success ☼ Aria: My Psych Journey

[Barbarannamated]

Aria,

 

You're absolutely not alone in your feelings. I've long had trouble with the thinking that we always should forgive. I can't really elucidate on that; just a gut feeling that forcing forgiveness (per many religions and psychology) is not always healthy, especially if it's false forgiveness or sweeping anger or hatred under the rug.

 

A quick search turned up this blog that explains better:

http://drkathleenyoung.wordpress.com/2009/09/12/forgiveness-and-trauma-are-some-things-unforgivable/

 

I believe our situations fit the definition of trauma. We were harmed and betrayed by people who are supposed to protect and help us. In our specific cases with permanent conditions, we are faced with having to go back to the same group of people who betrayed us and attempt to trust again. For me, that's retraumatizing. I HATE that I've been forced into this position. Of course, doctors won't apologize because that would imply negligence and guilt.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

B

[Aria]

Aria,

 

You're absolutely not alone in your feelings. I've long had trouble with the thinking that we always should forgive.

 

I believe our situations fit the definition of trauma. We were harmed and betrayed by people who are supposed to protect and help us. In our specific cases with permanent conditions, we are faced with having to go back to the same group of people who betrayed us and attempt to trust again. For me, that's retraumatizing. I HATE that I've been forced into this position. Of course, doctors won't apologize because that would imply negligence and guilt.

 

B

 

Thank you, Barb. The link to victims of trauma/abusers was helpful. The foremost thing is to provide a safe haven for ME. How ironic that I feel guilty and mad at myself because of what psychiatry did to me?? I realize how profoundly affected I was by it and not being able to talk about has made it stagnate.

[Altostrata]

I think you have an important story to tell, Aria. Robert Whitaker's site MadinAmerica.com accepts well-written articles from psychiatric survivors.

[Aria]

I think you have an important story to tell, Aria. Robert Whitaker's site MadinAmerica.com accepts well-written articles from psychiatric survivors.

 

I submitted my success story to MIA a while ago but was told it couldn't be published unless I used my real name. I'm not at the point I feel I can go public with this information. Thank you for saying it would be a good read.

[Barbarannamated]

Aria,

 

Did they offer an option to know, but not publish, your real name? (Similar to comments on websites requiring an email address for verification). I imagine many people would have similar feelings.

 

B

[Altostrata]

You can submit an "editorial" to MIA under a pseudonym. In your article, explain why you can't use your real name.

 

I'll vouch for you if you wish.

[Aria]

I'd be more than willing to give the MIA staffers my real name but the article must be under a pseudonym.

 

I will think about this some more. I want others to know they can taper off these drugs, they can heal and yes, they can have a life again.

[Aria]

I went to a neuro eye doctor last week for a long overdue eye exam. The assistant came in to get my info and do an initial evaluation looking at the eye chart. She asked why my eyes blinked so much and then said I had "jiggly eyes". I knew the blinking was due to anti psychotics but the jiggly eyes threw me. I nicely replied the blinking was due to a neuro disease and ignored the latter question. I heard the assistant and the doctor discussing these aspects outside the door. The eye doctor came in for further examination but he was obviously perplexed with these 2 symptoms but keep rather mum. After the exam he did say he hoped stronger glassed would rectify my vision issues.

 

I had a recent thread on how much to disclose to new doctors about psychiatric drug use and realized telling this eye doc this wouldn't make a difference at this stage. I wonder if my forehead and upper lip still twitches, which is a sure sign of neuroleptics, has finally gone away? Do I still wear such a noticeable badge of psychiatry ? I didn't know the rapid eye blinking was psyche drug damage till 2 years ago.The neurological disease I have isn't causing it.

 

Knowing anti psychotics can cause these symptoms why didn't my long time psychiatrist see them and either reduce the drugs or try a drug holiday?? Well, he was a cretin and I know now he'd stopped seeing me as a person. I have a letter he wrote another doctor saying don't believe Aria if she says the psychiatric drugs caused her Tardive Dyskinesia and Akathisa. I was only on psychiatric drugs and had been for 15 years when he wrote the letter?? Jerk'''

 

When on the drugs these symptoms were extremely pronounced to any medical professional. Thank goodness I didn't have the lip smacking or tongue twisting.

 

The damage could of been much worse than having constant blinking eyes.

[flower]

Aria..I realized after reading your thread,My Psych. Doc blinks alot too. I wonder what drug she is on? Makes me want to ask.

[compsports]

Aria,

 

My heart goes out to you regarding what you have been through.

 

In a nutshell, most psychiatrists could care less about the effects their meds cause. They feel that "mental illness" is so horrible than any side effect the person experiences is worth the risk. By the way, as I made that point, I realized you were put on these meds after experiencing typical life difficulties and never was mentally ill.

 

CS

 

 

 

I went to a neuro eye doctor last week for a long overdue eye exam. The assistant came in to get my info and do an initial evaluation looking at the eye chart. She asked why my eyes blinked so much and then said I had "jiggly eyes". I knew the blinking was due to anti psychotics but the jiggly eyes threw me. I nicely replied the blinking was due to a neuro disease and ignored the latter question. I heard the assistant and the doctor discussing these aspects outside the door. The eye doctor came in for further examination but he was obviously perplexed with these 2 symptoms but keep rather mum. After the exam he did say he hoped stronger glassed would rectify my vision issues.

 

I had a recent thread on how much to disclose to new doctors about psychiatric drug use and realized telling this eye doc this wouldn't make a difference at this stage. I wonder if my forehead and upper lip still twitches, which is a sure sign of neuroleptics, has finally gone away? Do I still wear such a noticeable badge of psychiatry ? I didn't know the rapid eye blinking was psyche drug damage till 2 years ago.The neurological disease I have isn't causing it.

 

Knowing anti psychotics can cause these symptoms why didn't my long time psychiatrist see them and either reduce the drugs or try a drug holiday?? Well, he was a cretin and I know now he'd stopped seeing me as a person. I have a letter he wrote another doctor saying don't believe Aria if she says the psychiatric drugs caused her Tardive Dyskinesia and Akathisa. I was only on psychiatric drugs and had been for 15 years when he wrote the letter?? Jerk'''

 

When on the drugs these symptoms were extremely pronounced to any medical professional. Thank goodness I didn't have the lip smacking or tongue twisting.

 

The damage could of been much worse than having constant blinking eyes.

 

[Lilu]

Wow, Aria, your story makes me so so angry at the psychiatric establishment. Your story moved me so much, that I felt the need to send an email to everyone on my email list, warning them. So many people take these kind of drugs, but somehow no one ever responds or thanks me when I send them these emails. I guess you really have to go through it. I have seen 6 different psychiatrist in my past, and almost all of them had the God-complex and became extremely agitated and upset when I would present my own opinions, medical facts, and knowledge.

You can write the truth and rate any doctor on www.RateMDs.com

[Lilu]

Lately I've been having PTSD from my psychiatric mishap. I read member "Whatever's" intro posts and related to it so much.

 

25 years ago I was in an auto accident and sustained severe soft tissue damage. This wasn't acknowledged by the doctors so they couldn't understand why I was such pain and having spasms. Here I was an young woman not on any medications, had an excellent supervisory position wearing my designer suits and living a nice life. The pain caused me not to sleep so things went down hill form there.

Aria,

What was the soft tissue damage? How did it manifest? Why wasn't it acknowledged by doctors? Was it not visible on an MRI? Or did you not get one? How did you recover from the soft tissue damage?

 

Also, how did you lose the 100 lbs you gained?

[Aria]

Soft tissue is ligaments, tendons, muscles etc that didn't show up on X Rays 25 yrs ago. The old term was "Whiplash" to describe painful neck and back injuries like mine and doctors tended to think it was non-existent. Usually chiropractors were the ones to treat injuries like this. My car had been totaled from the impact. For some reason I didn't break a leg or my ribs and my soft tissue damage were seem as someone pretending to be hurt to receive insurance money. I also had sustained a severe neck injury in the car accident and later had to have a 2 disc fusion. Rest and trying to get better helped me recover.

 

Going to a physician for help dealing with pain was awful because my injuries weren't fully believed. I hadn't had this happen before and the doctors told me straight out the injuries weren't real so I got scared. Looking back the whole thing was ludicrous but I was so young at the time. Now injuries like mine are considered real and being treated by medical doctors and physical therapists.

 

I lost the weight because I was tapering off the drugs. My increased appetite had been from taking the psyche drugs. I still maintain a normal weight. I'm so glad to be drug free and be able to think clearly again.

[Aria]

Wow, Aria, your story makes me so so angry at the psychiatric establishment. Your story moved me so much, that I felt the need to send an email to everyone on my email list, warning them. So many people take these kind of drugs, but somehow no one ever responds or thanks me when I send them these emails. I guess you really have to go through it. I have seen 6 different psychiatrist in my past, and almost all of them had the God-complex and became extremely agitated and upset when I would present my own opinions, medical facts, and knowledge.

You can write the truth and rate any doctor on www.RateMDs.com

 

Unfortunately a lot of the rate the doctor sites are controlled by them and they delete the bad reviews. I had written a few reviews that wasn't mean or crass but they were all erased. Most do want you to log in so they can see who wrote what and I don't care to give out my email address to them. Psychiatrists are strange lot and I have to wonder who ever gave them a license?? How could any doctor prescribe that many drugs at once and think it was OK?

 

Thank you for letting your email list know the danger of psyche drugs''' Do you forward them my Intro story or a certain post I wrote??

[flower]

Good for you Aria..Reading about you lifted my spirits this morning ..Being drug free can happen..I feel sometimes I'm not going to live through this..

[Aria]

Spent an evening with a friend who has "depression" and who was switched from Seroquel to Zyprexa. Now she can't sleep after the sudden switch (can't lay still...hello Akathsia). I attempted to educate her about tardive dyskensia, drug induced issues and possible paradoxical symptoms. I've known her for a few years and can't fathom why in hell she's taking this stuff because it doesn't seem to be working and she certainly doesn't have signs she needs it. Of course this is psyche drug free me and my adamant distrust of psychiatric drugs and the drug prescribers. I told her what I thought and said someone her age (senior) shouldn't be on it for many reasons (named some) and my concern she might fall down her steps.

 

One of my neighbors was telling me how anti depressants can cause hallucinations and I kept quiet (my psyche history not revealed). I was on 2-3 of them plus 2-3 benzos, sleep med, maybe a mood stabilizer (love that term) and an anti psychotic.

Did I hallucinate?? Yep and I was so blitzed on drugs it didn't really register. Have I hallucinated since finishing my taper off all of the drugs?? No.

Do I get depressed? Sometimes but I deal with it.

Do I have to pace the floors all night and feel like I can't sit still or can't sleep for days and days? No. In fact I had enjoyed laying quietly and doing some pleasant daydreaming because I was plain tired.

Do I still wail and cry hysterically and in a panic for days ?? No. The reason is my mind/body aren't completely wired from the psyche drugs.

Am I afraid to be alone? No.

So why off all the drugs am I doing so much better?? Hmm...

 

Last night had a dream I was till polydrugged and could only do a menial job folding cardboard boxes. Yep. The psychiatrist was congratulating me on how well I folding the boxes and the staff treated me as if I was mentally handicapped. I usually don't remember my dreams but this one isn't disappearing. Connecting it to my conversation with friend on Zyprexa. If after I tell her all what I think of anyone taking this kind of drug it's up to her what she wants to do.

 

I will end this with something an old pal to me said 15 years ago, "With all the psychiatric drugs you're on it wouldn't surprise me if you thought there was a circus in your bedroom at night."

[Aria]

I had posted on the thread "Toxic Family". Mine was a mess. Taken out of context it looks much much worse (as would most anything). How did I fare?? Better than I had thought now that I've gotten older, realized crap happens and what I went through growing up was something I couldn't then remove myself from. I had to learn to let some of it go. I have seen few families not affected by some kind of turmoil. Was mine extreme?? At this point in my life maybe...maybe not? Time does blur the lines and what I remember is best blurred.

 

My younger years are no way comparable to the horror or being wrongly diagnosed, put on extremely toxic psychiatric drugs and told repeatedly I was completely damaged and had little if any prospects to have a "normal" life. The pain of 15 years and me totally believing it was tragic in itself. I have to tell myself I didn't know any better but I keep thinking this was my fault unlike being in my family. That I was stupid and was in a situation I should have stepped aside from. My 15 years of being demeaned as mental defective is still scaring me. I realized it was best not to mention the lost years or any reference to my psychiatric history to new acquaintances or many times to friends. Was it because it was painful for them (friends/family) to hear or they didn't know what to say??

 

My family--how did they react?? Treat me? They trusted doctors and none of them except one sibling contacted the pdoc who deemed me totally crazy to check on what the man was doing or why (to me). Just that one phone call and my sibling slowly stopped inviting me to family events. After it was found out I'd been wrongly diagnosed the family suddenly decided maybe I was OK again but they really didn't accept me fully again. It was on their terms to be with me (sic).

 

Now I consider "my family" people who I enjoy and love being around. The reality is I can try to be a good family member but I have to remember it only can go so far. People rarely change as much as they think. I do believe we can change our perceptions and expectations more than our behavior (as I have done).

 

Maybe one day I'll stop apologizing for walking into a psychiatrist's office....

[Aria]

The lady I'd posted about for being a senior and being put of Seroquel then Zyprexa is now manic. She called me talking a zillion words a second and it hurt my ears. I told her I was concerned how she was talking and she had to do something. Her pdoc saw her and adjusted her meds. She and her pdoc know it's drug induced and her label is "Bipolar" even thru it's due to the drugs (this has happened before). She's starting a new job today and if she's still that revved up I wonder if she'll be dismissed from work? My worry for her is she really doesn't get it that these drugs can cause more harm than good and that her psychiatrist can commit her if he/she deemed her unfit. Listening to and sitting by a manic is hard to do.

 

I watched her behavior and listened to her psych history. It was much worse and involved than mine ever was (she had 2 drastic suicide attempts). Why wasn't she put on the terrible 5, 6 or 7 drug combos I was on?? For years she's been on one AD and her benzo till recently. I was on everything for what was benign behavior/symptoms compared to her and it made it not "me".

[Barbarannamated]

It makes no sense, Aria. None. It's so arbitrary.

 

I'm sorry for your pain…

[Aria]

"Psyche drugs...the drugs that keeps on giving long after it's discontinued".

[Aria]

I keep hoping my sleep will readjust to me being off all psych meds for years. It's the one thing that still isn't on track. I should be glad I can think clearly after 15 yrs of hard core drugs the psychiatrist gave me "wanting to make me better".Maybe tonight I'll be able to crash and sleep well.

 

Getting used to the new Survivng Antidepressants website. Looks good.

[Altostrata]

Thanks, Aria.

 

For restoring sleep, see the tips on "sleep hygiene" etc. and gentle supplements in the Symptoms and Self-care forum.

[Aria]

Late last night I was thinking how did I get involved with psychiatry ?? I'd had a terrible auto accident and wasn't recovering (makes sense now- it was a bad accident). I went back to work and tried my best to do my job. A few months later I was blind sided by my boss's supervisor who cornered me in my office and berated me horribly saying I hadn't been doing my job (not true but he needed a scape goat). I was so terrifed by this on top of still dealing with the car accident pain/injuires so I just lost it. Was a suicidal? No. Did I have a psychotic break? No....just over whelmed, crying, up set but in no way crazy. My psychologist suggested I needed a rest and told me to go to the city's premiere psychiatric hosptial. I did and it was very nice with a pool, cookouts on the lawn, horse back ridng and other great outtings. How did this turn into me being told I was flat out crazy and would never get better?? Well, the wonderful caring psychiatrist who piled drug after drug on me hoping to make me better.

 

I got on the psychiatric merry go round and it was hard to get off of. So I go from being a temporarily upset yound lady to being told I was the combo of 2 very profound mental illnesses which another psychiatrist, a psychologist, a therapist  and a few other physicians later rebulked ? This would be like being treated heavily for reoccuring cancer and then finding out I never had it. The ordaserty of psychiatry to wrongly label me and then not be responsible for that wrong.

 

My Thursday musing is complete.   Oh by the way my flowers are looking great.

[Altostrata]

This sounds very familiar!

[Aria]

Thank you, Alto, for replying to my musing comments. I gotta stop beating myself up for getting involved with bogus labeling and drugging. Like getting lost in the dark and I kept drivng instead of calling for directions (one of my analogies). When enlightened I realized how ridiculous and unsubstantiated the whole situation had been.

[Altostrata]

Many of us have similar histories, we wandered into a web and got deeper and deeper. I know I did. Don't beat yourself up. Millions of people have done the same.

[Meimeiquest]

But there is a huge anger piece to all this. If we could afford it, I would so buy a punching bag!

[Barbarannamated]

But there is a huge anger piece to all this.

Yes, there sure is. In addition to anger that I fell for this toxic BS for so long, I am carrying around an overwhelming "anger at life" that has come to the surface. Awful.

[Aria]

I know what I feel is anger at ME and I need to let this go (here I go again). I didn't know the ramifications of psychiatry and the prescribed drugs when I was on that merry go round. I appreciate Barbarannamated sending me the link to Forgiveness that showed me another alternative. Thanks, again.

 

It looks like so many of us had realized OMG what have I gotten myself into with these drugs, labels and a blurry unmotivated life?? For me I got off the drugs and had to wade through so much to find myself, re-establish relationships and try to handle the lost years. The resentment/anger is still there and in a way I may need this. It does keep me going...my "fight or flight response" to survive and prevail. It's indescribale to anyone who hasn't been on this road. I'm amazed at people I know who really are a mess (totally out of control, unorganzied & drifting)  and they never considered entering a psychiatrist's office. How is their life different from mine?? They didn't lose 15 yrs due to psyche drugs and bogus labeling saying they would never suceed.Other than that they seem to be OK and still rambling through life without a rudder. I think they are happier and in a way I'm envious of that.

 

I'm coming up on my anniversary of the day I realized something was very wrong with me being diagnosed. It was my new road to drug freedom. It was a true wonder I was able to taper off all the drugs I was on when I read how others are fighting tooth and nail to get off 1 or 2. Bless you all.

[Barbarannamated]

I appreciate all of this very much, Aria. The resentment, needing some anger as motivation, etc. You are much farther along this path than I am. It frequently feels like I'm standing at the edge of a big dark abyss. How does one start life over at this point, especially when still feeling like h*** on many days..?

 

What part of the Forgiveness info spoke to you?

 

Thank you for continuing to share, Aria. I value your wisdom very much.

 

B

[Aria]

Copied from The Forgiveness Link (Dr. K. Young) :

 

Any of the following may be a valid and healing approach for you in coming to terms with the aftermath of abuse and betrayal:

• Forgiveness
• Partial forgiveness
• Understanding but not forgiving
• Letting go of bitterness and hatred
• Active unforgiveness

It gives several options and levels for forgivng and that's it's not all black or white. Whatever we choose should feel right to us as we are the ones trying (whether we decide to forgive or not).

 

I have times I'm upset and sad for what I call my "loss of possiblities" due to psychiatry. I think this site is about psychiatric drugs, labeling, tapering, the trauma of psychiatry and how we need to approach our healing & dealing with this immense hurt. On many fronts I know I'll carry my hurt but as time goes by the trauma has lessened from this rather than forgiveness.

 

I told someone today being realistic on expectations leaves less not to be expected (family, friends, situations).

[Barbarannamated]

Thank you, Aria.

 

Did you go through a period of worsened mood or emotional anesthesia after withdrawing? Any words of encouragement from the other side of this would be invaluable.

 

B~

[Aria]

Oh, Barb,

I went thru hell unteen times feeling ultra senstive, feeling like my body would explode, not feeling anything and then like a early morn sunrise I gradually started to feel more human. I was exhausted from tapering and withdrawals compounded by still being ill from my hospital stay with pancreatitis. What a first year I went thru unaided and sick. When I did go to the regular doc she dismissed me as being mentally ill and threw me out of her office saying go back to your psychiatrist. My moods were mostly of intense pain and being lost. As I type this it's like a blur I endured that and came out on the other side. I do remember the 2nd year was about the same. By 2005 I was diagnosed with this neuro muscular disease and started intense treatment. 2013?? Much better and wiser. I'd trade the wiser for a few years of blissful nothingness.

 

I carefully went to a few social gatherings as a new member and hoped I didn't seem weird. It was a foray into making contacts being drug free and hoping I wasn't too obviously damaged to be avoided. Being with others made a difference and my new kitty with his unconditonal affection for me. I saw people and life differenly due to what I went thru. No longer was I the one who was seen as the lady on too many drugs. One of my best achievements? Handling my family.

 

I'm not too sure if you're still tapering or not?? The emotional deading seems to be part of the drugs and tapering and can stay around for a while. You do sound like a very strong woman from what I've read and if drugged to the max lost in the wilds for years me can do this then I think you can too. I not 100% but I'll take this.

[Barbarannamated]

Thank you, Aria. Your posts and encouragement mean the world to me. You have a kind and gentle spirit mixed with strength. It is very reassuring and calming to me (and others, I'm sure).

Many Hugs.

 

B~

[Aria]

Any of the following may be a valid and healing approach for you in coming to terms with the aftermath of abuse and betrayal:

• Forgiveness
• Partial forgiveness
• Understanding but not forgiving
• Letting go of bitterness and hatred
• Active unforgiveness

I'm between levels 2 and 3 trying to understand as I very slowly forgive others. Notice I didn't say forgive myself. Time had taken the largest part of my bitterness but it still lingers. It ain't easy and I've done lots of forgivng to people who can't find it in themsleves to own up to how they treated me. What motivated thier behavior towards me?? I tryied to understand thier rational but it may be beyond what facts I know.  I let go of numerous friendships and relationships because I had to. I reinvested that energy into postive relationships and not expecting anything back. I give to give whether it's because of kindness, silliness or for no real reason. I love to do nice things for others without expecting anything in return and I walk away feeling good.

 

Forgiveness...on many levels it's important and holds the key to my well being. What will be my comfort level with the level(s) I feel I can achieve? Only time will tell.

[Altostrata]

Very true and very valuable for us all.