CallaLily: Liberty, at long last...

[CallaLily]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm going to begin this post by saying that this website helped to save my life... so, thank you SA for your members, moderators and the many posts that confirmed for me that I wasn't "crazy" and empowered me to find and live my own truth. I had a different profile back then and was a regular visitor (2015/2016) and then I (unexpectedly) went "underground". It was the most tumultuous time of my life but one that I'm very proud of, that I survived it and continue to heal and better understand myself. In a nutshell, it took me three years to be free and one year to taper.

 

Here's a quick overview of 2016 - the year that changed everything:

 

Lithium (1000mg) - I began tapering in February '16 and was finally free, 17 December '16 - I had been on this dosage since April 2013 (almost three years)

(Abilify: (5mg) - no taper offered by the p-doc, I was instantly "switched" to Lamictal in 2015) 

(Lamictal (50mg) - I tapered along with the lithium, basically halved/quartered the tabs and "jumped off" in May 2016)

 

Did I follow the advice of the 10% taper "rule of thumb"? No - I have a high tolerance to medication and wanted to do it my way.

 

My p-doc directed me to take 2 lithium tabs, morning (500mg) and night (500mg)  - so, I bought myself a pill cutter and began by taking 1 and 3/4 tabs (450mg) in the morning and 2 (500mg) at night which I held for a month (Feb/Mar) = 950mg in total

 

Then, I tapered to 1 + 3/4 tabs (450mg) morning and night (Mar/Apr) = 900mg in total

 

1 + 1/2 tabs morning / 1 + 3/4 tabs nightly (Apr/May) = 825mg in total

 

And then, I got a little too confident, as up to that point I hadn't experienced any withdrawal symptoms. So, I took the leap and stopped taking all medication - I was at 825mg when I stopped.

 

During June 2016, everything came "up and out" of me with great force. All of my anger. All of my hate. All of my sadness and longing... all of those "negative" emotions were finally free to be expressed but! I hadn't yet mastered the art of harnessing them or expressing them healthfully. I began feeling exceptionally anxious and paranoid until one day it all overwhelmed me. So, I checked myself into hospital. It was hilarious because I had to convince them to admit me because I didn't "display signs of mental illness"... I had to rely on my previous hospitalisation as evidence to get my feet in the door. 

 

Anyway - they placed me back on 1000mg of lithium and tsk-tsked at my attempts for wanting to be drug free. I learned a LOT about self advocacy during my hospitalisation (a story for another time) but essentially had to "play the game", take their drugs and get well enough to go home. I was in hospital for almost a month and returned to work a few days after being discharged.

 

I knew that I'd jumped too soon but I also knew that my "break-down" was a necessary part of my development. It meant more to me than just:

 

"Oh, I stopped too soon and that's why I wigged out"

 

It was essential that I went through what I did (again, a story for another time). I wouldn't have the insight I have now about my life, had it not happened... so, I carry NO shame about my haste... and neither should anyone else, if they've done similar.

 

However, to anyone reading this: jumping off early is not something I recommend. It just happened that way for me and I'm lucky to have benefited greatly for having done so... 

 

I began tapering again upon my release from hospital and immediately (bravely!) dropped to 750mg and followed the same tapering method (as above) but took my time - I went "by feel"... if I genuinely felt okay after a 2 week hold, then I would reduce and hold again until I felt it was safe to taper again. I made it a rule that I had to hold for a minimum of 2 weeks - so, it took me about 5 months to finally reach a point where I was shaving off a bit of pill with my front teeth and on the 17th December 2016 (the day of my 40th birthday party), I jumped off for good and have been free of all psych-drugs since.

 

I fired my p-doc (that's right, "fired') in the January of 2016 and completed the taper on my own (with only one of my best friends knowing about it). I found that (historically) too many opinions got in the way of my healing... I'm a recovering "over-sharer" so, to pull back and be intensely private during this time was something I'd never experienced before. I was fortunate enough that I could truly be alone - I was single, lived on my own and had no dependants. "Going underground" meant that I could focus on some of my deepest traumas and begin to heal and honour them.

 

What did I learn about myself and this entire experience? What are some of my (humble) opinions/insights?

 

1. I am a determined and highly sensitive human being
2. I can throw away my diagnosis and any labels associated with it
3. I can take my time! There's no rush to "get there"... enjoy the moment / journey
4. I have childhood trauma and it's being resolved and healed every day
5. The term "mental illness" is an erroneous term that doesn't encapsulate the complexity of what it is to be human (!!!)
6. Most "mental illnesses" stem from emotional dis-regulation, trauma and stress
7. The "chemical imbalance of the brain" theory applies to a very small minority NOT the majority - and for me was absolutely bogus!
8. Psych-drugs are very powerful and must be treated with respect, especially when tapering
9. People (the world over!) are being conditioned to believe that they are "ill" and that a pill will "fix" them
10. Everyone is different and should be allowed to choose if they are medicated or not - people should be encouraged to be drug-free (!!!) 
11. And at the same time: It's okay to be on medication! Throw away that shame! 
12. Walking away (and staying away!) from emotional, spiritual and intellectual abuse isn't easy... but it's worth it
13. The internet is a wonderful source of information and connectivity but it's up to me to sift through what appeals and what doesn't
14. Self advocacy - I decide what's best for me. I make the choices and decisions for my life! I accept that sometimes outcomes might not be favourable to me, but I "own it", adjust my course and keep going...

 

I read Pete Walker's books on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Lisa A. Romano's tomes on codependency and narcissism. I watched Will Hall and Daniel Mackler (Healing Voices et al) on YouTube . "The Harm Reduction Guide" (Will Hall - free download!) is something that every single person on this planet needs to read. I also watched Sean Blackwell's videos on "Bipolar or Waking Up?" which truly refreshed my perspective on what was happening to and for me. I had lots of showers (I'm not "into" baths); I wrote music and finished recording my album (it had been 4 years in the making); I changed my name; I ate well; stopped smoking cigarettes and drinking; got lots of sleep; cried A LOT; raged A LOT; wrote short stories and did lots of colouring in; practised mindfulness and did some meditation and lots of yoga; and, I also greatly reduced my social media activity. 

 

I continue to do most of these things today.

 

It's been nearly 18 months since I stopped taking psych-drugs and my life has exponentially gotten better and continues to - I have learned to manage my anxiety and paranoia when they (rarely) crop up by sitting with my feelings and actually feeling them - rather than running away from them with dissociation, alcohol, recreational drugs or distraction. No thought or feeling is off limits within me. I choose what to focus on and if I need to have a good cry, I will. If I'm at work and I need to cry, I take myself off to a meeting room and cry (silently). I feel SO much better after doing so. Sometimes I take sick leave if I'm feeling fragile and tell the boss "I have a migraine". It's no one's business but my own and I will do everything in my power to hold myself in the highest esteem. I CARE about how I feel and I listen to myself now - even if what I "hear" isn't savoury. This is all about radical self acceptance, no matter what.

 

I'm now happily married and we recently became the guardians of two beautiful felines. We moved house so, live closer to our friends/work/play and are now far away from the toxic "family" unit. I occasionally imbibe but generally enjoy my sobriety - I rarely take paracetamol or ibuprofen and prefer to feel my pain and honour it and "go through it" rather than avoid. I now enjoy a very quiet and private life.

 

If you've read this far and are going through your own taper journey (or are about to embark!), please know you're not alone... You can do it! Please take your time (you are worthy of the time it takes to heal!) and please... learn to love your beautiful self... it's so naff and corny (and a lot easier said than done!) but... it's the biggest and most important love one will ever experience in this lifetime - this is the ultimate relationship!

 

Much love and thanks for reading,

CallaLily xx

 

“While expertise on mending a broken leg is appropriate for medical authority, mending a broken heart, dealing with emotions, traumas, life problems, and life changes is more than a medical procedure. This is a human process that needs supportive relationships, emotional expression, and listening, not an attitude of fixing a machine.” - Will Hall

 

[Petunia]

Hi CallaLilly,

Congratulations on your recovery and thank you for sharing your inspiring story. Its wonderful how this experience has been a catalyst for such a deep and life changing healing journey for you. Sometimes, our most difficult challenges can lead us through our greatest transformations. Sean Blackwell's videos where what led me into my final awakening and a complete change of world view. His work is amazing.

 

When you finally jumped off your last dose at the end of 2016, did you experience any withdrawal symptoms after that?

[JanCarol]

Wow Calla - Welcome!

 

We're always a little wary of people who pop up and go straight to Success Stories - but thank you for doing so!  18 months off drugs is SUPER respectable, and I can see from here that you've got the non-drug toolkit in spades! 

 

It's so great to hear how well you are doing!

 

I was still questioning the bipolar diagnonsense when I saw the Sean Blackwell vids.  I even spoke to him once, because I was so afraid to taper.  Then I found Surviving Antidepressants, and got the support I needed.

 

Have you heard of Shades of Awakening?  It's a group (currently in magazine format, but they sometimes have interviews and presentations - something coming up with Sounds True) that explores the relationship between extreme states and spirituality.  http://shadesofawakening.com/  

 

I hear you about sometimes needing to go through a thing - it's actually the most thorough way to learn a thing.  However, not many people have the fortitude, resilience, or ability to tolerate distress to do it the way you did it.  There are a few of us who use the extreme states to learn - but I'm afraid most of us just "survive" the extreme states on the way to balance.

 

I, too, would love to hear what your journey was like from 2016 to present.

 

And - as a matter of protocol, could you please put in a simple signature, something that says, "Off lithium and Lamictal since May 2016" just to let folks know when you post - where you are coming from.  

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.  

 

I hope you see the sun today!

[Altostrata]

Congratulations, CallaLily! Thanks for coming back and letting us know you're doing well. I hope you continue to post -- our people who are taking lithium always appreciate hearing from another veteran. (Go to the Introductions forum and search for "lithium" -- you'll see them.)

 

Did you post here before? What was your screen name then? I will connect the two accounts.

[CallaLily]

13 hours ago, Petunia said:

Hi CallaLilly,

Congratulations on your recovery and thank you for sharing your inspiring story. Its wonderful how this experience has been a catalyst for such a deep and life changing healing journey for you. Sometimes, our most difficult challenges can lead us through our greatest transformations. Sean Blackwell's videos where what led me into my final awakening and a complete change of world view. His work is amazing.

 

When you finally jumped off your last dose at the end of 2016, did you experience any withdrawal symptoms after that?

 

Thanks Petunia  

 

Sean Blackwell was a ray of hope for me (so glad I'm not the only one!) I was desperate to find others who found their "extreme states" empowering, powerful and life changing - through his work, I stumbled across Mad In America and then this site... Every "breakthrough" I've had, I opened up. I awoke. I saw the truth of my life and there was no turning back. In fact, my depression (which had been haunting me since my late teens) came into full effect mid 2013 (after my first "breakthrough"). I had a host of people around me who were telling me what my experience was and tried to explain away my "symptoms". And for awhile, I drank the Kool Aid but I became even more despondent. I soon realised that I had to shuck everyone's opinions and go my own way and KNOW that what I had been through was deeply profound and sometimes illogical (to others) and that's okay... and that "over-sharing" my experience actually cheapened it... sometimes there really are no words and (back then) I wanted to explain what happened to and for me but (haha) no one was listening... and then I "got it"... these messages and insight weren't meant for anyone BUT me... so, I've stopped explaining it away... I'm still piecing together and find incredible value from the experiences - Listening to my heart, it was painful to see how "abusive to the self" I had been. It took a few breakdowns to get to the bottom of what I really needed and wanted... freedom from my "family" who, by the way, were VERY happy to see me medicated! It's kinda scary looking back at it now and how close I was to being spiritually murdered - no word of a lie.

 

To answer your question about withdrawal symptoms after Dec 2016 - in all honesty? I didn't experience much. I get triggered every now and then, due to CPTSD, but I didn't (and don't) attribute that to withdrawal. If there's something that's frightening me or making me sad or angry and I feel overwhelmed by that, I know that those feelings need to come up and out of me... trauma is a very complex thing to recover from and recovery is a lifetime commitment. I do a lot of loving self-talk, meditation and prayer to get me through. This is a daily practise, though... I don't just speak lovingly to myself when the sh1t hits the fan... I do it every day... it's fricken hard work but it's working and has gotten me through some really tough times. When I was finally free, my sleep returned to normal, my stomach (which had hardened from the lithium) became her usual soft self again (my abs are implied haha) and my body, mind, heart and soul are in communion with one another... sure, they argue sometimes but, they're talking and that's a very good thing...  

 

Everyone is different and I know there are plenty of people on this site who are doing it really tough - experiencing feelings/states that seem to come up from out of nowhere as they taper... my humble theory is that, if it's not there in the first place, it won't create itself out of nothing... the drugs mask a lot of our traumas and numb us. When we withdraw from them, those feelings have to be felt (as an example). Some aren't ready or are surprised by that and that's okay! My breakdowns (as complex as they all were) had a withdrawal factor to drugs involved. It's not black and white... there is a kaleidoscope of meaning involved with what we go through and shouldn't ever be attributed to just one thing... ya know?  When someone's experiencing brain zaps and lack of sleep? That's effing tough! I know what brain zaps and lack of sleep feel like (experienced during my breakthroughs). It's a physical manifestation and it actually HURTS! Yet, put us under the microscope and no one would see a thing... it's bizarre and frightening and REAL.

 

My wish for the future is that psychiatry embraces the nebulousness of the mind, heart and soul and stops trying so hard to "be doctors" and embrace being "co-healers" who encourage people to face their truth, however which way suits the individual... and yes, if medication is required, it's properly monitored and catered to the person - "no more" cooker cutter prescriptions! "No more" to the ridiculous $350 charge for a 15 minute "consult". And everyone should be encouraged to be drug free if/when they're ready.

 

I can dream...  

 

 

 

 

[CallaLily]

5 hours ago, JanCarol said:

Wow Calla - Welcome!

 

We're always a little wary of people who pop up and go straight to Success Stories - but thank you for doing so!  18 months off drugs is SUPER respectable, and I can see from here that you've got the non-drug toolkit in spades! 

 

It's so great to hear how well you are doing!

 

I was still questioning the bipolar diagnonsense when I saw the Sean Blackwell vids.  I even spoke to him once, because I was so afraid to taper.  Then I found Surviving Antidepressants, and got the support I needed.

 

Have you heard of Shades of Awakening?  It's a group (currently in magazine format, but they sometimes have interviews and presentations - something coming up with Sounds True) that explores the relationship between extreme states and spirituality.  http://shadesofawakening.com/  

 

I hear you about sometimes needing to go through a thing - it's actually the most thorough way to learn a thing.  However, not many people have the fortitude, resilience, or ability to tolerate distress to do it the way you did it.  There are a few of us who use the extreme states to learn - but I'm afraid most of us just "survive" the extreme states on the way to balance.

 

I, too, would love to hear what your journey was like from 2016 to present.

 

And - as a matter of protocol, could you please put in a simple signature, something that says, "Off lithium and Lamictal since May 2016" just to let folks know when you post - where you are coming from.  

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.  

 

I hope you see the sun today!

 

Thanks JanCarol  

 

I saw your other post yesterday about Shades of Awakening and planned to investigate this weekend... I love seeing and hearing how other people have embraced themselves... there are always going to be humans like us who walk this planet and who experience states of consciousness that are far beyond common understanding. 

 

And thanks for the edit link - you'll note that I've updated it  

 

My journey post Dec 2016 to now is currently being reviewed in my mind... I will definitely contribute once it's written down... 

 

Hope you see the sun too! He's my favourite sun in the whole universe!

CallaLily x

 

 

[CallaLily]

5 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Congratulations, CallaLily! Thanks for coming back and letting us know you're doing well. I hope you continue to post -- our people who are taking lithium always appreciate hearing from another veteran. (Go to the Introductions forum and search for "lithium" -- you'll see them.)

 

Did you post here before? What was your screen name then? I will connect the two accounts.

 

Thanks Altostrata  

 

My other username was Cayperz - I think I created the account late 2015/early 2016? I can't remember! haha All I recall is, the idea about tapering was planted in late 2015... and I was so relieved to find other people wanting or doing the same.

 

Will definitely visit the lithium folks, too!

[Hibari]

Thank you for sharing your success story.  I appreciate the insight around jumping to soon and how it was (my words) transforming in a good way. 

 

I too have used my body as well to guide my taper; struggled, been off the mark, right in tune and everything in between.  I am very sensitive to meds of any kind and I've had to accept that sensitivity but I also trusted I could taper two meds at once-something I knew in my bones. 

 

I also view my breakdown pre-meds and this whole journey as life changing and a spiritual awakening.  The kind of spiritual awakening that brings you to your knees in order to figure out what really matters.

 

Great and inspiring to read about your journey. 

 

[CallaLily]

Thanks Hibari  

 

Couldn't agree more re: spiritual awakening/transformation... truly powerful and meaningful experiences!

 

As much as I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone, I think a lot of people would benefit from breaking down and through the garbage of their life... 

 

It took me years to recover and I'm still in recovery but knowing what I know now? I wouldn't have it any other way...

 

Hope you're having a good one!

CallaLily

[Madeleine]

Thanks for sharing your success story. I appreciated reading it as I am sure many others have and will in the future when they visit this section of the forum.  

Congratulations!

M.

[ChessieCat]

Hi there,

 

The staff at SA are wondering how you are.  We'd love to hear how you are doing now.   Would you mind dropping by and giving an update?

 

Thanks.

CC