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Barbarannamated

Memories from PRE-drugged years surfacing

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Barbarannamated   
Barbarannamated

I feel like my entire life - including pre-drug years- is being dredged up in flashes of memories and events from childhood and young adulthood. This is different from the return of intense emotions that were blunted or suppressed during 18 years of polydrugging.

These are NOT memories that are new or unrecognized. I feel like I have a different perspective now and it's very overwhelming.

 

Is anyone experiencing this?

 

Thanks in advance for any input.

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Whatever   
Whatever

Yes, I experienced that. I journaled heavily on a laptop during that phase of my life. I did weird things like make a list of every male I ever kissed, had one date with, etc. by name, and month and year - I went as far back as the first boy I ever kissed. For relationships I went into great detail about the history of those. My memories became extremely vivid. They became extremely overwhelming.

 

I think it is a good sign in terms of recovery. And for me this was a stage that passed, it lasted a few months but was towards the end of my recovery.

 

Embrace it!

 

P.S. I cannot stop thinking about the sandwhich incident with your Mother. Such a fantastic story, I love you for throwing the sandwhich, it was a brillant move, it was a truly honest response to someone who did not know how to be authentic.

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Barbarannamated   
Barbarannamated

Thank you, Whatever.

This is excruciating and everyone who used to be supportive (when sister was the 'bad guy') has distanced themselves, headed for the proverbial hills. I'm afraid to open up to even one more person because I am so sensitized now.

What was the type of therapy you used? Wondering if it was holotropic breathing or similar? I know very little about that.

I recognize the value in seeing this all more clearly but - damn - it is brutal. I'm frozen. It's not just a matter of resuming my life lost during drugged years, but all of the years prior have taken on a whole different light (or dark, in this case).

 

I should have thrown more ham sandwiches.

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Whatever   
Whatever

I didn't use therapy. I think you misread my post.

 

I wrote all my memories and feelings and letters to people (never sent them) on my laptop. You can called it "The Whatever Method" if you like :).

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Barbarannamated   
Barbarannamated

I didn't use therapy. I think you misread my post.

 

I wrote all my memories and feelings and letters to people (never sent them) on my laptop. You can called it "The Whatever Method" if you like :).

 

I thought you mentioned elsewhere about a breathing technique - maybe it was to release pain tied to emotions.? Or my imagination is hoping such a thing exists...

 

The Whatever Method sounds appropriate. I've had very little help and some hurt from therapists.

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Altostrata   
Altostrata

I had similar experiences and, like Whatever, found writing them down to be cathartic.

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Whatever   
Whatever

Correction, I think you are talking about "rebirthing". It is a method where you deep breath and literally purge trapped emotion that is in your body and deep seated memories can come up.

 

I am sure you can find someone in California who practices this very 1960's type practice (sorry I couldn't help poking a little fun).

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Temperance   
Temperance

Yes, me too. I have got memories, atmospheres & all sorts of new thoughts attached to them surfacing & coming back, which I'm finding extremely overwhelming & very disturbing at times. In some ways it's amazing, like coming back to like, yet at the same time, like I've actually been half-dead for 13 years & have been woken up from the dead unnaturally so, opposed to say a resurrection. It's indescribable. I have changes in my perception of the passing of time also. I feel like time hasn't passed, yet it is passing more quickly than ever & I just cannot keep up. It's so peculiar, so odd so strange so profound in many ways....something very special & important within me has been assaulted by psychiatric drugs & I'm still reeling from it. As if the devil himself designed the drugs, or some nazi scientist did. I heard prozac is mostly fluoride...another nazi idea. Anyone know the ingrediants used to make ssri's & neuroleptics? Who is supplying the drug companies? Is this a job for wikileaks? I think only time & the body's natural healing process will balance things out. I've had family unable to comprehend what I'm going through, friends who draw wrong conclusions...even myself begin to wonder if I am actually insane or plain wicked, but it's the drugs, I'm sure it is. They are an assault on our humanity. I'm beginning to wonder if they were actually made that way on purpose, someone's got to know...someone has got to blow the whistle...

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Barbarannamated   
Barbarannamated

Temperence,

The distorted perception of time is incredibly disturbing to me also. I thought it was because I have no place to be, no schedule, and that probably contributes. But last spring before I realized what was happening, it seemed like f-o-r-e-v-e-r between contact with friends. Time was going so slowly. I actually checked my emails or phone log to find that it had been only a day or two but in the meantime, I became very paranoid, thinking that everyone was avoiding me, etc.

In contrast, I can't remember what ive done to stay occupied over so many years without a job or anyplace to be on a regular basis. On one hand, I think I must have been fairly creative and self-entertaining/independent. OTOH, it seems like wasted years. I read recently that SS/NRIs make us ok with solitude that seems like independence. That really hit home for me because I feel incredibly lonely now.

Bizarre things these drugs do to us.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience.

 

Barb

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Rhiannon   
Rhiannon

I feel like my entire life - including pre-drug years- is being dredged up in flashes of memories and events from childhood and young adulthood. This is different from the return of intense emotions that were blunted or suppressed during 18 years of polydrugging.

These are NOT memories that are new or unrecognized. I feel like I have a different perspective now and it's very overwhelming.

 

Is anyone experiencing this?

 

Thanks in advance for any input.

 

Thanks for describing this--I have been experiencing some of this myself.

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Barbarannamated   
Barbarannamated

I described this to 'someone who understands' and they said it sounded like a slow motion near death experience in the way it replays ones' entire life for reevaluation -

Ok now for the REORDERING of life part …

This hurts :(

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Nikki   
Nikki

Your not alone Barbara. This has happened to me and has been happening again. I remembered that when I was having a meltdown way back when, I could not help but think about the past. Mostly mistakes & regrets.

 

I started Therapy and Meds and it did help. The best way out was thru. I did an inventory and got all of this up and out on paper and told my Al-Anon Sponsor. I was afraid she was going to lean against a wall and drop dead. Instead she said "that's it?" This is Step IV. It was very healing.

 

If you haven't been out of the house much, left to our own devices we tend to go places in our thoughts that is just obsessing for me....I am good at obsessing.

 

Hugs

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Barbarannamated   
Barbarannamated

Thanks Nikki ~

Yes I defintely am a pro ruminator which goes nowhere except to increase my feelings of anger and stress -

Some of the new awareness of childhood has been enlighteningi and I see how I became so 'disempowered' early on - I was constantly told that friends and jobs and boyfriends didn't want me (by parents)- never got the message that anyone was fortunate to have me around -

I don't know when this began but sometime in adolescence - my post in Toxic Family is a classic example and one that I can laugh about - (the flying ham sandwich)

I have to be careful to tune into what is being revealed but not ruminate about things/people I cannot change -

I never trusted my instincts and am understanding why - I was never told I was worth anything outside of my accomplishments in school or career (things that reflected on my patents) - I'm sure there's a psychological term for this -

Not surprising I went to the opposite extreme with my horses and use positive reinforcement almost exclusively and one in particular is over-empowered - not a good thing in a 1000lb animal :(

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Barbarannamated   
Barbarannamated

Just rereading …this is a complete different thing than regrets and such which I really don't have alot of aside from bad relationship choices and selling an oceanview house just before the market exploded upwards - im actually feeling like things were happening years ago in an odd preparation for my paradigm shattering of late - there are so many odd things happening that feel orchestrated by *the cosmos* - it is a distinct feeling that I am supposed to be learning something - very difficult to explain and maybe it's the way I'm coping by looking for the 'big picture' in the suffering -

Interspersed with my whining is a feeling of a purpose to it all and understanding myself through semi-repressed memories (not false memories) and insight -

That sounds really Jungian - ;)

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Shanti   
Shanti

I do this too. I think some of it is due to the fact that I'm not keeping busy because I'm not feeling well. So I'm doing a lot of introspection and memories pop up and I'm analyzing my life from different perspectives. I'm seeing things with wiser, older eyes now and it's interesting. By going over things like this, it's causing me to look at other people differently too. Such as, I can see how some of my behaviors in the past were well intentioned, but harmful to others. So I can see how people mean well but hurt people. I don't know, I see it as a good thing. As long as I'm not feeling all that emotional trauma from past events, then I think it's okay. Journaling is an excellent idea. I do a lot of journaling myself and it's very therapeutic.

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3003   
3003

By Altostrata

 

-Hippocampus - This is the "memory" center of the brain. It ties in old memories to emotions. The same thing is happening here that is happening in the amygdala with GABA and Glutamate. So - voila. You get intrusive memories from ALL times in your [...]. It's wild and wicked and wooly. But it can't hurt you. And if you can learn to visualize this as what is happening - then you can learn to be objective and realize it's normal. And like the amygdala - it will come and go and frustrate you, but it will go away when the physiology is restored.

 

This is what I'm experiencing now from my low dose of ssri.. I's it possible it happens with ssri's also????memory's from all different parts of my life

. This is exactly me right now!!

 

This is so odd others are having similar experiences.

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Coopergirl1   
Coopergirl1

I'm so glad I found this post. I too am experiencing memories pop up and obsessing over them. Can withdrawal take a memory and add things to it to make you feel bad or distort them at all?

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ChessieCat   
ChessieCat

I've been getting memories popping up just totally out of the blue and I think where did that come from.  Unfortunately some of the memories I have I would like to chat about but other than 2 very dear friends from my teenage years, there is nobody left who I can reminisce/discuss with.  Disappointing but that's life and I just have to accept that it is what it is.  If it's a nice memory I am thankful for it, and some of them have been just a really lovely snippet.  If it's not, I just tell myself it is history and I can't change it.

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3003   
3003

What's strange is they just come in to my thoughts.. like flood in.. They aren't bad thoughts.. I have ocd and these are different thoughts.. childhood years and earlier.

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RachelE   
RachelE

I too am experiencing weird stuff with my mental processes. My short term memory is like Swiss cheese. This makes it hard for me to keep performing basic tasks on a regular basis--tasks everyone else takes for granted. It also puts a strain on my relationships with my parents whom I am living with. They don't know I'm in withdrawal or why I keep leaving glasses all over, forgetting to perform basic household chores or tired and itchy all the time. They think my fatigue is laziness. My continual scratching they consider just plain weird. Though Mom seems to personalize it sometimes as if I did it simply to annoy her!

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JanCarol   
JanCarol

Wow.  In January, I had a thing which I call my "Emotional Event."

 

I didn't know what it was - I was doing some breathing, meditation, and music, and delving into feelings and memories.  It was compelling - more than obsessive - compelling.  I couldn't stop.  I had to keep going, even though it hurt.

 

Regrets, yes.  People - more.  The feeling - the biggest feeling - was that so many people who "got" me, who understood and accepted me - who would understand what I'm trying to do with my shamanism and Jungian style work - who I could've talked to and explained why a symbol or dream was important - why I often feel so disconnected in this country - these people - are dead.

 

And I cried and cried, the first time, truly, that I mourned these deaths.  They were too young to die, but there it is.

 

Now I feel as if I'm doing well to be understood - really understood - about 25% of the time.  I keep thinking I need to refine my communication, get better at it, so that I can be understood.  This event took me to exploration of "am I the person I was meant to be?" and "why, oh why, not?"

 

This experience took about 4 hours, and I was wrecked for a week afterwards.  It was like a holotropic breathing experience (yes, I did breathing, but it was not officially holotropic, or rebirthing, or hyperventilation) while standing before my dead, having them tease and buffet me around like I was a plaything.

 

In some ways it felt self indulgent - why was I wallowing?  What was the point of this exercise?  But in other ways, it was good to finally cry, and mourn, and suffer - ashes and sackcloth like the old days.  Am I better afterwards?  I don't know, it seems to have been followed by more stuff still.  But perhaps I am, just a little deeper, just a little more compassionate after the "emotional event."

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JanCarol   
JanCarol

Thinking about this - a common part of shamanic initiation is a "life review." 

 

This is not a thing that you sit down and decide to do, but an experience which washes over you and grabs you and you have no choice but to relive the experience.

 

Journalling about the experience is encouraged in shamanic teaching.  Like a kriya, in yoga, it comes to you.  Or, can be brought about by a teacher - but how many of us have those?

 

So - while the corporate overlords are using drugs to oppress and suppress our non-conformist ways, as we withdraw from the drugs, it is forcing these experiences - forcing an awakening - a deepening. 

 

Their evil plans are backfiring!   :D

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