Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Ottonymous

I am a little over a month into this part of my tapering story, (Celexa-free now) and last week I had a lot of anxiety, which did not come as a surprise to me. I had somatic obsessions, tactile hallucinations, paranoia, and sometimes I wince from the intrusive thoughts or images that come up. My partner has been witnessing moments of this struggle which sparked a discussion. She says it hurts her to see me in pain and she urged me to think more critically about why I am doing what I am doing. When I tried to explain that sometimes withdrawal is just hard and requires patience, she said that I was rationalizing everything and didn't have any plan in place for when I should stop what I was doing or increase dosages again. She feels as if I don't leave enough room for her feelings or take into account how my actions in this process affect our relationship. She does not have personal experience with mental illness or medication which for some reason makes hearing that from her feel even harder. I feel judged in moments, though I really do think this is my own projection, and as a result I am not able to comfortably voice how I feel.

 

I responded to all of this rather defensively. It felt like she wasn't trusting me to know what I need and it also seemed like this process, (which is hard for me already) was burdensome to her somehow. I felt like this is incredibly challenging for me and I need her amazing strength, love, and support right now, more than ever. I care so much about how she feels and this relationship but I want to be in control of this very personal process. She also thinks I am undergoing this journey in hopes of an idealized vision of reality without medication. While I do have hope for what life might be like drug-free, I try really hard to stay grounded and not have too many expectations. Maybe she's right in that regard.

I don't know how to create more space for her to have feelings about how I'm feeling. It feels messy. I start dissociating during our conversations and losing time, losing information. She is very sharp and has an amazing memory so I simply cannot compete. We have barely talked in the past two days, we both feel really frustrated. We have both explicitly stated our needs and yet this still does not feel resolved. Neither of us can seem to relax into a willing state of mind until the other does. I feel so angry and I can't tell where it is coming from. 

Does anyone relate to this? I'm not sure how to move forward? 

Otto
 

Share this post


Link to post
TeaBea

Hi.  I just looked up your story to get a bit more information about your situation.  I’m very sorry that you’ve spent almost half your young life drugged up, not knowing the real you.  I understand you were having a rough time as a youngster, but it was too bad the doctors didn’t realize that it could possibly have been just a rough patch—hormonal, situational in nature, etc.  Too bad they reached for the meds, setting you up for a lifetime of them.  I also hate that you’ve been given other psych labels while either on meds or changing meds.  No one knows if that is something truly wrong OR (more likely) caused BY the meds themselves.  Don’t believe the labels…trust yourself.  

 
It’s my opinion that you need to do what is best for YOU and only you at this point.  This is a critical, pivotal point in your young life that will reverberate throughout the rest of your life—either you will be successful getting off meds and figuring out what’s going on in your natural, unmedicated brain, or you will remain as you’ve been since age 12…on meds.  At this point, without your partner being a longtime spouse with kids involved, etc., I think you need to be as selfish as you need to be and take only yourself into consideration.  If she makes it a choice for you—her or coming off the meds, I hope you choose coming off the meds.  I can’t imagine anyone being on these kinds of meds, which can have so many physical / health side-effects, for an entire lifetime.  Can you imagine another 60 yrs?  She needs to understand that…..a body isn’t meant to take a lifetime of these kinds of chemicals.  
 
This is coming from a “spouse” of Effexor, knowing what my side is like.  It might take awhile for you to get all sorted out, and if you have to put up with someone else’s feelings, it’s going to be harder for you.  Even being a “mature adult” (ha), I had a hard time dealing with my husband, and we were married 20 yrs before he went on the med; 6-7 yrs of hell while on it; another 2 years of withdrawing before the real him came back, and another 2 yrs of irritability.  It would be hard to want to deal with it, not having our deep history.  I know a lot of women wouldn’t have stuck it out.  I didn’t really want to sometimes.  It wasn’t pretty; it wasn’t fun.  I hated it.  
 
I wish the VERY best for you.  You CAN come out the other side of this.  Maybe your unique experience would be of value to all the other kids who got started out on meds while in childhood and who can’t see a way out.  That might give your struggle more meaning….  Good luck.
TB

Share this post


Link to post
TeaBea

I'm sorry, I don't know how my text got so large--I didn't do anything different from any other posts I've made....

 

Edited to add:  "weird, this one is normal sized."  

Share this post


Link to post
Ottonymous

TB, wow thank you so much for taking the time to post that. It is really helpful to hear things from the other point of view and your compassion was much needed today. 

No, she never draws hard lines like that (her v. meds). I think her fear in part has been that I am imagining life without medication is a beautiful reality when in all actuality it is the same reality but without the heavy padding of medication. I think she, (and most of my family) feel that if I am feeling good and stable whatever is causing that must be mostly good because I absolutely suffered for so long. I have been working on non-drugging techniques and feeling empowered but the reality is my "sober" self has nothing to show for it. These are just tools that I am using while I transition off medication and into the next phase. 

 

I hear what you're saying about health concerns of staying on this stuff and I agree, these medications were not designed for longterm use. I think the notion of the "real" self is slippery and something that haunts me always. In an immediate sense the real self is the one that is present now but I have to say the hardest side effect of these drugs for me has been this creeping feeling that I can't know the true origin of my emotions and thoughts and beliefs because I am routinely altered. On the other hand we all are: coffee in the morning, cigarette for some, stressful job, maybe gambling... how we were born, how we were raised... all inform us on a biological level. But I think we are much more malleable than complex chemistry sets. That being said, there are measurable effects that I've experienced that point to medication facilitating the creation of someone I was not supposed to be. Whatever "supposed to" means, that is how I experience the feeling. It is slow and insidious.

I am 22 now and in a very good place to undergo this transformation though I can't say I really know what to expect. I'd like to ask you though TB, what can you tell me about your husbands' personality changes throughout different stages of drugging? Also, what did your husband do, (or could have done) to make his experience easier for the both of you? What did you need from him? Do you think it is something that can be approached as a team? I don't even know what that would look like to be honest. I love my partner and I know she is coming from a place of love and her academic need for critical reasoning (haha). I am afraid that I will change entirely and really disrupt our relationship. I guess I can't account for everything, who knows. 

Thanks again for your support.

Otto

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.