hannahG: Scared and confused

[hannahG]

My medication history is complicated and in all honesty my memory isnt working all that well. I cant really remember a lot of my medication journey which is a scary thing to admit.
Ill do my best to summarise. I started taking diazepam in 2013 i believe. I took it for the sudden onset of panic attacks. To begin with I only used my medication sparingly (and always, always as prescribed). I was seeing a psychiatrist at the time who was trying to help me find an antidepressant to help, however after trying almost all of them, i found nothing worked. At this point my Pdoc agreed it might be wise to take a small dose of clonazepam daily while doing CBT in order to allow me to do the work which would ultimately help me heal. Unfortunately CBT never did help and i remained on a daily dose of clonazepam for about two years. After deciding my clonazepam still wasnt working well enough to help my GAD and panic, i decided to try an antidepressant again. This time i chose escitalopram. I took 10mg and it worked after the first dose. Not many people believe me when i say that, but after trying nearly every other AD available and having absolutely no success, i know it was no placebo effect. I took 10mg for about two months, and i felt pretty good but unfortunately i also felt pretty numb. I decided to quit taking it. I cant remember if i tapered. But i will say i had no issues coming off. I found myself exactly where i left off before starting it. About six months later, i decided to try escitalopram again at a lower dosage, given i was still no better in terms of managing my anxiety. It took longer to work this time around, and in actual fact i wasnt even convinced it DID work the entire next year i was on it (more on that later), but nonetheless i continued to take it. I changed dose almost every week for about three months trying to figure out what dose would be best. I would try 2.5mg one week, 7.5mg the next, 5mg the following. And so on. Eventually i settled on 5mg and remained on that dose for a year. 

During this year i slowly tapered off my benzodiazapine by cross tapering from cloanzepam to diazepam and then doing a daily microtaper off. I took my final dose of diazepam on the 18th August this year (2017). It was one week later that i decided to quit my 5mg escitalopram cold turkey. I thought i was on a low dose, and i wanted to be off all medication. I wasnt even convinced it ever worked so i thought it would be no big deal.

 

I did okay for  the first two months. For the most part I felt really wired. I couldnt stop moving, my thoughts wouldnt slow down. I felt hypomanic in a way.  My sleep was terrible, i would bolt awake straight after falling alseep and feel a strange terror and/or rage. I struggled TERRIBLY with restless legs too.  At month three is when things started to change. I started to feel really unlike myself. I started to feel disconnected from my surroundings. I would wake up and not know where i was. I started to feel like i couldnt recognize the people in my life i loved  the most. And i felt scared of them too. A couple of times out of desperation i took one off doses of my escitalopram only to feel better immediately, or at least by the next day. Im now in month 4 off both drugs and this last week has been the worst week of my life. I have fallen into a deep depression. I dont recognize my life. I dont recognize my house, my pets. Intellectually I know who they are and where i am but emotionally i feel scared of everyone and everything because its all foreign. It doesnt feel like my life. And yet at the same time I feel like im in some sort of time warp where ive travelled back 7  years in time. I'm having intrusive memories of 2010/2011. Not bad ones. Theyre mosly neutral in fact, but the fact that I emotionally feel like its 2010/11 is terrifying me. Its like i cant remember the last 7 years of my life.  And its not because i took medication for 7 years. I didnt. I started medication in 2013. I AM SO SCARED AND CONFUSED. 
Im pushing everyone i love away because im scared and i cant recognize them emotionally. My poor boyfriend. We have been together 6 years and i love him so dearly, but i dont rezognize him. He seems foreign and scary. I have had DP/DR  before but this is in a league of its own. Its like its my life, but my life 7 years ago. And im not numb either, which i usually have with DP/DR.  Im full of emotion. Ive been crying hysterically because i feel like ive lost my mind. Last week i couldnt take the pain anymore, and i took a 5mg dose of escitalopram. It seemed to fix everything the last few times i tried that tactic. And immediately so. I would usually feel better and immediately regret ever taking the dose and interrupting my withdrawal. But last week it didnt work. Today i had the worst day to date and again i desperately reached for my 5mg of escitalopram. It hasnt worked. Now im sitting here feeling everything i was feeling before i took it and now im even more "out of it" having taken the escitalopram. I know how dangerous it is to randomly take escitalopram here and there. I dont need a scolding. My poor brain is probably so kindled it doesnt know what to do. Im aware of the risks and that ive been playing with fire. It just shows how desperate ive got. 

 Im not sure this post will even make sense. I can barely string my sentences together. The time frames probably dont add up. Im not trying to deceive anyone with time frames for things, im just generally too out of it cognitively to figure it out. My memory is shot anyway.

But for the love of god im so scared of my symptoms and i need help desperately. My whole life is unraveling. I dont know who i am and nothing feels the same. I cant remember my life for the last 7 years and thats the worst part. Please can someone help me?? I dont know whats causing these symptoms. Not sure if its just "me" or if its escitalopram withdrawals or if its a horrible wave of my diazepam withdrawals. I thought at four months id be improving but instead im getting worse. much much worse. This cant be normal. 

Im wondering whether i should try and stabilize on my escitalopram and wait a few months before embarking on a 5% taper. I dont care how long it takes. i just need the pain im feeling now to stop. 

Please help

Edited December 31, 2017 by Shep
added username to title

[hannahG]

Also as much as i need advice on what to do, more than anything i just need someone to tell me this is normal. To help me understand the horrible time warp thing and why i seem to be getting worse as time goes on and not better. Has anyone felt exactly the symtoms i described? I just need some hope and some emotional support. This has been the worst week of my life and nothing has "happened" to me externally to cause any of this. Thats the worst part. My life is actually pretty good apart from the assault on my brain. 

[Gridley]

Hello, hannahG and welcome to SurvivingAntidepressants.  I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

 

Let me begin by saying that you are in withdrawal and that your symptoms are normal.  It is not "just you."  It would be very difficult to say that your symptoms are due to Escitalopram WD or Diazepam WD; likely it is a combination of both.  

PDF Monthly List of Dr Glenmullen's Symptoms to Print & PDF Monthly List BLANK to Print

 

I'm not clear from your post whether you're still taking 5 mg Escitalopram and with what regularity you've been taking it.  We ask all of our members to fill out a drug  signature so that all of your information can be read at a glance.  This helps moderators determine your current situation and we would ask that you follow the instructions at the link below.

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature

 

 •    Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses.
 •    A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs. 
 •    Any drugs prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years.
 •    Please use actual dates or approximate dates (mid-June, Late October) rather than relative time frames (last week, 3 months ago)
 •    Spell out months, e.g. "October" or "Oct."; 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as Jan. 9, 2016 or Sept. 1, 2016.

 

 Once you've filled this out, we can make suggestions about reinstating a low dose of Escitalopram.  At this time, reinstatement of a very small dose of the original drug is the only known way to help alleviate withdrawal syndrome.  The only other alternative is to try and wait out the symptoms and manage as best you can until your central nervous system returns to homeostasis.  Unfortunately no one can give you an exact timeline as to when you will start feeling better and while some do recover relatively easily, for others it can take longer.  It is best to start low and titrate up only if necessary to help alleviate withdrawal symptoms and the lower the better.   

To get you started, and familiarized with the protocols followed by SA, I am linking a few topics so that you have a better understanding of what is recommended here. 

 

What is Withdrawal Syndrome?
Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

 

[Kristine]

Hi Hanna and welcome to SA. You have found a soft place to land. Your story made perfect sense to me and you write very well.  Many members, including me, will relate to your story. These medications are powerful and have had devastating effects on many.  I am so sorry you are suffering threw this mess...you are not alone. K.

[hannahG]

Thankyou both. This whole experience is nothing short of hell. I had no idea what i was in for when i set out my medication journey on and subsequently off. 
I have just created a signature. 

As you can see I stopped taking my escitalopram in August, however i have taken several one off "rescue doses" out of desperation. Yesterday I took a rescue dose of 5mg escitalopram because i was at a loss for what to do. I dont know if i feel any better today. Probably slightly so. But my question now is, do I try and reinstate a dose? and if so what dose? It has technically been 4 months since i came off my consistent dose of 5mg and from what i have read it is very late for resintatement. I have also probably kindled myself with all the rescue doses i have taken. What would everyone advise me to do? In all honesty it could be my diazepam withdrawals making me feel worse too. How am i to know whats causing what?

Im really worried about my mental state. Is it normal to be worse at 4 months out? Im afraid this is just who i am now. 

[LexAnger]

My God, Hannah, I'm so sorry for the horror these drugs caused to you! 

Just wnat to let you know that you are not alone,  these are the damage from these very dangerous drugs. You will eventually recover giving time -- can be months or years unfortunately ( check out the susceptible stories by clicking forum from the front page of SA). Many of us had horrible experience either similar to or different from yours but they healed.

[LexAnger]

Oh, just saw your new post. No is not you, it's the drug. I tapered for 5 years and been off for 3 months still in severe status. 4 months is early in terms of withdraw of thes poisons. 

 

 

[hannahG]

Wow LexAnger. You have done well to get to this point. That cant have been easy. Are you left with mostly mental/emotional symptoms now or are you having more physical ones too?

Do we heal as we taper? or is the healing only beginning once the medication is out of our systems?

Im not sure what to do today; whether i should reinstate? Shall i post this question on the relevant forum?  Just not sure as so much of whats relevant is already in this thread

 

[Kristine]

Hi Hanna, just letting you know that one of the moderators will reply to give you advise regarding the next step forward.  In the meantime, I would advise, just browsing through Sa and getting familiar with how it works. When I first joined (less than a month ago) I was a little overwhelmed with all the information available.  The moderators will guide you to the information which will help you the most. One day at a time....lovely to meet you ☺️ K

[Downbutnotout]

I hope you can feel better soon. I’ve played around with dosages too. I am on barely nothing, and am not exactly secure on what I”m doing either. It would be nice if there were actual doctors out there who we could trust. Hang in there. 

[Downbutnotout]

42 minutes ago, LexAnger said:

Oh, just saw your new post. No is not you, it's the drug. I tapered for 5 years and been off for 3 months still in severe status. 4 months is early in terms of withdraw of thes poisons. 

 

 

You’ve been tapering for 5 years, and are still having what kind of problems? Have you had windows along the way? 

[Gridley]

Don't do anything yet.  We will advise you.

[LexAnger]

It has been a hellish journey I have to say, but my situation is quite unique with multiple updose causing severe drug reaction to the mix of withdrawal. I can't provide sure advise unfortunately giving my own very special experience as most others call it. What I read from many here about lexapro updose experience ( with exception though as everyone is different) is that it's a very tricky and true trial and error thing. I used to have physical symptoms only from withdrawal until drug reaction bringing up severe and tons mental dysfunctions. Before you hear from mods, the general advise is to reinstate ( if that's the decision) a very low dose ( much much less than 5 mg, as this drug is very very powerful especially to those whose CNS is destabilized by withdrawal, which also may prevent severe reaction which is highly likely for some) if the withdrawal is absolutely unbearable. Jumping around doses or worse on and off is the worst approach as it can destabilize the brain more. I'm not familiar with other drugs you have been taking. Personally I hope you don't ahve to deal with lexapro anymore as you stopped it a year or so ago only couple single doses lately.

 

I believe the brain heals over tapering too (why tapering is recommended ) not only after being off, giving that no major drug reaction or toxicity. 

[hannahG]

LexAnger, 

I have only been off Lex/Escitalopram 4 months, not one year
Will wait for advise on what to do from here. Thanks everyone so far for stopping by. In the meantime i will explore SA a bit more.

[LexAnger]

7 minutes ago, Downbutnotout said:

You’ve been tapering for 5 years, and are still having what kind of problems? Have you had windows along the way? 

Yes, it's not uncommon for long term users to continue experiencing symptoms after such a long taper. My symptoms from reaction are getting less severe or frequent, but WD symptoms are getting more or unchanged. List of sxs are given in my thread, 

 

[LexAnger]

1 minute ago, hannahG said:

LexAnger, 

I have only been off Lex/Escitalopram 4 months, not one year
Will wait for advise on what to do from here. Thanks everyone so far for stopping by. In the meantime i will explore SA a bit more.

Oh, I see. My overlook.

 

lets see what the mods will say.

 

 

[Downbutnotout]

7 minutes ago, LexAnger said:

Oh, I see. My overlook.

 

lets see what the mods will say.

 

 

 

9 minutes ago, LexAnger said:

Yes, it's not uncommon for long term users to continue experiencing symptoms after such a long taper. My symptoms from reaction are getting less severe or frequent, but WD symptoms are getting more or unchanged. List of sxs are given in my thread, 

 

Are you convinced you’re better off without the meds? Suffering for 5 years seems like a jail sentence. Of course, I’m looking at my own situation where I’ve been so miserable for 6 months. The thought that this isn’t going to really improve makes me feel pretty desolate. Unfortunately, I didn’t taper. I am currently reinstating. There was a point when I felt good about my life. This lousy feeling is relatively new. How big were your windows? 

[LexAnger]

1 minute ago, Downbutnotout said:

 

Are you convinced you’re better off without the meds? Suffering for 5 years seems like a jail sentence. Of course, I’m looking at my own situation where I’ve been so miserable for 6 months. The thought that this isn’t going to really improve makes me feel pretty desolate. Unfortunately, I didn’t taper. I am currently reinstating. 

Yes. I'm so determined to be off the poison regardless. I can't take any of these drugs anyway as the reaction is not possible to live with. As I mentioned, not everyone would have similar situation, my journey was complicated and extended greatly by reaction to updose. As a matter of fact, I had to fast taper to get off even my original plan was to do a 7 yrs micro taper.

[Downbutnotout]

1 minute ago, LexAnger said:

Yes. I'm so determined to be off the poison regardless. I can't take any of these drugs anyway as the reaction is not possible to live with. As I mentioned, not everyone would have similar situation, my journey was complicated and extended greatly by reaction to updose. As a matter of fact, I had to fast taper to get off even my original plan was to do a 7 yrs micro taper.

Oh, okay. You sound like you have a great deal of determination. I don’t know where I’m going to get the courage from, but I am trying to find it. As you can see, I messed around with these horrible medicines for the last 6 months due to my psychiatrist who was anxious to make me feel better. 

[nz11]

Welcome Hannah,

I'm so glad you have found sa. but sorry its under such circumstances.

I'm also so sorry you are in this dreadful situation.

You have articulated the unfolding wdl horror show so well. Don't worry we all get it. You have bought back memories for me that I was starting to forget.

This portion really reminded me of it :

13 hours ago, hannahG said:

I did okay for  the first two months. For the most part I felt really wired. I couldnt stop moving, my thoughts wouldnt slow down. I felt hypomanic in a way.  My sleep was terrible, i would bolt awake straight after falling alseep and feel a strange terror and/or rage. I struggled TERRIBLY with restless legs too.  At month three is when things started to change. I started to feel really unlike myself. I started to feel disconnected from my surroundings. I would wake up and not know where i was. I started to feel like i couldnt recognize the people in my life i loved  the most. And i felt scared of them too

 

Its gut wrenching every time I read of another persons plight especially a fellow kiwis. Its truly tragic what is happening to people in nz due to doctors pushing brain altering and life altering drugs,  that aren't fit for purpose.

 

Please feel free to make yourself  known in the 'NZ member check in here' thread.

Please consider writing a complaint letter to CARM and the NZ medical council and even consider a complaint against your doctor to the HDC. Change doctors first and then make the complaint.

 

You may not be aware of this but the wdl problems are often delayed two to three months is uncannily common. Hypomania is also common and is in and of itself a wdl symptom often the first. 

 

 Tried various doses over from August 2017- December 2017, settled on 5mg

I'm sorry I'm a little confused does this mean you basically averaged 5mg for the period Aug 17 to dec 17.

But then you say you have been off it for 4months? 

 

I can understand the desperation leading to 'rescue doses' however its not wise to take these randomly.

 

I think you have to decide that either you choose suffering and hold drug free, packing your survival toolbox with nondrug coping strategies with the knowledge taht things will get better in time or you decide to ri and hold on that particular dose daily until stable. Its either one or the other. A ri often leads to updosing and comes with no guarantees.

The difficulty here is, as you say,  you are no doubt  suffering benzo and ad wdl .

 

Do you find any relief of symptoms when you take the 5mg of escit ?

imo if you choose to hold drug free it will not be easy and it may take many many months for things to settle down. But it will get better with time. We might be talking months or years. 

Good luck with your decisions. Hopefully the mods will come in with some suggestions soon.

Wishing you stability.

Please do consider writing to CARM regarding these wdl issues in fact just copy and paste your first post into a letter and send it to them ...they need to hear of this.

oh yeah are you able to get the book from the library 'anatomy of an epidemic' by R Whitaker. Its well worth reading.

nz11

 

 

 

[nz11]

59 minutes ago, Downbutnotout said:

Are you convinced you’re better off without the meds?

!!?!

No one here needs convincing. We know it to be true. Research also confirms it to be so. 

 

[hannahG]

31 minutes ago, nz11 said:

Welcome Hannah,

I'm so glad you have found sa. but sorry its under such circumstances.

I'm also so sorry you are in this dreadful situation.

You have articulated the unfolding wdl horror show so well. Don't worry we all get it. You have bought back memories for me that I was starting to forget.

 

 

Its gut wrenching every time I read of another persons plight especially a fellow kiwis. Its truly tragic what is happening to people in nz due to doctors pushing brain altering and life altering drugs,  that aren't fit for purpose.

 

Please feel free to make yourself  known in the 'NZ member check in here' thread.

Please consider writing a complaint letter to CARM and the NZ medical council and even consider a complaint against your doctor to the HDC. Change doctors first and then make the complaint.

 

Thank you for welcoming me to the board. Im surprised to see another kiwi here - maybe i shouldnt be-  but in all honesty i think id convinced myself i was totally alone in my struggles here. I had only ever read stories from the US and UK. For my own comfort and reassurance, its nice to know im not alone. I will certainly look up the NZ thread. I would like to write a complaint letter. Unfortunately I think i did a lot of the damage myself by updosing and down dosing a lot with escitalopram. My doctor was not supportive of my struggles to begin with so I ended up taking medication into my own hands in attempt to feel better. I will think about it though. In saying that, my doctor is certainly not without blame. That is a whole other story though.

 

31 minutes ago, nz11 said:

You may not be aware of this but the wdl problems are often delayed two to three months is uncannily common. Hypomania is also common and is in and of itself a wdl symptom often the first. 

 

No, i didnt know this. Are you referring to benzos or AD when you say they can be deylayed? My hypomania set in pretty much straight away. It has improved a lot now, and because it started to disappear I sort of became convinced that the symptoms i have now  [ deep depression. not recognizing my life, the feeling of emotionally time travelling, being afraid of the people i love - even their faces looking menacing etc ] are just who i am now. I can barely remember my life before medication which makes discriminating between withdrawals and my true self even more challenging. But perhaps I am still suffering withdrawals? Sometimes when i tell myself its just withdrawals i feel as if im just arguing with the reality of who I am and looking for excuses. Looking for an easy way out instead of facing the truth of who i apparently am.

 

31 minutes ago, nz11 said:

Tried various doses over from August 2017- December 2017, settled on 5mg

I'm sorry I'm a little confused does this mean you basically averaged 5mg for the period Aug 17 to dec 17.

But then you say you have been off it for 4months?

 

Ah Whoops, thats embarrassing and idicative of my cog fog. My signature ought to have read " Tried various doses from August 2016 - December 2016, settled on 5mg" I have amended my signature.

 

31 minutes ago, nz11 said:

The difficulty here is, as you say,  you are no doubt  suffering benzo and ad wdl .

 

Do you find any relief of symptoms when you take the 5mg of escit ?

imo if you choose to hold drug free it will not be easy and it may take many many months for things to settle down. But it will get better with time. We might be talking months or years. 

Good luck with your decisions. Hopefully the mods will come in with some suggestions soon.

I hope this is withdrawals. I really do. I dont want this to be who I am. But to answer to answer your question. Yes i do find relief when I take 5mg. Not as great as i used to when taking rescue doses. But it seems to help a little still. Part of me is worried that i only feel better again when i take it because im depressed and its simply working as it should, and that it has nothing to do with withdrawals. This is an upsetting idea to me because again it would indicate that my symptoms are just ME and not withdrawal.  I will continue to wait for a mod to chime in.

Thank you again nz11. You have shared some invaluable information here and im grateful.

[nz11]

You're welcome.

Actually from memory I think there are about 9 kiwi members here. And I am happy to tell you that 2 of them are moderators. Per head of population NZ is  right up there.

 

Many people when they come off these drugs report never feeling so great in all their lives. This is a form of hypomania. Several months later there is a massive emotional and psychological crash. This is the manifestation of further wdl symptoms not as the doctors are saying 'relapse' . The wdl mimics every distress in the doctors manual including anxiety and depression and when people have to describe the wdl horror these are two words that are used. Unfortunately they are words that doctors then use against people to justify redrugging and labelling. Wdl is dismissed and unacknowledged. 

 

I'm telling you, this is not who you are this is the drug withdrawal!

Its very important that you see this for yourself and have an inner conviction that it is so. If not you will be at the mercy of well meaning but dangerously ignorant voices. 

Sadly for some people the wdl can go on for years.  But it will ease up with time.

This site is full of thousands of people trying to get off these dangerous chemicals and trying to cope with wdl symptoms. So you are not alone.

 

I have never taken a benzo, they were offered but I refused them. So I'm talking about ad wdl my understanding though is benzo wdl is similar. 

Hopefully a moderator can talk to you about benzo wdl.  Shep is familiar with this.

 

So from what I'm reading apart from the 1 or two rescue doses you have been drug free since august 2017.

Look only you know the amount of suffering you can accept.

When people understand this is wdl and not any flawed cognitive crosswiring and understand that the only chemical imbalance that existed was the one put there by the doctor then they can find further strength to survive and endure with the knowledge that it will get better with time.

The wdl symptoms come in windows and waves.

If it were me I would decide to stay the course drug free. 

There is a mountain of informative truth on this site. It is well worth your while to spend time reading it. Become as informed as you can. The journal articles section is excellent and the symptoms and self care one is worth spending time in. 

nz11

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Hellbutrin]

2 hours ago, nz11 said:

 

 

You may not be aware of this but the wdl problems are often delayed two to three months is uncannily common. Hypomania is also common and is in and of itself a wdl symptom often the first. 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi nz11,

 

Is there information on why we get a return of acute symptoms around 3 months after we initially withdraw?

[nz11]

Go to the best of sa and read the latest post

quoted from rhia

[Gridley]

hannahG,

 

This is the right place for your questions and updates.

 

If you want to reinstate, try a very small dose (in case of hypersensitivity).  If that helps but isn't enough, increase. If it doesn't help or makes symptoms worse, stop immediately.  Because Escitalopram is one of the stronger antidepressants on the market, my suggestion would be 1mg to start and to go up slowly.  I would not recommend going back up to 5 mg, as your brain has adapted in the four months you've been off the drug, and 5 mg could be counterproductive.

 

As I wrote earlier, the only alternative to reinstatement is to try and wait out the symptoms and manage as best you can until your central nervous system returns to homeostasis.   No one can give you an exact timeline as to when you will start feeling better and while some do recover relatively easily, for others it can take longer.

 

Ultimately the decision is yours.

 

Whichever course you choose to take, here is a link that should be helpful in dealing with withdrawal:

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms 

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Please research all supplements first and only add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

 

 

Edited December 31, 2017 by Gridley

[Hellbutrin]

14 hours ago, nz11 said:

Go to the best of sa and read the latest post

quoted from rhia

Hi nz11,

 

I'm having difficulty finding the quote from Rhia that you are talking about. Is her screen name Rhia?  Can you send me the link to the excerpt that you're talking about. Thanks!

[hannahG]

TRIGGER WARNING: SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTER - SUICIDE

well, i decided to reinstate. This is day 1 of reinstatement and I do feel somewhat better. I wonder if it will take a few days before my system normalizes a little bit more. I still feel so far from normal.  And my guess is that I wont ever feel 100%  normal on it after reinstatement, but ill take anything over how I felt a few days ago. I feel a bit of a failure for reinstating at four months. But i couldn't go on any longer how I was. From what I understand I am still going through benzo withdrawal too. And last night things got so bad that i really started considering taking my life. I couldnt find the strength to go on without trying to reinstate. Its just.. everyone in my life i love started looking menacing to me. Like they weren't safe. I couldnt connect with my surroundings or the people in it. I felt like I had slipped into another dimension. And isnt classic DP/DR but something much worse. Words fail to describe how unwell i was/am.This morning I woke up paranoid that I was going to have a psychotic break down and harm someone. I absolutely had no urge to hurt anyone and never have in my entire life, but I couldnt shake the terror surrounding the thought that I might. I have suffered from depression and anxiety before I took the medication but the way i have started to feel is not normal depression and anxiety, and i couldnt handle myself.

My question is..is it normal i feel nauseous after reinstating? And really out of it and a bit hyper?

Also, once (and if) i do stabilize after reinstatement, how long should I wait before tapering off? A few months? And regarding time frame, I am in absolutely no rush to get right off. If it is safer to taper off over years then so be it. I was looking at maybe tapering 10% every 4 months seeing as it took 4 months for my symptoms  to get really bad after my CT in August 2017. I want to be able to gauge how my taper is affecting me before going down another 10%. But I want to know if there is also harm in tapering this slow?

Thanks for everyone's help so far.

 

[LexAnger]

Fingers crossed for the IR to work out for you!

 

what did you reinstate and at what dose?

[hannahG]

5mg of lexapro. I know that goes against the advice ive had here. But i accept the risks.  Among the other questions i asked above i guess i just want to know how long it will take to work (given it ever does)

 

[hannahG]

Im sacred reinstating wont help me?? What then?? I feel like ive truly gone crazy and im so stuck in my head its unreal

 

[LexAnger]

I know how you feel.

i doubt anyone can answer your question. Can only pray for you! 

[nz11]

You are going to be okay Hannah 

Well done on making a decision in what is clearly a most difficult time.

As Lex says we are wishing this goes well for you. 

Many people can take several months to stabilize after a ri.   But you have already said that day 1 you feel somewhat better. That's a great sign.

Don't be hard on yourself about ri you have to do what you have to do. Don't feel a failure about this, the only failure here is your doctor.

   

 

[RachelSusan]

Hello Hannah G,

 

Nice to meet you even under these horrible circumstances.  I want to assure you that you haven't done anything to feel guilty about by reinstating. I too reinstated and also up-dosed a few times.  You are doing what is right for you. Good for for taking care of yourself. Right now all that matters is getting you stable and you having a better quality of life.

 

You asked how long you should wait before you start to taper?  My suggestion would be wait until you are stable, then wait more time, then ask a moderator, and then wait again.  I'm not tying to be silly or cute here.  I suggest this because I believe the more time you have under your belt at one dose the better it will be when you do start to taper.  So I guess I am saying that right now it might be better if you can avoid thinking about when you should taper. That would be one less thing to worry about, wouldn't it?

 

I know you are frighted about the reinstatement not working.  It worked for me. I believe it will work for you.  The problem is that because we are in so much agony we want to have results as quickly as possible, I know I did.  But for me the results came slowly, but they did come. Hang in there, I am cheering you on.  I want you to get relief.

 

If you think about harming yourself, or someone else I ask that you reach out to someone in real life, or even call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.  I know it's difficult because people aren't necessarily sympathetic to the idea of withdrawal, but you might have to reach out anyway.  I want to keep you safe.

 

In the mean time know that I care, that others here care and that I think you will get relief.

 

Rachel

[JS11]

 Hannah G. 

 

I just wanted to say hello and welcome.  I'm so very sorry you are suffering.  

 

There are such lovely, supportive and knowledgeable people here.  You are definitely in the right place.  

 

I am relatively new to this site and am tapering off Escitalopram as well.  I was off this medication briefly, re-instated and then was all over the place dosage wise, trying to find a way to get the symptoms to go away.  They can be so very scary and it is so easy for me to lose perspective when I am in the middle of it all.  People here have gently guided me in the right direction when I just can't seem to find the way.  

 

Again, I'm glad you are here.  The worst part for me was feeling all alone with all of this.  I am reaching out to people, albeit slowly, as that is still hard for me.  Every one has been so very kind.  I know you will find that as well.

 

take care and it is lovely to "meet" you.

JS11

[ultimatumprisoncell]

@hannahG

 

Welcome to the site. As said by many senior members above, this is WITHDRAWAL.

As for mention of whether to the AD, the BZDs or both, I can't say from experience.

I can safely assume - from my own experiences and those documented in these forums - the AD are more than likely playing the larger role.

I've had prescriptions for BZDs for 20+ years. They've been prescribed mostly as PRN meds mostly, and that's how I've generally taken them. Sometimes 3 times a day if needed, though generally no more than once a day. And not daily. Sometimes I take them daily for months at a time. Sometimes I'll go essentially a months to a year without taking a single one... with the exception of dental appointments. 

BZD's have a nasty history of addiction and misuse. Even people taking them short term and at low doses can rapidly develop dependency issues and find it difficult to withdraw. I'm fortunate that this scenario has never been one I've had to battle. I'm not at all downplaying the potential risks and dangers, nor am I in any way advocating the use of BZD's at all. There is just unfortunately more medically documented history of treatment with BZDs (as they've been in use far longer than the common SRI meds of today), resulting in a plethora of valid medical studies explicitly and ACCURATELY available to physicians today. Info that I'm pretty sure is a necessary part of any medical school training. 

Sadly, this is not true for the SRI meds. I've suffered countless unnecessary battles because of trying to get off of them. In the early days it was often a completely uneducated decision made because paying my rent or feeding my children was more important than the pills I couldn't afford.

The warning signs of potential for difficulty getting off of these meds were, in at least a couple of clinical trials conducted prior to their FDA approval, intentionally and criminally excluded from those trial results submitted for drug approval and patenting. There have been $$$billions of FELONY criminal fines paid out by Big Pharma as a result of this. These CRIMINAL actions and the outcome is accessible through public court record access on the internet for anyone who wishes to read about it.

Sadder still, fines were paid. But (at least in my knowledge) that was that. So, major corporations with billions to spare, had to grab a handful of change out of their financial buckets. But nothing else was done. Money and fines (paid to courts or government entities) didn't fix this horrible problem afflicting people worldwide. Nor could it. 

You are not alone. It saddens me to see so many sufferers. Many of them not understanding why they are experiencing this. The reality of it is because the horrible lack of education and training that every physician, police officer, fireman, paramedic etc. SHOULD be required to receive on AD and their many associated WD symptoms. 

Especially in light of the complete lack of understanding, commission, and often worsening of the situation by encouraging or forcing of MORE Psych meds to treat a nonexistent condition misinterpreted as manifestations of a hundred other things.

These forums have been beneficial to me. These are (likely the only or near to) people who can truly relate to and validate what you are experiencing. 

There are links to very crucial and credible journal studies, and plenty of other info that are worth reading. I recommend if you haven't already discussed all of this with your treating physician(s) that you perhaps print some of these out - more specifically any pertaining more to what you specifically are experiencing. 

I've done this in the past, to get a rather odd look and basically been told it's "all in my head" or I must have a drug or alcohol problem that is interfering. My last psychiatrist was convinced and actually diagnosed me as an alcoholic for admitting I'd had the occasional glass of wine or cocktail at a nice dinner or other social occasion. He was hardly the first clueless psychiatrist I'd ever seen. But he was certainly the last. I now have to rely on my primary care provider. He is clueless on the whole AD withdrawal thing. But he actually listens to me. He spends all the time I need in his office talking, which in today's medical world is nearly unheard of. And he trusts and allows me to make medical decisions with him as a team. He is now the only support system I have outside these forums - Aside from the one single friend I've left that doesn't judge me and isn't fed up with my "behavior" resulting from the WD. My behavior has been downright atrocious at times. I've done and said things that I NEVER WOULD HAVE if not for these meds or withdrawal. My histories with CT (in the past I simply didn't know better) and one recent one partway through a taper when I'd decided I'd "had enough" have brought me literally to my knees. Helpless, hopeless, bedridden... And the only real part of me THAT WAS ACTUALLY ME during those times was the 0.25% of my brain desperately trying to cling to space, time, and reality. Most of that failed miserably - buried under the other 99.75% that was consumed by an insane person I can barely recall and wish never existed.. It was the AD... Or lack of(I knew better this time. But going through WD made me do and say a lot of stupid things and I want thinking clearly at all). So my original plan was semi-reinstated.  I'm back to pre- CT functional status. But still very much experiencing every physical and otherwise symptom I've suffered through this nearly two years of tapering, switches to longer acting AD, then further tapering.

 

These meds have destroyed my life. For years. They continue to destroy my life as I'm weaning off of them. They have destroyed the relationship I had with my former fiancee, who I love dearly but will never see again

They robbed me of spending time with (or even getting to see) my children this Christmas

As evidenced above summarizing is NOT one of my strong points. Made a bit worse with the WD.

 

Hang in there. Cliche, I know,  but the most appropriate advice I have to offer. You have an amazing support system here in these forums!

Welcome, Best wishes and I look forward to your progress updates.

 

UPC