cantgetofflexapro1: I need some support and want to share my story

May 21, 2018

Hi,

I really don't know how to do this so please bare with me here. I have never used a website like this before - So I am new here. I don't know what else to do at this point. I am looking for some help and support from people that know what I'm going through and have experience in this area.

I have been on Lexapro for over 3 years now - 20mg each night. On January 1st I decided I was going to taper off, like I have in the past with other drugs ive been on. It was my choice, I wanted to be completely free of any antidepressant or antipsychotic pharmaceutical, Lexapro was my last step/drug.

At first I was doing ok - I went down from 20mg to 15 mg for about 30-35 days, then went from 15mg to 10mg for about another month or so. The 20-15mg was mild and tolerable but when I hit the 10 mg stage, I could really feel a difference. It was not pleasant and I wanted to go down faster but stuck it out for another month before I went down from 10mg - 5 mg.

I was still sleeping during this time even tho it was different, I felt like If I was still able to get sleep that that was a good sign. The 10-5mg drop down wasn't too bad, I actually felt better on 5mg then 10 so I stayed on the 5mg for about 3 weeks. At this point I was cutting my pill into a fourth so it didn't feel like much. I felt well during this time I decided to drop down to 2.5mg. I didn't feel too much of a change and felt confident I could finally get off of this drug. So in a matter of about 2 weeks. I continued to go down from 2.5 to half, 1.25 and at that point I was dealing with such a small dose in my hand I just kept cutting the pill into smaller pieces. I probably should have stayed on those small pieces longer than I did, I think that was my error maybe? After 2 weeks I thought there was no point in taking crumbs of Lexapro, I thought it wasn't hurting or helping, so I could just stop taking it. I figured 3 and a half months or so was a patient and slow enough taper right? Well it turns out I was very wrong.

The first day or two completely off of Lexapro weren't too much different, I actually felt relieved and like I had finally made it and crossed the finish line. I have been taking melatonin 5mg each night for the past year so this is all I was taking at that point and was still able to sleep even tho it felt different I was happy I could still sleep since I have always struggled with insomnia.

But after about 3-4 day mark, I could really start to feel the withdrawals hitting hard. My brain went foggy and I started having what everybody calls the brain zaps, those were terrbible. I kept telling myself I can do this, I can make it, its just part of the process. well during this time now about 4-6 days of no Lexapro, I started getting really angry all of sudden, like full or rage for no apparent reason or if it was for a reason, it wasn't a valid reason to feel the anger and rage I felt. I became severely irritable and mad and ofcourse my best friend, the only one who has helped me through it all, couldn't be there for me. I didn't blame here, but it was very scary and frustraiting to have no help and to feel so helpless. I knew I was hitting a wall and my body was and brain were struggling and I needed help. Well filled with rage, I said some irritable things to my friend, nothing irreparable but very strong worded that I felt like I wasn't getting support that I needed. Whatever I said had a stronger reaction than I thought but all I could think at the time was trying to get through the next moment, one moment at a time. I couldlnt think of anything else.

Anywyas this friend has now disappeared and doesn't trust me, but I have this happen before when Ive struggled. Its probably my fault but I do try to be a good person as much as I can but when I'm struggling and have no help I don't know what to do and lash out I guess at the person closest to me. I feel terrible this has happened but not much I can do at this point.

Anyways, I continued going through withdrawals the second week. I could feel the brain zaps were diminishing which felt like progress but than the panic attack hit me. Out of nowhere I woke up in the middle of the night after taking melatonin like I always did and I woke up in some sort of half awake/half asleep way full of panic and struggling to breathe. I felt like I was going to die or atleast faint and hit my head on something and no one would know. I didn't know what to do. Ive never called 911 before but it felt like the only option I had. Those 15 minutes were the longest in my life or atleast it felt that way. The kind operator kept me calm and dispatched help on the way but I could hardly breathe and felt like I was going to pass out at any moment. my body at this point was shaking uncontrollably like I was freezing, and I couldn't stop it. all I remember is just trying to stay awake/alive until someone got here. I heard a knock on the door, it opened and the first emt that I saw walk in to my room all of a sudden gave me so many mixed emotions and feelings all at once. I felt extremely relieved and so much of the anxiety dissipated as soon I saw help had arrived. also I was struck with embarrasement and guilt at the same time as I had just then realized I wasn't dying and it was a panic attack and extreme anxiety.

They took some tests and talked me through it and told me it was a panic attack. They were extrememely kind. I felt terrible I had wasted their time. But I truly felt like I was going to die. This was a scary wake up call. I knew I had to do something and I was scared it would happen again. The next two nights I would drive 45 minutes to my moms apartment to stay with her and I have no one else here or place to go. I wanted to be around someone. I slept okay that night but the second night only slept a few hours and the panic attack trioed to set in a few times those nights as well but I was able to realize what was happening and ward them . off.

At this point I had to try something else for sleep to maybe replace the Lexapro? that's what I thought. So I started taking zzzquil which is just diphenhydramine like Benadryl. for the next week I would take that and melatonin and would have some success and some relapse of panic attacks throughout the night. during week 3 of being completely off of Lexapro, I could feel that my body was anxiety ritten. Just chalk full of it. I was thinking fast, talking fast and anxious about everything and could not relax no matter what I did or what breathing exercises or meditation.

I continue to try natural approaches and personally feel I am a strong willed person but at the end of week 3 it became too much to handle. I caved in. I felt my body craving the Lexapro and as much as I didn't want to go back on it, I didn't know what else to do. I decided to take an extremely small dose probably .5 mg to 1mg just to see what would happen. Immediately I could feel the anxiety lessen and the first day or two felt like it was the right choice.

Now here we are Monday 5/21/18. It was 10 days ago when I decided this. Since it felt right I continued to take a very small dose approximately 1 mg of Lexapro and the melatonin and now the zzzquil at night. My body and brain have been feeling all sorts of things - headaches all day, brain fog and uncontrollable brain feeling/thoughts at night right before I fade to sleep and yawning all day at work. Ofcourse I started a new job last Monday with delta that I will have to give up since I just cant manage now. This whole last week was probably 4 days of good/ok sleep enough to function/3 days of small panic attacks and anxiety and worry and not great sleep. But I thought this was better than before. I did continue to up the dose slightly each night and last night I think I took 2.5-3mg but its hard to say since I'm pill cutting and they are so small. I thought this was the right thing to do, but last night was the kicker. I was hoping to get sleep to continue my new job today. However I had a severe panic attack much like the one when I called 911. This time I knew what was happening so I didn't call them but it didn't make it any easier. I called my brother just to have someone to talk to. it lasted for about 20 minutes as my body continued to shake uncontrollably and I felt like I couldn't breathe but continued to try to breate and stay calm. This time it didn't go away. I couldn't go to sleep until about 4 am and woke up at 9 and still feel like my brain has this lasting hangover.

Its hard to explain but I feel this imbalance in my body/brain, and I feel like panic can hit me at any time, even after I had some breakfast I felt panic and shortness of breathe so I am now afraid almost to eat or drink anything. I had chicken soup and water and have stayed home from work, called in sick and have called a doctor and will most likely go to the local urgent care tonight.

Here is where I don't know what to do and would welcome and appreciate any input or help. Thank you for reading this far if youre still here. -- I am out of answers and don't know what to do tonight for sleep or if I should still take the Lexapro, or take less of it or if when I see a doctor I should take a new drug - everything seems not so fun and not like a good idea. So I feel like I am stuck.

My health insurance sucks ofcourse my fault, I have some money saved up but that was for all the debt I still have so it will be hard to see that go. I am scarted to take the zzzquiil and have purchased so valerian root, ive heard its good but I'm nervous to take anything new at this point. I hope whoevert I see tonight will have some insight but I am not so sure they will, ive never had much luck with doctors. I am more scared than ive been in a long time.

The last time any of this happened was during my divorce. it was an all time low point in my life. I had been on Seroquel for about 8-9 years, Depakote and lithium for about the same. I found myself not caring about my life and my marriage and everything I knew had ended/ust been taken from me. During this time I had more complications than ever with trying new drugs and coming off of these old ones. Klonopin helped but then I became dependant on it every day and used for over 2 years but I successfully withdrew from that last year, it was hell.

I'm sorry to ramble on. And I'm sorry for everyone who has to deal with this. I feel incredibly hopeless and alone. I feel like I have failed once again at holding a job and becoming self dependant. Once again I am a man who is sick and troubled and always needs help and cant support myself. I hate this feeling. I just want to get better. I have been striving as much as I could over the last 4 years to become healhty, on less drugs, better eating habits, working harder and making enough money to support myself and all the good stuff that ive wanted in a healthy life but I have failed once again.

If you have any input or knowledge of this type of thing or have an idea of what ive done to myself or what I can do I would greatly appreciate your help. Thank you for listening

Edited May 23, 2018 by Petunia
added paragraphs for easier reading

May 23, 2018

Hello cantgetofflexapro1,

I’m glad you decided to share your story. Welcome to the forum. So sorry about everything you are going through, but you have come to a good place for information and support. I also had a difficult time getting off Lexapro because I tapered too fast. We suggest reducing by no more than 10% of the current dose every 4 weeks, this reduces the risk of withdrawal symptoms arising. Please read through this which will explain why:

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

We ask members to put their drug and withdrawal history in the signature section. It appears below each of your posts and helps us to help you. Here are instructions for how to do it:

Please put your withdrawal history in your signature

Its good you have been able to reinstate a small dose. How much are you taking at the moment? For now, keep taking the same amount at the same time every day, this will help your nervous system to become stable again. It's important to not jump around in doses.

Reinstatement of a small amount of the drug can often work well to alleviate withdrawal symptoms. According to medical knowledge, reinstatement is the only way to alleviate withdrawal. Reinstatement is best done immediately upon appearance of symptoms. The more time that passes, the less likely it is to work. Once you have stabilized on a low dose of the drug, then a slower, safer taper can be started. Here is some information about reinstatement to help you understand what to expect: About reinstating and stabilizing to stop withdrawal symptoms

What symptoms are you having now? Please keep notes on paper about your daily symptom pattern.

Here are some tips for successfully tapering off Lexapro, for when you are ready to begin tapering again: Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram)

But I suggest you wait and give yourself plenty of time to re-stabilize before you make any more cuts. Think in terms of months rather than weeks, and wait until you have become symptom free.

Please don't be hard on yourself for not being able to function as you would like, these drugs can do a lot of damage and they have powerful effects which can't be countered no matter how strong willed and determined you might be. Its impossible to function normally when our brain and nervous system has been impaired by the actions of toxic drugs.

There is a lot of good information on this site, but I don't want to overwhelm you with any more links right now. Just know that there is hope, you will be able to get your life back on track if you take things slowly and take the time to understand and learn how to safely come off these drugs.

Please fill in your signature and stay in touch. You can use this thread as your ongoing journal to track progress, write about symptoms, ask questions and communicate with the community, add to it whenever you want. Its a good idea to bookmark it or follow it, so its easy to find again.

Petunia.

May 23, 2018

Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this, so I cant even explain how much the support and help means to me. I will keep in touch and update my progress the best i can.

At this point I feel somewhat on the right path after coming across this website and also coming up with a plan. I was able to get some sleep last night thankfully, and plan on now just taking melatonin and the 1mg of Lexapro. I will take the good advice you gave here and stay on that for the next month and take it every day at the same time, the same dose. I ordered a small scale online to make sure I am taking 1 mg as of now I am cutting the pills and doing my best to make them the same size but I know its around 1 mg. Right now I think I am past the brain zaps which feels like progress but last night I started to have chest pains and chest tightness for the first time so I feel I am on to new symptoms, maybe a new phase of the withdrawal? I am taking it very easy now and taking things very slowly.

Thank you so much Petunia. It means the world to have some support. I appreciate you. Ill be in touch

May 25, 2018

I don’t think I’m gonna make it. I feel like I’m going insane, my mind is flipped upside down. I haven’t slept a second tonight. Yet I slept 8 hours yesterday. I don’t know what to do with all these thoughts and feelings that won’t go away and won’t stay organized. I just lost the only person in this world that I trust and care about. These things seem to happen when I decided to come off medication.im always at my worst. She’s the only one that matters and now she will think I’m crazy like everyone else. And I feel it. I feel so desperate like s beggars pleading her to stay in my life so I don’t die. But I look insane I know I do. I’ve lost everything. I have no job no friends not a person in the world who cares or who doesn’t think I’m crazy. I can’t do it. What do I do, go talk to the local health behavioral system? I’m sure I’ll feel crazier there. I don’t have the means either. I called the help line, it didn’t do anything. I feel like all the people out there that say they are there to help you really aren’t or they can’t. Everyone hates me. No one understands me I’ve felt this way a long time. I thought maybe my friend was different. She said she was and she always seemed to understand. But look what I did, I ruined her life with mine. I was afraid it would happen and I warned her but she wanted to be by my side. Yet that’s what ruined her. My pain is too great I wrote a song about it a year or so ago. It’s how everyone is safer without me, safer from me. She never like the song but now it seems to be true for her. She can hardly talk to me or have me in her life without pain. So here I am again. Am I supposed to believe that it’s not me? Come out of the depths of the darkness once again and become a positive beaming light restored with faith and hope? What’s the point. It always ends the same way. Alone and isolated and thrown away. Having ruined the lives of the people who at a certain time were “blessed” by my life being shared with theirs. Why do I not believe it anymore. I know why. It’s happened too many times to count. So now if I ever come across that time where someone is blessed or happy I’m with them or in their life, I have a hard time thinking they know what they’re talking about. I even warn them now like you might not be thinking that a year or two from now. And they have no idea what I’m talking about. I try not to let them get close cuz I don’t want to ruin more lives. I’m probabaly already ruined for good with all the medications I’ve taken and come off of. What’s the point anymore. Do I talk to talk to someone go to some health service so they can put me on more meds? I’m just a rat

May 25, 2018

Welcome, cantget.

Many people here have been where you are. You're going to need to stay calm. You had severe withdrawal syndrome and it's going to take some time for your nervous system to settle down from the shock. See The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

Symptoms might be weird and frightening, including very dark moods. Remind yourself it's withdrawal syndrome talking. See

Neuro-emotions

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

Deep emotional pain and crying spells, spontaneous weeping

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

On 5/21/2018 at 3:29 PM, cantgetofflexapro1 said:

I decided to take an extremely small dose probably .5 mg to 1mg just to see what would happen. Immediately I could feel the anxiety lessen and the first day or two felt like it was the right choice.

Now here we are Monday 5/21/18. It was 10 days ago when I decided this. Since it felt right I continued to take a very small dose approximately 1 mg of Lexapro

Good call! How are you measuring the Lexapro? Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram) explains how to measure a small dose. It's important you take a consistent dose at the same time each day.

What time of day do you take Lexapro? How do you feel afterward? Do your symptoms have any daily pattern? Are you taking any other drugs.

Please keep daily notes on paper about your symptoms, when you take your drugs, and their dosages. This is important so we can figure out if you're taking the right amount and what it's doing for you.

May 25, 2018

Read you story and am compelled to let you know you are not alone. The Anger/Rage thing seems to be common. I am on a taper of Prozac and Wellbutrin and have slowed waaaay down due to the rage. So here is what's working for me: I am journaling daily and not fighting the rage but doing deep breathing through it and trying to physically "relax". It works and I am ok for a while and then anything, I mean anything can just set it off. I don't attach any meaning to it. I just realize it is my brain healing. I don't try and fix the rage but know that it can and will pass. I never really expressed anger growing up and so it is very uncomfortable for me to want to punch people in the face. I am trying to lighten up about it all and just accept this as part of the process. Also I make sure I am eating enough healthy fats and control caffeine to 3 cups a day. I have periods where I feel no love only a huge ball of hate and rage and like it would give me relief to crash my car into something. I know that is not true so I just try and talk softly to myself and be gentle. Or a call a friend that is understanding and let her know my "hater" is awake and crazy. I do believe in the power of healing and that my body will get better one minute at a time. Lots of love sent to you!

May 25, 2018

Tammylovesdogs - Thank you for writing me and for reading my story. I am in tears at this point, uncontrollable bouts of crying and panic attacks that cause my body to shake and tingle and make it hard to breathe.

Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. I can relate to what you are feeling. I think it lasted for about 5-6 days and the anger and rage turned into other crazy symptoms. But I remember feeling just like you said, wanting to punch people in the face. I think I felt even stronger feelings and just wanted to hurt people with my words and make them feel bad for some reason. it was like someone had sparked this fire inside me. I would get mad at people on the television and I remember getting really upset at this silly stupid game that I play on my phone, that I know is only there when I'm bored and I couldn't care less about it but for some reason I was getting even upset that I was losing some stupid game. Everything was setting me off. It has gone away though, and will for you as well. To me it seems like you might be a little stronger and wiser than me so I think you've got a good plan and are taking care of yourself well and handling it very well. I wish I could explain my "hater" to people, I love that. Your message means a lot, thank you for writing

At this point I am at my wits end. I'm afraid I'm losing the battle. I didn't fall asleep until 8 am and only slept a couple hours. It really messes with my mind. I wake up in the impending doom like I'm going to die, having a struggle to breathe and move with feeling like I'm going to pass out. its almost impossible to shake. I feel like my body is shutting down on me and keeps telling myself youre going to die youre going to die. I'm absolutely pathetic because the only thing that I think of is talking to my friend that doesn't really want to be my friend anymore but I have no one else. I keep thinking if I lose her I might as well lose my life. There would be no reason to keep going especially in the shape I'm in. I am desperate.

I am failing everyone here. Today I think I have to check in somewhere. some hospital, some doctor and I know what that means. I will have to go on another medication. it seems like that is the only way I can get through this. I am not as strong as people here. I wish I never went off the Lexapro. Its ruined everything. I'm so desperate I keep saying ill stay on the medication forever I don't care just make me feel okay again. I never want to go through this again. I feel like there is no way to win. I cant come off this stuff and living forevery always taking medication seems like scarry way to live so I don't know which is better or worse in the long run. I just know I cant hang on much longer. The panic attacks are constant. just like you said, any thought or anything at all can set it off and my body goes into shock.

I've lost my job. I cant work. I'm losing my only friend. And I'm losing my mind with her. I should have been dead years ago anyways. so I can only feel grateful for the the few more years I had.

Thank you for not letting me feel alone, atleast for a moment. I'm sorry I'm letting everyone down.

May 25, 2018

Altostrata- Thank you writing and even caring at all. I don't thinik I deserve it

I measure the Lexapro by eye I guess. I cut the pill in half about 5 times and get it down to as close I can to a small maybe 1 mg size that you can barely see or feel taking. I'm waiting for my tiny scale I ordered to get here so I can measure it exactly. I take it along with 5 mg of melatonin at night around 10;30pm - 11pm. I don't really know how it makes me feel anymore. I don't even know if its helping at all. all I know is I'm scared to take any more because last time I did it was too much, I could feel the serotonin syndrome people describe and that was scary. I don't know if it was scarier than the panic attack and how I feel now. I don't know what is worse anymore. I don't feel much after I take it. I just try to go to sleep. Some night I get lucky I guess. the stars seems to align and I sleep through the night. Most times I cant sleep at all or if I do, I wake up in sheer panic like I cant breathe very shortly after I had fallen asleep.

My stomach is in knot after knot after knot. My body feels like its rejecting itself. I cant think straight. I feel weak walk and sore like I would if I had worked out at the gym. NOthing seems to make sense at this point. To answer your question, the symptoms happen randomly but I would say mostly at night time. I live alone. I feel the fear and panic creep every so slightly at night because I know I cant sleep and if I don't I will go crazy like today and that usually is when I have the attacks. and my brain cant shake the feeling that I'm going to be alone and no one is around to help me if something goes wrong.

I am taking fish oil and vitamin d3. I don't know how much that is helping.

Altostrata - thank you for caring

I'm sorry to let everyone down

May 25, 2018

You have withdrawal syndrome. Stay calm. Many people here have been where you are and gotten through it. Please answer questions from the staff, it's important.

When you reinstated 1mg Lexapro, that helped initially, correct? Did the symptoms get worse again?

Read this to measure Lexapro more carefully. You can make a liquid, or get one by prescription. It's important you take a consistent dose at the same time each day. Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram)

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

What time of day do you take Lexapro? How do you feel afterward? Do your symptoms have any daily pattern? Are you taking any other drugs.

Please keep daily notes on paper about your symptoms, when you take your drugs, and their dosages. This is important so we can figure out if you're taking the right amount and what it's doing for you.

May 25, 2018

altostrata- yes, I remember it helping at first. but I probably ruined it. I was trying to get ready and feel good enough for a new job and I started to up the dose each day but when that went wrong I immediately found this site and started to stick with the plan of taking a small small amount like I am now. It was helping at first I know it was. At this point I don't know if anything is helping. its my own fault. I cant control the panic and anxiety it feels impossible and I cant seem to get any consistent amount of sleep so I know that's making everything worse. All I want is for someone to knock me out for a few days. Give me some drug that would do that. But as relieving as that sounds it scares me to think what might happen at this point taking any other drug at any dose. I feel like the walking dead. I don't know what to do or if there is even an answer. the only person who can keep me calm is leaving my life. That's my fault so that's just added stress and worry/fear for me during a time I need someone to calm me the most. I get really scared every night. I don't know who or what to trust anymore. I'm sorry to be doing this. I don't want to hurt anyone or waste their time. sorry if I'm not making sense

May 25, 2018

Hey.

Also wanted to stop by and tell you that you aren't alone. There are lots of us here.

Each of us struggling with something a little bit different, and a lot the same.

I'm also struggling with panic right now.

Along with a host of other symptoms.

I noticed you've picked 'cantgetofflexapro' as your username.

But you can.

It will just take time.

I remember these feelings you describe:

The feeling that I've tried before, and failed.

And tried, and failed.

So now I'm useless and worthless, and I can't do this,

and nobody loves me, and I just hurt them, and...

I'm not mocking you. I've been there.

I really get it. I do.

I still feel that way sometimes.

Okay, a lot more often than I'd like.

My sixty-something year old mother, with diabetes

and a heart condition, is in better shape than I am right now.

It sucks.

But I'm on the road to healing.

And this forum is perhaps the first place,

where being weird, for the first time, feels almost normal.

We all get discouraged sometimes.

But we're here to encourage each other.

I highly recommend you read the success story of Pug, found here:

It's one of the things that I've personally come back to,

time and again, to encourage me on my own road to healing.

On page two, there is a great post he wrote about the

waterfall ahead. Really, I just went to look for it, and so

much of that thread is so helpful to read when you are

discouraged.

But I've gone and found the waterfall post for you.

Just in case going to read the thread is too much for you right now.

I hope this, and all I have said, will serve as encouragement for you.

If I was walking ahead of you on a hike and I got to a beautiful waterfall and I texted you real quick, “Nena isn’t this waterfall amazing!?” You would text back, “pug, maybe it is but I can’t see it yet!” And that is how recovery is; I am telling you the waterfall is amazing because I am here looking at it, and I need you to trust me and keep hiking until you get here to see it! It doesn’t matter if you think negative thoughts or bad thoughts along the trail, as long as you keep hiking you are going to get here eventually to see what I am seeing!

Throughout recovery I have worked hard to keep a positive outlook and think “good” thoughts, but it has often times been impossible and I have devolved into anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness and all manner of negative thoughts and processes. But, I have kept hiking and I have made it to the first amazing waterfall, and I know there are more to come!

Forgive yourself for all the negativity and bad thoughts, the worrying and constant doubts, they are all part of the recovery process just like a runny nose is part of having the flu. Accept it as a symptom and as a sign of healing while you work to see things in a more positive light. Even though I had so many bad, bad thoughts and hours, days, weeks and months spent in a negative space, I have healed and continue to heal and a positive, hopeful mind frame and outlook has returned and is becoming more a part of me each day.

Just keep going! Don’t quit! You can do this!

Aaand we're back to me.

I really hope that helps you.

I know for me, knowing that anxiety and depression are both

normal symptoms of withdrawal, is quite comforting to me.

Not that I want to have to go through it, but then when I do,

I know that it's not the end. It's not final. It's a step.

On the path to the waterfall.

And the next waterfall is even more spectacular.

Trust me. I haven't seen it yet, but I know some friends who have.

They are on the path ahead, and they texted me about it.

I hope you have a better day (and night!)

Waterfall.

May 25, 2018

Waterfall- I have to tell you how grateful I am for you sharing this story with me and sharing your words of encouragement and support. this is such an amazing website I wish I had found it sooner. I hope I can get through this to tell people how amazing the waterfall is, but I feel like I'm so far away right now.

I have been crying like a baby all day off and on, it comes in waves. I'm starting to feel less alone in this, and I thank you for that. each day I try to feel normal for a moment. it makes it hard when I actually achieve that brief feeling because I know as soon as the night comes, I wont be. I'm scared for the night to come now. I don't want to go through another night like this. no sleep and full of panic and pain and fear pulsing through my body.

I will remember this story to give me hope when I need it, which is quite often these days. Thank you again for being so kind and for sharing this with me

May 26, 2018

Hi again,

I would rather call you CAN (getofflexapro) 🙂

Its great to see you have met some of our members now and don't feel so alone in all of this. You're definitely not alone, all you have to do is read though other members intro threads to see that. When I was going through the worst of it, that's how I spent most of my time, when I was able to put on my computer and read.

Sending you some virtual hugs, you're gonna get through this.

P.

May 26, 2018

Thank you Petunia - I have to say I am overwhelmed with gratitude and quite shocked frankly, by all the love and support I am feeling from everyone. I'm so grateful I have found you guys. I have a little hope now that wasn't there before. I want to get through this. I'm doing my best right now. just about an hour ago I had this slight feeling or a thought, it was like happiness had just graced me for a brief moment. I felt relaxed and calm for the first time all day. I don't know where it came from or why but I was just grateful to feel it for a brief second because I haven't felt it at all in a long time.

Thank you for sharing your stories, and for reading mine. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to leave such nice words and comments. Thank you so much

(maybe I'll be able to change my name some day, to can get off Lexapro)

May 26, 2018

Hey everyone,

I want to update a little bit. I was able to sleep about 6-7 hours last night which I know my body needed so that was really good for me. I had to take some Benadryl, I wasn't falling asleep and knew I needed it. It helped me sleep and I'm so grateful. Today has been another whirlwind day. Thoughts and feelings coming and going and crying sproradtically throughout the day. I know I need help right now. And If I could, I need you guys here again if you can me with what I'm facing at the moment, please

I'm a little worried how I am going to carry on right now, yes it has a lot to do with the withdrawal I'm going through from the Lexapro, its only making things more unstable. But being hit and taking such a personal blow at the same time is really just too much. I can feel myself already unhinged, hanging by a threat of sanity. going through the withdrawal and having to quit my job is a lot on its own. But now, as my friend and girlfriend is needing time and space away from me and her not being about to be here, I feel I'm going to come completely unglued. She is the only reason I haven't had to check in to a hospital while coming off some meds I was already on. She is the only reason I was able to get through it all and keep a healthy life going. Her friendship coming to a stop, and really its a possible end forever, leaves me without a safety net. And it leaves me with heartbreak all on top of everything that's going on. As everything reminds me of her, and my thoughts and hopes and things for the future keep coming crashing down in front of me each day. Its all too much right now.

Can you tell me what you think I should do? I could use some encouragement. Or tell me your story. I know that I can get through this as I did already after my divorce. It was the hardest thing I went through as I came off all the other drugs at the same time it happened. But I know the other side now, I know I can get healthy again and meet new people and make new friends and relationships. But right now I have no way to do it and no health so I'm scared. And I am in crisis, needing to talk to someone every day but I know that all I have is my mom. I have no friends and my family is not one I am close to, and cant trust anyone other than my mom so I don't have the typical support system in my life. As well as now not having a job, pretty much takes everything I need out of the equation. So again I'm just very desperate. Ofcourse the withdrawal of Lexapro is hard on its own, sleep is evading me and ofcourse going through all the other symptoms just leaves me with almost no sense of sanity or normality.

I have called the crisis line here and the man kind of layed everything out for me, please tell me what you think-

He told me I have a few options.

1 - I could check in to the emergency room and they would admit me and be of immediate help but I don't know all of what they would entail ( phsyche wards etc) Scares me

2- He said I could go to the CRU right now, I think its crisis something something. its a local center here. He said that is where they would evaluate me and stabilize me with medication, and group therapy and they would monitor me for 24-48 hours and then I could maybe come home. He said its scary for some people and can feel very intrusive?. I have never done that before and it scares the hell out of me

3 - the third optioin is that I could wait until Tuesday, then go to the behavioral health center where he works. He said there they would be able to talk to me and check me in and he said there is more choice there where he said if I didn't want to use medication I didn have to . And they have therapists and people that could help me and lay out a plan. This option seems better to me

I asked what is the normal route? Because for me, I said, I just need a friend. I just need support like I get here. But someone to talk to, to talk my feelilngs and thoughts out about whats happening in my life right now. Someone who could guide me maybe but more importantly just listen, and grieve with me. My friend meant the world to me in so many ways. She was my foundation. I know I can meet other people in the future but right now I don't have a foundation and she cant be there for me and sadly I think wants out of my life for good. So I just need to talk to someone.

I told him that's more of my crisis right now. Ofcourse he asked about medication so I told him about weaning off the lexapo and I doubt he thought that was good. But I don't care I told him this is the path I'm taking and this is my choice and that I know doctors and some people think differently and don't support it. But he said he could tell I was in sound mind and I told him I'm staying with my mom since I don't want to be alone and he said if you can do that until Tuesday it would be a good plan.

I'm really scared though. I'm scared to end up in a strange place with people forcing me to take medications. Espeically when I'm so close to the end here with being off all the medications ive been on for so long. It would be detrimental. I don't think I could survive it.

But please tell me what you think? Maybe some ideas you have or things I can do?

I know staying busy is important and just doing things I like to do. And maybe reaching out to some local groups or getting involved insomething, I know that has helped before. I also am trying to figure out a therapist because I think that would be helpful.

Please respond if you can. Thank you so much

May 26, 2018

You are going though a lot, with disappointment about your job and girlfriend. You might want to post in our Relationships forum.

Distress over this is normal. Sometimes emotions are not pleasant. But if you adopt a Zen attitude, you will notice they come and go. This is an intensely emotional time but shortly, it will be a memory and you will be concerned about other matters.

You will have bad patches in life. Sometimes, you will need to face them alone. You need to learn to self-soothe. Many of our members have learned meditation and found it to be very helpful in times of trouble.

Often, helping others can take your mind off your own problems.

Read these carefully:

Neuro-emotions

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

Deep emotional pain and crying spells, spontaneous weeping

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

May 26, 2018

Thank you ALtostrata - I know these things would normally help me. But I think I'm too far past anything like this now. My body needs to calm down. and I cant seem to do it with meditating or anything else. I think I need to take like a Xanax or something or even just a little bit of a pill or klonopin. My body I feel just needs to rest. Instead of uncontrollable cycling through all this sadness and over worrying. Do you think it would be okay If I just saw a doctor after the weekend and take something like Xanax to help me cope with everything?

I'm thinking that is what I should do but I'm not sure. It feels like the anxiety is just completely out of control and is spiraling my life. I cant even function so I hate to think I need another drug to help me but I think that's as desperate as I am. That's where I am. I think if I could just rest enough and maybe have some Xanax for when the anxiety gets out of control or I'm about to have a panic attack, I might be able to function atelast with all that's going on. What do you think?

May 26, 2018

How about taking a bath with Epsom salts? You might be pleasantly surprised. Epsom salts contain magnesium.

Many people do better with fish oil and magnesium supplements, see
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

http://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

A lot of people find them helpful. Try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you.

June 24, 2018

Hey guys,

Just wanted to give you an update and let you know that i appreciate your support and time you took to even respond to rants.

Today i feel extrememely suicidal as i have now for the past few days. Its not going anyway, i remember this before. No one gets it or understands and if i even say those words they are compelled by law to do something i do not want them to do, my therapist even warned me about it in the first session, yes i have a therapist. I have seen her two times now. I dont feel much withdrawal anymore from the lexapro, but i dont feel as victorious as i thought i would. I feel like dying instead. I feel like i have no reason i exist anymore, no purpose. and i feel like something is broken in my brain and maybe has been for awhile. I mean it feels like ive been running from this feeling now as long as i can remember, around 14-15 years now. getting married was a great diversion from it, thought maybe it wouldnt come back, but the divorce brought it back in avengeance. And i remember when i met my girl friend a few years ago, it went away only to come back again. Itll keep chasing me. I am coward. I think i will have to go back on some type of medication. Any doctor i tell or crisis line i call and i am honest to, will say thats the only solution, as it already keeps happening. I keep running away from more medication as well. So i dont really know what im doing anymore. My docotor gave me hydroxyzine for anxiety/sleep. i dont feel the anxiety going away but i did sleep until 1pm today, guess that helps? i mean not sleeping really messes me up so it does help. But honestly i still feel like dying every day. Now is this normal? or is it a mental illness/disease? i wish after all these years i had an answer to that question. I really thought i did have it figured out a few years ago after survivng the divorce and feeling stronger. but as i sit here today i have just confusion. Illness of my brain? something i was born with? something i created or just created itself inside me as i got older? normal feelings after breakups/job loss that everyone experiences?

i have no idea anymore. I cant feel much or trust much or believe in much. I feel like my soul is sick. my body is weak.

I quit another job yesterday. I am a failure. I am a quitter. i can hear the chatter. I feel like that has been an underlying feeling for awhile that people think about me and how i feel or am made to feel, lazy loser.

If i go on medication, i am sorry. I have failed again. All that work to get of them, down the drain. Is there an answer? maybe. Maybe its inside of me like they say, inside of each and everyone of us. Well i cant find it inside. and i dont know if i want to keep looking anymore. My body is tired, my mind weak and there is a storm inside me that rages and has no give. I feel sick to my body/soul i dont know how to describe it.

I feel like everything is breaking around me and inside of me, even if it may not be. But i know i keep failing. I have to give up the apartment soon. I am loner i know. No friends, just a dog and an expensive, out of my budget apartment. Ill lose my dog and every feeling of independence i had gained. I cant lose it but i cant afford it. why do i suck at money and always have all my life, oh wait i konw. because something is wrong with my brain, and ive never been able to keep jobs, because my mental health has always sucked. and when the health goes, the job and money go, and i become worthless again, only to try to keep moving forward to gain some ground and fall back on my ass as i always do. So the money is gone because the health is gone again. I feel like the walking dead again. Hate everyone around me, no one gets it or understands. I dont want to look at people or say a word. is this kind of life really worth living? im truly questioning that these days.

Sorry to burden you all. Ive been a burden all my life to everyone i know. I dont want to be anymore.

I wish for nothing but strength for all of you on this journey. i pray you are stronger than i am.

June 24, 2018

You are NOT a failure. This is a temporary situation due to the drug withdrawal. You will get better . You are NOT alone. All of us here understand what you are going through. Everyone who has read your story as I have cares about you and wants you to feel better.

Turn to people here, get support, get better and eventually you will be back to where you want to be and stronger than ever before. And then you can pay it forward and help others here on the forum or in your day to day life.

If the friend is a true friend and your friendship is meant to be then you will get back to that friend some day. Or you will find new friends. There are many lonely people looking for friends. If you want to find a friend when you feel better reach out and be a friend to someone and you will once again have meaningful connections.

Have you ever read books by Norman Vincent Peale? Get a copy of the power of positive thinking and read it or listen to it on audio books. If you have already read it now is the time to reread it again.

Be compassionate to yourself. Have faith.

June 24, 2018

On 5/26/2018 at 6:24 PM, cantgetofflexapro1 said:

But I think I'm too far past anything like this now. My body needs to calm down. and I cant seem to do it with meditating or anything else. I think I need to take like a Xanax or something or even just a little bit of a pill or klonopin. My body I feel just needs to rest. Instead of uncontrollable cycling through all this sadness and over worrying. Do you think it would be okay If I just saw a doctor after the weekend and take something like Xanax to help me cope with everything?

hi just saw your story now, I can tell you that you are NOT weak, you are NOT a failure and you CAN get off lexapro and all drugs if you want to do it.

You ARE STRONG

unfortunately you're up against a bully, if you will- lexapro is one of, if not the most strong of all the antidepressants.

It took me at least 4 times but I have finally gotten off of lexapro after over 12 yrs on it, and at some pretty high doses (up to 40mgs at one point)

every time I tried to go off, I got such bad symptoms, and my dr always told me that my "illness" was back and now even worse, so ,

terrified, I went back on the lexapro

but I've been totally off it about 8 mos now and I'm doing great!!
it was, however, a hard road getting where I am now.

but it's totally DO ABLE and you will get thru this , you will. Please stop saying that you're failing- that actually can set you up to fail.

It won't do anything to help you succeed, ok??

16 hours ago, cantgetofflexapro1 said:

Any doctor i tell or crisis line i call and i am honest to, will say thats the only solution, as it already keeps happening. I keep running away from more medication as well. So i dont really know what im doing anymore. My docotor gave me hydroxyzine for anxiety/sleep. i dont feel the anxiety going away but i did sleep until 1pm today, guess that helps? i mean not sleeping really messes me up so it does help. But honestly i still feel like dying every day. Now is this normal? or is it a mental illness/disease? i wish after all these years i had an answer to that question. I really thought i did have it figured out a few years ago after survivng the divorce and feeling stronger. but as i sit here today i have just confusion. Illness of my brain? something i was born with? something i created or just created itself inside me as i got older? normal feelings after breakups/job loss that everyone experiences?

this is a very common thing in withdrawal. VERY COMMON. it's just a feeling manufactured by your brain trying to get itself back to it's pre drugged state.

It is not a brain illness.

it is actually your brain HEALING from the chemical changes that the drug made to it. it feels awful, I know, but it's a good sign that things are progressing the way they need to.

I am so sorry you are going thru this but you can and will get thru it.

the anxiety is going to probably be with you for awhile, so finding ways to soothe yourself and ways to distract yourself will be very helpful

coming here and asking for encouragement and support is a good idea too. Try reading some of the success stories, they will help remind you that many ppl have gone thru what you are going thru and made it to the other side and have a great life now.

you are going to make it too.

most of what you are experiencing is just the drug withdrawal and recovery.

how are you doing today?

June 25, 2018

23 hours ago, cantgetofflexapro1 said:

Hey guys,

Just wanted to give you an update and let you know that i appreciate your support and time you took to even respond to rants.

Today i feel extrememely suicidal as i have now for the past few days. Its not going anyway, i remember this before. No one gets it or understands and if i even say those words they are compelled by law to do something i do not want them to do, my therapist even warned me about it in the first session, yes i have a therapist. I have seen her two times now. I dont feel much withdrawal anymore from the lexapro, but i dont feel as victorious as i thought i would. I feel like dying instead. I feel like i have no reason i exist anymore, no purpose. and i feel like something is broken in my brain and maybe has been for awhile. I mean it feels like ive been running from this feeling now as long as i can remember, around 14-15 years now. getting married was a great diversion from it, thought maybe it wouldnt come back, but the divorce brought it back in avengeance. And i remember when i met my girl friend a few years ago, it went away only to come back again. Itll keep chasing me. I am coward. I think i will have to go back on some type of medication. Any doctor i tell or crisis line i call and i am honest to, will say thats the only solution, as it already keeps happening. I keep running away from more medication as well. So i dont really know what im doing anymore. My docotor gave me hydroxyzine for anxiety/sleep. i dont feel the anxiety going away but i did sleep until 1pm today, guess that helps? i mean not sleeping really messes me up so it does help. But honestly i still feel like dying every day. Now is this normal? or is it a mental illness/disease? i wish after all these years i had an answer to that question. I really thought i did have it figured out a few years ago after survivng the divorce and feeling stronger. but as i sit here today i have just confusion. Illness of my brain? something i was born with? something i created or just created itself inside me as i got older? normal feelings after breakups/job loss that everyone experiences?

i have no idea anymore. I cant feel much or trust much or believe in much. I feel like my soul is sick. my body is weak.

I quit another job yesterday. I am a failure. I am a quitter. i can hear the chatter. I feel like that has been an underlying feeling for awhile that people think about me and how i feel or am made to feel, lazy loser.

If i go on medication, i am sorry. I have failed again. All that work to get of them, down the drain. Is there an answer? maybe. Maybe its inside of me like they say, inside of each and everyone of us. Well i cant find it inside. and i dont know if i want to keep looking anymore. My body is tired, my mind weak and there is a storm inside me that rages and has no give. I feel sick to my body/soul i dont know how to describe it.

...

Sorry to burden you all. Ive been a burden all my life to everyone i know. I dont want to be anymore.

I wish for nothing but strength for all of you on this journey. i pray you are stronger than i am.

I just reread your post.i hope you are feeling better today though you did not seem to be online today. If you are still feeling as you described ie please do get help from someone in person. Call your therapist, call a helpline, go to a hospital.

Thinking of you,

June 25, 2018

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so unwell.

Sending virtual hugs.

B

June 25, 2018

On 6/23/2018 at 6:00 PM, cantgetofflexapro1 said:

I quit another job yesterday. I am a failure. I am a quitter. i can hear the chatter. I feel like that has been an underlying feeling for awhile that people think about me and how i feel or am made to feel, lazy loser.

What chatter?

People have different reactions to the reality of withdrawal syndrome, which is very difficult for everyone. Your reaction seems to be self-blame, self-criticism, and self-condemnation. These are old habits of thought. You can stop them if you wish. Strongly recommend you read the links you've been given about non-drug coping skills, because you're going to need them, withdrawal syndrome or not.

Such as these links:

On 5/25/2018 at 11:08 AM, Altostrata said:

Welcome, cantget.

Many people here have been where you are. You're going to need to stay calm. You had severe withdrawal syndrome and it's going to take some time for your nervous system to settle down from the shock. See The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

Symptoms might be weird and frightening, including very dark moods. Remind yourself it's withdrawal syndrome talking. See

Neuro-emotions

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

Deep emotional pain and crying spells, spontaneous weeping

Health anxiety, hypochondria, and obsession with symptoms

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

Good call! How are you measuring the Lexapro? Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram) explains how to measure a small dose. It's important you take a consistent dose at the same time each day.

What time of day do you take Lexapro? How do you feel afterward? Do your symptoms have any daily pattern? Are you taking any other drugs.

Please keep daily notes on paper about your symptoms, when you take your drugs, and their dosages. This is important so we can figure out if you're taking the right amount and what it's doing for you.

I still need the information requested above. Please keep daily notes.

Are you still taking 1mg Lexapro?

January 26, 2019

Hi cantgetofflexapro,

How are you doing?💚

cantgetofflexapro1: I need some support and want to share my story

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