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bubble: tapering off Lexapro and Xanax

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bubble

 

Thank you for the compliment, my friend, but I don't have near the hectic schedule you have! Lol! I wouldn't survive what all you're able to manage. 

 

 

I could almost see a smile on your face Shep as you were writing this :) I picture you walking to work during DP/DR as you describe it and I think to myself: I wouldn't be able to survive that!

 

I had to learn to cut myself slack. Lots of slack. Now it seems many years ago but for  along time I would compare myself with others and worrying about my performance. People around me don't know what I'm going through. And for many different reasons I can't tell them. Not yet. My assessment is that it would have more disadvantages than advantages. Since I'm running with people with healthy legs and my leg is broken and they don't know it they would tend to blame me for being slow and unsteady. I would also feel forced to keep up at the expense of my wellbeing. So I'm doing a balancing act here as well. I have learnt to just rest at times when I need it and allow myself to be carried by other people and swim on the waves of my past achievements. I even think that when I shut down and keep to myself I might come across as wise and pensive. If there are no outputs at that time my boss and colleagues might assume that I'm investigating something. So there is a whole, at times very complex, 'art' around my surviving at work.

 

And ensuring downtime is key and a must.

 

I realised that there is a possibility to take a month of unpaid leave and since my husband is working in Asia I'm going there just before Christmas also taking 3 weeks of my annual leave. My boss didn't like it at all but I just decided she will have to live with it. This will make almost 2 months off work, something I haven't had in over 8 years. It's an incredible luxury and I'm just counting days. I will have an opportunity to experience what is WD like when you don't6 have to go to work.

 

 

"And it's often almost impossible to attribute it to that one thing - the taper or work and other life-activities. "

 

I've found that it's not necessary and often counter productive to try and attribute every time I'm feeling bad to a specific cause. It takes a lot of time and energy I would rather put toward quality of life issues. I'm feeling bad in the first place and I have to do XXX to counter it. It doesn't matter if it's because of work, life stress,or such, it's all based on or amplified by WD and it all has to be handled.  Knowing what triggers a reaction is very helpful.  However,constantly analyzing every feeling to get to the root cause is a WD symptom in itself, that is blocking us from getting to over all acceptance.  Which is so important for moving forward.  Also the variety of things we will experience is constantly changing minute by minute (as it also does in normal people, we just micro-focus on it) making daily attributions futile. Making the overall trends of WDnormal the best sign posts we have for recovery.

 

BTW, I'm loving your updates Bubble, and I'm very excited by how you're improving.

 

(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

 

These are very good points Brass and something I'm still learning how to deal with. I suspect this all boils down to my control issues which hinder the acceptance process.

 

But controlling means so much to me :) As you say, if I know that how I'm feeling was caused by X I know I should avoid/minimise/stay away from X. I just feel so much less helpless knowing or thinking I know what is going on. I don't have a sense that it increases my suffering. I feel it's a form of mindfulness by which I acknowledge my symptoms and then accept them and float with them (if that will sound familiar to you :) When the symptoms are particularly brutal it feels like just getting in touch with them more closely gives me the energy required to keep my head above the water and knowing the cause calms me down. I think I don't analyse every feeling. Just those that are so extreme that prevent me from doing anything else.

 

But I will definitely be more mindful about this. There might be a big room for improvement there.

 

Day 18 and things continue to improve on the WD front... Just have to take things slow and easy... 

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Shep
So I'm doing a balancing act here as well. I have learnt to just rest at times when I need it and allow myself to be carried by other people and swim on the waves of my past achievements. I even think that when I shut down and keep to myself I might come across as wise and pensive. If there are no outputs at that time my boss and colleagues might assume that I'm investigating something. So there is a whole, at times very complex, 'art' around my surviving at work.

 

 
 
This is very interesting, Bubble. I'm glad you wrote it out.
 
For the first year and a half I was with my current job, I could barely say more than a sentence at a time. I had only just started that job when I became very symptomatic, so they don't know who I used to be. 
 
My silence was my salvation, in a way. And what you just described is probably what was going on. Well, I'm only a bookkeeper, so being "wise" probably isn't what they thought of me back then. I think they thought I had autism. But they are enlightened enough to realize there is a certain "gift" in that. 
 
Silence is an art form of its own, and during withdrawal, it really can be a life saver.
 
And I also think it's part of the withdrawal "gateway" into mindfulness. We go as silent as monks for long periods of time. 
 
But it also can carry a risk of adding to the exhaustion factor. It is incredibly isolating. So it's good you have this time off coming up and you'll be able to rest up. 
 
Thanks for writing this insightful post. At least you know you have company when it comes to practicing this art form - I'm right there with you. 

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bubble

I've wanted to write an update for months. Very often I write a post in my head but somehow don't get round to actually writing it here.

 

And it's been almost 7 months... Sometimes I feel too good to write and at other times I feel too bad. Overall I'm managing. I resumed with tapering Lexapro in January. I can only handle 2 % cut every 30 days or even longer. It's very frustrating and after almost 4 years I suffer from what, I think Shep called the battle fatigue: sometimes I get so impatient and angry about the whole process and living my life with so much limitations.

 

Then I try to forget about WD and let it fade into the back of my life even as limited as it is.

 

I'm taking 20 % less of Lexapro than 4 years ago and some 70 % less of Xanax. That's not bad. (If I manage to forget that I didn't have to reinstate to 5mg of Lexapro and 2 mg of Xanax after being off for 40 days :(

 

My main symptom at the moment is dreadful fatigue. I feel I could faint at the end of the working day. Since September my sleeping has regulated and I'm very grateful for that. And impressed with myself that I endured 6 months of badly disrupted sleep without doing anything drastic out of despair, just believing the process of healing.

 

The other dominant symptom at this juncture is the feeling of my brain being in overdrive, just speeding and overstimulated. It feels threatening at times. Like I could somehow spin out of control. I'm trying to do as much grounding as I can. I became more diligent with my formal and informal mindfulness practice. The concept of spiral is very useful. It's important to become aware of what's going on and step out and take measures to deal with it. Sometimes it's getting up from the desk, doing a 3 min body scan, switching off in a meeting, taking a day off and isolate completely at weekends.

 

One amazing thing that I've been noticing for the past 2 months is the return (at least partial) of my feelings and sense of conectedness with people and things. It feels like a miracle.Don't even think about whether it came here to stay or not. The fact that it is possible to feel again after everything that has happened and all the damage that felt permanent is just miracle.

 

I used to write poems but for many years now I couldn't write anything because I couldn't feel. I felt dead inside. And then at the end of February I felt such intense emotions while visiting and revisiting my former university, a place of terrible anguish and pain at the time I studied there. Now I could go back to that place and in that time and make peace with it. I felt so stable that even looking at that place of despair didn't make me flinch. I felt the need and I was able to put those emotions into words.

 

There are still many hairy days, every cut is followed by very painful symptoms but I'm making a slow progress.

 

The struggle continues - aluta continua :) (and the phrase ends: the victory is certain :)

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apace41

Good update, Bubble.  It's not all great, but there are a lot of positives to take away.

 

You ARE healing and that is the most important thing of all.

 

Soon it will accelerate.

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Frogie

I've wanted to write an update for months. Very often I write a post in my head but somehow don't get round to actually writing it here.

And it's been almost 7 months... Sometimes I feel too good to write and at other times I feel too bad. Overall I'm managing. I resumed with tapering Lexapro in January. I can only handle 2 % cut every 30 days or even longer. It's very frustrating and after almost 4 years I suffer from what, I think Shep called the battle fatigue: sometimes I get so impatient and angry about the whole process and living my life with so much limitations.

Then I try to forget about WD and let it fade into the back of my life even as limited as it is.

I'm taking 20 % less of Lexapro than 4 years ago and some 70 % less of Xanax. That's not bad. (If I manage to forget that I didn't have to reinstate to 5mg of Lexapro and 2 mg of Xanax after being off for 40 days :(

My main symptom at the moment is dreadful fatigue. I feel I could faint at the end of the working day. Since September my sleeping has regulated and I'm very grateful for that. And impressed with myself that I endured 6 months of badly disrupted sleep without doing anything drastic out of despair, just believing the process of healing.

The other dominant symptom at this juncture is the feeling of my brain being in overdrive, just speeding and overstimulated. It feels threatening at times. Like I could somehow spin out of control. I'm trying to do as much grounding as I can. I became more diligent with my formal and informal mindfulness practice. The concept of spiral is very useful. It's important to become aware of what's going on and step out and take measures to deal with it. Sometimes it's getting up from the desk, doing a 3 min body scan, switching off in a meeting, taking a day off and isolate completely at weekends.

One amazing thing that I've been noticing for the past 2 months is the return (at least partial) of my feelings and sense of conectedness with people and things. It feels like a miracle.Don't even think about whether it came here to stay or not. The fact that it is possible to feel again after everything that has happened and all the damage that felt permanent is just miracle.

I used to write poems but for many years now I couldn't write anything because I couldn't feel. I felt dead inside. And then at the end of February I felt such intense emotions while visiting and revisiting my former university, a place of terrible anguish and pain at the time I studied there. Now I could go back to that place and in that time and make peace with it. I felt so stable that even looking at that place of despair didn't make me flinch. I felt the need and I was able to put those emotions into words.

There are still many hairy days, every cut is followed by very painful symptoms but I'm making a slow progress.

The struggle continues - aluta continua :) (and the phrase ends: the victory is certain :)

bubble:

 

You are an inspiration to me.

 

I'm tapering off Lexapro right now. Lots of nausea and tears.

 

I have no motivation to do anything. I just sit most of the day.

 

After Lexapro, comes Xanax.

 

I know I can do this, it is just so hard some days, I just want to take my 20mg Lexapro, let the meds make me happy and go on with life.

 

But I read stories, and think I've gotten this far, I can make it to the end.

 

Keep your chin up. Your doing great. :)

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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brassmonkey

Hi Bubble-- it sounds like you've had a major rise in your WDnormal level, that's wonderful.  I'm so glad you were able to make peace with an old trouble spot, now it's over and done with and if it ever comes up again you can say "I've made peace with you so there's no need to show yourself any more".  I'm betting that over the next several months you will fine the poetry creeping back into your life.  Very quietly at first, but more and more as time goes on. Congratulations on making such progress in getting your numbers down.  It's a long slog, but as you can see it's starting to pay off big time.

 

((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

 

Brass

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bubble

I really needed this pep talk Andy and Brass! Thanks a lot for taking the time.

 

Andy, I often think how Brass started feeling better as he got lower and further down the path. Maybe it will happen to us and maybe the rest of the taper won't be as difficult and disruptive as it is now. It should happen as we are further away from our benzo tapers...

 

Thank you Frogie. I'm following your story and benefiting from the support Andy provides you. You are getting the hang of things: slow and steady wins the race. I try to focus on how much I have done already (instead of how far we are from 0). I find this change of perspective very helpful. Also I try to distract from symptoms as much as I can by engaging with other aspects of life as much as I can, even when it hurts...

 

Thank you all for your continued support and lots of healing!

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Frogie

bubble:

 

I was just talking to a friend of mine today.

 

I was saying I'm only at 7.9 because of the nausea, I can't move any faster, like some others on here do.

 

She said don't look at it that way, look at how far you have gone, from 20mg to 7.9. You've had some roadblocks, but the nausea is going away. So maybe soon (a month or so after no nausea) it will be a sign you can go down a little (I'm going to start using Brassmonkey's taper), my body can't handle 10% all at once.

 

Then you tell me the same thing.

 

I follow your thread also.

 

The only W/D symptom I have really had is the horrific nausea and now tears out of nowhere. Other than that, nothing. So I guess I'm pretty lucky.

 

We are going to make-just like Andy told me. :)

 

Maybe when I'm done with the Lexapro, you can help me with the Xanax? That would be great.

 

Take care,

Frogie xx

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Newbeginning

I can totally relate to the battle fatigue Bubble. I've been tapering for 3 years and it getting much harder at low doses is really burning me down.

On top of that, for the first time in 3 years my only option to stabilize is to wait it out, and it's taking 4 months so far (and counting). I never thought I would be this unstable at this point of the taper. To make matters worse, depression is one of my withdrawal symptoms, and it has made dealing with this nearly impossible. I've never had as frequent suicidal thoughts in my life as I did the last 6 months. Never been this hopeless and for this long. And I had recurrent depression before experiencing withdrawal-I know depression very well.

 

I definitely think the fact that we're tapering more than one drug makes things harder. Some of us also seem to go through a rougher patch at lower doses.

 

The fact that your feelings have returned is awesome. I can relate to it feeling miraculous. I had a window from the extreme apathy last year. It just happened out of nowhere. I couldn't believe it. It was not perfect, but it gave me a sense of control and hope ad confidence I had not had for years---so miraculous is a good description. It lasted 3 months and when it was over I was devastated. I thought I was on my way to completely recovered and that was not the case :(

 

One last thing. You must have heard this a lot, but the fact that you're working full time in a job that you enjoy rather than one you chose due to low stress is HUGE. Most of us struggling with similar issues are disabled. Many times I think to myself that if I could just keep a job or school while dealing with this, I wouldn't feel like my life is wasted. I'm 70% done with my PhD and will have to quit if I can't improve some from the apathy this year. I am tortured by the prospect of losing everything daily, but my brain has no capacity to process motivation, and I deal with crippling fatigue on top of it. That has been going on for years, and now depression and anxiety came on top of that for the last 6 months.

 

I am starting to practice the mindfulness skills you mentioned: looking at intrusive thoughts and uncomfortable emotions from the outside and just describing what goes on without judging. Hoping over time it will diminish their intensity. and help with anxiety and intrusive neuroemotions.

 

Best to you, and please never forget you are true survivor for making it this long and keeping a good job.

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Shep

I'm taking 20 % less of Lexapro than 4 years ago and some 70 % less of Xanax. That's not bad. (If I manage to forget that I didn't have to reinstate to 5mg of Lexapro and 2 mg of Xanax after being off for 40 days :(

 

 

 

Hi, Bubble. 

 

This is awesome. Getting down to 20% less Lexapro and 70% Xanax after a reinstatement is really incredible. And as others have mentioned, you've stayed in your career and are managing, even though it's a struggle. 

 

For those who are able to do this, once you do get into the healing process, you won't have the hard work of doing a complete re-build and fixing all of the collateral damage and that's really amazing. You do such a wonderful job of bringing in mindfulness throughout the day and taking things as they come. You're an inspiration. 

 

I like what you wrote about getting your emotions back. I get minor glimpses of this now, but it's very muted due to dp/dr. Mindfulness and remembering to breathe are two of the things that help the most. I'm looking for more ways of learning how to cope through this phase of withdrawal. I'm someone who likes to always be in control, so I'm learning to mindfully keep things in perspective. To learn the art of what Mooji calls "Beautiful Detachment". If you can observe thoughts without engaging in them, you can observe emotions without engaging in them. So much of this is triggered by chemical responses. No need to feel threatened. Just take it day by day. And breathe. 

 

 

The struggle continues - aluta continua  :) (and the phrase ends: the victory is certain  :) 

 

 

 

I like this phrase.  :)

 

Sending healing vibes your way. I hope the fatigue lessens and you get a break from your symptoms soon. 

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bubble

I can totally relate to the battle fatigue Bubble. I've been tapering for 3 years and it getting much harder at low doses is really burning me down.

 

Thank you for your feedback. Newbeginning. I wanted to reply to your updates many times but over the last year and a half of this process my energy has been really low. Today is day 11 after the last cut and I've been feeling so wiped out. I got ready to go to work, it was raining heavily. I walked to the train stop, bought the ticket and then just couldn't imagine myself boarding the train, going to work, sitting at my desk for 8 hours and going back. So I turned around and went home. Yesterday I spoke to my therapist about this drive to push myself because it's easier for me to suffer unbearably than to cause waves and inconvenience others, ask for something, be different, not be regular, be needy, be weak.

 

So what is this WD experience teaching me is to let go of pushing against all odds. I'm becoming more and more focused on easing things for myself . I've kept the job not because I'm having an easy time or because my endurance needs to be complimented but because I'm used to treating myself like a step mother. It's time I learn some better self-protection, relying more on others, embracing my vulnerability, embracing that I'm not a successful achiever but not less valuable.

 

I'm making a decision to ask for a sabbatical and go to my husband who is working in Asia at the moment. I have another career in teaching which I left 8 years ago when I started this challenging desk work with lots of travelling and public speaking. Now I'm thinking of trying out teaching again. Maybe I would have more flexibility and when I have serious attention deficit, hyperactivity and lack of focus and concentration it would be easier. And maybe it wouldn't. It's a big decision. Huge. Especially if I don't get the sabbatical.

 

And I don't know if this need for change is a neuroemotion or a legitimate need after 8 years in a draining and very intense job. I also know that changes and WD don't go together but this WD is taking so long and I can't put all of my life on hold any more. Also, I've just turned 40 and I'm thinking why not allowing myself the luxury of being supported by my husband now when I'm so ill and struggling (if it comes to that). This is a bit of an exercise in putting myself first (and second and third and all the places till 10 or further, as far as I need), mindfully feeling my boundaries and asserting them.

 

NB, I sympathise very, very much with your situation. I went through university in WD which I didn't know for what it was. It was horribly painful. I had all the things you mention: anhedonia and apathy, fatigue and brain fog. I  mostly did it because my colleagues carried me. They told me you are smart, you can do it, just come with us. And I did. Also, once you are in a working situation, one can manage with a loss less brain power than we usually think. I have become a master in underachieving. But if you can't do it there is still something we can do: practice acceptance. I'm very happy that you started practicing mindfulness. Are you doing any meditation? Making use of the healing power of nature (just sitting under a tree or by some water can do wonders). Shep and JanCarol are full of ideas of what we can do to help our brain heal (and make this period feel a lot less like a wasted time and more like learning essential skills). Life still has value if we don't work, achieve and produce.If we are not part of the rat race. If we just exist. We cause a lot less pollution and damage to the environment.

 

You have come such a long way. And low doses are hard. Like you say, I also didn't expect that a slow and controlled taper will be this hard (but it is due to so much kindling through CTs). But brain's ability to rebuild itself is amazing. Last year I held for 9 months and it did wonders for me.

 

I've just decided I will hold again because even this small cuts (2.5 %) are wiping me out. The fatigue gets so strong that I feel like I will faint, irritability turns into rage that is so difficult to control. My brain is having a really hard time. I must do all I can to make things easier for it. The belief in the healing process and the neuroplasticity are key. I really hope you see some positive results soon. You deserve it.

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bubble

For those who are able to do this, once you do get into the healing process, you won't have the hard work of doing a complete re-build and fixing all of the collateral damage and that's really amazing. You do such a wonderful job of bringing in mindfulness throughout the day and taking things as they come. You're an inspiration. 

 

I like what you wrote about getting your emotions back. I get minor glimpses of this now, but it's very muted due to dp/dr. Mindfulness and remembering to breathe are two of the things that help the most. I'm looking for more ways of learning how to cope through this phase of withdrawal. I'm someone who likes to always be in control, so I'm learning to mindfully keep things in perspective. To learn the art of what Mooji calls "Beautiful Detachment". If you can observe thoughts without engaging in them, you can observe emotions without engaging in them. So much of this is triggered by chemical responses. No need to feel threatened. Just take it day by day. And breathe. 

 

It's so nice to hear from you dear Shep. I learn a lot from you (and try to apply it in practice as much as I can): mindfulness and breathing. I don't feel so helpless and defenseless, armed with these two tools. And beautiful detachment also :)

 

As I described (at length) in the previous post, there is another important lesson that I have to learn and this is stop pushing myself. I will rebuild my life and fix the collateral damage if it needs be. Healing will mean having more energy to be able to do it. It's not worth the suffering. I'm looking into all the possible ways of easing things for myself.

 

I could get as much sick leave as I needed, even years of it IF I went to psychiatrists and allowed them to label me. But since I can't do that (it's not only that I don't want to but I just can't do it), I'll rather be left to my own devices and not rely on the 'help' from the system. In my country you can get this 'help' if you submit yourself to the power of psychiatrists. If you are out of the system, you are out of the system. At one point I thought it would be unreasonable not to make use of the help that the system offers. But just two conversations with two psychiatrists made me see that I just can't do it.

 

You have so much energy and compassion Shep, even at this stage of your healing. It's great to hear that you also catch glimpses of your emotions. I wish you continued healing and sending big hugs.

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Shep

You have so much wisdom in your last couple of posts, Bubble. Thank you for sharing that with us.

 

I'm sorry your symptoms are so bad you're thinking of going back to your previous career path, but teaching is definitely a nobel path. 

 

You are so incredibly talented and still so young, you'll have plenty of time to deal with whatever collateral damage occurs. And once you're off these drugs and in the healing phase, well, there will be no stopping you. You've already proven you're a warrior. 

 

And you'll be doing it without labels. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

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moodyblues78

Happy to hear from you Bubble.

 

Your dilemma is mine too. Unhappy work situation is very stressful even at times when work is not busy or hard. I suffer from this every day. It drains all my energy. I`m often too tired even to eat when I get home. I see that what I do is not what I want to do and I have no old career to return to. I would have to start all over but I have no energy to even think about what I want to be "when I grow up". All I know it is not this. Or is it just my by poor old tired brain pulling tricks on me?

 

Every day is a Frodo's journey through middle earth. I try to stop when ever I notice a moment I can appreciate. Something that brings back memories from when I was "normal". I cling to those emotions these moments bring from the past and I try to gather them one by one until my life consists mostly of these emotions. I build my own peace of mind little by little. 

 

You are more brave than you realize and I shake my head in disbelieve when I she all the things that you can do regardless of your very hard struggle with tapering. You can make plans for the future. That is a huge thing. I raise my hat. Bravo. I`ve been off meds for over 2 years and I still feel I`m behind you.

 

I know this path we are on makes us often behave like total ******* and feel like this will never end and we are doomed to fail but you should still feel proud that you can be what you are. So many are doing much worse and give up.

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Blondiee1915

Hi bubble, I was searching fatigue on SA and your thread came up . I still have to read your whole story but your last entries really caught my attention . Making things easy for yourself and looking for the ways to do it, that is also on my mind lately . it is so hard making it through the day with intense fatigue and yes I also feel like I might faint bc I am so exhausted it is terrible . It is a long and tough journey for sure . Hope you are doing okay

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bubble

Shep and Moody, I was a bit embarrassed with all the compliments (have hard time with dealing with those :) but I could say the exact same thing for the two of you. Your journey inspires me.

 

It inspires me so much that I've been pushing through with the blood pressure of 80/60 for a few days (only went to my GP today who was surprised that I was complaining only of headache and not dizziness, brain fog and other head stuff. That's only because like most of us here I've lived with these kind of symptoms for decades and don't bother mentioning them to my GP).

 

My plan is more in the sense of looking for a quiet place where I can curl up in pain and be left to myself to heal (but also have some work to do). Like most of us here I would benefit most from a 4 hour day and/or work from home. But that is not possible. I also fear this will get worse before it gets better...

 

Blondie, I'm following your journey and can relate to a lot of what you are going through. Since I'm in my 4th year of taper I can see my symptoms and the baseline changing and varying. This kind of fatigue and particularly its intensity came into play when I started tapering Lexapro. I simply find rest the best remedy. Our brains are using lots of energy for rewiring and we need to find ways to give it a rest. It's very, very challenging because the kind of rest that satisfies an average person doesn't even come close to it... I'm just awaiting Ubiquinol I ordered from iHerb (after I read Petunia was giving it a try and one article that said ADs deplete our brains of this stuff which plays an important role in the energy production...)

 

I don't know what I will do about this low BP, headache and total unwellness resulting from it (especially if it continues).This is something new. Practice more acceptance, for sure. I got 3 days off, mental symptoms are low, I have motivation, I want to do things but find it difficult to leave the bed. That WD is really something...

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Blondiee1915

All of us long term lexapro users have very similar symptoms that is for sure.  I agree the fatigue is not something an average person can sleep off and feel better.  All day on the sofa today barely moving. Wow 4 years, that is impressive.  You are amazing for staying strong and determined.  Thank you for inspiring me.  Glad you got a few days off.  And yes this WD is something for sure.   I think that sometimes it is okay to be not strong and curl up and let it out and just be.  

 

I also have low blood pressure, last time it was 86/50 something.  I spoke to my doctor about it and was told to drink plenty of water, no coffee and increase salt intake.  I get these salty peanuts from trader joe's and I snack on them.  They are pretty good and I get my protein and salt that way.  Some dark organic chocolate in small amounts is good too.   

 

Bubble, I see you are taking vitamin C.  Do you take it in a simple pill form?  I read about vitamins in general and how our bodies might not absorb them if they are in synthetic form.  I was thinking of starting taking vitamin C but in powder form - lipospheric form which is claimed to be absorbed by the body better.  

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bubble

Thank you Blondie. Got the same advice: salty and water. After seeing I won't be able to make it to work today I went to bed and fell asleep till noon. I was so happy my poor brain got that treat. Hope to drag myself to nature tomorrow.

 

I'm not taking vit C at the moment. At one point some members were reporting success of high doses on combating anxiety. I believe their absorbtion in the synthetic form is not that good so I looked at some that come with bioflavonoids.

 

I ran out of L Theanine which I was also taking for quite some time for anxiety. I also haven't been taking my fish oil lately. I can't say I noticed much effect of supplements, one way or other. And there are so many things to pay attention too that sometimes I just slack in my self care: eating, exercising, meditation, supplements, nature...just surviving at work.

 

I got a bit worried about this low BP reading although at the same time strangely relieved that there is something objective and measurable behind my malaise. It's also comforting to hear you've lived with the same. I just have to get used to it...

 

I very much appreciate your permission to just curl up, not be strong, let it out and just be. Very good! Will do exactly that (at least for a while :)

 

I hope you can do the same.

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chia1214
17 hours ago, bubble said:

This is so beautiful to read Chia! Thank you for coming back to update!

 

We live off stories from the other side like this :) As someone who is still working on 2 drugs (and looking into years of tapering), I'm particularly amazed that the anxiety disappeared as you stopped your benzo.

 

Wishing you continued healing.

 

Hi bubble!

 

Thanks for visiting my thread and for your kind words. Yes, we do live off stories of hope, don't we?! I did and I still do. It really was amazing how the anxiety left after the benzo left. Fits the description of a rebound effect or paradoxical effect from what I've read. I'm just glad it's gone, blech! 

 

I don't really feel like someone on the other side in this this forum, though I know what you're referring to. I will always feel linked up to my comrades here. We heal differently. I'm the newbie in a Lymes Disease forum now, haha! We think we're going to be on easy street someday, but who ever told us to chase that as a goal?? Let adversity challenge me to greater heights I say!!

 

I wish you peace and healing too.

 

Warmly,

Chia

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bubble
On ‎09‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 1:40 PM, chia1214 said:

 

 We think we're going to be on easy street someday, but who ever told us to chase that as a goal?? Let adversity challenge me to greater heights I say!!

 

Thank you very much for visiting Chia, unearthing my thread for a long overdue update and leaving such gems to think about. Such beautiful thoughts!

 

Life would be a lot easier for all of us if/when we manage to let go off our expectations of what life should be like and chasing that easy street as you say... But it takes practice, lots of practice and patiently learning from this adversity teacher here..

 

I will start my update with a little story I found on fb the other day.

 

Apparently if you put a frog in the water and boil the water, the frog will adjust its body temperature and be able to sustain some pretty high temperature before it finally gets too hot for it and it decides to jump out.

 

But it may so happen that the frog who kept adjusting its body temperature to the boiling water has no energy left to jump out when the heat gets too high.

Then it is killed by its own decision to put up with a bad situation and trying to adjust to it. It is killed by its own inability to decide on when it was the right time to jump out...

 

This little story spoke to me and it spoke even louder when I read a few of my lasts posts back from May. There were full of me bracing up for a big change: moving over with my husband to Asia, leaving my job, leaving the rat race, simplifying my life further to the level where I can possibly feel comfortable living it with my injured nervous system while I'm just about to mark 4 years of starting my final battle with psychotropic drugs. (and being half way there only!)

 

And here I am 4 months later and everything is still the same and this frog continued adjusting herself to ever rising heat of the demands of everyday life so much that it now has no energy for that life-saving jump. I have a new date: the first half of December but if the things get too tough, even sooner. If you need an example of very poor decision making, look no further.

 

Can I say that all this vacillating is a WD symptom? Maybe. But whatever it is, I obviously have to find a way of dealing with it.

 

Instead of planning my escape into a simpler life, I had expanded my meager energy into working on a very taxing project. Now would be the moment to stop self-flagellation and feel some pride at completing it with flying colours and receiving loads of compliments which made me sad because they were a sign I went above and beyond the call of duty again at the expense of my own inner resources, again. But on the other hand, I should again feel glad that I had mental clarity, focus and endurance to complete 150 pages of a report of high quality. It will financially cushion my transition into the new life and possibly open up some further business opportunities which I will maybe be able to take up and engage with at my leisure and my pace. 

 

So the fact that I was able to pull that off was a major sign of improvement and revival of my cognitive functions as well as some emotional clarity. A considerable amount if it.

 

The problem is I just couldn't get enough of the good stuff, I couldn't stop myself. I enjoyed that sense of feeling and seeing things clearly, of having some stamina to go after what I believe in, to do things my way.  So I even embarked on a mission to help some unfortunate souls stranded in an institution. And that was way too much, way too soon and resulted in a complete melt down.

 

I'm into my second week off work, feeling so angry and disappointed with myself for causing myself all this unnecessary suffering. But I'm trying to compose some lessons from the whole experience. It was a big lesson on boundaries setting under extreme circumstances when dealing with persons with intellectual disabilities who don't have a sense of the customary level of observing other people's boundaries. They sensed my weakness and went in for a kill. I'm not sure I was able to extract myself from a very dangerous grip but I put my foot down with all my force. And the lesson it taught me was: I won't do what you expect me to do. I won't do what you need me to do. I will only do what I feel comfortable with and when I feel comfortable. 

 

Their sense of urgency caused me to lose that mindful focus on my inner workings and what was comfortable for me and sent me into a very dangerous situation of losing touch with my inner resources and just responding or better to say reacting to the horrible pressure of demands of people who have no sense of respecting other people's boundaries but just go after whatever they are able to get.

 

I'm still not sure how to extricate myself from this deadly grip. For the time being I took some emergency measures, cut all the contact, took time off, completely focussed on self care, mindfulness meditation twice a day, walking in nature, colouring...

 

My sleep has stabilized after a week and I'm not in the state of that dangerous overdrive.

 

With this venture into the real world at a very high level no wonder my tapering has been put on hold. Actually the symptoms after my last cut made me completely unable to deal with the situation. But I can't blame it on the cut. The situation was getting completely out of hand.

 

I'm sad that I wasn't able to demonstrate any sense of moderation and balance. I should've seen that at the best of time, even if I wasn't in WD, I'm not best suited to deal with such people and should opt for some situations where my boundary issues wouldn't be so pronounced. 

 

Now I have al least 7 more days of complete focus on myself. I went to my island, pretty empty now since the season is over. The weather is not the best but I managed to swim for half an hour yesterday and will go for a nice long walk soon.

 

I'm blessed that I am able to take this time for my healing and practicing mindfulness and I hope it gives me clarity of mind necessary to decide on my future steps. To cut myself some slack, these are not the easiest decisions to make for anyone at the best of times...

 

Maybe one day my update will consist of just a short description of my symptoms ;)

 

1 October is the date when 4 years ago I reached these shores. I'm forever grateful for it. After reinstating at needlessly high doses I started my tapering in January 2014 so I still have some months before I draw up the line and see how much I have managed to taper in 4 years. Generally I do my best not to think about a calendar but I'm only human :)

Edited by bubble

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Littlegrandma

Bubble, 

im at a loss for words. 

Ive been reading most of your posts for hours. They're truly inspiring and terrifying all at the same time. 

I wish only the best for you. 

I cant wait to read your success story in the near future. 

You are my hero, 

littlegrandma 

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Shep

Bubble, you never cease to amaze me. Congratulations on finishing the 150 page project and enjoy the rewards that come with it, including this life lesson that you so beautifully articulated. Even the bad stuff - if it brings insight - is a good take-away from withdrawal. As we've chatted about, symptoms are teachers. This whole process is a teacher. If we knew everything ahead of time, what would be the point of it all?

 

You are in the process of learning how to gauge the temperature and not become like the frog in the boiling water.  I just adore that analogy for withdrawal. cc69fb134e.jpeg?v=0

 

I won't post - "Slow down! You must!" Because you are already looking to bring this lesson into your future plans. Mistakes were made, but you turned them into "teachable moments". Thank you for sharing this lesson with us. I will encourage you to put your recovery first. We all must. 

 

This may be what saves you, the poor frog in the boiling water, from a more severe outcome as you continue your taper because you know more now. You can use this knowledge to pave a smoother ride through your taper and recovery. 

 

As Maya Angelou wrote, "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."  ;)

 

Sending healing vibes your way.
 

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DMV64

Wow Bubble. Reading your story was inspiring. I feel you are so courageous. I am trying to adopt your long term vision. A moment at a time.

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bubble
On ‎11‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 8:20 PM, Littlegrandma said:

Bubble, 

im at a loss for words. 

Ive been reading most of your posts for hours. They're truly inspiring and terrifying all at the same time. 

I wish only the best for you. 

I cant wait to read your success story in the near future. 

You are my hero, 

littlegrandma 

 

Dear Littlegrandma, you are my hero if you even attempted reading through my posts! I fear doing it because in addition to stirring up memories, they make for a quite boring reading. I typically don't post when I'm symptomatic. Not intentionally but somehow I have a feeling that writing about my symptoms when they are at their worst would make them even worse. That's why my journal is incomplete. 

 

But one of the coping strategy to survive at work or whenever I'm slammed hard is to write down on a piece of paper how I'm feeling. Sometimes at work it is every 30 mins... I  will try to copy a short version of a day or two....

 

Now is not a good time. I went for my emergency melt down recovery and I'm in my second week. I made perfect conditions for myself: I went to 'my' island, a very small place without cars because you can walk over it in a few days. I'm alone at the house. I get up when I want, I don't have to do anything, go anywhere, talk to people, see people. But I walk every day for 9 kilometers and swim if it isn't raining. I practice all sorts of mindfulness techniques and when I'm out in nature remember to be mindful and take in the good as described in Hardwiring Happiness. I colour. I spend time here. I read Embracing Uncertainty. I fix myself some simple meals. I take lots of pictures of snails, wild goats, cows, horses, sheep, the waves, the clouds, the skies. I pick wild oregano and mint. My idea of paradise. For 5 days. At times, sunbathing on the beach while the waves are rolling pebbles at my feet I experience a deep sense of calm all the way to my core. It's fleeting but it is so very good to know that it can happen, that it is there under this chemical storm.

 

I was making steady progress as I was tuning in with the energy of the place, until yesterday when cortisol just started pumping and no amount of nature exposure and mindful exercises could make any dent in it. It felt so very chemical. But why? So I made a list of 3 things: too much physical activity, a tiny cut in the morning OR period due in 7 days. Some people don't like my tendency to go after the cause (and they are right: regardless of the cause I will have to cope with it).

 

But knowing the cause helps me know what to do. (Usually nothing.) Probably my need to be in control.

 

There were cramps in my belly and that reminded me that every month things get even harder. Now when I'm in such a calm setting where I can feel my baseline the extent of havoc it causes is so obvious: surges of cortisol that the customary coping methods don't touch, painfully low feeling of a sick animal that just wants to curl up and whine silently, irritability that escalates into rage, detachment, hunger and in general feeling of a great storm raging inside me for 7 to 10 days every month. Wellness wrote about I think progesterone withdrawal that basically happens towards the end of the cycle. I definitely have hormonal imbalance. Some 15 years ago I had very elevated Androstenedione (and was miraculously treated by a doctor who didn't think much of the pills of any sorts so we were in agreement - there was no treatment.) I've been reading on how to balance your hormones naturally and it's the usual stuff: clean eating, rest, exercise, avoid stress (in particular the stress of WD :)

 

I'm usually so preoccupied with just surviving that I rarely have this chance of focusing on myself and looking into and whine about matters such as horrible PMS. So this is a particular pampering time for me :)

 

Dear Shep, I will so depend on this: 

On ‎11‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 9:02 PM, Shep said:

I will encourage you to put your recovery first. We all must. 

 

 

It means the world to me and I can't thank you enough and everybody else on this journey.

 

On ‎11‎/‎09‎/‎2017 at 9:23 PM, DMV64 said:

Wow Bubble. Reading your story was inspiring. I feel you are so courageous. I am trying to adopt your long term vision. A moment at a time.

Thank you for stopping by DMV. We all find courage that we never new we had. Every single person who comes here (you are not an exception :) is so very courageous...

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JS11

Bubble your words are so very far from boring.  I'm with LIttle Grandma. Kudos to you.

 

take care,

JS

 

 

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Scorpio
On 10/09/2017 at 11:53 AM, bubble said:

 

Thank you very much for visiting Chia, unearthing my thread for a long overdue update and leaving such gems to think about. Such beautiful thoughts!

 

Life would be a lot easier for all of us if/when we manage to let go off our expectations of what life should be like and chasing that easy street as you say... But it takes practice, lots of practice and patiently learning from this adversity teacher here..

 

I will start my update with a little story I found on fb the other day.

 

Apparently if you put a frog in the water and boil the water, the frog will adjust its body temperature and be able to sustain some pretty high temperature before it finally gets too hot for it and it decides to jump out.

 

But it may so happen that the frog who kept adjusting its body temperature to the boiling water has no energy left to jump out when the heat gets too high.

Then it is killed by its own decision to put up with a bad situation and trying to adjust to it. It is killed by its own inability to decide on when it was the right time to jump out...

 

This little story spoke to me and it spoke even louder when I read a few of my lasts posts back from May. There were full of me bracing up for a big change: moving over with my husband to Asia, leaving my job, leaving the rat race, simplifying my life further to the level where I can possibly feel comfortable living it with my injured nervous system while I'm just about to mark 4 years of starting my final battle with psychotropic drugs. (and being half way there only!)

 

And here I am 4 months later and everything is still the same and this frog continued adjusting herself to ever rising heat of the demands of everyday life so much that it now has no energy for that life-saving jump. I have a new date: the first half of December but if the things get too tough, even sooner. If you need an example of very poor decision making, look no further.

 

Can I say that all this vacillating is a WD symptom? Maybe. But whatever it is, I obviously have to find a way of dealing with it.

 

Instead of planning my escape into a simpler life, I had expanded my meager energy into working on a very taxing project. Now would be the moment to stop self-flagellation and feel some pride at completing it with flying colours and receiving loads of compliments which made me sad because they were a sign I went above and beyond the call of duty again at the expense of my own inner resources, again. But on the other hand, I should again feel glad that I had mental clarity, focus and endurance to complete 150 pages of a report of high quality. It will financially cushion my transition into the new life and possibly open up some further business opportunities which I will maybe be able to take up and engage with at my leisure and my pace. 

 

So the fact that I was able to pull that off was a major sign of improvement and revival of my cognitive functions as well as some emotional clarity. A considerable amount if it.

 

The problem is I just couldn't get enough of the good stuff, I couldn't stop myself. I enjoyed that sense of feeling and seeing things clearly, of having some stamina to go after what I believe in, to do things my way.  So I even embarked on a mission to help some unfortunate souls stranded in an institution. And that was way too much, way too soon and resulted in a complete melt down.

 

I'm into my second week off work, feeling so angry and disappointed with myself for causing myself all this unnecessary suffering. But I'm trying to compose some lessons from the whole experience. It was a big lesson on boundaries setting under extreme circumstances when dealing with persons with intellectual disabilities who don't have a sense of the customary level of observing other people's boundaries. They sensed my weakness and went in for a kill. I'm not sure I was able to extract myself from a very dangerous grip but I put my foot down with all my force. And the lesson it taught me was: I won't do what you expect me to do. I won't do what you need me to do. I will only do what I feel comfortable with and when I feel comfortable. 

 

Their sense of urgency caused me to lose that mindful focus on my inner workings and what was comfortable for me and sent me into a very dangerous situation of losing touch with my inner resources and just responding or better to say reacting to the horrible pressure of demands of people who have no sense of respecting other people's boundaries but just go after whatever they are able to get.

 

I'm still not sure how to extricate myself from this deadly grip. For the time being I took some emergency measures, cut all the contact, took time off, completely focussed on self care, mindfulness meditation twice a day, walking in nature, colouring...

 

My sleep has stabilized after a week and I'm not in the state of that dangerous overdrive.

 

With this venture into the real world at a very high level no wonder my tapering has been put on hold. Actually the symptoms after my last cut made me completely unable to deal with the situation. But I can't blame it on the cut. The situation was getting completely out of hand.

 

I'm sad that I wasn't able to demonstrate any sense of moderation and balance. I should've seen that at the best of time, even if I wasn't in WD, I'm not best suited to deal with such people and should opt for some situations where my boundary issues wouldn't be so pronounced. 

 

Now I have al least 7 more days of complete focus on myself. I went to my island, pretty empty now since the season is over. The weather is not the best but I managed to swim for half an hour yesterday and will go for a nice long walk soon.

 

I'm blessed that I am able to take this time for my healing and practicing mindfulness and I hope it gives me clarity of mind necessary to decide on my future steps. To cut myself some slack, these are not the easiest decisions to make for anyone at the best of times...

 

Maybe one day my update will consist of just a short description of my symptoms ;)

 

1 October is the date when 4 years ago I reached these shores. I'm forever grateful for it. After reinstating at needlessly high doses I started my tapering in January 2014 so I still have some months before I draw up the line and see how much I have managed to taper in 4 years. Generally I do my best not to think about a calendar but I'm only human :)

Hi bubble 

having just read this I am in awe of all you have achieved and the amazing strength you continuously find. You suffer as badly as any of us but you write so eloquently about how you try to cope and still manage to give the rest of us sufferers such support. -  thank you. 

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bubble

Just going to note something down. I rarely or not often enough make notes of my waves. I'm usually like I sick animal: just curl up and retreat and nurse my hurt. I don't feel like writing about it. But this is one nice 'wave' that's been going for a month now and is marked by a kind of mental nausea, miserable painful feeling in the psyche that is hard to describe. 

 

I just had to note this difference between having my emotions restored since February and feeling so alive (for a few months). And feeling quite strong and above all motivated. Like I got this wish to do things but no energy to actually do it and in particular no stamina to sustain the effort. And now the switch has been turned off and I  find myself in low mood, no energy and motivation and walking around with this painful emptiness remembering the things I wanted to do and things that I was looking forward to and that made me happy. Now just the thought of them makes me mentally sick and causes this painful feeling of disconnection and allienation.

It's such a stark, dramatic and sudden difference to how I was just 2 or 3 weeks ago: in overdrive and struggling badly with focus and fatigue. Now I'm not so desperately tired, I have more focus and concentration although I have no motivation but do things like on an auto pilot or pushing myself around in wheelchair for brain. I definitely have more humility and less arrogance. I don't want change and don't think about how it would help me, how not sitting at the office and being free, following my own schedule and doing things I enjoy would be good for me. Now I don t have my own schedule and don't have things to enjoy so need someone else's schedule and something to fill my emptiness. For months i was recording how much longer I had to endure at work before I can go home and rest. Now I'm not interested in the passage of time. Being off work would bring me time to rest which I desperately needed and wanted and now it brings me more emptiness. But it is still good to lie down and rest and sleep and meditate and allow myself to feel all I feel and not hide it and control it and distract from it and fake it that I'm here when I don't feel I am.

I even have a journal of my states from Saturday: 10 am - everything is hard, just lying in the bed in the sun, no energy to move, resting this malaise, being swept and hit with its waves

3.50 pm made myself got to the forest but this painful mixture of anxiety and low and lost feeling followed me there. But just pushed through. Taking pics of nature

4.50 pm taking pics of flowers, cramp and injured feeling releasing

This anxiety now might be the result of a cut of 8 days ago.

7pm we got home, had dinner, went to bad and felt calmer

Anxiety ramped up to 7-8/10.

Bath, 9.20 pm calmer but hard to do anything, no motivation

Edited by bubble

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Scorpio
2 hours ago, bubble said:

Just going to note something down. I rarely or not often enough make notes of my waves. I'm usually like I sick animal: just curl up and retreat and nurse my hurt. I don't feel like writing about it. But this is one nice 'wave' that's been going for a month now and is marked by a kind of mental nausea, miserable painful feeling in the psyche that is hard to describe. 

 

I just had to note this difference between having my emotions restored since February and feeling so alive (for a few months). And feeling quite strong and above all motivated. Like I got this wish to do things but no energy to actually do it and in particular no stamina to sustain the effort. And now the switch has been turned off and I  find myself in low mood, no energy and motivation and walking around with this painful emptiness remembering the things I wanted to do and things that I was looking forward to and that made me happy. Now just the thought of them makes me mentally sick and causes this painful feeling of disconnection and allienation.

It's such a stark, dramatic and sudden difference to how I was just 2 or 3 weeks ago: in overdrive and struggling badly with focus and fatigue. Now I'm not so desperately tired, I have more focus and concentration although I have no motivation but do things like on an auto pilot or pushing myself around in wheelchair for brain. I definitely have more humility and less arrogance. I don't want change and don't think about how it would help me, how not sitting at the office and being free, following my own schedule and doing things I enjoy would be good for me. Now I don t have my own schedule and don't have things to enjoy so need someone else's schedule and something to fill my emptiness. For months i was recording how much longer I had to endure at work before I can go home and rest. Now I'm not interested in the passage of time. Being off work would bring me time to rest which I desperately needed and wanted and now it brings me more emptiness. But it is still good to lie down and rest and sleep and meditate and allow myself to feel all I feel and not hide it and control it and distract from it and fake it that I'm here when I don't feel I am.

I even have a journal of my states from Saturday: 10 am - everything is hard, just lying in the bed in the sun, no energy to move, resting this malaise, being swept and hit with its waves

3.50 pm made myself got to the forest but this painful mixture of anxiety and low and lost feeling followed me there. But just pushed through. Taking pics of nature

4.50 pm taking pics of flowers, cramp and injured feeling releasing

This anxiety now might be the result of a cut of 8 days ago.

7pm we got home, had dinner, went to bad and felt calmer

Anxiety ramped up to 7-8/10.

Bath, 9.20 pm calmer but hard to do anything, no motivation

Hi bubble

you write about your situation so well and I feel for you but as you say to me this bleak place you find yourself in is just a moment and as you say you cut your dose.  Now your brain needs to stabilise again. Then you will return to a brighter better state in the meantime, as you say to us, be kind to yourself, keep taking pictures, sit by your lovely stream and gather your energy for when brighter days come back soon.

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bubble

That's very nice of you Scorpio :) Now you know I know what I'm talking about :)

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Littlegrandma

Bubble, I'm hoping today finds you in a better place. I'm sorry. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and can , of course, empathize. I really have no words. Just sadness and the hope you'll be feeling good again soon.    Lg

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bubble

Thanks for stopping by Littlegrandma.

 

I'm actually not complaining. Things are good and there are good things in every bad period.

 

There is this quote from Good Will Hunting: You will have bad times but it'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to. 

 

I slowed down enough to appreciate lying in the bed flooded by the warm autumn sun. I was blessed to spend three hours in a forest in a harmonious company of my dear younger brother and his two dogs. I was mindful enough to notice and savour the beauty of the nature around me in the play of the sun and shade on ferns, leaves and mushrooms. I admired the patterns which emerged from a close scrutiny of small wild flowers which revealed all their beauty through the camera lenses. It was a good day. Very good day.

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Littlegrandma

I am so glad Bubble. Sounds wonderful. Love your attitude. 

I hope you're writing a book.   Lg

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Shep
4 hours ago, bubble said:

I slowed down enough to appreciate lying in the bed flooded by the warm autumn sun. I was blessed to spend three hours in a forest in a harmonious company of my dear younger brother and his two dogs. I was mindful enough to notice and savour the beauty of the nature around me in the play of the sun and shade on ferns, leaves and mushrooms. I admired the patterns which emerged from a close scrutiny of small wild flowers which revealed all their beauty through the camera lenses. It was a good day. Very good day.

 

Beautiful and poetic. As LIttlegrandma wrote, I hope you're writing a book, too. You have a way with poetry and I enjoy reading and exploring how you see the world during withdrawal and beyond. 

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Blondiee1915

Hi bubble - 

 

I wanted to thank you for stopping by my thread earlier.  And I wanted to let you know that I can't get that frog out of my head!  Every time I push myself to do things and be productive I keep thinking about this little frog and not making it :| 

 

Other things you mentioned in your earlier post about enduring the time at work and waiting to go home so you could rest, this is me pretty much every day at work.  I try to not let the time worry me and just accept it but when fatigue hits in (which is pretty often in my case) I cannot help it.  Sometimes it is more bearable and when I am busy it goes by quickly which I am thankful for.  I am practicing gratitude and being in the moment, but it is tough 

 

It is great about the forest and being out there observing and enjoying nature.  I truly believe nature can heal us.  This might sound strange, but I was in Europe few years back and was on this tour around this little village and they had this huge tree.  It was claimed that if you come near it and hug it and just stand there it can heal you.  I remember standing there next to this huge tree and hugging it.  Even though it might be just a myth but for some reason it felt peaceful and nurturing (even being on 20 mg of lexapro at the time, hello numbness) 

 

Hope you are having a better week bubble.  I continue to follow your story and get inspiration for my own recovery.  Your writing is beautiful 

 

B.

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nz11

Hi bubble i know you have a big day ahead tomorrow just wanted to stop by and wish you all the best and a fast and full recovery. You are going to be fine.

Catch up with you again next week.

Sending you healing vibes

thinking of you

nz11

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Scorpio

Hi bubble 

having just seen the post from nz I wish you well and hope you have a speedy recovery from whatever you are going through. 

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