bit while looking at an ex's page and it lasted a few seconds) and slight arousal throughout the last 3 years (although one night in 2014, just after I quit the SSRIs, I remember waking up really aroused one night).

 

But other than that one time over 3 years ago, my arousal has never returned to even half of how it used to be.

 

I also noticed that many people who recovered tapered, as opposed to quitting suddenly. Are there any cold turkey recoveries out there? 

 

I feel like I'm stuck in hell. My brain wants sex, but my body doesn't commute. Nothing stirs. 

 

I want to be positive, but I cant even imagine being restored to normal again. 

 

I just need to rant here, sorry if I bum anyone out. I really dont want to. 

 

Who here has recovered or improved significantly without experiencing windows for the first few years? 

 

I want to be whole again. I feel like I've lost so much. Even my faith. 

Now I'm dark and broody. I used to be so vibrant, emotional, and excitable.

I feel so hollow now and I want the silence inside to stop.

 

It's hard to hope when there are 1000s of people online saying that it's more than likely forever. 

I'm in my early 20s.

I want to be able to relate to other people when they talk about sex. I want to laugh properly again, to feel it in my gut. And I want to love fully and not just flashes of unrequited 'like' here and there. I want to feel joy and I want to be excited. 

 

Edited by ChessieCat
removed expression offensive to some

Share this post


Link to post
kangamangus

Hi SD,

   I'm really sorry that your'e going through that. I haven't had the same experience but I really hope things get better for you. I have read several CT success stories on the forums here, and I know some of them mentioned PSSD improving after some time. I can't think of the specific names right now, but I'm sure you can find them if you go to that part of the forums and search "PSSD". I have also seen some advice given out on this forum in relation to PSSD- try not to stress about it too much (I know that's much easier said than done). Just have faith that you will heal one day and try to live your life as best as you can in the mean time. If you try to force feelings that aren't there, it will just lead to more stress and despair. I really hope things get better for you, just hang in there. I think its a good sign that you have had some slight arousal during the past few years, just look at it as a sign your body and brain are healing. I also recommend looking up Neuroplasticity on here as well. I have learned that the brain has a remarkable ability to heal itself, the only kicker is that it takes a long time. Hang in there, feel free to message me if you want to vent.

 

Kang 

Share this post


Link to post
SadDoll

Hi Kang,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

What's your story? If you dont mind me asking. 

 

It is really hard when I'm not showing signs of overcoming this chemically induced asexuality. 

I hate how the doctors tried to blame it on depression, even through I had suffered for depression years ago before I got PSSD.

 I felt everything intensely and I had a very high sex drive regardless of being a morbidly depressed teenager/young adult. 

 

The problem is, the slight arousal i do get happens very rarely. The majority of the time, nothing happens. Sucks when you're a young woman with a mental interest in men but not a physical one. I feel like a robot.

 

I dont mind how long it takes, as long as I reboot back to normal. 

 

What I dont get is how come people recover from awful things, like car crashes and class A drug abuse, yet PSSD seems to be a mostly permanent deal. What the hell are our doctors giving us. I feel like my life ended before it even begun. 

I'd give up my left leg to be back to normal. Seriously, I would. No hesitation. 

 

Maybe my anhedonia has gotten worse over the years because of the depression I entered due to discovering PSSD. It's like I'm dying slowly inside. 

 

Thanks again for your support Kang. How are you feeling?

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
kangamangus

I was quite depressed when I was younger as well. I always had difficulty in school and had quite a bit of anxiety as well. I was put on Zoloft when I was 16 years old. I honestly don't remember if it helped me at first or not, all I know is that my depression got worse and worse through the years. I became a drug addict, dropped out of college several times, and generally stagnate in life because I didn't care about anything. This past May, I finally decided something had to change or I was probably going to kill myself. I quit all of the drugs/alcohol and also decided to quit my Zoloft at the same time since I felt like it wasn't helping my depression at all. About 3 weeks later I began to go through horrible withdrawal and became more depressed than I had ever been in my life. I ended up in a mental hospital outpatient program and was reinstated on my Zoloft, although at a lower dose than what I had been on. Since then I have found this site and discovered all of the information about how psych drugs are actually harmful to people. I realized my worsening depression was probably caused by my Zoloft. I was never suicidal before I took the meds, but I certainly became suicidal on them. Since I have reinstated I have gone through horrible depression, anhedonia, horrible depersonalization/derealization, and anxiety. I also have terrible tinnitus that I never had in my life before I quit CT. I think this is because I am on 50mg now, and before I quit I had been on 100mg for years. I also started on Remeron for sleep, lost my prescription, and had to quit that CT too. This obviously made everything worse. I can relate to you feeling like a robot, I have had quite a few days like that. My emotions are definitely blunted. My libido is now lower than it was too, although not as extremely as yours. In spite of that, I have had a few "windows" where I feel almost normal. On the days I feel normal, I feel like my depression is better than it had been in years (although its still not good). I also feel more connected to my friends and family at times, although usually I feel disconnected and in a "fog". 

 

I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time. I know exactly what you mean when you say you would give your leg to feel normal again. My advice to you is to believe with all your heart that your PSSD and Anhedonia ARE NOT PERMANENT. I truly believe you will heal, it just takes a long time. I think if you are able to heal from this trauma, you will be able to handle anything in life. Read this story I linked at the bottom. This guy had Zoloft withdrawal REALLY REALLY bad. It took him a long time to feel better again. I think you just have to give it time. In the meantime, you have to live your life as best as you can. Stay connected with your support system and do whatever you can to be active in life. I also recommend that you don't read any more stories about people with "permanent" PSSD. It is only going to scare you and make it harder for your brain to heal. The power of positive thinking is a real thing, and I think that negative thinking can have to opposite effect and make it harder to heal. In the meantime, you've got a friend across the ocean here in the US if you are ever having a hard time and want to talk. We're in this struggle together.

 

Take care of yourself,

Kang

 

Share this post


Link to post
SadDoll

I'm really sorry to hear that Kang. It's scary and senseless that suicidal ideation is a side effect of medications that are meant to help people who are depressed. Makes no sense.

I hate big pharma and the greed that drives it.

The fact that you decided to make a positive change in your life by quitting drugs, alcohol, and SSRIs at the same time is strong as hell. It may have ended with you in hospital, but at the time you didnt know the dangers of cold turkeying SSRIs. 

 

I hope that you heal soon. And I think that you will.
I'm here if you want to talk, anytime. Just drop me a message. The fact that you have windows is great.

You should try to get off the 5omg of Zoloft. Ask your doctor to help you taper slowly until you're eventually off them.

 

Yeah, the power of thought is amazing. I really want to be positive but I find it so hard, what with the negative stories online and my morbid depression. 

 

Thank you for the link and for your support.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
kangamangus

Thanks SD, that means alot. If I knew how dangerous these drugs were, I never would have started on them. Unfortunately I was a teenager and my doctor's never explained to me how these drugs really work and how hard it can be to come off them. I was told i had a chemical imbalance that the drugs would fix. I know now that was a straight up lie. There is no evidence of any chemical imbalance causing depression (unless you count the imbalance you get from actually taking the drugs. Ironic.)Honestly quitting illegal drugs was a walk in the park compared to this. I am planning on tapering off of the Zoloft, but not quite yet. I have really put my system through hell the past few months and I want to give myself a chance to truly stabilize. I know what you mean about being positive, I struggle with that too especially on my bad days. Hang in there, things will get better :)

Share this post


Link to post
nicolantana

Hey Sad doll.

 

I can relate to what your saying. everything you speak of, I've gone through

all be it different time frames and different drugs, but I hope my story gives you hope and I'll watch yours as well

 

I've had big imrovements now and then, even though I feel robotic today.

 

as for pssd lasting forever, that just ain't true as far as I know. all functions come back no matter how crazy things got

 

Nick

Share this post


Link to post
SadDoll
On 8/30/2017 at 0:37 AM, kangamangus said:

Thanks SD, that means alot. If I knew how dangerous these drugs were, I never would have started on them. Unfortunately I was a teenager and my doctor's never explained to me how these drugs really work and how hard it can be to come off them. I was told i had a chemical imbalance that the drugs would fix. I know now that was a straight up lie. There is no evidence of any chemical imbalance causing depression (unless you count the imbalance you get from actually taking the drugs. Ironic.)Honestly quitting illegal drugs was a walk in the park compared to this. I am planning on tapering off of the Zoloft, but not quite yet. I have really put my system through hell the past few months and I want to give myself a chance to truly stabilize. I know what you mean about being positive, I struggle with that too especially on my bad days. Hang in there, things will get better :)

Couldn't agree more with what you said.

It's fucked that they dont even know much about how SSRIs (and other antidepressants) work yet they keep pushing them. Such a disgusting industry that has no regard for the human beings. They just want patients so they can get money.

 

Just take tapering slowly and have faith :)

 

How are you feeling lately?

Share this post


Link to post
SadDoll
On 9/5/2017 at 3:20 PM, nicolantana said:

Hey Sad doll.

 

I can relate to what your saying. everything you speak of, I've gone through

all be it different time frames and different drugs, but I hope my story gives you hope and I'll watch yours as well

 

I've had big imrovements now and then, even though I feel robotic today.

 

as for pssd lasting forever, that just ain't true as far as I know. all functions come back no matter how crazy things got

 

Nick

Hi Nick,

 

It's great that you're experiencing big improvements. How are you today?

 

What's your drug history?

Share this post


Link to post
kangamangus
3 hours ago, SadDoll said:

Couldn't agree more with what you said.

It's fucked that they dont even know much about how SSRIs (and other antidepressants) work yet they keep pushing them. Such a disgusting industry that has no regard for the human beings. They just want patients so they can get money.

 

Just take tapering slowly and have faith :)

 

How are you feeling lately?

Hey SD, unfortunately things seem to have gotten worse for me. I was feeling pretty good when I was responding to you initially, but it seems that the depression has hit me harder than it ever has before. I am just barely holding on. I hope you are well.

Share this post


Link to post
SadDoll

I'm sorry to hear that Kanga.

PM?

Share this post


Link to post
kangamangus

Hey SD, how are you doing today?

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie

Hi SadDoll:

 

I read in your signature help and hope is greatly appreciated. Feel so alone and lost.

 

I feel the same way. I have 1 friend (if that's what you call her) that lives in the town I live in. I moved from the hometown I was born and raised to be with my fiancé 4 years ago, to a little 600 people, no where town. 

 

I left my my family and friends. It's really difficult right now because my 16 years old chihuahua is sick, she keeps me going.

 

I miss my granddaughter the most. I'm 2 1/2 hours away from her. I used to see her almost every weekend.

 

If you ever want to just talk, I'm here.

 

Good luck in your WD. I'm still tapering.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post
Gridley

Frogie, I know it's not the same, but we are here for you.  I'm sorry you are lonely.   I hope Blackie is doing better.  What does the vet say?

 

Gridley

Share this post


Link to post
Frogie
31 minutes ago, Gridley said:

Frogie, I know it's not the same, but we are here for you.  I'm sorry you are lonely.   I hope Blackie is doing better.  What does the vet say?

 

Gridley

Gridley:

 

It's not the same. I really appreciate you being here for me. It means a lot.

 

We will find out on the 7th of Oct how Brownie is, but she is eating better.

 

Thanks for asking.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.