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bubble: tapering off Lexapro and Xanax


bubble

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I am so sorry you have been going through so much.  The way you have coped with your reinstatement and subsequent taper has been inspirational to me.  You are really strong.  I will be thinking about you. 

-1/06 - 3/07 Cymbalta. Fast taper (essentially CT); withdrawal symptoms after 4 mos (didn't realize was WD)

-10/07: 100 mg Zoloft; 1 mg Klonopin - tapered off Klonopin after 4 mos. Several unsuccessful slow tapers of Zoloft; went up and down in dose a lot

-Spring 2013 back on 1 mg Klonopin to counter WD symptoms; switched over 5-6 mos from Zoloft to 35 mg citalopram
-Two attempts at slow tapering citalopram, always increased dose due to WD; also increased Klonopin to 1.25 mg in 2014, then to 1.5 mg in 2015

-8/17-9/17: After holding one year at 20 mg, feeling withdrawal symptoms due to stress - slowly increased to 25 mg. No change in symptoms after 6 months (? tolerance ?)  - decided to start citalopram taper February 2018 (still on Klonopin 1.5 mg).

Supplements: fish oil; magnesium; vitamin D3; curcumin

Citalopram taper:  2/2018 - 12/2019: 25 mg - 11.03 mg I 2020: 10.89 mg - 7.9 mg I 2021: 7.8 mg - 5.26 mg I 2022: 5.2 mg - 3.36 mg I 2023: 3.3 mg - 1.47 mg 2024: 1/5/24: 1.44 mg; 1/19/24: 1.40 mg; 1/26/24: 1.37 mg; 2/2/24: 1.34 mg; 2/9/24: 1.31 mg; 2/23/24: 1.28 mg; 3/1/24: 1.25 mg; 3/8/24: 1.22 mg; 3/15/24: 1.19 mg

 

 

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Dear Bubble,

 

I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing so much pain on top of the struggles that tapering brings (((hugs)))

 

You are a very strong and courageous woman. Things won't always be this way. You will get through this. In the meantime you have a lot of support here to help you through.

 

Thinking of you. Be very gentle with yourself right now.

 

Tilly x

1999 - 2004 Paroxetine 20mg  -> 2004 - 2007 Citalopram 20mg -> 2007 -  short term Trazedone use (insomnia) -> 2007 - 2009 Fluoxetine 20mg  ->

2009 - Jan 2012 Citalopram 20mg  (Spring / Summer 2012 protracted withdrawal & related agoraphobia) -> 2012 - September Restarted Citalopram - unbearable start up effects. Discontinued in under 1 week -> Oct 12 -   October 2014 Escitalopram - 10mg prescribed. Started on 5mg and worked up to 10mg in 2.5mg increments  -> Oct 2014  - 5mg; 30/03/15 2.5mg; 15/04/15 3.5mg; 20/05/15 2.9mg;  19/09/15 2.8mg; 30/10/15 2.7mg; 13/11/15 2.6mg. Holding until March.

Diet:  mostly pescatarianl & lots of veg. Weekly offal for b vitamins.  Turmeric, nigella seeds, avocados, apple cider vinegar, coconut products daily. Lots of fluids: water, lemon juice, coconut water, herbal & green tea (decaffeinated).

Supplements: vitamin C 4000mg, Omega 3 fish oil - high DPA & EHA, vitamin E 400iu, vitamin D3 5000mg (Winter only - from sun in Spring / Summer), probiotics.

Current Symptoms: chronic fatigue, erratic sleep, extreme photophobia, eye floaters, noise sensitivity, tinnitus, cognitive & speech difficulties, dizziness, irregular gait, poor co ordination, severe facial and upper body muscle tension, head and neck pressure.

Coping Strategies: good nutrition, cooking, gardening & growing my own food, cycling, dancing, yoga, photography, sewing & creative pursuits, self massage, pampering, meditation, journalling, nature, cuddling cats & humans, laughter & humour, gratitude, self care, aromatherapy, audio books, word games & believing in myself, my potential and my future.

 

"Everything I need is within me" - Shakti Gawain

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Oh darling Bubble I am so sorry that your marriage is breaking down after such a short time. It is cruel to taunt

you with laughter and snide remarks when you are hurting so much. It is so hard when you are suffering, to 

resist having someone there beside you even when you feel they aren't right, anyone is better than no-one  :( .

You are doing well to keep going when everything is falling apart around you, and you are still suffering from

waves that hit from nowhere.  You are incredibly strong Bubble and should be as proud of yourself as we are. 

 

8f17ce84.gif

 

Dear MammaP, we are so lucky to have MammaP when our mums fail us! I've never got such beautiful bear hugs! what can I say. Our Mamma is the best :)

 

I don't know what I'll do. I've found myself playing out the marriage of my parents. I was married before but it felt dead. I wasn't involved. It was kind of rational choice but I felt as if I wasn't there :( That's called repetition compulsion and I have no idea how I will break from it.

 

I was particularly scared when I realised that I could for the first time in my life understand victims of violence: it is so obvious that the relationship is harmful to them but they go back.

 

Now there is this person that I simply feel very good being with. He complements me: I like picking pebbles and shells on the beach and then they would lie around. He builds pots and houses from them. I like picking berries and herbs in nature and he makes jams and juices for which I don't have patience. We cook together. He is great with kids: build things, paints and plays with them. I like DIY home projects but can't paint or work with tools and he can and likes doing it. So I have an idea and he puts it into practice. All the little things that make life flow so nicely and harmoniously. I feel so at ease, so like myself. He is patient with my moods and irritability and so on and on. 

 

And then there is this other person that tells me I'm the highlight of his day. But the problem is there aren't any other things in the life of a stay at home man who doesn't need other people except me and our domesticity. I feel suffocated. I ask for my space. He doesn't deal well with it. Doesn't accept it. I have to ask for my space more aggressively. Then he gets hurt and starts attacking me that I'm not normal, that I have intimacy problems ( i do but...). It doesn't help that my libido is pretty consistently below zero, that I'm constantly fatigued, etc., etc.

 

I really have no idea how I will sort this out. But I will do my best to do it. It's just not easy. It can't be surgically cut off. The attempts to cut it off so far only brought me down completely. I simply fell apart. So now I have to rebuild myself before I can continue addressing it.

 

I'm so very sorry bubble. I wish you all the happens in the world. Just try and remember when one door slams shut another opens. We don't always understand why things happen but it seems there is always a purpose. Keep your chin up and remember there will come a time when you are truly Happy..

 

Dear Lobster, I'm so very touched with your support. I will bear in mind your kind and gentle words. I was thinking about you and hope winter is treating you well as well as your son. I look forward to an update from Maine.

 

I am so sorry you have been going through so much.  The way you have coped with your reinstatement and subsequent taper has been inspirational to me.  You are really strong.  I will be thinking about you. 

 

You are very kind Wantrelief. I will have to be an inspiration to myself now. I'm very happy that my experience could help you and I hope very much you will also find relief soon. You are asking for so very little...

 

Dear Bubble,

 

I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing so much pain on top of the struggles that tapering brings (((hugs)))

 

You are a very strong and courageous woman. Things won't always be this way. You will get through this. In the meantime you have a lot of support here to help you through.

 

Thinking of you. Be very gentle with yourself right now.

 

Tilly x

 

Dear Tilly, it was so nice to read these words of support. The reminder to be gentle with myself is so very important since I'm doing a lot of blaming, feel like a big failure and feel embarrassed for having brought myself into this situation. 

 

When things collapse on one side, the whole structure can come down. My situation at work is also not ideal so when I feel so vulnerable the usual frustration becomes too much to cope with. It's not surprising that my GI symptoms flared up so I used that as an excuse to stay at home and take long walks in nature. The weather is unusually warm and sunny for January and I need all the Vitamin D I can get. I've been walking for 3 to 4 hours every day now and this has saved me. At least for the time being...

 

Thank you so much for your support. I was very shaken seeing that I can still sink so deep, all my traumas coming alive after over a decade of therapy. But I guess this is also an opportunity to grow... And growth hurts...

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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Dear Bubble,

 

I truly believe that every crisis is an opportunity for change. Growth is painful, but I believe that you have grown more than you give yourself credit for.

 

Growth does not mean the absence of adversity. It is your ability to negotiate your way through adversity that demonstrates growth.

 

I hope that you are being kind to yourself. Self -blame never changed or helped anyone or anything. You are not deserving of blame, only kindness and healing.

 

Thank you for taking the time to help me when you have your own struggles. Your compassion is very much appreciated.

 

Do something nice for yourself before the day ends.

 

Thinking of you.

 

Tilly (((((huge hugs)))))

1999 - 2004 Paroxetine 20mg  -> 2004 - 2007 Citalopram 20mg -> 2007 -  short term Trazedone use (insomnia) -> 2007 - 2009 Fluoxetine 20mg  ->

2009 - Jan 2012 Citalopram 20mg  (Spring / Summer 2012 protracted withdrawal & related agoraphobia) -> 2012 - September Restarted Citalopram - unbearable start up effects. Discontinued in under 1 week -> Oct 12 -   October 2014 Escitalopram - 10mg prescribed. Started on 5mg and worked up to 10mg in 2.5mg increments  -> Oct 2014  - 5mg; 30/03/15 2.5mg; 15/04/15 3.5mg; 20/05/15 2.9mg;  19/09/15 2.8mg; 30/10/15 2.7mg; 13/11/15 2.6mg. Holding until March.

Diet:  mostly pescatarianl & lots of veg. Weekly offal for b vitamins.  Turmeric, nigella seeds, avocados, apple cider vinegar, coconut products daily. Lots of fluids: water, lemon juice, coconut water, herbal & green tea (decaffeinated).

Supplements: vitamin C 4000mg, Omega 3 fish oil - high DPA & EHA, vitamin E 400iu, vitamin D3 5000mg (Winter only - from sun in Spring / Summer), probiotics.

Current Symptoms: chronic fatigue, erratic sleep, extreme photophobia, eye floaters, noise sensitivity, tinnitus, cognitive & speech difficulties, dizziness, irregular gait, poor co ordination, severe facial and upper body muscle tension, head and neck pressure.

Coping Strategies: good nutrition, cooking, gardening & growing my own food, cycling, dancing, yoga, photography, sewing & creative pursuits, self massage, pampering, meditation, journalling, nature, cuddling cats & humans, laughter & humour, gratitude, self care, aromatherapy, audio books, word games & believing in myself, my potential and my future.

 

"Everything I need is within me" - Shakti Gawain

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Dear Bubble, I just caught up with your thread and I'm so sorry you are having problems in your relationship so soon after getting married.  I've been trying to find something encouraging and wise to write, but all I can think of is that I wish I was there so I could give you a big hug and then just sit and listen.

 

One thing I think I know about relationships is that they can be like mirrors, reflecting back to us things we need to know about ourselves so that we have the opportunity to grow and become more than what we were previously.  This is not a new issue for you and your husband, perhaps this is a second chance for both of you to look at things differently, now that you are married and have made a commitment to each other.

 

Have you considered relationship counseling?  Whatever you decide to do, please be gentle with yourself.

 

((((((hugs)))))

Petu.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Dear Petu,

 

you know how much I appreciate your opinions and your support. It means an awful lot. 

 

I am used to making "surgical interventions" , cutting things off, but that's not how things work with relationships. After a while (and working myself up awfully) I realised that I have to slowly disentangle everything so started looking for a couple therapist. We found a psychologist who practices something called imago therapy. It sounds promising. This is another opportunity to learn and grow. At the moment things are ok...

 

Thank you so much. xxxx 

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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I just thing that my fatigue has to do with my GI issues. They have been going on since April now. I wrote about it already. How all the tests came back normal and I can control it with careful monitoring of what I eat. I did a very extensive research on paleo diet, gut health, etc. But my situation is a bit strange: there is GERD, not only burning sensation in my stomach but also pain and nausea. The strange part is that this is accompanied by morning diarrhea. A specialist I saw said it was a coincidence but it's not. When the symptoms subside, both diarrhea and stomach issues subside, when it flares up, both are there. I'm thinking of doing some tests for inflamatory intestinal things... The only thing they found till now was Helicobacter but I was extremely reluctant to take 3 ATBs at once (especially since the whole thing started after 2 courses of ATB for treating Esherihia). Luckily I read about anti acid drugs here in time to rule them out. I'm trying very hard to improve my gut health. I try to eat as much broths as possible and fermented food, take probiotics...The only thing that really helps is very bland diet that I find difficult to follow. Especially since it rules out raw vegetables which are a big part of my diet...

 

Late response on this, but I see you were/are having some gut and GERD issues. Did you try the Paleo diet? My husband and I have been doing it for about 6 weeks under the advice of a functional med. doctor to deal with some of my own gut/hormone issues, and I've found that my own reflux (which is LPR--the kind that manifests as mucus in the throat and nose, not acid in the esophagus) unexpectedly cleared up by about 90%. It's a crummy diet, that's for sure, and it takes way too much effort (more effort than I have now that withdrawal has gone into torture mode--but since I'm not really eating I guess it doesn't matter). Also I don't know if it's suited to any other health issues you might have, but I just thought I'd mention it since it did have this effect on me. Random question, but why don't "bland" diets allow raw veggies? 

 

On another note, I'm so sorry to hear about the problems that you're having with your husband. I gather that you're recently married (haven't made it all the way through the thread), and I do hope this is just one little dark cloud on the road of a very happy journey together. 

 

WTV

Started Zoloft 07/06, continued through 07/08 (2-month taper, going downhill 6 weeks after stopping [w/d?]) 

Lexapro started 12/08, Lexapro increased/Buspar and Topamax added in '09, continued through 08/10 (3-month taper, disastrous results after 3 week [w/d?]) 

200 mg Zoloft started around 9/10; been between 150 and 200 mg Zoloft since then, also on Topamax and Deplin, and tried things for sleep like Trazadone (worked for a while), and Ambien, Lunesta, and Mirtazapine (all failed) 

--Started tapering 200mg Zoloft--

6-26-14 (150 mg); 7-14-14 (100 mg); 8-20-14 (50 mg); 10-25-14 (25 mg); 11-18-14 (12.5 mg); 12-2-14 stopped Zoloft 

anxiety started 3 days off, depression 12 days off; both severely intensified at 5 weeks off with a work-related trigger and got progressively worse for 10 days 

Reinstated Zoloft 12.5mg on 1-15-15 (one day at 25mg) after 6 weeks and 2 days off 

Also taking 100mg Topamax and 15mg Deplin 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Dear Dear Bubble, you are one of the shining stars on this website - your inspiration and clear expression of your ups and downs is very moving.

 

I have little to say here, other than I visited your journey, and you have come so far, have so much to honor in yourself.

 

I have heard excellent things about Imago, wish I could get hubby to buy into it, but it calls for high expenses and travel in the land downunder.  I look forward to hearing how your journey goes.  It's true - there is much good in your relationship - amazing amounts of good.  Asking for change is a big ask - but if he wants it badly enough, maybe you can join your journeys together.

 

Blessings to you as the sun returns.  I'll send you some from here.

 

sunflower1.jpg

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Dear Dear Bubble, you are one of the shining stars on this website - your inspiration and clear expression of your ups and downs is very moving.

 

I have little to say here, other than I visited your journey, and you have come so far, have so much to honor in yourself.

 

I have heard excellent things about Imago, wish I could get hubby to buy into it, but it calls for high expenses and travel in the land downunder.  I look forward to hearing how your journey goes.  It's true - there is much good in your relationship - amazing amounts of good.  Asking for change is a big ask - but if he wants it badly enough, maybe you can join your journeys together.

 

Blessings to you as the sun returns.  I'll send you some from here.

 

sunflower1.jpg

 

Wow JanCarol! 

 

This brought tears into my eyes... We all need positive reinforcement. Until I read what you wrote I didn't even know how much I needed it. And this most thoughtful sunflower from Downunder on a dark and rainy day!!!! I never knew you had them. Sooooo beautiful.

 

Things have calmed down a lot and everything is nice ad positive at the moment. But I don't kid myself. I was lucky to find a psychologist who is at the moment completing her education in imago therapy so I don't expect it to be too expensive.

 

It took me some time to muster up the courage to share my current story here but it feels so good to open up.

 

I hope your journey is progressing well.

 

Hugs

Bubble

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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Bubble, I really hope this therapy works for you guys, and I'm so glad you opened up and shared it here, and hope it was helpful for you to do so. 

Started Zoloft 07/06, continued through 07/08 (2-month taper, going downhill 6 weeks after stopping [w/d?]) 

Lexapro started 12/08, Lexapro increased/Buspar and Topamax added in '09, continued through 08/10 (3-month taper, disastrous results after 3 week [w/d?]) 

200 mg Zoloft started around 9/10; been between 150 and 200 mg Zoloft since then, also on Topamax and Deplin, and tried things for sleep like Trazadone (worked for a while), and Ambien, Lunesta, and Mirtazapine (all failed) 

--Started tapering 200mg Zoloft--

6-26-14 (150 mg); 7-14-14 (100 mg); 8-20-14 (50 mg); 10-25-14 (25 mg); 11-18-14 (12.5 mg); 12-2-14 stopped Zoloft 

anxiety started 3 days off, depression 12 days off; both severely intensified at 5 weeks off with a work-related trigger and got progressively worse for 10 days 

Reinstated Zoloft 12.5mg on 1-15-15 (one day at 25mg) after 6 weeks and 2 days off 

Also taking 100mg Topamax and 15mg Deplin 

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  • 1 month later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

Well, it's been a while since I 've last posted. There is always so much I want to say but it's hard to find the time, the energy or both.

 

It crossed my mind that over the past few days I've been feeling a lot like when I first came here after CTing two drugs and reinstating them. It means things are not good but it also means they have been very good for quite a long time and for that I am very grateful. Feeling like this makes me in general feeling more grateful and humble. 

 

There are a few things I'd like to put down for my future reference. There have been some external stressors which triggered my old patterns of dealing with my reality and unearthed past traumas. It was also gloomy autumn, in particular 3 weeks in November that broke my spirit in half ad then the following 2 months just shattered me to pieces. I remember Tilly writing about her in a way having her spring/summer and autumn/winter personality. That's definitely me. I was so bravely exchanging with RU in October how autumn/winter cycle is something we have to go through since it's a natural cycle of things. But not in the tropics! How much different it would be to spend one's existence in an environment like that? Maybe not better but different.

 

Then I got a totally overwhelming urge to change things in my life. More precisely, my job and my place of living. When I'm in a good state I don't mind so much the negative parts of my job and I mostly look on the bright side of things. But when darkness creeps inside me, it colours all my environement in dark shades. I don't know what were neuro emotions in that. I wanted to be in a more motivating environment. Or simply in a different environment that would reinvigorate me. I felt like at least  a tiny part of not feeling well was due to non stimulating work environment and just being fed up with it after 6 years. I wanted to work somewhere else or study. I had this yearning for new and different. 

 

But now when I am down, I am grateful that I can fall back on the old ways, that I can hide behind my laurels and nurse my aching psyche. I am an ill and/or disabled person, severely so. I'm just surviving with difficulty from one day to the next. Issues such as motivating environment, learning, etc. have become a luxury. Another aspect which was "interesting" to note in my deterioration was a sense of financial insecurity. My finances haven't changed for the worse. They have remained equally bad as in my sunny period. Actually they even improve because I don't spend. Things don't make me happy so I don't buy them. I don't have anything similar to energy for any home improvements. Despite all that I feel a lot stronger sense of financial insecurity and pressure than when my account was more in the overdraft than now. 

 

I've also been wondering how other people here manage financially. If I couldn't work I wouldn't be able to continue repaying my mortgage and would lose the flat. I read about people going on disability. Here I would have to "make" myself very disabled by constant hospitalisations in order to maybe be considered for disability that wouldn't be enough to buy me bread. I'm again thinking about different realities than the one I live in. How much it influences people? Maybe it's good in a way that it forces me to be active and not sink in some unhealthy reveries...

 

It feels good to write this nonsense, getting it out ;) although it sounds clumsy.

 

After my huge emotional upheaval and that painful longing for a change of environment, I was hired for a job on the side with totally insane deadlines. But I had this feeling that I need money so desperately that I was happy to do it. I felt more stable financially but my brain felt fried literally after putting a few 18 hour work days at the weekend when I was suppose to rest actually. I literally felt like there were dark shadows floating in my brain but I knew why it was happening and was waiting to recover through rest like waiting for a swelling on my brain to subside. It was not surprising that I got hit by a flu virus in all its brutality. But it seemed as a welcome respite that would provide my brain with the rest it needed. However, lying in bed for 10 days is never conducive to anything good for me so I looked forward to going back to work and becoming active. 

 

And then a week ago I couldn't tell what was the flu, what was my mental unwellnes and what was who knows what. And it doesn't matter because whatever it is, you have to endure it. But it's very comforting to know what is happening. At least to control freaks ;)

 

Anyway, DP/DR started assualting me on the way from work. It seemed I have somewhat recovered over the weekend after a walk in the nature full of promises of spring but the spiraling down continued in the new week. Swimming in thick cortisol, attacked by DP/DR radomly, feeling like a 5 year old emotionally. And then culmination: in the night from Tuesday to Wednesday I woke up with a crackling noise in my left ear. I really freaked out. Was that the tinnitus that I've been reading about (but never had the "pleasure" of experiencing), have I reached a new level in my demise? It didn't come back this night.

 

I have no idea how I would deal with this if it wasn't for this forum. Or actually I do: I would stuff myself with Xanax up to the gills just to stop this. I can't say this is WD related. I don't take the "comfort" of blaming it on the drugs. I have learnt to distinguish between manifestations which are a result of how the drugs influence me and those that are the result of my own personal malfunctioning...

 

I haven't been "managing" my symptoms with Xanax for over a year now. I know I will survive and endure. I find magnesium and Taurine helpful. It takes the edge of this sharp mental pain and makes greetings to cortisol mornings less enthusiastic. 

 

I even feel like I'm back to my post reinstatement period with having little windows when anxiety decreases and I feel painfree, a bit empty but painfree like after a painful cramp. I actually find it pretty amazing that in states like this although my vision becomes very narrow, I remain positive and hopeful. I believe, maybe more than usually that things will get better. I curl up in my self-contained world and wait for the storm to blow off...That's just one apsect of difficult times when anxiety is prevailing.

 

I find watching TV comforting. I come back home totally thrilled that I have survived and then I watch a quiz show, followed by news, followed by a series, followed by a cooking show, followed by another series. I have been contained to very simple pleasures. But as much as I hate being a couch potato at least something can bring me a certain comfort. It's just that I've been reduced to a lower level of functioning.

 

Now I feel like I have sufficiently covered my ground or exuded all the things that have been accumulating in me...I feel kind of silly but slightly more in charge...

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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I'm glad you were able to share some of your thoughts and feelings bubble.  I understand your last sentence and often feel that way when I've been able to get some things out and onto my own thread.  It sounds like you have been fighting hard to survive through another difficult winter.  Even though you haven't posted often lately,  I'm glad you have still been able find support here.

 

When I was reading through the list of TV shows that you watch in the evening, I could feel I had a smile on my face, your simple routine sounded so warm and comforting and I have to admit to a twinge of envy because I'm still not able to find any relief or  distraction through watching TV, I still find it too disturbing.  But I do remember how it feels to be able to come home after a difficult day and shut out the stressful reality for a few hours by becoming lost in dramas, stories and challenges outside of our own skin.

 

I also relate to what you wrote about your financial worries, the fact that you are no worse off, maybe even slightly better, but you are more anxious about it.  I've been puzzled by this exact dilemma through my whole withdrawal process.  When our stress and anxiety levels are up, it seems to trigger survival instincts and in the modern world survival is often linked strongly with money and our perceived ability to control our own access to it, even if we have more than enough in reality.

 

But the sun is headed up to your part of the world now and those spring flowers you love so much will be greeting you with their colorful little faces as you go for your hikes, you will soon be feeling much better.

 

((hugs))

P.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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I'm impressed with how my/our dear Petu(nia) manages to make sense from my ramblings ;)

 

I never thought of that explanation for my increased worry over my financial security and it makes such perfect sense. I just like it that I am able to distance myself from this neuroemotion and not believe its narrative, at least not fully. 

 

About watching TV, I'm fully aware of all of you for whom this kind of activities can't bring comfort. It's kind of acknowledging that things could be worse. I want to believe it's a kind of acceptance: not comparing myself to what I used to be before (maybe because i can't remember it anymore!) or what I'm like when I function better or what my friends without issues are doing.

 

How our realities are subjective and our sense of who we are fragile. I just remembred one period when I was plagued with intense anxiety for months and then I read all Agatha Christie's novels. I was searching bookstores for more. When I got better I couldn't understand how I was even able to read them let alone enjoy them. I couldn't stand stereotyping of characters. I'm still not at a stage where I look at the people in the streets and wonder how they can all do what they are doing or thinking the same when watching TV with this sense: I would never be able to do what all these people are doing. I find quite a few descriptions of this "phenomenon" here. The next level is when all human activity and in particular cultural and spiritual ones seem totally futile and incomprehensible. I still remember watching ballerinas many years ago and being suffocated with that feeling of absurdity of their activities... Now I'm just like an aching child who appreciates what others are doing although she can't do it herself... 

 

big hugs for Petu (nia) ;)

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

 

 

It feels good to write this nonsense, getting it out ;) although it sounds clumsy.

 

 

Nope. Not clumsy. It sounds all too familiar, especially 1) when you explained how your attitude toward finances doesn't make sense 2) coming home from long, hard days of work & taking great pleasure in watching TV.

 

I am retired now. I spent the last 8 -10 years of my working life coming home and watching TV. Fall, Winter, Spring..it didn't matter. I was exhausted, burned out, getting older and disillusioned with the purpose that my career was taking me ( teaching). 

 

Just yesterday I flipped out about finances. I discovered that the insurance I signed up for no does not cover generic prescriptions. However the premium is much lower so in the long run we're ahead anyway. But I flipped out... majorly. Called the insurance company, called the exchange through which I purchased it and let fly some choice words. It was ultimately my fault for inadvertently signing up for the "wrong" plan but because things weren't clear , our government is in flux with this new Affordable Care Act which has now gone to the Supreme Court and because the repercussions could affect us I lost it. I swore. I stomped around. I fussed... and I normally am pretty in control. 

 

If I had just taken a moment and thought it through.... 

 

I am convinced that I suffer pretty seriously from Seasonal Affective Disorder and will have to do some things to remedy that including taking vitamin D and possibly and strategically planning whatever escapes we can afford for me to take to warmth and sunshine. It's been two months since my trip to Maui... and yesterday was a tip off that my vitamin D may be low. I suppose I should and could have it checked. I wonder if my insurance would cover it ( grrrrrrr) ?

 

I also am also coming to the conclusion that my personality includes an aspect of "justice"  with lines drawn of what is right and wrong, justifiable and not, tolerable behavior and not, professional and not, excusable and not that I was never really cognizant of before.

 

For example, with my job. Once procedures and government oversight that professed to be for the benefit of ALL children ( NCLB) in some cases did exactly the opposite and I observed students best interest being compromised... well it was the beginning of the end for me in believing in my good deeds. And I lost my temper at work too with adults who played the game or chose to turn a blind eye  to what was happening to the welfare of children. I could not be a part of it ANYMORE and thank God I made it as long as I did. 

 

You see..... when the bottom line, in MY estimation is WRONG ( according to ME and my internal system of "justice" ) I become intolerant and a tyrant ... a little, scrimpy, female one at that! 

 

Vis a vis   the insurance deal and my tirade. 

 

In our society... a little, scrimpy female tyrant is intolerable and I suspect that my mother could not handle me... the beginning of some of my emotional problems... sigh. Mothers are easy to blame. No? :)

 

 

So. Bubble. It is great that you have the wherewithal to be able to evaluate yourself. I was not so clever. Talk about clumsy... I just stumbled through it without a clue.  It seems to me that you are getting and recognizing your own clues. Writing and expressing them?! Wow. Kudos. 

 

I think that you are doing great. If I could give you one little piece of advice or if you would like a little idea of what I suspect is happening to you it is this. I think that perhaps you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Maybe you know that. But did you know that vitamin D can be the culprit and that as we get older that can become worse? Have you ever had your vitamin D levels checked over a period of a year? Maybe that would be a good idea??

 

Or better yet... is there any possibility that you could get away to more southern latitudes for a "sun" break once in awhile?

 

Now I'm rambling.... and maybe I'm projecting some of my suspicions of what I think is happening to myself on you and this is not helpful at all.....

 

I think I should take some of my own advice perhaps!!!

 

Anyway.... above all.... be gentle with yourself. Watch TV if it makes you feel better. And just realizing that your thoughts regarding your financial  situation are out of whack is great. They probably are out of whack. This too shall pass.

 

 

ONWARD HO TO SPRING!!!!!

 

Take care. Forever your RU........ RU :)

Fall 1995 xanax, zoloft. switched to Serzone

1996- spring 2003serzone/ xanax/ lightbox.

b]Fall 2003- Fall 2004? Lexapro 10 mg. Light box /4 mg. xanax.[/b]

2004 - Fall of 2009 10 mg Lex, 150 mg Wellbutrin XL % 4 mg xanax

November 2009- Sept. 2011 10 mg lex., 300 Well. XL, 4 mg Xanax [/b

Sept.2012- July 2012 20 mg Lex 300 Well. XL, 4 mg Xanax

My mantra " go slow & with the flow "

3/2/13.. Began equal dosing 5 Xs /day xanax, while simultaneously incorporating a 2.5 % drop ( from 3.5 mg/day to 3.4 mg/day)

4/6/13 dropped from 300 mg. Wellbutrin XL to 150 mg. Difficult but DONE! Down to 3.3 mg xanax/ day / 6/10/13 3 mg xanax/day; 7/15/2013 2.88mg xanax/day.

10/ 1/2013...... 2.5 mg xanax… ( switched to tablets again) WOO HOO!!!!!! Holding here… cont. with Lexapro.

1/ 2/2014.. tapered to 18mg ( by weight) of a 26 mg ( by weight) pill of 20 mg tab. lexapro. goal is 13mg (by weight OR 10 mg by ingredient content) and STOPPED. Feeling very down with unbalanced, unpredictable WD symptoms.

1/2/2014- ??? Taking a brain-healing break from tapering anything after actively tapering something for 1.5 years. So… daily doses as of 2/2/2014: 18 mg by weight Lex, 150 mg Well. XL, 2.5 mg xanax, down from 26 mg by weight Lex., 300 mg well. XL, 4 mg xanax in August, 2012. I'll take it. :) 5/8/14 started equivalent dose liquid./ tabs. 5/13/14 1.5 % cut.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Dear RU, I'm glad you got inspired and thank you for sharing! 

 

This idiom was new to me and it brought a big smile on my face: let fly some choice words. I also imagined you doing it and I was thinking to myself: well that's assertive ;) I realised some time ago that my transformation from being timid into being assertive will go through being aggressive stage. I can recognise myself in your description of flying into a rage. I still treat it is a developmental stage although I increasingly worry that I have become too bitchy. And I don't like it. All I want is to be more assertive but very often my assertiveness comes out in stomping, fussing, cursing (I'm a late bloomer: didn't use any swear words till I was in my mid 20-ies ;)

 

I'm also a teacher by training but could never teach in school for the very same reasons you mention. I just couldn't put up with too many things in the school system. So I never even tried. 

 

I totally agree with you that we both seem to have that seasonal thing (don't really like the word disorder ;) but I take back my view that it's natural. It's way too painful for that. And I remember how much my father was struggling with winters too. I've been reading a lot about vitamin D but then at the crucial moment when I was in the thick of things I forgot about it ;( There was a bit of the sun this winter so I thought I'd get by... I was also very seriously considering buying a light box when you mentioned it in October or even September but then forgot grrr (before that I couldn't make up my mind on a model and make a decision on allocating funding for my wellbeing ;(

 

And I did start seriously thinking (daydreaming) of what it would be like to go somewhere sunnier and different as I said...

 

Anyway, days got longer now, there's a lot more sun, my daffodils are ready to bloom any day now and for next winter I will be more clever.

 

You are not rambling and you are always free and very welcome to project: we are too similar for you to miss the target ;)

 

And you included a definition of wherewithal for my benefit - so sweet!!!  

 

I have windows and waves throughout the day. Like spring clouds moving over the sky and obscuring the sun. Except that there are a lot more cloudy periods still...

 

big hugs to you ;)

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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Hi Bubble,

I haven´t been here much as you know for sure, but today I wanted to catch up with some threads. I admit being discouraged by the afflux of new members - I felt a bit lost.

I am really sorry you have been feeling so poor lately. I´d bet the flu has got something to do with it, not to mention the dark sesaons of the year. We may have had the same virus, so I can attest to the fact that it makes everything worse. I feel pretty stable now, nevertheless when being bedridden and aflicted by the attack of flu, I immediately started to panick about the return of my former CFS symptoms. It did make me feel very low to tell the truth.

I guess that the amount of work you took on, the flu and maybe some feeling of discrepancy in your relationship is adding up.

I am thinking of you, you are a very strong person and I know your coping skills are extensively better that mine, for example. Thus, I cannot add anything profound or new, I just wanted to say hello here and I sincerely hope the upcoming spring will help you in your recovery.

Put on trazadone for 8 weeks. Psychic akathisia started on 100 mg. Not a single doctor believed me telling me it is all anxiety in my head. Terrible suicidal urges. Got voluntary hospitalised. Acknoledged adverse reaction, put me off cold turkey. Instalated mirtazapine to block the reaction of trazadone. 5 weeks on mirtazapine.acathisia worsened, suicidal, homicidal urges. Nobody believed. Finally they stopped mirtazapine cold turkey. My heighest dose of trazadone was 200 mg, of mirtazapine 30 mg. Since the c/t, suicidal, acathisia continuing.

tried promethazine for sleep. Tried atarax. Currently taking klonopin for 10 days. Good for sleep, but my condition worsening. Unable to tell if it is klonopin or a bad wave.

In the former hospital i took twice gabapentin. It should be all my medication.

i was offered promethazin for sleep 25 mg and also small amount of quetiapine. Both are antipsychotics, even if ptomethszin very weak. Terribly afraid.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Bubble,

I haven´t been here much as you know for sure, but today I wanted to catch up with some threads. I admit being discouraged by the afflux of new members - I felt a bit lost.

I am really sorry you have been feeling so poor lately. I´d bet the flu has got something to do with it, not to mention the dark sesaons of the year. We may have had the same virus, so I can attest to the fact that it makes everything worse. I feel pretty stable now, nevertheless when being bedridden and aflicted by the attack of flu, I immediately started to panick about the return of my former CFS symptoms. It did make me feel very low to tell the truth.

I guess that the amount of work you took on, the flu and maybe some feeling of discrepancy in your relationship is adding up.

I am thinking of you, you are a very strong person and I know your coping skills are extensively better that mine, for example. Thus, I cannot add anything profound or new, I just wanted to say hello here and I sincerely hope the upcoming spring will help you in your recovery.

 

This is so sweeeeet! Thanks for your kind words and for visiting us here. hugs 

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Bubble!

 

We're having a slow night at work, and it's Friday, and I worked last weekend, so I'm treating myself to not doing much even though I could be picking up a project or something here. So I decided to spend some time on S.A. and look in on old friends. 

 

I'm sorry you've had such a rough winter, so sorry. You're a beautiful ray of sunlight in my world and you deserve only joy and healing and all the good things. 

 

Sadly, in life the good people don't always get only all the good things.

 

We had a fairly mild winter here and an early spring. Dear Bubble, the wildflowers are out, the daffodils are coming up, and there's been some sun almost every day. I don't think I'm as far north as you are, but I know the spring is headed your way too. Literally, and metaphorically.

 

(And next winter I will lecture you about getting a light box. They sure do help me. I wouldn't try to get through a winter without one.)

 

Thank you for sharing yourself and your story with us. You are so appreciated and loved here.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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  • Administrator

Bubble, please know we love you and cherish your messages!

 

How is your gut? Have you gone forward with any of the natural cure for h. pylori?

 

I went through a period when I was worried about this and did lots of research. There are some interesting non-drug options out there.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Oh, Dammit, NO! I don't want you to be having a hard time. I want everything to be falling into place and progressing along smoothly. I know that's not how it works, that it is all about windows and waves, but still (this is me having a temper tantrum on your behalf)!!!!

 

I am sorry that it is so hard for you right now. I am happy to see that you are able to see that it will pass. You've been here, or somewhere similar to here, before and come thru and you will again. 

 

I have a friend in upper Michigan and she posted a picture of ducks today. Ducks mean that spring is coming. I know you don't live in Michigan but she gets really nasty weather so when she gets hopeful, so do I. I have another friend who has a horse that has begun to shed his winter coat. That is a good sign too. Spring will get here. Its coming! Keep holding on. 

 

Take care of you. Get light when you can. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Back to the basics, remember the basics. 

Current:

Lorazapam2mg: 4/9/152mg - 1.5mg: already sick/nothing noticed. No changes in sleep noted after illness.  

Lamictal: 7/27/13 - 8/6/13: 400mg - 500mg(dr order) mouth sores, headache, cognitive/balance, heart palp...8/7/13 - 8/23/13: 500mg - 400mg; symptoms↓...10/10/13: 350mg; fever/flu-like <2-weeks...12/30/13: 325mg; fever/flu-like symptoms <1-week...2/10/17: 300mg; no significant changes noted. 

 

Discontinued:

Omeprazole: 09/2103 40mg...5/1/14: 20mg... 8/21/14 = 0

Wellbutrin: 11/22/13: 300mg – 225mg...12/6/13 delayed reaction- mood swings, weight↓, heart palp/chest pain, alerting...12/14/13: 187mg; physical symptoms↓, neuro emotions ↑, weight stable...12/20/13: 225mg; physical symptoms return, emotions stable <1-week, weight↓...4/21/14: 187mg; weight↑...5/17/14 (neurologist ordered discontinue asap):168mg; headache, mood swings, ↑weight, sleep flux...5/24/14: 150mg; headache, mood swings, ↓cognitive/balance...6/2/14: 112mg; see above, weight stable, <3-weeks... 6/28/14: 100mg; moody...7/25/14: 87.5mg; family troubles... 8/4/14: 75mg; headaches; moody... 8/9/1450mg headaches... 8/12/14: 37.5mg; 8/17/14: 25mg...8/26/14 = 0

Hydroxyzine; 10mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. Mood changes/rage 

Buspirone: 7.5mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. No changes.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Just stopping by to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping the wave is passing if it hasn't already.

1988-2012: Prozac @ 60mg (with a few stops and starts)

Fall 2012: Returned to 40mg after discontinuing and horrid withdrawal 

Fall 2013: 40mg Fluoxetine, added 150mg Wellbutrin to treat fatigue 

Winter 2014: Attempting to taper both (too fast)

April 2014: 9mg Fluoxetine + 37.5 Wellbutrin 

Summer 2014: 8 mg Fluoxetine + 0 Wellbutrin (way too fast a drop)

Late summer/Early Fall 2014: Debilitating Withdrawal symptoms 

Fall 2014 - Wellbutrin successfully kicked to the curb but…

Oct- Dec 2014: Panicked reinstatement of Fluoxetine ->30mg - held for 5yrs

Jan 2021: taper to 20mg Fluoxetine  then tapering by 1mg every 2-3 months

Fall 2022 - held at 10mg->December 2022: 9mg->Feb 2023: 8mg ->March 2023: brassmonkey slide begins: 7.8mg -> 7.6 -> 7.4->2 week hold (April)->7.2->7mg->6.8->2 week hold->6.6-> 1-month hold ->(June)-6.5->4-week hold-> (July)-6.4 (discontinued brassmonkey slide and slowed taper)-> (Aug)-6.2->(Sept)-6.0->(Oct)-5.9->(Nov)-5.8->(Dec)-5.7->wave!->(Jan)-5.8->(Feb)-6mg and holding.

 

My 2014 withdrawal experience: https://rxisk.org/antidepressant-withdrawal-a-prozac-story/

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Bubble!

 

We're having a slow night at work, and it's Friday, and I worked last weekend, so I'm treating myself to not doing much even though I could be picking up a project or something here. So I decided to spend some time on S.A. and look in on old friends. 

 

We had a fairly mild winter here and an early spring. Dear Bubble, the wildflowers are out, the daffodils are coming up, and there's been some sun almost every day. I don't think I'm as far north as you are, but I know the spring is headed your way too. Literally, and metaphorically.

 

(And next winter I will lecture you about getting a light box. They sure do help me. I wouldn't try to get through a winter without one.)

 

Thank you for sharing yourself and your story with us. You are so appreciated and loved here.

 

Dear Rhi and Alto, when I read those messages, I started crying and I cried for a while. It was nice. My family is not good at expressing affection so I'm not used to it. It felt so good and novel to be a part of this beautiful community. Yes, the spring is here too! And lying with the warm sun on my face I literally feel like a survivor. Next winter I will take the light box a lot more seriously and bother you Rhi for tips :) At the moment my anxiety has decreased a lot and I feel almost OK. A sort of respite. I will make a few notes for myself on how I battled anxiety today.

 

Bubble, please know we love you and cherish your messages!

 

How is your gut? Have you gone forward with any of the natural cure for h. pylori?

 

I went through a period when I was worried about this and did lots of research. There are some interesting non-drug options out there.

 

Alto, you precious lady :) I was so touched that you remembered my gut issues! It comes and goes. Sometimes I have to be extremely careful about what I eat and then for a few weeks things are almost normal. I had so many other things on my plate that I couldn't focus on dealing with h. pylori. My initial research into non-drug options left me confused so if you have time I would very much appreciate sharing the results of your research. I was about to order an expensive supplement but wasn't sure whether it would work...

 

Just stopping by to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping the wave is passing if it hasn't already.

 

Thank you dear Addax! Thank God, it's been a long while since I last felt so rotten and the support of dear people here means so much. All those years when I went through all of that alone with nobody to understand even if they wanted to... At the moment I'm feeling better and hope it means things are moving towards my normal level of difficult living. It's so nice to see you around again and out of your awful and long wave. One of my anxiety reducing tools this weekend was what you mentioned on Muddles thread: I asked my husband to lie on me and it did help! I have some spine issues so it was painful on my spine but I could feel anxiety abating after some 10 minutes. The problem is that it would return after half an hour but it's totally amazing that it can fix it! 

Oh, Dammit, NO! I don't want you to be having a hard time. I want everything to be falling into place and progressing along smoothly. I know that's not how it works, that it is all about windows and waves, but still (this is me having a temper tantrum on your behalf)!!!!

 

I am sorry that it is so hard for you right now. I am happy to see that you are able to see that it will pass. You've been here, or somewhere similar to here, before and come thru and you will again. 

 

I have a friend in upper Michigan and she posted a picture of ducks today. Ducks mean that spring is coming. I know you don't live in Michigan but she gets really nasty weather so when she gets hopeful, so do I. I have another friend who has a horse that has begun to shed his winter coat. That is a good sign too. Spring will get here. Its coming! Keep holding on. 

 

Take care of you. Get light when you can. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Back to the basics, remember the basics. 

 

Thank you dear Amy! I've been thinking about you and noticed you haven't been around for a while. I always take it means good things and I hope I'm right. Yes, indeed I was doing very well for quite a long and for that I'm grateful. And as you say, I know it will pass. It'just a matter of time. What is different this time is that I'm managing a severe setback without drugs. I would say without thinking about drugs but in a moment of fear and despair I went back for a very brief moment to "if it comes to that, Xanax will save me". But now I actually believe I can be saved without Xanax. I've seen so many of you surviving horrible anxiety that I can't doubt it any more. 

 

This weekend I have actually achieved much more than previous weekends. I was trying to go back to sleep after a cortisol alarm clock went off but lying in bed would just make me aware of cortisol being pumped all over my body. I couldn't stop all sorts of anxiety producing thoughts about the forthcoming week or about things which happened in my childhood. It was just going in all directions. Like all my anxieties getting together for a party and inviting each other. Since it was a beautiful sunny spring day I realised that my windows are in a really bade state so I felt motivated to address it. I didn't think it would be possible to muster the required energy. I actually felt like there was no way I could do it. But I started it and was just delaying the moment I would retreat back to bed. Then I found myself washing the windows and tidying a whole lot of things for 3 hours. Keeping my hands busy stopped my anxiety thoughts and I felt a lot less anxious than lying in bed.

 

I was just thinking if only I didn't have to work. If I could just stay at home and do things around the house. I would just get very scared at the thought of sitting at the desk at work and fighting with reports. It feel like having to run a marathon with a broken leg. To make matters worse, I had to book a hotel and a flight for an important business trip at the end of the month (when all I want to do is hide under a blanket). I'm somehow telling myself that it's still 2 weeks till then and that I will (probably) feel better by then. But it's best if I manage not to think about it all. 

 

Then we went for a walk. I was picking snowdrops for a posy, primroses for tea, lying in the sun by a stream and spent 4 hours outdoors. That lying in the sun was so soothing. I could almost feel dark chunks deep inside me disintegrating. 

 

I will try to take one day at a time, one task at a time, cut myself plenty of slack...

 

It's not easy to come here and write about all that aching. It's hard to be vulnerable. But it's also so humbling and it opens you to people. Especially if people on the receiving end are such great and warm people.It means a world

 

big hugs to all :)

 

(I read through what I wrote and I saw how poorly my brain is working. So many mistakes. I actually wrote: lying with the face on my sun! I will have to read what I write in my reports very carefully.... Even writing this update strained my brain so much...

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

So glad you're feeling improvement, Bubble! I do hope you stick to cutting yourself some slack. I think that's something than many of us don't do, myself included.

 

I'm glad you found some relief in having your husband lay on you! I know it sounds sort of silly, but it works for many. There are giant pillows you can get to put between you and the person doing the laying if it's just the pressure you want (or if the person is really boney I guess). The physical contact, though, is supposed to facilitate the oxytocin part.

 

I look forward to reading of continued improvements for you. :-)

1988-2012: Prozac @ 60mg (with a few stops and starts)

Fall 2012: Returned to 40mg after discontinuing and horrid withdrawal 

Fall 2013: 40mg Fluoxetine, added 150mg Wellbutrin to treat fatigue 

Winter 2014: Attempting to taper both (too fast)

April 2014: 9mg Fluoxetine + 37.5 Wellbutrin 

Summer 2014: 8 mg Fluoxetine + 0 Wellbutrin (way too fast a drop)

Late summer/Early Fall 2014: Debilitating Withdrawal symptoms 

Fall 2014 - Wellbutrin successfully kicked to the curb but…

Oct- Dec 2014: Panicked reinstatement of Fluoxetine ->30mg - held for 5yrs

Jan 2021: taper to 20mg Fluoxetine  then tapering by 1mg every 2-3 months

Fall 2022 - held at 10mg->December 2022: 9mg->Feb 2023: 8mg ->March 2023: brassmonkey slide begins: 7.8mg -> 7.6 -> 7.4->2 week hold (April)->7.2->7mg->6.8->2 week hold->6.6-> 1-month hold ->(June)-6.5->4-week hold-> (July)-6.4 (discontinued brassmonkey slide and slowed taper)-> (Aug)-6.2->(Sept)-6.0->(Oct)-5.9->(Nov)-5.8->(Dec)-5.7->wave!->(Jan)-5.8->(Feb)-6mg and holding.

 

My 2014 withdrawal experience: https://rxisk.org/antidepressant-withdrawal-a-prozac-story/

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi

 

Checking in. I'm happy to hear that the sun has found your face. I am certainly ready for this winter to move along. Yay for clean windows and hope. 

Current:

Lorazapam2mg: 4/9/152mg - 1.5mg: already sick/nothing noticed. No changes in sleep noted after illness.  

Lamictal: 7/27/13 - 8/6/13: 400mg - 500mg(dr order) mouth sores, headache, cognitive/balance, heart palp...8/7/13 - 8/23/13: 500mg - 400mg; symptoms↓...10/10/13: 350mg; fever/flu-like <2-weeks...12/30/13: 325mg; fever/flu-like symptoms <1-week...2/10/17: 300mg; no significant changes noted. 

 

Discontinued:

Omeprazole: 09/2103 40mg...5/1/14: 20mg... 8/21/14 = 0

Wellbutrin: 11/22/13: 300mg – 225mg...12/6/13 delayed reaction- mood swings, weight↓, heart palp/chest pain, alerting...12/14/13: 187mg; physical symptoms↓, neuro emotions ↑, weight stable...12/20/13: 225mg; physical symptoms return, emotions stable <1-week, weight↓...4/21/14: 187mg; weight↑...5/17/14 (neurologist ordered discontinue asap):168mg; headache, mood swings, ↑weight, sleep flux...5/24/14: 150mg; headache, mood swings, ↓cognitive/balance...6/2/14: 112mg; see above, weight stable, <3-weeks... 6/28/14: 100mg; moody...7/25/14: 87.5mg; family troubles... 8/4/14: 75mg; headaches; moody... 8/9/1450mg headaches... 8/12/14: 37.5mg; 8/17/14: 25mg...8/26/14 = 0

Hydroxyzine; 10mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. Mood changes/rage 

Buspirone: 7.5mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. No changes.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi Bubble,

 

I'm stopping by to say hello. I hope that the sun is shining on you in your part of the world. Sunshine is such a mood booster.

 

I am so grateful for your post on my thread and wanted you to know that. It was very affirming and kind. Thank you!

 

I hope that you are well in spite of work pressures. I would love to hear how things are for you when you feel able to post - no pressure. 

 

Until then, be gentle with yourself and enjoy the sunshine.

 

Hugs,

Tilly x

1999 - 2004 Paroxetine 20mg  -> 2004 - 2007 Citalopram 20mg -> 2007 -  short term Trazedone use (insomnia) -> 2007 - 2009 Fluoxetine 20mg  ->

2009 - Jan 2012 Citalopram 20mg  (Spring / Summer 2012 protracted withdrawal & related agoraphobia) -> 2012 - September Restarted Citalopram - unbearable start up effects. Discontinued in under 1 week -> Oct 12 -   October 2014 Escitalopram - 10mg prescribed. Started on 5mg and worked up to 10mg in 2.5mg increments  -> Oct 2014  - 5mg; 30/03/15 2.5mg; 15/04/15 3.5mg; 20/05/15 2.9mg;  19/09/15 2.8mg; 30/10/15 2.7mg; 13/11/15 2.6mg. Holding until March.

Diet:  mostly pescatarianl & lots of veg. Weekly offal for b vitamins.  Turmeric, nigella seeds, avocados, apple cider vinegar, coconut products daily. Lots of fluids: water, lemon juice, coconut water, herbal & green tea (decaffeinated).

Supplements: vitamin C 4000mg, Omega 3 fish oil - high DPA & EHA, vitamin E 400iu, vitamin D3 5000mg (Winter only - from sun in Spring / Summer), probiotics.

Current Symptoms: chronic fatigue, erratic sleep, extreme photophobia, eye floaters, noise sensitivity, tinnitus, cognitive & speech difficulties, dizziness, irregular gait, poor co ordination, severe facial and upper body muscle tension, head and neck pressure.

Coping Strategies: good nutrition, cooking, gardening & growing my own food, cycling, dancing, yoga, photography, sewing & creative pursuits, self massage, pampering, meditation, journalling, nature, cuddling cats & humans, laughter & humour, gratitude, self care, aromatherapy, audio books, word games & believing in myself, my potential and my future.

 

"Everything I need is within me" - Shakti Gawain

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Bubble,

 

I'm stopping by to say hello. I hope that the sun is shining on you in your part of the world. Sunshine is such a mood booster.

 

I am so grateful for your post on my thread and wanted you to know that. It was very affirming and kind. Thank you!

 

I hope that you are well in spite of work pressures. I would love to hear how things are for you when you feel able to post - no pressure. 

 

Until then, be gentle with yourself and enjoy the sunshine.

 

Hugs,

Tilly x

 

Thank you so much Tilly for "resurrecting" me here. I got so lazyyyy (or whatever). Yes, it's spring and my back is killing me so I use every free moment I have to walk in nature, pick flowers and herbs and so on.

 

Also I do so much writing and sitting at the computer at work that I can't wait to be away from it and not write. Last year was one report after the other and with my "focus" and concentration, this was really painful.

 

I've wanted to update on my last wave here because it had an interesting 4-day structure: for 4 days I was just going down and there was nothing I could do. It started with DP/DR and anxiety was just growing to reach a 24 steady flow. Then I was swiming in thick cortisol for 4 days before things started easing and over the next 4 days there was a slow improvement.

 

Things have been hectic at work since then but I'm managing. I've just started an experiment with high doses of vitamin C after reading about Petunia's experience and that of a few other members. I have accepted some of my symptoms to such an extent that I don't even pay attention to them any more: constant and significant fatigue (but it could be worse. Everythig feels like wading through water but I mange to move), brain fog, difficulty concentrating, scattered focus, restlessness (but as long as it's not panic and I don't feel like I'm falling apart or going crazy, I don't complain). On the other hand, oh my - imagine that I am calm, have energy and focus... I had to give it a try ;)

 

I managed to have guests this weekend but it exhausted me beyond words. I almost didn't enjoy the experience since it was using so much of my energy and it will take days to recharge. In that context it means so much to me to have found this community (have to say it once again ;). I spent over a decade comparing myself to other people and mourning over things they can do and I can't (or things I could do before, mourning over my former self. They don't think about most of the things that take so much effort for me to do. That comparing is a form of self-torture and I'm sad to see that so many members here engage in it. Acceptance of my new self enabled me to appreciate the kind of life I lead although it is different to the way it was before and although it's different to the life of my friends. A day without panic, a night with only a short awake period, a morning without cortisol, a moment of feeling calm and noticing beauty...- a totally different way of appreciating life.

 

I'm so happy to have finally gotten round to writing this update. It's also a nice grounding activity.

 

Hope you are all getting enough moments of respite ;)

 

I like your coping strategies a lot, Tilly! Thank you for writing it down for us, pontoon lady ;)

 

big hugs to all!

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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It is so lovely to hear from you, Bubble!  :)

 

You make great use of your free time pursuing the loveliest activities. Good for you!

 

I'm sorry to hear of ongoing struggles, but so happy to see that you can see positives and have developed calm, energy and focus - this is an achievement in itself! Self - acceptance is also a vital and wonderful state of being to achieve. I am so pleased that you have found this  :D

 

I totally agree that comparing is fruitless and can be soul destroying. We are all on different journeys. Like you, I also value this community immeasurably and say it often.

 

It is good that updating and posting was grounding for you.

 

'Pontoon lady'! This made me laugh out loud. I love it!  ;)

 

I am venturing out to my pontoon now in search of my ducklings and to soak up some sunshine. 

 

I hope that your day is kind to you and you manage to immerse yourself in nature at some point.

 

Huge hugs to you,

 

Tilly x

1999 - 2004 Paroxetine 20mg  -> 2004 - 2007 Citalopram 20mg -> 2007 -  short term Trazedone use (insomnia) -> 2007 - 2009 Fluoxetine 20mg  ->

2009 - Jan 2012 Citalopram 20mg  (Spring / Summer 2012 protracted withdrawal & related agoraphobia) -> 2012 - September Restarted Citalopram - unbearable start up effects. Discontinued in under 1 week -> Oct 12 -   October 2014 Escitalopram - 10mg prescribed. Started on 5mg and worked up to 10mg in 2.5mg increments  -> Oct 2014  - 5mg; 30/03/15 2.5mg; 15/04/15 3.5mg; 20/05/15 2.9mg;  19/09/15 2.8mg; 30/10/15 2.7mg; 13/11/15 2.6mg. Holding until March.

Diet:  mostly pescatarianl & lots of veg. Weekly offal for b vitamins.  Turmeric, nigella seeds, avocados, apple cider vinegar, coconut products daily. Lots of fluids: water, lemon juice, coconut water, herbal & green tea (decaffeinated).

Supplements: vitamin C 4000mg, Omega 3 fish oil - high DPA & EHA, vitamin E 400iu, vitamin D3 5000mg (Winter only - from sun in Spring / Summer), probiotics.

Current Symptoms: chronic fatigue, erratic sleep, extreme photophobia, eye floaters, noise sensitivity, tinnitus, cognitive & speech difficulties, dizziness, irregular gait, poor co ordination, severe facial and upper body muscle tension, head and neck pressure.

Coping Strategies: good nutrition, cooking, gardening & growing my own food, cycling, dancing, yoga, photography, sewing & creative pursuits, self massage, pampering, meditation, journalling, nature, cuddling cats & humans, laughter & humour, gratitude, self care, aromatherapy, audio books, word games & believing in myself, my potential and my future.

 

"Everything I need is within me" - Shakti Gawain

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  • Moderator Emeritus

:)

 

I had such vivid images of the pontoon and ducklings... 2 more days and I will have a few days off around my birthday to treat myself to some nature time ;)

 

I also remembered I could record my initial experience with vitamin C: I took 1 mg at 6 pm yesterday. I was feeling worse than usually: high anxiety, irritability and restlessness mostly. By 10 o'clock I got relaxed, calmer, pleasantly tired, even in good mood, as if a bit tipsy ;)

 

I took 1 mg in the morning and plan to take one more in the aftrenoon and in the evening. It's extended release, some regular brand I found at the pharmacy...

 

The experiment continues ;)

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I spent over a decade comparing myself to other people and mourning over things they can do and I can't (or things I could do before, mourning over my former self. They don't think about most of the things that take so much effort for me to do. That comparing is a form of self-torture and I'm sad to see that so many members here engage in it. Acceptance of my new self enabled me to appreciate the kind of life I lead although it is different to the way it was before and although it's different to the life of my friends. A day without panic, a night with only a short awake period, a morning without cortisol, a moment of feeling calm and noticing beauty...- a totally different way of appreciating life.

I read a quote somewhere that you reminded me of: "Comparison if the thief of joy." So true!

 

I was glad to see your update, Bubbles. I am sorry to hear about your struggles but you don't sound like you're necessarily in a bad place... I hope I'm "hearing" that right.

 

I hope you find the vitamin C helpful! Please let us know! Maybe we should start a separate thread just for vitamine C.

 

Enjoy your time with nature! AND have a wonderful birthday!

1988-2012: Prozac @ 60mg (with a few stops and starts)

Fall 2012: Returned to 40mg after discontinuing and horrid withdrawal 

Fall 2013: 40mg Fluoxetine, added 150mg Wellbutrin to treat fatigue 

Winter 2014: Attempting to taper both (too fast)

April 2014: 9mg Fluoxetine + 37.5 Wellbutrin 

Summer 2014: 8 mg Fluoxetine + 0 Wellbutrin (way too fast a drop)

Late summer/Early Fall 2014: Debilitating Withdrawal symptoms 

Fall 2014 - Wellbutrin successfully kicked to the curb but…

Oct- Dec 2014: Panicked reinstatement of Fluoxetine ->30mg - held for 5yrs

Jan 2021: taper to 20mg Fluoxetine  then tapering by 1mg every 2-3 months

Fall 2022 - held at 10mg->December 2022: 9mg->Feb 2023: 8mg ->March 2023: brassmonkey slide begins: 7.8mg -> 7.6 -> 7.4->2 week hold (April)->7.2->7mg->6.8->2 week hold->6.6-> 1-month hold ->(June)-6.5->4-week hold-> (July)-6.4 (discontinued brassmonkey slide and slowed taper)-> (Aug)-6.2->(Sept)-6.0->(Oct)-5.9->(Nov)-5.8->(Dec)-5.7->wave!->(Jan)-5.8->(Feb)-6mg and holding.

 

My 2014 withdrawal experience: https://rxisk.org/antidepressant-withdrawal-a-prozac-story/

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I read a quote somewhere that you reminded me of: "Comparison if the thief of joy." So true!

 

I was glad to see your update, Bubbles. I am sorry to hear about your struggles but you don't sound like you're necessarily in a bad place... I hope I'm "hearing" that right.

 

I hope you find the vitamin C helpful! Please let us know! Maybe we should start a separate thread just for vitamine C.

 

Enjoy your time with nature! AND have a wonderful birthday!

 

 

Thanks a lot Addax ;) I'm following your thread too and was very happy to see that you have improved a lot after the unfortunate Prozac/Wellbutrin episode. And seems like you are tapering again - keeping my fingers crossed.

 

Yes, we should strat a therad on Vitamin C. There might be one already... Have to check.

 

I hope I'll find more time to "visit" all the other friends here. Even if I don't write I keep an eye on all of you ;)

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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When is your birthday, Bubble?

 

I hope that your special day is filled with lots of nature time and your favourite things!

 

Have a lovely, lovely day :)

 

Tilly x

1999 - 2004 Paroxetine 20mg  -> 2004 - 2007 Citalopram 20mg -> 2007 -  short term Trazedone use (insomnia) -> 2007 - 2009 Fluoxetine 20mg  ->

2009 - Jan 2012 Citalopram 20mg  (Spring / Summer 2012 protracted withdrawal & related agoraphobia) -> 2012 - September Restarted Citalopram - unbearable start up effects. Discontinued in under 1 week -> Oct 12 -   October 2014 Escitalopram - 10mg prescribed. Started on 5mg and worked up to 10mg in 2.5mg increments  -> Oct 2014  - 5mg; 30/03/15 2.5mg; 15/04/15 3.5mg; 20/05/15 2.9mg;  19/09/15 2.8mg; 30/10/15 2.7mg; 13/11/15 2.6mg. Holding until March.

Diet:  mostly pescatarianl & lots of veg. Weekly offal for b vitamins.  Turmeric, nigella seeds, avocados, apple cider vinegar, coconut products daily. Lots of fluids: water, lemon juice, coconut water, herbal & green tea (decaffeinated).

Supplements: vitamin C 4000mg, Omega 3 fish oil - high DPA & EHA, vitamin E 400iu, vitamin D3 5000mg (Winter only - from sun in Spring / Summer), probiotics.

Current Symptoms: chronic fatigue, erratic sleep, extreme photophobia, eye floaters, noise sensitivity, tinnitus, cognitive & speech difficulties, dizziness, irregular gait, poor co ordination, severe facial and upper body muscle tension, head and neck pressure.

Coping Strategies: good nutrition, cooking, gardening & growing my own food, cycling, dancing, yoga, photography, sewing & creative pursuits, self massage, pampering, meditation, journalling, nature, cuddling cats & humans, laughter & humour, gratitude, self care, aromatherapy, audio books, word games & believing in myself, my potential and my future.

 

"Everything I need is within me" - Shakti Gawain

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Hi

 

I've spent some time wallowing in the pool of self-pity. It can be so hard to see people doing things that I want to do or things that I used to do and to comprehend just how long it has been since I've done them. Worse is when I realize how afraid I am to try to do them again. Sometimes I just have to suck it up and put myself out there. Most of the time I am happy when I do. 

 

I'm not familiar with the vitamin C method altho you are the 3rd person to mention it. I will look into it later but my gut is asking if it would make sense to raise the amount of vitC that you are taking slowly, like a reverse taper. It might make it easier to tell what is what and to not have strong reactions. Just a thought. Please post about your experience tho. I would like to hear what you uncover. 

 

I wish I was here more often. I admit to missing the frequent check-ins. I'm glad I got here in time to learn that you have a birthday coming soon. As Tilly asked, please share so I can send you sloppy squishy birthday hugs. 

Current:

Lorazapam2mg: 4/9/152mg - 1.5mg: already sick/nothing noticed. No changes in sleep noted after illness.  

Lamictal: 7/27/13 - 8/6/13: 400mg - 500mg(dr order) mouth sores, headache, cognitive/balance, heart palp...8/7/13 - 8/23/13: 500mg - 400mg; symptoms↓...10/10/13: 350mg; fever/flu-like <2-weeks...12/30/13: 325mg; fever/flu-like symptoms <1-week...2/10/17: 300mg; no significant changes noted. 

 

Discontinued:

Omeprazole: 09/2103 40mg...5/1/14: 20mg... 8/21/14 = 0

Wellbutrin: 11/22/13: 300mg – 225mg...12/6/13 delayed reaction- mood swings, weight↓, heart palp/chest pain, alerting...12/14/13: 187mg; physical symptoms↓, neuro emotions ↑, weight stable...12/20/13: 225mg; physical symptoms return, emotions stable <1-week, weight↓...4/21/14: 187mg; weight↑...5/17/14 (neurologist ordered discontinue asap):168mg; headache, mood swings, ↑weight, sleep flux...5/24/14: 150mg; headache, mood swings, ↓cognitive/balance...6/2/14: 112mg; see above, weight stable, <3-weeks... 6/28/14: 100mg; moody...7/25/14: 87.5mg; family troubles... 8/4/14: 75mg; headaches; moody... 8/9/1450mg headaches... 8/12/14: 37.5mg; 8/17/14: 25mg...8/26/14 = 0

Hydroxyzine; 10mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. Mood changes/rage 

Buspirone: 7.5mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. No changes.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

awwww  Amy and Tilly that's so sweet of you! How can one throw an online birthday party? :)

 

I'll turn 38 on Monday 27 th April ;)

 

But given my very limited energy I had to start preparations for marking surviving of 38 years earlier... I can't really say how and if vitamin C is affecting me. If it is, it's nothing dramatic. Plus it's being masked by significant spine issues. I found some 6 years ago that my spine had twisted in all possible ways (also blamed it on depression - no energy, no will to move, not being aware of my body, etc. I've been less active lately again and things got worse. There is a therapist who helped me a lot with manipulation and massage. This time she noticed that my cervical spine has developed issues but it seems she handled it too aggressively and I ended up with massive headaches.

 

That's why I wasn't able to write on your thread Amy although I did quite a bit of catching up. (And Rhi spoke to me in her post to you as well). I just wanted to say that I enjoy as always your writing and its witty self-irony. I understand your difficulties in dealing with so many health issues but your cognitive abilities haven't been diminished. That brilliant mind is still there intact behind whatever debris has accumulated at the moment.

 

hugs

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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Happy birthday, beautiful!  :)

 

I hope that your birthday is as special as you are. Full of everything that brings you joy. Immerse yourself in some nature time & enjoy celebrating the wonderful woman that you are!

 

I wish you every happiness, today and in the future, Bubble. 

 

I will post some footage of my adopted adorable ducklings for you this week, when I am better able to do, so as a belated birthday gift.

 

Love & hugs to you today, as always  :wub:

 

Tilly x

1999 - 2004 Paroxetine 20mg  -> 2004 - 2007 Citalopram 20mg -> 2007 -  short term Trazedone use (insomnia) -> 2007 - 2009 Fluoxetine 20mg  ->

2009 - Jan 2012 Citalopram 20mg  (Spring / Summer 2012 protracted withdrawal & related agoraphobia) -> 2012 - September Restarted Citalopram - unbearable start up effects. Discontinued in under 1 week -> Oct 12 -   October 2014 Escitalopram - 10mg prescribed. Started on 5mg and worked up to 10mg in 2.5mg increments  -> Oct 2014  - 5mg; 30/03/15 2.5mg; 15/04/15 3.5mg; 20/05/15 2.9mg;  19/09/15 2.8mg; 30/10/15 2.7mg; 13/11/15 2.6mg. Holding until March.

Diet:  mostly pescatarianl & lots of veg. Weekly offal for b vitamins.  Turmeric, nigella seeds, avocados, apple cider vinegar, coconut products daily. Lots of fluids: water, lemon juice, coconut water, herbal & green tea (decaffeinated).

Supplements: vitamin C 4000mg, Omega 3 fish oil - high DPA & EHA, vitamin E 400iu, vitamin D3 5000mg (Winter only - from sun in Spring / Summer), probiotics.

Current Symptoms: chronic fatigue, erratic sleep, extreme photophobia, eye floaters, noise sensitivity, tinnitus, cognitive & speech difficulties, dizziness, irregular gait, poor co ordination, severe facial and upper body muscle tension, head and neck pressure.

Coping Strategies: good nutrition, cooking, gardening & growing my own food, cycling, dancing, yoga, photography, sewing & creative pursuits, self massage, pampering, meditation, journalling, nature, cuddling cats & humans, laughter & humour, gratitude, self care, aromatherapy, audio books, word games & believing in myself, my potential and my future.

 

"Everything I need is within me" - Shakti Gawain

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  • 4 months later...

Love you, chick. The ducklings chirp hello!

 

Tillyx

 

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927

1999 - 2004 Paroxetine 20mg  -> 2004 - 2007 Citalopram 20mg -> 2007 -  short term Trazedone use (insomnia) -> 2007 - 2009 Fluoxetine 20mg  ->

2009 - Jan 2012 Citalopram 20mg  (Spring / Summer 2012 protracted withdrawal & related agoraphobia) -> 2012 - September Restarted Citalopram - unbearable start up effects. Discontinued in under 1 week -> Oct 12 -   October 2014 Escitalopram - 10mg prescribed. Started on 5mg and worked up to 10mg in 2.5mg increments  -> Oct 2014  - 5mg; 30/03/15 2.5mg; 15/04/15 3.5mg; 20/05/15 2.9mg;  19/09/15 2.8mg; 30/10/15 2.7mg; 13/11/15 2.6mg. Holding until March.

Diet:  mostly pescatarianl & lots of veg. Weekly offal for b vitamins.  Turmeric, nigella seeds, avocados, apple cider vinegar, coconut products daily. Lots of fluids: water, lemon juice, coconut water, herbal & green tea (decaffeinated).

Supplements: vitamin C 4000mg, Omega 3 fish oil - high DPA & EHA, vitamin E 400iu, vitamin D3 5000mg (Winter only - from sun in Spring / Summer), probiotics.

Current Symptoms: chronic fatigue, erratic sleep, extreme photophobia, eye floaters, noise sensitivity, tinnitus, cognitive & speech difficulties, dizziness, irregular gait, poor co ordination, severe facial and upper body muscle tension, head and neck pressure.

Coping Strategies: good nutrition, cooking, gardening & growing my own food, cycling, dancing, yoga, photography, sewing & creative pursuits, self massage, pampering, meditation, journalling, nature, cuddling cats & humans, laughter & humour, gratitude, self care, aromatherapy, audio books, word games & believing in myself, my potential and my future.

 

"Everything I need is within me" - Shakti Gawain

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Thank you Tilly for reminding me of this beautiful poem, passing on the greetings from the ducklings and unearthing my thread for a long overdue update.

 

May and June were such good months for me that I felt I wasn't even a part of the withdrawing world. I would occasionally come here and read about how everyone is doing but it all seemed distant. I can imagine this is how people who completely recover feel. I was heavily focused on tapering and was doing all sorts of little experiments to try and see if I can speed it up in any way. I was going by 10 % per month which wasn't the case before when I could only go by much less and sometimes just had to hold.

 

I spent a lot of time walking in the nature (of course) and some 10 days on a secluded island where I started feeling better than ever before in my life: all mental agony dissolving and also feeling at peace with myself and the world. Going back to reality felt traumatic. When I was doing so well I started to get preoccupied (again) with the idea of wanting to have a child. So I was thinking I would try and push my taper to at least give it a chance. That led to some more thinking on what to do to try and speed things up. The only idea was to try and exchange dropping the benzo and the AD every 10 days. I even saw some "logic" in that: since they affect different neurological pathways, maybe one would "rest" while working on the other.

 

At the same time I was preparing for a strenuous 3 week study trip across many time zones. So after speeding up on my benzo taper, I made my first AD decrease by less than 4 % some 2 weeks before my big trip which I was looking forward to but also growing increasingly anxious about. Especially when I found out about the schedule of days packed with meetings and weekends travelling again across time zones: 6 hours, then another 3 hours after 5 days, then another 2 hours after 4 days, then 1 hour and then 6 hours again.

 

But what I wanted to describe here is an "experience" I had in the night just before the trip. It was extremely hot, there were lots of things to finish and I noticed that I was getting increasingly irritable. But what happened still felt totally out of the blue: I woke up in the middle of the night and after a while noticed that my mind had gone a kind of blank with thoughts racing rapidly. So rapidly in fact that I wasn't really aware of their content. Just that dark that was engulfing me. Like I was being erased and huge, dark waters rose to cover me into disappearance and oblivion. It triggered a kind of mortal fear and anxiety. I woke up my husband and he later said that he had never seen me so out of myself. (Except maybe for a similar incident 40 days after CT). He reminded me to breathe and I was just thinking: how on Earth will I board the plane for an 8 hour flight when I'm falling apart? It felt like it was the end of me.

 

But I managed to calm down and I went to the airport totally shaken. Is that what people call racing thoughts? (It feels like utterly and completely losing one's mind.) 

 

I've made it once again. I'm not surprised that after all of this I have been in a wave for a month now. But that episode didn't repeat.

 

Regardless, I have a new "plan" or a new level of acceptance. I've been on ADs AND a benzo for over 15 years, I had at least 4 CTs which means that my CNS is severely compromised. My taper will have to be very slow and even my biological determination can't challenge that. Maybe I will still be able to have a child when I'm 40 or 41. If not, we will adopt. But I can't make myself bed ridden.    

 

I found a light box on eBay which should be possible to deliver to my country. Just have to check whether it is ok and then I’ll order it. I also supplied myself with vitamin D and I plan a 3 week trip to a sunny climate in January. Winter, I’m ready ;)

 

All in all, I’m extremely proud of my 0.76 mg (down from 2 mg) and even 4.6 mg of Lexapro down from 5 mg ;) and I travel the world, with difficulty and paying a price, but still...

 

To be continued ;)

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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