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JanCarol
On 07/01/2018 at 6:12 PM, Waterfall said:

I'm still really turn over whether to take 1/2 or a 1/4. 

 

Rosetta is right - it's not good to switch it up.

 

It's destabilising to change your doses all the time.

 

If you want to try 1/4, then try 1/4 morning and evening.  And hold it there.

 

It's okay to take 1/2 in the morning and 1/2 in the evening, since it was only a few days ago that you dropped your dose..

 

Or take 1/2 in the morning and 1/4 in the evening - but whatever you choose, do the same thing every day.   For 1-3 months.

 

It is tempting with benzos to run to them PRN for "emergencies."  This makes them more addicting when you use them this way.  It is better to keep a steady state in your system, and not bounce your doses.

Choose a plan and stick with it, stay on a steady dose every day, day in, day out.  No skipping, no extras.  This will help you get stable.

When you are stable - and not before - then you can talk about getting off of it.

3 KIS's Keep It Simple, Slow, Stable 

 

I hope you see the sun today!

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Waterfall

Hey JanCarol, 

Holding steady at 1/4 morning and evening.  I was going to do 1/2 morning, and 1/4 evening, but decided on trying to be as even as possible.  

So, I didn't take it for a few days last week.  Friday afternoon/evening, I took 1/2.  Saturday morning, I also took 1/2.  Saturday night, I took 1/4. 

Sunday morning, morning and night, I took 1/4.  This morning, I took 1/4.  Tonight I plan to take 1/4.  And again tomorrow.  Steady at 1/4.  

It was so tempting to take some this afternoon.  I'm trying so hard to just pick something and stay steady.  It's really hard to cut these pills

to anything close to consistent sizes.  I"m afraid some of them are closer to 1/3.  I'll have to read into that liquid dosing I saw mentioned 

somewhere.  It's supposed to be accurate.  For now I favor the bigger pieces over the smaller ones.  

How will I know what stable looks like?  I thought that 3 1/2 months out from my latest crash that I could handle what I thought was a small 

change.  I wasn't as stable as I thought, and it wasn't as small a change as I thought.  I still have so much to learn, it seems.  It's hard not to 

doubt that I can actually live without pills some day.  That I'll develop the coping skills I need.  I felt very weak today.  But having seen so many

people that have come off so many more drugs after being on them so much longer, I believe it must be doable, if I just go about it right.  

Hopefully I have a better day tomorrow.  

 

 

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Rosetta

Hi Waterfall,

 

I "heard" that if you quote the moderator in your post she will be notified that she was quoted and will look at your thread.  That way you don't need to email her.  If JanCarol doesn't respond maybe you could try that.  

 

I'm glad you chose 1/4 of the pill for am and pm.  If you can handle WD with the lower dose that's better.  I agree that if the pills are coming out all different sizes you should use a liquid.  Maybe this site has a post about whether you can dissolve the pills in water?

 

Oh, yes, you can taper off and live without these meds.  You will have to get stable and then learn to manage your moods.  Don't worry about that now -- just give yourself time to stabilize.  You can do it.  

 

You do not want to be like me -- 15 years of SSRIs.  Right now, my husband is so happy to see my personality coming back.  He has known me for 23 years -- for 7 years before I took Celexa and for the entire 15 years on the meds.  He is very happy now that the really horrible WD symptoms have been over for just about a month, and he sees the person who he knew as his girlfriend returning little by little.  You don't want to change into an SSRI personality, Waterfall.  I suppose I will always be wondering what 15 years of SSRIs have done to me and what the future holds, but seeing my husband excited and happy that I am off the meds is making me very happy, too.  I'm so glad you found this site only a few years after you started Celexa/citalopram.

 

I know you are tired and worried right now.  I do not mean to discount how you feel.  Fear that one needs the med is very, very common.  Why did I stay on it so long after all?  People say that particular fear is a WD symptom and it could be something that happens only in WD, but I believe it's also a side effect of the meds when we take them.  It's a normal fear that is outsized and more intense due to the med's effects.  Maybe it's an aspect of spellbinding.  If you can, think this positive thought: be glad that you are where you are right now -- off the SSRI.  I wish I had taken the SSRI a shorter time, and you don't have to wish that.  

 

Even if you have some rough patches ahead you are off of the SSRI, and believe me, that is a good thing.  I was struggling with cognitive issues for years before 2011 when I CT'd the Celexa.  I thought they were normal for me - confusion and a host of others.  I can't believe I ever thought that now that my mind is becoming more clear.  Now, I can see the cognitive difficulties might have been due to long term exposure to the meds.  I was only in my 30s, and I was under a lot of stress, but my inability to think straight should not have been that severe.  It was absurd for me to think the cognitive difficulties were normal after the education and testing I had completed and passed before I took the meds!  My husband confirms this, of course.

 

Have a good day,

 

Rosetta

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JanCarol

Hey Waterfall

 

Glad to hear you are staying at 1/4 tablet morning and evening.  If this is enough, if this is helping - then stay there.  You sound more stable again - so it sounds like the "least possible dose" is working.

 

Yes, it will be tempting to take PRN's - but - don't do it!  Not even a crumb!  

We taper more gently here than other benzo forums, so we'll try and make it as easy on you as possible.  Thank you for posting on the benzo side.  I see that Shep is already helping you out.  

 

Be sure and keep your emotions, symptoms, and your main journal here - the benzo side is for tapering only.  If she needs to, Shep will check here to see what is going on (you see how she put links to both on the first post of each one, so that we can move back and forth smoothly).  

 

22 hours ago, Waterfall said:

I'll have to read into that liquid dosing I saw mentioned 

somewhere. 

 

HERE on your thread.  Re-reading your thread is a great way to find hidden gems.  This site is huge and can be overwhelming to find what you need - so moderators point you to the threads you need.

 

I'll repost them here again:

 

How to Make a Liquid from Tablets or Capsule

 

Using an Oral Syringe and other Tapering Techniques 

 

Here, you can see a video of someone making a liquid:

 

 

6 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I "heard" that if you quote the moderator in your post she will be notified that she was quoted and will look at your thread.  That way you don't need to email her.  If JanCarol doesn't respond maybe you could try that.  

 

That's one way to do it.  You can highlight just the part you want to quote, and an option to "Quote this" will come up (so that your thread isn't full of long quotes)

Another way to do it is to put an ampersand in front of my username.  @JanCarol and you can select my avatar from a drop-down menu, and I will see that I've been "tagged."

I am around the site not very much, as I'm trying to establish my own life and website - but I'm passionate about drug recovery, so I can't stay away totally! 

So it helps to get a PM, a quote, or a tag to know that you want to talk to me.  Please don't abuse it, however - you can re-read your thread and learn a lot.  (like liquid tapering, was already on your thread).

 

22 hours ago, Waterfall said:

  It's hard not to 

doubt that I can actually live without pills some day.  That I'll develop the coping skills I need.

 

You can, and you will.  You're very nearly there!  Trust Shep to guide your tapering off of clonazepam.  I notice that she told you it is a very strong drug - 20x stronger than Valium.  

She'll get you there, and if you are proactive, and take charge at "undiagnosing" and "unpatienting" yourself, you'll do it.

You got this!

I hope you see the sun today.

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Waterfall

Thank you two again for posting.

I can't tell you enough how much it means to me.  

I just wanted you to know that while the last couple days were hard, in a 'I don't

know if I can do this.' kind of way, today

was more, 'This is hard, but I think, just

maybe, that I can handle this.'

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Waterfall

Really curious what a PRN is.  

Felt pretty rough again today. 

This morning I had trouble getting breakfast down. 

Had trouble staying awake after that, right up until lunch. 

My doctor wants me to work through a book called 

The Worry Workbook. 

So I looked at it for the first time with my Mom this afternoon. 

We talked a lot.  And cried a lot.  

The crying felt good. 

But I wonder if that made me feel worse this afternoon, 

or if that would have happened anyway. 

Anyway, I felt panicky this afternoon. 

Actually kinda around that 3:00 time again. 

Maybe that's a coincidence.  It's when I left my Mom's. 

It's also when I pick up the kids from school.  

Anyway, after that I felt kinda sick and dizzy,

and weak and achy after the panic mostly passed. 

Also been having a bit of a headache on and off. 

Plus the usual chest, back, and neck pain.  

Right now my hands are sweating as I type. 

I hope a down day or two will be followed by another up day or two. 

I'll take any kind of windows I can get.  

 

Still holding at 1/4 morning and night. 

Can't help worrying about whether that's the dose I should be taking. 

But I wanted to give it fair chance, which means sticking with it for a while. 

 

Also have a sore throat, noticed it briefly this morning, and again just now.  

Hopefully I'm not coming down with something, on top of everything else. 

 

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JanCarol

Hey Waterfall - 

 

On 10/01/2018 at 5:01 PM, Waterfall said:

'This is hard, but I think, just

maybe, that I can handle this.'

 

I was listening to a Danish lecture by Peter Goetzsche, about withdrawal.

 

He talked about benzos, and the foremost authority on Benzos in Denmark would not have allowed any reinstatement at all.  He only allows Benzos to go down.  That's the same as the Ashton Protocol.

 

I said we were more gentle here, and it's true. 

 

If a 1/2 reinstatement helps, then that's better.  I reckon it's hard - but it's not as hard as it was when you CT'd!  If you'd stayed there, you ran the risk of developing a protracted condition.  

You are lucky!  You can get this under control, and if you survive the worst of this, it will get better. 

It's still early days on your reinstatement, once you've reinstated for about 3 weeks, you will see better what it's going to be like long term.

 

The Worry Workbook sounds good - that sounds like CBT for anxiety.  And crying - is the best, especially when you are recovering from an antidepressant withdrawal.  It shows that you have access to your feelings, which is great!  Crying releases endorphins, and this is so healing for your nervous system.  Let it go, feel it fully, and then - if you need to - rest afterwards.

 

19 hours ago, Waterfall said:

Anyway, I felt panicky this afternoon. 

Actually kinda around that 3:00 time agai

 

If it's happening around the same time every day, it may have to do with your cortisol cycle.  Your clonazepam is nicely spaced out now, so it's not likely to be dropouts of the drug.  More likely to be your own natural cortisol cycle.  Can you say to yourself:  "Oh, my cortisol just fired," and separate the feelings in your body from the concept of "anxiety."  Just because your body just jumped, it doesn't mean that you are "anxious."

Claire Weekes talks about this.  Dr. Claire Weekes - Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System  

 

and remember that 3 minute  First Aid for Panic recording.  Download it to your phone so that you have it with you at all times.


As for the sore throat - we forget the simple things - gargle with salt water.  It may just be a histamine reaction as your body is destabilised.  If, after 3 days of gargling with salt water it doesn't improve, then you might have yourself checked for infection.

You are so brave for toughing this out!  Remember - same dose, same time - every day!

 

And I hope you see the sun today!

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Waterfall

Hey JanCarol.

 

Just wanted you to know,

I remember reading that post from

Claire Weekes before, but I really

appreciated reading it again.

Especially because the symptom that is

currently bothering me the most is that

feeling of heaviness.  I had been 

wondering if I was always going to feel 

so weak and so sore, and so... heavy!

 

I had a nasty bout of nausea and gas the

other night on Wednesday, and the rush

of cortisol is always at hand.  I really

appreciate the encouragement.

 

Tomorrow is a busy day, and it's hard not

to stress about it and how I'll make it 

through.  How I'll handle the rough bits,

or what I'll do if I crash a bit harder 

tomorrow, but I'm not going to die

tomorrow, so I'll face whatever comes, with whatever acceptance I can muster.

 

Wishing you all the best,

Waterfall.

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Waterfall

Oh, and I'll admit it, the mention of a

protracted condition scared me.

My current goal is to be more consistent

with the specific time that I take my

meds, and to try get more sleep.

Those are actually two separate 

thoughts I had in response to some things you said.

Also, looking forward to having my brain work better again.  Someday.

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JanCarol

Hey Waterfall - 

 

On 11/01/2018 at 5:51 PM, Waterfall said:

Really curious what a PRN is.  

 

Sorry, that's a medical term   PRN stands for the Latin (don't worry  I had to look it up) Pro Re Nata which means "as needed."

 

In psychiatric terms, these are extra doses that your doctor says it's okay to take - for pain, for anxiety, just whenever.  Some people are told, when they are given a benzo script, that they can take "up to" so many tablets a day, as needed.  PRN.    All the good studies say that it leads to abusive behaviour, causes more spikes and valleys in your plasma, and is very addictive.  Here's one study focusing on benzodiazapenes specifically.

 

Oh!  And I see that I forgot to give you the link on cortisol cycles

 

On 13/01/2018 at 6:06 PM, Waterfall said:

r what I'll do if I crash a bit harder 

tomorrow, but I'm not going to die

tomorrow, so I'll face whatever comes, with whatever acceptance I can muster.

.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, think about tomorrow, tomorrow.  As I say to my little sister, "That's later."

Deal with what is on your plate now.

Acceptance is good - curiosity is even better.  What will it be?  What can I learn from it?

If it's heaviness and fatigue, learn to rest.  If it's restlessness and agitation, be curious - find the source if you can, and if you can - find ways to use it.  (turn anxiety into excitement:  Atlantic: I am Excited! Turn Anxiety into Excitement).
 

On 13/01/2018 at 6:09 PM, Waterfall said:

, the mention of a

protracted condition scared me

 

That's later.  MUCH later.  You are nowhere near that right now.   There may still be some residuals 5 years out.  Even with residuals (my sleep is still wonky, for example), you will be so grateful to be free that you won't mind them.  But talking about protracted now is wayyyyy premature.  You won't know for years.  If you look at my "success story" thread, I show that my symptoms were cut by 2/3 over 3 years time.  Look to the horizon, and realize that while it might guide your general direction,  it is still faraway.  It is more important to watch your feet right now so that you don't stumble.  Pay attention to what is in front of you.

 

On 13/01/2018 at 6:09 PM, Waterfall said:

My current goal is to be more consistent

with the specific time that I take my

meds, and to try get more sleep.

 

Just like that!  

 

Okay - for the sake of long-term record keeping - please put the date that you reinstated the clonazepam in your signature, so that we can track your progress from that date.

 

You've got a great attitude, and you can get through this!

 

I hope you see the Sun today.

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Rosetta

Waterfall,. How are you?  I hope you are feeling better. -- Rosetta

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Waterfall

Hey, 

Sorry guys.  I've haven't posted for a few days.  

Had a few tough days.  Had moments here and there that were better.  

Today.  Today is a really tough day.  

I suppose parts of yesterday were okay.  

Others were rough.  

All afternoon I had trouble staying awake. 

Slept on and off in my chair for a while.  

Had to babysit that evening. 

Which really just means sitting around reading books, etc, for 2 hours at my brother's place. 

His were already in bed, and didn't peep all night. 

But the time just crawled.  Was on the edge of panic half the time. 

Sadly made it worse by looking up the author I was reading... 

Who died unexpectedly.  

Of a heart attack.  At 27 (younger than I am). 

Thankfully I was mostly calm again by the time they came home. 

 

But back on track here... 

Today.  Today has been really hard. 

I just feel so tired today.  And heavy.  My chest is heavy. 

And it hurts.  And I'm constantly clearing phlegm from my throat. 

No cough.  But I still wonder if I'm coming down with the flu my husband had. 

I'm just so sore, and tired.  And headachey. 

I've had tinnitus a few times this week.  Thankfully it goes away again too. 

I can't imagine what it must be like for those people who have it all the time.  For years.  

I've developed a twitch in my left eyelid for the past couple days.  

 

In the good news department, I've noticed that I've gotten better at dealing with 

spikes from my central nervous system, when my body believes it's in trouble, I don't

always believe it too anymore.  I'm better at saying, it's okay, I'll be okay.  Not always

right away.  Sometimes I feel awful in body and mind for a while.  First couple hours

this morning were really bad.  I felt like giving up.  But then it eases, and you feel that

hope again, that yeah, I can do this.  If I rest, or wait, or push on, this too will pass.  

If my body is freaking out, I notice when I reach that point again, where okay, I still 

feel rough, but this will pass, and I'll be okay.  Maybe I don't feel okay right now, but 

it will get better again.  Sometimes I'm afraid it won't.  Today I've been afraid that I

-am- getting worse.  That things will just keep getting worse.  But I had some good

moments today too.  Did some light housework.  And I spent the last few hours 

just chillin' in my chair.  Tried to give myself a bit of a break, I guess.  Didn't sleep 

like I did yesterday.  Not sure if that's a good sign or not. 

 

Hoping to try get to bed earlier tonight.  Lately I usually go to sleep between 12 and 1. 

I'd like to get to bed before 11.  That's my goal.   I'd like to aim for 8 hours of sleep a

night, to see if playing 'catch up' will help with how I feel.  Usually I get close to 6.  

Sometimes I get a little less.  Sometimes I get closer to 7.  Once in a while, I actually 

get 8, but that's rare.  I keep track with my fitbit.  

 

Other goals:

Take pills on time.  (Still working on that... but at least I take 1/4 every morning after

   I wake up, and 1/4 before I go to bed.  I try to make sure, at the very least, that I don't

   take them closer than 8 hour together.  Wondering right now, if maybe instead of 

   taking it at bedtime, which I'm not keeping consistent right now, and therefore not

   being consistent with my pill, maybe I should aim first to take the pill at the same

   time, and then aim to keep my bedtime consistent too... not sure.)

Get at least a little bit of exercise each day.  Now for me right now this doesn't mean

   going for a walk outside specifically, but more like getting out of my chair and doing

   just a bit of my housework.  Collecting a bit of laundry.  Running a load.  Clearing the

   table.  Emptying the dishwasher.  Loading the dishwasher.  Picking up a few toys.  

   Sweeping the floor.  Those kinds of things.  Just a bit at a time.  

Getting out once in a while.  Whether to the store.  Or a short coffee with a friend.  A 

   visit with my Mom.  Babysitting for my brother.  Stepping outside with my kids.  Maybe

   a small walk down to the garbage or recycling bins, instead of sending my son (did that

   today!)  

Trying to change the way I think.  Even if I don't know what that means right now.  Looked

   twice at the worry workbook now.  Done some reading of Claire Weeke's and the idea of

   acceptance.  Thought about things I can control vs. things I can't.   

 

Also worried about whether I really can manage this anxiety/depression/panic that I have. 

Saw another post today from someone dealing with a teenager with anxiety.  Seems like

the stigma used to be against those who took meds.  If you took meds, you were looked

down on.  Now, you're looked down on if you have 'mental illness' and aren't taking meds. 

Like, duh, of course you take meds, you'd be stupid not to.  

 

Am I stupid?  

 

I just want to stop feeling sick.  And scared.  

I want to live.  

And do. 

Not just exist.  

Survive.  

I want to be a Mom. 

Not just the bump on the couch that stops them from killing themselves.  

 

And I don't want to crash again.  

 

Oh, and I have no idea when I reinstated.  Or when I stopped.  Or for how long.  

I have a really bad concept of time.  Especially long term time.  

Um... I'll try look at the posts I made before and get a rough idea.  

 

Thank you again for your posts, you two.  

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Waterfall

Whew.  

 

Not sure why. 

Today was really tough.  

Some parts were better.  

Some parts were really hard. 

So hard not to get discouraged.  

 

Bit headachey. 

Pounding, pounding, pounding of the heart. 

Sore.  Stiff.  Tense. 

Hungry.  No, not hungry.  Heartburn.  

Weird hearing.  Trouble focusing my eyes sometimes.  

Eyelid twitch.  

Couple panicky cortisol swoosh effect things today. 

 

Trigger?  

Can't seem to stand and sing at the same time.  

Singing can be tough sitting too, I suppose.  

But not like trying to stand and sing.  

Makes me lightheaded.  That's when I had trouble focusing my eyes.  

While singning. 

And standing.  

 

Wasn't till afterwards, or nearly the end, I suppose, of my singing, I mean... 

That I was suddenly thinking about that post where someone said

that if you breathe in, hold, etc, for the wrong spaces of time, 

people have given themselves heart attacks. 

Made me wonder if standing and singing could do the same thing. 

Sure makes me feel awful, that's for sure.  

 

Anyway.  

Having trouble settling down to sleep tonight. 

Trying to have a little snack, and see if I can just... relax.  

And see what happens.  

Hopefully it results in sleep. 

 

Had a really good sleep last night. 

Wish that meant I had a better day today. 

 

Have to say, I go to church, for two services, every Sunday. 

And multiple times in the service, we stand and sing.  

Sometimes, we also sit and sing.  

I definitely struggle much more some times than others.  

Wasn't an issue until the end of last summer.

I love to sing.  Singing normally makes me feel good. 

I don't want to stop singing.   

But today.  Today was one of the hardest times.  Ever.  

 

Why?  

I always wish I knew why.  

If only I understand things, it really helps.  

I guess sometimes I have to let go of understanding everything. 

And just see how it goes.  

 

Oh, I also panicked earlier this week, because I tried some herbal teas. 

And I became really afraid that one of them was going to interact with the clonazepam.  

Asked the pharmacist when I went for my refill this week.  

Confirmed that nothing I'm trying should interact.  

 

But whether it's the herbal tea, 

or the stupid sugary cereal I just couldn't resist eating some of lately (as a snack, not a meal), 

or the fact that it's a certain point in my cycle, which may or may not mean anything... 

I'm having a rough couple of days.  

Really rough.  

And I hope tomorrow is better.  

 

But hey.  

I'm still here.  

I survived another day.  

And another one.  

I got a little bit of exercise. 

Got out today.  Twice. 

I think I handled the 'panic attack' cortisol spike moments, really well, actually.  

Didn't handle the weak, faint, heart pounding singing moments so well. 

A-a-and we'll see what tomorrow brings.  

 

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Waterfall

Oh, just felt like pointing out:
Good sleep last night, means I slept 7 hours and 48 minutes!!  

Nice, eh?  

Even got a decent amount of deep sleep and rem too.  

So think that if life was fair, that would have meant I had an awesome day today... 

So hey, if it's murphy's law at work, I'm going to sleep awful tonight, just so I can have a great day tomorrow.  

Okay, so not likely, but I thought it might make someone smile.  Just a little.  

Come on, smile.  : D  

 

Wishing you all the best. 

Good Night.  

Waterfall. 

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Rosetta

Your posts always make me chuckle because of your dry sense of humor and writing style.  I'm very happy to hear you had so much good sleep.  Thinking of you and sending good vibes.

 

Rosetta

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Waterfall

Well.  

I haven't posted in a while.  

So typical of me... I write posts here:

only in my head, and they never reach my computer. 

 

I've really been struggling. 

It's been almost 3 months.. okay, 2 1/2, since my last drug change.

Every time I think, now THIS has got to be the hardest stretch I've had.  

Then it feels like it gets harder.  

I wonder sometimes if that is true.  

Or is NOW, always the hardest, because I'm currently experiencing it? 

 

Anyway.  

Sometimes I feel so hopeless.  Sometimes I feel more hopeful. 

I'm hoping that someone will respond and send me some encouragement. 

The last little while has been characterized by a significant increase in symptoms. 

I've been feeling weak.  And sore.  Especially in my arms.  But my legs also.  

My limbs often feel heavy, or thick.  The bottoms of my feet often feel sore and thick too.

I've had some terrible pain in my back, neck, and shoulders.  

My feet, hands, and my lips often tingle a lot, or go to 'sleep'. 

I seem to have a permanent tick on my left eye. 

I struggle with my vision. 

My hearing does weird things. 

I'm hungry.  Starving.  And then I'm not.  And then I am. 

And then I have heart burn.  

Then I'm constipated.  And then I have the runs.  

I'm constantly exhausted.  

Oh, and dizzy.  I hate that one.  

I feel like I can barely walk around or even stand in one place for long. 

Even sitting at the table with my family for a meal is hard. 

My muscles are all tense.  Sometimes I find myself clenching my hands.  

Sometimes my arms ache with tension. 

Sometimes my abdomen feels like it's tied in one big tight knot.  

I begun to have frequent headaches.  

And I've started having trouble sleeping. 

I struggle with a lot of anxiety and panic.  

Sometimes, but not as often as before, my heart will pound.  

I've had a few episodes of weird heart palpitations.  

 

To be fair to my poor body, I'm under a fair bit of stress right now. 

We have to move soon. 

I'm supposed to be packing up my house. 

And I'm getting nothing done. 

I'm expecting my in-laws next week. 

And it was when they came last time, that I started this latest nasty roller coaster of horrible symptoms. 

 

I've been trying to do more reading around this site and elsewhere.  

But every time I try, I just find myself more worried.  : (  

Even success stories... I get worried reading about where they've come from, 

wondering if I'm going to still experience the symptoms they have 

that I don't have, or the ones we share that they have worse than I do.  

 

I read one success story where the person said he figured that we can all recover, 

and that the ones that didn't were the ones who were doing the right things.  

Well.  How do I do the right things?  

I don't feel like I am doing them right now.  

 

I don't hardly dare take any supplements, since when I last tried, 

I didn't seem to be able to tolerate any of them without a sharp increase in cortisol spikes.  

The magnesium I bought gives me the runs.  

I haven't had the energy to go to the store and get something else. 

I tried the epsom salts baths, but it seems every time I take a bath 

(which I have to say, does feel relaxing) I seem to get infection bubbling up from under my skin, which feels awful. 

I also seem to be prone to suddenly getting sick afterwards, be it a cold, a throat infection, etc.  

I've been trying to drink more water, eat healthier, and get more sleep. 

The sleep part has definitely not been working well for the past week, at least.  

 

Oh, I guess I should add that my skin rash on my hands is still an issue.  

Seems to flare, and clear a bit, and flare, and clear a bit, without ever really going away. 

I'm also having more trouble reading, concentrating, thinking, or even watching shows. 

I can't hardly get anything done, and I can't even seem to relax that well right now.  

 

But in spite of it all, I've noticed in the past couple days I had a few short moments where I felt good. 

I like to think that they were little windows, even though they were so short-lived.  

 

Today was the worst day yet. 

I could barely eat breakfast.  

At one point I was actually shivering and shaking.  

I feel like such a wreck.  : (  

 

I'm still taking 1/4 pill of 0.25 of Clonazepam each morning and night. 

I've been taking it faithfully since around New Years.  

It seems I did finally miss -once- taking my pill, and that was yesterday morning.  

Of course I may have made a mistake some other time, but I've been pretty faithful. 

 

Please.  Can someone offer me some hope?  

 

 

 

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Waterfall

Now having spilled my guts mostly on my negative feelings, here's a positive one for today:
I had a largely awful day, but I survived it!  I'm still here!  I can still stand up.  It could have been much worse. 

And hey, if I can survive a day like today... well, then I may just live to see things get better!  

Maybe that doesn't seem like much of a positive thought to you, but if you look at it the right way, it is.  

I surprised myself that, considering how I felt today, that I didn't do worse.  

And I survived it.  I accomplished my goals for today.  Even if they weren't set very high. 

I did it.  I made it through.  

What did I do, you ask?  I went out to an event.  Walked around.  Talked to people.  

Went out afterwards for lunch with someone.  And then spent much of the afternoon still standing on my feet. 

Sometimes I thought I couldn't walk another step.  Or keep going another minute.  

But I did.  

And hopefully... oh, ever so hopefully, maybe tomorrow will be better.  

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Rosetta

Hi Waterfall,

 

This is the hard part.  I've been there.  I couldn't take the baths, I couldn't take the magnesium, I was too weak to shower, I had heavy legs, I couldn't eat much of anything, but it sounds like you are getting windows and you went out!  That is a very good sign that you could tolerate that.  Take it easy though.  That was quite a day, and I wonder if you felt worse after that. 

 

Try less of the magnesium.  Can you dissolve it in water?  Some people sip that throughout the day.  I still get the runs when I have too much and the amount that is too much can change from day to day, but it's ok to have a little glitch like that.  I often think that if I have less anxiety it's worth the occasional runs.  

 

Doing the the right thing is staying away from all medications, drugs, alcohol, and supplements except magnesium and Omega 3 and ibuprophen once in a while if you can tolerate it.  The only other right things are to rest, take walks, get sunshine, and try to avoid stress.  

 

We can't always avoid stress, but if you can try to take it in short doses.  What I did is tell my husband to tell my MIL that I had a stroke.  It was the only explanation for what had happened and although I didn't realize it when it happened, I was sure that all my symptoms can be explained by that.  Then, I said to say I'm slowly getting better as stroke victims do.  I don't consider this a lie.  What happened to us is exactly what a stroke does.  It's easier for other people to understand than the full truth, and they do tend to back off.

 

I wish I could say more, but I have to get some things done.  I hope you get some little Windows today!

 

Peace, Rosetta

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Waterfall

Hey Rosetta, 

 

I know that I didn't answer, but I want you to know how much I appreciated your response.  

It's been a tough slog.  The last few weeks in particular have been so rough.  

And now it's here.  The toughest part of all.  

My in-laws are here.  

 

My legs hurt so bad.  My arms hurt.  I'm tense from head to toe.  

I've had cortisol spikes every morning for the last week or two as well.  

Sometimes I also have what I think is a burst of cortisol around 2ish.  

 

Today I've already had my cortisol spike this morning, followed by a strong panic attack. 

And then I rushed around all morning.  

Now I feel like an absolute wreck.  I've panicked again.  

Came down again.  Mostly.  But I'm so tense. 

My chest hurts.  My throat hurts.  My head hurts.  My heart pounds and skips. 

I want to stay calm.  But -trying- to stay calm isn't working. 

I'm shaking.  I've been crying on a off for the last few days.  

My period, which was supposed to come around the 14th, finally came yesterday. 

I am just a complete mess.  

And this is only the first day. 

They are going to be here until Wednesday morning

And I have no idea how to make it through this. 

 

Strange, but I'm thrilled that at least I can cry... 

 

But I'm still terrified that I won't make it through this. 

I don't know how.  

I can barely think straight.  

I can barely walk around.  

I can barely eat.  

My stomach is in knots.  

My hands and arms are so tense it's hard to type.  Or hold my mouse. 

So even playing my favourite computer game is hard right now. 

I went to the store yesterday, and spent hours recovering.  

I'm trying to breathe.  Stay calm.  

Relax.  

But the lump in my throat, the weight and pain in my chest make it feel like I can hardly breathe at all.  

 

My husband wants me to take some extra clonazepam for the weekend.  

I told him that I thought that would destabilize me further.  

He's not convinced.  

How bad can one pill be?  

I don't know how else to calm down. 

I've crashed a few times, and every time I do,

what they do to calm me down, when I panic and can't stop,

is give me clonazepam.  

I'm trying to get off the stuff.  

How do I survive this?  

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Waterfall

Another symptom that I hate right now, is the fact that it feels like someone is jamming needles into my ears.  

Together with the pain in my shoulders, my arms, and my back, and my legs, I guess all of me hurts.  

That and the constant lump in my throat for the last week or two, and I feel like I'm going to have trouble breathing or swallowing.  

 

I realize that I'm obsessing about my symptoms too much. 

But that is the hardest thing for me, since I've struggled with health anxiety since I was 5. 

 

I'm trying so hard to keep reminding myself that it's the withdrawal.  

I will get better with time.  

I will get through this. 

I will get through this.

I will get through this.

I will get through this. 

I will get through this... 

 

 

 

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Waterfall

Whew.  How could I forget?  There is also the burping.  Been pretty constant for the past week or more as well.  

And the numbness in my hands and feet.  If I stand for any length of time then my feet feel like I've got a thick pad on the bottom.  

And the headaches.  Lots of those lately too.  

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Rosetta

I'm so sorry.  Extra Clonazapam is not an option in my opinion.  It's very likely to cause more destabilization, and it may not actually help in the short term.  I'm sorry your husband doesn't understand that.  I wish I could say something that would help.  This is very difficult, but you will get through it.  Breathe and retreat.  Say you have a headache and need to lie down.  Anything to avoid more cortisol.  A bath?

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JanCarol
Posted (edited)

Hey Waterfall - 

 

On 1/7/2018 at 5:25 PM, JanCarol said:


 

On 1/7/2018 at 5:21 AM, Waterfall said:

For a long time already, I've always

rubbed my feet around in a circle against each other in order to help myself

fall asleep

 

OMG I do this!  I recently decided that it was because I was a foster child from birth to 9 months old.  That I developed this habit to self-soothe, when I had no Mommy - at a time in my life when Mommy is EVERYTHING.  It's like my secret weapon.

 

 

I think that Rosetta had a point that this could be mild akathisia.

 

I have, since I posted that, learned something magical and powerful about that instinct to "rub feet."

I have posted about that power here:  JanCarol - Toe Tapping and Heart Tapping

 

Toe tapping helps to ground and center you, and apparently improves your sleep as well!

I've been counting, as I do it before I go to sleep at night.  Sometimes I feel satisfied after my toes tap together 30 times.  Sometimes it's 100.  Rarely it's over that.  Last night it was 72, I was surprised - I like to do even numbers, but I felt "done," so I stopped (and slept beautifully).

I also want to make sure you see this video - I posted the link just above the Recovery Video, but this one is important:

 

 

On 1/9/2018 at 4:13 PM, Waterfall said:

It was so tempting to take some this afternoon.  I'm trying so hard to just pick something and stay steady. 

 

Here's Alto's secret weapon:  mag water.  Dissolve one of your magnesium tablets in a 16 oz glass (or jar)  of water.  Make sure it is fully dissolved (stir, etc.) 

Then put it in the fridge.

 

When you want to take something extra, go to the fridge and take a few sips of your mag water.  Take a deep breath, and tell yourself something positive like (my personal favourite):  "I got this," or "I'll be okay."

 

On 1/21/2018 at 11:36 AM, Waterfall said:

I've had tinnitus a few times this week.  Thankfully it goes away again too. 

I can't imagine what it must be like for those people who have it all the time.  For years. 

 

That would be me.  So much so that today I was researching on the web about new ways to think about it.

 

Like messages from angels, or God trying to talk to me.  I'll go with that for now, and see if I get any results.  Like - if it's a pressing message that I'm too stubborn to listen to - perhaps - listening, paying attention will help.

 

(but I'm not too encouraged, since I have had hearing problems since childhood - worsened by an injury.)

On 1/21/2018 at 11:36 AM, Waterfall said:

Wondering right now, if maybe instead of 

   taking it at bedtime, which I'm not keeping consistent right now, and therefore not

   being consistent with my pill, maybe I should aim first to take the pill at the same

   time, and then aim to keep my bedtime consistent too

 

This is a great idea!  Let's try and get them about 12 hours apart.  So if your morning Klonopin is at 8 am, take the evening one at 8 pm.  If that makes you tired by 10 pm - then go to bed!  (I know, it's hard, and so nice to have 'me time' when everyone else is asleep)

On 1/21/2018 at 11:36 AM, Waterfall said:

Getting out once in a while.  Whether to the store.  Or a short coffee with a friend.  A 

   visit with my Mom.  Babysitting for my brother.  Stepping outside with my kids. 

 

Another great idea!  I try to do social contact at least once a week, but a little nature contact (feet on grass, eyes on sky) every day.

 

 

On 1/21/2018 at 11:36 AM, Waterfall said:

Seems like

the stigma used to be against those who took meds.  If you took meds, you were looked

down on.  Now, you're looked down on if you have 'mental illness' and aren't taking meds. 

Like, duh, of course you take meds, you'd be stupid not to.  

 

Am I stupid?  

 

Grrrrrr!  You are dumb like a fox!

I hear you.  It's - so frustrating to be who I am - and know what I know - and then go out in the streets, in public, to dinner with friends, and hear the words "mental illness" or "He went off his meds...."


It's a special kind of torture to see my friends and family - 

 when I'm here - and I'm the least of these (moderators) - and see and hear the suffering these drugs have caused - and then know that my friends who are having trouble  - think that the drugs are helping.  They say that 20% of America is on some sort of psych drug.  I think it is higher, as I believe that 60% of my friends (my friends tend to be impoverished, struggling for work, or chronically ill) are on them, and easily half of my family.

 

On 1/22/2018 at 5:30 PM, Waterfall said:

Trigger?  

Can't seem to stand and sing at the same time.  

Singing can be tough sitting too, I suppose.  

But not like trying to stand and sing.  

Makes me lightheaded.  That's when I had trouble focusing my eyes.  

While singning. 

And standing.  

 

Interesting!  I reckon this means your vagus nerve is re-regulating.  It also may mean that your breathing is shallow, chest-based breathing instead of belly breathing.  And you know exactly where your challenge is!

 

I would encourage you to sit and sing as much as possible.  When you inhale, expand your belly - make it pooch out as far as possible and suck in air.  Just today I was meditating that my breath was being pulled down from my heels, and then my exhale was shooting out the top of my head.  I try to feel my diaphragm on the inhale, expanding down into my belly, and then feel it lifting, arching as I exhale.

Singing vibrates the vagus nerve.  This may help with your phlegm removal, may help with your digestion, and definitely helps with mood, nerves and anxiety.  It doesn't matter what you sing - in my class, I decided to teach a chant, but I didn't want to teach one which was religious - like "Om" or "Kyrie Eleison" or "Amen" - so - I had the class slow-chant:  Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da.  Tingling in fingers and brain were reported from this simple (and completely secular) chant. 

 

As you get more comfortable singing - try standing and singing, just for a short time.

I see that this post is too long, and now comes the time that I am with hubby.  I'll come back later and try to get more current.

 

You got this!  I see all kinds of positive things happening here!

I hope you see the sun today.

Edited by JanCarol

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JanCarol

Hey Waterfall - 

I am sorry to hear you are still struggling.

 

On 3/17/2018 at 3:32 PM, Waterfall said:

So typical of me... I write posts here:

only in my head, and they never reach my computer. 

 

Oh lordy!  If I had a dime for every time that happened, I'd be retired by now!

 

I used to keep a notebook of "posts I want to make," but by the time I got to them they were irrelevant!

 

(you are not alone)

 

On 3/17/2018 at 3:32 PM, Waterfall said:

I've really been struggling. 

It's been almost 3 months.. okay, 2 1/2, since my last drug change.

Every time I think, now THIS has got to be the hardest stretch I've had.  

Then it feels like it gets harder.  

I wonder sometimes if that is true.  

Or is NOW, always the hardest, because I'm currently experiencing it? 

 

I think you are onto something here:  perspective.  The monster that is in your face is more present than the one you saw last month.

You are still in the first year after a CT.  Plus you had some bounces with the benzo and other things.

Keeping it calm, keeping it steady, keeping it stable and calming - and waiting for the weather to change is the biggest help right now.  I'm sorry I can't offer you more like a flash of insight.

 

Thing is, you are having flashes of insight yourself.  You are better at calming your nervous system when it fires - and that's huge!  That's a great step towards approaching your symptoms with curiosity instead of panic.

 

All of the symptoms you describe are within the normal range for withdrawal.  If you were slow tapering, you would be at about half your regular dose (maybe more depending on symptoms).  Because you CT'd - the symptoms are more extreme - but what you are experiencing is normal for CT withdrawal.  The first year is the hardest, and the second year can be quite challenging too.  I don't know if you want to hear this in terms of years - but - like I've said before - that's the distant horizon.  It's important to know that it's off in the distance, but it's good to watch your feet and where you are now.
 

The stress of the move has got to be adding to your distress, and the in-laws can't help.  Having visitors of any kind is still a challenge for me!  

 

In the moment, try and find pearls of beauty and upliftment.  That may be all you get for now.  A patch of sky, a ray of sun, a flower, a bird, your child's laughter.  These tiny pearls - moments - aren't exactly windows, but they can help you survive until the next window.

 

None of these symptoms are likely to be permanent.  This, too, will pass.

 

Rosetta offers sound advice:
 

On 3/18/2018 at 4:07 AM, Rosetta said:

What I did is tell my husband to tell my MIL that I had a stroke.  It was the only explanation for what had happened and although I didn't realize it when it happened, I was sure that all my symptoms can be explained by that.  Then, I said to say I'm slowly getting better as stroke victims do.  

 

I don't have the same demands that you do, but I told people I had Chronic Fatigue or Fibromyalgia (depending on audience).  They find that more believable than withdrawal or drug damage.  It's just too hard to explain.

Are your kids of an age that they can help pack?  My family moved interstate so many times in my childhood.  I remember packing boxes at age 8, 10, 11 and 13.  I knew how to wrap glasses and plates by age 10.  By age 11, my mother preferred that I wrapped the delicate things and packed them, as I was proud of my work and did a pretty good job (better than the moving company anyway).

17 hours ago, Waterfall said:

My husband wants me to take some extra clonazepam for the weekend.  

I told him that I thought that would destabilize me further.  

He's not convinced.  

How bad can one pill be?  

I don't know how else to calm down. 

I've crashed a few times, and every time I do,

what they do to calm me down, when I panic and can't stop,

is give me clonazepam.  

I'm trying to get off the stuff.  

How do I survive this?  

 

One pill won't kill you, but here's the thing:  as I read your symptoms, I wonder if you are starting to have tachyphylaxis, or "poop out."  This is when the drug doesn't work as well as it used to (clonazepam).  Taking an extra dose would only make your 1/4 pill a day seem like less.  We don't advise it.  Your instincts are correct that it could be destabilising.  It may mean that your regular daily dose won't help at all (not sure how much it is helping right now - it's just staving off worse symptoms).

I'm worried that I'm not saying the right soothing, comforting things right now.  This is a situation where time and calm are needed.

 

Having the frantic activity around a move - and the in-laws - is a big deal.  Can you plead "chronic illness" and ask them to help you pack while they visit?  Can you take breaks and rest time while they are there?

 

Sipping magnesium (like Rosetta and I suggest) can help.  Taking time to listen to Claire Weekes can help.  Spending 3 minutes a day with your feet on grass can help.  Spending 10 minutes alone when you are revved up can help.  A magnesium bath can help.  Closing the door and dancing and shaking and thrashing (preferably to music) can help.  Crying can help.  There are only little things that can help, and I know it seems overwhelming to manage even one of them.  Have you started any Omega 3 fish oils?

I wish I had more to offer - I don't recommend an updose or extra dose of clonazepam, and adding any other drugs or supplements could backfire.  It's going to have to be managed in moments, this moment.  The next moment.  Until you realize that an hour, an afternoon has passed, and you will survive.  Remind yourself, "It's only withdrawal," "It's only symptoms."  It will pass and change, but it will also take time.

 

I hope you see the sun today.

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Waterfall

Thank you, JanCarol.  

Your words are very encouraging.  Just what I needed.  : )

 

Yesterday afternoon I had my two o'clock cortisol spike.  Sweating and blech.  : P  

Last night I had an awful headache.  The worst I've had yet.  

And I was super tense, and just couldn't' seem to let go. 

That may be why I had the headache.  Who knows? 

 

This morning I'm a shaky mess.  

It's a weekly thing for me to shower on Sunday morning, and I almost couldn't do it.  

After my shower I decided to call it a 'sick day', and I'll probably spend most of the day in my chair. 

 

Oh, my chair.  My special chair. 

Sometimes when I'm having a rough time, people tell me 'retreat to your room'. 

I can't.  My room somehow isn't my 'safe place'.  My retreat, is my chair.  

I have spent hours, upon hours, upon hours, sitting in this chair. 

Rocking.  And rocking.  And rocking. 

I think rocking has also been an integral part of me, as long as I can remember. 

It's what I do when I'm stressed, unhappy, scared, you name it. 

If I'm really rough, sometimes I huddle on the floor, but still, I rock.  

 

Right now my hands feel so tense I almost can't type. 

Although, interestingly, them seem a little better now that I've typed a little, than they did when I started. 

This was a post that almost ended at nothing more than 'Thank you, JanCarol'. 

I wasn't sure if I was going to get out any more than that. 

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm prattling on, and being a nuisance or something. 

But I've decided that this is actually very therapeutic, when I can manage to do it. 

I think it's healthy for me to pour my thoughts on paper, as I think them through. 

Sometimes I stumble upon helpful thoughts I didn't even know I had.  

Sometimes I just dump out my fears, instead of bottling them up with tension.  

I don't even know all the reasons why it helps, but I just think that it does. 

 

And Rosetta, and JanCarol.  You guys are a lifeline of light, in a long, dark tunnel. 

I can't think to much about how long a tunnel this is going to be.  

Sometimes I see the light, far off in the distance.  

Sometimes it seems brighter.  Sometimes oh, so dim.  

Sometimes I lose it altogether.  

But I'm starting to learn, even when it disappears for a while, it will be back. 

Sometimes I forget that too.  But then I try to remember, that remembering comes back too. 

Every little bit.  

Little pearls.  

Tiny stars in the tunnel, when you can't see the sunshine past the end of the tunnel. 

And the road may run through another tunnel, after this one.  

I'm so glad this tunnel has windows in it now and then.  

 

I'm beginning to recognize those windows a little better sometimes too. 

I've had a few small moments in the last day or two, where I suddenly felt... positive. 

I even went so far as to feel like, "Symptoms?  Yeah!?!  Bring 'em on!"  

It felt great. 

Didn't last, mind you.  But it felt great.  

 

I actually find it kinda... weird.  

How positive this post sounds.  

Considering how I feel. 

And how this last couple days and weeks have felt. 

Does this mean I am learning?  

Can I really grow?  

And change? 

 

I have trouble with breathing exercises.  

But one thing I -can- do, is belly breathing.  

I've done some this past couple days.  

I don't know if it helps, but I presume it does, so I will keep doing it. 

Feeling like I'm doing something, is sometimes enough of something. 

 

My most annoying symptoms today (for my own personal record, if nothing else) are:
Chest pain. 

Lump in my throat. 

Shortness of breath (if that's even what it is... but it's a lousy feeling whatever it is)

Muscle aches and pains.

Sore knees and elbows. 

Neck pain. 

Jaw pain. 

Every so often a sharp pain in my abdomen

And burping.  How could I forget the burping. 

And the part where sometimes parts of me are freezing. 

And sometimes at the same time, other parts are sweating.

Did I mention pain? 

 

Oh, that's right.  Last evening, my finger tips hurt!  It was weird.  

Didn't want to touch anything with them.  

Frustrating nonsense.  

 

And then I was shaky.  

Yesterday I felt like I normally would the day after the flu, when your stomach muscles 

are super shaky from lots of throwing up.  

Okay, I'm rereading what I just wrote, and going to shaky, is moving backwards in time, not forward. 

Though it seems like both yesterday and today it was worst in the morning.  

 

I guess I should be glad that the symptoms sort of take turns of prominence.  

For a little while, it's the aches that I can't stand.  

Then it's the chest pain.  

Then it's the lump in my throat, that feels like it's seriously going to choke me this time. 

Then it's back to the pain in my knees.  

Then it's my elbow that's really bothering me. 

Then it's the fact that I'm shaking.  

 

I'm not sure if I would choose to have it keep changing, or stay the same. 

But since I can't choose, I'll be glad that I don't have to deal with any one of them with unrelenting constancy.  

I think. 

For now.  I guess. 

I choose to be glad about it.  

 

It's like the song I made up for my kids when they are being miserable:
 

There are lots of reasons to be happy. 

There are lots of reasons to be sad. 

I'll see what I can do today, 

To choose to be glad.  

 

I think that's enough for now.  ; )  

(It's hard for me to believe I'm even pretending to smile virtually... but hey, pearls!)

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Waterfall

Sitting here this afternoon, I just had two funny thoughts.  

First off, this weekend, my whole thought is that I have to survive my in-laws being here.  

Well, now they all, in-laws, husband, and all my children, go off for a while this afternoon... 

So now I sit here in my solitude, and panic.  And I can't wait for them to get back.  

Isn't that silly?  

 

My other kinda funny thought, was that I wonder why certain symptoms I consider so much worse than others. 

For instance, I was sitting here just now, and I'm struggling with bad numbness in my hands and feet. 

Why do I consider that such a distressing symptom?  As if, oh, -this- symptom means that I am actually dying. 

All the others?  Oh, they just mean I am in withdrawal and recovering, but -this- one, oh, this one is serious.  

It means I can't move.  I've overdone it.  Oh, I've really done it this time.  Because now I have TINGLES!  

Seriously?  Why do I believe this?  It's. Just.  Tingling.   Why do I believe it to be so serious?  

I don't know.  

 

Like, when my chest hurts, okay, I understand why sometimes I'm tempted to think that it means there is

something wrong with my heart.  It's my chest after all.  And the left side too yet, of course.  

But why when my shoulders hurt, do I feel like this means that I am utterly exhausted?  

And why does tingling mean to me that I must be about to die?  Or something equally serious. 

Why are there some symptoms I can easily (haha... easily, okay, maybe not, but with less difficulty) dismiss, 

while other plague me as if they mean my doom?  

 

Another one would maybe be sweaty palms.  My palms have been sweating a lot the last day or two.  

Why do I let that bother me so much?  It's just a bit of sweat.  Really.  My mind makes such a big deal out of some things. 

Why?  

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Waterfall

Phew.  

Today's struggle.  

My daughter had a tooth abscess.

So we had to rush off to the dentist this morning. 

Had it drained, and the tooth (a baby tooth) had to be pulled. 

 

Well, I've spent most of the day worrying that my own symptoms could mean I have an abscess too... 

My throat hurts.  I have a lump in my throat.  I've had trouble with my teeth in the past. 

And well, everything on my head, face, neck, throat, and chest hurts right now.  

So it's hard not to think about it.  

If only the feeling would go away, then I'd stop thinking about it. 

But the feeling is NOT going away. 

For today, at least, even when I feel my most relaxed, when most of the symptoms lessen,

the one that stays most consistently today, is the feeling of a lump/tightness in my throat. 

Doesn't help that my jaw also hurts, mostly on one side, my face hurts, my teeth sometimes hurt.  

Even feels almost like I have earache in my one ear.  

My throat is also phlegmy.  

And my chest is tight, which always increases my anxiety. 

Add to it all that my hands and feet have been especially numb today. 

And my back and neck feel like they are killing me.  

 

Sigh.  

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Waterfall

Well. 

Survived the in-laws visit.

Now it's on to the rest of life. 

And moving.  : P

 

Funny how I feel relieved. 

And yet so discouraged. 

Will a day come where I don't feel sore? 

And anxious?  

 

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DaveB
18 minutes ago, Waterfall said:

Well. 

Survived the in-laws visit.

Now it's on to the rest of life. 

And moving.  : P

 

Funny how I feel relieved. 

And yet so discouraged. 

Will a day come where I don't feel sore? 

And anxious?  

 

 

Just came across your thread and wanted to offer you encouragement! I did the same thing as you, stupidly didn't refill my zoloft script in October 2016, felt totally fine til I crashed January 2017 and have been struggling ever since (doing things the wrong way, 6 week AD trials and such). What are you currently taking? I have looked over this site and people really do bounce back from this, it just takes an AWFUL amount of time and patience. We will get there, I am praying and rooting for you!

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Waterfall

Thanks, Dave.  

I was going to say you have no idea how encouraging it is to hear from other people. 

But based on what you said, I'm sure you know.  

Right now I'm down to 1/4 of a tablet of .25mg Clonazepam each morning and night.  

Not going to change it for a while.  

Even though I so badly want off.  

I've done enough stupid things.  : P

 

Yesterday I went to a clinic because my tongue was burning. 

After he told me it was basically nothing.

He went on to tell me that my anxiety is clearly genetic. 

And I should be on something like citalopram for life. 

That's just the facts lady. 

 

Thanks.  

So encouraging.  

I'm sure he meant the best. 

He just doesn't know what he's talking about.  

At least I hope that's true.  

 

Sometimes I worry about what my baseline is going to be after I recover some. 

I just talked with someone who's never been on anything, and she has struggles too. 

But I can't help thinking, struggle though it may be, I wish I could go back to before. 

Before I'd ever taken anything.  

Hard as it may have been, there's no comparison to the 'after'.  

 

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Rosetta

". . . there's no comparison to the 'after.'  So true.  Hold on, Waterfall.  You can survive this!

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Waterfall

Thanks Rosetta.

I finally went over to your thread too,

and I'm amazed by how encouraging you can be 

when you are still struggling yourself.  

DaveB too.

We're really all in this together.   ^_^

 

Yesterday afternoon the top of my head was tingling.

Yesterday and today my lips tingle on and off.

My nose feels weird inside.  Tingles sometimes too

I felt less sore and shaky today.  A little stronger.

But my chest felt tighter.  My heart pounding more.

I've been more anxious today.  Harder not to panic. 

On the other hand, I've been having cortisol spikes every

morning since March 16th, and I've been able to go back

to sleep again after some of them now, and I think maybe

this mornings wasn't quite as strong.  Hoping they get 

better and go completely away again soon.  

Had a really tough morning, had a hard time getting any food in.

But I've managed so far.  Still alive.  Not currently panicking.

Looking forward to brighter days.  

 

Hard to type with squirming kid on my lap.  :blink:  :D

 

Oh!  My insight this morning:

It's not helpful to go around telling myself "I am such a wreck today." or anything similar.

Much more helpful to tell myself "I can do this" or "I'll be okay" or something else instead.

 

Here's wishing us all strength and patience.  

 

Oops.  I wrote this... yesterday?  I think.  Maybe. 

But it seems that I thought I posted it, and actually didn't.  

So.  Now I'm posting it. 

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direstraits
1 hour ago, Waterfall said:

Oh!  My insight this morning:

It's not helpful to go around telling myself "I am such a wreck today." or anything similar.

Much more helpful to tell myself "I can do this" or "I'll be okay" or something else instead.

this is  so important,I think...so easy to dwell on the negative.

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Waterfall
3 hours ago, direstraits said:

this is  so important,I think...so easy to dwell on the negative.

Yes.  Important, doesn't mean easy to do.  

It's something we have to work at remembering to do.  

Someone pointed out to me recently that my self talk is so negative.  

So I've slowly been realizing just what this means. how pervasive it is in my life, and how important it is.

I'm going to keep working on it.  

I think it's something important we can all work on, to our benefit.

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Rosetta

Thank you so very much for your sweet note on my thread!  Hugs, Rosetta

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Waterfall
13 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Thank you so very much for your sweet note on my thread!  Hugs, Rosetta

 

You're welcome, Rosetta. 

I think I need to go reread my own post today. 

This day is the worst. 

Every time I think, no, THIS day, is the worst, I move on to find that, no, I can actually feel worse than I thought I could. 

Today I am so miserable. 

 

I feel like I've missed a few posts that I made in my head. 

My in-laws have come and gone, and it's been a rough month. 

I thought I was on my way up again, after a nasty wave.  

A very nasty wave. 

My period delayed itself by 10 days. 

Last time that happened was last September. 

 

Sunday, I came home from church feeling like I was going to throw up. 

Sat in my chair for a while and felt better. 

Monday was our final holiday for spring break. 

I don't even remember what I did all day. 

Tuesday I went for coffee in the morning, and felt absolutely awful. 

I was so shaky, and felt like I could barely see straight. 

Spent the afternoon packing, and could hardly believe I was still standing. 

Body went through a strong bout of panic that afternoon/evening.  

Between school pick-up and supper, I think it was. 

Wednesday, I sat around feeling lousy all morning, but packed all afternoon. 

And I actually thought I felt pretty good.  Much better than Tuesday. 

Well... today, I'm such a wreck.  

I am so shaky.  My chest hurts really bad.  Lower left side, bottom of rib cage. 

My hands are shaky.  My stomach muscles are shaky.  

I've already run to the bathroom (though how you can 'run' when you feel you can barely crawl, I don't know...)
And I still feel like my guts just aren't right.  Like I'm going to have to run again, but just not quite yet.  

I feel sick to my stomach.  

Burping, though actually less than I have for the past several days.  

Oh, the burping.  It's driving me nuts. 

I think I definitely have a cold on top of it all.  

I might think it was 'just' some more symptoms, but others in my family are also coughing and have runny noses. 

My nose is runny.  I'm congested.  Stuffed up.  Coughing.  

My throat and chest feel so tight today.  Not sure if it's the cold, or just more symptoms. 

And my tongue hurts again.  Started last night, between supper and bedtime.  

First felt like I'd eaten some glass, and little shards were stuck on my tongue. 

Now it just sort of burns/stings/aches.  

I had it once for a day or two when the in-laws came too.  

It went away again... only to return, it seems.  

Went to the clinic for it last time. Thought it might be yeast. Doc said it's 'geographic tongue'. 

Harmless... and annoying, apparently.  

Having a hard time keeping down the anxiety.  

Last night I fell asleep in my chair with a kiddo on my lap. 

Then I actually went to bed early, for me, anyway.  Before 10.  

But I lay in bed with my mind racing.  Couldn't fall asleep.  

As I finally started drifting off, I started thinking/dreaming terrifying things.  

Was rough. 

Finally fell asleep and woke up a few times during the night.  

Could barely drag my shaking butt out of bed this morning.  

Once I got the kids off to school, came home and forced some breakfast down. 

Then I lost it for a while. 

Ran to the bathroom. 

Shook.  Cried.  Shook and cried some more.  

Then I had a hard time sitting down again for a while. 

I was just too wired. Even though I could barely stand up straight. 

Now I'm in my chair.  Rocking.  

Having a hard time sitting still.  

And yet typing this post, my hands ache, and it feels exhausting.  

To top it all off, my one knee has been hurting really bad the last week or so as well. 

Sometimes when I go to stand, it almost won't straighten, or it won't straighten all the way.  

And it hurts.  

Blah.  

 

I feel like words don't do justice to how we feel.  

I'm so discouraged today. 

 

Trying valiantly to find a smile today. 

Waterfall

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