Rosetta: cold switch May 2011 & too fast taper Feb 2017

[Rosetta]

I suppose I'm headed for lasting recovery, but it doesn't feel like it right now.  

 

Yesterday evening, I became anxious around 5:00.  I had gone to my daughter's gymnastics class, and a woman sitting next to us talked non-stop the entire time we sat there.  I could tell she was very lonely, but after about 30 minutes I was very agitated. We went to a "pub" for dinner that turned out to be a gourmet place with all kinds of ridiculous ingredients in most of the dishes.  I was very irritated.  There was nothing comforting to eat. I was able to have dinner.  We drove the 40 minutes home, and I was able to read to my daughter and go to sleep all with a lot of effort.  I have had cortisol since middle of night.  I had anxious  anxious dreams.  I woke up at first light and took magnesium, and fell asleep again, but I woke up to intense cortisol anxiety.  I'm needing to cry.  I did cry a little, but not enough.

 

Does anyone understand what this rapid cycling means?  I'm desperate for a word that this means I'm close to being done with the intense anxiety.  My husband keeps saying I'm healing.  When the anxiety is this intense it's hard to feel that way.  My coping  mechanisms don't work with cortisol anxiety.

 

Yesterday, we went to lunch and my husband said to me, with tears in his eyes, "It's so nice to have you back even if it's only for one day."  I started to cry, too.  We are both so very tired.

[Rosetta]

Books recommended by IceBat

Icebat attributes 40% of her healing at 1.5 years off AD (Lexapro) to meditation, getting her digestive system back on track, getting Vit D higher and getting B Vitamins higher.  At one year off Lexapro she had diarrhea and a lot of anxiety.  She attributes 60% of her healing to time.

 

> ***Depression Free Naturally*** <-- - This one connects all of the tiny biochemical bits in a very good, comprehensive and actionable book on depression. They go into histamine imbalance, mineral and vitamin deficiencies, diet, lifestyle, basically they cover a LOT of topics. If you only read one book, especially if you are struggling with depression, start with this one imo.

The Mood Cure - Good intro to neurotransmitter levels, very simplified though, It was helpful but I realized it was dangerous to only attack my mood from that one narrow angle. I would recommend to read this book but don't look at it as the end-all be-all, realize it is just a tiny slice of the pie.

Hope and Help for your Nerves - This was really useful back when my body was super whacked out. It basically reassured me that I would be able to get it back into balance and that I wasn't stuck having panic attacks every day forever. I put it down when I stopped having panic attacks.

Gut and Psychology Syndrome - Talked about the link between gut/digestion issues and mental/neurological issues. Followed their plan of drinking a lot of bone broth and taking sauerkraut and probiotics, and very slowly but surely my diarrhea started improving and my mind became less foggy.

The Good Gut - You are not just your own cells, you are also the bacteria in your gut. Antidepressants, stress, and malnourishment affect your gut, which then go on to affect mood and disease progression and even personality. This one is huge. It's based on cutting-edge research, I strongly recommend reading it.

The Prime by Kulreet Chaudhary - A western-trained Indian neurologist who started getting neurological issues and neuro meds weren't working. She finally, stubbornly, turned to Ayurveda out of desperation and her symptoms improved and she wrote the book. I am currently reading this one and putting it into practice.

Fat For Fuel - The best intro to Keto diet imo. Unlike most other diets, keto is actually a natural way that people have eaten historically, and it has actual proven results in weight management and the treatment of certain types of mood and neurological conditions. I cycle into light keto every few weeks and make sure with my test strips that I hit ketosis. Usually it is just by doing a low-carb day of bone broth, meat and sauteed veggies. Just to keep my body's metabolism on its feet.

[DaveB]

7 hours ago, Rosetta said:

I suppose I'm headed for lasting recovery, but it doesn't feel like it right now.  

 

Yesterday evening, I became anxious around 5:00.  I had gone to my daughter's gymnastics class, and a woman sitting next to us talked non-stop the entire time we sat there.  I could tell she was very lonely, but after about 30 minutes I was very agitated. We went to a "pub" for dinner that turned out to be a gourmet place with all kinds of ridiculous ingredients in most of the dishes.  I was very irritated.  There was nothing comforting to eat. I was able to have dinner.  We drove the 40 minutes home, and I was able to read to my daughter and go to sleep all with a lot of effort.  I have had cortisol since middle of night.  I had anxious  anxious dreams.  I woke up at first light and took magnesium, and fell asleep again, but I woke up to intense cortisol anxiety.  I'm needing to cry.  I did cry a little, but not enough.

 

Does anyone understand what this rapid cycling means?  I'm desperate for a word that this means I'm close to being done with the intense anxiety.  My husband keeps saying I'm healing.  When the anxiety is this intense it's hard to feel that way.  My coping  mechanisms don't work with cortisol anxiety.

 

Yesterday, we went to lunch and my husband said to me, with tears in his eyes, "It's so nice to have you back even if it's only for one day."  I started to cry, too.  We are both so very tired.

 

Sorry you had the anxiety hit. I know you feelings all too well. There will be a day we look back at this intense anxiety and forget what it was like. You are getting there, remember your windows and how far you have come!

[Rosetta]

Just now, DaveB said:

 

Sorry you had the anxiety hit. I know you feelings all too well. There will be a day we look back at this intense anxiety and forget what it was like. You are getting there, remember your windows and how far you have come!

 

Thanks, Dave.  I was looking at the Claire Weekes stuff.  I should try to incorporate those ideas.  I get frightened.  I've been crying all day.  I want to feel well and get things done that will improve my life and those of my husband and daughter.  But I can't.  I have accept that I can't.

[samanthaelizabeth]

2 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

 

Thanks, Dave.  I was looking at the Claire Weekes stuff.  I should try to incorporate those ideas.  I get frightened.  I've been crying all day.  I want to feel well and get things done that will improve my life and those of my husband and daughter.  But I can't.  I have accept that I can't.

Hi Rosetta, I'm sorry you have been crying all day.  I hope you feel better soon!

[Rosetta]

3 minutes ago, Longestroadhome said:

 

You are healing! One day at a time 😘

 Thanks LRH.  That's was nice for you to stop by.  There are a lot of hormonal issues going on with me, I think.  It's hard to imagine this going on for years because I am "of that age."  That worries me.

[Rosetta]

39 minutes ago, samanthaelizabeth said:

Hi Rosetta, I'm sorry you have been crying all day.  I hope you feel better soon!

Thank you Samantha!  I know you are struggling, too.  Btw, I don't work. I can't.

[samanthaelizabeth]

4 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Thank you Samantha!  I know you are struggling, too.  Btw, I don't work. I can't.

Well you're lucky, my husband doesn't like that i'm not working.  BTW, I am from SoCal (Los Angeles area)  I sure do miss it!

[Frogie]

8 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

Thank you Samantha!  I know you are struggling, too.  Btw, I don't work. I can't.

I can't work either.

[Rosetta]

Well then, it's 

5 minutes ago, samanthaelizabeth said:

Well you're lucky, my husband doesn't like that i'm not working.  BTW, I am from SoCal (Los Angeles area)  I sure do miss it!

a damn good thing you reinstated when you did.

[Frogie]

5 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Books recommended by IceBat

Icebat attributes 40% of her healing at 1.5 years off AD (Lexapro) to meditation, getting her digestive system back on track, getting Vit D higher and getting B Vitamins higher.  At one year off Lexapro she had diarrhea and a lot of anxiety.  She attributes 60% of her healing to time.

 

> ***Depression Free Naturally*** <-- - This one connects all of the tiny biochemical bits in a very good, comprehensive and actionable book on depression. They go into histamine imbalance, mineral and vitamin deficiencies, diet, lifestyle, basically they cover a LOT of topics. If you only read one book, especially if you are struggling with depression, start with this one imo.

The Mood Cure - Good intro to neurotransmitter levels, very simplified though, It was helpful but I realized it was dangerous to only attack my mood from that one narrow angle. I would recommend to read this book but don't look at it as the end-all be-all, realize it is just a tiny slice of the pie.

Hope and Help for your Nerves - This was really useful back when my body was super whacked out. It basically reassured me that I would be able to get it back into balance and that I wasn't stuck having panic attacks every day forever. I put it down when I stopped having panic attacks.

Gut and Psychology Syndrome - Talked about the link between gut/digestion issues and mental/neurological issues. Followed their plan of drinking a lot of bone broth and taking sauerkraut and probiotics, and very slowly but surely my diarrhea started improving and my mind became less foggy.

The Good Gut - You are not just your own cells, you are also the bacteria in your gut. Antidepressants, stress, and malnourishment affect your gut, which then go on to affect mood and disease progression and even personality. This one is huge. It's based on cutting-edge research, I strongly recommend reading it.

The Prime by Kulreet Chaudhary - A western-trained Indian neurologist who started getting neurological issues and neuro meds weren't working. She finally, stubbornly, turned to Ayurveda out of desperation and her symptoms improved and she wrote the book. I am currently reading this one and putting it into practice.

Fat For Fuel - The best intro to Keto diet imo. Unlike most other diets, keto is actually a natural way that people have eaten historically, and it has actual proven results in weight management and the treatment of certain types of mood and neurological conditions. I cycle into light keto every few weeks and make sure with my test strips that I hit ketosis. Usually it is just by doing a low-carb day of bone broth, meat and sauteed veggies. Just to keep my body's metabolism on its feet.

My fiancé and I are just starting the keto diet. We haven't followed it to a tee, but following it pretty close. Really good easy to make food.  A person at his work has lost over 20 pounds since before Christmas.

[Kristine]

Sending you the biggest of hugs Rosetta. Thinking of you as always. K xo

[samanthaelizabeth]

29 minutes ago, Frogie said:

Ayurveda

I'm going to get this.

[Frogie]

34 minutes ago, samanthaelizabeth said:

I'm going to get this.

Talk to a mod first. They can tell you if this supplement is ok to take or if it could have side affects. I have never heard about it. I was talking about the keto diet.

Take care,

Frogie xx

[brassmonkey]

Ayurveda is not a supplement. It is an entire interrelated system of well being developed in India.  It looks quite useful, but I would be very careful with any supplements that are recommended.

 

https://chopra.com/articles/what-is-ayurveda

[AliG]

17 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Does anyone understand what this rapid cycling means?  I'm desperate for a word that this means I'm close to being done with the intense anxiety.  My husband keeps saying I'm healing.  When the anxiety is this intense it's hard to feel that way.  My coping  mechanisms don't work with cortisol anxiety.

 

Hi Rosetta. I'm sorry to hear that you're currently struggling, to an even greater degree ~

 

It's very hard to say what the rapid cycling means for you, at this time, as everyone has their own individual patterns of recovery. I found that I also had frequent cycling between windows and waves at various times, and often it could even be in the same day, just hours apart.This was sometime in the first 6 - 12 months but it happened at various other times throughout the withdrawal process. I tried to find it in my thread but it's way too long.  Anyway, I remember being unsure of what it meant, exactly.

 

As there are often, never really any definitive answers in W/D, I decided to assign it, with my own positive meaning ~ which was : that it was a sign of healing, in terms of many nervous system processes being up - regulated etc at a fairly rapid speed. I took it as a good sign and it helped me to feel better about it, despite going through the pain.

 

The quoted piece below is an excerpt from : What is happening in your brain? It's a very good read which helps to explain a lot and I find very encouraging.

 

It would be like if the World Trade Center Towers hadn't completely fallen - but had crumbled inside in different places.. Imagine if you were [...] to rebuild the tower - WHILE people were coming and going and [...] to work in the building!  You'd have to set up a temporary elevator - but when you needed to fix part of that area, you'd have to tear down that elevator and set up a temporary elevator somewhere else. And so on. You'd have to build, work around, then tear down, then build again, then work around, then build... ALL while people are coming and going, ALL while the furniture is being replaced, ALL while the walls are getting repainted... ALL while [...] is going on INSIDE the building. No doubt it would be chaotic. That is EXACTLY what is happening with windows and waves.  The windows are where the body has "got it right" for a day or so - but then the building shifts and the brain works on something else - and it's chaos again while another temporary pathway is set up to reroute function until repairs are made. 
And just like the Twin Towers- it's possible - but the building is a major effort -and it takes a good year or more sometimes.

 

 

amygdala  - This is the FEAR center in the brain. It's a tiny part in the middle of your brain. Fear is protective and it's GREAT if you need to assess something that is dangerous and to ACT  - like if a rabid dog were chasing you. - but it's hard in recoveyr when it's all you feel for months! But the FEAR is not truly in your MIND. It's in your BRAIN.  There is too much glutamate acting here in the amygdala and not enough GABA. So the nerves are firing off in the fear center when nothing scary is really there in your environment.  It is normal for that to happen given the circumstance physiologically. But it feels awful, doesn't it?  I know.  But it's just a brain structure. This can account for fear, agoraphobia, fear of water, fear of anything.  It's not that you're really "scared" of the moon - it's that you're in almost constant fear because this brain structure is healing. The glutamate is pruning back. The GABA receptors are opening back up.  It may or may not continue for awhile. It will abate. Then come back. But eventually, the brain will get it right.

 

 

I personally found that if I understood what was happening, then I could cope more effectively and it would help to see me through the tougher times.

 

 

The anxiety, although difficult is normal in withdrawal. What coping techniques are you currently using?

 

Have you tried " legs up the wall "? Magnesium ?  Deep breathing ?  I employed all of these tools ~ and they can all work to a degree, most of the time. I often sipped, dissolved Magnesium in water during the day and the epsoms salt bath ( added lavender oil) is also calming and helpful for anxiety. Guided meditations are good or a few yoga poses ~ Salutation to the Sun ~ or the simple " legs up the wall". Walking helps, also. It may even be painting/ coloring or journalling, music ~ whatever helps to calm you and that you enjoy doing.

 

 

 

Hopefully, there is something here that may just help you through this extremely tough time. Just remember that this is all temporary and improves over time. You just have to work out the ways to get through the day to day , while you are waiting ...  

 

Ali

[Rosetta]

6 hours ago, AliG said:

As there are often, never really any definitive answers in W/D, I decided to assign it, with my own positive meaning ~ which was : that it was a sign of healing, in terms of many nervous system processes being up - regulated etc at a fairly rapid speed. I took it as a good sign and it helped me to feel better about it, despite going through the pain.

 

 

Thank you, Ali, for your time. I am sure you are right -- this is healing.  My husband thinks so, too.  It is painful.  Maybe this is the 12 month wave.

[Rosetta]

I am in a very bad state.  I just lost it in front of my child.  My husband let the cat in and I didn't want it on my lap so I pushed it off and it scratched me very badly. 

It's happening again today.  Two days in a row.  It happened last Sat & Sun -- two days in a row.

 

This morning, I woke up before light in absolute panic as if I had an adrenaline shot to the heart.  It's physical and mental pain.  This is the way it was back in Sept - Nov.. It's very hard to experience this again after so much time -- a mere 2 months or so -- of being free of that for the most part.  My whole day is spent with that sick feeling in my stomach and feeling overstimulated and irritable until it abates in the evening.  It's very, very hard to be with my child.  She overstimulates me so badly.  My husband has taken her away two days this week after school so that I can see her only in the evening.   

[Gridley]

I am so sorry, Rosetta.  I know it is distressing to have a repeat of this after you thought it had gone away.  

[Rosetta]

52 minutes ago, Gridley said:

I am so sorry, Rosetta.  I know it is distressing to have a repeat of this after you thought it had gone away.  

Thank you, Gridley.  I suppose it will go away again.  It's difficult to feel that that is enough when it can come back again, and it's so random.  There's no way to know what I'll be able to handle from one day to the next.  I can't even live normally on the days I feel normal because I am too tired, and I'm afraid that any extra effort will cause a return of the anxiety.  

 

I went to volunteer at the school, and it went so well, but it seems that going to the gymnastics lesson that evening was too much.  I don't know.  Maybe that isn't the reason.  I still have hope, but it's very hard to be 12 months out and feel this way.  I feel worse than I ever did before ADs.  How ludicrous is that?  They are poison!! This is absolutely nothing like the depression I used to feel before I took Celexa.  I never had anything but the most mild of anxiety back then, and it had no effect on my life.  If I had understood that this Hell was a possible result of trying to cure my depression, I would have never, ever taken that risk.

[Gridley]

Yes, it is random but if you can think of it as healing, as the rubix cube turning and twisting and your neurotransmitters coming back to life like a foot that's been asleep.  As much as you can, accept what's going on.  From what I've read, these waves are common at 10 to 12 months out.  That's cold comfort, I know, but it is normal.  So too the depression that is unlike the depression you used to feel.  That is a hallmark sign that it's WD and not "the return of the underlying disease," as the doctors like to say.

 

Like you, I'm wary of too much extra effort because that does often bring on the anxiety for me, even a trip down the mountain to our little village or a small social effort.  On good days, I can do a little garden work.  Other days, I can feel the start-up of the anxiety.  I have a feeling that the gymnastic lesson was the culprit.

 

Be kind and compassionate to yourself.  That's my watchword.   And don't kick yourself over the cat incident and your child.

[Kristine]

Hey Rosetta,  I'm so sorry you are suffering.  Thank you for your kind words on my thread even though you are in a storm yourself.  I am thinking of you and I just wish I could make this go away for all of us.  Sending you love and healing. K xo

[Rosetta]

1 hour ago, Gridley said:

Be kind and compassionate to yourself.  That's my watchword.   And don't kick yourself over the cat incident and your child.

 

I'm trying to imagine you on a mountain in Ecuador and being so far from a "little village" that's it's a trip down the mountain to get there.  I hope it's peaceful, and there are no leaf blowers!!  

[Gridley]

No leaf blowers!  Not even lawnmowers.  Yes, it's very peaceful.

[Rosetta]

Today is a "feeling normal" day.  What a relief.

 

Icebat's recommendations for digestive health:

 

• I count calories to make sure I am eating enough (others might need to make sure they are not eating too much)
• I hydrate mostly between meals, and don't drink more than a little water/drink with my meals
• If I am not hungry but I need to get more calories, I drink fresh ginger tea, which tends to stimulate my hunger a little bit and makes it easier to eat.
• I take apple cider vinegar (diluted) and digestive bitters before I eat meat (I am not super good about this but I do seem to make a small improvement when I do)
• I track my bathroom trips and stool consistency to notice any patterns that could signal that I need to change up my diet/lifestyle
• I eat fruit separate from every other type of food, which is an Ayurvedic technique to avoid reducing digestive power. According to Ayurveda, fruit digests quickly and should be eaten at least 20min before a meal, or a few hours after a meal when the meal is done digesting (though with my sluggish digestion it feels like sometimes the food never fully stops digesting!)
• Lately if my digestion gets really bad for a few days straight, I do a Khichdi (rice and mung bean) monodiet for a few days which is very easy for me to digest.

[sesamepearls]

Mm, it’s always a blessing when those “feeling normal” days make themselves known. Like you, I did a too fast taper of Zoloft, and I’m starting to wonder if experiencing those days will become a reality for me. But your story gives me hope!

[DaveB]

20 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Today is a "feeling normal" day.  What a relief.

 

This made me VERY happy, enjoy it!

[Rosetta]

Another "feeling normal" day -- so far!!!

 

I've been trying to reconstruct how I got to the point that I decided to quit Zoloft in 2016.  

 

I believe that if I had stayed at 10 mg of Zoloft after my baby was born I would have been ok (if I tapered properly later.)  Zoloft wasn't the drug I needed, and nonetheless, I did feel good enough to live a normal and happy life for a long while -- until the doctor raised the Zoloft dose.

 

When I was on Zoloft for the first few years my life was not all bad.  I think I did stabilize because I remember that I was happy at times.  Until 2016, my quality of life was much, much better than it is now.  Now that my mind is clear, and I understand the theory of WD, I often think back to those years, and I wish I had known to stop raising the Zoloft dose (and to stop drinking alcohol, too.)

 

It wasn't until 2016 that everything went to Hell in a way that I could see.  I was able go on vacation every year before that, and I enjoyed it.  I cooked, and baked cakes and did crafts with my daughter.  I took care of her in 2011, when she was a baby, and when she was 2, 3 and 4 with preschool being only 3 days a week.  My husband says I was a good mother, but that I was very confused and distracted from 2012-2015.  My point is that the first years that I took Zoloft my life improved slowly, but surely until I crashed in 2016.  I attributed most of my stress and confusion before 2016 to being a new mother.  I had no idea that the switch of medications destabilized my system.  Most of what I know about how I looked from the outside I know because by husband has told me -- I was not myself, I wasn't well, but I was happy and active.  

 

In 2015, I did business development 2 or 3 times a week.  That required me to dress up, wear make up, be there on time and interact with a lot of people I didn't know.  I had to be "on" when I was there.  It wasn't easy, but I did it all, and I enjoyed it.  I even made new friends that I still have.  

 

There are many things I was able to do in 2015 that I could not do in 2016 -- not even in everyday private life.  When I think about it and try to reconstruct what was happening, I was drinking at the races all Summer in 2015, and by the time the Fall race season started, I figured out that the alcohol was affecting me negatively.  So, I didn't drink as much in November.  I started to lose control of the interior of my house in 2015.  Christmas of 2015 was very, very stressful.   I would have to look back and see when the Zoloft doses were changed during 2011-2015 and 2016, but 2016 is when I really felt terrible.  I couldn't understand why.  I now see that the alcohol in 2015 further destabilized my CNS and each higher dose of Zoloft after that destabilized CNS.  

 

I suppose that if my husband weren't with me all along I might believe the alcohol consumption in 2015 was the beginning of the major problems.  He assures me that I was not functioning properly long before and even back as far as 2007.  It's hard to accept that I've been having cognitive difficulties from ADs for over 10 years, but he insists its true.  

 

In 2016, I couldn't have my daughter's birthday party (in May) at home.  I had it at a vacation place that a friend had nearby.  My house was such a wreck.  No one could visit.  In 2016, I didn't go to the races one single day that whole year.  I could not get ready to go, I didn't want to go, and the entire idea made me feel anxious and upset.  That's the year I was prescribed Xanax, and it made everything worse.  So, I rarely took it and finally I didn't fill the prescription again.

 

I suppose I should be glad that I'm actually doing better, except on my worst days, this year than I was in 2016!!!

[samanthaelizabeth]

Hi Rosetta, I too have been trying to deconstruct what has happened to me over the past few years.  Half of me doesn't know what is MS( as I was officially diagnosed via MRI and Lumbar Puncture in 2008) and what is from these drugs). I am so upset that I have lost what was my life, before I was put on Wellbutrin.  Now this, I am going to go to counseling to try and fix what is left of my life.  I am going to mention the Wellbutrin and what it did to me, do you think that is a bad idea?  I need to get my confidence back, I try to tell my husband that I have lost my confidence and he says "No, you have always been confident"  I just feel like I have dissapointed him, so..  

I hope you continue to feel better!

 

Hugs-SE

[FarmGirlWorks]

33 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

I suppose I should be glad that I'm actually doing better, except on my worst days, this year than I was in 2016!!!

I, too, am trying to reconstruct why in the hell I went on Zoloft. And how I was those five years when I vacillated between 50-100 mg. The mood swings, the still present depression (but no anxiety), and eventual poop-out after deciding not to raise my dose.

 

I think the reconstruction impetus occurs as one starts to stabilize (way to go on the "normal" day, Rosetta) although I still feel intense, burning rage at the western medical institution that doesn't take your situation into account and just prescribes an AD to get you out of the door. And, the self-anger at wanting a pill to be a magic bullet. Only after 10 months have I stabilized the past couple weeks (thank god) through diligent lifestyle changes and, more to the point, time.

[Rosetta]

Samantha,

I went through a phase of feeling terrible about disappointing my husband.  Eventually, I stopped feeling bad all the time because I realized it wasn't my fault.  He is very understanding, but he's so tired, too.  I still feel bad for him, but I realized that all the stress I was putting on myself was making it harder for me to do what he needed me to do.  I'm not sure if that realization helped me or not, but I did stop worrying as much and I didn't start to feel better.  It was probably just time.  One way or another, I do know that pushing yourself too hard is not going to get the results you want.  I hope your husband will -- and can -- let you rest as much as you need to.

 

FGW,

 

23 minutes ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

I think the reconstruction impetus occurs as one starts to stabilize (way to go on the "normal" day, Rosetta) although I still feel intense, burning rage . . .

 

Do you think so?  I wondered about that myself.  Am I able to think better which means I am healing, and therefore I do think about these things whereas I used to be in survival mode all the time?  I see in your signature that you have a low histamine diet.  Can you describe that?  Is it on your thread?

 

You are getting whole days that are normal days, too?

[FarmGirlWorks]

3 hours ago, Rosetta said:

Do you think so?  I wondered about that myself.  Am I able to think better which means I am healing, and therefore I do think about these things whereas I used to be in survival mode all the time?  I see in your signature that you have a low histamine diet.  Can you describe that?  Is it on your thread?

 

You are getting whole days that are normal days, too?

I am getting partially normal days... in that, most of the day is blue but not anxious. I just was triggered a few hours ago and felt sadder than normal. But I do feel that for the past two weeks I have started to stabilize. I started getting acupuncture once a week (today was the 4th time) and that coincides with stability although who can say if it is that, the change in weather, or (my guess) time.

 

Low histamine started in late August to reduce inflammation (theory by docs: depression is inflammation in brain and gut). Avoiding nightshades (eggplant, tomatoes) and spinach, nuts, avocados, fermented foods, and nuts. You know, everything good for you. Does seem to help though. I started adding kombucha and avocados back in the mix this week but am wary. For instance, had 1/2 avocado a few hours ago and also got triggered pretty easily. Coincidence or not, I don't know.

 

Also, I started being gluten-free two weeks ago (inflammation) and that has been great for my body.

 

I do have Magic Oatmeal once a day to support my CNS and that makes me feel good. It's oatmeal, coconut flakes, turmeric, honey, bee pollen and blueberries.

[Rosetta]

36 minutes ago, FarmGirlWorks said:

I started adding kombucha and avocados back in the mix this week but am wary. For instance, had 1/2 avocado a few hours ago and also got triggered pretty easily. Coincidence or not, I don't know.

 

I had kombucha for the first time today -- blueberry-ginger flavor, and I had pistachios and avocado.  We'll see if there's a reaction.  So far I'm fine.

 

I understand the anger.  The medical profession has lost all credibility with me.

 

 

[Downbutnotout]

On 2/11/2018 at 2:46 PM, Rosetta said:

Today is a "feeling normal" day.  What a relief.

 

Icebat's recommendations for digestive health:

 

• I count calories to make sure I am eating enough (others might need to make sure they are not eating too much)
• I hydrate mostly between meals, and don't drink more than a little water/drink with my meals
• If I am not hungry but I need to get more calories, I drink fresh ginger tea, which tends to stimulate my hunger a little bit and makes it easier to eat.
• I take apple cider vinegar (diluted) and digestive bitters before I eat meat (I am not super good about this but I do seem to make a small improvement when I do)
• I track my bathroom trips and stool consistency to notice any patterns that could signal that I need to change up my diet/lifestyle
• I eat fruit separate from every other type of food, which is an Ayurvedic technique to avoid reducing digestive power. According to Ayurveda, fruit digests quickly and should be eaten at least 20min before a meal, or a few hours after a meal when the meal is done digesting (though with my sluggish digestion it feels like sometimes the food never fully stops digesting!)
• Lately if my digestion gets really bad for a few days straight, I do a Khichdi (rice and mung bean) monodiet for a few days which is very easy for me to digest.

it sounds like you are perfect for this website, and are doing the right things. 

[Rosetta]

Hello.  Third day in a row of "feeling norma!."  All these "feeling normal" days feel precarious.  There's a manageable cortisol response upon awakening that dissipates pretty quickly.  There is less anxiety in the late morning.  Early morning is a rush on school days.  There are moments of throughout the day,, moments of sadness, moments of fear.  It's not "being back to the way I was before meds," but it's not a feeling of distress every moment either.  It's a break, but not enough of one to make up for lost time in housework.  More about that below.

 

So, overall this is a window that's been going for 2 1/2 days.  The nights aren't very good.  I don't want to go to bed because I have anxious dreams, and I wake up in the dark with scary thoughts.  It's like going to a stressful, but pretty stupid, horror movie every night. Not terrifying, but not pleasant.  A B horror movie.

 

The dystonia is very slight.  It's intensity fluctuates during the day, and it's exacerbated by reading and writing on this iPad, but it's much, much less intense.  That gives me a lot of hope that it will someday disappear altogether!

 

My digestive system is still not working. It seems that it's moving very, very slowly.  I think that what I eat is processed over a period of 4-5 days instead of 24 hours.  This can't be good for most people, but it's a change, and in WD change is good.  There must be some healing going on in the gut.

 

My most troubling thoughts are pretty ordinary even if the thought processes behind those thoughts -- the reasons I have those thoughts -- are not ordinary. "I'm not doing any of the things I feel I should be doing: laundry, cleaning, cooking, organizing, keeping house."  This thought troubles me constantly.  It's true, too.  I'm afraid to do those things, and I'm afraid not to, but I do have moments of thinking about doing those things, and while I'm thinking about them I'm not feeling anxious.  This is relatively new, and this is a big deal for me.  It didn't happen in many bugs earlier Windows. I can imagine myself keeping house without setting off an emotional spiral.  I can make plans to do those things without feeling anxious.  I even brought sheets down the stairs today.  When the time comes to put the sheets in the laundry I'm afraid to go into the laundry room.  This is because I would see all the stuff that has accumulated in the garage. At least I think that's the fear.  It's not very rational.  I keep hoping that as my brain heals more I will get to the point that I will have low enough anxiety and high enough cog function to start pushing past those sorts of feelings.

 

This is all so different from when I didn't do laundry because I was depressed.  I remember the house I lived in when I started meds.  Then, before meds, I didn't care.  Then, when things got critical, I hauled myself up and forced myself to do the minimum.  I felt a sense of accomplishment when I did that.  There was a sort of natural rhythm -- 1. apathy, 2. procrastinate, 3. let things get to the brink of being a problem, 4. do what has to be done, 5. feel good and relaxed, 6. then start over with apathy -- not caring.  Now, the function of my brain is very, very different.  It's really all about fear (except that the reward emotion is lacking, too, and that complicates things, I believe.). Instead of a fear of what might happen if I don't do the minimum it's a fear of what will happen inside my head if I see the mess that has been created by my WD state over the past 6 1/2 years.  I suppose I'm blaming myself for the mess I've made.  And as long as I have no hope of fixing that mess without risking a severe psychological pain -- a wave -- I face an intense inner conflict when I have to see the mess to get the the laundry machine? Am I punishing myself for my failure to keep the house for the last 6 years?  Am I protecting myself from facing the physical results of being in WD?  Is my OCD caused by the meds and by WD, too, a factor in this pain/fear/pain dance?  I am certain that my poor cog function -- inability to sort, organize, prioritize -- is a big factor.  I do not like to be reminded that my brain can't do those things well.

 

I might be starting to get back the reward emotion?  I enjoy food now sometimes, but not always in a window!! It's odd.  Some emotions are only accessible during a wave.  I used to think that only bad emotions came during a wave, but now, I am starting to think that my reward emotion is dulled during a window!  Is that possible? 

 

I took effect a huge chance and went to see a movie on Sunday.  Inwas in a window as far as anxiety and pain/dystonia were concerned, but I didn't feel much during the Star Wars movie. (It didn't overstimulate me either, and that was very, very surprising.). It was all explosions and tension and death. I felt very few emotions.  Maybe that's why it didn't overstimulated me.  I felt some emotions, but it was easy to think, "this isn't real; no one died."  Maybe it wasn't a very good movie?  It was quite thin with regard to plot.  

 

As far as reward is concerned, maybe I will start to feel some sense of satisfaction from doing housework, but I'm not sure when.  I do imagine myself feeling a sense of satisfaction.  That's a good sign, I hope.  I do think, "I can put these sheets in the washer," and then instead of immediately feeling fear my mind jumps to the reward -- clean sheets!  That's a change in the brain function. Maybe, if I can hang on to this reward emotion during a window, I can use this carrot of imagining the reward to counteract the fear response that is there with regard to my disasterous house even throughout a window.  It's difficult because these new emotions disappear in a wave and the laundry never does; the disorganization never does; it's always leaning toward chaos.  The housework just accumulates while the wave is here and while I have no reward emotion. The fear reigns supreme, of course. Then, when I "come out" the task is so enormous and overwhelming I can't even begin.  I feel depression at the thought of even trying. Catch 22.

 

Slight dystonia

Poor digestion

Constipation

Poor sleep -- waking up too much and having to really try hard to push the scary thoughts away

 

[Rosetta]

16 hours ago, Downbutnotout said:

it sounds like you are perfect for this website, and are doing the right things. 

 

Hi, D.  IceBat is, not me.  I'm hoping to save her recommendations here so that I can find them again when I can implement them.  I hope you are doing better, Downbutnotout. -- Rosetta