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Waterfall

My family thinks feeling sick and

overwhelmed and in tears means I need

antidepressants.

More antidepressants.

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Waterfall

Why does feeling sick and crying

equal antidepressants?

There has to be another way through this.

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Rosetta

Sigh . . . do you think there is any truth to the idea that when we feel very bad a lot of healing is going on in the brain?  It's possible.  Something changed recently and threw off the whole function of the brain and/or CNS.  That could be why we feel so bad in a wave.  The fact that anti-depressant reinstatement helps some people could simply mean that the brain needs the drug due to dependence, but not that the drugs "work."  By your family who do you mean?

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Rosetta

By the way, you just moved!! It is going to take a while for you to adjust.  Do not forget that doing that would send any of us into a wave.  In your signature it says to react badly to anything except the benzo.  It's an awful feeling to feel stuck with no options but to push through.  Remember to have an Epsom salts bath, sit in the sun, and go for a walk!!

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Rabe

Did you look on the Mad in America list WF?

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Waterfall

@Rosetta @Rabe

Thanks as always, guys 

Rotten day.

Was my son's birthday too.  😥

No party for him yet.

Hopefully I'll feel well enough to give him one soon.

Here's hoping for a brighter tomorrow!

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Rosetta

Hugs, WF.  Trying to get through a rough day here, too.  Yes, tomorrow will be better!

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Rabe

How are you doing waterfall?  Thinking about you !

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Waterfall

Thanks for checking in on me again.  

Today had it's ups and downs.  

 

First thing this morning, I was surprised how good I felt. 

Woke up at 5:30, but only a mild cortisol spike. 

And I went back to sleep. 

Managed the bus drop off okay.  

 

Felt a little shaky at one point, but I weathered it fine. 

Until around 10:30, I suddenly felt awful. 

Could barely hold my spoon and get down some applesauce for snack. 

Sat there, scared by the experience.  

 

I'd made an appointment for 11:10.

The chest pain has been really getting to me. 

I wanted to go see my own doctor, but I can't until the 28th.  

So, since I'm also running out of my Clonazepam, 

I went to see another doctor from the same clinic.  

 

Well, I missed my pill this morning.  Dumb.  

And I realized it on the way to the doctor. 

Was totally panicking in the waiting room. 

Burst into tears for the doctor.  

Told her about my pain, my dizziness, my nausea.  

 

What does she conclude!?  

You need more drugs.  

You clearly deal with anxiety. 

And you need more drugs.  

 

Seriously!?!??  

Why is that the answer to everything!?

 

I just want some reassurance that I'm not dying.  

Well, she briefly felt my abdomen.  

Nothing hard, she said. 

So I'm fine.  

 

Thanks.  

 

I cried at the office. 

I drove to 'the old house' where my husband was working. 

And bawled.  And bawled.  

Then I drove to the new house, where I've been unpacking with my Mom. 

And I bawled.  

And bawled.  

 

Then I felt better for a while.  

 

Then I felt really awful again.  

Weak.  Unsteady.  Chest pain flared up.  

Woozy.  Nauseated.  Having a hard time thinking.  

Aaaand it's time to go pick up the kids!

Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!

 

But I managed.  Somehow.  

Went to pick up my husband as well.  

He wasn't ready to leave.  

I actually managed to help it out for a bit too.  

 

And then we stopped by the store. 

And waiting for him wasn't even that hard. 

Sometimes I feel so anxious having to wait. 

I did okay. 

 

Actually, for a bit there, I felt almost normal!

Even... *gasp*... cheerful!

 

And then I moved. 

And stood still. 

And did a few things.  

And though, man, I feel awful.  

 

Still weak and unsteady.  

Sometimes I feels like I'm moving, 

when I'm standing still. 

My muscles like doing these little firework things.  

So many weird sensations.  

Tingling in my fingers, my scalp.  

Muscle spasms.  

Sooo sore all over. 

Anything that touches me, hurts.  

Chest/lower left rib pain is the worst.  

Tends to flare and abate again. 

When it flares, I feel so awful I can barely move or think.  

 

So.  Now I have to survive supper, putting the kids to bed, 

and getting myself to bed, and asleep.  

Last night in bed, it felt like... something weird.  

I don't even know how to describe it. 

It feels a bit like my legs had constant ripples in them, like in water. 

Only, this time my... er... bum was involved too.  

Felt very strange.  

Like I was moving, but not.  

 

Anyway, my husband is telling me I must come for supper.  

Hope you all found a smile today.  

Parts of today were absolutely horrible, but I found a smile or two today too.  

 

@Rosetta if you follow my thread I won't tag you in every post.  

I know Rabe already follows it.  😋

So I don't worry about her missing my replies.  

 

I feel bad now, because I'm not following either of your threads at the moment.  

I'm just not sure I can handle it right now.  😪

I'll come by and look soon... 

 

As soon as I feel like I'll make it again.  

Sometimes right now, I fantasize about being in a psych ward or something... 

Just to not have to keep trying so hard.  

Is there a limit?  This... program?  Is suddenly acting weird.  Won't let me put in any more lines.  Or go up and down. Time to go... 

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Waterfall

I always feel like I forget something... 

Especially when it comes to listing symptoms, 

I'm like, but that one too, how could I forget that!

 

In this case, it's the pain in my back. 

Between my shoulder blades. 

At the tip of my left shoulder blade. 

And where I feel like my kidneys are.  

 

Sigh.  

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Rabe

Hi Waterfall.

Struggling today as well, but managed to get out.  I too have that horrible chest pain, into the back too, that gets so bad at times Id like to cut it out, literally!!!  And my bladder burns and my legs burn and my headaches and on and on.  But grateful to have gotten out cause so depressed and anxious.  Also managed to eat so that it good too.  Concerned wil not get to my granddaughters birthday tomorrow at my daughters...had lovely days there last weekend and this week and then things turned yesterday.  It is an ongoing challenge.  But today was my kidney medicine day which seems to make a difference, but did message both doctors hoping to get some help with that. 

 

Do you think it is the Clonazepam causing the burning etc?  I do....

Take care!!!  Glad you found some sunshiny moments today!!

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Waterfall
On 5/10/2018 at 7:32 PM, Rosetta said:

Sigh . . . do you think there is any truth to the idea that when we feel very bad a lot of healing is going on in the brain?

 

Oh, that would be a nice though.

My brain is hard at work right now!  

Oh, I can only hope such a thing is true!

 

On 5/10/2018 at 7:38 PM, Rosetta said:

By the way, you just moved!! It is going to take a while for you to adjust.

 

Good point.  

I should be a little kinder to myself.

It's still hard to feel so awful.

And there is still so much to be done.  

I want to contribute more.  😕

 

On 5/10/2018 at 7:32 PM, Rosetta said:

By your family who do you mean?

 

By my Mom, my brother (who also struggles with anxiety), my sister-in-law, my doctor, 

and every doctor that I've seen, including the naturopath who put me on St. John's Wort,

which is basically just a 'natural' way to mess with your brain.  

The only exceptions, were two naturopaths, one who didn't listen to me at all, and 

declared to -me- what my issues were, and that the solution was thyroid meds!  

Which is what he apparently wants to tell everyone.  

The other one, was an exceptional doctor, who I left behind in another province when I 

moved a few years ago, who actually believed that withdrawal as we know it, exists.  

But he's crazy expensive.  

 

Woah.  I just experienced something weird with my ears.  

Hopefully it doesn't keep doing that... 

 

On 5/10/2018 at 8:00 PM, Rabe said:

Did you look on the Mad in America list WF?

 

Well, now isn't that an interesting website.  

Found some interesting articles that affirm my choices against antidepressants, for once.  

Not sure which list specifically that you are referring to.  

 

13 hours ago, Rabe said:

 I too have that horrible chest pain, into the back too, that gets so bad at times Id like to cut it out, literally!!!

 

It's always comforting to me, to know I'm not the only one experiencing these symptoms.  

Sometimes it just so tiring enduring these things.  

It's comforting to know others are surviving it, though. 

I can endure so much more, if I know it won't kill me, then when I'm worrying about it all the time.  

 

13 hours ago, Rabe said:

Concerned wil not get to my granddaughters birthday tomorrow at my daughters...

 

I know the feeling.  

Tomorrow our extended family (in this case my parents and my two brothers and their families)

are going to have a Mother's Day picnic in the park, 

and I'm dreading it.  

Last Sunday I had a really bad episode at the park.  

Like, one of the worst ever.  

And I'm afraid this will happen again tomorrow.  

But I really don't want to miss out on this event with everyone.  

I could cry tears of fear and frustration and longing and... all sorts of emotions all mixed up! 😪

 

I'm just supposed to drop my son at his friends house right now.  

And I'm afraid of doing that.  

Everything is so hard right now.  

I've even had my husband do all the grocery shopping right now. 

Haven't been in a store in weeks.  

 

14 hours ago, Rabe said:

 It is an ongoing challenge.

 

Yes.  Yes it is.  I still admire how, even when you guys are both struggling so much too, 

that you take the time to come here and encourage me too.  

It means so much to me.  

Thank you.  

Thank you. 

And thank you again.  

 

Time to go make that drive.... 

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Waterfall

Last night, bedtime, shivering.  

5:30 this morning, bad cortisol spike. 

Laid in bed thinking very dark thoughts.  

Went back to sleep. 

Fitbit says I got almost no deep sleep last night. 

 

Today is the most frustrating yet. 

I've stayed mostly calm, 

but my vision is weird. 

My head feels weird. 

My heart pounds if I do -anything-.  

And my knees shake and nearly buckle if I try to go anywhere. 

My chest pain is a bit better than usual. 

But my back between my shoulder blades hurts a lot.  

My skin on my arms, at least, right now, is all mottled. 

And despite the warm weather, I feel like I'm freezing.  

 

Good news, my nausea is a bit better. 

I wonder if it was related to my husband adding magnesium to my pill dose. 

After several days of bad nausea, I asked him to give me pills without magnesium in it. 

Even though the dose was only 1/18 to 1/9 of a regular dose of 1-3 pills.  

My stomach is still unhappy, but I don't feel like throwing up all day.  

Oh, and I seem to be newly constipated.  That's not so fun.  

 

Of course, the things bothering me the most right now, 

are my vision, 

my knees!  

And the fact that my heart is pounding so much.

Oh, to feel better.  

It's hard to wait. 

With so much work to do. 

 

Today I feel worse than ever, 

but it's an easier day, 

because the pressure is less, 

and I've mostly sat around in my chair. 

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Rosetta

Hugs, Waterfall.  I'm so sorry. - Rosetta

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Waterfall
5 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Hugs, Waterfall.  I'm so sorry. - Rosetta

 

Do you know if there is anything I can do to stop trembling so much? 

I would nap, since sleep seems to be one of the only things that ever helps me feel better, 

but I just can't seem to relax enough during the day for this last week.  

I haven't been able to lay down in bed during the day since last September. 

But I've been able to doze off in my chair on many occasions.  

Just not right now, it seems.  

How else does one feel better?  

 

Or do I just have to give up on getting anything done today?  

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Rabe

Hi Waterfall..SO glad your chair has brought you some rest and sleep.  I think listen to your body...rest...tomorrow things needing to be done will still be there for you...but need to put something in your bank so you have the energy to do them.  Take care!!

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Rabe

I was so anxious today and terrible headache...like one in December when tapering the Viibryd...so maybe this is WD Viibryd.  Thought would hit earlier but been about two weeks.  

Inspite of it I pushed and went to my daughters and celebrated Evie's first birthday with a house full of people.  But I played pool and chatted with everyone, had a shift re my ex husband and his wife...a forgiveness of them that I never expected.  Just a shift in general that feels good for now.  Hoping I can hang on to it.  Grateful for today!!

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Waterfall
49 minutes ago, Rabe said:

Grateful for today!!

 

Oh, Rabe, that is wonderful!

I am so glad to hear this!  

The fact that you made it to the party, 

that you were able to play, and chat, 

and especially to feel that shift to forgiveness, 

and all on a day when you were anxious and had a headache. 

Rabe, that's amazing!  

 

Tomorrow may be rough again, 

but no one can take away what you experienced today!  

Hooray for good experiences!  

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Carmie

Hi waterfall, 

 

I’ve just been reading some of your thread and I’m so sorry you have so many symptoms.

 

When you were speaking about sitting in your chair the thing that popped into my mind was how comforting a rocking chair would be when we’re in the middle of severe restless feelings. I don’t know anyone who owns one but wouldn’t it be great to have one?

 

I’m glad your nausea is better. 

 

On bad bad days it’s best not to push yourself to get things done. Just do what you can, tomorrow is always another day. I know it’s frustrating but pushing yourself might just make you feel worse. I keep reading about people that do too much and make their withdrawals worse. 

 

Sending you big hugs🤗🤗🤗

 

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Waterfall
9 hours ago, Carmie said:

I don’t know anyone who owns one but wouldn’t it be great to have one?

 

Yes, yes it would be.

I've never described my chair, 

but it's a rocking, swiveling recliner.  

A cushy one with big arm rests.  

 

My parents bought it for me last time I crashed. 

Sometimes I don't know how I would survive without it.  

I'm pretty sure that I would... but boy do I love my chair. 

It's where I always go when I'm struggling.  

I sit in it for hours, and rock, and rock, and rock, and rock... 

I've been a 'rocker' since I was young.  

It's always been what I do when I'm not doing well. 

Whether I'm sad, or sick, or scared, I rock.  

Back and forth, and back, and forth, and back, and forth... 

 

Now, last time I crashed, they put me on drugs, 

and I slowly improved.  

I keep worrying that really, I -do- need the drugs, 

and that I won't start to recover without them.  

 

On the other hand, the fact that we used drugs to get through last time, 

may be the very reason that I'm doing so badly now.  

How is one to know for sure?  

 

Yesterday evening I cried. 

I could barely walk around, I was feeling so weak and shaky.  

Especially my knees.  

When I drove my husband to the store, 

my leg almost shook too much to press the brake pedal.  

 

I slept reasonably well, though!

My fitbit even says I got a decent block of deep sleep last night!

Amazingly, I even woke up feeling pretty calm.

Although I was aware shortly after waking up, 

that if I didn't work at it, my anxiety would slowly rise.

 

I tried to get going, but I find myself back in my chair for now. 

Trying to get some breakfast down.  

My knees feel thick and weak.  My legs are shaky. 

Almost too shaky for me to rock!  😕

My arms are also tense, heavy, and weak.  

My hands feel sore.  

 

My worst symptom so far this morning, 

is that my lower back hurts.  

And if it was just back pain, that wouldn't be so bad. 

It's because it feels like both my kidneys hurt, 

that I sit here and worry about it.  

Are my kidneys okay?  I hope so.  

 

That and the fact that I just feel... 

... so blah.  

So out of it, and sore, and weak, and a bit nauseated.  

I just don't feel like I can move.  

 

Now I know I can.  I did.  I walked around this morning.  

Briefly.

I just can't believe I feel so awful today. 

I thought I would feel -better- today than yesterday!

I guess not.  

 

Trouble with my vision again today as well, I just noticed. 

My eyes feel dry, and they kinda hurt.  

Tense.  Anxious.  

Blah in a way I can't even describe.  

 

Sigh.  

I hope to see a window soon.  

It's been a tough run this time.  

One of the worst I've ever had.  

 

Oh, I wanted to shout out @Rabe

Your signature was what gave me the idea, 

to let my husband mix my Clonazepam with 

brown rice flour!  

 

Towards a better tomorrow!  

One excruciating step at a time!  

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Waterfall

Walked around again briefly. 

Came back feeling out of breath. 

Upper arms are trembling now.  

 

Often I feel cold right now, 

but sometimes I suddenly feel very hot, and sweaty.  

Even when I'm cold... often my underpants are damp with sweat.  

And sometimes just one patch of me feel strangely warm, 

sometimes my lower back, or my shoulders, or my upper arms or legs.  

 

Hey.  

At least my chest doesn't hurt so bad at the moment. 

Hurts a bit badly on the right side, 

but for some reason that doesn't scare me as much as the left. 

Don't know why exactly.  I think it feels a bit different.  

 

Heart palpitations today too.  Haven't had those in a while (thankfully). 

And that, on top of the usual pounding that has been so prevalent the last few days. 

 

Sometimes I don't know how I keep going.  

 

Oh, something weird this morning. 

Often I have songs that pound through my head without pause.  

It's especially common in the mornings, but it can happen any time. 

Though I've noticed less of that the last few weeks for some reason. 

 

But today, I just keeping having one word pop into my head.  

Venlafaxine.  

Not sure where that came from.  

I think it's a medicine.  

Perhaps one that some of you have taken before? 

Anyway, I don't know of any experience with the thing myself. 

The word just keeps popping into my head this morning.  

Weird, eh?  

 

Rock. Rock. Rock. Tremble. Rock. Rock. Venlafaxine! Rock. Rock. Rock... 

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Rosetta

Oh, how I wish this would get better for you right now!  Keep rocking.  It will get better. -R

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Waterfall

Well.  Most of today I felt pretty rough. 

Stayed most of the day in my chair.  

My knees were really sore and weak. 

Low level nausea.  

Mid-level chest pain. 

Bad back pain. 

Shaky.  Trembling.  

 

But for supper all of my local relatives were going to the park. 

My parents took two of the kids with them for supper.  

My husband and I, and the other two kids, did not go.  

But at their encouraging, we finally went.  

And... I felt pretty awful.  But I did better, and worse, than I expected. 

Better at first, because I felt so rough at the start. 

And I picked up more that I thought I would.  

I was glad that I had gone for a little while. 

But then, I thought, hey, I'm doing alright... 

And then I was surprised how bad I still felt.  

How weak and shaky I still was after all.  

Sigh. 

I just want to go on with life. 

This is such a pain. 

Literally.  

 

Keep smiling, everyone.  

May tomorrow be a brighter day.  

 

Hey, at least I got in some sunshine today!

Hope everyone had at least something happy, on this Mother's Day!

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Waterfall

Had a decent sleep last night.

Actually didn't wake up until almost 7:00!  

Didn't sleep until 11:30, but didn't wake up at all last night!

Felt sore and shaky this morning, 

but was able to get out of bed a bit earlier than usual. 

Did the bus drop off okay.  

Came home and slowly worked on housework until 10:30. 

Needed to stop, but had a hard time sitting down and relaxing again.  

Mild trembling, anxiety, and nausea.  

Tension in arms is improved.

Cogfog this afternoon.  

Sudden sharp increase in chest pain.  Ouch!  

Hope it goes away soon.  

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Waterfall

Nope.  It didn't. 

Chest pain didn't go away. 

Had a horrible afternoon.  

Sat in my chair and rocked.  

And rocked. 

And dozed.  

And jerked awake.  

Second time I've had that this week. 

Last time was in bed.  

Chest pain still here.  

Now my arm also hurts.  

And my neck. 

My shoulder blade. 

Also crampy.  

My knees hurt.  

Even my bum hurts.  

Trying not to be negative. 

Isn't working right now. 

 

Oops.  Forgot to hit enter on this.  

Managed to go to the bus stop.  

Picked up my husband.  

Helping my son with a project.  

My legs muscles are just quivering.  

My chest still hurts. 

My vision is kinda weird.  

But I still managed to do a few things this afternoon. 

I keep being amazed how much I can do when I think I can't. 

I also keep being amazed by just how awful I can feel sometimes.  

Sigh.  

I sigh I a lot lately. 

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Rabe

Hi Waterfall,

Yay of sleep!!  So hoping to get that again one of these days...3 to 4 hours is it.  I'm sorry about the chest pain, arm anxiety, muscle aches, fogginess, anxiety, nausea, and funny (not ha ha funny! ;)) vision...I do think the meds do that...doesnt make it easier but sometimes knowing you are not alone in it helps.  You DID do SO much inspire of all that!  If I could give you a blue ribbon I would!!!  Take care!

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Waterfall

Thank you, Rabe.  

Just hearing from you means so much. 

And your encouragement does much to lift my spirits. 

I can't wait until this phase passes again.  

 

I wish I could just sleep all day, ever day, until I felt better.  😜

But tomorrow I have to get up and deliver my son for his 

school trip early in the morning!  

Getting them to the school bus every day is hard enough. 

I wasn't a morning person -before- all this nonsense.  

This stuff just makes everything harder.  

 

Is the pain that feels like kidney pain, is that normal too? 

I think the worst thing about that pain, and the chest pain, 

is that it makes me worry that something more serious is wrong. 

So hearing from you that you have it to, and it's 'normal' for us, 

helps me a lot.  

 

So sad that there is ever a reason for anyone to call this 

horrible experience 'normal' in any context.  

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Rabe

Yes I do also get flank pain, mainly on the R side, and also feel like my bladder is on fire sometimes...along with my chest fire,  head fire and extremity burning I figure Ive pretty much gone from head to toe...wish could eat chocolate...would do S'mores! ;) 

I am considering an endoscopy at least if things continue simply because I have had issues in past.  But I do think it is the benzodiazepines because it gets worse in between doses and especially when its about time for another dose...and then eases after I take it. :( UGH!

I said out loud today that I just want to be 'normal...have forgotten what that is!! Hugs!

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Rosetta

You are really toughing it out.  It is nice to realize that one can do more than one thinks.  Thinking of you. -R

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Waterfall
2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

You are really toughing it out.  It is nice to realize that one can do more than one thinks.  Thinking of you. -R

 

Do I have any choice other than toughing it out?  

 

Thanks for thinking of me, Rosetta. 

I think of you too. 

I hope you are seeing some silver linings.  

Some blue skies.  

Some happy moments.  

 

I was stupid enough to try watch some seemingly calm videos before bed. 

Well.  They weren't.  Apparently I can't handle them right now. 

I mean, short videos.  Not like, whole movies or anything. 

But the music.  The material.  Who knows what all, but it sure made me anxious. 

Which made me sore.  And tense.  And did I mention anxious? 

 

Great.  

I was trying to -relax- before bed.  

Not wind up before bed.  

I switched videos. 

Got even more tense and anxious and sore... 

Tried several different clips. 

 

Really not sure -what- to do to relax right now. 

Can't find the energy for crafts. 

Videos set me off. 

Books make me too anxious.  

And right now it's sometimes hard to concentrate enough to read.

Many of the games I usually play, are just too much. 

The ONE that I have been enjoying, I've just played too much. 

And it's just... not helping as much right now.   

That's the thing about simple games, is you can get sick of them.  

 

How does one unwind then?  

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Waterfall
4 hours ago, Rabe said:

Hugs!

 

Hugs right back at ya, Rabe. 

I know the burning, the pain.  Also spasms, trembling, shaking. 

Today I was even sort of shivering.  

It's hot outside, but we have A/C, so to me, it feels cold in here.  

Sometimes my flanks hurt.  Sometimes my ribs.  Sometimes my breast bone. 

Sometimes my bladder burns.  Sometimes it hurts.  Sometimes it spasms. 

Sometimes I don't have to go for hours.  Sometimes I have to go...NOW!  

The worst is when it is spasming.  Oh, I so dislike that.  

Oh, the symptoms.  Please, I hope they go away.  

For me.  For you.  For all my friends here.  

I hope we can chat together, years from now, and how all this is in the past.  

I hope we can chat next week, about the great windows we are all having... 

 

In the meantime, I need to go to bed. 

Maybe tomorrow will be better.  

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Rosetta

I wish you did have a choice rather than toughing it out!  You are doing everything everyone needs you to do.  I hope you can be proud of that.  Maybe you can feel the smallest bit of satisfaction or happiness that you are getting the kids to school, driving, and helping with that school project.  

 

I wish I could sleep until I felt better, too.

 

I understsnd about the videos.  My mood can change on a dime because of something I saw or read.  Sometimes there is nothing to do but get sunlight.  That helps me when I feel that way, and at night -- well, that's not an option, and I feel trapped.

 

The biggest hug, Waterfall, Rosetta

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Waterfall
3 hours ago, Rosetta said:

You are doing everything everyone needs you to do.  I hope you can be proud of that.

 

That's a good point.  

My negativity sensor is going off... 

I far too quickly look back at a day, and think about all the parts where I felt awful. 

Or the parts I really had to struggle to get through. 

I don't usually look back and think, oh, wow, look at all the things I got done.  

Look what I managed to accomplish in spite of how lousy I felt.  

When I thought I couldn't get through it, and I did.  

I'm trying to.  Starting to.  But it's something I definitely have to work on.  

 

Last night was extremely anxious when I went to bed. 

Laid in bed and my heart pounded, my body panicked, but I tried to lay calm. 

Eventually I fell asleep. 

Woke at 4:00.  

Didn't fall asleep again until... around 5:00?  

Woke again around 7:00, sweat pouring down my neck and shoulders.  

Well, that's a new symptom.  

 

Felt really badly this morning.  

Nauseated, shaky, trouble thinking, or functioning.  

Sat and cried. 

Felt a bit better.  

Did some housework. 

Played outside with the kids for a while. 

Realized I still tire very easily.  

Am still very sore and out of shape.  

Just playing catch for a few minutes with my 5 year.. no, wait, 6 year old 

made my arms really sore and tired.  

But I still went on to pull a few weeds for my Mom. 

Worked on my laundry (my Mom sorted, washed, and folded it, I can't say I actually did much!)

And then tidied my kitchen.  

Unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. 

Washed the table, counters, and sink. 

Swept the floor. 

 

Now I finally get to sit. 

And I'm amazed... 

I'm tired.  I'm sore.  A little cranky.  

My chest feels tight today.  Like I can't breathe in all the way. 

My back hurts between my shoulder blades and up into my neck. 

But while I feel rough... for once, I don't feel like either I'm going to die, or that I want to.  

I don't feel like I'm going to pass out.  Or fall over.  

I had a really bad wave of nausea just before lunch. 

As a matter of fact, I still haven't finished my sandwich. 

But for now, I'm really surprised, all things considered, that I don't feel worse.  

If it stayed like this... I think I could, maybe, almost, actually manage.

What a nice feeling. 

Wonder how long it will last.    

 

Is this... is this a window?  

I've been waiting for one of those. 

Didn't think one could possibly be coming after last night and this morning.  

But... could it be?  

 

And you know what, I -am- proud of what I have accomplished today. 

And the fact that I'm surviving okay at the same time. 

I hope the rest of the day goes this well.  

(Not saying I wouldn't like to feel -better-, since I still feel pretty lousy, but hey, not worse is a good start!)

 

Oh, and before I forget...

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

My mood can change on a dime because of something I saw or read.

 

Oh, do I ever know what you mean!

But what I find interesting, is that my threshold is not always the same. 

Yesterday?  My threshold for being affected by external stimuli was very low.  

Meaning, the slightest thing set me off quite badly.  

Other times, I can watch or read things that are actually much more stressful, 

but I handle them just fine. 

I use this, at least in part, to define my baseline as to how sensitized my system is right now. 

If I can watch something like 'House', then I'm doing amazing, I know I can handle anything!

If I can't even watch people doing skateboard tricks, without my anxiety rising, well, then I'm in pretty rough shape!

 

4 hours ago, Rosetta said:

and I feel trapped.

 

And that.. that is the worst.  When we feel trapped and desperate, with no feeling that we can change it, or fix it, or... 

It's when you feel like there are no options.  

 

It's kinda how I felt last year.  I was already ON drugs, and yet my anxiety was rising.  

So I thought, okay, I have to change something.  

So I went off the drugs.  

And felt okay... for a while.  

Figured I'd try a few natural things, to make sure I stayed on an even keel, 

because I wasn't doing horrible, but I wasn't doing great either.  

And then everything went to... somewhere bad.  

And I've been struggling ever since, wondering, what do I do about this?  

I feel awful, but I don't know what to change to make it better. 

And so far, the only answer I can find, is live with it, and wait.  

And someday, my prince will come... I mean, someday I might just feel better. 

And if not, at least in the meantime, maybe I'll have learned to cope better with it.  

We all die someday, I hope that I can reach a point where it's not so hard to enjoy the journey. 

 

On another note, I remember I was working earlier, and thinking to myself, 

'My least favourite symptom for today, is... "

Only, I forgot which one it was.  Right now, it's the tightness of my chest.

And then I was thinking:
"And my favourite symptom is... ha!  Who am I kidding, I don't have a -favourite- symptom!!"

I thought that might make you guys laugh. 

It made me laugh.  

Laughing is good.  

Sunshine is good.

Remembering to eat, and drink, is good.  

Especially when you manage to eat and drink healthy things.  

I've cheated a little lately on sugary things I probably shouldn't have. 

Hopefully they haven't made all this worse. 

Anyway.  

I have half an hour left to relax before it's time to go to the bus. 

Going to finish my lunch (even though it's way past lunchtime)

And just sit here and goof off on the computer,

rocking in my lovely chair, 

and relax.  

 

Hope you all see some sunshine today!

(Without getting too hot!)

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Rabe

Hi Waterfall...gosh, sounds like inspire of everything you are doing SO well with all you do!  Love that you are in your chair!!! :) 

hope your evening goes well!! Hugs!

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Waterfall

Well.  

I went to the bus pick-up. 

I left thinking, oh, boy, I feel rough. 

But then, my husband and I went to the store. 

And while I waited for him, I actually thought, 

hey, I... I think, I think I actually feel kinda... normal. 

Wow!!!!

I was kinda excited. 

It gave me hope, 

that I would see a day where I actually didn't have all these symptoms, 

someday. 

 

Then I got out of the van. 

Bleh.  

Nope. 

Not there yet.  

 

Okay, so in the van I still had a wave of nausea. 

Which I treated with a handful of tostitos chips.  

But... I saw a glimmer. 

A shadow.  

A mirage. 

A hint,

     of what life could be like. 

 

I hope it is again someday.  

Oh, I hope it is.  

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Waterfall
1 minute ago, Rabe said:

Hi Waterfall...gosh, sounds like inspire of everything you are doing SO well with all you do!  Love that you are in your chair!!! :) 

hope your evening goes well!! Hugs!

 

Thanks, Rosetta!

I was thinking... doing so well!?  

I don't feel like I'm doing so well. 

I feel like I'm just barely crawling, scraping by.  

I feel like every step is a small mountain. 

Ever minute, every hour, a fight, a struggle.  

 

But then, it occurred to me... 

I wondered how other people did it. 

People on the side, 

the ones who talk about how they managed to keep their job, 

but they aren't quite sure how.  

But they made it through, somehow. 

Well.. I guess I'm doing it.  

So far.  

 

I finally understand.  

 

When people grumble that someone says, 

"I don't know how you do it."

I finally get it.  

It's not that you know how you do it either. 

Were you not in this place, you would have no idea how. 

You ARE in this place, 

and you have no idea how. 

You just do it. 

It's there.  

You don't have a choice. 

You.  Really.  Don't.  Know.  How.  

But, somehow, you just.... do it.  

 

Sometimes, you look ahead, at more of this, 

and you think, 

how do I keep doing this?!  

I don't know.  

We just do.  

 

There aren't any other options.  

So.  

We just do.  

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