tezza: risperdal withdrawal

[tezza]

Hi CS, I have just began to journal this week. It helps me keep up with the supplements I take , in addition to symptoms and the like. I'm figuring at least I'll be able to look back and know for sure I have had some good days. It helps in a lot of ways, I think. Especially, since my memory is not the greatest. I would suggest it for others as well.

 

I hope you are feeling better today. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I need you all so much and I thank God for Alto and this forum.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

[Whatever]

Tezza I am so sorry for the mental anguish you are going through. I remember it quite well. I discussed this in my introduction, to get through WD I focused on anger (anger towards the MD who was so reckless in my treatment, etc.) as opposed to depression. Yes, I agree that depression and self loathing is a neuro-emotion. But as I have said before depression is anger turned inward. Free flowing journaling can help you field through your emotions and get to the root of the emotion which may be anger. You should not let the drug, the MD, the system make you hate yourself - HOW DARE THEY make you feel that way - you are a human who is full of love and compassion!

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through...((HUGS)).

[tezza]

Thank you, Whatever. I read that post where you explained that a few days ago. I just don't know how to turn the anger away from myself. I'd rather be angry than what I feel. I just cant seem to get angry anymore. Not even when I should. The only time I had rages was when I was on all the meds. I always feel like I've done something bad or wrong and I try so hard not to. Also, thanks for the hugs, I need those. ;-)

[tezza]

Will I ever have a life again or will I be in withdrawal forever? Can I really hope to someday be well again?

 

I'm going to the funeral of a close relative today. I'm trying to believe that I'm just going through some added distress because of this. Please, someone tell me if I'll always be like this or if I can have hope. I'm sorry to be a bother in any way but I need reassurance badly if I will get better.

 

Does sleep ever get back to normal? I think I slept till almost 5:30 this morning. Is that a good sign? I've had some good windows as far as mood, does that mean possibly I will get better? Or is it just a fact that once the WD train leaves the station that it never goes back? I'm really starting to wonder. I don't think I'm strong enough to face life like this for long.

 

I'm a burden to my family in this condition and I don't want to be. They don't deserve it. I rarely have any motivation. But, I did think I might get well one day, now I just don't know. Please...

[Barbarannamated]

Tezza,

It WILL get better. For me, sleep got much better after I got through the early morning panic and just a few hours of sleep- several months out. Sleep deprivation and pain mess with my mind more than anything. They magnify all stressors (for me). You've had unimaginable stress and loss recently. I can't imagine how you are holding up as well as you are.

Hang in there, my friend.

 

Barb

[tezza]

Barb, thank you for giving me some hope. I needed it so much. I will hope for wellness because I believe you. I'd started thinking it would never end. I hope you are blessed with all that is good. Thank you so much.

[Barbarannamated]

I just noticed that you're in Georgia - one of my favorite places!! LOVE the southeast coast.

Have looked at moving there. Would ya like to be my neighbor? (bad Mr. Rogers impression)

 

I watch that Miley Cyrus movie just for the scenery - east coast beach (Daniel Island?), spanish moss, old south...

 

Have you heard about the Peer Respite House in Georgia? Forget where it is. Interesting story of a Psych Survivor (not sure I like that term, but..) who opened a home for people to get support but avoid hospitalization/medication/"the system". I'll find the link and post, just fyi.

Sorry this message is all over the place!

 

Here it is -- there is a link to Shery Mead's story - inspiring!

Georgia Peer Support Wellness and Respite Centers

[Karma]

Tezza,

 

I agree with Barb - you've been through terrible loss recently and that adds stress. I know that with the stress I experienced this week I felt pretty hopeless, too. But I did recover from it and my mood did improve. I know that if I give myself enough time at an adjusted dose that I do return to normal.

 

Give yourself a break - it will get better.

 

Karma

[tezza]

Thank you Karma, it helps to have you guys telling me this. I didn't let myself get well adjusted the last couple of times. This time I'm just gonna have to wait longer. It' s really more depression that I feel with the fears and hopelessness all added together. I completely related to what you were feeling a few days ago but, because it has stayed with me, I was getting more hopeless.

 

I went to my brother-in-laws funeral today and took it harder than his wife and children. But, I've known him since I was a baby. Then we married into the same family, so I was closer to him than I was my own brothers. I spent the last three weeks of my oldest brother's life caring for him while he died in my home. That's more time than I had spent with him my whole life. Our other brother never called or came while he was living or after he died. I've got to be the lonilest person alive and all my insides feel sad and empty.

 

I'm sorry if that was too much info and only you guys and my husband knows it was so hard on me. I'm really not a drama queen, I just need to know that the loss I'm feeling is justified , I guess. And I think the WD is making it double whammy. Thank you for trying to help. I appreciate y'all so much.

[tezza]

Yes Barb I'm in Georgia but not on the coast. If you don't mind living 10 minutes from Alabama, I'd love to be your neighbor. You made me smile:-)

 

I'd never heard of that house you asked about. I stay too isolated. Thank you for the link. But, I thank you more for friendship. I really care about you guys.

[tezza]

I posted in Jan. that two teens lived in the house, I had forgotten that my son turned 20 in Nov. My twenty yr old son told me that I'm not in any condition to deal with death right now. I'm sure he knows, he sees me a lot. He's here a lot because the teen that lives here is his GF. She's very sweet and helps me a lot when I can't do things. They try to help because they can feel my agony. I'm so blessed to have the support of my family. My husband went to the wake alone and understood my not wanting to go. I wouldn't have gone to the funeral if I'd felt I could have lived with myself later. I didn't sit with the family.

 

I just wish my insides would stop the sad, broken feeling. It's just like having a very broken heart.

[Barbarannamated]

 

I went to my brother-in-laws funeral today and took it harder than his wife and children. But, I've known him since I was a baby. Then we married into the same family, so I was closer to him than I was my own brothers. I spent the last three weeks of my oldest brother's life caring for him while he died in my home. That's more time than I had spent with him my whole life. Our other brother never called or came while he was living or after he died. I've got to be the lonilest person alive and all my insides feel sad and empty.

 

I'm sorry if that was too much info and only you guys and my husband knows it was so hard on me. I'm really not a drama queen, I just need to know that the loss I'm feeling is justified , I guess. And I think the WD is making it double whammy. Thank you for trying to help. I appreciate y'all so much.

 

Tezza,

I can't imagine the loss and grief you are feeling and you don't have to justify your feelings for any reason. You've have a series of losses in a short time - your emotions from previous deaths are probably being dug up and all mixed together. Feeling any emotion after being dulled by drugs is intense and scary. I'm sorry it's been such a difficult time.

[tezza]

My daughter (30 yrs old) left Risperdal off cold turkey, Christmas. About the same time she conceived. No symptoms of WD at that time. She's about eight wks pregnant now. Last wk she DC Remeron CT. Now she is throwing up a lot, she thinks it is just from pregnancy and I pray it is, still I'm very concerned. She is doing a rapid taper from Lamictal now and has DC Xanax and switched to Buspirone. I thought maybe the hormone change may have kept her from WD from Risperdal. I'm worried about her! I suppose there is no way to know for sure if it's the pregnancy or WD that's making her so nauseous. I'm under so much stress and worry right now, I don't know how much more I can stand.

 

I woke today before 3:00am. If I've tapered too fast, will I still be able to get stabilized if I did taper too soon?

[tezza]

I've been @ .375 for six wks & one night. Did the good windows signify that I'm getting better? Do a lot of people have to go this slow? Thinking back, I realize that when I had the first good wk or so I would taper again. I'm afraid it was just a window instead of being stabilized. I'm kinda scared.

[tezza]

I'm stressing really bad today. But I've had a couple of wks ( one at a time ) since the last taper. Was that a sign that I didn't go too fast?

[tezza]

I meant to say a couple of wks that were not bad as far as mood. I can't even think right today.

[tezza]

I'm sorry, Barb, thank you for your kind words. I checked out that link also. But the vid wouldn't play. Thank you, that one in Barrow or Decatur would be like an hour and a half away I think. I'm just sorta out of it today. I'm sorry I didn't respond to your last reply till now.

[Altostrata]

Yes, if you have windows, that's a good sign.

 

How frequent are your windows, tezza? You might keep a little journal for symptoms so you can see how decreases in dosage affect you, and how long it takes for them to alleviate.

[tezza]

The windows have been like every other or every third week. When I'm having a good window, my mood is not so low and the twitching and ringing in my ears will stop for a day here and there.

 

I started keeping a journal about two wks ago, it is a good way to keep track of symptoms, meds, supplements... Thank you, Alto, for letting me know for sure that was a good sign. When I get like I've been today I start to doubt if I've done the tapering slow enough.

[tezza]

I felt better yesterday than the day before and better today than yesterday! Thank you, God. I'm a totally different person today than a couple of days ago. I so pray it lasts!

[Barbarannamated]

I meant to say a couple of wks that were not bad as far as mood. I can't even think right today.

 

Hey, Tezza. A couple of weeks with not bad mood sounds good to me!

I relate to not being able to think. I am either thinking too much or unable to pull my thoughts together. I hope to find that elusive middle ground.

[tezza]

Tezza,

 

I agree with Barb - you've been through terrible loss recently and that adds stress. I know that with the stress I experienced this week I felt pretty hopeless, too. But I did recover from it and my mood did improve. I know that if I give myself enough time at an adjusted dose that I do return to normal.

 

Give yourself a break - it will get better.

 

Karma

 

[tezza]

I like that "I do return to normal"

[tezza]

One year ago, my brother was here. He came to my house to die. He was in a coma on this day last year. He died March 14th. Yesterday and today have been hell. All I seem to think about is dying and have thought about it too much. I'm very depressed and am praying for relief. I've started waking at 2 something and can't go back to sleep. I don't think I can make it much longer. I don't know how you guys are handling so well. I wish I was like y'all - strong. I really feel like I'm losing it. I read your intros over and over because I can't remember what I've read. I'm sorry I don't ever know what to say to help anyone. I would like to help.

[Barbarannamated]

Not at all strong here ~ very unwell

Im sorry Tezza ~ you've had so much loss ~ you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for

Hugs

[tezza]

Thank you Barb, I know you go through a lot of unnecessary hell on top of WD hell. I really do wish you were my neighbor. You are so sweet! Hugs back to you.

[Karma]

Tezza

 

What is it that you are thinking? Thoughts about dying bump up against my brain frequently lately and I cannot believe that this is normal. I think about how it would be a solution, about how I wouldn't have to keep trying to work 50 hours a week, that I wouldn't have to think about working until I retire, that I wouldn't have to find a solution to the diagnosis of osteoporosis ... and then I remind myself that I have a very good life ... and I really do. I remind myself that I am putting faith in things external rather than maintaining faith in the Great Spirit of the Universe, the Spirit within.

 

These emotions are neuro-emotions and they aren't real. I have to remind myself - it isn't about being strong - it is about living one minute at a time.

 

I know that I've enjoyed life and reveled in the beauty of the sun glinting off of the snow capped peaks of the Rocky Mountains. I know that I've felt joy at my cat kneading my lap like a champion bread maker ... I know I've felt joy at my dog's enthusiasm when she sees me (she seems to be saying, "it's you, it's you!") and I know that I feel a warmth in my soul when my husband let's loose a laugh deep from his belly ... if you have ever caught yourself enjoying a moment you can do it again.

 

Be gentle with yourself, but remind yourself that these are neuro-emotions and they are not real. As you get some distance from this difficult anniversary you will feel better.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

Karma

[tezza]

Thank you for reminding me, Karma. I'm sure you're right. I have been thinking that if I could muster up the courage to do so, I would commit suicide. But, I can't stand the thought of what it would do to my children, grandchildren and husband. I just wonder if I'm ever gonna be well or if this is all I'll ever be. I don't want to be the way I am for a long time. I can hardly believe this is my life now but it is. I'm so miserable and lonely. So unwell. I try to change the channel but the past few days its not working.

 

Thank you for all of your encouragement. I wouldn't commit suicide but the thought keeps plaguing me. Thank you for the hugs. I needed them. Hugs back to you. I am trying to remember that these are neuro emotions...

[tezza]

Thank you both, Barb and Karma, for caring enough to reply. It means a lot to me. I can't express to you just how much it touches my heart to know that there are such wonderful people in this cruel world. I don't have much of a social life, therefore, I don't know anyone as special as you guys. Y'all are keeping me holding on.

 

I don't feel I deserve anything good so I thank God for you all. Karma, what do you think happens to our spirit when we die? Do you think we go to the Spirit that sent us here? If so, what after? Do you think our spirit reincarnates? I have all these thoughts and questions inside. Of course, we can't know for sure, but I'm curious as to what others think. I do know there is a higher power because it has been so real to me. I have prayed and had prayers answered. I feel a Divine Spirit is watching over us. I call Him God, but God is a Spirit. My mind just has so many questions. You don't have to answer if you'd rather not.

[Karma]

I don't feel I deserve anything good so I thank God for you all. Karma, what do you think happens to our spirit when we die? Do you think we go to the Spirit that sent us here? If so, what after? Do you think our spirit reincarnates? I have all these thoughts and questions inside. Of course, we can't know for sure, but I'm curious as to what others think. I do know there is a higher power because it has been so real to me. I have prayed and had prayers answered. I feel a Divine Spirit is watching over us. I call Him God, but God is a Spirit. My mind just has so many questions. You don't have to answer if you'd rather not.

 

First of all you are a child of God and therefore deserve all the blessings he/she has to offer - this is how you know that your ego is what feels it doesn't deserve anything good, but your true essence is of God and therefore you do deserve everything good.

 

I believe we are all a part of the One ... when we pass from the physical life I believe our spirit returns to a different plane than the physical plane and determine our next journey. I do believe we reincarnate to learn from experiences on the physical plane until perhaps we no longer need to return to the physical plane. I think that at that point we are able to guide those on the physical plane when they ask for help and give us permission to guide them.

 

I read and explore things that interest me to form my own beliefs - they are mine and I don't expect anyone else to believe them or accept them. My father had a near-death experience once and he told me about seeing his body on the operating table. He was able to describe everything the medical team did to revive him and he was able to confirm it with the medical team after he was revived. But he didn't believe in reincarnation or afterlife. He only told me because he knew I was open to it.

 

One book I read many years ago because of my interest in reincarnation is Life after Life - a more spiritual read is Seat of the Soul by Gary Zurvac (although I'm not sure I've read the whole book) - interesting and thought provoking The Instruction by Ainslie MacLeod.

 

If you are interested in these things then there is nothing wrong with reading books on these subjects. You may reject them based on your core beliefs and that is fine. But you may also find nuggets of truth that resonate with you and provide you with answers.

 

{{{HUGS}}}

 

Love and light,

Karma

[tezza]

Thank you for your thoughts. I have often wondered about reincarnation and I've wondered if deja-voo (spelling? ) is associated with it. I had deja-voo a lot as a child. I also had dreams about the end of time and a great earthquake was involved. At the time I didn't know how it was supposed to be the end of time because I had this dream when I was two or three years old. I've wondered if that was something I had experienced in another life. I was too young to have imagined such an event. I live in GA so I had never been exposed to quakes or even heard about them. The dreams were so real that I've remembered them all these years. I had the dreams until I was eight or nine years old, I think. I was just curious about what you or others think. I was not raised to believe in reincarnation and never really thought about it till a couple of yrs ago. Then one day I read something in the Bible that made me wonder. "There is nothing new under the sun"

 

I may try to find those books. Thank you for sharing your beliefs with me. Thank you for your kind words.

 

{{{Hugs}}}

May love and healing be yours

[Barbarannamated]

Beautifully said, Karma. I agree 100% even though my understanding is very young and evolving. Like you, Tezza, I never gave a whole lot of thought to it until a few years ago when something would hit me as 'different' and was unexplainable from my black and white mindset. I thought about whatever it was until it got very uncomfortable, anxiety-producing. Then I'd put it away and then something else would strike me and I'd go through the same process. When I was tapering and since, many synchronicities and deja vu moments hit me. I feel certain that it's all somehow related but it doesnt make the upheaval any less distressing until I remind myself of the bigger picture (sometimes helps; other times, not so much).

[Altostrata]

tezza, Karma, Barb -- how about opening up a topic about this in the Finding Meaning forum? Others may be interested in joining in.

[tezza]

I'm wondering if I have tapered too rapidly. I still am not doing well and has been over seven wks since I tapered. I'm wondering if I should reinstate some and try to taper more slowly. The last dose that I was ok on was .5. I also am doubting whether I will ever be able to come off Risperdal at all. I've tried to wait for symptoms to abate but it's taking so long and that is stressing me badly. I just want to be like I was before pmeds. Now, though, I'm wondering if I ever will be. I have no life in this condition. I've been putting off the thought of reinstating but now I don't know what to do. I'd just about think I'd be better off letting the drug kill me slowly than to go through this. Like I said I have no life, I almost feel like a vegetable.

[tezza]

The last time I was stable was before I CT in Sept. I'm very discouraged and feeling very hopeless. I just don't know what to do. I have no motivation for anything. I have ringing in ears, I can't sleep well. I only leave the house if I must. My house looks like a dump and that just depresses me more. I can't eat although I get hungry. I take no pride in my appearance. I have spasms or movements in legs, feet and hands. Still have some twitches. I'm sure I'm leaving out some things because I can't think straight.

[tezza]

I have had some good windows but I'm afraid I tapered when I was having a good window instead of being stabilized. When I went back on. .5,as soon as I slept for two nights, I tapered then. I didn't know about windows then and thought I was ready to taper. I don't want to live like this, I feel I'm no good for my family and am afraid they are losing patience w me. I'm so depressed that I don't keep myself or my house the way I used to. I once accidentally took 1 and a half mg. of tablets and the next day I felt normal. I cleaned a lot and had a better mood. My original dose was 1mg that I broke in half mid July. I CT the.5 mid Sept. Left off for two wks and realized I was only getting worse so I went back on .5 and four wks later I slept well for two nights then tapered some off the tablet. I'm not sure how much the taper was because that was before I got the scale. I suspect I was not getting the same amount each day as I was eyeballing it.

 

I'm sorry I keep adding new comments but I keep remembering some info that I think may be relavent. Thank you in advance for advice.