success ☼ Brassmonkey: Talking about myself

[aberdeen]

I remember reading once about a bunch of people who got sick from a conference and the one constant was the hotel conference room. I think it was called Legionaires disease (bc it was a Legion bldg) something like mold in the ventilation...cant recall. Anyway hopefully not something contacted like that. I hope you're feeling better soon. You seem to be tolerating the meds pretty good yes?Anyway hang in there! 

[aberdeen]

Nope. I looked it up, its a bacteria found often in the air conditioning cooling towers in large buildings like hotels, conference centers, nursing homes, facilities ect.  causes pneumonia and sometimes kidney and gastro symptoms along with it. But you would have known by now if it was Legionnaires. 

[brassmonkey]

I remember the big stir Legionnaires disease caused with the first recorded outbreak.  This is just a stomach bug of some sort.  Twenty hours of sleep is very restorative.  I'm feeling a lot better right now, we'll see how the day plays out.  We have a short drive home then a two day turnaround to hit the road again on Tuesday. 

[brassmonkey]

Home safe, then really crashed during breakfast.  Felt horrible for a few hours, but it finally calmed down.  Haven't eaten much of anything all day and when I do I just feel sick.  Had a bit of a nap and now we are planning driving routes for the trip.  Going to be busy tomorrow getting ready to leave.

[Shep]

Hi, Tom.

 

I'm just catching up on your thread. I can't seem to keep up with you! All of the traveling is amazing.

 

 

On 8/12/2017 at 9:21 PM, brassmonkey said:

 I'm starting to get really paranoid about traveling, seem every time I do I get really sick, and that's no fun.

 

 

Perhaps your body is telling you that you need to rest and let your nervous system heal more. You are someone we all look to and admire for how well you're doing, especially so soon after coming off Paxil.  But please rest and take good care of yourself. 

[Madeleine]

33 minutes ago, Shep said:

Hi, Tom.

 

I'm just catching up on your thread. I can't seem to keep up with you! All of the traveling is amazing.

 

 

 

 

Perhaps your body is telling you that you need to rest and let your nervous system heal more. You are someone we all look to and admire for how well you're doing, especially so soon after coming off Paxil.  But please rest and take good care of yourself. 

Agree with Shep.  Take care of yourself. Enjoy yourself, but also take it easy over the next while and make sure you have a lot of R&R.

[brassmonkey]

Shep and Madeleine-- I keep telling my self that I'm taking it easy and things just sound really active.  The conference over the weekend was a lot of sitting around trying not to fall asleep while people talked at us.  As for the road trip, Monica's doing a lot of the driving, while I get to watch the pretty scenery.  I did some research and the crux of the stomach problems is one of the new meds for the broccoli (I love this spell checker) inflammation. I discontinued that med and things are slowly improving.  Once we get to Portland I get to kick it for a few days and play with our hosts dogs.

 

Alto--  I waved as we passed through Berkeley this morning.  Spending the night in Clearlake CA.  Shep, aren't you near here? 

[Shep]

4 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

Spending the night in Clearlake CA.  Shep, aren't you near here? 

 

Nope, I am way over on the east coast (don't get any more specific than that online). 

 

I hope you are feeling better and can enjoy your travels. 

[Marsha]

Hey, Brassmonkey/Tom. I'm in Clearlake. At least part of the time. I leave quite frequently and hoping to make it out permanently eventually. Have fun in Portland! I'm a Washington state coastal native. But I like Portland and all of the Pacific Northwest. If you and Monica feel up to it, the rose gardens are a very relaxing,  lovely sight to take in. 

[brassmonkey]

Hi Marsha-- Clearlake is a very charming little town, we really enjoyed passing through and will be visiting again. The views along the lake at sunset were wonderful.  We love rose gardens and will have to check them out next time we pass through.  We arrived in Portland this afternoon and are visiting friends, getting ready for the eclipse.

[nz11]

Hi Brass haven't caught up on the latest in your thread.

What do you think of the wdl survey. Maybe you have already done it.

But was wondering if you hadn't if there is any chance that you would be able to voice you most valuable experience by participating in it. Any internet cafes in Clearwater?

 

Go well

nz11

 

[brassmonkey]

Who would think that here in the US we'd have trouble getting internet connections.  Well it appears that if you even get a few miles off of a main highway it gets really hard.  I haven't been able to post much the last few weeks because it's been really difficult to get on line a lot of the time.  We got back home last night after driving to central Washington and back.  We spent several days with friends near Portland to see the eclipse, then drove to other friends ranch Washington for a visit, before driving home.

 

For the trip up north we stuck to the back/scenic roads.  It's a bit slower, but a much more pleasant drive.  The changing scenery from desert to mountains and lakes is so relaxing to watch. There were always several hawks circling above as we went past.  Oregon state was expecting very bad traffic because of the eclipse, but it really didn't happen.  Things got really slow at one point because of a forest fire near the road.  The water dropping helicopters flew right over us several times while making their drops.  We also had to skip going to Crater Lake National Park because all the lodging was sold out.  But we've been there before and will go back when it's less crowded.

 

Ended up at a friends B&B for the eclipse.  Had a small group and a large yard so we had a really great view.  Watching the growing darkness was exciting.  It was very subtle at first, barely changing at all.  Then during the last couple of minutes it wen from bright to dark.  You could watch as the light dimmed out.  All the birds came flocking back to their trees and the frogs started to sing.  During totality the view was amazing.  Everything was dark and there was a big black spot in the sky where the sun had been.  As the moon moved out of the way things started to get bright again.  There was a diamond ring effect for a few seconds as the sun started to be exposed, but a few seconds later it was too bright to look at.  The confused birds took off again and the frogs fell silent.  Day to night to day again  all in a few minutes. I seen a number of eclipses over the years, but nothing can come close to seeing a total one.

 

Several years ago some close friends got fed up with life in Southern California and bought a ranch in Washington.  So we went past for a visit as we were "in the area".  They've really worked on fixing the place up.  There were chickens, horses and goats.  That night we sat out and watched the stars.  There were a number of shooting stars, which I love to see.  The sky was so dark I didn't want to leave.  I was beginning to forget just how many stars there are, because there is just too much light here at home to really see them.  

 

We took the main highway for the drive home.  A lot of traffic, but still some lovely scenery.  Stopped off to visit some friends we made while in Kenya.  then continued the drive home.  Now we're here, unpacked and our friend Mitch will be arriving soon to help start setting up this years Haunted House.

[aberdeen]

Very cool Brass!! I heard that my area will be in the path of "totality" in the solar eclipse in 2024 so that will be amazing to see. The animals must have been so confused,lol. I noticed a bit of dimming and cooling down during the eclipse here but it was very subtle, like a heavy smog look. Still neat. 

Hope you get some time to settle in now that your travels are slowing down for a bit. The trip sounds like it was fun. 

[brassmonkey]

We already have plans for 2024.  Monica's family is in Ohio, right on the main path.  Only problem could be the weather.  The animals really didn't understand what was going on.  Even the family's dog got a bit confused.  The quick drop into darkness during the last few minutes and the quick return of the light was amazing.

[aberdeen]

Sounds really cool. Ohio is right across from my area, we're 30 min north of Lake Erie . Hopefully it's a clear day. 

[brassmonkey]

I'm melting,  aaagggggg!!!!!  SoCal is having a heatwave.  It's been running 109F/43C for the past four days.  We've been trying to stay indoors as much a possible, but the schedule for setting up the Haunted House needs us to be on the driveway or front lawn most of the day.  We have a shade pavilion set up on the drive so we are out of the direct sun and do get some breeze, but it's still HOT.  Taking lots of breaks and drinking a lot of Lemon aid.

[nz11]

Hi Brass

wow 43C that's on a different planet for us nz-ers....sounds very hot.

Make sure you got some ice cubes in that lemonade. Or better still  put some lemonade on your icecubes!! 

 

nz11

Its so hot I just saw two trees fighting over a dog! lol

 

p.s. apparently one of the threads in this intro forum is looking pretty hot too ....no where near 43 though  imo 

[brassmonkey]

"Its so hot I just saw two trees fighting over a dog! lol"    I'm stealing this one, it's too good to pass up.

 

Not the hottest we've had here at the house, that was 117F/47C several years ago.  But we don't usually have it go on for more than a couple of days.  It's just past midnight and still over 80F/26C so tomorrow is off to a warm start.

[brassmonkey]

In the past several days I have seen several posts commenting that someone should be great full because they only took a very small amount of medication.  I find these types of comments very upsetting because it diminishes what these people are going through, which is in no way less than any of the rest of us.  I posted this in reply to one of those comments and would like to share it here also so more people will see it.

 

"We have a sizable number of members who are in the same boat. Each having taken only between one an seven doses.  They are the really unlucky ones who got an immediate adverse reaction to the drug.  A horrifying experience to go through and then face the prospects of a long challenging recovery, all from one pill.  The shock factor alone is staggering. The fact that it was only a few pills doesn't diminish the impact that the adverse reaction has on ones psyche or life.  If it was one pill or a daily pill for 18 years, it makes no difference.  The result is the same, a shattered life filled with mental and physical suffering.  We say that each of our journeys is different, and they are.  But in many respects they are all the same and the root cause makes no difference.  We all need to be grateful that we are alive, we have the support of this community, are making progress in our recovery.  We also need to be secure in knowing that no one is more important or suffering more than anyone else just because they took their medication for a longer time."

 

 

[JS11]

Thanks Brassmonkey, 

A good reminder for everyone.  Suffering is suffering.  Not a contest.

 

Question:  Don't know if this is the place, but I needed guidance.  Reached out to a couple of members that I have spoken to so far, all 3 are on or have been on Escitalopram/Lexapro and whatever the Europeans call it.  Two of them are in Europe.  

Who how or where do I go to get suggestions with a dosage.  If you look at my signature, you will see the insanity prior to finding you all her.

 

Thank you,

JS

 

[brassmonkey]

Hi JS11-- thanks for dropping by.  Being such a personal experience with no set guidelines for comparison it can be really easy to slip into a "poor me" attitude.  So we like to take the opportunity when it comes up to remind people that it's not a contest.

 

The best place to ask questions is on your intro thread.  Then all the information will be in one place for easy reference.  It might take a day or so, but one of the mods will be past with some ideas.  I have house guests ATM, but I'll try to get back this evening.

[JS11]

Thank you, Brassmonkey. 

Trying to figure out the navigation can be a bit tricky.  So, for further clarification (when you get a break from your guests who I hope are lovely!,)  Just go to JS!! and post?  Or do I go to intros and updates?  I think that is what has me a bit confused.  

 

And yes, I can get sucked into that death spiral of negativity too.  Especially when I haven't had too many distractions.  

 

I see that you are from California.  In Washington, we always blame everything on you:  High housing prices from those darned Californians selling their homes and moving here, odd styles--at least back in the day prior to all the modern tech. and  myriad of travel possible, so now many are to blame for that apparently.  Hey, we even have a traffic stop or lack thereof:  when you come to a stop-sign, slow down without ever stopping, Yep. the California stop.  I guess you should feel honored.  I don't know if this is common with other nearby states as well.  Everyone just wants to hold someone else accountable I guess.  

 

I hope you are experiencing some coolness of some nature even the artificial air conditioned, kind and having a good visit with company.

 

take care,

JS

[brassmonkey]

At the upper left of the screen click on "Activity" then "My Activity Streams" then "Content I have started".  The first entry should be your Intro thread. That's the place to post your journal and questions.

[JS11]

Okay thanks!  Will do.

JS

[JS11]

On 8/23/2016 at 10:49 AM, brassmonkey said:

Hi Wantrelief-- Thanks for dropping by.  I posted this to DesertChild yesterday where I talk about poopout, stabilization and WDnormal.  I gives a bit of my background.

 

"You call it withdrawal normal, as said above when you have reached a base-line which is as good as it gets for you. Now I guess, I can start to think about that. "

 

As good as it gets for that moment.  WDnormal is a sliding scale of reference for tracking overall improvements in ones condition. As you're learning this is a very slow process and at first changes in WDnormal are very small and slow in coming. As time passes and ones body heals those changes become more pronounced and more frequent. But it can be frustratingly slow at first.

 

I'll bore you with a bit of my history so you can see how I came up with the idea of WDnrmal.  Many people find the time frames upsetting but I truly advocate going very slowly.   I'm one of the "lucky ones" in that I have only been on one drug, all be it for 23 years now, which makes things a lot easier to sort out. I originally started on Paxil for Spontaneous Outbursts of Violent Anger and it really helped.  In reality I should have been through counseling instead of being drugged, but that's an irrelevant part of the story.  After many years on the drug it wasn't working as well so I updosed.  That helped sorta but a few years later I needed to updose again.  That helped for a few months, then I started down hill.  It took a number of years and becoming totally messed up to figure out I was in severe tolerance, or what we lovingly call "poopout".

 

Just making the decision to do something about it was a terrifying experience but after 18 years of being drugged, my marriage on the rocks and about to lose everything (probably even my life) I decided to do something about it.     Again I was lucky and found a site called PaxilProgress before I made any changes. That started the entire process.  I liked the idea of the 10% taper, but made a couple of modifications to make it gentler, and started with that.

 

Nothing happened. I felt as bad as I had been.  Six weeks passed and I did my second drop. Nothing happened, except maybe I felt a bit worse.  This pattern kept up for about 18 months.  When one day it hit me, "I hadn't felt as c***** for the past several weeks".  It took another six months before I again noticed that things had improved.  During this whole time all I could do was move doggedly forward making the best of it and learning to put up with and work around the symptoms.  I really had no other choice.

 

A little after two years I had my first widow.  It lasted about fifteen minutes, and it wasn't until several hours later I realized it had happened.  That was the point that it sunk in that the process really did work.  Except for that window the rest of the time was heavy brain fog, DR, no short term memory, dizziness, all the symptoms we know and loath.  Another window opened briefly a few months later, and I noticed that I wasn't as "out of it" all the time and that I was gaining a little control over the symptoms by Acknowledging them, Accepting them and letting them Float off as I went about my life.

 

Finally after three years of tapering I felt like I was making progress. I could see that I was improved from where I had started even though I knew I was by no means better.  I also could see that I was doing better that I was just six months before.  I realized that my "base line of feeling like c***" was improving or how my WD symptoms normally felt was improving.  Hence WDnormal.

 

These last two years, it will be a total of five this fall, have brought fairly steady improvement.  I can see improvements on a month over month and sometimes week over week basis.  To the point that many people would say I'm back to normal by the way I function.  I know I'm not because I am still taking the drug and will be for the next several months. During my time on and tapering off of paxil I have learned a huge amount about myself, life and how to deal with things.  

 

I feel like I'm rambling now, but I hope this helps explain some of the process and you don't find it too disheartening because of the time frames involved.

Thank you for sharing your story, Brassmonkey.  It so helps to see another's progress....

Be well and take care,

JS

[brassmonkey]

Been out two nights in a row.  Tuesday was the Hollywood Bowl for the "New World Symphony" one of my faves and tonight was a play "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time". Very modern and took a little getting into but ended up being quite good. Now two day off then back to the Bowl for the season finale followed by a magic show on Sunday.

 

The heat wave has broken so things are a lot more comfortable now.  Almost pleasant to work outside.  It hasn't helped that I've been in a bit of a wave myself for the past few days.  Uncalled for agitation and anxiety.  It's been manageable but has caused its moments.  Took a couple of days to realize that it was a wave.  Now that I know I just have to ride it out, it should break in a couple of days.  Have to watch myself until then.

[Shep]

4 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

tonight was a play "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time".

 

Wow, I didn't know this was a play. I read the book many years ago. It's a very interesting book from the point of view of a teenager on the - sorry for using a label - Autism spectrum. I remember it being a great book without any vibe of "stereotype". In fact, it ended up in the Pubmed database:

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2542939/

 

Sorry, I know I'm digressing on your thread, Tom. But you reminded me of a good book and my inner nerd woke up a bit more this morning. 

 

Anyways, I'm glad you're doing so well in spite of the waves. Hope you have time to rest up. In fact, please make some time to rest up. It's important. 

[apace41]

5 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

The heat wave has broken so things are a lot more comfortable now.  Almost pleasant to work outside.  It hasn't helped that I've been in a bit of a wave myself for the past few days.  Uncalled for agitation and anxiety.  It's been manageable but has caused its moments.  Took a couple of days to realize that it was a wave.  Now that I know I just have to ride it out, it should break in a couple of days.  Have to watch myself until then.

 

Please do watch yourself, Tom.  With the heat lifting and the opportunity to get out and do stuff returning, I know your type (I AM your type) and you will be tempted to get things out of the way.  Resist that temptation as you remain in this little wave so that you can put it behind you and move on without regret.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[brassmonkey]

Can't believe it's the middle of the week already.  Went to the last two shows of the season over the weekend "The Muppets Take the Hollywood Bowl" and "Deception" by Steve Valentine.  Both were excellent.  Can't beat the Muppets for a fun show with fireworks and Steve is a great magician.  Did a bunch of work on the Haunted House, looks like we are a bit ahead of schedule ATM so we don't have to push too hard.  Had a breathing function test on Monday, but won't get the results for a couple of weeks.  Had to stop my medication for the lung inflammation because it was giving interdose WD symptoms and making things worse.  Twelve hours after taking it I would have real trouble breathing for about five hours. Now things are feeling tight in general, but I don't want to take anything for fear of not being able to breath.  The weather has cooled off a lot so things are much more pleasant all around.  I think the heat had a lot to do with my recent wave, which has lifted somewhat.  I have noticed that the not being able to breath thing does a good job of tripping off the anxiety, just doesn't make sense to me. LOL

[apace41]

15 minutes ago, brassmonkey said:

I have noticed that the not being able to breath thing does a good job of tripping off the anxiety, just doesn't make sense to me.

 

Now THERE"S a shocker!  LOL.

 

Glad you are doing better, Tom.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[brassmonkey]

I just posted the following on another thread and wanted to repost it here.  It addresses two different topics; making the mistake of thinking that our personal symptoms are worse than someone else's, and the idea that anhedonia is a bad thing.

 

We each make our own h*** out of WD, be it anhedonia, panic, anxiety, PGAD or what have you, and it's not up to us to judge how upsetting a particular set of symptoms is to another person.  We must acknowledge that our suffering is not greater or any less than anyone else's.  The rest of the world doesn't comprehend what we are going through.  The only ones we have to rely on are our fellow travelers.

 

When it comes to WD, anhedonia is natures way of protecting us from the excruciating experience of constant panic attacks, nonstop anxiety, adrenaline rushes, cortisol spikes, palpitations, suicidal ideation, intrusive thoughts and the like.  Your mind decides that it is better to feel nothing at all than to be put through the ringer 24/7 with emotions and sensations that wrack the body and soul, and the slow healing/recover process to a snails pace.  When the mind is allowed to feel nothing the body is then allowed to relax and direct it's energy to where it really needs to be used. This allows for faster more complete healing, less painful WD symptoms and a better quality of life.

 

Yes, anhedonia is no fun.  Primarily because we make it that way.  We all want to regain our feelings as fast as possible.  But we are in a healing situation where the body needs to be allowed to do what it needs to do, because it knows best how to put itself back together.  Once we understand this, accept it and stop fighting it we will start to heal at a faster rate and life will be much more pleasant as we do so.  Given a lifetime, the time spent in ADWD/recovery is insignificant.  We have all had our "life" cruelly taken from us and want it back now.  But to get it back fully we need to let the WD/recovery run its course, put on a brave face and accept what ever it throws at us, whether we can feel it or not.  With time, the healing will happen and when it knows we are ready our minds will allow us to feel our full range of emotions again and life will be even better.

[ChessieCat]

And I've just posted it in Best of SA

[brassmonkey]

That was quick, I barely got it copied into my own thread.  Glad you like it.  I think it's a very important point that we don't often get to talk about, but a lot of people would benefit from understanding.

[Prestorb]

Thank you for reposting this Brass, I had not seen it before and it rings very true! Also, I am sorry to see that you are in a bit of a wave and pray for continued healing for you. You are a great source of hope and inspiration here and I appreciate everything you do! (((HUGS)))

[ChessieCat]

1 hour ago, brassmonkey said:

I think it's a very important point that we don't often get to talk about, but a lot of people would benefit from understanding.

 

Might be good if you would add it to the anhedonia topic.  Maybe also add a link to it in Post #1.

[brassmonkey]

Good idea CC.  I reposted in the topic, but can't figure out how to link to a specific post.