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☼ Introducing Jemima


Jemima

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Just want to reaffirm here. Jemima, earlier in your post you talked about your job stress and the people you had to work with contributed to your stress. I got the impression (maybe wrong and projecting here) that perhaps if you had been thinking straight your retirement could have been postponed ( you said something about "made some decisions " that weren't correct) and I just want to give my perspective on a somewhat similar situation.

I don't regret the decision to retire, but I do think I could have prepared better if I hadn't been "high" on Lexapro. I could have postponed retirement indefinitely, but at the time I believed that the job had caused my depression and that getting out was the best thing to do. Shortly after that, I concluded that Lipitor, the cholesterol drug, had made the depression far worse than it might have been (and likely even caused it) and quit taking the Lipitor. By the time my September retirement date came around I was quite "high" on Lexapro and didn't make any retirement plans at all except for some daydreaming. I saw my doctor within a week or two of retiring and began withdrawing from Lexapro per her instructions, and that, as we all know, is when the stuff hit the fan.

 

On the one hand, I could have tolerated the job six months or a year longer, but I would also likely have kept on taking the Lexapro to put up with all the stresses. I really hate to think of what another year or more on Lexapro would have done to my brain and my life. I believe that God has a very detailed and individual plan for each of his children and that retiring when I did was part of that plan. Why? I don't know yet, and I may never know, but I do know that God loves his children dearly and turns bad things into good things for our sakes. I believe He wanted me out of there and off the drugs at that very time.

 

 

So if you are mourning "having" to retire just know that we all do what we have to do.

I think there is some mourning involved and for most people, especially those in high stress, professional, demanding jobs, having so much free time all of a sudden is a shock. And there's a loss of status as well, in that I used to be "An auditor for Big Deal Government Agency", and now I'm just "a retired CPA".

 

 

You have done a herculian task of kicking the chemicals Jemima. That is awesome. I hope that you aren't perseverating on the job thing; I am afraid of this happening to me too; and hope my loooooooong comment helps a little. I changed jobs, better people, but I still "have" to retire and with no regrets. Let's look forward.

 

I agree about looking forward. There's really no point in ruminating on what might have been when the past can't be changed. I'm building a different sort of life now and I have to keep reminding myself that it's been only two and a half months since I was able to go back to church and start getting out again, so I'm not doing badly at all. :)

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

While I'm here I may as well leave a short update. Normal feelings are coming back. Not all at once, but a bit more each day, and feelings of sadness and fear have considerably diminished. Some days I can still sleep an enormous amount of time, but I'm also capable of getting up reasonably early and doing things in the morning. It's been slightly over a year since I cut my first 10 mg. Lexapro tab in half and the nightmare began.

 

The jury is still out on my weak arm muscles. The physical therapists are going to give me a home exercise program to work on because I haven't made much progress in two months and they're afraid my insurance is going to quit paying. I saw my doctor yesterday and she thinks the problem is frozen shoulders, and I hope, hope, hope she's right because that can be fixed by exercise, although it can take six months to three years. She is asking my insurance company to pay for an MRI for each shoulder and I won't know if they'll approve it until sometime Monday.

 

Life goes on.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Weak arm muscles is something that can linger, so don't worry over it. So glad so you are having so much improvement.

 

Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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Very glad to hear you're doing well, Jemima. I remember when you were having trouble getting out at all - not that long ago.

 

I hope you can get the MRIs and make progress with your arms.

 

B

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I'm building a different sort of life now and I have to keep reminding myself that it's been only two and a half months since I was able to go back to church and start getting out again, so I'm not doing badly at all. :)

 

I am glad that you can see your own progress. That in itself is progress... being able to see and feel it. Don't you think? It means that you are able to " tune in " with yourself. I'm afraid that drugs can sure mess that up.... being on them and coming off of them.

Fall 1995 xanax, zoloft. switched to Serzone

1996- spring 2003serzone/ xanax/ lightbox.

b]Fall 2003- Fall 2004? Lexapro 10 mg. Light box /4 mg. xanax.[/b]

2004 - Fall of 2009 10 mg Lex, 150 mg Wellbutrin XL % 4 mg xanax

November 2009- Sept. 2011 10 mg lex., 300 Well. XL, 4 mg Xanax [/b

Sept.2012- July 2012 20 mg Lex 300 Well. XL, 4 mg Xanax

My mantra " go slow & with the flow "

3/2/13.. Began equal dosing 5 Xs /day xanax, while simultaneously incorporating a 2.5 % drop ( from 3.5 mg/day to 3.4 mg/day)

4/6/13 dropped from 300 mg. Wellbutrin XL to 150 mg. Difficult but DONE! Down to 3.3 mg xanax/ day / 6/10/13 3 mg xanax/day; 7/15/2013 2.88mg xanax/day.

10/ 1/2013...... 2.5 mg xanax… ( switched to tablets again) WOO HOO!!!!!! Holding here… cont. with Lexapro.

1/ 2/2014.. tapered to 18mg ( by weight) of a 26 mg ( by weight) pill of 20 mg tab. lexapro. goal is 13mg (by weight OR 10 mg by ingredient content) and STOPPED. Feeling very down with unbalanced, unpredictable WD symptoms.

1/2/2014- ??? Taking a brain-healing break from tapering anything after actively tapering something for 1.5 years. So… daily doses as of 2/2/2014: 18 mg by weight Lex, 150 mg Well. XL, 2.5 mg xanax, down from 26 mg by weight Lex., 300 mg well. XL, 4 mg xanax in August, 2012. I'll take it. :) 5/8/14 started equivalent dose liquid./ tabs. 5/13/14 1.5 % cut.

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  • Administrator

Good to hear of that improvement, J.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • 1 month later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

I was overly optimistic about getting approval from Aetna for the MRIs. No word as yet. Very frustrating as Blue Cross used to approve a test within a few days, but I couldn't keep the policy when I retired. (I keep putting off calling the doctor's office because I hate using phones. I've been that way for decades and I'm still not sure why. It isn't due to withdrawal). I'm seeing slow improvement from the home exercise program though, I'm glad to say.

 

While I'm still having struggles with episodes of fear and sadness, I'm also having episodes of more positive feelings which are new. I went to a church potluck a couple Saturdays ago and realized that I had actually enjoyed myself for the whole evening. The same thing happened with church and breakfast afterward the next day. Ditto this past Sunday.

 

I also got a small thrill today from discovering that my limited basic cable TV (the cheapest lineup) includes a channel called Inspiration that features Little House on the Prairie, Doctor Quinn, and other cozy old reruns. I haven't been doing any crocheting or other needlework because I dislike trying to do it in dead silence, so here's hoping I get into that more now that there are some good oldies to watch at the same time.

 

At this point it's hard to tell where the sadness is coming from, although I suspect a lot of it is the big letdown I experienced regarding retirement once I was able to be more active near the end of withdrawal. There's so much media hype about retirement being the ultimate prize this side of heaven, and I say a loud, emphatic B.S. to that! That's as misleading as the ads for antidepressants, IMO. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I expected every moment of retirement to be sheer bliss. The only thing to do now is relax and try some new things with no expectations that the new experiences will be spectacular.

 

The fear is still there, but I've always been a fearful person. I'm actually learning to cope with it much better than I ever have by 'staying in the moment' (very difficult) and trusting God to take care of things. He saw me through withdrawal when there was nothing I could do but trust and let Him heal me, and in the long run that strengthened my faith.

 

Overall, I think I'm out of withdrawal except perhaps for the tendency to get sad and discouraged or fearful very easily. It's difficult at this point to tell what's neuro-emotion and what is not. But believe it or not, if I can learn to cope with my personality weaknesses or better yet outgrow them, this rocky ride will have been worth it.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Jemima,

 

I hope you have a very blessed day. You've come a long way. I'm sorry about the sadness and fear you sometimes experience. I think it's just part of our human nature to have these feelings from time to time. The times and the way the economy is, doesn't help these feelings. You are doing the right things, though, socializing, exercising and trusting God. He's going to help us when all else fails. I don't know if you read about the flat tire incident I had a while back, but my faith was definitely strengthened after that. God just let me know that He was in control and was taking care of me. He can take what's bad in our life and make it good. When you feel discouraged, think about "The Footprints in the Sand".

 

I get the INSP channel, too, and "Little House on the Prairie" is just about my favorite show of all times! I love the " cozy old re-runs". I've seen all episodes of "Little House" so many times but never get tired of it.

 

I hope you get approval on the MRIs soon!

 

Love and hugs,

 

Tezza

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  • Administrator

I agree with you, Jemima, recovery has been a test of my ability to learn about myself. Good to hear you're doing so well.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Jemima,

 

I hope you have a very blessed day. You've come a long way. I'm sorry about the sadness and fear you sometimes experience. I think it's just part of our human nature to have these feelings from time to time. The times and the way the economy is, doesn't help these feelings. You are doing the right things, though, socializing, exercising and trusting God. He's going to help us when all else fails. I don't know if you read about the flat tire incident I had a while back, but my faith was definitely strengthened after that. God just let me know that He was in control and was taking care of me. He can take what's bad in our life and make it good. When you feel discouraged, think about "The Footprints in the Sand".

 

I get the INSP channel, too, and "Little House on the Prairie" is just about my favorite show of all times! I love the " cozy old re-runs". I've seen all episodes of "Little House" so many times but never get tired of it.

 

I hope you get approval on the MRIs soon!

 

Love and hugs,

 

Tezza

 

Thanks so much for the encouraging words, tezza. :)

 

I watched two episodes of Little House back to back this afternoon and loved it. One more thing that has given me genuine pleasure over the past two weeks.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I agree with you, Jemima, recovery has been a test of my ability to learn about myself. Good to hear you're doing so well.

 

It's still difficult to be patient though, at least for me. I know that with time and insight and intelligent action my sad and fearful feelings will abate and that someday life will be better (or at least different), but it's still so difficult not to get all uptight because it isn't happening fast enough.

 

It occurred to me on my way home from soup kitchen tonight that I'm probably catastrophizing my feelings on top of having them. As in: "OMG!!! I feel sad! This has to stop IMMEDIATELY or surely I will die! AGH! HELP!" I'm really starting to think that this is the emotional 'logic' behind some of my emotional reactions. I seem to be terrified of feeling bad. :blink:

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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  • Administrator

Right, sometimes you just have to surf the bad ones.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Jemima,

 

I can understand what you mean, the emotionality can constitute a trauma in its own right. It makes you feel very vulnerable and afraid. I have developed a lot of self talk to try

and stop the catastrophizing. I tell myself that its temporary, that it will pass, that I have felt like this before and been OK. I also look to distract myself and avoid anything/anyone that

might exacerbate how I am feeling.

 

I think you have to be patient but also proactive however you can. For me, just waiting gives me too much space to engage how I am feeling and give it too much 'air time'

 

Dalsaan

Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Good advice, Dalsaan. Thank you.

 

I found a Christian book on depression today that's really interesting. The author, Timothy LaHaye (one of the authors of the "Left Behind" series, if you've heard of that), believes that depression is largely due to self-pity. That certainly fits in with catastrophizing, at least the kind I do. I mean, you'd think being bored or lonely was the end of the world, the way I react. There's a copy on the way from Amazon and I can hardly wait to read it.

 

I've been avoiding using the word "depression", but that's really what my feelings of sadness are about and I just don't want to go there any more.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Jemima,

 

I read your last post a few days ago and it's been on my mind. Your experience with adjusting to retirement has been eye opening to me and I'm very grateful for your honesty. It IS a major life change that's sensationalized as a good thing and, for many people, it may be all that it's cracked up to be. Freedom/lack of structure can cause a different form of stress. Only recently have i realized that I've been 'retired' (medical, not chosen) for 11 years. Your honest expression about retirement resonated with me helped me realize why ive been so lost and stuck. THANK YOU.

 

I have to respectfully disagree with depression being caused by self-pity. I think that invalidates whatever deeper feelings are there and blames the person. A variation on "snap out of it/pull yourself up by your bootstraps". This is not to say that self-pity cannot coexist with depression, sadness, grief/loss. JMHO.

I look forward to your thoughts after reading the book.

 

You continue to inspire me. :)

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Jemima,

 

I read your last post a few days ago and it's been on my mind. Your experience with adjusting to retirement has been eye opening to me and I'm very grateful for your honesty. It IS a major life change that's sensationalized as a good thing and, for many people, it may be all that it's cracked up to be. Freedom/lack of structure can cause a different form of stress. Only recently have i realized that I've been 'retired' (medical, not chosen) for 11 years. Your honest expression about retirement resonated with me helped me realize why ive been so lost and stuck. THANK YOU.

 

Glad my posts are helpful.

 

The majority of retirees may not find retirement to be as wonderful as expected, except perhaps for those whose spouses are retired and whose marriages are good enough so that the two of them can enjoy pursuing shared goals. I also know a few who just love to watch TV or hang out at the senior center. But none of the above fit my situation or yours and I'm guessing it's the same for lots of other people. One of the books I read recently, The Joy of Not Working by Ernie Zelinski, has sold 250,000 copies and has been in print for nearly a decade, so there are a lot of people out there who need help structuring weeks and weeks of free time. I suspect also that many of them are too proud to admit to boredom or loneliness.

 

In some ways, my situation is similar to yours in that I believed my health would deteriorate very soon if I didn't retire, so I was motivated more by avoiding a bad medical consequence than by moving toward something positive, even though I believe the latter is the very best way to go. And as I've said before, I was zonked on Lexapro and didn't plan much of anything in that "la-de-da" frame of mind.

 

I have to respectfully disagree with depression being caused by self-pity. I think that invalidates whatever deeper feelings are there and blames the person. A variation on "snap out of it/pull yourself up by your bootstraps". This is not to say that self-pity cannot coexist with depression, sadness, grief/loss. JMHO. I look forward to your thoughts after reading the book.

 

I know I've indulged in self-pity many, many times in my life so perhaps that's why the topic jumped out at me when I was reading excerpts from the book on Amazon. Now that I've got the book and started reading it, the emphasis on self-pity doesn't seem to be there. The author seems to be quite compassionate about depression, and self-pity is only one of many aspects of and contributors to depression.

 

You continue to inspire me. :)

 

Thank you. :blush:

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Yesterday I got a dose of too much stress due to a badly organized volunteer project. I was surprised at how I overreacted and continued to do so after the stress was removed. I was still wound up today to the point that I took an antihistamine to calm down.

 

Wow. I thought I was almost done with withdrawal, but I guess not. I will not be volunteering for any projects led by this particular person again. What a mess!

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I'm sorry to say that my period of upset has continued through today. While I'm over the situation that occurred Friday, I was still somewhat depressed and anxious when I got up this morning and have been prone to those nasty little self-criticisms that are so familiar from withdrawal.

 

I do hope these feelings will settle down faster than they did the first time.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Jemima,

 

I hope things are settling down since the stressor with the volunteer organization. I understand how disconcerting that reaction can be, especially to a person like you who previously handled (far more?) stressful conditions on a regular basis in your career.

 

Having jumped into many activities/groups over the years, I've learned that new settings have potential to be stressful until I'm feeling 'in my element' (that's without withdrawal effects playing in!). Volunteering involves adjustment to new people, policies and expectations (of ourselves and others), similar to dynamics in a for profit organization/job. When negative issues arise in a usually supportive, cooperative group, it is unsettling. That happened to me in a Women's Bible Study i was new to. It threw me for a loop. Learned that people have similar human issues despite the good intentions of the group (as I'm sure you know!).

 

Please forgive my tangential ramblings if they don't apply. I'm the one who really needed that reminder! :o.

 

Have you found anything that helps slow the high anxiety gear?

 

Your stress resilience will return, Jemima. :)

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Thanks, Barb. Your input is spot on.

 

I went through several unsettled, uncomfortable days, but I think I learned a lot from the experience, the main one of which is not to jump to conclusions and panic. I've always had a tendency to get extremely anxious when put on the spot and I realized I just don't want to be that way any more.

 

I still felt shaken last night so I skipped my women's Bible study. To my amazement, I woke up feeling better than I have since before my Lipitor-induced depressive crash over two years ago. I had some energy, some ideas for things to do, and an optimistic attitude. What a strange outcome! Almost as if something that was stuck got jarred loose by the experience. Or maybe it's just that my one year anniversary date of being Lexapro-free is coming up (December 14th), and I've finally turned the corner.

 

I spent this afternoon getting the high traffic area of my (ugh) white kitchen floor really clean for the first time in ages (on my hands and knees with bleach and paper towels) and running the electric hard floor cleaner over most of it afterward. It looks good, and that's enough for today. No need to exhaust myself into a setback.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Great news!

 

Definitely an interesting sequence of events to put you in the best emotional place you've been in since before the Lipitor depressive crash.

 

And clean floors, too ;)

 

B

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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  • Moderator Emeritus

The saga continues.

 

I didn't feel as good (although not bad) this morning and then got a phone message from my Sunday school teacher inviting me to their family Thanksgiving dinner. The dinner will include his wife, son, and daughter; their spouses and six children; plus one mother-in-law and several other people. My first reaction was anxiety, but after I calmed down I decided to accept. My alternative was either going to a community dinner at a church where the company is unpredictable, or just sitting at home alone. Besides, I need some more friends and I'm afraid if I turn them down they'll never ask me again. Maybe if I'm prepared for the confusion and excitement it will be more manageable. My really bad day last week was a complete surprise.

 

I'm hoping that my one day of feeling really good was the first of many more bigger, expanding windows until they become the norm!

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

Thanksgiving was very good, although I had several not-so-good days after that. Oddly, the not-so-good days seem to be bringing me out of neuro-emotion hell. Perhaps it is rapidly alternating windows and waves, with more windows than waves, and the ups and downs are not so exaggerated.

 

Today, for the first time, I experienced some sadness and loneliness that felt like they used to before I ever took an antidepressant. Those feelings felt REAL, not like something that came from a misfired neurological connection, and they also felt manageable.

 

I think I will soon be able to write my success story. :D

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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  • Administrator

I've been told by a knowledgeable doctor that our nervous systems benefit from some challenge.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

Saturday was the anniversary of my having joined SurvivingAntidepressants.org and this coming Friday will mark a year since my last .25 mg. of Lexapro.

 

I'm not all the way home yet, still having some neuro-emotions and not enjoying things I used to enjoy as much (although I am experiencing some enjoyment and the enjoyable experiences are slowly increasing in number), but I've come a long way from the hyperactive, hyper-irritable, insomniac mess I was last year this time.

 

As a Christian I don't believe in coincidences, and so I believe that I was led to this excellent forum just when I needed it, just in time to avoid the misdiagnosis of withdrawal as Bipolar and ending up on the meds merry-go-round for the rest of my life.

 

THANK YOU, ALTO, AND THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SO KIND AND GENEROUS IN YOUR RESPONSES!!!

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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  • Administrator

And thank you, Jemima, for being such a friend in need to those who visit here.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

I need to vent. I am SO sick of being in withdrawal. It's been over a year since I've been off Lexapro and I thought I'd be back to normal by now.

 

Lately I've wanted to isolate a lot and I've cancelled several commitments. Today I just plain feel like crap. Still little to no enthusiasm for things I used to enjoy. Some of it is because of Christmas, which is usually bad because I have no family, but not all of it is.

 

Help! Get me out of here! I'm being held prisoner in someone else's mind! :o

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I need to vent. I am SO sick of being in withdrawal. It's been over a year since I've been off Lexapro and I thought I'd be back to normal by now.

 

Lately I've wanted to isolate a lot and I've cancelled several commitments. Today I just plain feel like crap. Still little to no enthusiasm for things I used to enjoy. Some of it is because of Christmas, which is usually bad because I have no family, but not all of it is.

 

Help! Get me out of here! I'm being held prisoner in someone else's mind! :o

 

LOL,

 

1) Read this article?

 

2) Plan on not feeling better until the season doldrums pass.

 

3) Take a deep breath.. and do something you have wanted to do for some time, something that just feels danged good!

 

 

And I sincerely hope the Day passes soon... so we both feel better. Posted Image

As always, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! A proud supporter of the 10% (or slower) rule.

 

Requip - 3/16 ZERO  Total time on 25 years.

 

Lyrica: 8/15 ZERO Total time on 7 or 8 yrs.

BENZO FREE 10/13 (started tapering 7/10)  Total time on 25 years.

 

Read my intro thread here, and check the about me section.  "No matter how cynical you get, it's almost impossible to keep up." Lily Tomlin

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I read the article, Skyler, and liked it, and I've pretty much decided I'm just expecting too much, too soon. After all, I'm 67 and it now takes me two weeks to get over the flu whereas in my twenties I could bounce out of bed in a few days, as soon as the worst symptoms passed.

 

As for the hedonistic thing...that's a problem. I can't think of a thing I want to do or buy, which is part of withdrawal syndrome. The one thing I'd really like - an invitation to someone's Christmas dinner - isn't do-able from my end.

 

I know this will pass and that someday I will be back to normal, maybe even better than normal because I'll appreciate it more, but there are days like today when I just get so frustrated I want to throw things.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

As for the hedonistic thing...that's a problem. I can't think of a thing I want to do or buy, which is part of withdrawal syndrome. The one thing I'd really like - an invitation to someone's Christmas dinner - isn't do-able from my end.

I'm sorry Jemima.. seems I recall you mentioning you would probably be invited to someone's from your church, or maybe this was for Thanksgiving dinner? I really do know how this feels.. People think everyone in their orbit have family to celebrate with, and we get overlooked.

 

Big hug to ya.. The one thing about Christmas.. it's time limited. Hmm, wish the same were true of WD, but that too has a season.

As always, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! A proud supporter of the 10% (or slower) rule.

 

Requip - 3/16 ZERO  Total time on 25 years.

 

Lyrica: 8/15 ZERO Total time on 7 or 8 yrs.

BENZO FREE 10/13 (started tapering 7/10)  Total time on 25 years.

 

Read my intro thread here, and check the about me section.  "No matter how cynical you get, it's almost impossible to keep up." Lily Tomlin

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I did get invited to Thanksgiving dinner by a couple from church and I'm hoping they'll invite me to Christmas as well. (They issued the Thanksgiving invitation the day before). But I'm not counting on it. If not, I may take myself out for Chinese, or Boston Market if all else fails.

 

Yes, I get frustrated at that attitude that everyone has a family with whom to celebrate. I'm an only child and never had children. My only living relatives are a few cousins with whom I was never close and a cousin-in-law (is there such a thing?) who is in his late eighties and going downhill fast. I'm not sure he's even still alive. Some people know my situation and either don't care or perhaps think their families aren't very presentable. (I sometimes comfort myself by thinking of all the people who detest having to get together with family).

 

Some of this downer is from withdrawal though, I'm sure. Blast.

 

Hugs back.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Jemima,

 

I'm right there with you in misery. A few weeks ago, I thought I would handle it better this year, but I've gone downhill over the past few weeks.

 

I have given the heave-ho to Christmas many years in the past, but there's still that nagging feeling of loneliness, fractured family and that I SHOULD be doing something. The media makes it impossible to escape, too.

 

We are invited to husband's sister's family gathering, but I feel so miserable that I don't know if I'll attend. The last time I got together with them, I left in tears of ridiculous jealousy of the younger generation starting out their own families, careers, lives. This is new since withdrawal. Just mentioning this because, even though I do have a place to go, I'm dreading it.

 

Last night, I had strong urges to THROW things again. I had that early on in w/d, but not since. Until yesterday. Weird that you mention it. Shanti had a theory on urges to THROW (as opposed to hit). I forget exactly how she explained it, but she felt it was a desire to get negative forces away from ourselves.

 

Ive heard of people having "orphan Christmas/Thanksgiving" for people like us who have little or no family or estranged. That sounds like a good idea to me.

 

I wish you PEACE, Jemima.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Jemima

 

I wish I lived closer to you. I would Love to have Christmas dinner with you. You're kind, thoughtful, determined and courageous.

 

My partner and I are having an orphans Xmas with two friends. I'm a bit estranged from my family and my partner is Scottish so her family are not in Australia.

 

If you could find a way to spoil yourself just a little that would be great.

 

Take care

 

Dalsaan xx

Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Jemima,

 

I'm right there with you in misery. A few weeks ago, I thought I would handle it better this year, but I've gone downhill over the past few weeks.

 

I have given the heave-ho to Christmas many years in the past, but there's still that nagging feeling of loneliness, fractured family and that I SHOULD be doing something. The media makes it impossible to escape, too.

 

We are invited to husband's sister's family gathering, but I feel so miserable that I don't know if I'll attend. The last time I got together with them, I left in tears of ridiculous jealousy of the younger generation starting out their own families, careers, lives. This is new since withdrawal. Just mentioning this because, even though I do have a place to go, I'm dreading it.

I've had a number of people tell me they envy my family-less status because they so dread the holiday stress and expense and the get-togethers with relatives they can barely tolerate.

 

Last night, I had strong urges to THROW things again. I had that early on in w/d, but not since. Until yesterday. Weird that you mention it. Shanti had a theory on urges to THROW (as opposed to hit). I forget exactly how she explained it, but she felt it was a desire to get negative forces away from ourselves.

 

Ive heard of people having "orphan Christmas/Thanksgiving" for people like us who have little or no family or estranged. That sounds like a good idea to me.

 

I wish you PEACE, Jemima.

 

A Mennonite church in my area usually has a Christmas dinner on Christmas day, but the woman who started that is having serious medical problems and other church members had to step in. The new leaders, unfortunately, chose to have it December 19th. I hate that. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough to come to the table on the actual holiday.

 

My biggest frustration is not being out of withdrawal yet. I would be just delighted to *crave* something - clothes, books, food, travel, whatever - instead of living in this state of grayness. I'm much better than last year this time, but not entirely well.

 

I hope your Christmas turns out to be a pleasant surprise!

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Jemima

 

I wish I lived closer to you. I would Love to have Christmas dinner with you. You're kind, thoughtful, determined and courageous.

 

My partner and I are having an orphans Xmas with two friends. I'm a bit estranged from my family and my partner is Scottish so her family are not in Australia.

 

If you could find a way to spoil yourself just a little that would be great.

 

Take care

 

Dalsaan xx

 

Thank you so much for the kind words. I'll treasure this post. I hope your Christmas is full of joy and your New Year overflows with blessings!

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Jemima,

 

What have you done for Christmas in past years?

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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