Staz: Poly drugged & trying to get drug free

[Frogie]

3 minutes ago, Staz said:

Well the anxiety has increased today. My son going back to uni tomorrow isn't helping any and wife back to work today. Too much time for rumination but the anhedonia seems to be getting worse.

I know how you feel. I'm having increased anxiety today. It's because my fiancé went back to work today after a long weekend. I still haven't seen my granddaughter for Christmas, her presents are still sitting here. And we are going to so end the weekend with my fiancés parents. I'm going to be happy to do that, but I can't have my 16 year old chihuahua there. She will only be 10 minutes away from me at my uncles but it's not the same having her laying next to me. 

[Staz]

13 minutes ago, Frogie said:

I know how you feel. I'm having increased anxiety today. It's because my fiancé went back to work today after a long weekend. I still haven't seen my granddaughter for Christmas, her presents are still sitting here. And we are going to so end the weekend with my fiancés parents. I'm going to be happy to do that, but I can't have my 16 year old chihuahua there. She will only be 10 minutes away from me at my uncles but it's not the same having her laying next to me

All triggers Frogie. 2 years ago it wouldn't have bothered me. Now the slightest bit of stress is all it takes to push my buttons.

[Frogie]

1 hour ago, Staz said:

All triggers Frogie. 2 years ago it wouldn't have bothered me. Now the slightest bit of stress is all it takes to push my buttons.

 

I didn't make sense at all. Stupid spell check. I meant to say we are going away this weekend to see my fiancés parents and my 16 year old chihuahua can't be with me at their house. She's staying with my uncle 10 minutes away, but it's not the same as her laying next to me.

 

I know it's all triggers. I want to go, but I don't want to let go of my dog. It's so hard.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

[Kristine]

6 hours ago, Downbutnotout said:

I know that your considering a taper using lamactil and have discussed it with Christine. I don’t want to break their rules. 

Just in the interests of accuracy, I have never discussed this with Staz. Did I miss something? I've never been even been on lamactil. K

[Frogie]

1 hour ago, Kristine said:

Just in the interests of accuracy, I have never discussed this with Staz. Did I miss something? I've never been even been on lamactil. K

I don't know Kristine. I never read that.

 

I did see you were on Escitalopram. I'm tapering off that right now. May I ask, how did it affect you, and was it hard for you to taper off of? I'm having a terrible time.

 

Are you on Prozac now? How do you do with it?

 

Thanks for helping me. I greatly appreciate it.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

 

PS. Sorry Staz, I used your thread again. I won't do that again. I will go to Kristines thread next time.

 

[Downbutnotout]

31 minutes ago, Frogie said:

I don't know Kristine. I never read that.

 

I did see you were on Escitalopram. I'm tapering off that right now. May I ask, how did it affect you, and was it hard for you to taper off of? I'm having a terrible time.

 

Are you on Prozac now? How do you do with it?

 

Thanks for helping me. I greatly appreciate it.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

 

PS. Sorry Staz, I used your thread again. I won't do that again. I will go to Kristines thread next time.

 

 

[Downbutnotout]

2 hours ago, Kristine said:

Just in the interests of accuracy, I have never discussed this with Staz. Did I miss something? I've never been even been on lamactil. K

Oh I’m so sorry Kristine. Please forgive me. He was probably talking about that with someone else. I’m so sorry. I’ve had a really horrible day. It’s been the worst ever. I thought he was discussing lamactil with someone. It probably wasn’t you.  I should not have butted into these discussions in the first place. I lost a lot of ground today. It’s been really rough. I thought i was making progress than boom. I’ve been relying a lot on you, and I shouldn’t be doing that either. Please forgive me. 

[Downbutnotout]

2 hours ago, Kristine said:

Just in the interests of accuracy, I have never discussed this with Staz. Did I miss something? I've never been even been on lamactil. K

I want to formerly apologize to Kristine. I am so sorry. I should keep myself out of these discussions anyway. I’ve had a horrendous day although that’s no excuse. 

[Kristine]

It's ok D, could you please write this on your thread and I'll respond to you there 😊 Don't sweat the small stuff, there is nothing to forgive. K

[Staz]

Just said a tearful goodbye to my son going back to Uni. Back to long lonely days full of anxiety and stress. I'm going to have to hold my seroquel taper as the last few nights my sleep hasn't been good so I think I'm going to let things settle for a few weeks.

I don't know why I'm so emotional all the time. Just think to Christmas 2015. The last Christmas i enjoyed with a job, kids at home and the house filled with people laughter. My home i once loved has turned into a silent tomb.

[Staz]

14 hours ago, Frogie said:

I didn't make sense at all. Stupid spell check. I meant to say we are going away this weekend to see my fiancés parents and my 16 year old chihuahua can't be with me at their house. She's staying with my uncle 10 minutes away, but it's not the same as her laying next to me.

 

I know it's all triggers. I want to go, but I don't want to let go of my dog. It's so hard.

No problems Frogie.

xx

[powerback]

Hi staz ,I'm riding a very emotional wave this morning myself ,I have a physical pain in my heart  ,its very unnerving .I  had a family gathering for Christmas and there all gone back to the countries they emigrated too ,brother and sister and niece  .withdrawal intensifies every emotion  so give yourself some time and a conscious break .if I do one thing today it will be a good walk ,I cant emphasise this enough .

Maybe you can find solace in your son getting on with he's life and be proud for setting  him up so well.

PB

[Staz]

8 minutes ago, powerback said:

Hi staz ,I'm riding a very emotional wave this morning myself ,I have a physical pain in my heart  ,its very unnerving .I  had a family gathering for Christmas and there all gone back to the countries they emigrated too ,brother and sister and niece  .withdrawal intensifies every emotion  so give yourself some time and a conscious break .if I do one thing today it will be a good walk ,I cant emphasise this enough .

Maybe you can find solace in your son getting on with he's life and be proud for setting  him up so well.

PB

 

Hi PB. I was never this emotional before all the meds and it seems I spend hours everyday in tears and i don't understand why. It's been the same ever since my reinstatment of. valium. I'll try and get out later as you suggest.

Hope you feel better soon mate.

Staz

[powerback]

Its the drugs ,they really do a job on us ,don't judge the crying ,its funny because when we get angry we tend to think its justified in some way ,but the crying gets judged more harshly .

I'm here trying to get peace in a house were I cant and your dreading the loneliness of the empty house ,well your never alone with all us supporting each other  .I often go for walks off the beaten track and even an interaction with strangers walking there dogs can be nice . my emotion seems  be turned inward ,I waved my sister off in  airport last night back to Australia but she's happy living there I tell my mother .

 

[Staz]

1 hour ago, powerback said:

ts the drugs ,they really do a job on us ,don't judge the crying ,its funny because when we get angry we tend to think its justified in some way ,but the crying gets judged more harshly .

I'm here trying to get peace in a house were I cant and your dreading the loneliness of the empty house ,well your never alone with all us supporting each other  .I often go for walks off the beaten track and even an interaction with strangers walking there dogs can be nice . my emotion seems  be turned inward ,I waved my sister off in  airport last night back to Australia but she's happy living there I tell my mother .

It must be the drugs PB. That's the only explanation. I would have been sad to see him go normally but got used to it with the Uni years for both kids but since I've been ill it's turned into a real trigger point for me. I'd rather be dealing with too much noise round me tbh. The silence and isolation are a real problem for me and it appears to me to be getting worse although w/d's are probably playing a big part in that and the time of year.

[Staz]

My psychiatrist has been on the phone gain this morning still pushing ECT or Lamictal (Lamotrigine). I was tempted but have turned both down for the time being. I'd take anyhting if it was guaranteed to make me feel better but after all this time and drugs I've tried I don't think there is any drug or treatment that will help.

[powerback]

Just now, Staz said:

It must be the drugs PB. That's the only explanation. I would have been sad to see him go normally but got used to it with the Uni years for both kids but since I've been ill it's turned into a real trigger point for me. I'd rather be dealing with too much noise round me tbh. The silence and isolation are a real problem for me and it appears to me to be getting worse although w/d's are probably playing a big part in that and the time of year.

maybe stick on the tv or radio for back round noise ,saying that this is a trigger for me  these days ha ,I got to laugh japers .its still very early after the madness of Christmas ,keep yourself strong and healthy for your kids visits .have you pets ,is it an option to adopt a dog ,I've considered this myself for my walks but they can be a handful if we don't have the energy  .

[Staz]

1 minute ago, powerback said:

maybe stick on the tv or radio for back round noise ,saying that this is a trigger for me  these days ha ,I got to laugh japers .its still very early after the madness of Christmas ,keep yourself strong and healthy for your kids visits .have you pets ,is it an option to adopt a dog ,I've considered this myself for my walks but they can be a handful if we don't have the energy 

That sounds like a good idea a bit of background noise. I've also thought about a dog but I'm a bit unsure about it tbh.

[Staz]

It's been a black day. I'm really struggling and thinking of getting my self admitted to hospital for my own safety. I feel really beaten by this now and am clinging on but so close to the edge. The guilt I feel for having these black thoughts is terrible as I love my wife and children so. I really don't know what to do for the best.

I have everything planned and in place. I don't want to die but I'm worn out and want to live but not like this.

My wife will be home soon and I need to be honest with her but don't want to hurt her anymore than I've already done. God what a mess these drugs have made of me. 2 years ago I had everything and now nothing matters anymore. My mind is wrecked. 

[AliG]

Hi Staz. I understand where you are coming from, as I have also been there myself as has quite a few of us.

 

Hang on tight. You are the only one who can do this ~ if you leave it up to others, then you can be lost.

 

SI, is totally a withdrawal symptom ~ and it is transitory. I had it very badly and it's totally gone. What does that tell you ? It's the drugs - pure and simple. Don't give them power over you. Get angry ~ go minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day but keep hanging on.

 

You have children ~ be a warrior for them and also for yourself. In a few months or a few years , it will be different. Hang on until then.

 

I said on Nikki's thread that you need on - ground support in whichever way that you can ~ Can you organize that ?  Keep talking ~ I'm here for you.

[powerback]

Big pat on the back from me staz ,you will get there ,dont listen to the nasty depression.

I myself have thought the same way and will again so dig deep your worth it.

PB

[Staz]

34 minutes ago, AliG said:

Hi Staz. I understand where you are coming from, as I have also been there myself as has quite a few of us.

 

Hang on tight. You are the only one who can do this ~ if you leave it up to others, then you can be lost.

 

SI, is totally a withdrawal symptom ~ and it is transitory. I had it very badly and it's totally gone. What does that tell you ? It's the drugs - pure and simple. Don't give them power over you. Get angry ~ go minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day but keep hanging on.

 

You have children ~ be a warrior for them and also for yourself. In a few months or a few years , it will be different. Hang on until then.

 

I said on Nikki's thread that you need on - ground support in whichever way that you can ~ Can you organize that ?  Keep talking ~ I'm here for you.

Thank you Ali,

It's a chemical lie but sometimes it's been so overwhelming the SI gets really frightening. I've no one here during the day which is when things start to spiral downwards. I get the adrenaline rush on coming to in the mornings and it never leaves. I've been living this hell for nearly 2 years now with no windows or let ups at all. I lost my job, both my kids have gone in the last year or so and I wonder what purpose I serve. My wife has almost become my carer when she's at home. I'm glued to the sofa which has gotten worse since my seroquel taper started back in August time. I'm trying to finish the last 15mg of that off this month.

I'll keep talking Ali and thank you so much for caring.

xxxxx

[Staz]

33 minutes ago, powerback said:

Big pat on the back from me staz ,you will get there ,dont listen to the nasty depression.

I myself have thought the same way and will again so dig deep your worth it.

Thanks PB.

It's been a hard 20 months. The hardest of my life and I know the struggle to come with valium is going to be harder. I try and be positive but sometimes my morale just deserts me.

Staz

[powerback]

12 minutes ago, Staz said:

Thanks PB.

It's been a hard 20 months. The hardest of my life and I know the struggle to come with valium is going to be harder. I try and be positive but sometimes my morale just deserts me.

Staz

We are only human so be very careful with shame and guilt ,I took a compliment today and accepted it ,I used to always ignore compliments ,when we can we need to actively change our thinking ,my point is never give up .today is a day for self compassion  and distraction for you,I can spend hours on youtube and I noticed after a movie the other night that my intrusive thoughts left me alone while watching it ,that's a miracle and unnerving lol.

The reason I respect this forum so much is because having people going through the same thing and the support of members and mods is invaluable .

maybe you have a closet that needs cleaning ,I do stuff like that when I'm bad .

Don't think about the Valium taper when stressed ,it just creates a spiral.i made a decision with the help of a mod that I should hold longer so ile do that and not dwell on it .

 

[Staz]

2 minutes ago, powerback said:

We are only human so be very careful with shame and guilt ,I took a compliment today and accepted it ,I used to always ignore compliments ,when we can we need to actively change our thinking ,my point is never give up .today is a day for self compassion  and distraction for you,I can spend hours on youtube and I noticed after a movie the other night that my intrusive thoughts left me alone while watching it ,that's a miracle and unnerving lol.

The reason I respect this forum so much is because having people going through the same thing and the support of members and mods is invaluable .

maybe you have a closet that needs cleaning ,I do stuff like that when I'm bad .

Yes. It can be totally consuming. I feel like a rabbit trapped in the headlights at times. I can't see a way out then the rumination, guilt and shame consume me.

Thanks PB.

[powerback]

1 minute ago, Staz said:

Yes. It can be totally consuming. I feel like a rabbit trapped in the headlights at times. I can't see a way out then the rumination, guilt and shame consume me.

Thanks PB.

I gave my uncle some advice the other day I used on  myself when I'm bad with rumination [he had drink induced fear] .

the jist of it was "look don't let it fester you haven't hurt anyone or committed a crime ,there are prisoners  and serious criminals that don't even think like this .my point is we are good people that are going through hard times and we need to tell the guilt and shame to f**ck off .

Accept all the love and care from your wife ,you and all of us are worth it .

PB 

 

[Staz]

That's good advice PB. I'm hoping to start DBT early this year and I'm hoping that it will help me.

Staz

[powerback]

6 minutes ago, Staz said:

That's good advice PB. I'm hoping to start DBT early this year and I'm hoping that it will help me.

Staz

Whats DBT staz

[Staz]

Dialectic behavioral therapy.

 

[AliG]

Staz, could you please make your signature a little clearer?  What drugs are you still on?

 

Diazepam 12 mg. What times do you take it?  Doses of how many mg ?

 

Mirtazapine 15 mg ~  what time?

 

Dosulepin? Are you still on it? Times?

 

Thank You. Please keep notes on times, doses and symptoms over the next week.

[Staz]

5 minutes ago, AliG said:

taz, could you please make your signature a little clearer?  What drugs are you still on?

 

Diazepam 12 mg. What times do you take it?  Doses of how many mg ?

 

Mirtazapine 15 mg ~  what time?

 

Dosulepin? Are you still on it? Times?

 

Thank You. Please keep notes on times, doses and symptoms over the next week.

All current meds in bold type now with times taken. I keep a diary of any changes of doses and symptoms in a Word file. I hope this helps Ali.

[powerback]

20 minutes ago, powerback said:

Whats DBT staz

its ok staz I googled it .it looks interesting .remember some times we need to just rest also ,finding the balance can be tricky .

[Altostrata]

16 hours ago, Staz said:

My psychiatrist has been on the phone gain this morning still pushing ECT or Lamictal (Lamotrigine). I was tempted but have turned both down for the time being. I'd take anyhting if it was guaranteed to make me feel better but after all this time and drugs I've tried I don't think there is any drug or treatment that will help.

 

"Depression" is a recognized side effect of diazepam. Do you think that might be affecting you?

 

Did you do a interactions check of your current drugs at https://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.html ? If not, please do, and copy and paste the results in this topic. 

[Staz]

4 hours ago, Altostrata said:

"Depression" is a recognized side effect of diazepam. Do you think that might be affecting you?

 

Did you do a interactions check of your current drugs at https://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.html ? If not, please do, and copy and paste the results in this topic. 

Hi Alto,

I think it is the diazepam which is causing the problem of the depression but I'm nearing the end of my seroquel taper and probably need to finish that off first.

Chessie did the drug interaction check and the results are on page 1 of my introduction.

I've not felt well since a few weeks from my diazepam reinstatement 18 months ago. I was ok for a month then the depression hit. I was blaming it on lyrica and tapered that first finishing in July 17 coming down from 300mg in Jan 17.

I chose to taper Seroquel from a risk reduction perspective next after reading your post on the subject of poly drugging and which order to taper the drugs in.

Thanks for responding to my post Alto.

Staz

[Staz]

Another grim day of black depression. I've 14 days left of my Seroquel taper and looking forward to starting to taper my Valium as I'm sure it's sustaining my depression. Hopefully I'll have a little more in the way of energy once the Seroquel effects have worn off.

[Kristine]

Hi Staz, Just dropping by to let you know I haven't forgotten about you! You have probably read it's been a little tougher for me lately.  As it has been for you.  All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep,our heads above water.  Is there anything you can do to distract yourself?  I find listening to podcasts very helpful (usually in bed!).  From my own experience it is very difficult to think clearly, let alone have any energy when taking seroquel, especially when taken in unison with diazepam.  You have so many chemicals contributing to your feelings of depression.  Just try to remember this does not 'define' who you are nor does any 'diagnosis' pulled from the DSM.  I think I will refer to it from now on as the "Deceptive Sigmatising Manual" ...much more appropriate 😉 K