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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

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DaveB
5 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

On switching from one anti-depressant to another

 

I wrote a similar post to this one to another member today:

 

My two cents is that switching AD meds is dangerous.  That was my experience.  I have no medical training, but my horrible experience and my tenuous grasp of how these drugs work and how the brain copes with the switch of drugs tells me that switching to Lexapro or Celexa from Zoloft and vice versa would be a mistake, and that switching from any AD to anything other than Prozac would be a mistake.  I took Celexa for about 9 years and then switched to Zoloft without knowing that switch was dangerous.

 

So I was on Zoloft for 9 years, quit taking 50mgs CT as I didn't know any better. Went around the medicine merry go round and landed on Paxil before I realized it was the merry go round keeping me from stabilizing. So in your opinion am I not going to be able to "stabilize" to my Zoloft norm taking a different dug?

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Rosetta
15 minutes ago, DaveB said:

 

So I was on Zoloft for 9 years, quit taking 50mgs CT as I didn't know any better. Went around the medicine merry go round and landed on Paxil before I realized it was the merry go round keeping me from stabilizing. So in your opinion am I not going to be able to "stabilize" to my Zoloft norm taking a different dug?

 

Hi, Dave.  Not exactly.  My post is meant to caution people about the dangers of switching meds.  Of course, I wish your doctor had never switched you to Lexapro or Wellbutrin or Paxil.  In the simple matter that I experienced, the question seems to be which drug the brain needed to avoid upheaval. I needed Celexa, and Zoloft did not provide whatever my brain needed.  Your situation is different than mine was in 2011.  You have been on Paxil long enough to become dependent on Paxil.  I strongly suspect that's an important part of your brain function, but I'm not able to say that is so with any authority, of course.

 

Also, the doctor kept raising the dose of Zoloft because I kept feeling worse.  It's possible that if I had stabilized on a lower dose of Zoloft, eventually, I would have had a brain that could cope.  I think that's what the Mods might have said if I had arrived here in 2011 after more than 4 months off Celexa.  Instead, I went from 10mg of Zoloft to 150 mg.  The higher the dose the more likely and severe the side effects.  

 

One of the of the dangers of switching meds is being exposed to the ignorance of the doctor when you react badly to the switch. I suspect that raising the dose was malpractice.  I should have stabilized on a low dose and tapered off as you are doing.

 

You were on Paxil for quite a while after Zoloft.  If I understand the theory, and remember I may not, but if I do, after I was on Zoloft for more than a certain period of time I became dependent on Zoloft (who knows how long -- wouldn't it be nice if the researchers cared about us?!!).  My brain needed Zoloft after that dependence formed just as much as it needed Celexa in May of 2011.  That's the challenge when people arrive here at SA after their doctors have fried their brains with drug switches, in my opinion.  The reintroduction of Celexa might have been dangerous, and we know that if the Zoloft was taken away that would have induced withdrawal.  So, I would have been left with tapering Zoloft, and suffering through any ill effects that may or may not have remained from the CT of Celexa.  No use adding Celexa to the mix at this point and becoming dependent on a second AD especially if a bad reaction or serotonin syndrome might result from using the two together.

 

Dave, I became manic and had insomnia on the high dose of Zoloft, and I had a lot of side effects some of which overlap with WD symptoms.  If I had reported that to the p-doc he would have said "bi-polar" and put me on another drug.  That's what is so terrifying about trusting these doctors -- they don't know the difference between side effects, withdrawal symptoms and new or recurring mental illnesses.  It's a tragedy.

 

In a word, my post doesn't mean anything to you except that you have been the victim of malpractice.

 

Peace,

Rosetta

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DaveB
13 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

 

Hi, Dave.  Not exactly.  My post is meant to caution people about the dangers of switching meds.  Of course, I wish your doctor had never switched you to Lexapro or Wellbutrin or Paxil.  In the simple matter that I experienced, the question seems to be which drug the brain needed to avoid upheaval. I needed Celexa, and Zoloft did not provide whatever my brain needed.  Your situation is different than mine was in 2011.  You have been on Paxil long enough to become dependent on Paxil.  I strongly suspect that's an important part of your brain function, but I'm not able to say that is so with any authority, of course.

 

Also, the doctor kept raising the dose of Zoloft because I kept feeling worse.  It's possible that if I had stabilized on a lower dose of Zoloft, eventually, I would have had a brain that could cope.  I think that's what the Mods might have said if I had arrived here in 2011 after more than 4 months off Celexa.  Instead, I went from 10mg of Zoloft to 150 mg.  The higher the dose the more likely and severe the side effects.  

 

One of the of the dangers of switching meds is being exposed to the ignorance of the doctor when you react badly to the switch. I suspect that raising the dose was malpractice.  I should have stabilized on a low dose and tapered off as you are doing.

 

You were on Paxil for quite a while after Zoloft.  If I understand the theory, and remember I may not, but if I do, after I was on Zoloft for more than a certain period of time I became dependent on Zoloft (who knows how long -- wouldn't it be nice if the researchers cared about us?!!).  My brain needed Zoloft after that dependence formed just as much as it needed Celexa in May of 2011.  That's the challenge when people arrive here at SA after their doctors have fried their brains with drug switches, in my opinion.  The reintroduction of Celexa might have been dangerous, and we know that if the Zoloft was taken away that would have induced withdrawal.  So, I would have been left with tapering Zoloft, and suffering through any ill effects that may or may not have remained from the CT of Celexa.  No use adding Celexa to the mix at this point and becoming dependent on a second AD especially if a bad reaction or serotonin syndrome might result from using the two together.

 

Dave, I became manic and had insomnia on the high dose of Zoloft, and I had a lot of side effects some of which overlap with WD symptoms.  If I had reported that to the p-doc he would have said "bi-polar" and put me on another drug.  That's what is so terrifying about trusting these doctors -- they don't know the difference between side effects, withdrawal symptoms and new or recurring mental illnesses.  It's a tragedy.

 

In a word, my post doesn't mean anything to you except that you have been the victim of malpractice.

 

Peace,

Rosetta

 

Thank you for your thoughts and very clear opinions. I agree with you on all points, especially the malpractice!

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Rosetta
6 hours ago, DaveB said:

 

Thank you for your thoughts and very clear opinions. I agree with you on all points, especially the malpractice!

 

You are welcome, Dave.  You will be ok.  

 

Journal entry:

 

It was PMS that caused the insomnia, I believe.  Hopefully, it will not happen tonight.  Is that cryptic enough? Lol

 

Did not sleep well last night.  Had coffee this morning.  I've given up on the coffee taper for now.  Stayed up all day.

 

Woke up without a headache; no bruxism

Dystonia -- neck, jaw, chest, leg, toes, arm, hand

Tinnitus -- Ringing in the ears -- this has been happening once or twice a day for about a week.  I had this on Zoloft.

Some tingling in my nose and face

Random muscle spasms 

Demotivation

 

Headache is gone

Bruxism is gone

Appetite is better

Anxiety is low today

Stiff achy muscles

Achy joints -- knees and elbows

 

Went for a walk in the park

and walked my daughter home from school

 

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LexAnger

Hi Roseta, 

 

just read your thread and want to say hi and let you know you wrote beautifully!!

 

try not to beat yourself too hard trying to figure out all the miseries and possible mistakes/ causes as now you are free from all these poisons so try to only focus on healing. 

 

What These drugs cause to a human brain is too complex and way beyond humans capability to comprehense. I tapered for 5 years and suffered all the time during the super slow taper now off the drug for 4 months still in unbelievable torture. No one knows which way is better to handle tolerance WD.

 

reinforcing faith by reading success stories is my way of continuing fighting and surviving each day and hour.

 

fcusing on the current moment helps with unnecessary anxiety too. I know it's easy to say, I did the same beating myself day in and day out for 5 whole years and just started learning,  acceptance and mindfulness, patience and time like everyone says.

 

For whatever the reason we were put through this criminal ordeal, be kind to ourselves and try our best to help our body to heal, and we will all heal eventually!

 

 

lex

 

 

 

 

 

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Rosetta

Thanks for your post, Lex!

 

Another night of poor sleep last night.  This is something like PMDD judging by the timing except there is no "Pre" timing.  So, it's MDD.  This is not the way things used to happen.  I didn't have sleep problems before, and the emotions would turn off once the "Pre" time was over.  

 

I had warm milk this morning but haven't napped yet.  I'm anxious, a little weepy, and having some random emotions.  I'm feeling sad about everything.  I need to pull myself out of this by doing something.  I think I'll have my coffee and go outside and get some sunlight for a while.  

 

The dystonia is worse and was with me all night in my neck and chest.  I kept trying to stretch the muscles by getting into different positions in bed.  It's still there.  I'm going to have to stop typing on the iPad.  I'm concerned that I'm training my brain to continue sending the signals that perpetuate the dystonia.

 

I can't use the desktop without getting a new pair of glasses, and using the phone causes the same problems as the iPad.  So, this means I need to sharply curtail my time online.  That's hard.

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DaveB
9 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Thanks for your post, Lex!

 

Another night of poor sleep last night.  This is something like PMDD judging by the timing except there is no "Pre" timing.  So, it's MDD.  This is not the way things used to happen.  I didn't have sleep problems before, and the emotions would turn off once the "Pre" time was over.  

 

I had warm milk this morning but haven't napped yet.  I'm anxious, a little weepy, and having some random emotions.  I'm feeling sad about everything.  I need to pull myself out of this by doing something.  I think I'll have my coffee and go outside and get some sunlight for a while.  

 

The dystonia is worse and was with me all night in my neck and chest.  I kept trying to stretch the muscles by getting into different positions in bed.  It's still there.  I'm going to have to stop typing on the iPad.  I'm concerned that I'm training my brain to continue sending the signals that perpetuate the dystonia.

 

I can't use the desktop without getting a new pair of glasses, and using the phone causes the same problems as the iPad.  So, this means I need to sharply curtail my time online.  That's hard.

 

Sorry your sleep has been worse, it is just a phase, it will pass soon. You will feel better after your coffee and walk, I always feel better after a Dr Pepper (but maybe pay for it later? Jury is still out on this) and a bit of fresh air.

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Rosetta

Thanks, Dave.  You are so kind.

 

I went for a walk, and my husband went, too.  He thinks he sees a lot of improvement.  He actually sees that I'm climbing out and that the setbacks cause me to feel anxious, but he always sees an improvement overall after the setback.  It helps to hear that from the outside.

 

When we are together, we spend a lot of time talking about how to get our child through all that's going on in the world.  So, the walk wasn't relaxing, but then I had a hard cry afterward, and that always makes me feel better.  

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LexAnger

In case you haven't, I strongly recommend two books for you 

 

dr Claire weeks book,,hope and help for your nerves

beylissa Frederick , recover and renewal

 

best

lex

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Rosetta
14 hours ago, LexAnger said:

dr Claire weeks book,,hope and help for your nerves

beylissa Frederick , recover and renewal

 

Thank you, Lex!

 

I went for a walk with my daughter yesterday and we played follow the leader.  She wanted me to jump.  I tried, but I'm not strong enough for that.  Poor thing -- it makes no sense to her that I can't jump.

 

Last night was not good.  I didn't sleep well again, but I also had a spasm in my neck muscle that injured the muscle.  It's very sore.

 

I went to volunteer at the school today anyway.  It took my mind off the dull pain.  I did not have to be with the children today, and that was good because their energy when I feel this way is too much for me.  Now, I'm home with a heating pad.  I hope this wave is almost over.  I had a cortisol morning this morning.  I pushed through it.  I'm not as anxious as I've been in the past after cortisol mornings.  I can handle this.  Thank God for SA being here to tell me what is happening in my brain and body so that I can remind myself that the fear has no basis in reality.

 

I've been fighting off fearful thoughts for a couple of days now.  There was a high school shooting in Kentucky yesterday or the day before.  That was very upsetting to me.  I feel that it's not safe to be in public these days.  Each time there is a school shooting, I am reminded of the possibility that the SSRI issue is involved with the shootings.  I am also reminded of the the fact that a big part of the SSRI issue is denied and hidden.  Knowing what I know about these drugs and how they affect people who have bad reactions or who are in withdrawal but do not know that makes me anxious.  To calm myself I tell myself that I've never wanted to hurt anyone.  I have wished that terrible things would happen to people who were very cruel to me, but I never thought that I should be the one to cause harm to anyone.  So, it stands to reason that it's the very rare person who would do something to hurt someone because of SSRIs or WD from them.  That's how I try to deal with this fear.  

 

Nevertheless, I think I'll find a way to keep from sending my daughter to high school when the time comes.  I hope my husband will support this.  He doesn't agree with me about that subject right now.  We have a few years before we have to decide.

 

Symptoms:

Dystonia -- neck, chest, hand, arm, and fingers (slight in leg, foot and toes)

Dyskinesia -- (the arch of my right foot trembled for a little while this morning)

Muscle spasm -- bad one in neck causing injury

Pain

Difficulty sleeping

Intrusive thoughts

Frightening images in the night

Cortisol morning

Anxiety

Nausea?  It's not quite nausea, but worse than butterfly's in the stomach

 

Symptoms gone

Bruxism? -- I'm not sure that I've been having this lately.  It might be replaced by the dystonia right now.

 

 

 

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LexAnger

I'm so sorry you are still suffering from those many sxs! 

 

It will pass. Just keep the faith even it doesn't feel so. 

 

Those two books can help you greatly in coping and controllinh symptoms as a result especially the emotional types.

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Rosetta

Thanks, Lex.  It's really nice for you to care about me and post on my thread.

 

Here's my thought for the day:

 

What I like about SA is that all the theories of what is going wrong for us after we stop using an AD too fast are provided here.  Dysregulation of the CNS, destabilization of the glutamate system, and limbic kindling.  The theories make sense.  The theory of neuro-emotions is another link to check out.  The theories we see on SA explain what the doctors cannot explain or do not try to explain even to themselves.  The doctors operate on a theory of "differential diagnosis" just like on the show House.  Try this drug.  Did it work?  No.  Then try this one.  Did it work?  No, she got worse.  Then try this drug.  She is worse than ever before!! They are creating the perfect circumstances for Limbic Kindling!!  Of course we get worse under differential diagnosis!! We cannot use psych drugs this way!  It's disasterous!

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Rosetta

Time to reflect on some of my symptoms that are gone or have improved.

 

Last Oct and Sept and November, I had that feeling that everything was meaningless and that I cared about nothing -- that nothing had any point.  It scared me a lot.  I didn't want to feel that way because deep down I cared very much.  I remember feeling very lonely, too.  I thought I would never have friends again.  Now, I believe I will.

 

All the inflammation in my joints is reducing.  Some days are better than others.  Even if my joints hurt more one day they continue to get better over time.  For instance, I bumped my elbow this morning, and I expected a lot of pain.  There was none!  I couldn't believe it.  

 

My appetite comes and goes, but I'm not losing weight any longer.  My blood sugar is much more stable.  

 

I was able to follow a conversation I had with my husband this morning and even contribute ideas to the conversation.  I remembered where we parked the car.  

 

I can smile, I can laugh, and I can enjoy a hug.

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Gridley

Great update, Rosetta.  An encouragement to us all.

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DaveB
38 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

My blood sugar is much more stable.  

 

That is great, how do you know? Is there a way to test this from home? I have worried about my blood sugar since taking Zyprexa and wonder if some of my fluctuations have to do with blood sugar.

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Rosetta
43 minutes ago, DaveB said:

 

That is great, how do you know? Is there a way to test this from home? I have worried about my blood sugar since taking Zyprexa and wonder if some of my fluctuations have to do with blood sugar.

 

Dave,

 

Actually there is a way to test this at home, but I don't.  I had a diabetic cat (it was actually my second diabetic cat!).  He was 15 years old when he was diagnosed.  You can buy a blood glucose meter and test strips at Wal Mart for people and use them with cats.  I hate Wal Mart, but everything is cheaper there, and I was using a lot of strips.**

 

I can tell when my blood sugar is low.  I'm grumpy, irritable, and depressed.  If I think back I had not eaten or I had a pastry and coffee.  If I have an egg with my coffee I don't get that low.  The same thing happens when I have no appetite or if I'm too tired to eat dinner.  I sometimes wake up feeling worse than usual, remember that I had no dinner, and if I eat I feel better. I used to have to force down a cheese stick in the middle of the night.

 

** I think I accidentally killed my other diabetic cat with insulin because I didn't know I was supposed to test his blood.  He was hit by a car.  He was a stray that I took to the doctor.  He didn't want to live indoors, but I gave him food and insulin.  The vet didn't tell me anything about testing his blood.  All he told me was to give him a certain dose twice a day.  Apparently, a lot of vets do that.  Are you surprised?

 

So, with my 15 year old cat, I found a site very much like SA for diabetic cat owners.  I had to test my cat twice a day (at shot time) at first and then up to 4 times an hour.  I was testing his blood and reducing the insulin dose as the site instructed me to.  He had pancreatic cancer, and his need for insulin kept decreasing as the tumor grew, but I did not know that until he no longer needed insulin.  So, the timed-release insulin shots I gave him could have killed him if I didn't test him 4 times an hour at one point.  I thought he was cured until he started dying from the tumor.

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Rosetta
1 hour ago, Gridley said:

Great update, Rosetta.  An encouragement to us all.

 

Thanks, Gridley!

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Rosetta

Journal entry:

 

I slept ok last night.  This is very clearly linked to hormones as in that department things are wonky.  I had a 32 day interval this time with an interruption in the period today.  Thus the better sleep last night.  I also had much, much less dystonia last night, and I woke up with far less discomfort in my neck and chest.  My chest muscle feels softer even.  It's truly different.  This certainly gives me great hope that the dystonia and dyskinesia will clear completely someday.  I had been expecting a terrible night due to the muscle spasm night before last.  Now, I suspect the spasm occurred due to a chest muscle relaxing for the first time in ages.

 

Less dystonia today -- not much at all, Improved range of motion in neck!!!

Anhedonia -- off and on as usual

Less lack of appetite -- got hungry today

Demotivation --  as always, but I pushed through to drive to a park playdate 

Anxiety was high this morning, but low through the today -- for some reason I was panicked about finding clean, warm leggings for my daughter this morning and the anxiety spiraled into a general anxiety over the state of my (disaster of a) house and my failure to keep house (laundry, organization)

No cortisol spike upon awakening

Joint pain is mild

Muscle stiffness is medium (would be high for normal people)

No or very mild bruxism

Tinnitus -- on and off 

No headache

Mild tingling in face/nose when reading (dystonia of right eye muscles)

Frightening images when falling back asleep -- only one that I remember

Improved memory - remembering where car is parked

Imoroved cog function -- following conversation

No crying, only mild sadness

Better sleep -- could have slept late if not for responsibilities 

 

 

 

 

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degen12

Very good content and thoughtful posts. You are very good at articulating the challenges faced by those who are or have tapered after very long term SSRI use. I look forward to reading more.

 

"Mental aka". I don't know why I didn't think of that before!

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Rosetta
11 hours ago, degen12 said:

Mental aka". I don't know why I didn't think of that before!

 

Yes, it's horrendous isn't it?  I'm glad I'm still here after that.

 

Thank you for the compliment.  

 

I hope you are doing well.  You have been through a lot. I'm sorry that you have been treated with these drugs.  It's been an eye opening experience for me to have this condition and read about the different experiences of the people on this site.  

 

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Rosetta

Sleep as the key to recovery and to avoiding the worst symptoms?

 

The restorative sleep is key to recovery it seems to me.  I have been on a child's sleep schedule for years.  In the Summer when we were not careful about sleep I think I may have made a mistake with sleep "hygiene."  My kid's school was out in early June.  We had one week of day camp starting every 3 weeks in the Summer. During the two weeks in between the camp weeks, we lost our sleep schedule.  I started feeling really bad in July after quitting Zoloft in February.  It got worse and worse until November.  School started again in mid-August.  I did not feel much better until early December.

 

Being able to go bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every morning seems to be very important.  Having a "before sleep routine" is important, too.  Treating yourself like a child might help: No TV or screens at least an hour before bed, do the pre-sleep routine in the same order every night -- bathroom routine, PJs, then read a book, then listen to soothing music (the same music every night) as you fall asleep.  That what we do.  

 

I can't be sure that my sleep schedule disruption caused my most terrible WD symptoms, but it did correspond with the erratic sleep schedule, and it took me over 3 months of trying to get back on track with sleep in order to feel better.

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Rosetta

Does general anesthesia cause depression or anxiety?

 

I've been "depressed" and "anxious" since 1979, but I did have general anesthesia that year.  I was 10 years old when I became anxious and depressed.  I was not treated.  I did well from 1985 to 1988. I had general anesthesia again in 1988.  Maybe GA had something to do with my problems.

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Rosetta

Annnndd . . . my filling just fell right out of my tooth!!!  I've been trying to get up the courage to see the dentist!!

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Kristine

Hey Rosetta,  I've finally popped by your thread!  You have been through so many challenges and I admire your insight and ability to express your feelings and experiences in such a profoud and articulate manner. Respect lovely lady!  K 🌻

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Rosetta
1 hour ago, Kristine said:

Hey Rosetta,  I've finally popped by your thread!  You have been through so many challenges and I admire your insight and ability to express your feelings and experiences in such a profoud and articulate manner. Respect lovely lady!  K 🌻

 

Thank you, Kristine.   This was an unexpected challenge, but maybe all challenges, even those we anticipate, are much different than we expected them to be.

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Rosetta

I'm struggling.

 

Its anxiety.  This morning I really feel bad.  I had cortisol all night it seemed.  It started before light.  Every time I woke up I was anxious.  I found brown spots on my daughters baby teeth -- two of her molars -- yesterday.  I had hoped that all the teeth brushing we have done would prevent cavities, but we didn't do a good enough job.  Every time I woke up, I felt upset about that.  It was like having a nightmare over and over again, and waking up to find it is true.  I'm trying to tell myself that it's not the worst thing to happen, and they are baby teeth.  She will have them until she is 12, so we will have to have them filled.  

 

I had hoped to spare her that as it has been something I have had all my life. I don't have a single adult molar that is not filled or crowned.  I was never forced to brush my teeth as a kid.  No one cared enough.

 

That's probably what hurts -- that no one cared enough.  I'm trying to tell myself that if they didn't care enough about me, then I still deserve to have the only person who matters care -- me.  This is the crux of the depression that made me take medicine -- that I was always an afterthought to my family.  I have to remember that my daughter will never feel that way, and I must take care of myself in order to be able to take care of her.  I have to care enough about myself.

 

I was anxious in front of my daughter this morning, and that made her anxious.  I had to explain to her that it's just the injury from the medicine making me more anxious than I should be, and that everything is ok.  There's nothing to be afraid of.  We are fine.  I don't know if she believes me.  I'm very worried about making her have an anxiety disorder because of my behavior.  I try to tell myself that this is an opportunity to teach her how to deal with anxiety, and to let her see that I may suffer from it, but I still go on.

 

I broke down in tears after dropping her off at school, but I didn't get a release from that.  

 

The dentist is expecting me at 10:30.  Of course, I don't want to go.  It shouldn't be too bad, but I am afraid anyway.  I maintain lower anxiety by avoiding everything that is out of the ordinary,  This is unavoidable.

 

I really need to get to the point in my recovery that anxiety is not complicated by the cortisol spikes and that situational anxiety does not get so intense.  All I know to do is practice CBT and keep reminding myself that everything is fine; I'm going to get well; until then I have manage this anxiety so that my brain forms new pathways that are healthy.  I suspect I have another 6 months of these occasional cortisol spikes and days when ordinary things make me very anxious.  I suppose my hormones are contributing to the problem, too.

 

We all want the best for our children.  My husband has never had a cavity in his entire life.  I had hoped my daughter would be so lucky.  It's not the most terrible thing to have a cavity, but I do hope it will be rare for her instead of a constant issue.  

 

I'm very afraid right now.  So very afraid.

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LexAnger

Try not to fight or control it, flow with it and just let it be. It will die down by itself if you just accept it. Distraction works the best if possible.

 

 

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direstraits

I feel a lot like you do...never felt like anybody cared enough about if I brushed my teeth regularly, never went for regular check-ups as a child.

now I have no bottom molars left and missing several up top.

I think it's good that you can talk to your daughter about what's going on...try not to beat yourself up.it's not your fault.

 

I hope you can get some relief from the anxiety,I know how awful it is.

take good care of yourself.

hugs,ds

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Rosetta

Thank you Lex and Dire-straits for the support.  I really needed some support.  You are  both so kind.

 

The dentist really put me through something.  I have had a lot of cavities filled, but never like this before. I guess there were two assistants before or they were better assistants maybe?  This dentist is the son of the man who owns the practice.  I've had good experiences with the father.  They apparently have a new plastic contraption that he put in my mouth so that his assistant doesn't have to hold my tongue back or suction.  All she has to do is run water over my tooth with one hand and hand him instruments with the other.  Well, I won't go into detail, but this experience was extremely claustrophobic.  I'm traumatized.  I had never experienced that before.  Forty-five minutes.  Never, ever again!!!  If a dentist tries to use that, tell him No!  It's too much for people with anxiety.  This matter of using technology to replace people is really getting out of hand.  I am so tired of it popping up unexpectedly.  

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Rosetta

Journal entry:

 

***Improved cog function -- following conversation, being able to contribute - this continues to improve!!! IMPORTANT:

My husband says he is continually surprised by the fact that I can follow his conversation with me and that what I say to him makes sense.  He is realizing how long it's been since he expected me to say anything g that makes sense.  He's so happy that I am "coming back to him."  This is both wonderful and very upsetting as I did not know how "crazy" I was.  It's very upsetting when he tells me how confused and nonsensical I have been, and for how long I've been that way.  He says it's been years since I made sense and seemed to perceive reality.  He claims that he thought I was insane long ago, and he didn't know it was the medicine.  He thinks I've been having poor cog function since 2007 at least.  That's 4 years before the switch from Celexa to Zoloft.  I'm not sure he's remembering well, but these problems have been happening on and off.  I know now that I was in denial years ago.  I had periods of good cog functioning during those years.  I worked; people liked me; I socialized.  Other times, I wasn't feeling that my mind was clear.  I didn't know it was the medicine either.  Sometimes these problems were worse such as in times of stress.  It tells me that long term use of Celexa caused stress intolerance that rose to the level of cog fog.  Isn't that scary?!

 

Current symptoms:

 

Having cortisol mornings over and over.  I think they started Sunday morning and have been every day since. I wake up before light and worry.  Very anxious while getting daughter ready for school.  Anxious throughout the morning.  Better in the afternoon.

 

Dystonia is worse.  Had it most of the day for days since Sunday, but I've also been using the iPad.  I can't stop.  I want to be with people who understand my condition, and that's here on SA.  Had dystonia most of the night each night since Saturday, and it lets up some after the cortisol hits in the morning.  Going to stay off the iPad and Internet today to see if that helps.

 

Demotivation -- is strong, but not constant.  Sometimes I get the urge to do something -- organize the house, throw things away, wish I could go on vacation or go skiing or just enjoy the thought of going for a walk on the beach instead of dreading it.  I do notice that several times in the last two weeks I have not dreaded picking my daughter up from school. This is important because that dread has been constant for a long time, and it always makes me feel very sad.

Bruxism seems to be gone, no headache or ache in jaw or temple in the morning GOOD

Constipation continues unabated, but it doesn't bother me too much.  

No diarrhea since twice on Sunday, I think. GOOD

Anhedonia -- may be a little less often and less intense as if waves of it are cycling faster GOOD

Less lack of appetite -- getting hungry more often these days GOOD

Joint pain is mild GOOD

Muscle stiffness is still medium (would be high for normal people) -- lack of activity/stretching is contributing, I'm sure

Tinnitus -- None since Sunday GOOD

No headache GOOD

Mild tingling in face/nose when reading (dystonia of right eye muscles)

No Frightening images when falling back asleep GOOD

No crying, only mild sadness GOOD

Better sleep -- I feel I've been sleeping normally again for the last 2-3 nights GOOD

Catastrophizing

 

Activity:

Sat Stayed home; Walk in park, Did laundry 

Sun Gave daughter shower/washed hair, Walk on beach and Dinner out

Mon Panicked over dentist visit, Took daughter to school, Went to Dentist, Walked daughter home; Did homework

Tues Took daughter to school, Had breakfast out, Picked daughter up, Went out for lunch, Went to music lesson, Went to play place at mall until 6:30, Almost ran out of gas, but did not panic

Wed (today)  - did not take daughter to school

 

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Rosetta
On February 10, 2014 at 11:20 PM, Petunia said:

What does healing feel like to me?

. . . 

Sometimes healing feels like I am standing still while the rest of the world races by, leaving me behind, and I panic. But then I calm down and notice that no one is going anywhere. Everyone else is racing around and around in circles and I'm sitting calmly and peacefully in the center, knowing that everything I need is right here.

 

 

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Rosetta

Today is what a window should be.  I had no cortisol awakening, but I did have some anxiety this morning before I had breakfast.  I have felt essentially normal since.  It is remarkable.  I won't say it's AS strange as it was for me when derealization lifted for the first few times, but it is odd to look around and think, "Everything seems fine."  

I don't feel worried about much of anything and yet I know nothing outside of me has changed since yesterday.  I have normal concerns: there are things I have to do; there are things I have put off for months or years; my kid still needs a cavity filled, her music teacher is tired of her inability to sit still and is showing a lot of irritation during the lessons; my house is still a wreck, and on and on, but none of this is threatening.  It's simply a bit sad, but manageable.  I volunteered at the school and had kids at a table, six year olds who can't stop talking, who won't do their assignments without a lot of prodding.  Yet, I felt fine the whole time and fine afterward, too.  This is the first time this year that the kids did not stress me.

I have to remember this.

 

Symptoms:

Dystonia through the night that eased after awakening and increased due to reading and writing on the iPad.

Constipation that does not bother me yet.

Anxiety for about 45 minutes after awakening.

 

My poor husband is so happy to have a rational conversation with me and to see that I really am going to recover.  He never said so, but I think he was doubtful when I had psychotic symptoms, and even until the last few weeks he was probably wondering if all my cog function would return.  I have been drug free since mid-February 2017.

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LexAnger

Wonderful! 

A true sign of recovery and More healing will be following.

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DaveB
44 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Today is what a window should be.  I had no cortisol awakening, but I did have some anxiety this morning before I had breakfast.  I have felt essentially normal since.  It is remarkable.  I won't say it's AS strange as it was for me when derealization lifted for the first few times, but it is odd to look around and think, "Everything seems fine."  

I don't feel worried about much of anything and yet I know nothing outside of me has changed since yesterday.  I have normal concerns: there are things I have to do; there are things I have put off for months or years; my kid still needs a cavity filled, her music teacher is tired of her inability to sit still and is showing a lot of irritation during the lessons; my house is still a wreck, and on and on, but none of this is threatening.  It's simply a bit sad, but manageable.  I volunteered at the school and had kids at a table, six year olds who can't stop talking, who won't do their assignments without a lot of prodding.  Yet, I felt fine the whole time and fine afterward, too.  This is the first time this year that the kids did not stress me.

I have to remember this.

 

Symptoms:

Dystonia through the night that eased after awakening and increased due to reading and writing on the iPad.

Constipation that does not bother me yet.

Anxiety for about 45 minutes after awakening.

 

My poor husband is so happy to have a rational conversation with me and to see that I really am going to recover.  He never said so, but I think he was doubtful when I had psychotic symptoms, and even until the last few weeks he was probably wondering if all my cog function would return.  I have been drug free since mid-February 2017.

 

SO HAPPY FOR YOU! You deserve it. Hopefully it is a nice long window, or the start of lasting recovery. I hope to join you soon!

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Rosetta
22 hours ago, LexAnger said:

Wonderful! 

A true sign of recovery and More healing will be following.

 

Thank you Miss Lex!!

 

21 hours ago, DaveB said:

SO HAPPY FOR YOU! You deserve it. Hopefully it is a nice long window, or the start of lasting recovery. I hope to join you soon!

 

Thanks, Dave!

 

Yesterday was so nice.  I went, very happily, to my daughter's gymnastics class and to dinner with my MIL.  I overdid it a bit, I suppose.

 

By bedtime (7:30) I was exhausted, and I wanted to have everything calm, but my daughter was crying loudly with a headache.  I cannot convince her to drink enough water!!  It is very, very dry here and it's quite warm.  It's supposed to be Winter -- chilly, wet, and NOT dry!!  We had a Santa Ana on Sunday and 70-75 degree days this entire week.  It's hard not to be anxious about these weather issues but there's no use in worrying about it.  There is no way to change it.  Kinda like WD.

 

The cortisol was back this morning.  It woke me up earlier than I would have liked, and I worried for a while about material things -- nothing important.  I was more anxious and for longer this morning.  Reading stories here makes me feel that I need some perspective.  There are more important things happening every day than what will happen in the future.  Living today "right" is the best goal.

 

Cortisol morning

Anxiety as described above.

Dystonia all night, and it was only slight after getting up and moving around.

Still constipated, but it's very odd that I'm not uncomfortable.  I have to wonder what's going on in there.  I don't want to use magnesium because I'm afraid of cramps.

Demotivation is improving, but I'm afraid to do anything out of the ordinary because that might trigger anxiety.  The old catch-22.

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Rosetta

Today started off a bit rough, and I stayed home and took care of myself instead of doing what I wanted to do: go to the zoo with my daughter.  That's ok.  I was sad about it, but sometimes I need a "mental health day."  

 

My daughter woke me about 5 or 5:30, and she couldn't go back to sleep.  She was very upset that she couldn't watch TV.; it was too dark to play, the artificial lights hurt her eyes, etc. I tried to play a guided meditation for her, but she would not listen.  So, she kept talking and whining until I was fully awake, and I was never able to go back to sleep.  This is ridiculous, I know, but it's life in WD with a 6 year old.  I don't always insist on no TV or healthy food because I feel too fragile to deal with the anxiety of holding firm.  When I feel strong enough to hold firm, I insist and hold firm, and I pay for it.  This is parenting in WD.

 

I calmly explained to her to her how inconsiderate she was being and that she had to go and play while I slept.  She started to feel rejected and became more and more upset that she couldn't sleep.  I said all the right things, holding firm on the consideration part and the "if you stay here you have to be quiet and still" part, but she eventually said, "I'm the worst child in the history of the world!"  She always gets me with that sort of thing.  I really can't take it especially after 2 hours of trying to be "responsible Mom." So, I was frazzled by 7:30 am.  

 

If I get anxious, she's gets anxious, and she needs to cuddle with me, but she can't stop moving and talking.  This overstimulates me terribly. I want to go away and hide, but I feel I can't do that to her.  I sat on the couch with her and let her watch TV after 8:00 am.  Maybe I'm wrong about needing to cuddle with her, but I try to avoid being a mother who runs away from her.  Eventually, I'm so overstimulated that I can't do anything.  I know all of this could be avoided by being a more proactive parent, but I'm just getting by day to day and sometimes hour to hour.  I'm hoping I can change that sooner rather than later.  For now, I'm doing well if I don't start to cry or yell or make her feel that it's her fault that I have symptoms due to overstimulation.

 

When it came time for leaving the house, I was a quiet, calm but obvious wreck, and I let them go without me.  This is a huge improvement over how I used to respond to situations like this (crying, angry, showing clear evidence of distress).  They left.  Then I wanted to cry.  This condition makes normal life impossible.  I self talked until I felt good about my decision to stay home.

 

Symptoms:

Less dystonia

Anxiety -- higher due to circumstances in am, low grade, but constant all day

Demotivation -- pretty strong all day

 

Good appetite

Sat outside for 3 hours reading

 

No shower

No walk

Nothing "productive" accomplished except taking a day off

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