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dluv

I want to turn back time!

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dluv

Every time I run my hand through my hair, sick to my stomach at the sight of my precious hairs falling, maybe never to grow back, I think about it. I know how stupid this sounds -- you can't turn back time. But I can't stop going back to the moment I took my first pill. If I only knew what ensued. I'd give anything to be back, facing the hardships I had at that time, the silly thoughts that drove me here, they seem so petty now. I used to brag about how I never regret anything, I wasn't lying, I truly didn't. Now, the first time I truly experience regret, it seems like the hardest emotion I ever had to tolerate. However silly, unreal, nonsensical this is, I can't stop imagining turning back time. Sometimes I'm trying to talk god into making a bargain; I'd trade all my achievements and talents for the undoing of this one critical moment. Then I release a bitter chuckle, It's futile. Still, I experience it as though it could happen, every single day.

 

Does anybody else feel this way? I'd love to hear your experiences with regret

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Callie

dluv:

 

I just saw your post now, and yes, I feel the same way. No day passes without my regretting ever taking the poisons. I wish so badly that I could go back in time and undo all of this. I know it's not an option, and I just torture myself more by thinking it. Maybe it's neuro-regret.

 

It seems that everything in my life now is before withdrawal and after withdrawal. It hurts so badly. I want to be normal again, well again. I don't remember what it was like. I do know though that the mental illness I suffered from was very tolerable compared to what I am experiencing now day after day without end.

 

I guess I should start thinking that if we were told the truth about how dreadful psychotropic meds are, we would have never taken a single one. It's not our fault. We were betrayed by doctors that we trusted.

 

Thanks, dluv, for mentioning this.

 

Callie

 

 

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Lobomobile

Everyday I wake up I just feel pure pain and the wish to be dead, which results from being unable to turn back time.
This horrific feeling accompanied me through the whole day during my "therapy" and the WD and even after.
1 year passed now and in this year that feeling was not so present anymore, because of an temporal-pseudo-acceptance of my brain damage,
which should lead me to the reputed invisible recovery (possibility).

Now the feeling in the morning came back, after finding myself not finding myself.

Even though I did approve mentally (I can sing again and am not completely depersonalized),
for me as a hobby neuroscientist it seems absolutely impossible to recreate all the axons created through all my life and childhood and school and experiences and first experiences. Yes our brains are plastic so we can form persistent paths by learning, experiencing and also by compensating dysfunctions. Neuroplasticity in no case does mean, that you can bring back what you have lost. You can just create new and sometimes overlaying structures.

So how about that brazenly gifted child willing to explore the entire universe and develop itself with the highest imaginable passion? What about the personality this child actually became as an young adult?
It's dead.
And I wanted to follow her, but I was cut off. Stuck in some kilograms of flesh on a dirty, ill planet.

I already said it as a child that my cognition is my all and that the worst possible thing could happen to me, would be brain damage, **** off my body, **** off money, **** off what people do and think as long as I can think everything and every suffer is alright. This was my appreciation of life. Now I cannot use my possibility trees anymore, i just know they were existent once, my world is gone.

So let's focus on turning back the time dear, together we can make it!
 

LOL I've just imagined that we actually could set back time *measurement and destroy any historic data back to this point, replace our names with those of historic figures of the setting (of course the whole world must agree with this). This would not heal our brains but it would be funny that further generations would assume some of us as aliens because there are too many people for too less parents xDD and the inventions and technology would seemingly fall from the sky. TROLOLOLOL
 

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Altostrata

Which would be easier, turning back time or forgiving yourself for the mistakes you've made in your life?

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JS11
1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

Which would be easier, turning back time or forgiving yourself for the mistakes you've made in your life?

 

Again, thank you for your wisdom, Altostrata.  I have been having some of the same notions....at least I find comfort that I am not alone in that, however futile it may be.   But yes, forgiveness is truly necessary, albeit difficult.  

 

take care,

JS11

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Petunia
On 9/25/2017 at 10:24 PM, dluv said:

I used to brag about how I never regret anything, I wasn't lying, I truly didn't. Now, the first time I truly experience regret, it seems like the hardest emotion I ever had to tolerate.

 

I didn't brag about it, but I had no regrets either.... and like you, now I want to turn back time to that moment I took my first antidepressant. They have ruined my health and my life and I'm not sure I'm ever going to get either of them back.

 

Ive made some bad choices in life, but usually, they have ended up being opportunities for experience, learning and growth, and always with some positive aspect, I could always find a silver lining. Who I chose to marry is an example of this. Unfortunately, this relationship is partly what led me to seeking solutions in medications, rather than dealing with the problem at its cause. I don't really regret marrying my ex-husband, although life might have been more pleasant if I didn't, he has a narcissistic personality and his real agenda and values were quite different from what he told me they were, but my marriage wasn't all bad.

 

I seriously regret medicating myself, rather than dealing with the problem and solving it. Because now, even though I'm free from the relationship, I'm sick from the toxic medicine for an invented fake illness. Yes I was anxious and miserable, but that would be a normal reaction to the situation I was in, especially because I couldn't see an easy solution at that point.

 

The one big regret of my life is believing a brain changing pill would fix me, solve the problem and thus fix my life. But there never was anything wrong with my brain, it was my beliefs and circumstances which were causing the problems. Too late now though, my beliefs and circumstances have changed, but my brain and nervous system function has been damaged.

 

There has been no positive side to this, just meaningless suffering and all the secondary painful emotions which come from learning the truth about medicine, doctors, psychiatry, corruption, greed and how power and money corrupts most of what I used to believe in. I've lost my health, my beliefs, my faith in humanity and my sense of security in this world we live in. I feel like I can't trust anyone, only myself, but that's even worse because I'm the most non-functional I've ever been. The time when I most need help, there's none. Just me, suddenly wide awake, alone and sick in a harsh environment, surrounded by strangers who are still sleepwalking through their lives, mostly oblivious to me and my reality.... a reality they don't yet see.

 

Sometimes I can't figure out if I regret taking those 'anti-depressants, or if I just regret being born onto this planet in the first place.

 

Ok, maybe there is something good which has come from this. I've woken up from the illusory world which surrounds us, like Neo taking the red pill. I'm no longer a slave of the matrix. But did I really have to lose my health and everything which constituted my life in order to see the truth? And if so, what would be the point, I'm too sick and functionally impaired now to do anything with this new found freedom anyway.

 

Maybe its as simple as Alto suggests, that those of us suffering from regret just need to forgive ourselves, for 'choices' we had very little control over. Most of us have been victims of a corrupt and uninformed system, rather than willing participants in a crime. I can forgive myself, I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

 

But along with the forgiveness, I need to find some meaning or value in all this suffering, because its not over. Life seems to be intrinsically meaningless without human created concepts to wrap around it, which is ok when its a pleasant experience or even a neutral one. But when it starts to become uncomfortable, painful and torturous, that's when we desperately need some meaning to cling onto, to keep ourselves afloat.

 

For me, when I focus on the higher purpose of what I'm going through, and realize that truth and reality are values I've sought after my whole life, I come to the conclusion that this was probably necessary. 

 

If I got the chance to go back in time, I don't know which point I would go back to.... and then what? Going back in time would also mean going back to being the brainwashed, emotionally weak, gullible, idealistic asleep person I was, I would still be vulnerable to abuse and manipulation by people and systems who don't have my interests at heart, even though they pretend to.

 

If I can't take my new knowledge, emotional strength and clear vision of reality back with me in time, I think I will stay right here and be grateful I escaped from the control matrix and hang onto hope that I'm going to recover my physical  health  and functionality eventually.... and if I don't, then at least I can be sick on my terms and define my experience in a way that feels true for me. I would rather live an authentic life sick than a compromised life with the illusion of health.

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xXShatteredXx
On 9/25/2017 at 10:24 AM, dluv said:

Every time I run my hand through my hair, sick to my stomach at the sight of my precious hairs falling, maybe never to grow back, I think about it. I know how stupid this sounds -- you can't turn back time. But I can't stop going back to the moment I took my first pill. If I only knew what ensued. I'd give anything to be back, facing the hardships I had at that time, the silly thoughts that drove me here, they seem so petty now. I used to brag about how I never regret anything, I wasn't lying, I truly didn't. Now, the first time I truly experience regret, it seems like the hardest emotion I ever had to tolerate. However silly, unreal, nonsensical this is, I can't stop imagining turning back time. Sometimes I'm trying to talk god into making a bargain; I'd trade all my achievements and talents for the undoing of this one critical moment. Then I release a bitter chuckle, It's futile. Still, I experience it as though it could happen, every single day.

 

Does anybody else feel this way? I'd love to hear your experiences with regret


I'm so sorry. Yes, I do feel that way every day. When I was 16 or 17 I just had pills thrown at me. I was naive and didn't know any better. At that time there were all these commercials about "Non habit forming" zoloft." Just thinking about it makes my blood boil. I do regret going that day where I got drugged because I would have never gotten in this mess, but at the same time none of it is my fault. Zoloft themselves hid information and claimed the drug wasn't habit forming, so how could have my doctor known any better himself? I do feel like my life has been ripped away from me and I expected to be so much more at 30, but we can only go forward not back. Dwelling on what happened is never going to erase what has happened. All we can do is try to get better and move forward the best we can. I'm guilty of lying in bed until 5 pm dwelling on all this also. I look back and wonder what it is I have done to deserve all of this hell. It's tough, but the worst thing you can do is getting lost and trapped in your own negative thoughts. I wish I had a better answer on how to escape all of it, but I don't. You just have to find the strength inside you to keep trucking along. I am housebound currently, but I do try to do things like vacuum, shower, dishes, ect each day to at least try and have some normalcy. 

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ultimatumprisoncell
On 12/27/2017 at 6:06 PM, Altostrata said:

Which would be easier, turning back time or forgiving yourself for the mistakes you've made in your life?

I wish I could undo a lot of things in my life. My most recent damages being the freshest and most painful open wounds I currently endure.

Turning back time cannot happen. At least not as defined by the laws of physics as we know them.

That leaves self-forgiveness (and thus moving on) the only true option. And a difficult one still. A goal to be worked on... 

Well said, and thank you!

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