☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

[apace41]

Wow, Petu! Just, wow!

 

I was finishing a long day and long week and tired and pissy and then I got this post and it was a great way to finish my drive home.

 

You SO deserve this!

 

So happy for you.

 

Continue your healing.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[downtongirl]

Congratulations Petunia!  

[elbee]

Glad things overall seem to be going well for you, Petunia! I also admire your courage to face the CPTSD as these feelings (memories?) come up for you. It sounds like perhaps as the fog lifts some of the pieces are coming together for you (when you say it's coming together). When this happens for me, I like to try and think of it as "dual recovery" - recovery from the meds and WD process, and recovery from whatever other hardships/traumas we have faced (which perhaps drove us to the meds in the first place).

[Petunia]

I'm feeling a bit guilty because I haven't logged on here for so long, but its because I've been feeling a lot better and have  been busy.  Instead of spending 23 hours a day on my bed, trying to stay occupied and distracted from awful symptoms, I'm usually up, dressed and actually doing something around the house or out.

 

I had a lovely 2 - 3 week window a while back, the kind where all my symptoms completely disappeared and I was sure I was fully recovered, then I came back to baseline unfortunately and was fighting the denial for a few days. But even so, my baseline has improved such a lot and apart from a 1 - 2 hour shaky period in the mornings following the transition from sleep, most of my symptoms now are physical and annoying rather than being completely debilitating.

 

The constant, intense fear has gone, which is such a relief. And the restless, depressed irritability which often followed the fear is also mostly gone. It returns briefly at times now, along with some short surges of neuro-emotion, but nothing lasts very long now, I seem to have the capacity to think my way back to a better state of mind, something I haven't been capable of for a long time.

 

I'm still getting a bit of dp/dr at times, especially in stimulating environments, but I would still rather be out doing something interesting, even though I have to take it easy at times still. After being pretty much restricted to my house and room for most of the last 4 years, its such a sense of freedom and exhilaration to be out in the world again, feeling safe and usually quite comfortable.

 

Some dizziness remains, but it comes and goes. I still get some physical pain, mostly on the right side of my body, but it seems to be related to when I overdo any physical activity. I'm also not back to normal cognitively, with some memory issues still remaining along with vocabulary and word recall, but I'm learning new things again and retaining much more of what I learn.

 

One of the most cruel symptoms, which I was certain would never lift, has reduced a lot. I'm able to experience positive emotions again, the anhedonia is lifting at a fast pace. The impact of all my emotions feels a bit overwhelming now, at times. After being drugged, and emotionally suppressed for so long, I'm having to adjust to feeling my own natural emotions again.

 

Its difficult now to draw a line between the remaining symptoms from withdrawal and issues related to the trauma of the whole withdrawal experience and what has resulted from spending more than 3 years, basically immobile and isolated from the outside world.... its changed me and I doubt I will ever be the same person again.  I'm yet to find out who I am now, without my symptoms, they have defined me and my life for so long. I can't go back to who I was before, this experience has changed my priorities and values to an extent, so I feel like I have some integrating to do, along with finding out who I am.

 

I was sure I wasn't going to recover. Eighteen months ago, when I was still suffering badly with intense symptoms for the majority of the day, I couldn't see ahead into a future where I would feel as well as I do now. There seemed no way out, even though I was partially recovered, I still felt very much stuck inside a nightmare world of frightening emotions and negative thinking, completely incapable of doing anything to help myself.

 

It was nothing but holding onto my belief, that everyone eventually recovers, that kept me going, even though at times I didn't even believe that. But with time, lots of it, I've been getting better and now I seem to have turned a corner, even though my last window closed.

 

If I had to attribute it to anything, it would be the juicing I've been doing. I've kept it up and now my diet contains a lot more nutrition from fresh vegetables every day. I juice mostly vegetables, adding maybe an apple or a pear or a couple of kiwis.

 

But it might just be a coincidence that my accelerated recovery rate coincided with juicing, I guess I will never know.

 

Thanks Andy, dt girl and elbee for visiting my thread and your encouraging comments.

[nz11]

That is a wonderful update Petu.

I can so relate to everything.

What an inspiring encouraging hope-filled post.

 

nz11

Its amazing what a kiwi or two can do go the kiwis' !!

[AliG]

Petunia.  Don't feel guilty - you deserve to enjoy this window of recovery.     This is such a positive update and I'm so happy for you . I hope this is perhaps a turning point for you and that you will continue to make giant strides forward in your healing. I've been doing the juicing and green smoothies also and I think it's been a major factor in my recovery , as well as time itself. I believe it " fills in the gaps" nutritionally that the drugs and today's lifestyle deplete.

This is awesome !

Ali

[downtongirl]

So Glad you are feeling better...I hope the improvement continues!

[brassmonkey]

This is sounding wonderful Petu. Be careful not to over do it though and trip things off again. Moderation not mania.

[Christian]

That's wonderful Petunia. Tears of joy for you today from me!

[Purplestars22]

Petunia, what a wonderful update on journey being close to recovering from this horrific experience. I can relate so much to what you have gone through. I think fellow c/t know the really low dephts of turmoil that wd can bring. I admire the way you write and express yourself on finding yourself and what has happened. I am not able to express myself the way you do because of cognitive difficulties but when I read your post I feel exactly the same way. It must be exhilarating to feel well and see light at the of tunnel on this journey. Ps22

[Cherry47]

Brilliant Petunia - so pleased for you!

[btdt]

I am so happy to read this update Petu live it... enjoy every moment you can. 

[WinningThrough]

Petu this is wonderful!! I'm so happy for you! You really really deserve it. You've had such a terrible time. I'm so, so, so glad things are changing at last!

[apace41]

Petu,

 

Knowing that you are showing these great signs of improvement is such an uplifting thing for so many of us.

 

Thank you and keep on healing!

 

Best,

 

Andy

[elbee]

Thanks for the update, and good to hear you're on the up and up. It's inspiring for me to hear you were in a place of such hopelessness but that you've been able to move through that dark place, where you can now find periods of happiness and joy in the present and envision a fulfilling future. I'm happy for you

[Hibari]

Very happy that you are experiencing relief Petunia, it's such a balm when it happens.

 

I also appreciate your honest perspective on how traumatizing withdrawal is as an experience.  That is very true and it does change us because of it.

 

I do believe in your ongoing healing and that you will have more insights to share.

 

Wishing you continued healing of the deepest kind. 

 

Hibari

[tntd]

Ever since I first came to this forum I have found your posts on various threads and on your own thread to be so inspiring. I can relate to so many of your symptoms and the isolation. Everytime I come upon one of your posts I have been uplifted and inspired. I'm so glad that you had such a wonderful window and that even your baseline is improving. 

 

Thank you so much for all your insights, I'm so happy for you and wish you continued improvements.

[Petunia]

Wow! Thanks everyone for your support, encouragement and comments. I'm so glad that documenting my recovery journey has been helpful to others, it gives it all some extra meaning.

 

I just checked in here while drinking my morning juice, I hate knowing that others are still going through the torment of what these drugs can do to us, it makes me sad and yes, a little guilty that I'm about to head out for a day exploring a neighboring town. But I'm looking forward to a day of adventure, while the rain holds off for another day.

[moodyblues78]

I just checked in here while drinking my morning juice, I hate knowing that others are still going through the torment of what these drugs can do to us, it makes me sad and yes, a little guilty that I'm about to head out for a day exploring a neighboring town. But I'm looking forward to a day of adventure, while the rain holds off for another day.

 

Let us know what pokemon`s you found  

[servadei]

Wow! Thanks everyone for your support, encouragement and comments. I'm so glad that documenting my recovery journey has been helpful to others, it gives it all some extra meaning.

 

I just checked in here while drinking my morning juice, I hate knowing that others are still going through the torment of what these drugs can do to us, it makes me sad and yes, a little guilty that I'm about to head out for a day exploring a neighboring town. But I'm looking forward to a day of adventure, while the rain holds off for another day.

Never ever feel gulity. You definitely earned it. Enjoy your adventure!!

[Junglechicken]

Wonderful news Petu!

 

After months and months of suffering in the darkness, you are now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel - you should be proud of yourself.

 

You have been incredibly brave, and are an example of what the human spirit is capable of.

 

I hope you will be able to plan more and more things to do in future as you start reclaiming your life.

[btdt]

Happy travels  

[grandmaD]

I am so glad for you too, it gives us a glimmer of hope!  I am keen to start juicing, as you seem to think that was the key!  What vegetables do you juice?

[Petunia]

Big, disappointing sigh ...

 

I guess I've been putting this off a few days, because I just don't want to accept it, but a wave hit a few hours after my last post, my adventure amounted to mostly me struggling to figure out what was going wrong, wondering why I wasn't enjoying anything any more and eventually giving up and heading home.

 

Suddenly, the dark shadow of fear, doubt, confusion and foggy thinking descended on me, there was no obvious outside trigger, so I started attributing it to things... it was the way that person looked at me, the way the buildings looked, the new housing developments which had grown so fast, too many people too busy all around me... and then when I was in another area, the lack of people, there was something wrong because the playground was deserted. Everything suddenly had an ominous, gloomy feel about it and I did too, but I kept going for an hour or two, then the physical pain started and temp dysregulation and over the course of the next few hours I descended into a full on wave and spent the next day in bed... that was Wednesday and I've been 'fighting' it ever since.

 

Bad dreams, waking in fear with adrenaline surges, not wanting to leave my room. Same pattern of waiting until evening to start feeling better. I've been trying to force myself to get up and go out, hoping that I can brush of the 'bad mood', but of course, it doesn't work, instead the increased stress brings increasing symptoms and I end up feeling like I will collapse if I don't get home to rest... and its all so frustrating because a week ago I was a completely different person who has now disappeared leaving me wondering if I imagined it all.

 

I'm in shock again, wondering how I could have felt so good, confident, capable, inspired, enthusiastic about life again and so hopeful, but now, be filled with darkness and dread again... it makes no sense, none at all and even though intellectually I understand its the windows/waves thing, emotionally, its very difficult to handle. My mind is constantly struggling to find a logical cause and a way to secure some control or predictability among all this chaos.

 

So for the last week, I've been mostly back in basic, survival mode. Still juicing though and still managing to get out for a few minutes later in the day to spin a few poke stops and catch the odd pidgy or voltorb, which is all we get in our little park during the day, so I guess as far as waves go, its still an improvement on how I was 2 years ago. I just didn't want to drop below baseline again, I really didn't want another wave (does anyone)

 

I'm fighting the negative thoughts too, my strong inner critic has inflated itself again and is telling me that I should have known better to think I could start enjoying myself and having fun, 'see..... this is what happens when you try and be like other 'normal' people who deserve to be happy, this is your punishment for thinking you could escape your destiny... blah blah'

 

Let us know what pokemon`s you found

 

Its hard to remember now, probably a few pidgeys and ratatas. Nothing amazing. I mainly went because in the ingress game, its a strong 'enlightenment/green' area and I needed some higher level portals to hack, I'm surrounded by blue portals around here, its good for fast leveling, but not so good for getting good items. But now that I'm back in a wave, it all seems ridiculous and somehow a very bad idea to spend my time running around chasing invisible things which end up as nothing but pixels on a screen... I should be...... ??? Acting my age, getting a job, helping other people, doing something more worthwhile....

 

Yesterday I was dealing with increased sound sensitivity again, every noise triggered surges of heat and adreneline rushes. I was hiding in my room, trying to protect myself from the onslaught, waiting for my daughter and her boyfriend to leave so it would be a bit quieter and hating myself for wanting my daughter to leave. Then I spent the next two hours in bed, trying to distract myself, just like I have been for the last several years... I hate this, its so not fair. I feel bad, sick, and can't do anything and not being able to do anything makes me depressed and miserable and hopeless and so I got up, got dressed and went out to find a (virtual) gym to train in. But in my current state, everything is feeling too difficult, too frustrating. My normal emotions are overwhelming, I can't tolerate them, my body starts shaking and I get overheated, DP/DR starts to increase and my brain shuts down, I forget where I am as things start looking weird.

 

I gave up that plan and drove towards the beach, thinking a gentle stroll along the walking trail might be more helpful... it sort of was for a few minutes, but it was cold and windy and I seemed to be more sensitive to extremes than I was last week and I felt the panic starting to rise the further I got from my car. Eventually I accepted defeat and went home, just as a storm hit, I wouldn't have been able to stay out anyway, but last week I would have tried.... I want my happy back

 

GrandmaD, after this little set-back, I'm not so sure juicing is as helpful as I thought it was. Apparently, I'm still in the 'normal' windows and waves pattern of recovery.  I wasn't expecting to be hit with a wave of symptoms this bad, having some of them return at a significant intensity at this stage with no obvious cause.

 

But I'm holding onto my faith in recovery, believing that a more nutritious diet and light exercise is probably helping, or at least supporting the healing process better than the alternative. I think a few posts up I listed what went into my juice recipe that day. Today I had:

 

Carrots, celery, spinach, red lettuce, lemon, ginger, kiwi, apple, pear, cucumber. I usually try and use more leafy greens, but I've run out and haven't been up to going out shopping as much as I was before the wave hit.

 

I'm sorry about this negative update, I thought about not including it, waiting until I was feeling better again before posting again, but if this is the way recovery happens, for me anyway, then I might as well continue documenting my reality as it is, hopefully this one wont last too long.

[bubble]

Dear Petunia,

 

it is so very precious I believe for all of us that you shared this with us. It is totally incredible how this healing happens and you are in totally unchartered territory where nobody has been before but many of us hoping to arrive at. You are telling us what it is like outside the tunel.

 

It takes an incredible amount of endurance and courage to go through this. Honestly, before you I wouldn't even think something like this wouldn't be possible. But i know that sometimes we just have no choice except to go on. I also depend on finding a cause to have  asense of contorl and can't accept that these things usually don't have rhyme or reason. These are totally unbeliavable twists and turns.

 

I believe this will be short lived and after this we again know that we can never know what to expect short term but long term healing is happening.

 

Big hugs!

[brassmonkey]

Hi Petu-- That's the problem with windows, they're frequently followed with waves. I'm so glad you had such an amazing several weeks and so sorry you're back in the thick of it.  The wonderful window gives you a solid base to AAF from.  You now know for certain that things can get better, and that all the thoughts and darkness you've slipped back into are all aborations  caused by WD.  If things hold to pattern this wave won't be as severe or last as long as before. Your healing is going quite well.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

[Petunia]

it is so very precious I believe for all of us that you shared this with us. It is totally incredible how this healing happens and you are in totally unchartered territory where nobody has been before but many of us hoping to arrive at. You are telling us what it is like outside the tunel.

 

 

Thanks bubble, it still surprises me that anyone finds my descriptions helpful or thinks there is value in continuing what feels like an endless repetition of the same cycle over and over.

 

I doubt many people end up going through this, especially those who taper properly. I think I'm a classic case of a long term medication user who stopped too fast, crashed badly and was further harmed by more attempts at irregular medication use to manage symptoms. Now I get to endure a multi-year protracted withdrawal and slow recovery process.

 

You are tapering Bubble, please don't worry that you will end up like me, with no control over your nervous system and its stability. With careful tapering, over a long enough time, it seems possible to keep hold of the reigns of your own life and not drive it off the cliff to crash at the bottom, shattering a NS into a million pieces, which then have to find their way back into place.

 

The Humpty Dumpty analogy is perfect, I think. As long as Humpty is still sitting on the wall, even if he has a few cracks and wobbles around a bit, he's still basically an intact, identifiable egg, with a shell, holding together everything which constitutes his functioning 'eggness'.  But once he falls off, as the rhyme warns, there's no fast fix for the damage.

 

That's the problem with windows, they're frequently followed with waves.

 

Yes, this seems to be my developing pattern. Windows are a fairly new addition to my pattern. My memory is bad, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't having regular windows for the first 2 years, just a slowly improving baseline, with regular waves. My first, real, multi-day windows started towards the end of last year,  a few months past the 2 year drug free mark.

 

Thank you for your encouragement Tom. This one has been in operation for 17 days now, but I think I'm over the worst of it and heading back towards baseline. The last 2 mornings haven't been as bad and I've been feeling 'better' earlier in the day again. During this wave, I'd gone back to experiencing symptoms all day again and only having a small amount of relief late afternoon or evening. But for the last two days, I've felt better earlier in the day again. My baseline from before this latest window/wave cycle was that I was feeling better from about mid-morning, so I seem to be heading back towards that.

 

Understanding and acceptance of my situation took me a long time, it was impossible to believe there was no fix for this. But I got there eventually and resigned myself to living what has come to feel like about 10% of a life.  I told myself stories which helped me believe that even a little bit of a life was better than no life, even if this reduced version is filled with some very unpleasant states and experiences.

 

The first half of this year, after a stress caused wave, I seemed stuck for months, then my baseline started rising again, I was so relieved, then my first window for 8 months. But at the time, as usual, I didn't recognize it as a window, not emotionally anyway, it was just my new reality with what seems to be my permanent present moment only perspective.

 

I'm wondering if this wave was caused by something which could have been avoided, so I can learn from it. It may have been a combination of too much 'good' stress, from suddenly getting out and about more than I was used to, getting a lot more regular exercise and experiencing 'too much' excitement and fun from my new hobby and pushing myself a little too much because of it. Followed by the emotional stress and shock of my sister almost having her house burn down when her insurance had lapsed. She's currently staying with our parents, because she's also sick from withdrawal, along with other physical conditions which make it impossible for her to take care of herself at the moment. She's bed bound and hasn't left our parents house for months. So her house is vacant at the moment, but someone had left the bathroom extractor fan running, it had overheated, caught fire and luckily had fallen into the toilet, it could have been much worse. But there is a lot of smoke damage and she is in no state to deal with it. Withdrawal makes us vulnerable and helpless and incapable of handling most of the normal responsibilities of life, so the thought of unexpected events and crisis is quite terrifying when in this state, the fact that life still goes on, bringing with it the bad stuff, is not something to think about, it adds more stress, which seems to be one of the main things to prevent or slow recovery.

 

I've done what I can to put myself in a situation with the least stress possible... which amounts to pretty much no life for myself, but its impossible to avoid stress from having bad things happen to our loved ones, that's been the source of most of my stress over the last few years and the added guilt of not being able to be as helpful and supportive as I want to be. Losing my ability to be the person I used to be, has been one of the most devastating aspects of going through this. All my physical and emotional resources have been used up, just on my own survival and getting through this, keeping myself alive from day to day, there has been very little left for anyone else, this is a very selfish process, for me anyway, its been the only way I've been able to survive I think.

 

Turning my focus away from trying to be the person I used to be and diverting my energy towards myself, was something of a turning point in my recovery. Its the moment when I realized that if I was going to survive, it had to be for me, there just wasn't enough life energy left here for anyone but myself. I got to a point of realizing that if I was going to survive, I had to emotionally let go of every other person in my life and make myself my own priority. Its been one of the hardest things I've had to do., but I feel I need to protect myself from the added stress for my own survival.  I'm not sure if life is worth living, having no emotional connections with other people, most of the time I feel completely alone and isolated, even when around others. There's also the guilt, which eats away at me, if I let it.  I hope this is a temporary stage and I will regain my ability to reconnect emotionally again.

[Bruin]

Hi Petunia.......I am in a bit of a wave and spent this morning in bed reading your thread and relate to so much .

Thank you for giving so generously even when you are going through the worst of it. Like you I am a long term user who stopped abruptly [ Effexor]

and has suffered ever since. However I am still on Mirtazapine and 3 mg of Diazepam. I will go very slowly with these.

 

I am not sure how to quote the last paragraph of your last post , I find tech things difficult,but that is very much where I am.

It feels wrong to be so self centred but there really is no option. I feel guilty about this particularly when it comes to supporting family  members.

 

Going back I relate to be able to go shopping but then not be able to unpack the stuff for  days. 

The Mornings being worst, waking with adrenaline surges at 5 am and not being able to sleep again etc....

 

However I am so pleased to read that you have had significant windows recently.....they will return. It is just such a frustrating and slow process.

 

With al Warmest Best Wishes 

 

Bruin..

[divalee]

Petu

 

I am so sorry for this set back - just think though that you have had long and wonderful windows and they will appear again. 

 

I have been in protracted withdrawal from Zoloft for 3 years and 3 months now and very seldom have even a small window.  But a couple of weeks or so ago - I did have a small window at night - I couldn't believe it - it started at 6 pm that night and I felt almost normal, I didn't know how to be - I didn't want to go to bed because I knew the horror of waking up in a sweat, high anxiety and crying .....but I DID have a window - so I have some hope again -  but of course I am back in this horrible wave again.

 

I am so happy that you have come so far - this is just a little set back and you will be in your windows very soon again.

 

You are an inspiration giving many of us hope Petu.    You will be just fine -  Bless you and my prayers are with you

 

Love

Lee (f)

[Petunia]

Thanks Bruin and divalee for stopping by my thread, I appreciate the support. I'm sorry you are both also going through this, but at least we have each other and places online where we can get some validation and understanding.

 

I'm still not doing too well, having a hard time leaving my room until mid-afternoons. I'm right back to the same old pattern of making plans during the evenings for the next day, then waking up into waves of fear and physical sensations which keep me hiding, self-protectively in my little sanctuary until I feel comfortable enough to venture out for the day.

 

After feeling so well for a couple of weeks, then being back here, I'm also causing myself more stress by non acceptance again. I don't want to still be going through this.....

 

I just read a recent post from beyond meds, which Monica linked to in the symptoms forum, it was right on target for me today, so I wanted to copy part of it here to my thread...

 

Commenter 1: Monica…this is very vulnerable but I guess it’s the place available to ask. I hope it serves others here as well. Regarding the fractured places. I’ve been experiencing this in a very extreme and intensified way this past week. There are certain stressors and recent traumas that have activated this in a bigger way this week (the loss of a meaningful connection, the disintegrating of my relationship with my therapist and feeling a loss of total trust given what happened with her, and other things). I can feel that what is happening is too big, too much for my system and being to hold…this is what happened before and blew me open…experiencing the “unbearable” as the book excerpt refers to. I don’t typically relate to the term mental illness but the past two days I feel so fragmented and disturbed by the experience of trauma alive in me that I actually feel mentally ill. I know some of this is physical/chemical too. My brain, body, and soul still needs a lot of help to come into balance (including all the methylation and histamine issues, etc). I would like to know if this resonates with your experience and anyone elses. Have you felt so fractured/ fragmented and intolerably alone (especially in those young places) that you felt your brain collapsing in on you and a sense of disintegration? Disintegrating is what’s been part of my experience. Anyone relate? Any suggestions…I’m reaching out in different places. On some level I find myself wondering if I really do just need medication to balance myself even though in my heart of hearts I want to do this the organic way. I also feel so energetically porous that I can’t tolerate people being close by to me even though I also really need company.

 

Monica Cassani: yes, disintegrating is actually part of the waking up process and systematic elimination of ego…it ain’t fun and it can be too much for our nervous systems when we are drug injured…do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. It’s not easy and unfortunately there are few places to get reliable support at certain junctures so we do have to create it for ourselves. I am actually in a disintegrated state right now as well. I’ve learned to hang with it mostly but it’s, by nature, a challenging part of this trip, for sure. Trust yourself and do what you need to do to keep safe. Whatever that is…you will know. Also, let yourself feel the fear…really feel it…that has been the way through for me.

 

from  https://beyondmeds.com/2016/08/28/parts/

 

I'm having the same problem as the commenter with feeling energetically too open to be around other people, but needing company. I've always been somewhat like this my whole life, but its been tolerable and at times it has brought an enriching sense of closeness and connectedness in wanted relationships. But now, I'm hypersensitive and its all too overwhelming. When I'm out and around other people, I seem to be shut down and closed in, in a way which feels very wrong to me. I used to feel a kind of intimate connection with everything around me.... nature, animals, people, even inanimate objects, but now, for my own protection, I find myself encased in a thick shell, its the only way I manage to get out into the world these days.

 

Monica advises feeling the fear, that's been one of my tools for getting through this, to allow myself to feel whatever comes up. But there's so much fear which keeps arising and I wonder how much longer its going to keep coming like this. How much more is left down there to be released? It seems like I'm letting go of lifetimes of suppressed trauma, being released as ongoing waves of fear and despair.

 

Waking up and ego 'elimination', would probably be much easier without a drug damaged nervous system, as Monica suggests. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't just have one thing going on here.

[Bruin]

Oh Petunia.....am so sorry that you are still going through it and the wave is continuing. I relate to some of your patterns. 

I feel a  bit better in the evening and make plans  for what I will do tomorrow which then are hard to execute 

without incurring intolerable stress. 

 

And yes the struggle with acceptance makes it much harder. Acceptance is key to getting through this ordeal. 

To remain positive and hopeful whilst accepting that there are going to be some rough passages that can last a long time.

 

I have been going through WD for 18 months but only begun to get educated about it 6 months ago.

This time last year I went away with a group of friends and felt like I was probably dying and not going to make it back.

I am about to go away with the same friends again and can track that I am in a marginally better place. 

I have less DP/DR and the intense nausea has left me. Though I sometimes find company impossible I have had times of feeling connected.

It is a glacial process but am celebrating the progress knowing that it will get better despite the setbacks. 

 

Cheering you on Petunia. Thank you for all that you give here. Your honest really helps ......It is so much better to tell it how it is.

 

With all best wishes for clearer waters.

 

Bruin

[MissSerene]

 How much more is left down there to be released? It seems like I'm letting go of lifetimes of suppressed trauma, being released as ongoing waves of fear and despair.

 

 

Petunia: Just wanted to say hi and hang in there. How are you today? The quote above really got to me...I feel this way so often. Recently, have been having high anxiety and crying jags, and wonder if it is "old" emotion and trauma coming out, or whether it is "neuroemotion" that has little to do with my past. This is so very hard some days, isn't it? Anyway, thinking of you with hugs today.

[AliG]

Petunia.  I know and understand the feeling of having a window " shut tight " on you just as you are gaining hope, as I have experienced it many times myself during this process. Unfortunately, I'm no stranger to trauma either. As if it's not bad enough already, it gets amplified in withdrawal and the intensity of it can be overwhelming at times.

 

On a positive note, it really does get better in time but everyone's timetable of healing is different as we all know.

All I know is that it does happen. If it can for me, it can for you too.

 

I thought with my history , I would have Tardive Dysphoria forever. It seems to be dissipating and that gives me hope, not only for myself but for anyone else with this possible long term effect from the drugs. It is not always permanent.

 

I'm still finding " juicing " to be one of the things I have control over that is really helping in my recovery . I think it's assisting my body and giving it what it needs in a very concentrated way - feeding my cells with life giving nutrients !  I feel it's helping me to fight my way back . I wouldn't give up on it yet if I were you.

 

I know you are a fighter too and I hope things turn around for you. You have shown strength and courage. I admire your tenacity.

Hugs,

Ali

[Shep]

Hi, Petunia.

 

 

What you wrote resonated with me, as well, especially this part:

 

 

 

 

I'm having the same problem as the commenter with feeling energetically too open to be around other people, but needing company. I've always been somewhat like this my whole life, but its been tolerable and at times it has brought an enriching sense of closeness and connectedness in wanted relationships. But now, I'm hypersensitive and its all too overwhelming. When I'm out and around other people, I seem to be shut down and closed in, in a way which feels very wrong to me. I used to feel a kind of intimate connection with everything around me.... nature, animals, people, even inanimate objects, but now, for my own protection, I find myself encased in a thick shell, its the only way I manage to get out into the world these days.

 

 

This sounds you may be experiencing depersonalization. Dp/dr is my worst symptom, but I found that as difficult as can be, when I re-framed it as a "protective force" and took the mindset that it was helping me more than hurting, it made it easier.

 

I hate the way this experience separates us from everyone around us, from nature, from animals, and even from ourselves.

 

But withdrawal hits the fear center of the brain, exposing it like an open wound in a very cold world, and somehow, I do believe this "shutting down" process is a way of shielding us from even more pain. I had a lot of PTSD flashbacks during parts of my withdrawal and the dp/dr seemed to keep me from "connecting" too much to that past trauma. Unfortunately, it also separated me from friends, nature, and my spirituality. It does come with another kind of pain, it seems. 

 

I found distraction to help. Online games, guided meditations, taking walks in a nearby park (if being outside isn't too difficult), and listening to soothing music. 

 

This is one of my go-to videos for soothing music:

 

Beethoven Moonlight Sonata with Relaxing Nature Sounds [ Sleep Music ]

 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. I hope this difficult part of the journey passes soon. Remind yourself often - this is temporary. This will pass. You will be okay. 

 

[Petunia]

I wasn't planning on visiting my own thread today, but have found myself here anyway. Thank you Bruin, MS, AliG and Shep, being able to share this difficult experience with others who understand is what has kept me going these last few years. I don't think I'm in depths of a wave anymore, but my pattern has taken an unfamiliar turn, something is different.

 

Like Shep suggested, it seems to be a kind of DP/DR, which also has been one of my worst symptoms. But its different from the way it was earlier in my process, it used to have a very frightening, altered reality kind of quality, but now its more like thick fog, which is an improvement, but still not pleasant.

 

Dealing with past trauma and emotional wounds seems to be happening in cycles beyond my control. Slowly, I'm starting to see it all clearly for what it really was, I'm coming out of denial and accepting just how painful much of my past life experience has been. Its emotionally overwhelming at times, but underneath, when a big chunk of darkness gets released, I keep finding little parts of myself which actually feel good.

[Shep]

Thanks for sharing this, Petunia. You're ahead of me in recovery, and I really found a lot of comfort in this line - "when a big chunk of darkness gets released, I keep finding little parts of myself which actually feel good."  

 

You're handling all of this with such grace. Thanks again.