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Rosetta

Rosetta: CT May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

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Kristine
4 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Today started off a bit rough, and I stayed home and took care of myself instead of doing what I wanted to do: go to the zoo with my daughter.  That's ok.  I was sad about it, but sometimes I need a "mental health day."  

 

My daughter woke me about 5 or 5:30, and she couldn't go back to sleep.  She was very upset that she couldn't watch TV.; it was too dark to play, the artificial lights hurt her eyes, etc. I tried to play a guided meditation for her, but she would not listen.  So, she kept talking and whining until I was fully awake, and I was never able to go back to sleep.  This is ridiculous, I know, but it's life in WD with a 6 year old.  I don't always insist on no TV or healthy food because I feel too fragile to deal with the anxiety of holding firm.  When I feel strong enough to hold firm, I insist and hold firm, and I pay for it.  This is parenting in WD.

 

I calmly explained to her to her how inconsiderate she was being and that she had to go and play while I slept.  She started to feel rejected and became more and more upset that she couldn't sleep.  I said all the right things, holding firm on the consideration part and the "if you stay here you have to be quiet and still" part, but she eventually said, "I'm the worst child in the history of the world!"  She always gets me with that sort of thing.  I really can't take it especially after 2 hours of trying to be "responsible Mom." So, I was frazzled by 7:30 am.  

 

If I get anxious, she's gets anxious, and she needs to cuddle with me, but she can't stop moving and talking.  This overstimulates me terribly. I want to go away and hide, but I feel I can't do that to her.  I sat on the couch with her and let her watch TV after 8:00 am.  Maybe I'm wrong about needing to cuddle with her, but I try to avoid being a mother who runs away from her.  Eventually, I'm so overstimulated that I can't do anything.  I know all of this could be avoided by being a more proactive parent, but I'm just getting by day to day and sometimes hour to hour.  I'm hoping I can change that sooner rather than later.  For now, I'm doing well if I don't start to cry or yell or make her feel that it's her fault that I have symptoms due to overstimulation.

Hey Rosetta,  You deserve a giant trophy.  Parenting is hard enough, let alone when going through withdrawal!  I've been on these drugs since my son was eight....he's 18 now...despite everything, he has grown into a creative, kind, humble, funny and empathic young man.  I think you are doing an amazing job.  Love to you. K xo

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SkyBlue

Rosetta, 

I've been reading your thread and WOW! You've been through so much and are healing so much. I love what you said a few posts up, about the cognitive function returning.

 

I can really relate! I can also really relate to being sad about how that was lacking for us -- and not even really knowing it. To me there is now such a beauty in being able to completely understand something that someone is saying. Such a simple thing!! But it is so wonderful to me now. 

 

Sorry you had that experience at the dentist. It makes me mad! Most, or many, people aren't thrilled about going to the dentist. Don't they realize people might not want a contraption holding their mouth open? 

 

 

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SkyBlue

Rosetta, I am really interested in what you wrote about cortisol spikes. I have them too -- I had them every night at first, and now "only" on my period. (I say "only" because it feels a little ridiculous to say "I only get woken up in a suicidal, violent, adrenaline rage a few days a month." Well, we have to keep our sense of humor when possible!!)

 

Something you said has made me think -- maybe the cortisol cascade is set off by intense exercise? Although, exercise helps with stress? So how is it setting off a cortisol cascade? 
But I really think you have something there, because I did an intense workout on Thursday and had a cortisol awakening that night at midnight.

I know gentle exercise is best in WD, but I love the endorphins and, later, calming that I get from an intense workout. I can be flexible with that though if it might help stop the cortisol spikes.

 

I'm re-reading the "Waking with Cortisol Spikes" thread. It's quite long : D I know Vitamin C is important related to this, too.

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Rosetta
1 hour ago, SkyBlue said:

Rosetta, 

I've been reading your thread and WOW! You've been through so much and are healing so much. I love what you said a few posts up, about the cognitive function returning.

 

Thanks for visiting, SkyBlue!

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Rosetta

On Thursday I felt so good.  I felt bad yesterday, and I feel worse today.  I'm scared.  I'm having pretty intense anxiety.  I don't want my husband and daughter to leave the house.  I'm afraid they won't come back.  Yet, we can't stay here.  I know that would be worse.  I'm crying because of anxiety and fear, not sadness.  It's reminding me of the bad time last Fall.  I continue to be afraid I'll go back to that state.  I wish I could cry hard enough to get a release of calming hormones, but that's not happening.  

 

I don't know if this is a deepening of the wave or if it's worse because I've upset myself by reading the forum.  It's probably both, plus I'm on day 12 of my cycle.  The first part of the cycle shortens in perimenopause.  The ovulation hormones are released earlier even though the entire cycle may remain at 30 days or so.  The second part may lengthen, too.  Thus the 32 day cycle last month.  Most people don't know about that shift, but it's common. So, this is prime time for anxiety anyway.

 

There are so many factors that contribute to waves.  I'm wondering about the 10-12 month wave and the 16-18 month wave.  I guess I'm about to find out if I have a bad one.  Stress is bound to affect any of us in any 6 month period.  We are more sensitive to stress because we are more sensitive to cortisol.  I suppose it's how we handle the waves that matter.

 

As for the forum, I see people who say they have to take breaks or avoid the forum as much as they can.  I'm trying to find a balance.  I think I'm going to have to stop reading new threads (and very old threads) for the sake of myself and my family.  I need to maintain a level head as often as possible.  That means reducing stress.  That's more difficult if I see things that affect me.  

 

Even so, I think it is good for me to have the mutual relationships I have on SA right now.  I don't want to change those, and I don't want to avoid all new contacts, but I should be more careful what I do here.  I have this little girl to think about and care for.  I'm down too often, and I'm incapable of doing things with her enough as it is.  

 

My journey is what it's going to be.  No one else's timeline will be the same as mine.  Upsetting myself by thinking about the waves that others have had and that are now long over is not helpful.  Reading about new people is hard, too.  I feel so bad for them.  The first few months of reading this forum was so confusing and scary for me.  I was in such bad shape before I joined.  I don't want to be selfish, but maybe for the next few months I should be more careful with myself.  I have a lot of things to put back in order in my life.  I'm probably not helping myself by spreading myself too thin.

 

That said, there are some very important things to take away from each person's story.  For instance, I know that having elective surgery is not a good idea, getting a vaccine is not a good idea, taking any new medicines is tricky and should only be done if absolutely necessary.  Avoiding stress is very important.  We can't avoid all stress so limiting any that we can is important.  I cannot go on vacation no matter how much everyone else wants me to.  Maybe in 6 months I'll feel differently.  I hope so.  

 

Symptoms:

 

Higher anxiety 

Fear

Constipation

Demotivation cycling quickly with the opposite -- the need to Do something about my house (in the hopes of having less chaos and less anxiety when I'm in a wave)

 

No cortisol awakening

Less dystonia -- this is improving a lot

 

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RachelSusan

Rosetta, 

I wish I had a magic wand and could make you feel better. I hoped I knew some special words that would comfort you, but I am struggling with what to say.  I want some way to bring calm into your life. Right now you are in a bad wave, at least let me throw you a lifeline.  Please hold on to the thought that it will get better. You are an inspiration and guiding light to so many, I wish I knew how to do that for you. Better days will come, you know that. You just have to get through now. I HATE what these drugs do to us. 

Xoxo

RS

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Rosetta
2 minutes ago, RachelSusan said:

Rosetta, 

I wish I had a magic wand and could make you feel better. I hoped I knew some special words that would comfort you, but I am struggling with what to say.  I want some way to bring calm into your life. Right now you are in a bad wave, at least let me throw you a lifeline.  Please hold on to the thought that it will get better. You are an inspiration and guiding light to so many, I wish I knew how to do that for you. Better days will come, you know that. You just have to get through now. I HATE what these drugs do to us. 

Xoxo

RS

 

RS, Thank you!  I have tears in my eyes because of your kind words.  I needed that.  Thank you so much.  "It's not what we say, but that we show we care." So true.  I appreciate your time and that you reached out to me.  Yes, it will get better.  

 

I'm trying to get in the bath so that I can go with my family.  Here I go . . . 

 

5 hours ago, SkyBlue said:

Rosetta, I am really interested in what you wrote about cortisol spikes. I have them too -- I had them every night at first, and now "only" on my period. (I say "only" because it feels a little ridiculous to say "I only get woken up in a suicidal, violent, adrenaline rage a few days a month." Well, we have to keep our sense of humor when possible!!)

 

SkyeBlue, I wrote on your thread about my thoughts on this.  Ah, yes, it feels ridiculous doesn't it?!! How in Hell did the #%^* doctors figure out a way to make being a woman EVEN WORSE?!!!!

 

Here I go to the bath . . . 

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Gridley

Thanks, Rosetta.  Your posts are always wise and warm and healing.

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Rosetta

I know everyone is on the edge of their seats to know whether I ever made it into that bath!!!  (Not.)

 

It's both surprising and encouraging that, in fact, I did.  Washed my hair and everything!!!  Then we went to my mother-in-law's and after an anxious lunch in the afternoon there, I had a pleasant evening.  Sad that I consider this to have been a major accomplishment almost one year after quitting an SSRI, huh?  

 

When the off-the-charts anxiety wears off I feel ridiculous for being too anxious to get in a bath.  I can't even recognize the person I was just a few hours before.  What on earth was the big deal?!!  I have done extremely stressful and fear inducing things in my life.  For instance, I traveled alone through a foreign country where I barely spoke the language.

 

Before SSRIs, I was able to simply ignore the fear and act.  Now, I can't do that to take a bath?!  In my own home?  While my husband is home?!! I can't identify what it is about having a bath or shower that is causing this anxiety.  Why? Because it's not the bath that's the problem.  My mind is trying to identify the problem, but the truth is that there isn't a real life problem.  There is only a malfunctioning brain.  

 

Each time the outsized anxiety rears its ugly head I can't fully internalize my knowledge that it's only a brain malfunction.  I know that is true, but I can't feel it.  My body continues to make and send out hormones associated with fear perhaps?  I have experienced this matter of anxiety in the mornings that dissipates by evening for how many months?  Two or more since the all day anxiety wore off?  Maybe close to three months?  It also happened for years while I was on Zoloft after CTing Celexa. Not to this degree, of course, but I remember having to schedule everything for after 9 o'clock.  Then it was 10.  Then it was noon.  Then, I decided to make everything an afternoon event.  I had a break from it after I quit all the meds in February of 2017 and before the emergence of the all day anxiety I had in September, October and November of 2017.

 

I was not an overly anxious person before I took an SSRI.  I didn't take SSRIs for anxiety; it was prescribed for depression.  If I feel the mild, garden-variety anxiety connected to a real situation it's laughable compared to the anxiety caused by this iatrogenic harm of having taken SSRIs.  Someday, I hope the medical profession will listen carefully to accounts like mine.

 

Symptoms:

Mild situational anxiety that dissipated before 11 am

The kid has pink eye in both eyes.  We had to go to the doctor this morning.  It took 2 hours to get prescription eye drops.  She's home today and tomorrow until noon because of contagiousness.  Yet, I'm not overstimulated and not super anxious the way I was Saturday.  

 

Greatly reduced dystonia 

Vivid, complicated dreams

Disturbing intrusive thoughts and visions in early morning

Diarrhea (these days I have either constipation or diarrhea with very little in between)

Painful but short twinges in muscles all over body

Mild, occasional tinnitus 

 

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RealMe
6 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I can't identify what it is about having a bath or shower that is causing this anxiety.  Why? Because it's not the bath that's the problem.  My mind is trying to identify the problem, but the truth is that there isn't a real life problem.  There is only a malfunctioning brain.  

Hi Rosetta, I am so happy you were able to accomplish a difficult task.  I understand. :)

Best wishes,

RM

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samanthaelizabeth

Hi Rosetta, I hope you are doing good today!  I took a shower today also!

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DaveB
2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I know everyone is on the edge of their seats to know whether I ever made it into that bath!!!  (Not.)

 

It's both surprising and encouraging that, in fact, I did.  Washed my hair and everything!!!  Then we went to my mother-in-law's and after an anxious lunch in the afternoon there, I had a pleasant evening.  Sad that I consider this to have been a major accomplishment almost one year after quitting an SSRI, huh?  

 

When the off-the-charts anxiety wears off I feel ridiculous for being too anxious to get in a bath.  I can't even recognize the person I was just a few hours before.  What on earth was the big deal?!!  I have done extremely stressful and fear inducing things in my life.  For instance, I traveled alone through a foreign country where I barely spoke the language.

 

Before SSRIs, I was able to simply ignore the fear and act.  Now, I can't do that to take a bath?!  In my own home?  While my husband is home?!! I can't identify what it is about having a bath or shower that is causing this anxiety.  Why? Because it's not the bath that's the problem.  My mind is trying to identify the problem, but the truth is that there isn't a real life problem.  There is only a malfunctioning brain.  

 

Each time the outsized anxiety rears its ugly head I can't fully internalize my knowledge that it's only a brain malfunction.  I know that is true, but I can't feel it.  My body continues to make and send out hormones associated with fear perhaps?  I have experienced this matter of anxiety in the mornings that dissipates by evening for how many months?  Two or more since the all day anxiety wore off?  Maybe close to three months?  It also happened for years while I was on Zoloft after CTing Celexa. Not to this degree, of course, but I remember having to schedule everything for after 9 o'clock.  Then it was 10.  Then it was noon.  Then, I decided to make everything an afternoon event.  I had a break from it after I quit all the meds in February of 2017 and before the emergence of the all day anxiety I had in September, October and November of 2017.

 

I was not an overly anxious person before I took an SSRI.  I didn't take SSRIs for anxiety; it was prescribed for depression.  If I feel the mild, garden-variety anxiety connected to a real situation it's laughable compared to the anxiety caused by this iatrogenic harm of having taken SSRIs.  Someday, I hope the medical profession will listen carefully to accounts like mine.

 

 

I do this ALL THE TIME! This was the story of my day yesterday. Off the charts anxiety that shuts off to where I can barely even recognize that person, only to have it come back again after noon, and shut off again after about 4PM. So so so so weird!

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Rosetta
3 hours ago, DaveB said:

 

I do this ALL THE TIME! This was the story of my day yesterday. Off the charts anxiety that shuts off to where I can barely even recognize that person, only to have it come back again after noon, and shut off again after about 4PM. So so so so weird!

 

Yes, Dave, but it's only your "mental condition" returning, right?? (Grrrrrr.)  Very weird, very unnatural, nothing like natural anxiety at all, and thank God we get a break from this anxiety for at least part of the day.  I can remember when I didn't have that break.  

 

Thank you, Samantha, for dropping by.  It's nice to feel clean, isn't it?  I try to savor that feeling if I can and remember it so that maybe someday I'll look forward to a shower.  I'm glad to see you are still here.  You can get better, and hopefully your husband will support you even if he says "I told you so."  Mine didn't want me to try the Celexa all those years ago either.  He's so relieved that my personality has come back.  Poor guy.

 

Thanks, RM for dropping by, too.  I know you have been struggling.  I hope you feel well tonight and sleep nicely.

 

Today was fine overall.  I felt normal for most of the day!!  I wasn't even irritable.  I hassled my family to go for a walk in the park instead of being a bump on the couch all day who had to be pried up and out the door.  Imagine that!  It was very nice, and I enjoyed it more than usual.  Forest bathing does feel nice.  Definitely a window!!!   Wow!  (If only it would last forever.)

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DaveB
14 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 

Yes, Dave, but it's only your "mental condition" returning, right?? (Grrrrrr.)  Very weird, very unnatural, nothing like natural anxiety at all, and thank God we get a break from this anxiety for at least part of the day.  I can remember when I didn't have that break.  

 

Thank you, Samantha, for dropping by.  It's nice to feel clean, isn't it?  I try to savor that feeling if I can and remember it so that maybe someday I'll look forward to a shower.  I'm glad to see you are still here.  You can get better, and hopefully your husband will support you even if he says "I told you so."  Mine didn't want me to try the Celexa all those years ago either.  He's so relieved that my personality has come back.  Poor guy.

 

Thanks, RM for dropping by, too.  I know you have been struggling.  I hope you feel well tonight and sleep nicely.

 

Today was fine overall.  I felt normal for most of the day!!  I wasn't even irritable.  I hassled my family to go for a walk in the park instead of being a bump on the couch all day who had to be pried up and out the door.  Imagine that!  It was very nice, and I enjoyed it more than usual.  Forest bathing does feel nice.  Definitely a window!!!   Wow!  (If only it would last forever.)

 

So awesome Roesetta, REMEMBER THE WINDOW! Seems like your windows are becoming more frequent, got to feel good to be healing off of all drugs.

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Rosetta

Oh, Dave, it does feel good.  Just the fact that I can feel positive about it is amazing.  Even after the intense anxiety on Sunday that made me want to cry, I'm able to feel positive now.  In retrospect that incident was so very short.  

 

How different things could have been if I had never seen SA, and if, last Fall, I had continued to think I had lost my mind permanently.  For all the struggles now, the DP, DR, Akathisia-type inner restlessness and the resulting SI were so terrifying.  I'm so very grateful that this site helped me understand what was happening and gave me the hope I needed to carry on.

 

What is written here is true.  These conditions we may experience after quitting an AD or missing some doses are not permanent.  They are not inevitable either, and, most of all, they are not being caused by a psychosis or depression or anxiety that is inherent inside us.  It's all caused by the brain's desperate attempt to operate despite the drug's absence.  I'm not sure I would have believed it if I had not experienced it myself and then recovered from those states for periods of time.

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Downbutnotout
1 hour ago, Rosetta said:

Oh, Dave, it does feel good.  Just the fact that I can feel positive about it is amazing.  Even after the intense anxiety on Sunday that made me want to cry, I'm able to feel positive now.  In retrospect that incident was so very short.  

 

How different things could have been if I had never seen SA, and if, last Fall, I had continued to think I had lost my mind permanently.  For all the struggles now, the DP, DR, Akathisia-type inner restlessness and the resulting SI were so terrifying.  I'm so very grateful that this site helped me understand what was happening and gave me the hope I needed to carry on.

 

What is written here is true.  These conditions we may experience after quitting an AD or missing some doses are not permanent.  They are not inevitable either, and, most of all, they are not being caused by a psychosis or depression or anxiety that is inherent inside us.  It's all caused by the brain's desperate attempt to operate despite the drug's absence.  I'm not sure I would have believed it if I had not experienced it myself and then recovered from those states for periods of time.

How long before you had your first window? It’s been 2 months and hardly anything? In the very beginning, 2 . Very little ones. How can I keep going on? We’re you experiencing depression at the time you went off? 

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Rosetta
21 minutes ago, Downbutnotout said:

How long before you had your first window? It’s been 2 months and hardly anything? In the very beginning, 2 . Very little ones. How can I keep going on? We’re you experiencing depression at the time you went off? 

 

Hi, D, 

 

I don't know know if you can compare your situation to mine.  I wouldn't want the fact that I had a long period of misery (five months) to discourage you.  I've read your thread.  If I remember correctly depression is your most troubling symptom?  I remember wondering if you have demotivation and anhedonia that are coming together to mimic depression.  The result is the same -- you don't do what you want to do, you don't enjoy what you do, and you feel sad.  I have the same thoughts, but they come and go.  My symptoms prior to my first window were severe anxiety and a type of "Akathisia of the mind" that made my old depression look like a relief in comparison.  I felt that way because I had experienced both.  I had the ability to compare.  So, I'm not saying that you should feel lucky, not at all.  What I mean to say is that the upheaval in my brain was different from yours and so the timetable might be much different.  

 

Depression is the reason I started ADs, but I don't have classic depression now.  I certainly feel depressed sometimes because I keep falling back into waves, and it's very demoralizing, but my reaction to WD has been much worse than the depression I used to feel 17 years ago.  I was able to function in 2001, but my circumstances were quite depressing then.  I thought I was suicidal.  (That is laughable now.  I didn't know what feeling suicidal was until I went into AD WD!) These days if I'm in a wave I feel depressed, but less depressed than I felt years ago because I know the wave will end.  However, the degree of misery I experienced from July of 2017 to early December of 2017 made my old depression look like cake walk.  There were many other mental states I never experienced until I took ADs.  High anxiety was the most common one.  OCD was another.  If I had OCD before Celexa it was at a level that was useful to me and did not interfere with normal life.  It became worse and worse on Celexa and even worse on Zoloft.  It changed during WD, and it's annoying now, but it's not as bothersome as anxiety and cog fog and demotivation.  So, what I'm trying to convey is that my journey is much different from yours and yours might be shorter than mine.

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Downbutnotout

Thanks for answering. I am just getting worn down by myself. You sound pretty optimistic compared to me. So that ought to encourage you. You’re also very insightful snd want to help. 

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Kristine

Hey D,  I have been thinking (scary 😳)...I'm not sure if you have done this recently...but have you considered a blood test?  I'm imagining it is cold, overcast and grey in Ohio....it could be possible your vitamin D level is depleted which can present as low mood/depression.  I haven't had a test for about six months but am doing it of Friday.  Also going to have my fasting blood sugar level, B12, iron and FBC.  Just a thought. Love K xo

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Kristine

Sorry Rosetta! Posted the above on wrong thread.   DBNO, I've posted it on your thread Suffering mashed potato brain xoxo K. 

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Downbutnotout
1 minute ago, Kristine said:

Hey D,  I have been thinking (scary 😳)...I'm not sure if you have done this recently...but have you considered a blood test?  I'm imagining it is cold, overcast and grey in Ohio....it could be possible your vitamin D level is depleted which can present as low mood/depression.  I haven't had a test for about six months but am doing it of Friday.  Also going to have my fasting blood sugar level, B12, iron and FBC.  Just a thought. Love K xo

Thanks for being my nurse. I had some tests 6 months ago that showed everything was normal. I was told my d was low last year. I’m afraid of taking too many supplements. They make me hyper. I’m taking fish oil and part of magnesium. I’ll try the vitamin d tomorrow. I’m scared of everything. 

 

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Kristine
On 04/02/2018 at 3:15 PM, Rosetta said:

My daughter woke me about 5 or 5:30, and she couldn't go back to sleep.  She was very upset that she couldn't watch TV.; it was too dark to play, the artificial lights hurt her eyes, etc. I tried to play a guided meditation for her, but she would not listen.  So, she kept talking and whining until I was fully awake, and I was never able to go back to sleep.  This is ridiculous, I know, but it's life in WD with a 6 year old.  I don't always insist on no TV or healthy food because I feel too fragile to deal with the anxiety of holding firm.  When I feel strong enough to hold firm, I insist and hold firm, and I pay for it.  This is parenting in WD.

 

I calmly explained to her to her how inconsiderate she was being and that she had to go and play while I slept.  She started to feel rejected and became more and more upset that she couldn't sleep.  I said all the right things, holding firm on the consideration part and the "if you stay here you have to be quiet and still" part, but she eventually said, "I'm the worst child in the history of the world!"  She always gets me with that sort of thing.  I really can't take it especially after 2 hours of trying to be "responsible Mom." So, I was frazzled by 7:30 am.  

 

If I get anxious, she's gets anxious, and she needs to cuddle with me, but she can't stop moving and talking.  This overstimulates me terribly. I want to go away and hide, but I feel I can't do that to her.  I sat on the couch with her and let her watch TV after 8:00 am.  Maybe I'm wrong about needing to cuddle with her, but I try to avoid being a mother who runs away from her.  Eventually, I'm so overstimulated that I can't do anything.  I know all of this could be avoided by being a more proactive parent, but I'm just getting by day to day and sometimes hour to hour.  I'm hoping I can change that sooner rather than later.  For now, I'm doing well if I don't start to cry or yell or make her feel that it's her fault that I have symptoms due to overstimulation.

Hey Rosetta,  I've been thinking about this.  When my son was little I used the  "123 magic" program by Dr Thomas Phelan.  It was remarkably effective.  It worked! I dug out a YouTube clip where Dr Phelan briefly describes the technique....from memory the first step is to sit down with your child and explain the 123 technique...

 

 

Edited by Kristine
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Rosetta

Thank you, Kristine!!!  I can't wait to try it.

 

Today was fine.  I was quite anxious by the time my daughter went to school at noon.  (Her 24 hours on antibiotics for conjunctivitis was up at about 11:15.)  Then I calmed down by reading a book outdoors.  I walked to pick her up by 2:15 and didn't get very anxious again.

 

Today I have been very hungry and cold.  I used to get very cold last year during WD, and my husband would comment on how high I needed to heat.  Then I had almost no appetite, and I lost 20 pounds in about 3-4 months.  

 

I wish I had gone for a longer walk, but I didn't.  I have a headache that I think is from reading too much.  

 

Dystonia is still mild:  My leg, foot and toes are much better on the right side.  The ache in my hand and fingers on the right side hasn't been bothering me today, and my eye, face, nose, tongue and throat did not get tingly today.  This is a big deal because I read a lot today.  My toes on the left side are not normal, but they don't hurt or ache and never have.

Constipation - I know it's there, but it doesn't bother me.

Hunger - unusually high

Feeling cold -- a symptom that has returned in the past day or so

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Kristine
24 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Thank you, Kristine!!!  I can't wait to try it.

🙂 I'm racking my brain trying to remember all the steps!  I know I used to have the book....maybe see if your library has it? I think there is also a DVD.  

 

Im so happy to hear your anxiety decreased as the day unfolded. Not so good about the headache...I usually gulp down a glass of water and sniff peppermint oil!  

 

These drugs mess around with GI tract 😞 

We will get there Rosetta! Love K xo

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DaveB
19 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 

Hi, D, 

 

I don't know know if you can compare your situation to mine.  I wouldn't want the fact that I had a long period of misery (five months) to discourage you.  I've read your thread.  If I remember correctly depression is your most troubling symptom?  I remember wondering if you have demotivation and anhedonia that are coming together to mimic depression.  The result is the same -- you don't do what you want to do, you don't enjoy what you do, and you feel sad.  I have the same thoughts, but they come and go.  My symptoms prior to my first window were severe anxiety and a type of "Akathisia of the mind" that made my old depression look like a relief in comparison.  I felt that way because I had experienced both.  I had the ability to compare.  So, I'm not saying that you should feel lucky, not at all.  What I mean to say is that the upheaval in my brain was different from yours and so the timetable might be much different.  

 

Depression is the reason I started ADs, but I don't have classic depression now.  I certainly feel depressed sometimes because I keep falling back into waves, and it's very demoralizing, but my reaction to WD has been much worse than the depression I used to feel 17 years ago.  I was able to function in 2001, but my circumstances were quite depressing then.  I thought I was suicidal.  (That is laughable now.  I didn't know what feeling suicidal was until I went into AD WD!) These days if I'm in a wave I feel depressed, but less depressed than I felt years ago because I know the wave will end.  However, the degree of misery I experienced from July of 2017 to early December of 2017 made my old depression look like cake walk.  There were many other mental states I never experienced until I took ADs.  High anxiety was the most common one.  OCD was another.  If I had OCD before Celexa it was at a level that was useful to me and did not interfere with normal life.  It became worse and worse on Celexa and even worse on Zoloft.  It changed during WD, and it's annoying now, but it's not as bothersome as anxiety and cog fog and demotivation.  So, what I'm trying to convey is that my journey is much different from yours and yours might be shorter than mine.

 

Exactly my thoughts except substitute anxiety for depression. I thought my anxiety needed meds to help me cope, I thought I would have these "bad"anxiety blips when I was on Zoloft. They would last for a week or two and I would have them probably twice a year...I thought they were SO bad...I had NO IDEA what SO bad could be. The good news is, once we are through this, we will be able to handle the stuff that used to be "SO BAD" like it is nothing. We will have been through hell and back and stronger for the journey!

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Rosetta

I feel like yo-yo.  Sleep last night was not terribly good.  Dystonia was worse through the night. I kept waking up.  I have been awake since about 5 or 6.  I was very anxious this morning.  How this affects my daughter is heartbreaking to me.  She becomes anxious, and then I have to ask her to stop all the behaviors that evidence her anxiety because they ramp up my anxiety.  This morning she was snuggling with me and fidgeting and putting her hands in my face or on my nose.  I seems to respond in ways that make everything worse.  I ask her to stop doing these things and it makes her more anxious.  

 

This morning I've been crying.  I am very distressed about how thus is affecting my family.  I'm trying not to think about thus going on for months more and focus on today.  

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Kristine
17 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I feel like yo-yo.  Sleep last night was not terribly good.  Dystonia was worse through the night. I kept waking up.  I have been awake since about 5 or 6.  I was very anxious this morning.  How this affects my daughter is heartbreaking to me.  She becomes anxious, and then I have to ask her to stop all the behaviors that evidence her anxiety because they ramp up my anxiety.  This morning she was snuggling with me and fidgeting and putting her hands in my face or on my nose.  I seems to respond in ways that make everything worse.  I ask her to stop doing these things and it makes her more anxious.  

 

This morning I've been crying.  I am very distressed about how thus is affecting my family.  I'm trying not to think about thus going on for months more and focus on today.  

Hey Rosetta, you are one remarkably strong and compassionate woman.  Even with all your troubles you reach out to so many on SA.  Parenting is extremely difficult at the best of times.  Let alone in wd.  There is also a pressure in society to be the perfect parent.  This in itself breeds anxiety.  No parent is perfect.  For example, it is ok to feel annoyed/irritated when your child whines.  They are designed that way! It gets our attention!  Snuggling is important...but your anxiety needs to be at the lower end of the scale for it to be beneficial for both you and your daughter.  Perhaps you could explain to your daughter that there are times that mummy can't cuddle but say that you can't cuddle daddy either...so she knows that it is not her.  

 

Let the tears flow Rosetta.  You have one very important personal capacity that will get you through all of this.  Insight.  Priceless.

Love to you. K xo

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Rosetta

Thank you, Kristine.

 

I feel bad complaining when others are suffering so much more, but I am so tired. I need the yo-yo- ing to stop.  I am completely worn out, and I've done very little today except walking.  The dystonia or the headache or both have caused me with a dull ache all day.  That's tiring I suppose.  My stomach has butterflies thinking of going to bed with this and waking up with it again.

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samanthaelizabeth

Hi Rosetta, May I ask what is  dystonia?

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DaveB
13 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Thank you, Kristine.

 

I feel bad complaining when others are suffering so much more, but I am so tired. I need the yo-yo- ing to stop.  I am completely worn out, and I've done very little today except walking.  The dystonia or the headache or both have caused me with a dull ache all day.  That's tiring I suppose.  My stomach has butterflies thinking of going to bed with this and waking up with it again.

 

Yo-yo-ing gets so tiring doesn't it? It is like, no matter how good and normal I feel when I go to bed, I know the morning will come with high anxiety. It makes this whole process really hard to be so up and down doesn't it?

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Rosetta
1 hour ago, DaveB said:

 

Yo-yo-ing gets so tiring doesn't it? It is like, no matter how good and normal I feel when I go to bed, I know the morning will come with high anxiety. It makes this whole process really hard to be so up and down doesn't it?

 

See what I mean, Dave?  Lol.  You are waking up every damn day to cortisol spikes and intense anxiety, and I'm complaining that it's every other day or every three days or once a week that I have cortisol spikes and 3 days out of 5 that I have anxiety.  Intense anxiety happens about 5-10 days a month.  But I remember those early days so well.  I feel that they are stalking me just waiting for a chance to come back.  All evidence is to the contrary.  

 

Guess who woke up feeling completely normal this morning?  Even the dystonia was gone! If I did not have the horrible memories of WD and a disaster zone in my house, I wouldn't think I was in WD.  I showered this morning -- In. The. Morning. -- before 8:00 am!! One would think the Earth had shifted on its axis!!

 

Then, I went into the chaos of a first grade classroom, but it didn't feel chaotic.  It didn't overstimulate me.  I didn't feel weird and out of place talking to the other mothers who were volunteering.  We had to help the kids paint circles for George Washington's face and ovals for Abraham Lincoln's face (U.S. Presidents -- one was the first president and one won the Civil War for the Union.) We mixed paint, too.   There were at least 4 moms and 8 kids in the tiny room at any time.  Everyone is talking at once.  I'm having to squeeze past people to put paper on drying racks.  I'm running out of paint every 10 minutes.  All of that would have taxed me to no end a few months ago.  I would have been exhausted yet unable to take a nap because of feeling wired.  Not today.  I'm fine.  I am so glad I never took a psychiatrist's advice to take new drugs.  There is no way I would be feeling good today if I had.

 

14 hours ago, samanthaelizabeth said:

Hi Rosetta, May I ask what is  dystonia?

 

Hi Samantha, It's a rigidity in the muscle.  The muscle contracts and stays that way.  It's caused by psychopharmaceuticals.  (It's also caused by physical brain damage, and some people have it as a genetic condition.) Psychiatrists thought that only drugs for schizophrenia caused it until they started putting people on ADs for years.  Now, it's somewhat accepted that ADs cause it, too.  Mine is set in motion by using my right hand.  At other times it's simply there.  It's worse when I'm in a wave; the worse the wave, the worse the dystonia.  It's coming back now because I'm writing this.  I noticed it, but I didn't know what it was, in 2006, and I started using my left hand to move the computer mouse.  That helped, but I didn't know I should have stopped using ADs.  No one ever diagnosed it or told me it was a side effect of Celexa.  It got worse and worse, and in WD it has been the worst ever.  I'm lucky as mine is mild.  No one can see it happening to me, but for some people it is very obvious to other people.  Usually it doesn't hurt, but yesterday it caused a dull ache all day.  I get tingling and numbness from the muscles pressing on the nerves, too, even if there is no ache.  MIne is what is called cervical dystonia because of the muscle groups it affects.

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FarmGirlWorks
6 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Guess who woke up feeling completely normal this morning?  Even the dystonia was gone! If I did not have the horrible memories of WD and a disaster zone in my house, I wouldn't think I was in WD.  I showered this morning -- In. The. Morning. -- before 8:00 am!! One would think the Earth had shifted on its axis!!

 

Ah! Congratulations, Rosetta! That is huge. It is hard when you're in a bad way with WD to even consider this. We are healing, I have to believe this.

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samanthaelizabeth
24 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

 

See what I mean, Dave?  Lol.  You are waking up every damn day to cortisol spikes and intense anxiety, and I'm complaining that it's every other day or every three days or once a week that I have cortisol spikes and 3 days out of 5 that I have anxiety.  Intense anxiety happens about 5-10 days a month.  But I remember those early days so well.  I feel that they are stalking me just waiting for a chance to come back.  All evidence is to the contrary.  

 

Guess who woke up feeling completely normal this morning?  Even the dystonia was gone! If I did not have the horrible memories of WD and a disaster zone in my house, I wouldn't think I was in WD.  I showered this morning -- In. The. Morning. -- before 8:00 am!! One would think the Earth had shifted on its axis!!

 

Then, I went into the chaos of a first grade classroom, but it didn't feel chaotic.  It didn't overstimulate me.  I didn't feel weird and out of place talking to the other mothers who were volunteering.  We had to help the kids paint circles for George Washington's face and ovals for Abraham Lincoln's face (U.S. Presidents -- one was the first president and one won the Civil War for the Union.) We mixed paint, too.   There were at least 4 moms and 8 kids in the tiny room at any time.  Everyone is talking at once.  I'm having to squeeze past people to put paper on drying racks.  I'm running out of paint every 10 minutes.  All of that would have taxed me to no end a few months ago.  I would have been exhausted yet unable to take a nap because of feeling wired.  Not today.  I'm fine.  I am so glad I never took a psychiatrist's advice to take new drugs.  There is no way I would be feeling good today if I had.

 

 

Hi Samantha, It's a rigidity in the muscle.  The muscle contracts and stays that way.  It's caused by psychopharmaceuticals.  (It's also caused by physical brain damage, and some people have it as a genetic condition.) Psychiatrists thought that only drugs for schizophrenia caused it until they started putting people on ADs for years.  Now, it's somewhat accepted that ADs cause it, too.  Mine is set in motion by using my right hand.  At other times it's simply there.  It's worse when I'm in a wave; the worse the wave, the worse the dystonia.  It's coming back now because I'm writing this.  I noticed it, but I didn't know what it was, in 2006, and I started using my left hand to move the computer mouse.  That helped, but I didn't know I should have stopped using ADs.  No one ever diagnosed it or told me it was a side effect of Celexa.  It got worse and worse, and in WD it has been the worst ever.  I'm lucky as mine is mild.  No one can see it happening to me, but for some people it is very obvious to other people.  Usually it doesn't hurt, but yesterday it caused a dull ache all day.  I get tingling and numbness from the muscles pressing on the nerves, too, even if there is no ache.  MIne is what is called cervical dystonia because of the muscle groups it affects.

Oh, Thank you!  So that's why my feet sometimes contort in strange directions!  That's great you are able to work right now.  I'm trying to get back to work, but I've basically ruined my career from the Wellbutrin I was put on three years ago.  I had no idea that I was either having withdrawal from the switch from Zoloft or the Wellbutin was causing extreme anxiety!

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Kristine
2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Guess who woke up feeling completely normal this morning?  Even the dystonia was gone! If I did not have the horrible memories of WD and a disaster zone in my house, I wouldn't think I was in WD.  I showered this morning -- In. The. Morning. -- before 8:00 am!! One would think the Earth had shifted on its axis!!

Yippee! And a shower befor 8am :D so happy for you Rosetta! Love K xo

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LexAnger

Beautiful!

Keep the great work!

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DaveB
3 hours ago, Rosetta said:

 

See what I mean, Dave?  Lol.  You are waking up every damn day to cortisol spikes and intense anxiety, and I'm complaining that it's every other day or every three days or once a week that I have cortisol spikes and 3 days out of 5 that I have anxiety.  Intense anxiety happens about 5-10 days a month.  But I remember those early days so well.  I feel that they are stalking me just waiting for a chance to come back.  All evidence is to the contrary.  

 

Guess who woke up feeling completely normal this morning?  Even the dystonia was gone! If I did not have the horrible memories of WD and a disaster zone in my house, I wouldn't think I was in WD.  I showered this morning -- In. The. Morning. -- before 8:00 am!! One would think the Earth had shifted on its axis!!

 

Then, I went into the chaos of a first grade classroom, but it didn't feel chaotic.  It didn't overstimulate me.  I didn't feel weird and out of place talking to the other mothers who were volunteering.  We had to help the kids paint circles for George Washington's face and ovals for Abraham Lincoln's face (U.S. Presidents -- one was the first president and one won the Civil War for the Union.) We mixed paint, too.   There were at least 4 moms and 8 kids in the tiny room at any time.  Everyone is talking at once.  I'm having to squeeze past people to put paper on drying racks.  I'm running out of paint every 10 minutes.  All of that would have taxed me to no end a few months ago.  I would have been exhausted yet unable to take a nap because of feeling wired.  Not today.  I'm fine.  I am so glad I never took a psychiatrist's advice to take new drugs.  There is no way I would be feeling good today if I had.

 

 

Hi Samantha, It's a rigidity in the muscle.  The muscle contracts and stays that way.  It's caused by psychopharmaceuticals.  (It's also caused by physical brain damage, and some people have it as a genetic condition.) Psychiatrists thought that only drugs for schizophrenia caused it until they started putting people on ADs for years.  Now, it's somewhat accepted that ADs cause it, too.  Mine is set in motion by using my right hand.  At other times it's simply there.  It's worse when I'm in a wave; the worse the wave, the worse the dystonia.  It's coming back now because I'm writing this.  I noticed it, but I didn't know what it was, in 2006, and I started using my left hand to move the computer mouse.  That helped, but I didn't know I should have stopped using ADs.  No one ever diagnosed it or told me it was a side effect of Celexa.  It got worse and worse, and in WD it has been the worst ever.  I'm lucky as mine is mild.  No one can see it happening to me, but for some people it is very obvious to other people.  Usually it doesn't hurt, but yesterday it caused a dull ache all day.  I get tingling and numbness from the muscles pressing on the nerves, too, even if there is no ache.  MIne is what is called cervical dystonia because of the muscle groups it affects.

 

This is what scares me the most, that I took the drugs and it made me worse...so now what? I wasn't doing that bad at all when I tried to reinstate Zoloft over a year ago now, then this whole thing got REALLY bad and I kept switching doses and drugs until now. I think I may be stabilizing, but it never lasts very long, and morning comes and it starts all over again. So glad you seem to be headed for lasting recovery, you deserve it! 

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