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hurtspouse

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hurtspouse

Hi everyone. I’ve commented many times on the relationships destroyed by AD’s. Im creating this post now out of absolute desperation. My partner of 10 years was on Paxil for four years. He is now 2 and a half years out from his last pill. This year was really bad. He had just one window way back in the summer, I remember it so well because we had a really nice day together as a family and that night he was scared to go to sleep as he was terrified that he’d go back into a wave. He did. His symptoms are worse now than they were one year ago. It all got too much at the weekend, he sat down moaning and complaining about EVERYTHING! And it all seems that every problem is all my fault. I can’t do anything right in his eyes and he told me that he doesn’t enjoy my company at all. He lost his temper (completely unprovoked) and shoved my little dog across the room too. I was so shocked that he’d behave so badly. My dog was crying, I scooped my little dog up and was cuddling and crying then I screamed at him. I was so upset, I normally just take everything he says and try to stay calm. But not animal cruelty. He never apologised or showed any remorse. Just swore at me and called me names and was even more cold and horrible. How can it be that 1 year ago he was so loving, and 1 year later (further out in his recovery) he becomes even more of a monster? Can this happen? I keep holding onto hope that he will recover soon, but it seems relentless. I am actually being verbally and mentally abused now and I can’t escape. I know that deep down he does still love me. And he will one day realise what he’s been putting us through. 

 

Any replies would be greatly appreciated.

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hurtspouse

Could anyone who has been through this with your partners let me know if these constant mood swings are normal? Especially this far out. He’s never been remorseful for how he treated us on the pills either,

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TeaBea

Wow, Hurtspouse, I'm so sorry!    Sounds like his brain is really struggling, but just because things have gotten worse doesn't mean they can't get better.  Meanwhile, do what it takes to protect yourself and any children/pets.  Even if you realize what's going on and know that deep down he loves you, he wouldn't want you to expose yourself to potential harm, even if it is for him.  

 

I don't know what to tell you.  My husband has been doing mostly okay.  He's been withdrawing SLOOOOOWWWWLY for the past 4 years (Effexor, now on only 5 little beads in his capsule) with lots of holding patterns, but every step-down (which is 1 bead at a time at this point, about every 10-12 weeks) brings irrational irritability, worsening anxiety, etc.  He's also become rather hypoglycemic when he gets hungry.  He's had 3 different "breaks" at that point which were a bit scary.  One minute, literally, he was fine, and the next he completely changed and behaved/believed weirdly (hard to explain, just was off-the-wall with something).  Got food in him, and he was okay and wouldn't discuss it.  I get fearful before every med drop, wondering if this might be the one where he changes and doesn't come back.  

 

Praying peace for you and yours.....

TB

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hurtspouse

Thanks Teabea for your reply. Wow just 5 more beads! When do you think he will finish completely? I wish my partner had gone slower in his taper. When I found out his behaviour whilst he was on the pills he went into a panic trying to get off them as fast as he could, thinking that it was the best way. He tapered from 20mg to 0 in three months! He has struggled so much with withdrawals, but last winter even through his bad days he loved me and always wanted to be around me. Now he’s gone back the other way. I don’t know what to do to help him as he won’t speak to me. I’m treading on egg shells every day and I’m worn down. I know it sounds horrible but I feel like I’m falling out of love with him myself. I’m starting to wonder if we’ll be better off apart now.

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TeaBea

There has to be some sort of cycle to how the brain heals, don't you think?  It is weird that once he got off, he was better before going backwards...he didn't start another med, did he?  Could he just be dealing with a piling-on of feelings that makes him irritable and just wanting to be left alone?  There's a lot of times I can tell my husband just wants to be left alone.  He's now becoming "anti-social", mostly because of social anxiety (that he didn't have before Effexor), so we don't do much.  

 

I hope to have hubby off his meds in about 15 months, maybe a bit longer on that last step down.  I've saved a lot of the smallest of beads for the end doses.  And then, I think I'll still give him a capsule with a few grains of sea salt :-) for another month or so just so there's no "expectation" by him of having quit.  The power of the mind, of belief, is a powerful one!  

 

I think you have to weigh the pros and cons for yourself of saying versus leaving.  You've seen him through the withdrawal and more.  

 

It's all unchartered territory, of course, but I wonder if your husband (if he's still suffering) tried a low dose of something else to help him even out, maybe regain some equilibrium, might help him.  FOR SHORT TERM.  THEN, do a proper, extended withdrawal so his brain can adapt more slowly.  Maybe it would help with his patience.  I don't know....doctors, for sure, don't have a better idea, either.  I know my husband used to be a very patient person, but he's not that any longer!  We're both low on that these days.  

 

Good luck to you!

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ultimatumprisoncell

Hi hurtspouse,

 

I self-weaned myself rapidly from a 60mg dose to a 5mg dose of Paxil (I really had no choice at the time) after having been on it for more than 10 years. I then, with the advice of a physician at the time, was put on a full dose of a different medical to replace it. I was never super stable on the Paxil. The few years I had in my early 20s, after having "successfully" discontinued the Paxil first introduced to me at 17 years old, are probably the sanest and clearest I can recall. That being said, it was still quite full of mood swings. And I was never quite back to pre-psych med baseline. I did and said a lot of hurtful things, to myself and to those I loved. According to hundreds of accounts I've found in people's experiencing getting off these meds this is "normal". Not normal per say, but an absolutely TYPICAL and REPRODUCIBLE occurrence that would indicate it is a result of the effects (POTENTIALLY quite long-term) of discontinuing these meds. Science has little evidence on the long term effects or potential harms of these meds as they are still relatively new. What evidence there ever was in the beginning was downplayed or left out of clinical trial reports intentionally. Internet searches have started to pop up stories of federal lawsuits and penalties paid by big pharma when the truth started coming out. But we are still in the infancy of finding answers. You obviously love your husband, or you wouldn't be here. Keep loving him. Keep supporting him. And understand that this is NOT NECESSARILY HIM. He is likely hurting very deeply and wishing he could just fix it all. Whether or not he is showing remorse, if he is anything like me, he is certainly feeling some frightening emotions and may not be aware he acting inappropriately. At least not until it feels too late to do or say anything to "fix it". Somethings cannot be fixed. Or sometimes with our internal guilt, shame, and confusion we allude ourselves into thinking there is no fix. If you or anyone in your home (including animals) are in potential danger as a result of his actions then please by all means contact the local authorities immediately. Beyond that, coming from someone who was 100% abandoned DURING withdrawals (and still rowing down that creek) - your love, patience, support, non-judgement, and self-education are the best thing you can provide him. Men are, well, men. You may have to wait a while for that apology or remorse. But I promise you it will be worth it if the two of you can work this out as a team, and come out of this very trying situation much stronger in the end. 

 

I wish the very best to the both of you, and I am willing to offer an ear/shoulder if you ever just need one.

 

UPC

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hurtspouse

Thank you Teabea and ultimatumprisoncell for you responses. It really helps to see both sides of this battle.  TB He definitely hasn’t started other meds. And won’t consider trying another one. But last winter he was doing so well in his recovery that he decided to quit smoking. He started vaping instead. Ever since then he’s been just horrible. I don’t know if the combination of protracted withdrawals and vaping are causing him to be so miserable and angry. I haven’t seen many studies on the effects of vaping to know. But the whole year that he’s been vaping, he’s been worse. He says he’s too stressed to quit that too.

 

ultimatumprisoncell I’m so sorry that you felt abandoned during your withdrawals. I hope in time you can mend broken relationships and/or form new, meaningful relations. I found it interesting when you mentioned how he may be feeling, based on your experiences. He has said before that ‘he’s ruined everything’ and other similar things. When I asked if he’d prefer to be apart he replied that he doesn’t want to separate at all. It just doesn’t make sense because his actions say otherwise. It’s ridiculous how much of our lives these drugs have stolen! 

 

 

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ultimatumprisoncell
On 12/29/2017 at 6:23 PM, hurtspouse said:

Thank you Teabea and ultimatumprisoncell...

...ultimatumprisoncell I’m so sorry that you felt abandoned during your withdrawals. I hope in time you can mend broken relationships and/or form new, meaningful relations. I found it interesting when you mentioned how he may be feeling, based on your experiences. He has said before that ‘he’s ruined everything’ and other similar things. When I asked if he’d prefer to be apart he replied that he doesn’t want to separate at all. It just doesn’t make sense because his actions say otherwise. It’s ridiculous how much of our lives these drugs have stolen! 

 

To clarify, I don't feel abandoned. I was literally abandoned. To avoid unnecessary drama I'll leave out all but the very basic details. My behavior during this horrible WD experience was too much for him. Due to additional ensuing circumstances, there will be no reconciliation. This is one relationship that was truly destroyed by AD WD. 

Basically... I have ruined everything. In reality the AD ruined everything, using my helpless body and mind as a vessel of destruction.. So I, from personal experience, can identify with what your husband feels and says.

I don't and never did want to lose my fiancee. WD has been horrible. I know it's been HELL on him.  I have insisted the entire time that it's MUCH worse on me, and I feel many others in my position would agree. Because losing yourself and turning into something you don't recognize nor want to BE is a frightening thing. There are instances I've actually NO MEMORY or very little memory of my violent outbursts. That makes this situation all that much more frustrating. 

As a result, relationships have been destroyed permanently. This is what the meds do. This is not your husband. He's in there.  You can't work miracles. These medications are powerful and destructive. And we don't even know the whole picture yet from a medical standpoint.

As I said. Just love him. Support him. And don't give up on him ever. Even if you have to step away temporarily or permanently for your own safety.

None of us will ever truly heal without love and support. 

But it sounds like you're already doing an amazing job of that for him

 

Hugs, and best wishes for the two of you in this New Year!

 

UPC

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hurtspouse

For the past few weeks there have been some odd developments. He’s still pretty much the same each day, cold and indifferent towards mainly just me. However some nights I’m awoken by a man very much in love. I can tell he’s sleep talking but he’s like his old self during these moments. He tells me that he loves me so much and that he misses me. Last night he woke me up by kissing me. But the next morning he doesn’t remember and even makes a joke like ‘as if I’d do that!’ which is very hurtful. You really do have to be thick skinned to make it through something like this. I worry that his feelings will stay trapped like this forever. It’s truly shocking how those pills have hidden his feelings away for so long. I’m scared to have hope after these latest developments. 

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Mermaid17

Hurtspouse, thank you for your post. I don't know what to say other than I know of what you speak. My husband left me 1.5 years ago, and really wasn't the same as of 2 years ago . . . in reality hasn't been fully HIM in about a decade, but a major dosage increase totally highjacked what was left of him and he lost ALL access to his feelings for me, left me 11/2016 within weeks of the birth of our third baby. He's down on the meds considerably and see HIM returning, but it's slow going . . . ANYWAYS, what I wanted to say was that in this last year I have had to call him a few times late at night or in the middle of the night and it's been incredible to hear the TENDERNESS in his voice that isn't there when I wake him from a deep sleep. Or when I come home and he has fallen asleep on the couch (he's home with our kids when I go do yoga, etc., a few nights a week . . . ) when he first wakes up it's like he's THERE for a few moments in a way I rarely see when he's simply conscious. Cling to that. Cling to that knowledge that man you know and love is still in there, masked by the chemicals, fighting to get out. It's like their deep subconscious is revealed in those groggy/half awake moments, and it's a part of them the drugs haven't completely infiltrated. It's THEM. Just wanted to offer support and hugs to you. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. 

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hurtspouse

Thank you mermaid for your reply. It has reassured me that he’s on the right track. It’s just so sad because he was put on his pills when our daughter was 6 months old. She’s 7 and a half now. She has never known the real him. Although he is more affectionate towards her, it’s sporadic. On the rare occasion that he had shown me any sort of affection our daughter voices her shock that daddy might love mummy, because to her it’s unheard of.

 

It’s just criminal that these drugs are interfering in relationships and families all over the world. I wish there was a way I could help to spread awareness to prevent others going through something like this. I worry how the impact will affect my children’s future relationships. My eldest (18) thinks I’m a door mat and should have left him long ago. My youngest just wants both parents. It’s for this reason I’ve stayed. There is a part of me that worries that this is what it will always be like now..

 

sending hugs to you too and wishing you happiness.

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hurtspouse

It has been 3 years since my partner stopped his Paxil. He has admitted to me today that he still has hardly any emotions and believes that this is how he will remain for life. He is obviously distressed about this as he said it is not a life. I didn’t know what to say. He hasn’t come near me in over 6 months. Doesn’t talk to me. No affection whatsoever. We are both living separate lives under the same roof. This is awful.

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Mermaid17

Hurtspouse let me start by saying I'm praying for you guys. Your whole family. You have been through hell. Has he had windows where he was better, but it's been a while since you've seen one? Did he stop CT? That he's distressed is itself better than not caring that he doesn't feel. You posted not long ago that he can become affectionate in the night . . . Perhaps this is a particularly brutal wave? I am so, so sorry. I lived with a gradation of that for the better part of a decade. My husband still isn't home, but I see more of HIM each passing month. I know that hell of living with someone's ghost. A shell. You long for him. Can he try anything in terms of supplements? Someone on FB keeps talking about passionflower being a complete godsend as he recovered. 

Hugs. 

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hurtspouse

Hello mermaid. Thank you for the advice and prayers. It’s so nice to have a place to come where people understand what I’m going through and the reason why. When you mentioned living with the ghost of someone I loved, a shell: that sums it up perfectly. He looks like the man I fell in love with. But now he’s not a very nice person at all, and not just to me. He will get what he can from people be it money or a confidence boost etc, and then he’ll just discard them too! The last time I saw him in a good window was over a year ago. Our little girl is growing quickly and I’m the lucky one who has been loving and cherishing her, making lovely memories together. While he’s been doing his own thing. It is so very sad. 

 

He didnt CT but he rapidly tapered from 20mg to 0 in three months. I was still hoping that he’d have his feelings for us all back by now despite this. He has tried loads of supplements at my request but he doesn’t feel that anything helps much, and often gets angry at me for suggesting a new supplement. He keeps saying ‘give me time’ but time goes so quickly, he’s missing out on his only child’s upbringing. I feel so sad for her, for him, for us all. 

 

Im so pleased to read that you are seeing more and more of your husband return. It is encouraging. Did he take Passion flower or any other supplements to help him? 

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Mermaid17

To my knowledge he hasn't taken any supplements, but then again he has been telling me one thing and doing another this entire time. He insisted he wouldn't go down on the meds then he did . . . He went from 20 to 10, then 10 to 5 in about 3 months, and as far as I know is still on 5 mg . . . I've suggested supplements, especially when he felt like CRAP the last few months, but it aggravated him. It's like admitting the drugs have done ANYTHING to harm him means he'd have to admit they've taken his feelings, and he can't accept that still. He felt crappy enough to see a PCP, and he NEVER complains or wants to see docs. He hasn't lost feelings for the kids, thank GOD, though he cannot empathize with them for what his leaving our home has done to them. 

 

Your husband acknowledges the drugs have done all this, right? That's amazing. There is research being done at the University of Pittsburgh that shows how often severe depression is caused by underlying metabolic issues. Perhaps he'd be willing to get a thorough workup done??? 
http://www.pittmed.health.pitt.edu/story/cut

Often people are given massive doses of vitamins or minerals and they are RESTORED. 

 

Keep making your memories. Keep praying. Hold him in your heart. 

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