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kesh: Parasomnia ruining my life

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kesh

I'm now wondering how to work on my baseline symptoms, depression, anxiety and insomnia. The ones I had before going on meds. The ones I will face as I come off meds. I had them intermittently, not permanently.

 

As is usual for people like us, my mind is looping between hope and fear. I'm not sure I have the energy to do the exercises to get away from my thought spirals. 

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kesh

Woke up with akathisia. This is regular as clockwork at the moment, every other day. It usually lasts until early evening. Though as this feels worse than the last one, who knows.

 

Akathisia is hell. Trying not to panic, to tell myself this is a wave that will pass. Dutifully had my 2.5mg citalopram even though it's poisoning me.

 

Had two new symptoms in night. I woke up feeling my brain activity had sped up 1000 times. Later I woke up feeling my arms and hands were huge.

 

Tinnitus is quite strong today.

 

Doses as before. Can't wait for next scheduled cut of citalopram. 

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kesh

Akathisia went at about 4pm. It's getting weirdly predictable. I have a 48 hour cycle: I sleep badly, wake up with aka, lasts until early evening, sleep well, have a good(ish) day. 

 

When I say sleep. Sleep feels like an acid trip, so many symptoms hit me then.

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UnfoldingSky

kesh, I saw your post on my thread, wanted to provide some hope that the akathisia will go.  I was on and off Celexa a number of times too and it did clear up, was as you said though hellish to live through.  I noticed upthread you weren't sure if the aka was you or not, from what I understand it's only caused by psychiatric drugs so try not to get too caught up in thinking the problem lies in you. 

 

I also for a time had a pattern like you describe where it was more prominent one day and the next so while on a benzo and Propranolol too.  I never did figure out why. 

 

Wishing you much healing and if you have any questions feel free to ask (though it may take some digging to find my thread!)

 

Warm wishes,

US

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kesh

Thanks UnfoldingSky. I think I've read too many horror stories of people who have it for years. But realistically, I have it intermittently, so know my brain can be free of it.

 

Anyway. Todays journal.

 

Same meds as before. Slept about 6 hours and pretty normally. Not like yesterday's weirdness. Woke up conventionally depressed and a bit anxious. No aka.

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kesh

The anxiety has persisted all day. This is usually my good day in the cycle. Perhaps things are evening out. It usually eases later in the day. We'll see. Off to acupuncture, we'll see if that helps. It usually does while I'm having it.

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musk
On 29/12/2017 at 4:27 PM, kesh said:

That's my thoughts sometimes. A long taper is just more time to get more hooked. But I'm new to this.

 

 

Hello everyone.

This is what I think, that a very slow reduction is more time to get hooked. It's my concern with diazepam.

 

But does anyone know anything with a minimum of certainty? Why are psychiatrists so wrong? Is everything so strange to me...

 

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kesh
1 hour ago, musk said:

Hello everyone.

This is what I think, that a very slow reduction is more time to get hooked. It's my concern with diazepam.

 

But does anyone know anything with a minimum of certainty? Why are psychiatrists so wrong? Is everything so strange to me...

 

Yes, we're all groping around in the dark, and sites like this are taking notes and trying to learn from our progress. 

 

I cut 25% from my valium after a few weeks use. I felt it. It wasn't unbearable but it wasn't nice. If I was in work I'd have had to take time off for instance. Next cut will be more gentle.

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musk
2 minutes ago, kesh said:

Yes, we're all groping around in the dark, and sites like this are taking notes and trying to learn from our progress. 

 

I cut 25% from my valium after a few weeks use. I felt it. It wasn't unbearable but it wasn't nice. If I was in work I'd have had to take time off for instance. Next cut will be more gentle.

but my fear is this: how do we know that what happens to us is withdrawal syndrome and not mental illness?

 

I am out of sertraline since 5 months and I have never been so bad!

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kesh

Or both. I know that I get mental illness, and I will have to deal with it without drugs, because I have such a bad reaction to drugs. I also know last summer I was mentally well, and had been drug free for years. So my brain can be fine without drugs. I just have to find out how.

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musk
2 minutes ago, kesh said:

Or both. I know that I get mental illness, and I will have to deal with it without drugs, because I have such a bad reaction to drugs. I also know last summer I was mentally well, and had been drug free for years. So my brain can be fine without drugs. I just have to find out how.

but, how we know that what happens is a reaction to drugs and is not due to mental illness?

 

before medicating I had estres & depression with obsessive ideas. I was fine with the antidepressant (only 1 year). now 5 months since I left, I'm much worse than before, I'm in hell.

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manymoretodays

Hi Kesh,

 

I have learned, personally, that I am basically human.........with some variations, oh many variations, in my response to life.  Sure, I could define myself as "mentally ill" from time to time........when I struggle a bit, to learn new ways of coping with ordinary challenges that most all of us humans in developed countries(I can't speculate too much on those in undeveloped countries), have to deal with.  I don't find it helpful at all anymore to do so........define myself as mentally ill.  Usually it's more going on then just the mental, and I believe that is often the case for most of us.  Physiological, Spirtual. 

 

So you had a period last summer of being mentally well.  Can you describe that?  Was everything roses and sunshine?  The benzo's do result in depression for many users.  And believe me.........you are not the first to want something, anything in the form of a happy or symptom relieving pill for a quick fix.  I think you are learning that often times the quick fix turns into something longer(as far as difficulties go).  Perhaps then one realizes that there are rarely quick fixes and absolutes.  I may be going off on a tangent here.......:blink:  So just bear with me.

 

1 hour ago, kesh said:

Yes, we're all groping around in the dark, and sites like this are taking notes and trying to learn from our progress. 

 

I cut 25% from my valium after a few weeks use. I felt it. It wasn't unbearable but it wasn't nice. If I was in work I'd have had to take time off for instance. Next cut will be more gentle.

 

We're not here, SurvivingAntidepressants, I mean........to solely study people and their withdrawal experiences.  Sure we are all here(on earth) to learn, and pass on the information where it may be helpful.   And here at this site to support others as they go through withdrawal and hopefully minimize some of their withdrawal symptoms.  Have you read some of the published articles down at the bottom of the Home page.  Perhaps those will appeal to you?   Thank goodness though, for those who do actively speak on out, and publish and keep plugging away, at the change that is so needed in mental health care.  Even those who just share their experiences. 

 

On 1/7/2018 at 1:28 PM, kesh said:

I'm now wondering how to work on my baseline symptoms, depression, anxiety and insomnia. The ones I had before going on meds. The ones I will face as I come off meds. I had them intermittently, not permanently.

 

As is usual for people like us, my mind is looping between hope and fear. I'm not sure I have the energy to do the exercises to get away from my thought spirals. 

 

1 hour ago, kesh said:

Or both. I know that I get mental illness, and I will have to deal with it without drugs, because I have such a bad reaction to drugs. I also know last summer I was mentally well, and had been drug free for years. So my brain can be fine without drugs. I just have to find out how.

 

Yup.  I hear you.  I do.  I don't think anything is permanent.  I used to find some good stuff to deal just from reading other peoples threads and following the suggestions given to them, even when sometimes they didn't, or weren't able to, or whatever.  And slowly just started to change, how I approached most things.  I mean......I'm still getting there........my normality.......so to speak......:o  A new normal. 

 

And yup.  You ARE starting to heal.

 

Best,

mmt

Edited by manymoretodays

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kesh

Thanks for the responses guys.

 

Musk, why did you come off the medication? And do you think you came off too quickly? 

 

Yes MMT, I've read pretty much everything. Linked here and stuff I have found myself. I don't mind calling what I have experienced mental illness or anything else.

 

On with the journal. Acupuncture was great. Became super relaxed and fell asleep. From anxious insomniac to sleeping as easily as a cat. Always remarkable. 

 

Later on I felt quite activated, idk if mild akathisia or just restless or just energised in a good way, but I'm interpreting every slight feeling negatively and with anxiety.

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UnfoldingSky
13 hours ago, kesh said:

 Off to acupuncture, we'll see if that helps. It usually does while I'm having it.

 

This is quite a good sign, I couldn't handle acupuncture when I had akathisia. Hopefully it means you can speed up recovery.

 

Or at least means you found a better practitioner than I had!

 

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musk
7 hours ago, kesh said:

 

Musk, why did you come off the medication? And do you think you came off too quickly? 

I never agreed to medicate myself, but in a moment of crisis I gave up, and I kept the medication for 1 year. That year I was fine.

 

And that's how I said "enough", and I asked the psychiatrist to leave it. Yes, I think it was too fast (from 100 mg to 0 in 1 month and a half).

 

Now I'm about to give up, I can not stand this situation and suffering, especially the great fear I have that my body will get ill from a serious and incurable disease because of cronic stress.

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kesh
1 hour ago, UnfoldingSky said:

 

This is quite a good sign, I couldn't handle acupuncture when I had akathisia. Hopefully it means you can speed up recovery.

 

Or at least means you found a better practitioner than I had!

 

Who knows. It helps at the time. I feel normal, relaxed, and usually sleep when I'm on the acupuncture table. But regular as clockwork I get akathasia every 48 hours, from waking up in the morning to early evening. Maybe this is exacerbated by the acupuncture. Maybe not.

 

Anything in particular make your akathisia go away? I'm torn between cutting the offending medication more quickly than 10% a month to see if it eases, or following the recommended cut rate and hope for stability. 

 

Today is an akathisia day. No change in medication. Maybe 5 hours sleep. 

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kesh
33 minutes ago, musk said:

I never agreed to medicate myself, but in a moment of crisis I gave up, and I kept the medication for 1 year. That year I was fine.

 

And that's how I said "enough", and I asked the psychiatrist to leave it. Yes, I think it was too fast (from 100 mg to 0 in 1 month and a half).

 

Now I'm about to give up, I can not stand this situation and suffering, especially the great fear I have that my body will get ill from a serious and incurable disease because of cronic stress.

I also fear that the stress of akathisia will hurt my body permanently, but I also know anxiety leads to such fears. 

 

Did you ever attempt to reinstate your anti depressant?

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musk
9 minutes ago, kesh said:

I also fear that the stress of akathisia will hurt my body permanently, but I also know anxiety leads to such fears. 

 

Did you ever attempt to reinstate your anti depressant?

No. Because my fall has been very gradual, until 5 months I was not so bad.

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kesh
3 hours ago, musk said:

No. Because my fall has been very gradual, until 5 months I was not so bad.

What are your plans? Hold on until things ease?

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musk
26 minutes ago, kesh said:

What are your plans? Hold on until things ease?

I do not have a plan, I am desperate I have fear and lack of control. things always ease? I do not know whether to believe that things will improve, sometimes they do not improve.

 

If I knew things would ease, I would hold on. but you can not know the future. I also believe that I am risking my health withstanding these symptoms.

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kesh

I know that feeling. If I knew guaranteed that this ended, I'd hold on as long as it takes. And you read stories where people recover, and the horror stories where they don't. Remember, most people who get well stop posting about it and you don't hear their recovery stories. So you are much more likely to hear the horror stories. 

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kesh

Anyway. Back to my journal. My akathisia ended just after noon (earlier than usual), as it has before: with a wave of exhaustion, and my pacing (I was going for a walk) suddenly became a snail's crawl.

 

That it ended sooner I'll take as a good sign.

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kesh
6 hours ago, UnfoldingSky said:

 

This is quite a good sign, I couldn't handle acupuncture when I had akathisia. Hopefully it means you can speed up recovery.

 

Or at least means you found a better practitioner than I had!

 

I'e only ever had it in a window but basically if i felt like i do on the acupuncturist's table all the time i'd be fixed.

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kesh

So the window, that came quicker than normal, left me exhausted. A kind of exhausted that somehow feels healing.

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UnfoldingSky
10 hours ago, kesh said:

So the window, that came quicker than normal, left me exhausted. A kind of exhausted that somehow feels healing.

 

kesh, very good to hear!

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kesh

The good day/bad day cycle has ended. The last two "good days" weren't good. Today was meant to be a good day but woke with akathisia after 6 hours sleep. Trying to resist it, or not panic about it, hoping for the window to come in the afternoon as usual, hoping this is a temporary set back from my diazapam cut 16 days ago, but I trust nothing to happen as it did before. I suppose one good sign is I fell asleep easily without any weirdness.

 

My thread title should really be akathisia is ruining my life.

 

Medication all as before.

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Nikki74

Just thought I’d check in Kesh. I’m sorry to hear the akathisia is with you today and the cycle appears to have changed. Hoping you get your window later. It is probably to do with the cut and it’ll settle down again. 

 

My title would be the same by the way!

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kesh

It passed about 11am. Had an okay hour or two, could relax and concentrate enough to read a book, then the anxiety began.

 

Be interesting to see what happens in acupuncture today, I'm not normally in an anxy/aki way when I have it. Wonder if I'll be able to stay still.

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kesh

So akathisia is back. This is new, as normally I get it in blocks, 8 hours, 10 hours. Today it's been rapidly turning on and off, an hour's relief then back on again.

 

Scary ****.

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kesh

Akathisia stopped about 15 minutes before acupuncture, so was able to lie still. Fell asleep as usual. Afterwards akathisia started up again.

 

What should I make of this? Is this akathisia actually anxiety? Psychomotor agitation?

 

I only half believe in acupuncture. If a placebo effect can relax me so much that I fall asleep, is this all "in my head" now? I know that the akathisia was initially chemical, but is my behaviour now locked into copying that chemical effect through fear?

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kesh

Now it's stopped again! Never known such rapid waves and windows. 

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Nikki74

Hi Kesh

I’ve had rapid cycling of symptoms and I know it’s scary but it’s meant to be when there’s profound healing work going on. 

 

Nikki 

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kesh
11 hours ago, Nikki74 said:

Hi Kesh

I’ve had rapid cycling of symptoms and I know it’s scary but it’s meant to be when there’s profound healing work going on. 

 

Nikki 

That's what I felt. Glad to hear it confirmed.

 

Journal stuff:

 

Last night was nice, watched TV with mum. Basically feeling normal except for the anxiety of feeling bad in the next wave. I kept saying to myself "acceptance". Easy to do when not in a wave.

 

This morning was interesting. Slept 1am to 6am, woke up feeling mild akathisia, maybe just anxiety  (sometimes it's hard to know where anxiety ends and mild akathesia begins) said "acceptance" to myself, and that with things changing so rapidly it might be gone soon. So then got three more hours of fitful sleep, riding waves.

 

Today is quite an anxious day so far. Not sure if I'm creating it, or whether it's the medication. 

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kesh

Last night fell asleep pretty quickly. Woke at 5.30am with akathisia. Spent about an hour and a half in bed resisting it as usual. Then up for first cigarette of the day. Feels stronger than yesterday. Praying it ends after a few hours as usual, but who knows. Medication as normal. Very tired, but 4 or 5 hours sleep is pretty good by recent standards.

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kesh

Akathisia hasn't stopped much. Got maybe an hour here and there where is reduced enough for me to sit and watch tv. Pretty scared. It's usually gone by now. Praying it stops by evening so I can get some sleep. 

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kesh

It's not stopped but it is less so hopefully I will be able to sleep. Worst day in a while. Wondering if I' m getting worse.

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