DMV64: reinstate Saphris?

[Rosetta]

A big hug, DMV.  I relate to so much of what you say about the emotional side of this.  I too think about death and dying a lot especially when I wake to anxiety and cortisol in the night.  I tell my self that it's my brain misfiring.  It's not real.  It's just a mistake, and I try to ignore it.  I even find myself whispering "I'm dying."  I know I'm not.  It's so very strange.  Getting sunlight seems to help somewhat.

[DMV64]

Oh Rosetta! It’s so hard sometimes. It happens to me when I’m feeling overwhelmed and then I can’t even tell if it’s anxiety or depression I’m feeling I just feel like I can’t go on. It’s hard to remember that there are times when I feel OK when I’m in the state of mind. It just feels like it’s a long road that will never end.

[Rosetta]

I know.  It's really hard.   Keep remembering that it will change.  Sometimes watching a show helps to take my mind off of it.  The middle of the night is the worst.  All I can do is breathe and get my should wrap heated.

[Carmie]

5 hours ago, DMV64 said:

Oh Rosetta! It’s so hard sometimes. It happens to me when I’m feeling overwhelmed and then I can’t even tell if it’s anxiety or depression I’m feeling I just feel like I can’t go on. It’s hard to remember that there are times when I feel OK when I’m in the state of mind. It just feels like it’s a long road that will never end.

 

Hi DMV, 

Hope u are coping as best you can.

 

Yes, dealing with withdrawals certainly is no walk in the park. Not only do we have physical symptoms but the emotional ups and downs are extremely hard. 

 

Our brains are so haywire. We tend to obsess about things and play things over and over again in our minds.

 

I watch lots of DVDs and Netflix to try and distract myself. When you’re in a major wave though you can’t even concentrate on that. I still put something on though for distraction even if I can’t keep up with is happening in the show or movie.

 

When in a wave I can’t just sit there. I have to do something with my hands too so I crochet. One of those stress balls might be good too, you can play with it while watching shows. I got one the other day off eBay but it was too hard. I’ll have to get a softer one, I’ve seen them in the cheapy shops.

 

Thinking of you and sending hugs💚

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[DMV64]

3 hours ago, Carmie said:

brains are so haywire

Yes they are. I try to use my tools but when in waves it can be really difficult to access. I started knitting but I am not very good at it yet. I would love to learn to crochet! How long have you been doing it??

[DMV64]

9 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Keep remembering that it will change

This is the thing that saves me. I need to notice small progress. Maybe I will try TV as a distraction. Have not tried that yet. Do you get up at night or just stay in bed?

[Rosetta]

I stay in bed.  I can't stand the artificial lights in the night.  My eyes hurt if I turn them on.  I'm also afraid I'll be up all not get if I watch TV, and it also hurts my eyes.  I just breathe or heat up my shoulder wrap.

[Carmie]

23 hours ago, DMV64 said:

Yes they are. I try to use my tools but when in waves it can be really difficult to access. I started knitting but I am not very good at it yet. I would love to learn to crochet! How long have you been doing it??

 

Glad you’ve got tools when in waves DMV, 

 

Ive been crocheting since I was a teenager. All I’m doing at the moment though is making blankets with the same stitch over n over again n giving the blankets to friends as presents. I find I can’t just sit there n watch DVDs or Netflix. I need to do something with my hands too. 

 

With distractions I need  to keep things as simple as possible. Keep up with your knitting, just makes scarves for friends. It’s not difficult. Before I made crocheted blankets for people I used to knit scarves for them. There’s just something about not only distracting yourself but in the end also having presents to give to others.

 

Take care my fellow sufferer, sending hugs xxxxxx

[DMV64]

@Carmie @Rosetta

I wish I was a little better at knitting. I know it takes time. I think I have to abandon the piece I am working on-I bought really thin yarn and am using small needles and it is just too hard. I am thinking to go back to the store and get thick yarn and BIG needles! I find I am better when I am busy. Too much free time is not my friend, and neither is isolation although I sometimes feel like hiding in the house. 

It is hard for me to accept it is this difficult to get off these drugs. Sometimes I feel so alone. But I come here and I read your signatures and stories and I know it is not just me. I just pray that someday I will be free and not in withdrawal. Hope you are all having a good day today.

[Carmie]

15 hours ago, DMV64 said:

@Carmie @Rosetta

I wish I was a little better at knitting. I know it takes time. I think I have to abandon the piece I am working on-I bought really thin yarn and am using small needles and it is just too hard. I am thinking to go back to the store and get thick yarn and BIG needles! I find I am better when I am busy. Too much free time is not my friend, and neither is isolation although I sometimes feel like hiding in the house. 

It is hard for me to accept it is this difficult to get off these drugs. Sometimes I feel so alone. But I come here and I read your signatures and stories and I know it is not just me. I just pray that someday I will be free and not in withdrawal. Hope you are all having a good day today.

 

Hi DMV, 

 

Yes, it’s hard in withdrawals and we’re all struggling but it’s good to have distractions. 

 

Do get back n get some more wool. I find knitting n crocheting very therapeutic. I’m crocheting blankets in an 8 ply wool. It takes either eight or ten balls of wool to make a blanket and I’m sure I’ve made over a hundred for friends so far. I just do the same stitch over n over again while I’m watching DVDs or Netflix or listening to music. 

 

Yes, we need to fill our free time with distractions. 

 

Also, like you said, isolation isn’t a good thing either. I spend time with friends every week but I also spend lots of time on my own. I’ts a matter of finding a good balance.

 

By the way, before I started crocheting blankets for friends I was knitting scarves for them. I think I made over a hundred of those as well. Crocheting n knitting help keep me sane n in the end I have presents to give to people. It’s win win. 

 

Happy knitting DMV xx

[DMV64]

8 hours ago, Carmie said:

scarves

 I would like to knit a scarf. It seems pretty simple. I somehow wound up on a pattern and is a shawl! 

I feel like lately I’ve been finding a better balance between alone time and time with friends. Now I have a little more sense of community. And that’s very important to me.

[DMV64]

I am on way to Brooklyn to visit son. Wish I was not so anxious. 

[DMV64]

Just had lunch with somebody who just happened to do a rapid taper off her Clonopin. It didn’t sound like a picnic but in three months time she is getting her brains back. I could not help feeling jealous. I feel like I’m suffering anyway. 

[Carmie]

On 5/2/2018 at 8:43 PM, DMV64 said:

 I would like to knit a scarf. It seems pretty simple. I somehow wound up on a pattern and is a shawl! 

I feel like lately I’ve been finding a better balance between alone time and time with friends. Now I have a little more sense of community. And that’s very important to me.

 

Hi DMV, 

Im so glad you’re finding a good balance between time alone n with friends. 

 

I think its important to do things with friends but at the same time not too much not too much because the continual overstimulation wouldn’t be good for our nervous systems.

 

Have fun knitting your scarf. I find that knitting and crocheting are the two best distractions for me when going through waves. 

 

Have a nice time with your son today. If you feel overwhelmed while there at times because of your anxiety just go into a bedroom for a bit of alone time. 

 

Knowing that the person you met today is recovering, even though you’re recovering slower, is a sign of hope we can recover. 

 

Take care💚

[DMV64]

14 hours ago, Carmie said:

recovering slower,

Thanks Carmie. I try to remember this is recovery, even though it feels very bad sometimes. I just want to feel better I guess and it is frustrating sometimes when it feels like there is so much to know (Histimines, cortisol, other influences) and how will I ever get the balance right? I had a lovely time with my son. I really miss him. Wish I could see him for dinners regularly.

[DMV64]

 I’m feeling really confused. This is a topic that I have spoken about here before. Also I am dictating this so I hope it comes out OK. When I was visiting my son in Brooklyn I went to a meeting. It was my old 12-step home group. And I happened to run into somebody who coincidentally had been trying to get off of Clonopin and  wound up doing a rapid taper, which did not sound like a picnic, but three months later and she’s feeling much better. I can’t really help but feel jealous and feel like I am suffering through my days and just wants this to be over. Another person as the meeting is an addiction nurse and mention partial hospitalization program or outpatient rehab I would like to think that one of those would be possible for me but I know at least from what has been said here but it probably isn’t. I’m just getting tired. I’m tired of feeling every day like I’m battling and just reaching for every tool I can find. And right now partial hospitalization actually sounds good which is kind of Frightening really. Anyway sorry to be so negative but I’m really fed up.

[wantrelief]

Thank you for your note on my thread, DMV.  I really understand how you are feeling.  I am jealous of the person you talked to who got off of Klonopin so quickly as well!  I fantasize about going to one of those programs where they take you off meds quickly just to be done with this but the reality is that we would probably end up a lot worse off.  The person you met was lucky as it doesn't seem most people would come out of one of those programs doing so well after 3 months.  I know how you feel though, tired and battling everyday.  I feel the same way....you are not alone.

[DMV64]

On 5/4/2018 at 6:30 PM, Carmie said:

10 minutes ago, wantrelief said:

Thank you for your note on my thread, DMV.  I really understand how you are feeling.  I am jealous of the person you talked to who got off of Klonopin so quickly as well!  I fantasize about going to one of those programs where they take you off meds quickly just to be done with this but the reality is that we would probably end up a lot worse off.  The person you met was lucky as it doesn't seem most people would come out of one of those programs doing so well after 3 months.  I know how you feel though, tired and battling everyday.  I feel the same way....you are not alone.

Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone because of right now I really feel that way. Something about talking to her just made me feel like this is not fair or something like that. And I’m glad I got to go over to your thread because half the time my brain is scrambled eggs I can’t even read peoples the roads!Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone because of right now I really feel that way. Something about talking to her just made me feel like this is not fair or something like that. And I’m glad I got to go over to your thread because half the time my brain is scrambled eggs I can’t even read peoples threads!

[Carmie]

Sorry to hear you’re feeling alone DMV, 

 

I’m sorry you felt bad after talking to your friend.

 

Yep, it doesn’t seem fair when people recover quickly after a rapid taper while some of us have to struggle for many, many years. I know people that have come off antidepressants cold turkey without withdrawals at all. Our bodies are all so different. I’m sensitive to every little change.

 

Like you, all of us would just like to wake up one morning n finally be over this ordeal. Can you imagine that day? It will eventually come, we just don’t know when n that makes it hard. 

 

Please dont feel alone, there is a lot of support here, sending u a BIG, BIG HUG 

 

 

[DMV64]

55 minutes ago, Carmie said:

BIG, BIG HUG

Thank you ❤️ I can really feel isolated. Then I try to get on here and connect but my brain is so foggy I can't really concentrate. I think I am feeling better and another wave hits. I know it will get better, at least I have hope that it will. It is very hard to live this way and I am glad you are out there.

[Rosetta]

I'm so sorry that upset you.  I know that feeling of Why is this happening to me?  Didn't I get the short end of the stick when I was born to a crummy mother?  Does this have to happen, too?  Why me?

 

Sadly, that person will probably be in our shoes someday just because getting off that drug was so easy.  She won't think twice about taking more chances, and it seems that every drug, every CT, every fast taper or missed dose sets us up for disaster.  

 

I had no idea that missing doses was dangerous and no one told me either.  

 

Well, you are not alone, and I'm so glad you know that a fast taper is very, very dangerous.  Hang in there, honey!  Hugs!

 

Peace, Rosetta

[DMV64]

8 hours ago, Rosetta said:

fast taper is very, very dangerous

I don't understand why they do it this way medically? Is it just insurance? The nurse I was speaking to is in RECOVERY! Even she was recommending it.

[DMV64]

I feel determined to have a good day. I went for a run. I have group today. It's a nice day.

[Rosetta]

4 hours ago, DMV64 said:

I don't understand why they do it this way medically? Is it just insurance? The nurse I was speaking to is in RECOVERY! Even she was recommending it.

 

They see all drugs the same way.   They don't understand how the drugs work.  It was thought that cold turkey was the only way to get off of street drugs, and maybe for some of them that is true.  (I don't know much about that.) They are transferring that "wisdom" to any "addiction."  Each drug is slightly different and requires a different approach as even street drugs can result in withdrawal syndrome, but I don't know if it lasts as long as AD and benzo WD syndrome.  The dependence is different with ADs and benzos -- much, much different from a physiological perspective, of course.  ADs and benzos change the brain to a much greater degree.  We don't "crave" them; we simply become destabilized and very ill without them.  

 

Yes, it's insurance issue, of course, but also, that nurse must have a milder case of WD than we do.  She may be in for a surprise down the line, too.

 

Take care, R

[DMV64]

@rosetta @Carmie  @JanCarol  @wantreliefHey! Guess what?! I had almost a whole good day! I even felt real peace and joy in the afternoon! Oh my gosh I am so happy right now to have this window!!

[wantrelief]

That is wonderful news, DMV....can't get better than feeling real peace and joy! 

 

[Rosetta]

Yes!! So happy for you!  Bask in it!

[Carmie]

3 hours ago, DMV64 said:

@rosetta @Carmie  @JanCarol  @wantreliefHey! Guess what?! I had almost a whole good day! I even felt real peace and joy in the afternoon! Oh my gosh I am so happy right now to have this window!!

 

I’m so happy for you DMV, 

 

Windows eventually come. I’m still getting windows and waves but the windows have been getting longer recently. 

 

Again I’m so happy that you’re happy. It’s nice to feel a bit of peace and joy💚

[DMV64]

I am still having pretty significant morning anxiety that does not go away until the afternoon, I would say after my Geoden dose kicks in. Otherwise I feel I am generally doing better. This makes me think I need to split this dose (it has a very short half life) in a more 50/50 way. I am not supposed to change anything according to suggestions here but I am really wondering about this at this point. I am wondering moderator thoughts?

[DMV64]

So Maybe I need to have mu cortisol tested?

[DMV64]

@Rosetta @wantrelief @Carmie @JanCarol @InvisibleUnless

Friends. I just got a possible PT job offer at the local food coop. Since I am wary of any changes to my schedule I am wondering what people think. It is just 10 hours a week, but is on Wed and Sun evening clean up crew 5-10 pm. Not sure yet is there is mobility on time. So...my concerns are: Bedtime is 10PM. I am kind of strict about it because it goes along with all my drug times. Also the hours are right in the middle of taking a liquid titrate with food and a few other drug times.

Would this be good for me? To get out, have a work family? Or is it not the right opportunity?? Need help!

 

[JanCarol]

Hey D - 

 

Wow - Auntie Bea wrote:

On 4/25/2018 at 12:39 AM, AuntieBea said:

if I can consciously make the shift from saying to myself, I AM afraid, to I FEEL afraid  it helps me disconnect enough from the gripping sense of fear to be able to recognize that it’s just another feeling. “I” am more than “it”  is.  It brings me back to this present moment, and the reality in this present moment is that I am safe, all is well in this moment.

 

Wow, that's huge, so I'm going to make it huge and post it again!

 

On 4/25/2018 at 4:38 AM, AuntieBea said:

if that’s how some people are able to write such long, impressive posts

 

Well, no, I type about 120 wpm...it's actually a problem because there's no "editor" on my fingers and my ability to type fast means I'm wordy!  😸

Talking to your computer?  You people talk to your computers?  (talk about not tech savvy!  I won't let my 'puter have a camera or a microphone - it's just too complicated!)

 

On 4/26/2018 at 10:24 AM, DMV64 said:

My daughter is blasting rap music.

 

OMG I experienced frustrated, infuriated and irritated just thinking about this.  And it could easily progress into provoked, hostile and furious!  

I'd suggest headphones, but she might hurt her ears... (I know I did when I was her age)

 

Maybe this is a thing to have a chat about.
 

On 4/29/2018 at 9:37 PM, DMV64 said:

Yesterday I just felt trapped and fearful.

 

Excellent use of descriptive words!

 

On 4/29/2018 at 9:37 PM, DMV64 said:

I thought is my fear really here to teach me something? Or is it just medically induced and I am suffering it?

 

Yes, and yes.  

 

Alan Alda was asked how he would decide what project he would do next, and he said, "I find the thing I'm most afraid of, and do that."

 

But - there is the medically induced part - so be kind to yourself.  This is not a time to pour on the stress.

 

On 4/30/2018 at 7:03 AM, Rosetta said:

Getting sunlight seems to help somewhat.

Rosetta found a good one!  I think that walks in the sunlight may be the key practice that got me through.  Even now, when I feel the sun on my skin - even if I don't have time for soaking in it, I can face it, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and express appreciation and gratitude for the feeling of warmth and light it provides.

 

On 4/30/2018 at 11:22 AM, DMV64 said:

It just feels like it’s a long road that will never end.

 

It is only temporary.  That might be some good self talk for you:  "It's only symptoms, it's drug induced symptoms, it is only temporary.  Just a week ago, I had a window.  These symptoms will pass - they may change, but they will pass.  It's only temporary."

 

I was just listening to a talk by Olga Runciman (Denmark).  She says that the people who get better were the ones who focused outwardly, not inwardly.  Introspection was not a good thing in psych drug withdrawal.

 

On 5/1/2018 at 8:41 PM, Carmie said:

Keep up with your knitting

 

Knitting, like walking, is great for healing your nervous system.  It requires both hands, a certain amount of relaxation response, and has a rhythm which is soothing to the brain.

 

On 5/7/2018 at 9:40 PM, DMV64 said:

On 5/7/2018 at 1:33 PM, Rosetta said:

fast taper is very, very dangerous

I don't understand why they do it this way medically? Is it just insurance?

 

They are instructed by pharma reps.

 

When symptoms arise - they call it "relapse" and don't see that it is the drugs.

 

After all, most of us have thought, "Oh, I'm going crazy/depressed/manic/etc. again" and "I guess I need those danged drugs," at some point in our life, and the doctors just have this reinforced more firmly, because they make their living with it.
 

* * *

That's all I have tonight, maybe more tomorrow and - 

 

I hope you see the sun today!!!! 

[JanCarol]

42 minutes ago, DMV64 said:

Friends. I just got a possible PT job offer at the local food coop. Since I am wary of any changes to my schedule I am wondering what people think. It is just 10 hours a week, but is on Wed and Sun evening clean up crew 5-10 pm. Not sure yet is there is mobility on time. So...my concerns are: Bedtime is 10PM. I am kind of strict about it because it goes along with all my drug times. Also the hours are right in the middle of taking a liquid titrate with food and a few other drug times.

Would this be good for me? To get out, have a work family? Or is it not the right opportunity?? Need help!

 

 

Okay, let's look at this yogically.

Go into Yoga Nidra for at least 10 minutes.

Then ask your different body parts what they think of this.

 

What do your feet think? (do they want to walk into it or away from it?)

What do your knees think? (are you flexible & adaptible enough to do this?)

What does your lower belly think?  Your solar plexus?  

 

Your heart?

 

Your spine? (what about different parts of your spine?)

Your throat?

 

Your hands?

 

Your face?  Your eyes?  Your mouth?

Your left brain?  Your right brain?  Your frontal lobe?

What parts of your body are eager for this opportunity?  What parts are reluctant, or object?  Where is the fear?  Where is the pleasure?  Can you follow your pleasure into this opportunity?  Would it give you security to help if the studio is no longer a thing?

 

Then, when you come out of yoga nidra, stretch and wiggle all of those places, and ask yourself:  Is this for me?

Then, you can do the mental / emotional exercise (fully informed by your body's wisdom), of pros and cons.

I can't make the decision for you, but perhaps this little exercise will put you in touch with the intuition you need to make the decision.

Edited May 10, 2018 by JanCarol

[DMV64]

On 5/6/2018 at 8:21 PM, Carmie said:

BIG HUG 

Thank you so much. I

 

1 hour ago, JanCarol said:

exercise

Thank you. I will try it❤️

[DMV64]

1 hour ago, JanCarol said:

medically

This is the part that I can barely stand. The very chemical feeling of the morning into the afternoon anxiety state that I live in. I’m doing as much as I possibly can for myself and I still feel like most days I suffer through it. When I get the occasional window it is a godsend

[DMV64]

2 hours ago, JanCarol said:

decision

I made an inquiry into my body and my mind. And my spirit. I think the answer is a little complex. This is in not exactly the right opportunity because of the hours and it interferes with my home group recovery meeting as well. But it is an opportunity to show interest and ask about possible variations or other opportunities