bubble: tapering off Lexapro and Xanax

[areyouthere]

Thank you dear RU! 

 

I just think we have to make use of all the therapies there are

 

It's like a bad, painful anxiety. It dispels quickly and most of the day I feel well and stable.

Depending on what you mean by "pain" I believe I have experienced that. Before I even began to taper any medications but was changed to a very stressful job situation I would wake up with a feeling of a sort of dread, or fright, something a bit more intense than anxiety. It was almost a jolting awake accompanied by the fright. ALMOST the kind of fright on might feel when startled by someone coming around the corner when you aren't expecting it and your muscles sort of feel painful from the adrenaline once you realize you are safe. 

 

These awakenings increased as I began my journey of tapering simultaneously with the intensified stress with the job... sometimes happening 3 times a week or so. I never really got used to them but since they did not linger and didn't affect my day ( although they were scary and weren't exactly a pleasant way to start out!!) I brushed them off as just plain unpleasant. 

 

Once I retried the stress completely disappeared and so did the awakenings even though I continued with tapering multiple drugs... until the last 6 months. 

 

I very, very periodically & sporadically have been experiencing them again. They are EXACTLY the same even though my life circumstance has changed and has been changed for almost two years. 

 

Of course even in retirement I experience various stressors and continue to taper and so I am not too surprised by the occasional return of "Mr. Frightful" ......  I just thought I'd mention it Bubble.

 

When I think back.... there was one time when I was very young ... a new mother, looking for work, worried about my future I had a very intense awakening in the middle of the night. I woke up fully and experienced what either was or was very close to a panic attack. I was not alone... my husband was asleep next to me , but I recognized at the time that this fright was not based in any one occurrence i.e. didn't have a basis in logic or sense or reality but was definitely out of my control.

 

All of a sudden, while I was awake in this moment of fright not knowing what to do a sudden calm came over me. It was like a reassuring father's presence that said "it's ok. I'm here. You are going to be ok"...and I immediately felt relief and fell back asleep. I didn't HEAR anything... it was just a feeling. That is the very first time in my life that I felt a spiritual presence. And I have believed ever since.

 

Isn't that nice? Whatever that was doesn't show up at these frightful awakenings though!!!! Maybe they are too scary for Him too!! Haha.

 

Have a nice day,

 

RU

[lobster]

Hi bubble: -)

 

I'm glad you are feeling better and are stable enough to do a cut. I'm hoping all goes great for you good luck: -)

[Petunia]

Hi Bubble,

Just wanted to wish you luck for your cut, I hope it goes as smoothly as possible for you.

 

(hugs)

[bubble]

 

Thank you dear RU! 

 

I just think we have to make use of all the therapies there are

 

It's like a bad, painful anxiety. It dispels quickly and most of the day I feel well and stable.

Depending on what you mean by "pain" I believe I have experienced that. Before I even began to taper any medications but was changed to a very stressful job situation I would wake up with a feeling of a sort of dread, or fright, something a bit more intense than anxiety. It was almost a jolting awake accompanied by the fright. ALMOST the kind of fright on might feel when startled by someone coming around the corner when you aren't expecting it and your muscles sort of feel painful from the adrenaline once you realize you are safe. 

 

These awakenings increased as I began my journey of tapering simultaneously with the intensified stress with the job... sometimes happening 3 times a week or so. I never really got used to them but since they did not linger and didn't affect my day ( although they were scary and weren't exactly a pleasant way to start out!!) I brushed them off as just plain unpleasant. 

 

Once I retried the stress completely disappeared and so did the awakenings even though I continued with tapering multiple drugs... until the last 6 months. 

 

I very, very periodically & sporadically have been experiencing them again. They are EXACTLY the same even though my life circumstance has changed and has been changed for almost two years. 

 

Of course even in retirement I experience various stressors and continue to taper and so I am not too surprised by the occasional return of "Mr. Frightful" ......  I just thought I'd mention it Bubble.

 

 

 

Dear RU, thank you for sharing you rexperience about Mr. Frightful. It helps  a lot to know that other people have experienced/are experiencing the same. I got used to it. Just wasn't sure of whether to wait for it to disappear before resuming the taper. But then I remembered that we are waiting for the period of stable, manageable symptoms and not a symptom free period so I gave it a try. 

 

Thank you so much Lobster and Petu for wishing me well with that. Today is day 4 and things are OK. It's just that I feel so very tired (like Addax I sleep more or less OK and long. I often have intense vivid dreams and my first thought upon waking up is: oh, when can I sleep again? At weekends I usually go back to bed after being awake for an hour or 2 and I often take a nap in the afternoon. I'm not bothered by that at all and don't feel bad about it. My body and brain need it and I have to give it to them. Everything else can wait. But during the working week I struggle badly. I so wish I could work from home. I would be even more productive but that's really  not an option. In theory it is possible but nobody does it fearing stigma and leaving the closet. I rather struggle than deal with the consequence of everybody knowing about my "mental health problems". Maybe a day will come when we will be able to do that...

 

I just thing that my fatigue has to do with my GI issues. They have been going on since April now. I wrote about it already. How all the tests came back normal and I can control it with careful monitoring of what I eat. I did a very extensive research on paleo diet, gut health, etc. But my situation is a bit strange: there is GERD, not only burning sensation in my stomach but also pain and nausea. The strange part is that this is accompanied by morning diarrhea. A specialist I saw said it was a coincidence but it's not. When the symptoms subside, both diarrhea and stomach issues subside, when it flares up, both are there. I'm thinking of doing some tests for inflamatory intestinal things... The only thing they found till now was Helicobacter but I was extremely reluctant to take 3 ATBs at once (especially since the whole thing started after 2 courses of ATB for treating Esherihia). Luckily I read about anti acid drugs here in time to rule them out. I'm trying very hard to improve my gut health. I try to eat as much broths as possible and fermented food, take probiotics...The only thing that really helps is very bland diet that I find difficult to follow. Especially since it rules out raw vegetables which are a big part of my diet...

 

But I don't have much choice

 

hugs to all

[areyouthere]

Tapering can cause the runs in the morning for me... but especially if I get off schedule with xanax. Just a thought. 

[mattinsmom]

Hi

 

I'm fuzzier than expected tonight but if I am reading correctly your body is giving you some problems. I dealt with Gerd for a long time. It went away when the Wellbutrin did. Some days I found that really spicy(like thai/indian) food helped. I know that sounds completely asinine but I think I think the spice and heat helped my body flush out whatever was building up. Of course I usually found things like rice and beans to be a much gentler and more consistent help. 

 

I do hope that your tummy troubles settle down. Cheese and peanuts helped me with the runs. So did Metamucil (as nasty as it was). 

[bubble]

Dear RU and Amy,

 

thank you very much for your thoughts and insights. It means a lot. I'm not so bad but it's far from pleasant... I stayed home for 2 days when the symptoms were especially severe making me very weak. They only found Helicobacter plyroi but I refused to be treated for it: 2 ATBs + proton pump inhibitor. My GP was very understanding and suggested only the acid blocker as a harmless thing but I refused that as well. I know very well that this is 99% withdrawal related (although it first started in April this year after taking ATBs for Esherihia). The GP would like to do colonoscopy to rule out inflammatory intestinal disease given that I have more or less continuous diarrhea for months...I'm not at all keen to undergo that procedure. Gastroscopy was more than enough... I might just tell my GP its because of the tapering when things get so bad that I can't go to work. She needs a diagnosis to sign the papers for a sick leave and she must follow the protocol so that she doesn't appear negligent.

 

I must be very strict with my diet and then things improve. 

 

It would also be good to do something about Helicobacter, although I read that between 70 and 89 % have it. I've been reading about natural ways to get rid of it and one of the things I came across was some tea... Is Metamucil also called psyllium? I have it at home and will take it more regularly...

 

I rejoined my hiking club on Saturday!!! I missed it soooo much. I would really recommend it to everyone who can. Hiking allows for a kind of interaction with people that might be OK for people like us: you can walk on your own, with your own thoughts and don't have to socialise. I always start the day feeling more or less bad. Early rising makes me particularly grumpy. But I know the reward:  a few hours of forest bathing calms me down so well, it clears my head. Being with other people in such a context where you can be on your own as much as you want is also very beneficial for me. The enthusiasm and good vibe from other people is contagious in a way. I had so much more energy on Sunday after the hike on Saturday, like I didn't in a long time. It was a mushroom hunt so we got lots of mushrooms to pickle. I slept a lot and it was very restorative. I feel so much more positive about everything. And ready for my next cut in 3 days when this batch is over

 

Of course I could find things which are not OK: I still struggle with my focus and concentration among other things and feel edgy. But I don't wake up with Mr. Fearful as RU called it.

 

lots of hugs to eveyrone 

[mammaP]

I'm glad you went hiking Bubble, it was good for you and it's great to see you feeling better.

 

Sorry that you are having the problems with your digestive tract and think it was a wise decision to avoid

the PPI's , once you are on them it is difficult to stop those too despite doctors saying they are safe etc. 

If you think this is down to withdrawal maybe it would be better to hold a bit longer before another cut? 

I know you know what you are doing but sometimes our Rhi has to step in and remind me if I am making

change that might not go well!  

[bubble]

Thanks a lot MammaP, reminders are always more than welcome and especially the ones deliver as gently as you do it

 

I didn't think that flare up of digestive issues was connected with cutting. I was focused on anxiety as the main symptom but maybe I should. This time I got fed up with being so careful about what I eat and behaved as if nothing was the matter: some fried fish, a sandwich, chocolate biscuit... so I just attributed it to that and going back to boiled food brought relief. It's just unclear where all that immense sensitivity came from when I could normally eat anything at any time. But that's the question we can ask about any withdrawal symptom

[bubble]

Just going to do a bit of journaling because I find this pattern "interesting".

 

So, I had a great sense of wellbeing and stability on Sunday following my hike on Saturday. For two days in the row the quality of my sleep is better, it's deeper, I find it very hard to wake up for my middle of the night dose and in the morning I feel rested and there is no sense of dread or that yucky feeling. But around noon I get very wobbly. There is anxiety that comes out of the blue. I feel tired and spaced out.

 

I was thinking of making a next cut but this will have to wait. 

[Petunia]

I didn't think that flare up of digestive issues was connected with cutting. I was focused on anxiety as the main symptom but maybe I should.

 

I had some bad digestive issues when I was in early withdrawal.  When I was taking xanax PRN, which ended up being almost every night, I was having diarrhea all morning for several months.  I was also having problems eating just about everything, so I also think this is probably related to cutting and nervous system destabilization.    Its a good idea to hold for a bit longer before your next cut.

 

I'm glad to hear you felt better after you hike.

[bubble]

 

I didn't think that flare up of digestive issues was connected with cutting. I was focused on anxiety as the main symptom but maybe I should.

 

I had some bad digestive issues when I was in early withdrawal.  When I was taking xanax PRN, which ended up being almost every night, I was having diarrhea all morning for several months.  I was also having problems eating just about everything, so I also think this is probably related to cutting and nervous system destabilization.    Its a good idea to hold for a bit longer before your next cut.

 

I'm glad to hear you felt better after you hike.

 

 

Thanks a lot for this confirmation dear Petu. Actually when I see how badly people are struggling with insomnia, anhedonia, athaksia and other horrors I feel bad complaining about GI issues although it is plaguing me and it affects pretty much everything else. It's just that I have been on Xanax and "tapering" it for 14 years and it has never happened before. That's why I find it so strange. But there is always the first time... 

 

 

I will pay a lot closer attention to what happens to my GI tract after the next reduction (which has been delayed as advised

 

I will also take this opportunity to complain and blame at least a part of my wobbliness to the weather which is unseasonably warm for this time of the year disrupting the whole ecosystem with spring flowers coming out, etc. So why would I be left unaffected? Finding a source of my discomfort is the main way of dealing with it for me. I can put up with a lot once I know what its cause might be. I'm also putting an active resistance to getting overwhelmed at work and maintaining a calm and relaxed approach instead of getting worked up into a frenzy. I can't say much about how I do it except that I just resist the attempts of my boss to create tension. I just tell her we will sort this out. Not all at once but in due course. And I manage to achieve it even if it means a little extra work at the weekend. Hope it stays that way

 

Add Petu, I love your cosy window with a curtain invitingly open!!! It's like a wink, or a mischievous smile

 

I just so very much loved what Rhi wrote to Amy that I want to have it here. I'm sure it applies to many of us.

 

 

 

It's a dialectic that I find myself caught in often--to love and be gentle and accept myself exactly as I am, yet also to give myself the discipline and structure to do what is best for me, even if it's not what I feel like doing right now. I wish I had the answer down pat!

 

you can't be the only option and it's really really not your responsibility to rescue them. Part of them growing up is figuring out how to take care of their own responsibilities. Maybe it's time to let them know there's a limit, a date by which they have to be gone or something. You need a peaceful home right now and they are young and healthy and have many options, you're just the easiest. Well, you don't have to be the easiest any more, because it's sure not easy for you.

 

 

It's okay to ask the people in your life to take care of and support YOU for a while. You need and deserve it. You're in withdrawal, which is challenging all by itself, and you know what that requires: gentle support for your CNS, reduce stress and overstimulation, all that stuff. 

 

It's a lot. As a survivor of the kind of childhood you had, overwhelm and abuse and not being taken care of is probably what feels normal, maybe even comfortable in its familiarity. As someone who has chosen to walk the warrior journey of healing and emergence, you know that you have to constantly choose a path different from the one you were taught growing up, and that's not easy and doesn't feel natural. But you have shown over and over that you have the courage and the spirit for it.

 

 

[Wolfhound]

Saying hi on the forum:-)

[bubble]

nice to see you visiting us;)

[mattinsmom]

Stooping by to say hello. How are you feeling these days? Have you settled any?

[bubble]

Dear Amy,

 

I feel very privileged that I'm among people that you visit. It means a lot. And it also shows that you are doing well yourself  which makes me very happy.

 

I'm doing fine. Not extra good but managing. I've been meaning to record some things here for my future reference. 

 

I've been holding on my last cut for over three weeks now while waiting to figure out maths for further liquid taper. It was very interesting to notice that in that period my GI issues subsided to the level of almost disappearing. So I thought to myself. BINGO, it really is connected to tapering Xanax. But now I'm not so sure again: after a week of very low to no symptoms (and eating less carefully-an occasional piece of chocolate, some cheese..) the symptoms are back again: pain in my stomach, nausea, diarrhea, acid reflux. An interesting observation...

 

Also despite holding, I have had an increase in symptoms which usually happen after a cut: waking up anxious (cortisol mornings), feeling low, vulnerable... This comes in combination with cold and physical unwellness.The weather is atrocious again. November is supposed to be a chilly month here. But thanks to the obvious climate change the temperature is 20 celsius instead of 5. Spring flowers are coming out, leaves are falling down, birds are both singing and flying to the South (probably not the same ones)... so how can people with sensitive nerves feel well?

 

I need to have something that explains my unwellness. And this time it's the weather.  I'm not complaining, just mentioning

 

I'm also reading a few great books at the moment: Feal the fear and do it anyway (I think anyone facing difficult life situations including withdrawal should read it and in general work on expanding our experience beyond cuts and symptoms), the Highly Sensitive Person (explains a lot about how I function), the Road Less Travelled (still valid insights after all these years).

 

My focus was improved so I was absent from the forum and was very effecient at work. Today it's not good again so here I am

 

hugs to you Amy and all

[WinningThrough]

Just dropping by to say hello, Bubble. Thank you for writing on my thread. Sorry you're not so good at the moment. I hope this wave passes for you soon.

[bubble]

Thank you for stopping by WT!

 

Just minor turbulences. I've known such dreadful times that feeling sickly is nothing by comparison. I was collecting leaves on my way to work this morning. I feel so blessed that I can see the beauty around me, that I have the energy and opportunity to stop to appreciate it and that I can feel it. 

 

Small things like thise make life worth living. I'm not sure that withouth the horrors of withdrawal, mental breakdowns and the rest I would appreciate these things so deeply. In the same way you appreciate teh fact that you can bath, get dressed and get out of teh house. So many people don't appreciate anything. I just hope the circle of things we can experience continues to widen... 

[moodyblues78]

Depressed people do not collect leaves. They step on them

[Pokeshaw]

Bubble - i appreciate what you said about the small things. one thing that i have gained from this whole experience is a new level of gratitude for the small things. i try each day to notice, pay attention to the small things and feel my gratitude.

 

i hope you feel better soon. i understand about the tummy issues!

 

today was better than yesterday for me. so maybe this recent cut will not be too upsetting.I actually had a productive and rewarding day at work. 

 

ready to hold ~~~

 

hugs,

Poke

[mattinsmom]

Hi

 

It has been awhile since I've been on the site and it looks as if it has been awhile longer since you have been here. I hope that you are doing ok and just busy and/or posting on other threads. 

 

I wanted to take a moment to wish you happy holidays so...Happy Holidays. 

[WinningThrough]

Ditto what Amy said. I hope you're doing ok bubble.

[bubble]

Hello, hello, hello

 

first of all thank you Amy and WinningThrough for digging under the snow to find me

 

I live but I seem to have fallen into a winter sleep or something (plus my laptop broke down). I read posts but I just got too lazy to contribute. I also can't believe that it's been almost 2 months since I last updated my thread. I often imagined doing it. It was like entering a warm and bubbly bath after a long and strenuous day but I somehow didn't make it. 

 

I had a rough November. 3 dark weeks of gloomy and wet weather with fading memories of the sun. I was experiencing a lot of personal stress caused by external circumstances that I still don't feel like going into details about. Hence probably the silence. I had to hold my taper and was disappointed to see that my anxiety mechanisms are still alive and kicking. Only this time I didn't manage them with drugs. I also had to be reasured that it's only natural to be perturbed under the circumstances... I have resumed my taper but it's going very slow and I still feel quite wobbly. It's the winter for me.

 

I believe there is more to follow. In the meantime, big hugs to all! 

[Petunia]

Hi Bubble,

I'm sorry you haven't been doing so well lately, but thanks for letting us know.  I'm glad you are still alive under all that snow I'm not feeling well, so I don't have many words, but here is a big ((((((((hug))))))))

[Meimeiquest]

We've,missed your "bubbly" writing...sorry it has been hard, but also so glad you are carrying on. I believe you that it has been tough,but you are such a different person than when you started out!

[bubble]

Thank you so much my dear ladies It's great to be here

[Pokeshaw]

Hi Bubble - I've also been thinking of you and wanted to send a hug as well. I understand about the stress and not feeling well. I have been up and down myself. been a rough patch last few weeks after a reduction end of Oct. seems to hit me hardest a few weeks out. anyway, mostly i just wanted to reach out and say hi. i hope things even out for  you and i wish you all the best for the coming yr. You have been a very important part of my past year. i am forever grateful for all the ways you carried me thru some tough times as i adjusted to this reality!

hugs across the sea!

Poke

[bubble]

dear Poke,

this is so nice of you! Things have also been very busy at work with trips and everything but I did notice things have been rough for you.

 

still can't believe that this drug is so nasty that even such small reductions make awful waves. Are things better now? I'm so very happy I was able to make things at least a bit better for you. We will continue to be here for each other in the year to come. It fills me with peace.

 

Wishing you all the best and hugs to Brooklyn (unless you went to Canada;)

[brassmonkey]

Wanted to wish you a Happy New Year and the hopes for greater improvements through out the coming year.  Thank you for your warm reception and support.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[bubble]

Hello Brassmonkey (Tom if I'm not mistaken;) and best wishes back at you!

 

It's nice of you to have stopped by. I was very busy at work in the period when all of you went through that plight so was only able to follow what was going on with peripheral vision.

 

I did a lot of catching up today while riding on the train. It was a 2 hour ride but I think I only got half way through the PP closing thread I'm a strange one:never ever went anywhere outside SA;)

 

I would say you all started to feel at home here and we are surely enriched with your insights and experience.

 

My new year didn't start well at all but I don't want to spoil this post with that. I hope I will start a new one soon because writing here certainly helps to bring things in perspective...

 

Hugs to all

 

Bubble

[Rhiannon]

Hi Bubble--

I don't have anything wonderful to say, except to send you lots of hugs. Yes, it's winter! I think you probably live further north than me, but I'm living further north than I ever have before in my life, and those winter days get pretty short and gray. Actually there is sunshine here today so I am going to make myself get dressed and go for a short walk before work.

 

Anyway, I have missed you. Hang in there, spring is coming!

 

Hugs--

 

Rhi

[bubble]

Nice to have you vsiting (one has to open the door;)

 

I don't live that far north:the sun sets around 4.30 pm these days which is pretty decent. I will hang out for sure. It's just that sometimes I shut myself tightly like a clam...

 

Have a nice walk and take care at home.

 

Hugs xxxx

[Tilly]

Dear Amy,

 

I feel very privileged that I'm among people that you visit. It means a lot. And it also shows that you are doing well yourself  which makes me very happy.

 

I'm doing fine. Not extra good but managing. I've been meaning to record some things here for my future reference. 

 

I've been holding on my last cut for over three weeks now while waiting to figure out maths for further liquid taper. It was very interesting to notice that in that period my GI issues subsided to the level of almost disappearing. So I thought to myself. BINGO, it really is connected to tapering Xanax. But now I'm not so sure again: after a week of very low to no symptoms (and eating less carefully-an occasional piece of chocolate, some cheese..) the symptoms are back again: pain in my stomach, nausea, diarrhea, acid reflux. An interesting observation...

 

Also despite holding, I have had an increase in symptoms which usually happen after a cut: waking up anxious (cortisol mornings), feeling low, vulnerable... This comes in combination with cold and physical unwellness.The weather is atrocious again. November is supposed to be a chilly month here. But thanks to the obvious climate change the temperature is 20 celsius instead of 5. Spring flowers are coming out, leaves are falling down, birds are both singing and flying to the South (probably not the same ones)... so how can people with sensitive nerves feel well?

 

I need to have something that explains my unwellness. And this time it's the weather.  I'm not complaining, just mentioning

 

I'm also reading a few great books at the moment: Feal the fear and do it anyway (I think anyone facing difficult life situations including withdrawal should read it and in general work on expanding our experience beyond cuts and symptoms), the Highly Sensitive Person (explains a lot about how I function), the Road Less Travelled (still valid insights after all these years).

 

My focus was improved so I was absent from the forum and was very effecient at work. Today it's not good again so here I am

 

hugs to you Amy and all

Hi Bubble,

 

I hope that this message finds you well?

 

I thought that I would stop by and say Hello!

 

You were kind enough to offer me advice on my first post in spite of your own struggles, which I really appreciate.

 

You approach your journey with a lot of strength and determination from what I have read here, which contributes to the success you have had and will continue to have.

 

I can empathise with how the weather can have an impact on mood and general well being. I am in the UK and I am using the cold dark days to read when I am able and self care as best I can during the initial stages of my withdrawal. I look forward to the Spring sunshine when nature wakes up from hibernation. The Spring is just around the corner and will be here before we know it 

 

I look forward to following your progress.

 

Be kind to yourself.

Tillyx

[bubble]

 

I thought that I would stop by and say Hello!

 

You were kind enough to offer me advice on my first post in spite of your own struggles, which I really appreciate.

 

You approach your journey with a lot of strength and determination from what I have read here, which contributes to the success you have had and will continue to have.

 

I can empathise with how the weather can have an impact on mood and general well being. I am in the UK and I am using the cold dark days to read when I am able and self care as best I can during the initial stages of my withdrawal. I look forward to the Spring sunshine when nature wakes up from hibernation. The Spring is just around the corner and will be here before we know it 

 

I look forward to following your progress.

 

Be kind to yourself.

Tillyx

 

 Hello Tilly and thank you for your nice words! I'm glad I have "met" you although not under the best of circumstances...

 

I just wanted to copy here something I wrote for other people but it refers to my situation, or better to say its beginnings. I'm still unable to write a proper update..

 

Unfortunately, I've seen people getting even worse if they continue to mess up with the drugs. Staying put and patiently enduring is the best bet.

 

Things will get better for sure. But after all the things we did to our brain we just have to allow it all the time it needs to regrow. It's amazing that it has this ability.

 

While waiting we have to try and do everything to help it by giving it as much stability as possible. I've seen it so many times how stability heals and not a particular dose,and especially not looking for one. This produces a totally opossite effect.

 

It was very, very hard for me to accept that initially. We all want to DO something, anything to make this awful pain go away or at least reduce it. But then I experienced what I call the miracle of a hold when things got better just because I managed not to do anything (with the drug). 

 

I was doing a lot to deal with the fear that things will stay like this forever or that they will get worse. Thinking like that is also a symptom. Our thoughts are not really reliable at this time. That's why reading the thread about neuroemotions was saving me.

 

Also windows and waves. For me it was very important to notice that windows at first didn't come as days of back to normality. Or not even back to normality. But there were, initially just moments, when symptoms would subside and I felt relief like when a cramp of physical pain goes away. Only to come back again but also goes away again. That was windows and waves for me. Tiny, small moments of relief. Accepting that for some time I just can't function like before and stop comparing my functioning at that moment with before or with others. Also stop projecting it into the future-another neuro emotion.

 

Maybe it was a bit easier for me to accept it because I felt very guilty about what I did to my bran:CT 2 drugs after being on drugs for 14 years. Then rejecting calls for help from my brain for 40 days as I resisted giving it the drug back. I was aware that I treated my brain most cruelly so was able to be very patient with it and actually grateful that it didn't act even worse on me but that it forgave me and once I started treating it fairly, it responded with small acts of great kindness-relief.

 

After all the atrocities I did to my brain it took 4 months and then another 6 before going to (almost) how I felt before. It's a lot of time but it happens. And it's not that all 4 months in my case were 24/7 hell. I actually might have seen them that way. It would've been very easy to overlook those tiny moments of relief. The general and prevailing picture was bad but I lived from one brief moment to the next and focused on them instead of my overall bad functioning and overall agony.

 

Almost one year after resuming my taper I came down from 2 mg to 1.18. I feel extremely proud about that. But mostly I feel proud and happy that in all that time I never went up in response to my symptoms like I did so for so many years before. The only response to my symptoms was holding. That was incredible learning or unlearning: I can survive without drugs! I think that I have significantly reduced the psychological dependency on psychotropic medication. 

 

But drugs are not my only problem. I have lots of maladaptive emotional patterns which continue to trigger anxiety. After years of therapy, I see big improvements. But sometimes I just go back to square one, all my issues play out and I again feel like the abandoned child with deep seated resentment that I once was.

 

The beginning of the new year was very tough for me. It seemed/seems that my marriage is not going to work. I was/am very sad and lost. I also realised that breaking up is also a kind of tapering. I can't do it CT. I tried it but it was way too traumatic so I had to "reinstate". I was deeply hurt with the way my mother and sister responded to that: since it was your second time you should've chosen better. Delivered with a laugh. And merrily shared with some other family members over the phone. It felt as if I was on the floor in agony and being kick repeatedly. But they are not to blame. We are not used to sharing feelings in our family. I'm not used to telling people about how I feel about things. The more pain I feel, the less likely I will talk about it. Nobody responded to my pain and suffering when I was a very small child so I learnt to close up and fend for myself the best I can. An invisible but very strong umbilical cord gets created in moments like this between my present troubled self and suffering of that little girl somewhere very far in the past. It takes time to be reminded of the reality and all other coping mechanisms I have developed for myself in the meantime... 

 

It feels better to bring it out. But there is also a fear that I will get a reaction like that from my mother: you are stupid and you should've known better. We all told you that...

 

It's probably the same thing like when my grandma would spank me after I fell and skinned my knees and she repeatedly told me not to run. 

 

So many old things exploding right into my face. The fight continues. I just see it as a bad period. I have confidence that I will get to the other shore. I did so many times. And will keep doing it as many times as it takes. Every time it's a new chance to console that little girl, learn something new, open up to people more. Or least, for a start, recognise that I can't open up...

[mammaP]

Oh darling Bubble I am so sorry that your marriage is breaking down after such a short time. It is cruel to taunt

you with laughter and snide remarks when you are hurting so much. It is so hard when you are suffering, to 

resist having someone there beside you even when you feel they aren't right, anyone is better than no-one   .

You are doing well to keep going when everything is falling apart around you, and you are still suffering from

waves that hit from nowhere.  You are incredibly strong Bubble and should be as proud of yourself as we are. 

 

[lobster]

I'm so very sorry bubble. I wish you all the happens in the world. Just try and remember when one door slams shut another opens. We don't always understand why things happen but it seems there is always a purpose. Keep your chin up and remember there will come a time when you are truly Happy..