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Petunia

☼ Petunia: Recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use

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Pepita

yea its hard for other people to understand! Luckily I have at least my mother and my bf on my side who understand that this takes a long time and that there's ups ans downs for a long time. But many close friends- who I don't blame for this of course- ask me again and again when I am in a wave: "But WHY are you having this again, poor you"! and I feel silly repeating that this is STILL withdrawal after about a year and though they don't say it I got the impression that some believe me and some think that I'm just little bit insane;)

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Petunia

I've run out of SA time today, no time for catching up with my own thread, but wanted to document my current windowish thing going on. It started quite suddenly, mid morning 3 days ago. First one in almost a year. I felt normal and my motivation, creativity and energy was back. So I made the most of it and created a new recipe for using the left over pulp from the juicing I do. It turned out great, tastes ok and solves 2 problems.

 

I don't think its a full, open window though, because I'm still feeling a bit awful for an hour or two each morning, but after that...... normal. More normal than I've felt since the middle of last year.

 

But, I'm still struggling with my emotions at times. Not really struggling, but feeling a bit overwhelmed by their intensity. This might actually be the real me, which has been blunted by drugs for so many years and I just need to get used to them again.

 

Apart from that..... yay! for windowish days :)

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apace41

Petu,

 

I know it's not perfect, but a 90%+ window sounds really, really good and hopefully the start of your next level of true healing.

 

So happy for you.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Pepita

yeahhhh!!! every window is so very welcome????

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mammaP

I'm so glad that window has opened again Petu, and hope it stays open!  :)

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Petunia

Thanks everyone, for comments, encouragement and support.

 

I was wrong, this isn't a window, I've made a bit of a leap in my baseline. Maybe I did have a complete open window for a day, I'm not sure, but I seem to have stabilized at a much higher baseline of feeling and functioning than before it.

 

I'm still getting a couple of hairy hours every morning, in fact they have changed a bit. More nausea, less shaking and inner vibrations. Not so doomy, but something which feels like a cross between anxiety and excitement when I wake up now. It used to be pure terror, panic, but now its slowly morphing into enthusiasm for the day.... I think.

 

A bit of shadowy doom still floats around the edges of me, especially right after I wake up and it could probably get worse if I focused on it. So I ignore it and then it no longer bothers me. But whatever it is, is always there, just under the surface. Its a kind of low level, rumbling fear. I think it comes from a very deep and ancient place, and has been around for a long time. It feels like a kind of pre-verbal, survival instinct, expressed only in sounds and self protective movements. It makes me want to curl up in a tight ball, crying and whimpering like a helpless infant, abandoned by its parents and left to die.

 

My emotions are still feeling exaggerated, but they are no longer overwhelming and almost impossible to handle. I'm learning to accept whatever emotions flow through me and have developed the confidence to know that I can handle all my feelings, even when they are very unpleasant.

 

Anger is calming down now, I think maybe I'm getting to the end of all the repressed anger I had stored up. Now I think I'm going into a loneliness stage. It has a bitter sweet quality to it because I'm feeling it deeply without attaching to it, or making it personal, so its painful, but light at the same time.

 

Underneath all these difficult emotions, which I'm fully feeling and accepting, for the first time in my life, is emerging a new strength, which I never experienced before. I'm ok. I don't have to fix anything or do things to block out emotions I can't handle. I'm free and in control of my choices for the first time in my life. I can really choose how to live because I'm no longer being controlled by my emotions.

 

Funny thing is though, there's not much I want..... to do or have. Its like about 90% of everything which used to motivate me or compel me into action has dropped away. I'm realizing just how much of my life was driven by my emotions, either trying to escape from the uncomfortable ones or trying to stimulate the pleasant ones. Now I just accept whatever comes and there doesn't seem to be anything to do any more... but its ok. I remind myself of a cat, laying in a sunny spot on a cool morning. Everything if fine right now, there's nothing to do, nowhere to go and the sun feels warm right here, so what else could be more important than just living this moment exactly as it is.

 

Withdrawal has honestly been a journey through hell. I can't imagine living through anything worse and actually surviving. But I've emerged out the other side and feel like I'm taking my first, tentative steps into a new kind of life, as a baby again.

 

Everything looks the same as it always did, but the part of me which gave it all meaning has dropped away and I'm seeing things differently, with no opinions or judgements. Things just seem to be the way they are, and its ok. Of course lots of things are not ok, but in every moment, there is a core of peace and acceptance, which I seem to have access to now.

 

I don't know if I'm going to stay like this now. Its both pleasant and strange... but feels like an authentic way to live. Its like I'm reconnecting with my original animal nature, but without losing the advantage of a human consciousness.

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apace41

Wow, Petu!

 

So much BETTER than a window!

 

I'm so happy to see you healing like this.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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brassmonkey

Hi Petu--  what an amazing break.  Some times they hit like a bolt from the blue.  There come a point in every recovery when you know that things have changed for good and it looks like you've just passed it. I have found that the goal in is not things or happiness, or achievement but rather contentment.  The ability to say "things are good with me".  It's so different from what the rest of the world thinks, but it's a wonderful place to be.

 

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

 

Tom

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btdt

Hello Petu I see you have found your internal cat  :D I love this..

 

" I remind myself of a cat, laying in a sunny spot on a cool morning. Everything if fine right now, there's nothing to do, nowhere to go and the sun feels warm right here, so what else could be more important than just living this moment exactly as it is"

 

and this...

 

" in every moment, there is a core of peace and acceptance"

 

I wish you continued peace and am very happy for you.

 

I looked you have been here 5 years... I hope this is it.

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Petunia

Four years ago in May, 2013 I found this site and learned what was wrong with me. That's when I stopped trying to fix myself with pharmaceuticals. So I've been drug free for 4 years now.

 

Unfortunately, I'm celebrating my 4 year anniversary with a wave.

 

Sometimes waves crash fiercely onto rocks, hitting with a sudden exploding force. But this wave has risen slowly from what had become an ocean of calm, so I wasn't sure what was going on until now. But without a doubt, I'm being tumbled around and around like a little person inside a front loading washing machine....again.

 

Specifically..... a return of frequent waking through the night with physical sensations of fear and panic, temperature dysregulation, pain in my feet, bad dreams and worsening morning symptoms which continue longer into the day. Yesterday, I got no relief all day and was still feeling shaky with doomy, gloomy thoughts and mood until late into the night. I spent all day trying to find distractions and comforting material on the internet, but ended up watching a disturbing hidden camera documentary about north Korea, and what's really going on there, which wasn't comforting at all. But it stopped me feeling sorry for myself.

 

I've started hugging my toy bunny plushie at night again. I haven't needed him for ages, but I'm needing that security blanket again. Agoraphobia has kicked in and I'm not leaving my room much again. Last weekend, I started to suspect something was going downhill because while I was out, I was getting those old feelings of wanting to rush back home to 'safety'. DP/DR had increased and everyone around me were seeming strange and alien. It was very unpleasant, so I didn't stay out long. Its disappointing, disorienting and confusing, which makes it all so much worse. A few months ago I had been at the same place, doing the same things and feeling fine... happy, calm, enjoying myself. But suddenly, nightmare world had returned, throwing me into an altered reality.

 

When a wave hits like this, its as if all the months of recovery in between then and now didn't even happen. I'm right back were I was 2 years ago when my entire existence was a nightmare and just getting around the corner to the store for a few basics was a major ordeal. I'm flooded with memories of how bad it was and frightened because its come back. The monster hiding in the closet had gone, but now its back. Hard to explain, but its like I've been thrown back into the past as well as having to live through the present difficult time. New fear and old fear combined. Plus the usual wave phenomenon of not being able to see outside of the current moment and realize emotionally that this is going to get better again.

 

Waves are particularly cruel, because they wash away all the hard earned recovery, throwing us back into the fiery pit of acute suffering and it feels like we have to do it all over again, that the months of enduring, struggling, hanging on, hoping, waiting..... were all for nothing. Its not the truth, of course, but this is what it feels like.

 

The inner critical voice has resurrected itself too. It whispers its hurtful messages all day, trying to convince me that this is my own fault and what I deserve because I'm a bad girl and don't listen and need to learn how to do as I'm told and how to behave properly and....... if I had just.... blah blah....... then this wouldn't have happened. This is my punishment and exactly what I deserve.

 

Echoes from a childhood where I was the scapegoat for my parents inability to nurture, support and care for me. My emotional needs were ignored and invalidated, I was punished for having them. Somehow, I manged to integrate that cruel, punishing external parent into my own psyche and bring it with me, to continue its soul torturing tirade into adulthood. Here it is now, absolving itself of all blame, pointing its crooked finger at me. This is my fault and I'm getting exactly what I deserve because I didn't..... what? Well, because I didn't live up to their impossible expectations and fulfill their unmet emotional needs and comply uncomplainingly with their own personal agendas. My crime was having needs of my own.

 

I do, I have needs of my own, and right now I need acceptance, encouragement, emotional support, hopeful messages and validation that this is all normal, given the circumstances...... its just a wave and they can happen after 4 years of solid recovery time, especially if you start introducing supplements which you may still be sensitive to.

 

Not that I did anything wrong by trying vit D3 again. I'm sure I need it, and at first it was helping to improve my mood. But the first inklings of this wave started soon after I had started taking 2000 iu every morning. Maybe I should have started with a much lower amount. No, there's no maybe, I should have done, but that's what I had in the house and I felt sufficiently recovered enough to believe it would be ok.

 

Maybe it was ok, and this wave was going to happen anyway. But I didn't take any yesterday and last night I didn't wake up once all night long..... coincidence? I don't think so.

 

I thought I would be writing something positive and inspiring at 4 years drug free, but ironically, I've been hit with an anniversary wave.

 

Oh! I don't care, I've survived, my brain and body are on the recovery path, I'm still headed in the right direction, even if it doesn't feel like it right now, I'm going to celebrate anyway.....

 

blowing-a-kazoo-smiley-emoticon.gif

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Altostrata

Oh, Petunia, hugs to you, keep on keeping on. We love you, you know that, don't you?

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Pepita

Petunia, you write so beautifully!!!!!! You put so well into words what I feel when these waves come crushing! uff it's certainly extra cruel to experience a wave like this on a 4 years- off- anniversary! Maybe you were expecting to feel specially good four years off? I always become more wavy when going away for a weekend for exple because I could not have done so a year ago so I am over the hills that I can... and bamm, there comes the wave;)

But anyway, it is still an amazing amazing amazing achievement to be 4 years off and if I understand correctly from

your post- you do have times in which you feel looooooots better, windows where it seems that the nightmare is over. And you have felt very bad before that. So this time, this will end too!! and then it will be hard to remember how the wave felt! at least you can cross off one wave from your list on your way to full recovery:)

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Happy2Heal

(((((Petunia)))))

oh the waves are cruel, aren't they?
much of what you wrote mirrors many of my experiences, both with waves and with my childhood. When I have a wave, I too, often feel as if I'm being punished. I wonder what I did wrong... but also wonder, if the wave would have happened anyway. Sometimes It feels a bit better to think it was something I did, which means I could possibly have some control over these waves...to get back some power over the situation. Cuz lord knows, accepting and floating can wear on you over time.

 

I pray that this is your last wave EVER and that you could out of this feeling even more healed than you thought was possible.

your brain is doing more work to return to it's pre-chemical state, after all, right?

 

congratulations on your anniversary!! with any luck, you will be enjoying at least part of this day, and many more in the future.

you're so strong! look at how far you've come!! you have handled all of this with such grace, you are an inspiration to me and I'm sure many others

 

and I echo what Pepita said, you do write so beautifully!

 

sending you gentle cyber hugs

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brassmonkey

Hi Petu-- I'm so impressed with how far you've come in the past several years.  As you've stated, this is just a wave and will wash over you soon enough and all that stuff in your head is just random things that the drugs are dragging up to entertain themselves.  You've been fine for months and will be fine again soon. Ride it out, let it happen and most of all "DON'T PANIC". My color pallet doesn't have friendly orange but that's pretty close.

 

((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

 

Brass

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doggiemama

Oh how my heart bleeds reading all this . I'm also not feeling great after 3 years and it makes us feel very lost . But we stronger than most hang in there

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mammaP

I am so sorry that you are having a wave when you have had such a lovely window.  It will pass just like the ones before it and I hope it settles back very soon. The rainbow will come back after the storm. 

 

(((Mamma hugs))) 

post-1803-0-84130000-1494978200_thumb.jpg

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Cherry47

Petunia, I can only echo the above posts - never forget you are an inspiration to all of us!

 

I am pleased to see others commenting on your writing skills as well. I would still love to see you write an article about the misery these drugs cause and send it off to the major newspapers to spread the word that this is happening!

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MollyN

Lots and lots of love Petunia, I'm so glad you're such a big part of making this community so special xxx

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Happy2Heal

just stopping by to send you a big cyber ((((Hug)))) and hoping that you're feeling better

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Petunia

Thank you everyone, for all your lovely words of support and encouragement. I really haven't been here on the site much since I last posted and I'm only just catching up with my own thread.

I'm still in the same wave. Earlier this week I thought it was starting to lift because I had a reasonable few hours and maybe a day of feeling a bit better, its hard to remember now, waves bring back memory issues and I lose track of time.

There's really nothing new to write. I'm back in the same cycle from about 2 years ago. Same symptoms, but not quite as intense, but bad enough to make me realize that I'm not close to being fully healed and not stable enough to put any kind of plans or goals into place. I desperately want to get on with the rest of my life, to explore what could be possible now, after what I've been through and with all that I've learned. But my body is still my jailer, I guess I'm not ready for freedom yet.

The windows I've had have been brief glimpses into a miraculous possibility, which is still cruelly out of reach.

I remember during the first couple of years of this, I was considering getting a puppy. There was some discussion here on my thread about it. I was hesitant because I didn't think I was ready for the responsibility. During windows I came close to going ahead and buying a puppy, but I'm so glad I controlled my impulsiveness.

The guilt now, of not being able to take care of a pet properly, would just add to the current misery.

I'm blaming myself for this wave, just like I'm blaming myself for every other bad thing which has ever happened to me, including my decision to start taking antidepressants in the first place. Its my childhood conditioning, what I was programmed to do. When something goes wrong, its my own fault somehow. This goes very deep and adds another painful layer to this whole experience.

A return of disabling symptoms which render me barely functioning again, followed by shame, guilt, self loathing, because I should have.........

you can fill in the blank with anything, it doesn't even have to make sense, the message always was and still is that I am to blame because I did something wrong.

I think I was programmed with a belief that there is always a right and a wrong way to do everything. My way is usually the wrong way and the reason why things sometimes go wrong. If I did everything the way every one else does things, or the way I'm expected to do things, then nothing would go wrong.

But I was incapable of conforming to social norms, especially those which didn't make any sense to me, and most of them don't. But marriage and having a family brought added pressure to 'be normal', but I never managed to squash down enough of my real self in order to pull it off convincingly. I was never very good at pretending and found it almost impossible to go along with the crowd if something didn't make sense to me. There has always been a lot of inner conflict in my life..... wanting to be normal and fit in, but knowing I'm different and wanting to be genuine and authentic to who I really am. Lots of anxiety and self doubt, which was conveniently numbed somewhat by 13 years of antidepressants. I bought into the 'anxiety disorder' diagnosis and took my medicine, it did seem to help at first. Well after I got over the first few months of the worst depression I'd ever had in my whole life up to that point. Antidepressants made me depressed, you would have thought that would have been a red flag, but I was tired of the struggle, I wanted to be relieved of the blame. I wanted it to be an illness with a cure. I wanted redemption and to be accepted, to feel what it was like to be normal and free from inner conflict, I wanted peace.

More than anything I wanted to be a good parent, to give my daughter the love, support and acceptance I never got as a child. But I also wanted her to be able to function comfortably in the surrounding culture, and fit in, so she wouldn't have to go through what I did, all the inner conflict and turmoil. It seemed to be a matter of balance. I didn't have it naturally, but I think antidepressants brought me more into balance with my surrounding environment and helped me model normality for my daughter.

Most of the significant people in my life, from birth have put a lot of effort into trying to make me appear normal, or whatever their version of normal was. I just wanted to be me, and to be loved and accepted just the way I was, but that didn't happen.  The man I married wanted a traditional kind of wife, an image to compliment his own self image of breadwinner and provider. On the surface that seemed like a healthy, stable foundation for raising a family. But it was a copy of the family I grew up in and I started to feel like I was living the nightmare of my childhood all over again. There was no space for individuality, honesty, growth or genuine emotional expression. I found myself trapped in my own parents marriage, the drugs helped me stay there longer than I otherwise would have done. They made it easier to endure the lie, to play a role and ignore the call towards truth, which had haunted me from birth probably.

Maybe its a good thing, ultimately, but the longer this withdrawal is going on, the more I seem to be waking up to the reality of just how much I was emotionally harmed by the kind of parenting I received as a child, how it lead me to the choices I made and how the damaging relationships continued into my adult life.

This was done to me over and over again, until it became part of my unconscious inner dialog. If I have a problem or difficult emotion or something bad happens to me, or if I get sick, its because I did something wrong, or didn't do something I was supposed to do. The reality that life can be difficult and humans are, well...... human, just wasn't accepted in my family. No messy emotions, problems or sickness allowed. I had to pull up my socks, push down my emotions and just get on with it. Don't do anything to make 'them' look bad. Don't cause any problems, don't be an inconvenience, don't do anything to attract attention, especially not negative attention, don't take any risks, don't upset anyone else, do what you are told, be quiet, basically don't exist unless you are doing something of value or benefit to to someone else, mostly them because 'look at all the sacrifices we are making for you to have a better life than we did as children'..... its obvious now, the manipulative guilt. But at the time it seemed to be the truth and so this critical, controlling parent became part of me. Constantly there in the background of my life, forcing me to abandon huge parts of who I really am in order to be acceptable. To survive emotionally I had to cut off parts of myself and pretend they didn't exist. This harsh, judgemental parental figure took the place of all the parts of myself I pushed down.

But I can't do that now, I'm too sick. The drugs I took for years, to help push down all those inconvenient emotions have backfired on me. They no longer work and I can hardly get on with anything now, no matter how I wear my socks.

I'm back in a wave, its not going away yet and I'm helpless to fix it. My conditioned self criticism keeps cycling around, adding punishment to the pain, threatening even worse horrors if I don't start behaving properly...... but I can't, and so blind panic rises and I get an ominous feeling that I'm about to drown in a torrent of unnameable horror. There seems to be no way out of this ongoing cycle. My truth is coming up into the light, piece by piece, bringing with it cascades of overwhelming emotions, which I habitually condemn myself for. Sadness and anger bubble up, filling my whole body until I almost cant breathe. My soul silently screams 'why, why me?'

....and sadly, even my pre-birth soul is to blame for the difficult life its had to endure, it was too impatient to wait for a more suitable family to be born into, in spite of being advised to wait. So, I even have a bad eternal soul :wacko: My inner critic is good, it has an answer to blame me for everything.

I think this is a combination of withdrawal, teamed with my own particular dysfunctional beliefs, about myself and life.

The theme of acceptance seems to run through most of this thread. Its the one thing which has consistently brought some relief, no matter how bad its been. Its the one thing I've never been able to get from significant others in my life, I'm learning how to give it to myself. Its easy to accept ourselves when life is going well and there are no problems. Its when things go wrong that the kind of parenting we received is reflected in our self talk, and how well we manage.

I feel like I'm not only a survivor of psychiatry, but also a survivor of poor parenting and a narcissistic family structure. I was a victim in my family, helpless and dependent, as children are. My personality developed around an ongoing struggle to survive, not physically, but emotionally. I unconsciously carried these self defeating patterns into my adult life and here they are right now, with the light of understanding shining on them.

 

I'm in a wave, I'm still sick, I feel like crap, my emotions are difficult right now, I can't do much and my punishing, self serving inner parent is running its old program, trying to manipulate reality with guilt and shame. Its not fixing anything, but just making everything worse, kind of like antidepressants really.

 

Maybe the silver lining in this whole ordeal is that its an opportunity for me to learn to accept myself exactly the way I am, to give myself what my parents were unable to give me as a child.... complete acceptance of my whole self, including the inconvenient, sick, weak, vulnerable, needy, emotional human parts.

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stan

hello,

 

i sometime read only a little, because of my english,

 

sorry for waves

 

bye

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Pepita

Hi Petunia,

so sorry to hear that this wave is still lingering over you:/ do you reflect that much on your childhood when you are having a window as well or is this typical wave talk? I for sure can say that everything (and specially specific topics) are tainted black when having a wave- and as soon as a window appears my thoughts don't go in that negative spirals any more.

 

as for your last paragraph: that's exactly what I think should be the ultimate goal for each one of us:) no matter if in WD or not-though the challenge get's definitely bigger with such obstacles.

 

I really hope that you'll be out of this wave for a while as soon as possible! Better times will come!

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Pepita

ps: I forgot to say add that I got a puppy about 8 months into WD and I couldn't have managed it without the help of my boyfriend. It was horrible horrible - I could not deal at all with any part of it. I was waiting all my life for a dog and what should have been the happiest time of my life was one of the most stressful experiences ever!! BUT there are also many many positive aspects in which she helps me with my issues because even on bad days I push myself to walk her or snap out of thought circles because I do some training with her instead. you have a daughter so you've already had the parenting experience- a dog is very similar, there are many parallels but the dog doesn't mind if you are sad or anxious. They certrainly feel it but you don't have the pressure to pretend anything;) if you have family or friends around who would help you with the puppy that could work but if I could redo it I'd probably take in an adult dog that's calm and already knows a lot;) And I would recommend to get a dog with a proper weight and strength for your size. Believe me, it takes time

til a dog learns to walk properly on a leash, not pulling towards other dogs or people and so on. My dog is pretty strong and I envy those with miniature dogs now

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Gridley

Pepita, congratulations on your new friend. Your puppy will calm down soon.   Few things make me feel better than to surround myself on the sofa with our three dogs. 

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Pepita

Gridley, she is a little over a year old now and yes, things have gotten easier and I love her a lot:)) She is the best "watching soap operas-comerade" and I am glad to have her in my life:))) still as I live in the city without a garden and she has tons of energy, it is hard work in times of cruel waves... therefore I am soooo thankful to have my boyfriend to help me out when I don't have the energy (although it gets easier as youlearn how your dog acts, reacts, learns and stuff)

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mammaP

I'm sorry that you are still in this wave Petunia, and hope that you get another window very soon.  Getting through each day is a massive achievement and you have kept going through it all with a strength that will get you through the rest of withdrawal.   Words don't seem enough, I can't find the right ones so sending Mamma hugs, big squishy ones. 

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Petunia

 

I thought I wasn't going to be able to get back into the site since the software update. It wouldn't accept my user name and password. But then I figured it out, it had changed from what I originally used. This little mishap has shown me just how far I've come in my recovery. A few years ago, when I couldn't log on because of software issues, I was in an absolute state of panic. This site was my lifeline. But today it was like.... 'Oh well, maybe its time to move on'

But I tried using a different user name and it worked, so here I am, back to report that finally after close to a month, that this wave seems to be coming to an end.

Its been the worst wave I've had since I really started to make some progress. Back to fairly intense symptoms, a return of morning akathisia and its lasted a long time. I'm fairly certain it was caused by taking vitamin D because I stopped being able to sleep through the night, which is something I've been able to do for a long time. Almost right away I was waking up every 2 - 3 hours with surges of panic and hot flashes. But for the first few days, I felt ok during the day, it improved my mood slightly and I felt a bit more energized. But then the morning dread and akathisia started and I made the connection and stopped taking it. That very night, I slept through the night without waking, so that confirmed my theory that it was the vit D. But then it took about a month for me to get back to my previous baseline, which I think I am today. Only very mild adreneline surges on waking, very mild physical symptoms for a few hours this morning and the dread, thankfully is gone. I was able to go out and do some grocery shopping this morning and feel normal. Compared with what its been this last month, I felt like I was floating around on a happy pink cloud without a care in the world. Life felt good again, or at least not terrifying, so that, to me is good.

 

On 5/27/2017 at 9:50 PM, Pepita said:

... do you reflect that much on your childhood when you are having a window as well or is this typical wave talk? I for sure can say that everything (and specially specific topics) are tainted black when having a wave- and as soon as a window appears my thoughts don't go in that negative spirals any more...

Thank you Pepita. This is a good question and it got me thinking. When I'm not in a wave, memories from the past do come up, but they tend to be happy or neutral memories. When I realize that something from the past has had a harmful effect on me, I still recognize it, but my whole attitude and emotional landscape is different, more light and accepting. Its like I get 'ah ha' moments, followed by feelings of self acceptance and gratitude. In contrast, when in a wave, I'm overwhelmed by feelings of anger, sadness and despair. I feel like a hopeless victim with no control over life or my response to it... its quite miserable really, but there's no controlling it.

On 5/27/2017 at 10:05 PM, Pepita said:

ps: I forgot to say add that I got a puppy about 8 months into WD and I couldn't have managed it without the help of my boyfriend. It was horrible horrible - I could not deal at all with any part of it. I was waiting all my life for a dog and what should have been the happiest time of my life was one of the most stressful experiences ever!! BUT there are also many many positive aspects in which she helps me with my issues because even on bad days I push myself to walk her or snap out of thought circles because I do some training with her instead....

Thank you for sharing this. I'm not sure if I'll get a dog now or not. I will wait until I'm really sure its the right thing to do. At the moment I think my main work is learning how to take care of me properly. I grew up being taught that other people matter more than me. My needs didn't matter and so I naturally became a caretaker type, putting myself last, getting all my validation from taking care of other people, animals, pets, plants, the environment. In the darkest, depths of withdrawal, when it was obvious I was no use to anyone and could hardly take care of myself, it was like the bottom dropped out of everything my life had stood for. I couldn't take care of anything or anyone and so there seemed no point in being alive. Without something outside of me to take care of, I had no value at all. It took a few months of feeling like this before I figured it out. I clearly saw my own dysfunctional pattern and was feeling it in action. I also saw that I learned this pattern from my mother. I figured it was best not to react to this particular dysfunction.... again, by getting something to take care of. Anyway, long story short, its been painful dealing with all the feelings which have come up in response to not being able to use caretaking as a way to avoid myself. A lot of self hatred, non-acceptance, self loathing, my inner critic has been very vocal. But I've been quietly watching, listening, feeling it all and then letting it go. Its not who I really am.

On 5/28/2017 at 3:36 AM, mammaP said:

I'm sorry that you are still in this wave Petunia, and hope that you get another window very soon.  Getting through each day is a massive achievement and you have kept going through it all with a strength that will get you through the rest of withdrawal.   Words don't seem enough, I can't find the right ones so sending Mamma hugs, big squishy ones. 

Thanks MammaP, your hugs are better than words :)

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apace41

Glad to hear it is lifting, Petu. 

Here's to hoping this window stays open permanently.

Best,

Andy

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Pepita

Hi Petunia, 

what you are describing about how you feel differently about certain topics from your past reflects exactly how I experience this. When in a wave certain thoughts come up immensely negative but when I feel good I can take them lightly. I think that's all nerves and chemistry. When the waves will end - this too will end. 

About the puppy: It is certainly the safest way to wait until you feel more stable! For a long while:D I thought back then "Oh I´m already so much better, this should not be a problem any more". Boy was I wrong;) But still - dogs are amazing and you should definitely get one some day to celebrate your recovery! :)

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Petunia

Thank you Andy and Pep.

 

I'm posting to document the official end of this wave. It lasted about 6 weeks, but now I'm back at baseline, feeling like how I was in my May 1 post. I wont  be trying to introduce any new supplements for a very long time. I'm still not certain the wave was caused by vitD, but there was nothing else it could have been, if in fact it was caused by anything.

 

This recent wave went through a kind of mini-cycle of what my whole recovery process has been like. First there was the sleep disruption, then that sorted itself out, and I was left with akathisia, fear, dread and doomy feelings, increased sensitivity, blurry vision, cognitive problems with relief arriving late afternoon to evening.


Then that all subsided a bit and there was a stage of physical pain in my feet, neck, shoulders, right arm and back. My teeth started moving around again and I had problems eating. GI issues arrived next and stayed for about a week. Then there was the stage of overwhelming emotions and my inability to deal with them. A big chunk of depression and apathy was in there somewhere too.

 

DP/DR came back, and remained constant through most of the wave. It became difficult to leave the house, because everything was looking strange again, increased anxiety and problems with making decisions. Grocery shopping became a nightmare again, trying to..... well, just trying to get what I needed when my brain wasn't working properly and everything looked unfamiliar and threatening.

 

There were even a couple of mini-windows inside the wave. One afternoon I suddenly felt wonderful, full of energy, motivation and inspired to go out and explore 'the world'. All my symptoms and fear were suddenly gone, and all that remained was a flow of curious, creative aliveness, urging me to do something.

 

So I headed to a nearby nature reserve and wandered around, taking some pictures and seeing everything in a way I hadn't seen it before, it was like DP/DR turned inside out. Everything was unfamiliar, but without the fear, it was a positive, blissful experience.

 

Fear and anxiety is part of the human condition. I guess its been necessary for the survival of our species, but the price we have paid is that it steals from us the ability to experience pure, joyful communion with life.

 

Six weeks back in survival mode. In reality it wasn't as bad as those early days when I didn't know what was going on. I still felt as bad, but I've had a lot of practice at being sick now, it gets easier to deal with, there isn't that automatic secondary confusion and panic. The acceptance came fairly fast and I knew it was just a matter of waiting for more time to pass and staying alive while it did.

 

Its difficult to put into words, but in spite of being back in a wave, I was always aware of how far I've come and so very grateful that I understand now, what's happening to me and that it will eventually get better and stay better.

 

This forced hiatus from normal life is giving me the opportunity to learn a lot about myself, the true nature of life and how my environment has caused me to develop a distorted view of reality. I seem to be becoming myself, the person I would have become naturally if I hadn't been installed with someone else's program.

 

 

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brassmonkey

Hi Petu-- welcome back to the smooth sailing.  I'm so glad to hear that the wave has subsided, and you have weathered it so well.

 

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

 

Brass

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Altostrata

Beautiful post, Petu. Good to hear you're feeling so much better.

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dalsaan

Great to hear you are back at baseline.    You have an amazing ability to see bothe the forest and the trees - to notice the detail and keep in it perspective in terms of the big picture.     Well done

 

D x

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TryingToHoldOn

I'm so glad that you're feeling better.  Thank you for helping the rest of us while you are still struggling for full recovery.  Your advice and reassurance are invaluable.  Hope you continue to heal and never encounter another wave.  

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LostInTheWoods

That post is awesome! Not only gives hope, but it also inspires to keep going when sunken in the dark depths of the waves.

 

Congrats on your recovery. Wish you to stay like that forever or getting way shorter waves while at same time you've also have been made wiser.

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apace41

Petu,

 

So good to hear that you are out of the wave and continuing on the path to permanence in your recovery.  It is clear that you are in the "only a matter of time" phase where you know and trust your recovery but you are waiting until you no longer have to ride any more waves.

 

It is coming as is your success story.

 

So happy for you.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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