Dabhob33: introduction

[Dabhob33]

15 hours ago, Dabhob33 said:

I’m just reporting what he doctor is suggesting.  I didn’t say I was going to do it.  

 

You suggested I need to drop lithium further, no?

 

I’m  holding valium.  Haven’t dropped since 3/15/18.   I’m going with what has been suggested by the group.  No?  I haven’t added anything.   I did drop the lithium to 675mg as suggested by JanCarol.  Just reporting what feedback I’m getting back from psychiatrist.   I’m working with you.   I’m not seriously thinking about adding anything.   

I’m hurting.   I apologize if my communication isn’t clear.   I appreciate your help.   Please bear with me.  

[Shep]

You're doing fine, Dabhob.

[Dabhob33]

3/28/18

8 - breakfast / 5mg Valium / eye drops

Laying on couch - listening to eckart Tolle and Dyer....very tired...drifted off and woke in panic

12 - lunch 

115 - Acupuncture 

So worried about valium taper.   Distracting myself. 

 

I feel horrible. Intrusive thoughts.  Extreme agitation.  

My wife wants to take the kids to Dayton, Ohio - next week - a 4 hour drive for spring break.   I am not sleeping and not functioning well.   Not sure if I’ll go, but may be good to push for the kids.  

 

The burning has subsided the past few days!

 

Feel I need to change my thinking in order to successfully stay off benzos.   I’ve been anxious all my life. 

5 - dinner 

6 - took dog for a 1/2 mile walk

* 8 - 450mg  Lithium

930 -  eye drops 

10 - 5.5mg valium 

1130 - sleep 

3/29/18

1am - no sleep - sliver Doxylamine 

6 - woke - slightly anxious

 

* Correction

Took 675mg lithium on 3/28.   Journal is wrong. 

12 - 450mg

8 - 225mg

 

Edited March 29, 2018 by ChessieCat
added correction from member's post

[Shep]

23 hours ago, Dabhob33 said:

The burning has subsided the past few days!

 

Very good sign that you are starting to stabilize. 

[Dabhob33]

3/29/18

1am - no sleep - sliver Doxylamine 

6 - woke - slightly anxious

8 - breakfast / omega 3 / valium 5mg

Laid on couch - anxiety in chest  / afraid to go out of house / no energy to exercise

 

Feeling extremely internally agitated, ruminating about not healing from meds.  Worried that my wife doesn’t understand what I’m dealing with - feeling a lot of stress when we’re together.   Feel I need to be my old self and she resents I’m not.  

 

Noon - lunch - 450mg Lithium 

1 - diarrhea 

2 - 325mg Tylenol - headache 

5 - dinner

6 - son’s football practice  - anxious / burning creeping in - it comes on when in crowds and stressful situations

8 - 225mg Lithium  

930 -  eye drops 

10 - 5.5mg valium 

1130 - sleep 

3/30/18

3 - woke - sliver doxy

[Dabhob33]

3 hours ago, Shep said:

 

Very good sign that you are starting to stabilize. 

Came back yesterday.  

[Dabhob33]

3/30/18

3 - woke - sliver doxy 

7 - woke - Broken sleep

8 - breakfast /valium 5mg /eye drops / omega 3

Laid on couch / wife frustrated 

10 - am I doing this to myself?   Poor attitude keeping me from doing things.  Being active.  

12 - lunch 

Anxiety in chest.   Really trying to accept where I’m at and just be an observer of the sensations I’m feeling / thoughts.  

 

Extremely restless.  

5 - family went to “Get Air” indoor playground.   I went.  Kids fought.   Anxiety through the roof.   

730 - went to men’s group - felt better

8 - 225mg Lithium 

930 -  eye drops

10 - 5.5mg valium 

1130 - sleep 

3/31/18

1 - woke - sliver doxy

6 - woke - slight burning

[Dabhob33]

3/31/18

6 - woke 
8 - breakfast / valium 5mg /eye drops /omega 3
Laid on couch
Anxiety in chest.  Restless.  Very depressed throughout the day 
1130 - family went to movie - I stayed home
Noon - lunch / Lithium 450mg
Head burning sensation
2 - 325mg Tylenol - headache
Took nap - couldn’t sleep - panic 
7 - played “operation” game with daughter.   Very restless / burning off and on thru day 
8 - 225mg Lithium 
930 -  eye drops
10 - 5.5mg valium  
1130 - sleep 
4/1/18

330 - woke - worried about benzos / heavy heartburn 

 

Edited April 1, 2018 by ChessieCat
reduced font

[Dabhob33]

I’m feeling physically horrible.   Burning body is the worst physical symptom and constant ruminating thoughts of doom psychologically. Agitation off the charts.     

[Dabhob33]

I’m feeling physically horrible.   Burning body is the worst physical symptom and constant ruminating thoughts of doom psychologically.   I have no one to talk to on my end that understands this.  They have all turned their backs on me.   “It’s all in my head” and “need to get over it”.     I’m burning and feel hopeless.  

[AliG]

46 minutes ago, Dabhob33 said:

I have no one to talk to on my end that understands this.

 

Whenever I have felt like that, in the past ( during withdrawal) : I came here and always received so much understanding and support. I would hope that perhaps you could and possibly do feel the same way and can perhaps gather some strength from this community ; who are also, either -  a ) currently going through it or b )  have recently been through it and come out the " other side".  Either way, there is much hope and understanding here, but please don't take it for granted, as it can be quite rare to find. Just saying ...  

[Dabhob33]

Thank you.  Do I just post here?  Or another section of the site?   I hate complaining.  

[AliG]

Just continue to post here ~ this is your thread to ask questions and obtain information about your particular situation.

[Dabhob33]

Feeling extremely depressed.  Hopeless.   The nights of little to no sleep are awful. Waking in a panic.   Getting to the point I anticipate - which I know isn’t good.   

 

Everyone is having a great time.   I’m a zombie.   

 

I do all the hygiene for sleep.   It’s the anticipation of restarting benzo wd and poor med wd decisions of past that haunt me.   

[AliG]

Ok ~ That is usually temporary. I'm sorry as it's hard to deal with.

Edited April 1, 2018 by AliG

[AliG]

2 hours ago, Dabhob33 said:

The nights of little to no sleep are awful. Waking in a panic.

 

Again ~ sorry. A lot of us have already been there and totally understand. ~ It's  difficult for sure ...

 

Are you feeling any better? What methods have you employed, so far ?  This link helps ~

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

Edited April 1, 2018 by AliG

[Dabhob33]

25 minutes ago, AliG said:

Ok ~ That is usually temporary. I'm sorry as it's hard to deal with.

 

6 minutes ago, AliG said:

 

Again ~ sorry. A lot of have already been there and totally understand. ~ It's  difficult for sure ...

Anything else?  What do you mean?

[Dabhob33]

And I’m not even tapering benzo.   Been holding since 3/15/18

[Shep]

9 hours ago, Dabhob33 said:

I have no one to talk to on my end that understands this.  They have all turned their backs on me.   “It’s all in my head” and “need to get over it”.     I’m burning and feel hopeless.  

 

You may want to read and post in the Relationships and Social Life thread and the Finding Meaning thread. If you're struggling with reading and focusing, start out with the threads pinned in green up at the top of these sections. 

 

You'll find that many of us are dealing with this same issue and perhaps by reading and posting with others, you'll find some helpful information to guide you through. 

 

Another idea is to post positive messages on other members' threads. Sometimes cheering someone else up is the best way to cheer yourself up and it reinforces that you will survive this. And posting to other members is a good way to make some friends along the way so you feel less isolated. 

[powerback]

9 hours ago, Dabhob33 said:

I’m feeling physically horrible.   Burning body is the worst physical symptom and constant ruminating thoughts of doom psychologically.   I have no one to talk to on my end that understands this.  They have all turned their backs on me.   “It’s all in my head” and “need to get over it”.     I’m burning and feel hopeless.  

So sorry D this has happened with your support network ,we are all here for each other because we get it ,you will need to journal and get your feelings down and out of your system ,I try my best not open my mouth anymore because I can see there eyes glaze over .

Don't take it personally,it just freaks them out  .is it possible to maybe research a depression support network in your area ,ive done this myself but I'm just to unwell to cope with it but I will keep the option open .

With you all the way ,be safe .

[Dabhob33]

Thank you so much P - 

some of them say they get it, some don’t.   And the ones that get it, I can see in their actions towards me that they still have issues understanding.  

 

My wife wanted us to take the kids on small trip for a couple days next week.  I told her I can barely lay on the couch without jumping out of my skin.   

 

I’m missing so much with the kids.   But I hate the pity party.   Absolutely hate it.  

 

I go to a therapist 2x a week (5 mins from my house), and when I can, a men’s group 2x a week.    I’m getting to the point I don’t want to leave the house.

 

It’s the lack of sleep and ruminating that really gets me.  Sets me down the rabbit hole of thought. 

 

I hope you’re having a manageable day and things are getting better for you.  

 

D 

[powerback]

31 minutes ago, Dabhob33 said:

Thank you so much P - 

some of them say they get it, some don’t.   And the ones that get it, I can see in their actions towards me that they still have issues understanding.  

 

My wife wanted us to take the kids on small trip for a couple days next week.  I told her I can barely lay on the couch without jumping out of my skin.   

 

I’m missing so much with the kids.   But I hate the pity party.   Absolutely hate it.  

 

I go to a therapist 2x a week (5 mins from my house), and when I can, a men’s group 2x a week.    I’m getting to the point I don’t want to leave the house.

 

It’s the lack of sleep and ruminating that really gets me.  Sets me down the rabbit hole of thought. 

 

I hope you’re having a manageable day and things are getting better for you.  

 

D 

its very tricky with "friends" and support ,stick to your therapist for offloading and get what you need from the men's group and no doubt you've a lot to give also ,constantly speaking about it will ware you out  so take your breaks from it [I know this is hard ].

I really do get it  and your amongst fellow warriors but switching off when you can is really good for you ,I had a nap for an hour today and I loved it ,I rarely nap during the day .so out of a  bad day ile take that as  a bit of relief .

your harshly judging yourself with the pity party ,we got to have a little compassion for ourselves ,this   coming from someone with a pathological self critic ,ive got to change this ,I just simply must .

If I can play devils advocate ,test this therapist and push them  ,don't pay good money and not get some tools and understanding. This is nothing about judging you of course  ,I'm just critical of them ,I went to one a good few years ago myself  .

The ruminating is a pig , maybe make researching sleep your obsession and it will dampen down other thoughts .

Its very tricky with the excursions ,just keep up the battle and you'll get there,we wont forget the journey that's for sure . 

Hope you get a break soon my friend .

[Snowyowl16]

Hi Dabhob, have you tried listening to some you tube videos from Claire Weekes? She has really helped me with my thinking regarding my anxiety. I am e good at technology or I would post the link. I believe the links are in the self help section of this board.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQayrHxGDcc

 

I also have 1 of her books and it is a tremendous help.

[Dabhob33]

Hi S - 

 

Thanks for checking in.  Yes, I’m listening to her book Freedom From Nervous Suffering.   Lots of great tips.   The only thing I didn’t like was here repeated suggestion to take a benzo to take the edge off.   But overall, has great message.  

 

Thank you for caring 

D

[BAT]

I'm sorry you and all of us are going through this. It's so awful!!

 

Where do you have burning at? Do you have any pain? If so where?

[Dabhob33]

Thank you.  Burning all over body and head.  Painful.  

[Dabhob33]

4/1/18

3 - woke 

6 - got up - didn’t sleep well - 3-4 broken hours 

730 - Kids - Easter bunny gifts and egg search - tried putting on a happy demeanor 

8 - 5mg valium / breakfast 

10 - didn’t go to mass with the family.  

Noon - 450mg Lithium lunch - we’re hosting some relatives.  A few know what’s going on, a few don’t.   Will go to my room as needed.  Will try to push through.  

- Extremely agitated.  Nothing feels good to do, even just laying.  

1 - nap - panic after a few minutes mins.  This is so distressing

4 - can’t stop ruminating thoughts...”fake it until I make it” not working.  Anxiety in chest. 

5 - A few members of SA checked in with me with suggestions.    Really appreciated. 

Connected with Aaron from Cleveland from benzo group.  

8 - 225mg Lithium 

930 -  eye drops

10 - 5.5mg valium  

1130 - sleep 

4/2/18

130 - 25mg doxy

woke throughout evening

 

[Dabhob33]

I don’t feel I’m stabilizing at all.   Stay the course?  Up dose?

 

waves of anxiety throughout the body - chest and stomach primarily.  

[Dabhob33]

4/2/18

130 - doxy 25mg

Woke throughout night

7 - up

8 - 5mg valium / omega 3 / eye drops

Can’t stop obsessing about taper

Burning

Family went to science center - I didn’t go 

Feel I’m  going backwards, but want to move forward with taper (will it be torture?)

Noon - lunch

Anxiety throughout body - especially chest and stomach

1 - Tried taking nap - woke in panic

5 - dinner

8 - 225mg Lithium 

930 -  eye drops

10 - 5.5mg valium  

1130 - sleep 

4/3/18

145 - up - heartburn 

645 - woke - didn’t use doxy last night

 

 

[Dabhob33]

On 4/2/2018 at 10:50 AM, Dabhob33 said:

I don’t feel I’m stabilizing at all.   Stay the course?  Up dose?

 

waves of anxiety throughout the body - chest and stomach primarily.  

 

11 hours ago, Dabhob33 said:

4/2/18

130 - doxy 25mg

Woke throughout night

7 - up

8 - 5mg valium / omega 3 / eye drops

Can’t stop obsessing about taper

Burning

Family went to science center - I didn’t go 

Feel I’m  going backwards, but want to move forward with taper (will it be torture?)

Noon - lunch

Anxiety throughout body - especially chest and stomach

1 - Tried taking nap - woke in panic

5 - dinner

8 - 225mg Lithium 

930 -  eye drops

10 - 5.5mg valium  

1130 - sleep 

4/3/18

145 - up - heartburn 

645 - woke - didn’t use doxy last night

 

 

 

On 4/2/2018 at 10:50 AM, Dabhob33 said:

I don’t feel I’m stabilizing at all.   Stay the course?  Up dose?

 

waves of anxiety throughout the body - chest and stomach primarily.  

Don’t want to updose at all.  Won’t.  Just not stabilizing.  Is it possible that I won’t?   Is there a point where I need to consider pushing forward?   I just hate the thought of continuing to take this poison without going down.   I’m sure there’s a logical response.  

[Dabhob33]

4/3/18

645 - woke - really crabby

Anxiety in stomach and chest

8 - 5mg valium / eye drops / 

12 - lunch / therapist appt (will be away for two weeks) / Lithium 450mg

1 - major scream fight with 11 yr old daughter.  My body’s on fire and can’t calm down.  She’s hurting from all of this and I’m not reacting well to her and her brother (9yr old) fighting.  These fights set me (and her) back considerably.   Feel like all the virtual scabs and nerve endings are ripped open and frayed.  I’m seeking peace to try to heal and it’s bedlam here.  My wife is indifferent to me and the situation.  

5 - dinner

Extremely agitated trying to put headlight in car.  

Helped son set up video game 

8 - 225mg Lithium 

930 -  eye drops

10 - 5.5mg valium  

1130 - sleep 

4/4/18

 615 - woke 

 

 

[AliG]

Dave, It's ok. So many of us have been there and even now ... continue to try and work through it all. You are definitely not on your own, and the great thing is that you have so much support, here.

 

How are you finding the burning symptoms? You are mentioning them much less, which I consider to be a good sign. What have you done to deal with them? Has anything helped? 

Ali

[Shep]

 

On 3/24/2018 at 8:37 PM, Dabhob33 said:

My 11 yr old daughter has taken my “journey” the hardest in our household.  She’s extremely angry and depressed.  She was diagnosed ADD when she was 7 and has tried every related drug.   She s even tried Wellbutrin (for a year)  and lamictal most recently.   She is now off all drugs.   

 

 

Dabhob, I was reading back over your thread and noticed this comment about your daughter's drug history from a couple of weeks ago. In your most recent post, you mentioned that her behavior is still causing problems, you may want to start a new Intro thread for you and your wife to post on her behalf because she's likely also going through psychiatric drug withdrawal. 

 

Like Ali just posted, you are not on your own. Just a thought in case you wish to get information to help your daughter and perhaps make the overall family situation calmer. 

[powerback]

1 hour ago, Dabhob33 said:

4/3/18

645 - woke - really crabby

Anxiety in stomach and chest

8 - 5mg valium / eye drops / 

12 - lunch / therapist appt (will be away for two weeks) / Lithium 450mg

1 - major scream fight with 11 yr old daughter.  My body’s on fire and can’t calm down.  She’s hurting from all of this and I’m not reacting well to her and her brother (9yr old) fighting.  These fights set me (and her) back considerably.   Feel like all the virtual scabs and nerve endings are ripped open and frayed.  I’m seeking peace to try to heal and it’s bedlam here.  My wife is indifferent to me and the situation.  

5 - dinner

Extremely agitated trying to put headlight in car.  

Helped son set up video game 

8 - 225mg Lithium 

930 -  eye drops

10 - 5.5mg valium  

1130 - sleep 

4/4/18

 615 - woke 

 

 

Sorry to hear your struggling D ,please do everything you can to avoid these arguments ,it sets you up for so much harm emotionally ,I know its hard .I can just imagine you putting the headlight in ,when your tackling  these chores ,try be mindful that your doing it while not well and give loads of time ,good on ye even doing it .

I'm in an  awful state myself for to long a time  and the smallest interaction with an old acquaintance  yesterday wore me out .it was basically like going to one of them reunions and it took all of my energy to get past it .If I had an option ide move from were I live ,its torture.

Your not alone my friend

.when you wake your at your worst ,I have ear protection ear muffs for when I wake because any noise from others and I'm like a  crabby dog  .this morning to drown all noise out I put a documentary on about plants ,just anything to distract .

Be safe . 

[Dabhob33]

2 hours ago, AliG said:

Dave, It's ok. So many of us have been there and even now ... continue to try and work through it all. You are definitely not on your own, and the great thing is that you have so much support, here.

 

How are you finding the burning symptoms? You are mentioning them much less, which I consider to be a good sign. What have you done to deal with them? Has anything helped? 

Ali

Thank you Ali

My biggest symptoms have been anxiety (stomach and chest), worry, waking in panic  and rumination about tapering and things I haven’t been able to do since this started.  The burning has subsided a lot, but I’ve been isolating a lot and avoiding situations (aside from home life) where I get stressed out.  Although my homelife is big ball of stress.   

 

I am on the couch most days, with thoughts of suicide.   Not planning, but I never ever had before benzos and coming off ADs.  I listen to positive videos on YouTube all day.   When I doze off I awake in panic.  

 

D

[Dabhob33]

1 hour ago, powerback said:

Sorry to hear your struggling D ,please do everything you can to avoid these arguments ,it sets you up for so much harm emotionally ,I know its hard .I can just imagine you putting the headlight in ,when your tackling  these chores ,try be mindful that your doing it while not well and give loads of time ,good on ye even doing it .

I'm in an  awful state myself for to long a time  and the smallest interaction with an old acquaintance  yesterday wore me out .it was basically like going to one of them reunions and it took all of my energy to get past it .If I had an option ide move from were I live ,its torture.

Your not alone my friend

.when you wake your at your worst ,I have ear protection ear muffs for when I wake because any noise from others and I'm like a  crabby dog  .this morning to drown all noise out I put a documentary on about plants ,just anything to distract .

Be safe . 

Thank you powerback

i appreciate your insights.  

Really like the idea of head phones in the morning.  You’re right.  I feel awful during the morning when the kids are screaming before school, etc.