Jump to content
Waterfall

Waterfall: Introduction

Recommended Posts

Waterfall

Wow.  I feel nervous.  Like I've just stepped out onto a big stage.  With big lights.  And the crowd beyond the edge, of the lights, of the stage, is all fuzzy and indistinct, sitting out there in the dark.  Is this microphone on?  

 

I chose Waterfall for my name, because it's one of those things that can be seen from so many different perspectives.  A waterfall can be seen as a wonderful thing of beauty.  It can also be seen as destructive, a changing force.  It can be a small trickle.  I can also be a torrent.  They can bring life sustaining water, or they can bring a flood.  Some of the greatest waterfalls are considered some of natures greatest wonders.  But close up they can also be noisy and wet.  It's all in how you look at it.  And which waterfall you meet.  

 

Anyway.  Me.  Who am I?  Well.  A waterfall.  Pretty in my own way.  And also messy.  Changed by the floods and droughts of life.  

I'm also philosophical, apparently.  And I talk a lot.  Especially when I am nervous.  

 

I've struggled with anxiety since I was 5, or so I'm told.  It's been there as long as I can remember.  The details blur over the years, but I think the first time I also struggled with depression, that I'm aware of, was in my teens.  I've always struggled.  Always wondered why I felt so broken compared to everyone else.  And why everything seemed extra hard for me.  

 

I was first prescribed Wellbutrin as a teen.  I no longer remember what I told that doctor.  Whether it was more about anxiety.  Or depression.  But I didn't take it.  I was next prescribed Prozac when I was pregnant with my first child, at 21.  I didn't take it then either.  

 

I first actually took something when I was in my twenties, I took Wellbutrin for 6-9 months.  I no longer remember exactly.  But other than feeling euphoric about doing something, when I first started it, I never noticed any other change.  And since I wasn't supposed to take it and be pregnant, I quit, cold turkey, to become pregnant with my second child in 2010.  I have always thought that I felt no symptoms after stopping.  None.  But now I wonder.  I started a downturn in my health mid-pregnancy, beginning a sudden flare up of something akin to eczema or atopic dermatitis, in response to a cream that I had previously never reacted to.  In the following months, I reacted to just about everything.  Ever soap or cream or perfume I touched.  I continued to struggle with general feelings of ill health, for the next several years, until I was pregnant with my 4th in 2014.  The whole pregnancy was really tough.  I had been pregnant three times before, but this... this time was complete misery.  I told myself to survive until the baby was born.  And he was.  And I crashed.  Hard.  Really hard.  I panicked.  And couldn't sleep.  And couldn't stay calm.  And I was weak.  And shaky.  

 

And so after a bit of trial and error, they put me on Clonazapam and Citalopram near the end of the year.  I used the Clonazapam for a few weeks while they slowly upped the Citalopram to 40 mg.  And there I stayed.  It was still a struggle for quite some time, but I slowly improved.  In 2016, I moved.  Spring 2017, I felt like I was slipping again.  Slowly feeling worse and worse, and afraid, because I was already on drugs, what would I do if I crashed now?  

So I went to see a different doctor.  She started me on Gaba.  And a few other supplements to help with sleep and general health.  

 

And then, oh, clever me, I stopped citalopram.  In June.  Cold turkey.  Stupid.  I know.  I don't know anymore what I was thinking.  I only remember that I thought it was a really good idea at the time.  And it wasn't a planned thing.  I'd missed renewing my prescription, so I hadn't taken it for about a week, so I consulted with this new doctor, and asked her if it made sense to just keep not taking it.  She agreed.  Gave me a prescription anyway, in case I needed some again, or if I couldn't handle it.  I never took any.  

 

After that I had a decent summer.  I thought all was well.  I still struggled, but considering that I can't remember not struggling.  Ever.  I thought on the whole I was doing pretty good.  Kept busy, for me anyway.  I've never been able to be as busy as most people seem to be.  But we went to the beach a few times.  Visits to the splash pad.  Some quiet days at home.  Somewhere in there the new doctor started me on something called MoodRx that apparently has St. John's Wort in it.  Apparently couldn't start that until I had been long enough off of the citalopram.  Spent the end of the summer getting lots of veggies and berries into the freezer.  Started to get a bit stressed about a visit from the in-laws.  Turned my house upside-down in anticipation of their visit. 

And they came.  And all was going well.  I felt on top of the world.  And then.

 

And then I crashed.  Hard.  Again.  Sept 18.  I was spending the day with the kids and my in-laws.  First I felt a bit off.  But I soldiered on.  I panicked in the grocery store.  Felt super nauseated.  But I calmed down again.  Struggled off and on throughout the day until school pick-up for the kids off the bus.  Then I lost it.  Panicked.  And couldn't calm down.  Felt absolutely horrible.  

 

And I've been struggling hard ever since.  Sometimes I think I'm starting to feel better.  Other times I think I feel worse than ever.  When it first happened, I went to the doctor a lot.  We stopped the St. John's Wort stuff.  Still not sure if I was having a bad reaction to it, or not.  I also stopped, over time, taking everything else.  At this point, the only thing I'm taking is 0.25mg of citalopram each morning, just to help me to survive.  And I'm starting to try to take some vitamins and minerals again, in the hopes that it will help with some of the symptoms.  

 

At this point what makes the most sense to me, particularly in light of what I have read on this site, is that I'm suffering from withdrawal from the citalopram that I stopped back in June.  And possibly made worse by a reaction to the St. John's Wort.  But I really don't know what' going on.  I'm scared.  And I just wish I knew what was going on, and what the right thing to do was.  

 

One of the biggest things I struggle with is the fear and panic.  My biggest trigger is health and physical symptoms.  If I had read this site first, maybe I'd have done things differently.  I like to think I would have.  I also periodically have crying binges, where I just can't seem to help crying, and crying, and crying.  And I'm not one who normally cries a lot.  But once I've cried for a while, it seems to pass again.  I've had some of the darkest, most depressed thoughts.  About everything being hopeless.  And pointless.  Sometimes I just get irritable.  One of the other major symptoms is a chest pain I have.  They've already listened to my heart.  Checked my blood pressure.  I've had a general blood work-up twice in the last year.  Once this past spring, and once last fall.  Nothing came up.  My iron isn't low.  My blood sugar level is fine.  My heart enzymes are good.  But my chest hurts.  This last week, my heart has started a sort of swoony/weird/almost like a flutter but not really kinda feeling.  And this morning I woke up with pain in my back and neck and arm and chest.  The worst I've had yet.  I could barely get up this morning and I almost couldn't turn my neck.  Sometimes when I did, it felt like someone was stabbing in my ear, or in my throat or chest bone.  I also struggle with lot of numbness and tingling in my hands and feet.  And sometimes my muscles all hurt.  And sometimes my joints hurt.  And I feel weak.  And sometimes shaky.  And did I mention panicky?  And emotional?  Sometimes my vision seems a little funny.  Or my hearing.  But it comes and then goes quickly.  And is gone again.  I've developed a cough, and I'm scared because I had bronchitis and strep throat 2 or 3 times last year.  And that was still on the meds.  And how could I forget the heart pounding?  Oh, I have lots of heart pounding.  Sometimes I do things, and nothing happens.  But so often when I stand up.  Or go up the stairs.  Or wake up in the morning.  Or lie down at night, my heart pounds.  And pounds.  

 

I don'y know what's causing what.  I just want to feel better.  I've seen several different doctors.  I've also seen a couple different therapists.  Mostly they say there is nothing at all wrong with me, except in my head.  One told me maybe it was lyme disease.  Or maybe not.  My main doctor wants me back on more drugs.  The second lady I saw recently also wanteed me back on citalopram.  I tried.  I can't.  If I take it.  Even one 10mg pill, no matter what time of day, I wake up the following morning, early, panicking, and burning/tingling from head to toe.  So my main doctor wants me to try another antidepressant.  I don't want more drugs, but I'm not sure I can do without them.  I just don't know what to do.  Today was one of the roughest days yet.  I'm in pain, and I'm panicky, and depressed and it all feels so hopeless.  

 

Since 2014, when I saw someone who gave me, for the first time, a diagnosis, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and prescription, after which I improved, my husband now believes that's the answer.  My brain is broken, and I need drugs.  Don't I see it?  That's the only answer.  So he's always pushing me to take more drugs.  Take more of the clonazapam.  Go back on citalopram.  Get a new prescription.  Just take something already!  But I don't want to.  Most days i can make it through with only the one Clonzapam.  And that's it.  But I am having a tough time.  I've tried different diet options.  I've tired a few different supplements.  I just don't know what else to do.  I don't know who's ideology to follow.  

 

So like I said.  Right now, I'm taking 0.25mg Clonazapam every morning.  Just to survive the day.  And I don't eat dairy, or use any perfume, in order to keep the reactions in my skin to a minimum.  I'm trying to take a multivitamin , plus vitamin D, a vitamin B complex, and a multi mineral.  I'm most afraid of this chest/neck/back/arm pain right now.  

 

I could really use some encouragement and some help deciding which course of action to take.  I've done some reading on here already and found some helpful stuff.  I'm just wondering what people might have to say that's specific to my case.  Feel free to point out specific threads on here that people have already written that may be helpful.  

 

And in advance, thank you.  Whatever you have to offer, thank you.  It's been really tough, and I can use every little bit of help I can get.  

And to all of you who have struggled and are struggling, I wish you all the best.  I wish you health and strength.  Some of you are amazing, what you've been through, or are going through, and still making it through the day, I applaud you.  Some of the stuff you've dealt with sounds so much worse than what I'm dealing with.  I only wish I could be half as tough as some of you are.  Keep on keeping on.  

 

Share this post


Link to post
ChessieCat

Hi Waterfall,

 

Welcome to SA.  There is a lot of very useful information on this site and the members are supportive.  If you click on the drug tags (top left under the topic title) you can find other members with the same tag.  I would encourage you to visit other members' topics so you can get to know them and you can support each other.

 

Here are some topics which you might find helpful:

 

Brain Remodelling


Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Fear, terror, panic, and anxiety

 

Claire Weekes' Method of Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System

 

This is your own Intro topic where you can ask questions and journal your progress.

Share this post


Link to post
Altostrata

Welcome, Waterfall.

 

You mentioned you are taking 0.25mg citalopram every morning, but I think you mean 0.25 clonezapam.

 

It is possible the clonezapam is causing some rebound symptoms when it wears off. This can be jolts of anxiety or panic and other symptoms. Please keep daily notes on paper of your symptoms, when you take your drugs, and their dosages.

 

It's important to get at least a half-hour of gentle exercise, such as walking, every day, to calm the nervous system. How are you sleeping?

 

You might want to try a little bit of each of these supplements to start, to see how they affect you. Many people find they help.

 

King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

 

It also sounds like you have health anxiety. This is something you can learn to manage, with meditation, which you can teach yourself, or cognitive behavior therapy.

 

See 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

Share this post


Link to post
Madeleine

Welcome waterfall. Glad you found us. It does sound like you experienced delayed withdrawal around the time the inlaws visited. Stress can bring it in. Alto is right that learning non drug techniques for dealing with stress is very helpful. 

 

Clonazepam us a benzodiazepine and you could be having inter dose  withdrawals:  little mini withdrawal episodes of anxiety when your previous dose wears away and you have not yet taken the next dose.  Take a look at the benzodiazepines section on this forum.  there's info there on how to deal with it and how to taper it. 

 

Hugs and and best wishes, 

 

m

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Waterfall

Thank you guys for responding.  

There's so much here to read, it's a little overwhelming.  

The days are so up and down.  

I hope that I will someday reach a day again when it doesn't feel like everything is a struggle.  

 

I am mostly sleeping alright at the moment.  I have a bit of trouble settling down in the evening, 

so sometimes my sleep is a lot shorter than I'd like, but once I fall asleep, I usually sleep well

at least until early morning.  I have been waking up a lot lately in the early morning 5-6 o'clock

when I don't need to get up until 7, but I've been getting better at staying calm, waiting patiently

through whatever symptoms I have, and going back to sleep, or if not back to sleep, I at least 

lay quietly in bed with my eyes closed, I figure that still counts as rest.  It's just frustrating because

I tend to fall asleep, or feel extremely sleepy at somewhat random times through the day.  My 

goal has been to try to sleep 8 hours a night, in the hopes that the sleep episodes during the day

would go away.  So far I haven't been able to get that much sleep, but I feel with that as a goal, 

I at least get more sleep than if I had no goal at all.  I'm tracking it on my fitbit right now, and 

my average for this week is 7 hours 15 minutes.  I figure that's pretty good.  

 

Yes, you are right, it's 0.25 mg Clonazepam that I am taking once a day.  I really don't want to be

taking it, especially since the reading I've done suggest that the benzodiazapines give some of 

the worst withdrawal symptoms.  Which is why I am very reluctant to take any more, despite my 

doctor's encouragement to take as much as I need, unless I have a really rough day.  One that I

feel I can't handle otherwise.  But I'm also a little afraid to stop taking it right now.  Again, in light

of what I've read here, I think that keeping steady for a bit without changing anything seems 

wise.  I had two days (not next to each other) recently where I forgot to take it in the morning like

I usually do, and those days were pretty miserable.  I'm hoping to reach a stable point, and then

taper it properly, which means slowly.  Not like I did with the citalopram.  

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind.  Like I can't think straight.  Or like I'm not myself.  Some

days I feel so dark and it all feels so discouraging and pointless.  It feels so tiring trying to stay

sane in the midst of all these feelings.  

 

It's hard to eat, but eating feels so important.  I can do nothing all day, and not feel like I've recharged

at all.  It's always a struggle to stay calm and relaxed.  Just surviving feels like a challenge.  Sometimes

I feel so tense, or jittery.  Other times I just sit here because I just don't feel like doing anything.  I just

don't seem to have the energy to do the things I dream of doing.  Even the simplest of things I usually

enjoy to just relax a little, I just don't... enjoy. 

 

I really need some hope that this is going to get better.  It's so, so, so dicouraging.  

 

Thanks again for the input ChessieCat, Altostrata, and Madeleine.  I'll keep slowly reading, and learning,

and hopefully growing and changing.  I yearn for a day when I can move past these fears and these 

symptoms and live a more normal life, struggling with only the more normal things.  Energy... energy

would be nice... *sigh*.  

Share this post


Link to post
JanCarol

 

Hey Waterfall - welcome!
 

In my practice, Waterfall is about flowing, about adapting to change - the ability to jump off cliffs and start anew in a new form in a new place.  About fluidity, flexibility, and feeling:  Shaman Explorations - Waterfall

 

It definitely sounds like you went into withdrawal during your pregnancy - all of those symptoms are pretty classic.  What docs don't realise is that - withdrawal can hang over you like a guillotine and it takes the candle to burn the rope (a stressor) before the guillotine falls....So you can withdraw and be fine for months - and then - WHAM! You have a family event and your endocrine system fires up - and what it finds when it fires - is that it's not in equillibrium.  That's when withdrawal hits.

It sounds like that is what happened with your citalopram CT, too.

And - September - it sounds like you might be also having some St. John's Wort withdrawals.  We treat St. John's Wort like an SSRI or SNRI (I've read various descriptions of it) and it should not be stopped cold turkey.  Just because it's "natural" or "herbal," doesn't mean it won't perturb neurotransmitters!  What else was in the St. John's Wort supplement?  This could be important, too.

Also - what other supplements are you on?  GABA should be fine - but B vitamins (for example) are very popular to give out for "mood disorder," when really they can exacerbate withdrawal symptoms.  Please list your supplements for review. 

Crying is awesome good.  It doesn't feel like it when you are in it, but it is the gentlest, most natural healing detox you can do.  It boosts endorphins, and smooths your emotional flow.  Waterfall.  Just remind yourself of all of the things you numbed before - and appreciate that you can feel now.

Feelings get blocked by antidepressants.  In order to block the "bad" feelings, the positive ones are blocked too.  In withdrawal, I've found that the "bad" feelings - sadness, grief, anger, irritation - are the first to return.  By flowing with your tears (as best you can, there are times and places), you are opening yourself up to the miracles of positive feelings, too.

The chest pain, fluttery stuff, is common in withdrawal, too!  We don't recommend a lot of supplements, but many of us have gotten good results from Magnesium.  What form you take is important.  The common form of magnesium oxide is as cheap as rocks, and you may as well be chewing rocks for the amount of good it does.  Magnesium citrate is an affordable, absorbable form if you can tolerate it.  Read the link to find out more.  Magnesium helps immensely with cardiac weirdness, and many of us have eliminated these problems entirely with magnesium.

 

For a rapid "chill down," consider bathing with  Epsom Salts - Another Way to Relax with Magnesium .  

All of the aches and pains and flu-like symptoms that you list are common occurrences in withdrawal.  So much so that some people call it "the withdrawal flu."   Here is a list of common symptoms, and if you want, you can print out a bunch of them and use them to track your own symptoms:  Dr. Joseph Glenmullen's Most Common symptoms of Withdrawal

 

On 26/11/2017 at 11:37 AM, Waterfall said:

I'm trying to take a multivitamin , plus vitamin D, a vitamin B complex, and a multi mineral

 

Okay, that's what I'm looking for.  Please avoid "multi" ANYTHING.  If you react to it (and you know that you can be hypersensitive to anything!) then you do not know what it is you are reacting to.  

Eliminate the multivitamin and the B-complex first.  First off, multivitamins are not getting the best reviews at Consumer Labs right now - they contain too much of many things in combinations with conflicting things, and the manufacturing quality of "reputable brands" is often not what is on the label!  70% of multivitamins tested failed Consumer Labs' review!  Multis are a shotgun approach to make sure you "get enough," but are really all about the marketing. 

 

Here's my other concern:  B vitamins: Hypersensitive to B Vitamin or B-Complex   While it is often a first response to stress to take a B-Complex, in withdrawal it can be overstimulating.

i don't know about the multi mineral - but here's a clue:  if it has calcium, magnesium, and iron in it - then stop taking it.  Anyone who bundles these together doesn't realise (or care) that they cancel each other out in the absorption competition.  The same is true if it has copper with zinc.  They absorb each other in metabolism, and should be taken separately.  And many practitioners believe you should never take copper at all - that we get too much copper in our diets*, and not enough zinc.  So if your multi-mineral is mixing all this stuff up, you are just wasting your money and possibly causing problems for your system.

 

*and - for those of us who are challenged with moods, copper can increase emotional volatility!

 

It's better to take one thing at a time.  B vitamins, for example, are cheap.  Once you get stable (that will be awhile yet), you can consider adding them back in one at a time, like B12 (many of us are deficient) or Niacin (excellent for mood stabilization).  But complexes do not take into consideration that your individual needs might call for a lot of niacin, and not very much B6 and maybe no Folate at all.  Or maybe you have methylation issues, and need to take certain forms of B vitamins.  The complexes usually give you 50 mg of everything, (a popular mix).  

The Vitamin D - eliminate the other ones first.  Many of us are D deficient, and D (which is actually a hormone) is involved in a lot of important cascades in the body.  However - many people find it to be overstimulating in withdrawal and cannot take it:   http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/39-vitamin-d3-cholecalciferol-or-calcitriol/   It really is best to get your Vitamin D levels tested, as that is the only way to know how much you need.  Even if you are deficient - if you find that you are reacting to it (making withdrawals worse) - don't worry, you can survive on sunlight.  It's not optimal (good vitamin D levels help with sleep, headaches, eczema, cardiovascular issues), but it's only temporary until you are feeling better. 

Eliminate the B-Complex, the Multivitamin, and probably the Multimineral, first.  Then add back in good magnesium, and if you can tolerate it, Omega-3 fish oil .   Fish oil helps lubricate the nervous system, like "oiling the wheels," so that your nerves fire smoothly, and acts as a mild anti-inflammatory, so could help with some of your joint problems.  Make these changes GRADUALLY - like:  

Week 1 - eliminate B complex

Week 2 - eliminate multivitamin

Week 3 - eliminate multi-mineral

Week 4 - add 1/2 dose magnesium.

Week 5 - increase magnesium to full dose  (you may wish to divide it into 2 doses, 1/2 in the afternoon, 1/2 in the evening.  Magnesium can have anti-anxiety effects, too.)

Week 6 - add one capsule Fish oil.  
Week 7 - increase fish oil by 1 capsule a week until you are at the maximum dose you can tolerate.  The brain likes between 6000-8000 IU of fish oil a day, but you may not be able to go that high until your withdrawals settle down.  

If you are still having problems after these changes, then you may have to eliminate the Vit. D, too.

Keep an eye on your cardio symptoms - magnesium might address that.  I take 800 mg a day, and still have some breakthrough cardiac weirdness.  I know people whose wobbly fluttery things stopped at around 600 mg of quality magnesium per day.

Start up the Epsom Salts baths (or Mag Chloride, if you can find it - my favourite) and see if you can get your system calmed down.

Take care going to natural and other practitioners - they will want to "detox" you, or throw mood altering supplements at you, and may actually make your withdrawals worse.  The only treatments you should accept should be calming, soothing, comforting.  This can be massage or acupuncture - but again, make sure it is calming, not stimulating.

 

13 hours ago, Waterfall said:

I am mostly sleeping alright at the moment

 

That is a gift!  Awesome good!  You are over 6 months out from your antidepressant, and 3 months out from your St. John's Wort - so you're not the best candidate for reinstatement.

That you are sleeping (and crying) is excellent, and shows that you are healing.

The only other thing I see here is that Alto is concerned about rebound anxiety and daily withdrawals from the clonazepam.  It is one of the longer lasting drugs, and usually breakthrough symptoms don't happen with a daily dose.  Usually.  

What brings my attention to it is - in your signature - you say you started it Sept 18, and that you've been on rough ground ever since.  So it may be a culprit.

One way to find out is to split it in half, and work on moving the 2nd half (.125 mg!) an hour a day until they are 12 hours apart.

So if you take your clonazepam at 8 am, take 0.125 at 8 am and 0.125 at 9 am.  Try that for 3 days.

Then move the 2nd dose to 10 am.  Wait another 3 days.

Then move the 2nd dose to 11 am.  You can wait another 3 days - or if this is going smoothly and you are doing better, you can decrease the wait time in between moves.  Try 2 days.

Be very careful with shortening wait times.  3 days is the time it takes for a blood plasma change.  Changes can stack up, so that you don't feel the first or second change until after you've made the 3rd change. 

But wait before moving the clonazepam until you've got your supplements sorted out.

I'm sorry this is a lot of information in one post - but I never know when I can come back to visit, so I like to cover all the bases I can see.  You can always come back and read and re-read to see if you pick up on more.  This information should keep you going well into next year, when combined with Non Drug Techniques for Coping with Emotional Symptoms .

I hope you see the sun today!

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Waterfall

Well.  When I'm in a window, I don't feel the need to post.  When swallowed by a wave, I can't find the energy and brain power to post.  

Right now I'm hoping that I'm riding out the crest of this wave into another window.  Here's hoping.  

I'm also hoping that there something to the idea that I read recently that symptoms peak at 6 months. 

I want that to be true, because I'm near the 6 month mark and I would love things to get better.  

I can remember times where I felt better.  And I want to feel better again.  

Though I know the things I've been through have definitely made me stronger and braver.  

 

So.  Thank you for all your input JanCarol.  

I wanted to update with the fact that, despite what I said before, for a few weeks already, I have been taking only 0.25mg of Clonazepam once a day. 

I was trying to go back to taking Vitamin D, but I am so spooked about taking anything, and pretty forgetful right now, so I haven't done that either. 

 

The last few days I've really been struggling with heart symptoms. My chest has been hurting a lot, and I've had a lot of sharp pangs, as well as a 

lot of funny feeling heartbeats.  I'm not sure whether they feel like palpitation to me or not, they feel more like a single beat that went wonky.  If that's 

a palpitation, well, it just doesn't feel like the ones I've had before.  Sometimes the pain feels like it's in my back instead.  Once in a while I feel it on 

the right side as well, or instead.  My neck and arm also hurt on my left side.  My shoulder.  Pretty much anything on that left side of my body. 

 

So, I've been trying to start taking a magnesium supplement as you suggested.  My nausea is also worse right now.  I've even had the runs the past 

couple days, which may be part of a virus that's going around, or just my body having another fit or some kind.  Part of me wonders if the runs are 

possibly connected to the magnesium, but I really want to try to keep it steady for a bit, to see if it helps.  I took it a few times before, and the heart

flutters/misbeat thingys hadn't bothered me for a little while.  

 

Woah.  Went to deal with my little boys for a minute, and was reminded of another thing.  Been really light headed today.  Woke up with persistant

thoughts this morning.  Want to keep track of some of these things to see if I can see what's happening over time.  I keep meaning to keep a record,

but I seem to lack to mental energy to do so right now.  I've never been able to keep up a journal of any time so far in my life, despite several attempts. 

 

Anyway.  I'm really struggling today.  This chest pain is the worst, but I'm struggling in general.  Oh, that's right.  My hands and feet were really cold as

well this morning.  Just one thing after another.  I wish I could trade the chest thing for brain zaps or something.  Anything but this chest pain.  Okay...

just about anything.  I'm sure there is something out there that I would dislike even more.  Like being dizzy.  I really don't like that either.  I have struggled

with that before.  Thankfully that is not a symptom that has presented itself a lot lately.  It feels more like my heart is dizzy.  

 

Oh, I was going to mention which type of magnesium I was taking, since you mentioned more than one kind and I wasn't sure how this one fit with the

kinds you mentioned.  I guess it's not specifically only a magnesium supplement, though magnesium is the only listed medical ingredient.  There are 

no other listed ingredients at all.  But it's made from Utah's Great Salt Lake inland seawater.  I read here now that there are 260 mg of magnesium in 

40 drops.  It suggests 10-20 drops in a glass of water or beverage once or twice a day.  I've been doing about 10 drops, once a day.  I also noticed just

now that it says some people may experience a laxative effect that will disappear when reducing the dose.  So maybe that is the source of my runs.  

 

I just want to feel better.  So badly. 

 

Which reminds me.  I don't want to have to keep taking the Clonazepam, but I'm afraid to go off it as well right now, since I'd like to reach a balance that

I can handle first.  I'm also curious how it is that splitting the dose and slowly spreading it apart will show me anything.  If I do this, what should I expect

to see?  What will it accomplish?  

 

It's really frustrating right now because everyone is trying to push me to take more drugs.  I was having a rough time this morning, so my husband 

really was pushing me to take another clonazepam.  My doctor really wants me to be on another antidepressant.  He's willing to try them all if necessary.

I really don't want to do that.  I don't think that's the answer.  But am I wrong?  I don't know.  Clearly I was wrong to come off the citalopram the way I did

in the first place.  It was definitely the wrong thing to go onto the St. John's Wort concoction.  But what is the right path?  I'm having trouble finding the 

balance of the right amount of being busy and taking it easy.  Of eating enough, and not too much.  Of paying enough attention to eating healthy, without

getting overly stressed about everything I eat.  

 

Oh, which reminds me of another thing.  I've already realized that I react strongly right now to trying to go back onto the citalopram, which my doctor was

hoping to do.  Does anyone know if it's normal to also react poorly to things like tylenol, or advil, or even cough drops with menthol in them?  And then I 

was also wondering, does this over-sensitive response to medicines and supplements and all pills and solution taken orally eventually go away?  Or is it

permanent?  

 

I think that's all for now.  Thank you to any and all who take the time to read my blathering, and especially to those who take the time to respond and offer

their advice and encouragement.  I've already been much encouraged by all much that I have read, of all that I have learned of the struggles, setbacks, and 

successes of others who have gone before, or who are today walking this path of odd symptoms and daily struggle.  I am glad that I am not alone.  

 

Best wishes, 

Waterfall

 

Edit: Totally planning to take an Epsom salts bath tonight if I can find the energy.  At least I already have some around.  

 

Share this post


Link to post
Waterfall

Oh.  Another new symptom I forgot about.  My heart used to pound, while keeping a regular heartbeat.  

Now it's started to race, while not pounding.  I will just feel funny, and since I wear a fitbit, I've noticed

that sometimes when I feel funny my heart rate will be high, like 100-120 even if I'm sitting still, or

perhaps standing around talking.  One of many feelings that I don't like having.  Of course I still get 

times when my heart pounds, but then my heart rate will be lower in a more normal range.  So doesn't

make any sense to me.  I find it so hard not to let these symptoms scare me. 

 

My underlying condition, at the start of everything, is health anxiety.  This.  Sucks.  

BUT, trying to stay upbeat.  Stay as busy as I can handle.  Rest when I can.  Keep smiling when I can.  

And do whatever I can to make it through each day.  

Even an especially lousy one like today.  

Share this post


Link to post
Waterfall

I also thought previously, that once you crash, recovery, while it may follow a waves and windows pattern, the general direction would be an upward one.  

But it seems from reading posts from other people, that this is not always the case.  Sometimes it is.  Maybe it often it is.  But sometimes it may feel like

it's still getting worse for a while.  Especially in the first year.  Or two.  I'm not sure, since I'm not that far yet.  But that's still good to know, since I really 

can't tell at this point whether things are getting much better or not.  I certainly have days where I feel worse than I think I've ever felt, especially if I've had

a new symptom pot up again.  Other days I feel like I'm just back at square one again, doing just as bad as ever I have.  So knowing it may still get worse

before it gets better, or even that it might not feel like it's getting better for a while yet, gives me hope that if others felt this way, and still feel that they've

achieved some measure of success further down the road, than I can too.  Even if it doesn't feel like it right now.  

 

It's just so hard to believe that there isn't something else actually wrong with me.  Some underlying medical concern.  But all my life I've passed every 

test with flying colours.  Or at least nearly so.  A little anemia with one pregnancy.  A bladder infection somewhere along the way.  But major health 

issues?  I've never had any.  Despite countless tests.  Including one MRI, one CT scan, several ECGs and ultrasounds, and lots of blood tests.  My 

blood pressure is always ideal.  My blood sugars normal.  Iron.  Thyroid.  All are good right now.  

 

So it's my brain.  My central nervous system.  And it feels like it's being really mean to me right now.  

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.