Jump to content
dluv

I want to turn back time

Recommended Posts

dluv

Every time I run my hand through my hair, sick to my stomach at the sight of my precious hairs falling, maybe never to grow back, I think about it. I know how stupid this sounds -- you can't turn back time. But I can't stop going back to the moment I took my first pill. If I only knew what ensued. I'd give anything to be back, facing the hardships I had at that time, the silly thoughts that drove me here, they seem so petty now. I used to brag about how I never regret anything, I wasn't lying, I truly didn't. Now, the first time I truly experience regret, it seems like the hardest emotion I ever had to tolerate. However silly, unreal, nonsensical this is, I can't stop imagining turning back time. Sometimes I'm trying to talk god into making a bargain; I'd trade all my achievements and talents for the undoing of this one critical moment. Then I release a bitter chuckle, It's futile. Still, I experience it as though it could happen, every single day.

 

Does anybody else feel this way? I'd love to hear your experiences with regret

Share this post


Link to post
Callie

dluv:

 

I just saw your post now, and yes, I feel the same way. No day passes without my regretting ever taking the poisons. I wish so badly that I could go back in time and undo all of this. I know it's not an option, and I just torture myself more by thinking it. Maybe it's neuro-regret.

 

It seems that everything in my life now is before withdrawal and after withdrawal. It hurts so badly. I want to be normal again, well again. I don't remember what it was like. I do know though that the mental illness I suffered from was very tolerable compared to what I am experiencing now day after day without end.

 

I guess I should start thinking that if we were told the truth about how dreadful psychotropic meds are, we would have never taken a single one. It's not our fault. We were betrayed by doctors that we trusted.

 

Thanks, dluv, for mentioning this.

 

Callie

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Lobomobile

Everyday I wake up I just feel pure pain and the wish to be dead, which results from being unable to turn back time.
This horrific feeling accompanied me through the whole day during my "therapy" and the WD and even after.
1 year passed now and in this year that feeling was not so present anymore, because of an temporal-pseudo-acceptance of my brain damage,
which should lead me to the reputed invisible recovery (possibility).

Now the feeling in the morning came back, after finding myself not finding myself.

Even though I did approve mentally (I can sing again and am not completely depersonalized),
for me as a hobby neuroscientist it seems absolutely impossible to recreate all the axons created through all my life and childhood and school and experiences and first experiences. Yes our brains are plastic so we can form persistent paths by learning, experiencing and also by compensating dysfunctions. Neuroplasticity in no case does mean, that you can bring back what you have lost. You can just create new and sometimes overlaying structures.

So how about that brazenly gifted child willing to explore the entire universe and develop itself with the highest imaginable passion? What about the personality this child actually became as an young adult?
It's dead.
And I wanted to follow her, but I was cut off. Stuck in some kilograms of flesh on a dirty, ill planet.

I already said it as a child that my cognition is my all and that the worst possible thing could happen to me, would be brain damage, **** off my body, **** off money, **** off what people do and think as long as I can think everything and every suffer is alright. This was my appreciation of life. Now I cannot use my possibility trees anymore, i just know they were existent once, my world is gone.

So let's focus on turning back the time dear, together we can make it!
 

LOL I've just imagined that we actually could set back time *measurement and destroy any historic data back to this point, replace our names with those of historic figures of the setting (of course the whole world must agree with this). This would not heal our brains but it would be funny that further generations would assume some of us as aliens because there are too many people for too less parents xDD and the inventions and technology would seemingly fall from the sky. TROLOLOLOL
 

Share this post


Link to post
Altostrata

Which would be easier, turning back time or forgiving yourself for the mistakes you've made in your life?

Share this post


Link to post
JS11
1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

Which would be easier, turning back time or forgiving yourself for the mistakes you've made in your life?

 

Again, thank you for your wisdom, Altostrata.  I have been having some of the same notions....at least I find comfort that I am not alone in that, however futile it may be.   But yes, forgiveness is truly necessary, albeit difficult.  

 

take care,

JS11

Share this post


Link to post
Petunia
On 9/25/2017 at 10:24 PM, dluv said:

I used to brag about how I never regret anything, I wasn't lying, I truly didn't. Now, the first time I truly experience regret, it seems like the hardest emotion I ever had to tolerate.

 

I didn't brag about it, but I had no regrets either.... and like you, now I want to turn back time to that moment I took my first antidepressant. They have ruined my health and my life and I'm not sure I'm ever going to get either of them back.

 

Ive made some bad choices in life, but usually, they have ended up being opportunities for experience, learning and growth, and always with some positive aspect, I could always find a silver lining. Who I chose to marry is an example of this. Unfortunately, this relationship is partly what led me to seeking solutions in medications, rather than dealing with the problem at its cause. I don't really regret marrying my ex-husband, although life might have been more pleasant if I didn't, he has a narcissistic personality and his real agenda and values were quite different from what he told me they were, but my marriage wasn't all bad.

 

I seriously regret medicating myself, rather than dealing with the problem and solving it. Because now, even though I'm free from the relationship, I'm sick from the toxic medicine for an invented fake illness. Yes I was anxious and miserable, but that would be a normal reaction to the situation I was in, especially because I couldn't see an easy solution at that point.

 

The one big regret of my life is believing a brain changing pill would fix me, solve the problem and thus fix my life. But there never was anything wrong with my brain, it was my beliefs and circumstances which were causing the problems. Too late now though, my beliefs and circumstances have changed, but my brain and nervous system function has been damaged.

 

There has been no positive side to this, just meaningless suffering and all the secondary painful emotions which come from learning the truth about medicine, doctors, psychiatry, corruption, greed and how power and money corrupts most of what I used to believe in. I've lost my health, my beliefs, my faith in humanity and my sense of security in this world we live in. I feel like I can't trust anyone, only myself, but that's even worse because I'm the most non-functional I've ever been. The time when I most need help, there's none. Just me, suddenly wide awake, alone and sick in a harsh environment, surrounded by strangers who are still sleepwalking through their lives, mostly oblivious to me and my reality.... a reality they don't yet see.

 

Sometimes I can't figure out if I regret taking those 'anti-depressants, or if I just regret being born onto this planet in the first place.

 

Ok, maybe there is something good which has come from this. I've woken up from the illusory world which surrounds us, like Neo taking the red pill. I'm no longer a slave of the matrix. But did I really have to lose my health and everything which constituted my life in order to see the truth? And if so, what would be the point, I'm too sick and functionally impaired now to do anything with this new found freedom anyway.

 

Maybe its as simple as Alto suggests, that those of us suffering from regret just need to forgive ourselves, for 'choices' we had very little control over. Most of us have been victims of a corrupt and uninformed system, rather than willing participants in a crime. I can forgive myself, I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

 

But along with the forgiveness, I need to find some meaning or value in all this suffering, because its not over. Life seems to be intrinsically meaningless without human created concepts to wrap around it, which is ok when its a pleasant experience or even a neutral one. But when it starts to become uncomfortable, painful and torturous, that's when we desperately need some meaning to cling onto, to keep ourselves afloat.

 

For me, when I focus on the higher purpose of what I'm going through, and realize that truth and reality are values I've sought after my whole life, I come to the conclusion that this was probably necessary. 

 

If I got the chance to go back in time, I don't know which point I would go back to.... and then what? Going back in time would also mean going back to being the brainwashed, emotionally weak, gullible, idealistic asleep person I was, I would still be vulnerable to abuse and manipulation by people and systems who don't have my interests at heart, even though they pretend to.

 

If I can't take my new knowledge, emotional strength and clear vision of reality back with me in time, I think I will stay right here and be grateful I escaped from the control matrix and hang onto hope that I'm going to recover my physical  health  and functionality eventually.... and if I don't, then at least I can be sick on my terms and define my experience in a way that feels true for me. I would rather live an authentic life sick than a compromised life with the illusion of health.

Share this post


Link to post
xXShatteredXx
On 9/25/2017 at 10:24 AM, dluv said:

Every time I run my hand through my hair, sick to my stomach at the sight of my precious hairs falling, maybe never to grow back, I think about it. I know how stupid this sounds -- you can't turn back time. But I can't stop going back to the moment I took my first pill. If I only knew what ensued. I'd give anything to be back, facing the hardships I had at that time, the silly thoughts that drove me here, they seem so petty now. I used to brag about how I never regret anything, I wasn't lying, I truly didn't. Now, the first time I truly experience regret, it seems like the hardest emotion I ever had to tolerate. However silly, unreal, nonsensical this is, I can't stop imagining turning back time. Sometimes I'm trying to talk god into making a bargain; I'd trade all my achievements and talents for the undoing of this one critical moment. Then I release a bitter chuckle, It's futile. Still, I experience it as though it could happen, every single day.

 

Does anybody else feel this way? I'd love to hear your experiences with regret


I'm so sorry. Yes, I do feel that way every day. When I was 16 or 17 I just had pills thrown at me. I was naive and didn't know any better. At that time there were all these commercials about "Non habit forming" zoloft." Just thinking about it makes my blood boil. I do regret going that day where I got drugged because I would have never gotten in this mess, but at the same time none of it is my fault. Zoloft themselves hid information and claimed the drug wasn't habit forming, so how could have my doctor known any better himself? I do feel like my life has been ripped away from me and I expected to be so much more at 30, but we can only go forward not back. Dwelling on what happened is never going to erase what has happened. All we can do is try to get better and move forward the best we can. I'm guilty of lying in bed until 5 pm dwelling on all this also. I look back and wonder what it is I have done to deserve all of this hell. It's tough, but the worst thing you can do is getting lost and trapped in your own negative thoughts. I wish I had a better answer on how to escape all of it, but I don't. You just have to find the strength inside you to keep trucking along. I am housebound currently, but I do try to do things like vacuum, shower, dishes, ect each day to at least try and have some normalcy. 

Share this post


Link to post
ultimatumprisoncell
On 12/27/2017 at 6:06 PM, Altostrata said:

Which would be easier, turning back time or forgiving yourself for the mistakes you've made in your life?

I wish I could undo a lot of things in my life. My most recent damages being the freshest and most painful open wounds I currently endure.

Turning back time cannot happen. At least not as defined by the laws of physics as we know them.

That leaves self-forgiveness (and thus moving on) the only true option. And a difficult one still. A goal to be worked on... 

Well said, and thank you!

Share this post


Link to post
FarmGirlWorks
On 12/31/2017 at 12:01 AM, Petunia said:

I seriously regret medicating myself, rather than dealing with the problem and solving it.

Bingo! When I think back to the fateful day that I started the Zoloft poison and I was in physical pain from what was a long anxiety attack from a 6-month long trauma. If only I had known it would have been better to deal with the problems than numb them away. But I am learning now and when this damn WD is over -- and I agree that neuroplasticity doesn't mean going back to the former brain, just paths over; I had a brain tumor and definitely know this -- I will have more tools in the old toolbox to deal with anxiety instead of taking pills.

Share this post


Link to post
Marsx

I don't regret taking antidepressants because I can't deny that they did help me at a time when I didn't know how to help myself. I seriously regret and am scarred by the fact that I quit cold turkey after years on very high doses of antidepressants. I thought I was 'strong' enough and I didn't reinstate because I thought I could pull through. If anything this whole experience made me realize how incredibly hard I have been on myself my whole life to succeed in everything. If you found this website in time and are tapering, be grateful for that great choice you made. We all have to try to love ourselves and be grateful that we wanted what was best for ourselves. We didn't turn to recreational drugs because we thought we were doing the right thing, we wanted better for our health. Though, having worked with addicts the past 4 years before having to leave my job, I can tell you I never saw anyone experience withdrawal the way I am or as long as I am. Really puts into perspective what I used to think of recreational drugs. I feel some anger that I worked with criminals who carelessly took hard drugs for leisure and are not even dealing with PAWS. I have anger towards that. I have anger towards always trying to be good and make the 'right' decision. But there's people who make the right decision and die in car accidents driving home from work. So really, what does it all matter. You could make all the right decisions and get diagnosed with terminal cancer tomorrow. I have a friend in his 20s going through that right now. He probably looks at me and would trade anything to take my place. What he doesn't know is I would take his. Perspective. 

Share this post


Link to post
Dude
3 hours ago, Marsx said:

You could make all the right decisions and get diagnosed with terminal cancer tomorrow. I have a friend in his 20s going through that right now. He probably looks at me and would trade anything to take my place. What he doesn't know is I would take his. Perspective. 

 

 

Although I sympathize with your current thoughts and feelings and with what you've been going through, I have to say that I think you might perhaps be taking things a bit too far with regard to your very last statement, which I found to be quite offensive. Cold turkey withdrawal (and all other forms of withdrawal, for that matter) can indeed be a living hell. I've been through it myself and am continuing to go through protracted withdrawal. And it has all screwed up my life immensely. And I too have admittedly felt extremely sorry for myself (and justifiably so, in my opinion) and have also in the past often thought that I'd prefer for things to just end rather than have to go on living with this condition (and still have such thoughts now and then). So I can completely understand where you're coming from and why you've written what you have written.

 

That being said, I still think you might have overstepped a certain boundary (so to speak) by actually writing that you would, to paraphrase, gladly take the place of someone who is terminally ill (i.e. that of someone who is most likely actually going to die sometime soon). And what I mean is that it's easy to imagine that one would rather die than to have to continue going through what one is going through, but that it's quite another thing to have to face the actual prospect of immanent death. And because of that I can only assume that you in actual fact meant that last statement metaphorically (or were even, perhaps, simply trying to provoke a response from someone in order to gain some attention). However, if you didn't mean it metaphorically (which I doubt is actually the case) then in my opinion you've unfortunately just displayed a very callous and self-centered attitude with regard to that terminally ill person's situation.

 

Although we have all been incredibly harmed by psychiatry and psychiatric drugs and quite a lot of us either have been or are still going through absolute hell, we shouldn't forget that we're not the only ones on this planet who are suffering unjustly and we should also not assume that we've been dealt the worst possible hand imaginable. There are, for example, people who are currently being tortured in jails all over this planet. And, as we all know, there are millions of people who are currently actually dying of starvation. And, to name just another few examples, there are plenty of people suffering from cerebral palsy and also those who suffer from what is known as "locked-in syndrome" (i.e. people who can't move a single muscle but who are fully functioning mentally and who are completely dependent upon others for just about every single thing in their daily lives). A cousin of mine actually suffers from cerebral palsy, by the way, and despite what I've gone through and continue to go through to this day, I sure as hell would not want to trade places with him. I at least have a chance of recovering completely someday, even if it takes another ten years. He does not.

 

So as terrible as our suffering genuinely is, it does not give us the right to belittle the suffering of others (and especially not that of someone who is actually facing death). And rather than comparing apples and oranges (and claiming that one is worse or better than the other), perhaps what our experience might teach us is to become more compassionate towards others who are also suffering, no matter what form their suffering may take, rather than to compare ourselves to (or even "compete" with) them. That's what I would consider to be "putting things into perspective".

 

I do not mean to insult you, by the way, nor do I mean to belittle your own suffering. You're obviously going through a hard time and, as I said, I fully sympathize with you. And you have every right to express your thoughts and feelings on this forum (which is what it's here for). Also, the thoughts and feelings you're currently experiencing are, to a large extent, quite possibly withdrawal symptoms (at least to a certain extent and also assuming you're still suffering from certain w/d symptoms). Nonetheless, you might still want to think twice before posting any statement of that kind again in future, since it will be read by others and might also be considered offensive by them. And just in case you were simply trying to provoke a response by saying writing something like that, rest assured that there's no need to manipulate people into giving you attention here. You will be given attention freely.

 

So, despite all of that, welcome to the forum. You will indeed receive genuine understanding and support from most people here. So you've come to the right place. Just choose your words with some care in future in order to avoid such "misunderstandings".

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Dude

Excuse the writing errors, by the way. I still suffer from cognitive impairment / brain fog (etc.) and a hell of a lot of other symptoms roughly six to eight years after cold-turkeying off psych-drugs. Just to put things into perspective... ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Dude

See? Should have read "I'm still suffering from..." just now. Case and point.

 

Sorry, being a bit mean now. But your post annoyed me quite a bit... Anyway, I'll shut up now. Take care.

Share this post


Link to post
Marsx

The reason I said perspective is because I remind myself everyday that there are others who are suffering (worse) who also tried to make all the right decisions in life and yet got dealt a bad hand. So going back in time and changing the decision to take this drug might still deal us a bad hand in other ways. 

Empathizing with the suffering of others is what is helping me to get through the days. 

Im sorry about what I said, but that is how I have felt and I can't change how I feel. I can't help being severely depressed. Mental health is so stigmatized that people would look at me and assume nothing is wrong with me. I think that's what I meant. You can't physically see any suffering when you look at someone with depression nor can one understand. I wrote what I did because i often wish for someone else's life until I realize I have no idea what they are going through, vice versa. 

Share this post


Link to post
Godiswithme
On 9/25/2017 at 10:24 AM, dluv said:

Every time I run my hand through my hair, sick to my stomach at the sight of my precious hairs falling, maybe never to grow back, I think about it. I know how stupid this sounds -- you can't turn back time. But I can't stop going back to the moment I took my first pill. If I only knew what ensued. I'd give anything to be back, facing the hardships I had at that time, the silly thoughts that drove me here, they seem so petty now. I used to brag about how I never regret anything, I wasn't lying, I truly didn't. Now, the first time I truly experience regret, it seems like the hardest emotion I ever had to tolerate. However silly, unreal, nonsensical this is, I can't stop imagining turning back time. Sometimes I'm trying to talk god into making a bargain; I'd trade all my achievements and talents for the undoing of this one critical moment. Then I release a bitter chuckle, It's futile. Still, I experience it as though it could happen, every single day.

 

Does anybody else feel this way? I'd love to hear your experiences with regret

Omg. I feel that way every single day. I Cold turkeyed and had to reinstate. You described my thoughts exactly. Even the part about regrets prior to this debacle. 

Share this post


Link to post
Dude

Fair enough. I can understand that you feel that way and that you expressed yourself accordingly. Not exactly in the best of moods myself at the moment, which is probably why I responded to your post the way I did. So my apologies as well for giving you a bit of  grief. You have every right to speak your mind here, of course. And it helps to blow off a bit of steam now and then. The support here is great too. You just might want to be careful not to become too problem focused though (for your own sake), which can sometimes happen, as I've come to notice. There are, however, a lot of resources to be found here if you're looking ways to improve your situation. So have a good look around.

Share this post


Link to post
Dude

That last post of mine was a reply to Marsx previous post (in case anyone was wondering, which you probably weren't... ;)).

Share this post


Link to post
xyz

we all heal. it is a matter of time.

this alone comfort me. i regretted for a long year and when i looked at how much of my life i was actually missing while dwelling in the past, i stopped it.

my kids are growing, i can make a difference in their life right now, today.

 

i don't live in Aleppo. i don't have a flesh eating bacteria that forced the amputation of my limbs.

i didn't crossed the road at the wrong time and got hit by a truck, and had to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair.

i don't have my face disfigured by an acid attack committed by an abusive husband.

 

I consciously took these pills every single day for some times and they have relieved me for a bit,.

let's us be honest, i even liked being on them until i started to withdraw from them.

 

not accepting my current experience is what led me to take these pills in the first place.

so i won't repeat my mistakes.

Share this post


Link to post
Justcope
On 9/26/2017 at 12:24 AM, dluv said:

Every time I run my hand through my hair, sick to my stomach at the sight of my precious hairs falling, maybe never to grow back, I think about it. I know how stupid this sounds -- you can't turn back time. But I can't stop going back to the moment I took my first pill. If I only knew what ensued. I'd give anything to be back, facing the hardships I had at that time, the silly thoughts that drove me here, they seem so petty now. I used to brag about how I never regret anything, I wasn't lying, I truly didn't. Now, the first time I truly experience regret, it seems like the hardest emotion I ever had to tolerate. However silly, unreal, nonsensical this is, I can't stop imagining turning back time. Sometimes I'm trying to talk god into making a bargain; I'd trade all my achievements and talents for the undoing of this one critical moment. Then I release a bitter chuckle, It's futile. Still, I experience it as though it could happen, every single day.

 

Does anybody else feel this way? I'd love to hear your experiences with regret

I get a feeling that pretty much everyone on this forum, my self included- feels exactly like this. I get so angry sometimes, thinking about my 5 minute conversation with the GP, or the crappy psychologist who got frustrated with me because I kept getting anxious- in hindsight- we didn’t click which is probably why I didn’t feel better- told me to go on medication. 

I get upset with myself for not doing my own research before starting lexapro, or when the GP increased the dose because it ‘wasn’t working’. I’ll admit, it did get me through some hard times, but now, going through withdrawal, and experiencing so many more mood issues than what I started with? Yeah... I’m pretty regretful. 

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.