Waterfall: introduction

[Rabe]

Hi Waterfall,

I'm sorry you are struggling.  That darn Clonazepam with the dizziness and the chest discomfort...for me it is like an intense burning...I keep thinking it is my reflux but it started after my rapid taper in September and goes away after I take my Clonazepam dose usually so I feel it is related to it.  And the coldness...I'm sitting with a heating pad...dont know if that would help you?  

Thinking about you lots!!!!

[Rosetta]

Hugs, Waterfall.  I'm sorry this is so tough right now.  Epsom salt bath might help?

[Waterfall]

21 hours ago, Rabe said:

Hi Waterfall,

Thinking about you lots!!!!

 

Thank you, Rabe.  

I've appreciated your posts.  

Totally indentify with the yo-yo, and the symptoms you described!  

As well as the part about not being able to be there for loved ones in the way we used to, or that we wish to.  

That's one of the hardest parts of this whole mess.  

 

7 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Hugs, Waterfall.  I'm sorry this is so tough right now.  Epsom salt bath might help?

 

Thank you, Rosetta.  

Yes, this is one of the hardest patches I've ever been through.  

Maybe not -the- hardest, but pretty crazy awful.  

 

I had a really good sleep last night.  

Slept in my chair first, and then went to bed, 

but laid down for a total of almost 12 hours.  

Slept for about 10 1/2 hours of that.  

After not sleeping well at all for almost a week, that was amazing!

 

Woke up with only a mild cortisol spike. 

Could have made it worse, if I let my fear get going, but I tried to keep it reined in. 

Was really, really sore all over, but especially in my back, when I got up. 

 

Wasn't too dizzy this morning, just a little off balance. 

Until I took a nap after lunch.  When I woke up, I felt dizzy again. 

And I've been mildly dizzy ever since.  Never as bad as yesterday. 

But enough to bother me, and make walking around unpleasant. 

 

I came to post, because I was sitting here in my chair. 

And I suddenly just felt intensely panicky, out of the blue. 

Usually I can identify at least some kind of trigger. 

This time I couldn't identify a trigger at all.  

No clue. 

 

It was really upsetting.  

But thankfully I toughed it out, and it seems to have improved again.  

 

I'm still struggling with the chest pain.  

It used to (quite some time ago) be just a dull pain on the lower left side of my rib cage. 

Now it's a sharper pain.  And it can travel around a little bit, almost always on my lower left there.  

Sometimes it moves up nearer my heart.  Very rarely it will switch sides for a short while.  

If it gets really bad, I don't even know if it helps much or not, but I'll sit up straighter, 

and hold my hand over the lower part of my ribs, in an effort to help reduce the pain.  

It may help, or it may just be because that's what I did when I was pregnant with my first 

child and he used to kick there.  

I also sometimes get a pain or burning down my chest bone, but that's a different feeling. 

 

I'm also struggling with a lot of weakness, shakiness, tension, and some headache. 

New is some cramping, the significant dizzyness, and an increase in stomach upset.  

 

Have had some vision and hearing disturbances, including a few short episodes of tinnitus.  

Struggling with anxiety.  Lack of interest in even the activities that I normally use to distract. 

 

Such a big change from even a couple days ago,

when I was feeling some positive emotions. 

I was feeling excited about moving.  

Now I'm wondering if I'll even be able to do anything useful this week.  😪

 

Been trying to drink more water (my Mom thought I was dehydrated yesterday) 

          - side note, my Mom also took my blood sugar, which was 5.5, which I understand to be normal

Forcing myself to eat, even though I don't feel like it. 

And trying to get a lot of rest.  

Plus just trying to stay as calm as I can during the tension and the waves of panic and dizzyness.  ☹️

 

Here's hoping I can get a lot of rest again tonight, 

and that I'll feel better again tomorrow.  

Actually kinda hoping this wave is a response to a virus or something. 

Wouldn't that be nice... 

 

Whoo... all that drinking means I have to go to the bathroom again.  😜

(Hopefully I can walk there without getting too dizzy this time!)

[Rabe]

HOPING YOU WILL SLEEP WELL TONIGHT AND THAT TOMORROW WILL BE SOME BETTER!!!!!!!! TAKE CARE!!!

[Waterfall]

Sigh. 

Yesterday (or sometime recently, I'm not sure I remember exactly when) 

I went to the Benzo-Buddies site to have a look. 

I felt I was finally ready to read the supposed 'stages' of withdrawal, 

that I thought I would find there.  I'd been to scared to look before. 

Because I was afraid of what scary symptoms I would find there.  

Well.  I didn't learn much.  

The stages mostly consist of noticing your symptoms improving.  

Well, right now, they aren't.  

 

Second, I found their list of possible symptoms.  

There's most common.  Less Common.  And least common.  

Well.  I mostly have, or have had almost every single symptom on that list. 

And it even says in the intro to that, 'you are unlikely to experience more than a few of these'. 

Oh great.  

Am I -that- case?  

 

Oh, and I looked at it the other day, 

and when I went back to find it, I accidentally clicked on the wrong link. 

Well.  

I ended up on a page that blared with the message:
If you come off of benzos wrong it's going to kill you!!!

And if you don't watch out it's going to be fatal!!

Oh.  Thanks.  I needed to hear that too.  

 

So I went looked, absentmindedly for a doctor in the area who knows about PAWS.  

Didn't expect to find anything, but I was hoping.  

Well.  I found one.  Not nearby enough to help. 

But he wrote an article about a support group he's started for people coming off benzos. 

It meets once a month, and so on and so forth. 

And he himself had a horrific experience coming off of benzos.  

Of course, not everyone does, he said.  

His own mother sailed through the same withdrawal journey with barely a ripple in her life. 

He on the other hand went into a detox program, and went on hormones, etc, etc. 

And credits so and so and such and such with saving his life.  

 

I don't have these supports.  I can't go into a detox program even if there was one!

I have a family that depends on me.  

My husband can't drive, so I'm the one who has to get the kids to school every day. 

I have to get us out to the store for groceries.  

I have to drive if any of us are to get anywhere.  

 

Well.  Today. 

I'm only mildly dizzy.  

But all my muscles are shaking today.  And tense.  

My finger tips all hurt.  

My chest still hurts, though so far not as sharp as yesterday. 

But my heart is pounding again today.  Sometimes it seems a little off rhythm. 

I'm crampy.  And my stomach is off.  

Not quite nauseated.  But having a hard time getting breakfast down all the same. 

Jittery enough that I had a hard time sitting down to eat it in the first place. 

And I'm not sitting at the table, I'm in my chair, because that's easier for me.  

My chair.  My lovely rocking chair/recliner.  

 

Where I'm typing here, because I'm scared.  

And discouraged.  

No one around me understands.  

And I don't know if I can make it through this.  

And I'm typing.  

Even though my fingers hurt, and typing is uncomfortable. 

I won't go so far as to say I almost can't type yet.  

Yet. 

Who knows?  

Tomorrow could be worse. 

Or it could be better. 

Oh, I hope it's better. 

 

And I'm supposed to move this week. 

And the week after?  

Oh, I'm supposed to do without my husband for the week. 

Because he's going to stay here and paint the house.  

Normally he does all the cooking. 

Because cooking is his hobby.  

How do I survive this?  

 

Rock, rock, rock (clunk, clunk, cluck.. I never said my chair was in good shape).

Choke down a bite.  

Rock, rock, rock... 

[Waterfall]

11 hours ago, Rabe said:

HOPING YOU WILL SLEEP WELL TONIGHT AND THAT TOMORROW WILL BE SOME BETTER!!!!!!!! TAKE CARE!!!

 

Oh Rabe.  Please don't yell.  That hurts my head.  

But thank you.  I didn't sleep especially well, but it was alright.  

I suppose I should be grateful.  Others have dealt with much worse. 

I still got 6 hours of sleep.  Not much of it was deep sleep though. 

Still not sure why I'm having so much trouble getting any deep sleep. 

Not sure if it's a cause for how I'm feeling. 

Or if it's a symptom of what's currently going on. 

Had a strange cortisol spike between 4 and 5. 

My hands were burning so bad.  But not too much else. 

I was proud of myself for staying pretty calm.  

And I actually managed to go back to sleep fairly well.  

Whoops.  I meant for this to be a quick message, but it's growing!

Today is not better so far, but who knows, maybe it will improve.  

I can always hope!  

Thank you for your encouragement, Rabe.  

It's the little things that keep us going sometimes.  

[Rosetta]

You will make it through.  Feed your kids things that you don't have to cook.  Sandwiches, carrots, fruit, crackers and cheese, nuts.  It's just a week.  They might even think it's fun.  Can your husband make some frozen casseroles for you to take to the new house?

 

I understsnd that you are scared.  Remember - baby steps.  You don't need to solve the whole puzzle.  Just get through the next step.

 

Good for you eating even if you feel you can't.   It's important.  

 

You, specifically you, won't die from benzo WD.  The people who die didn't know that could happen.  The heart is affected by the WD, and it stops beating after cold turkey.  It's not going to happen to you because you know to take your pills.  When that happens to others the patient doesn't know what's causing the problem or the doctor doesn't know about the risk.  That can't happen to you.  You will not quit cold turkey because you know better.  You are on such a tiny dose that I don't think it would affect your heart anyway, but I'm not sure.  Just keep your prescription filled, and you will be fine.

 

The last thing you need is a detox program.  They are too fast for benzo WD.  If that doctor went to one that was not too fast it is very, very unusual.  I think those programs are dangerous for benzo and AD WD rather than helpful.  You have all you need right here on SA.  

 

I'm sorry you feel so bad today.  Just focus on getting through today or the next couple of hours.  Don't catastrophize.  Don't think about the future until you get a break from anxiety.  Morning anxiety is worse for me so I try to "postpone" my worrying about planning ahead until afternoon.  Try that.

 

All my best, Rosetta

[Waterfall]

19 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

 

All my best, Rosetta

 

Thanks, Rosetta.  

That post was just what I needed.  

I almost cried.  

Thank you. 

 

I'm off to see what I can do.  

If not.  I'll try to relax for a bit.  

Right now.  My son needs a diaper change. 

I already got him to bring me all the things I need. 

Except the diaper.  He can't find one.  😜

[Waterfall]

Well.  Changed son.

Put him in bath.

Collected some laundry,

and started the washer.

Loaded and ran the dishwasher.

Played with son in the bath, and took him out.

 

Then felt too weak to stand anymore.

And sat in my chair with my eyes closed for quite a while.

Felt really, really awful.

So tense, and weak, and heavy, I felt I couldn't move.

Slowly relaxed.

Slowly began to listen to my son's show.

And finally to open my eyes again.

Was in my chair for about two hours.

 

Got up to have lunch, change loads, and empty dishwasher. 

Sat back down in my chair without actually making lunch because I felt too rough. 

Husband brought me lunch and made something for my son too.  

Thought I was feeling a bit better, so when I picked up kids from bus, I drove husband to store. 

He wanted me to come in with him, but I said I wasn't up to it. 

Sat in the van feeling like either I was going to die, or perhaps that I wanted to. 

Wasn't sure if I'd be able to drive home, I felt so awful.  

Had trouble focusing my eyes.  My chest has been hurting so bad.  

But somehow, when he came out, he actually startled me. 

And I was feeling well enough to drive home. 

Dozed in my chair again when we got home. 

Feeling a bit better.  

So confused by all this.  

And discouraged. 

But trying to be hopeful.  

 

[Rabe]

Oh Waterfall....have so been thinking of you!  You have such strength!  You did so much in spite of all you felt and thought.

I hope your evening brings some peace and rest.

 

 

[Rabe]

Hi Waterfall...dont know if it helps but as I said I am dealing with the Cloazepam as well and one of the things that I have really been battling is this 

horrible burning pain in my chest/heart space.  It started in hospital after rapid taper and seems to really get bad the further away I get from doses.

Don't know if this offers any reassurance...hope so.  Take care!!

[Waterfall]

Feeling so rough today.

Been awake since 5.

My chest hurts so bad.

When will this improve?  

Will it improve?

 

Thank you for your input Rabe.

Knowing what you said has helped me endure.

 

Planning to see if I can see my doctor today. 

Just to make sure nothing else is wrong.

We'll see if I can even make it there.

[Waterfall]

I just wish I knew why this wave is so deep.  

And why it's here at all.  

I always feel like I've done something wrong when I have a wave. 

And a wave this bad feels like I really must have messed something up. 

 

I've learned better... I think.  

Waves don't necessarily have to have a reason.  

Right?  

 

And that means I also don't have to do something specific, before I can expect to feel better. 

It's not like I'm missing some perfect action, that would magically make this wave go away. 

 

I just have to endure.  

And when I have endured long enough, things will look up. 

 

They've just never felt this low.  

It's hard to take this.  

[direstraits]

sorry you're suffering like this,hope you get a break soon.

take care,ds

xx

[Waterfall]

6 minutes ago, direstraits said:

sorry you're suffering like this,hope you get a break soon.

take care,ds

xx

 

Thanks, direstraits.  

Trying to hold on through the worst and hope it gets better.  

[Waterfall]

In other news: My scale arrived yesterday! 😄 

We measured my pill (that contains 0.25 mg of Clonazepam.)

It weights around 0.80 mg

So, a quarter of a pill is 0.20 mg.  

Since I've been fluctuating with slightly bigger and smaller pieces, 

my husband and I decided to hold at 0.25mg of a pill for now. 

I figured, roughly, that it means a dose for me, currently contains 0.078125 mg Clonazepam. 

And I take that twice a day.  Once in the morning, once at night.  

 

I've been holding at a dose roughly close to that, since January.  

Why am I feeling so horrible right now?  

I really hope I see some improvement soon.  

If nothing improves, I'm afraid I'll do something stupid, 

in an effort to relieve the misery.  ☹️

[Rosetta]

Hugs, Waterfall.  You won't do anything stupid.  Don't worry about that.  You are going to keep going just like I have, and you will feel better.  I think having that scale is important.  It's very hard to get consistent doses of broken pills.  What a tiny amount.  What do the mods on the benzo forum think?  Should you crush them to get a more uniform dose or is it ok to do what you are doing?

[SkyBlue]

36 minutes ago, Waterfall said:

In other news: My scale arrived yesterday! 😄 

 

I've been holding at a dose roughly close to that, since January.  

Why am I feeling so horrible right now?  

I really hope I see some improvement soon.  

If nothing improves, I'm afraid I'll do something stupid, 

in an effort to relieve the misery.  ☹️

 

Hi Waterfall, I'm glad you got your new scale. That's great!

 

Holding is always a good idea. It's rough that you haven't seen improvements. It's very possible that your body and brain are working "behind the scenes," fixing things that aren't immediately apparent (even though we want them to be).

I really hope you see improvement soon, too. Do you have coping strategies that help you, or at least a safety plan if need be? 

A crisis number to keep on hand, or friends/family to talk to? 

 

Please keep us posted. We're here for you.

[Rabe]

Hi Waterfall,

I think its normal, least I hope so, for out minds to search for an answer, a reason, a why as to what is going on...do you think?  I'm always trying to connect things to meds or foods or water or walks or whatever.  SO I try to keep everything...food, exercise, etc pretty much the same and then it takes a lots of letters out of the equation.

Hope this turns around for you soon.  Yeah for your scale!!!!!  Did you ever think you'd be so excited about that??  

 

[Rabe]

Waterfall, how is your chest doing today?? How you feeling?  Did you see the dr?

[Waterfall]

Quick!  

I want to document a day that went, well... reasonably well.  

I was feeling rough this morning.  

Woke up at 5:00 with a cortisol spike. 

My chest hurt so bad that I couldn't lay any which way without it bothering me.  

 

And then my Mom said she was coming over to pack.  

Aaah!!!

I wanted her help... 

But I was afraid I would have a meltdown.  Or just plain be useless.  

Well.  She came.  

And I cried a bit.  

 

And we got to work. 

And I actually did pretty good.  

We got a lot done today.  

I had a few rough moments.  

Like when I had to sit down for lunch. 

And I was so jittery I almost couldn't stay on my chair. 

And after we stopped at the end, and my arms were trembling.  

And I was scared.  

 

But I even sat a supper tonight without much trouble. 

Sitting for supper with my family is often hard for me. 

 

I was amazed how good and calm I was feeling. 

All the while a little worried that I was going to crash later. 

 

Well.  My chair just broke.  

My beloved chair.  

And I can't sit in it without fear that I will fall over backwards.  

Now my husband has it upside-down and it working on it.  

So I can't sit in it at all!

When it's late in the day and I'd like to be relaxing in it.  

 

Well.  When I had to stand up, I was feeling rough. 

I became a little worried again. 

So I decided to make sure I shared my positive feelings before they vanish again!

 

I was surprised that I felt as good as I did today.  

My Mom thinks it's because I just pushed through it... 

I half wonder if it's because I did a slight updose of my clonazepam.  

It wasn't meant to be a real updose, just a step to stabilization.  

I hope.  

It's hard not to worry about tomorrow.  : P  

 

[Rabe]

Happy for you for a good day!!!!!  Woohoo!!!!

[Rabe]

But sorry about your chair!

[Waterfall]

1 minute ago, Rabe said:

Waterfall, how is your chest doing today?? How you feeling?  Did you see the dr?

 

Actually, much of the day I didn't notice.  

Not sure if that's because I was too busy... 

Or what.  

But while it does still hurt a lot, 

at the very least I'm not as anxious about it as I was.  

 

I did phone my doctor's office today, 

but the earliest appointment I could get, 

was for May 28th.  : P  

And I was feeling well enough, that I no longer felt the need as urgently.  

 

So.  Here's hoping tomorrow goes as well!

Tomorrow my Mom -and- my sister-in-law are coming to help pack again. 

Two busy days in a row!

As long as I don't feel as bad as I did on Saturday-Monday.  

 

[Waterfall]

4 minutes ago, Rabe said:

Happy for you for a good day!!!!!  Woohoo!!!!

 

Yes, hooray!

I just hope I can stay in this window a while... 

The pain and fear, they try to claim me!

I don't want to sink into that hole. 

Of tension, and aches... 

 

Trying to stay cheerful!

And allow myself some rest before tomorrow. 

I hope I have a decent sleep tonight. 

 

5 minutes ago, Rabe said:

But sorry about your chair!

 

My husband fixed it!

At least, well enough for me to use it again!

So now I'm rocking happily again.  😄

I sure am fond of my chair... 

[Rabe]

Wow!!!  That was quick...could he patch us up that quickly?????

 

[Rabe]

Great!!  Glad is better!

[Waterfall]

10 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 You are going to keep going just like I have, and you will feel better.

 

Thank you, Rosetta.  You're encouragement has meant a lot to me.  

It helps me keep going when the going is tough.  

 

24 minutes ago, Rabe said:

I'm always trying to connect things to meds or foods or water or walks or whatever.  SO I try to keep everything...food, exercise, etc pretty much the same and then it takes a lots of letters out of the equation.

 

Oh, I'm always trying to connect things too. I'm trying to work on keeping things more consistent, like you, because I think that's so smart.  I'm just really lousy at consistent... 

Today I was absolutely flummoxed that I felt as good as I did!  I thought, maybe I can push myself, and still feel good!  But now I'm wondering if it's just because of the tiny updose I made in the last two doses, as I try to stabilize things.  I really hope that doesn't mean I'm going to crash again soon!

 

29 minutes ago, Rabe said:

Hope this turns around for you soon.

 

Well, amazingly, it did!  I just hope it doesn't turn right back again... 

Those were some rough days!

 

30 minutes ago, Rabe said:

Yeah for your scale!!!!!  Did you ever think you'd be so excited about that??

 

Nope.  Had no idea I could be so excited about a scale!  Woohoo for scales!

[Waterfall]

6 minutes ago, Rabe said:

Wow!!!  That was quick...could he patch us up that quickly?????

 

 

Hahahaha!!  Oh, don't we all wish!!!  

If even just some of my worst episodes would pass that quickly!  😋

[Waterfall]

I was sitting here thinking... 

Hmm, there was a positive thought I was thinking, 

and it was one that I was going to share with Rosetta, 

and now I can't remember what it was.  

 

I was in the middle of one of those last posts, 

and I knew I meant to add this thought.

But try as I might, I could not remember what it was. 

The thought was just... gone!

 

And so I thought, shucks.. 

well, maybe the thought will come back if I stop thinking about it. 

And I went off to check email.  

And I spent a few minutes on FB... 

 

And I suddenly remembered!

At least.. I think I did.  

Whatever the case, I remembered something I did intend to share. 

Remember Rosetta?  

Voyager.  

My husband and I started watching Voyager.  

Hmm... now I'm wondering if I already told you that. 

Anyway, it's your fault.  

And we've been enjoying it.  

 

Well.  Mostly.  

Last night's episode had a medical twist. 

And I've been thinking about it somewhat obsessively. 

Since it had to do with the chest. 

And a lot of my recent discomfort is in my chest. 

 

But on the whole, it's been something to relax to in the evening. 

Since my husband and I finished our latest show that we watched together. 

I thought knowing that, might make you smile.  

We shouldn't run out of episodes any time soon!

 

[Waterfall]

I need to figure out how to tag someone, like Rosetta does, without necessarily quoting them directly... 

 

Which reminds me of something else!  I don't know what the connection is, at all, but hey, whatever!

I'm excited because I noticed recently that most of the people I know here, excepting a few moderators and such, 

were all listed as 'silver star' where I was still -just- a 'member'.  

 

I figured that if I reached a hundred posts (which I was not -activitely- trying to reach, just noticing), 

that I would probably become a silver star too!

 

Well, maybe it's a silly thing to be excited over... I don't know. 

But here it is, all the same.  I'm excited that I'm a silver star now too!

 

[Waterfall]

Well.  That was an awful night. 

Didn't fall asleep until almost midnight.

While that isn't that uncommon, 

it was followed by a bad cortisol spike at 3 o'clock. 

Never did get back to sleep.  

Felt super hungry, so I finally ate around 4:30. 

Spent the rest of the night trying not to throw up. 

Spent some time shaking. 

And crying.  And crying. 

Spots are still on my glasses from my tears. 

I don't know how to keep going. 

But I'm still here. 

It's been one more day.  

 

I don't understand why, compared to so many others, 

I was on these meds such a short time, 

why is it my lot to feel so awful?  

Why did I cold turkey in the first place? 

 

I still remember when I first found this site.  

And it was like, 'Whatever you do, don't cold turkey.'

And like, "Don't taper if you have health anxiety.'

Well.  I have health anxiety. 

And I cold turkeyed.  

More than once.  

 

It mentions seeking face to face support for crisis intervention.  

I just wish I knew where to turn for that kind of support. 

I don't know anyone else who understands.  

Not my family.  Not my doctor.  

Not the system.  

Where do I turn?  

 

I'm really sorry if I'm causing anyone else stress.  

 

[Rosetta]

Hey, I wish I could be there in person for you.  It's ok to cry.  Do you feel better for a while after you cry?

[Rabe]

Do you find mornings to be more challenging Waterfall?   Hi Rosetta.  I find crying can be a release Waterfall especially at night when can feel more alone and fearful.  Seems to wash some things out.  We are there for you!!!

 

 

 

 

 

[Waterfall]

6 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Hey, I wish I could be there in person for you.  It's ok to cry.  Do you feel better for a while after you cry?

 

Thank you both, again, Rosetta and Rabe.  

You're right, I do feel better after I cry.

Pretty much every time.

 

And I'm really surprised.

After how sick I felt this morning...

I did manage to get going.

And I did survive today.

 

If I think of all that I accomplished today,

I'm actually surprised I haven't crashed.

And yet, somehow, I haven't.

 

I'm sore, but not as sore as I'd expect.

Not as tired as you'd think I'd be,

considering how poorly I've slept lately.

 

I just totally don't get why I feel as well as I do.

Not great... But surprisingly managable.

 

I'm just scared right now,

about what will happen tonight!

 

[Rabe]

Hi Waterfall,

SOOOOOO happy to hear your day went up hill!!!  Yay!!!!

You know, Shep told me something about 'Teacher Symptoms":

"You may want to direct your non-drug coping skills toward dealing with the fear of difficult or unknown situations. Teacher Symptoms are important because they help us find the right non-drug coping skills early on in the taper journey. If you learn from them, your journey will be easier."

Wanted to share because I could have written your post Waterfall...we think alike!   When I am not doing well I am thinking about every possible reason why I am not doing well...when I am doing better I am thinking about every possible reason as to why THAT odd thing is happening....and then I think about what tomorrow or a week from now will be like because what if Im not doing well and can't get there or what if I can get there but then don't do well!  Ive been trying to catch myself....works sometimes...dont know if helps but wanted to share cause helped me.  Gosh I'm glad you had a better day!!!!!