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bubble: tapering off Lexapro and Xanax

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bubble   
bubble

I'm sorry for not replying everyone. My 'wave' that started in September just deepened two weeks ago and on Monday reached new depths not experienced for 2 years. Luckily I don't despair too often and I don't feel hopeless. But this time I did/I am just because of the extent to which I have been wiped up, not been able to see or feel the world around me or within me. Like looking at the remains of a nuclear disaster, hardly recognizing remains of the things I normally like, care about, hope for and believe in. Everywhere I look around me and within me just stumps and strange forms covered in ashes that feel me with deep mental disgust and a profound sense of alienation. 

 

I just couldn't believe it that it could all be caused by a local anesthetic for a dental intervention (as I now found containing epinephrine/adrenalin. Although my dentist claims in a negligent amount (enough to make me numb and not feel the pain of a badly inflamed nerve :( and claiming it doesn't 'get in the body' - whatever he means by that...)

 

Here is a copy of the log from one of the days preceding me for my record:

 

Friday: Woke up feeling agitated and restless, overactivated, calm meditation relaxed me a lot

8 ran to the train to work, great inner restlessness

10.20 at an event at the library, feeling unstable, like a bubble about to burst, pain in lower abdomen

Adh, hard to focus and concentrate although I don't have to do anything. Just sit and try to pay attention. But even that is horribly hard.

11.20 complete lack of mental energy, even for planning an escape or something that could possibly make me feel better

12 very sleepy

1 painfully empty feeling like a fish out of water

4.50 on the train back, very tired and sleepy, inner restlessness, can t focus or concentrate

 

Saturday - inner restlessness and agitation the whole day

4.20 jumping out of my skin, very unstable, scared

5 picking rosehip, warm and sunny, but i m in my own agitated hell

9.24 a bit clearer, was very confused, scared, out of body, like floating through thick anxiety, detached. Very low, sad, fragile, crying. But just going with the program...

 

Sunday - high anxiety and detached feeling continue and nothing can touch them - meditation, gentle walks in nature, lying in the sun on the grass - the inner horror and pain remain untouched

 

Monday - 1.40 gusts of suffocating emptiness and mental nausea, people and things look unreal, out of body sensation, can't feel happiness or enthusiasm, operate like an automaton, want to hide, scared, Can't think of what would make me happy

2.15 i feel like i m disintegrating, horribly scared. The center cannot hold. Panic attack

Don't know why. Can't imagine myself going on and have to board a plane and leave the country for 2 days... i want to run home and hide.

 

But I go on. Board the plan and all, take part in events although at times I can hardly speak. There are moments of clarity when the horrible confusion abates, like a cramp leaving a wounded and sore calm. 

 

My inner narrative which tells me to endure and to feel hopeful and in control in my tiny little world is punctured. I can't tell myself stories of calm and self-soothing.

 

There will be some good and some lessons learnt from this. But not now, not at the moment.

 

There is a great video I cam across where a psychiatrist is beautifully explaining Claire Weekes' notion of floating through a panic level anxiety:

 

 

And there is a poem I wrote to console myself: 

 

Consolation of the passing leaves

 

I m trying to steady myself
Clutching at the leaves of grass

Meadows are resting in the sun
Peacefully echoing with the last of chirping
Some last minute arrangements
Coming from the bushes
Before they leave us
To the misery and cold of gloomy days
Now the sky is bright
And rosehip glowing
Well protected by thorns

Can you help me meadow?
Or you birds?
Can you sooth me?
And take away this anguish?
I come every day
I m your creature
And I'm in pain


It will pass.
Let the sun rest on your face
And before you know it
It will pass
Like the flowers that were here this spring
These golden leaves will pass too
Just endure
And you will be blessed with their return
And so will peace be restored to you.

 

Edited by bubble

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Scorpio   
Scorpio

Hi bubble 

im so sorry you are in such a bad wave with all these horrible symptoms. Something that is meant to help with pain shouldn’t trigger it is so cruel. I wish you better and a window to open for you very soon. Hang on, minute by minute, hour by hour, it will get better. 

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baroquep   
baroquep

Hi Bubble, I am so sorry to hear you are in such an awful wave.  Sending healing thoughts that peacefulness will return to you soon.  You are a true warrior and will get through this challenging time all the stronger for it.  Hugs 🤗  

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DMV64   
DMV64

Hi Bubble,

I am reading about your wave and hoping you feel better soon! <3

-D

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Shep   
Shep
1 hour ago, bubble said:

I just couldn't believe it that it could all be caused by a local anesthetic for a dental intervention (as I now found containing epinephrine/adrenalin. Although my dentist claims in a negligent amount (enough to make me numb and not feel the pain of a badly inflamed nerve :( and claiming it doesn't 'get in the body' - whatever he means by that...)

 

Oh Bubble, I'm sorry to hear about your wave and the dental work. 

 

I am extremely sensitive to Novocaine (epinephrine)  and your dentist is so wrong about it. There are online articles about the problems associated with it for people who have blood pressure issues, as just one example, and I'm sure there are more articles on PubMed related to other conditions (if you need anything scientific to take to your dentist):

 

Cardiovascular Effects of Epinephrine in Hypertensive Dental Patients: Summary

 

I used to be able to tolerate  epinephrine before withdrawal, but now I have to have Carbocaine instead. I don't know if that's an option for you in the future, but wanted to share that with you. I've had a crown and several fillings replaced in the past two years (they fell out during my cold turkey / rapid tapers). I haven't had any problems with Carbocaine. It wears off faster than epinephrine, but my dentist simply gives me another injection of Carbocaine and he continues working. So far, my waves after dental work have been minimal. 

 

I think there are even more alternatives to epinephrine than Carbocaine, so it's definitely something worth researching for any future work. 

 

 

1 hour ago, bubble said:

It will pass.
Let the sun rest on your face
And before you know it
It will pass
Like the flowers that were here this spring
These golden leaves will pass too
Just endure
And you will be blessed with their return
And so will peace be restored to you.

 

Wow, this is incredibly beautiful, Bubble. I hope you write a book of poetry. This really made me feel better and relax just reading it. :)

 

I hope you feel better soon. 

 

 

 

Edited by Shep

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Blondiee1915   
Blondiee1915

Hi bubble, so sorry about your wave.  You are such a strong individual I am certain you will overcome this and this dreadful wave eventually will lift .  

 

I am currently at work but will write more later tonight .  

 

Lots of hugs

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apace41   
apace41

Bubble, 

 

I'm over here "waving" at you from my wave.  I hope we both feel better soon.  This process sucks!

 

Best,

 

Andy

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Quest   
Quest

So sorry you are feeling badly.  Much healing to you~

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Littlegrandma   
Littlegrandma

Oh Bubble, so sorry you are feeling so bad. Sending you healing and peaceful thoughts......lg

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wantrelief   
wantrelief

Thank you for sharing how you have been feeling.  You are such a brave, strong person and an inspiration to all of us here.

 

Will be thinking about you. 

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Flowers   
Flowers

Bubble - so sorry you are suffering badly after dental work.

 

The poem is beautiful.

 

Get well soon.

 

Love from Flowers xxx

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bubble   
bubble

1 October was actually my 4th anniversary of finding SA.

 

I'm not doing particularly well at the receiving end of support and it's easier for me to give than receive (and I'm far from proud of that). But it takes practice and I was deeply moved by all your support. It exemplified in the best possible way how much this board has meant to me over the years after spending over 15 years on my own dealing with numerous withdrawals and not knowing what was happening, totally alone and isolated.

  

13 hours ago, Scorpio said:

Hang on, minute by minute, hour by hour, it will get better

I know things are very hard for you Scorpio but you have developed some great strategies of how to cope with our situation and a great attitude. Although I often write these very same words to others, when it comes to my own battle, I often forget them. This was so very helpful! So simple and so powerful: I just have to focus on minutes and hours  and not fear the overall picture... Thank you very much for offering support.

 

12 hours ago, baroquep said:

will get through this challenging time all the stronger for it

Thank you so much for reminding me of this Baroquep. You are a great example of how the period of suffering can be transformed into a period of learning and growing in strength and wisdom of acceptance. I enjoy reading your messages of support and encouraging across over the board and find them very helpful myself.

 

12 hours ago, DMV64 said:

I am reading about your wave and hoping you feel better soon! <3

Thank you for stopping by DMV. I'm happy to see you are beginning to settle among us and gaining support and information for your journey towards healing.

 

12 hours ago, Shep said:

your dentist is so wrong about it.

Thank you dear Shep. I just didn't do the research before I went although I was well aware of the risks. The dentist will do what I say. It was just the first of 3 visits (and I'm afraid the same procedure will have to be repeated for yet another tooth). I didn't say that I'm taking these drugs (I still feel very uncomfortable doing it, which is stupid :( But I don't think saying I'm withdrawing from a benzo and an SSRI would make any difference except extend to me all the prejudice that come with the label and discredit me and lead to dismissal of my claims as it happens with 'psychiatric patients'. The interesting thing was that he tried to persuade me why reaction was caused by my fear of the dentists. He tried to explain it to me that I produced much more adrenalin in my body just approaching the practice than it  was contained in the local anesthetic (that even without revealing myself as a person obviously 'suffering with nerves'). We however agreed that he will use that 'less efficient' version next time.

 

13 hours ago, Shep said:

I hope you write a book of poetry.

Honestly Shep my healing will be best measured as my ability to write (including bad poetry :) I would so much like to do it. It meant so much to me before the drugs came and turned me into an insensitive and unfeeling zombie. So the fact that I was actually able to write that shows that my baseline has improved. This is exactly how my nature/poetry feeling used to work: I was always turning to nature for healing and soothing and then connect my inner states with the mindful observation of the states of nature. That used to be my mindfulness practice well before I heard about the trem.

 

13 hours ago, Blondiee1915 said:

Hi bubble, so sorry about your wave.  You are such a strong individual I am certain you will overcome this and this dreadful wave eventually will lift .  

Thank you so much Blondie. You can understand what it is like to go though all this and be at work (or know you have to go to work and do things like going to a marathon with a smashed leg..) Honestly, I just can't hear it enough that it will pass and it will lift. And as you know, every time is like the first time so it is just so helpful to be reminded that it ends.

 

13 hours ago, apace41 said:

I'm over here "waving" at you from my wave.  I hope we both feel better soon.  This process sucks!

I follow your journey and I really hope we both feel better soon! I like it when you say that it sucks because it really, really does :) It's so long and it's so painful and all we have is feeling bad and feeling even worse. And just shrinking our world and our activity and then when we think we can't shrink it any more or any further, we are just forcefully pushed to even less ground. So it's good to let this frustration out!

 

13 hours ago, Quest said:

So sorry you are feeling badly.  Much healing to you

12 hours ago, Littlegrandma said:

Oh Bubble, so sorry you are feeling so bad. Sending you healing and peaceful thoughts......lg

I know how badly you are struggling. And I wonder how it feels for you to see that others are struggling too (even those people who advise you and support you). It's such a beautiful platform here which allows us to hurt (and be needy) and at the same time support others. No matter how hard things are for any of us we are a reminder to each other that we can and will endure.

 

12 hours ago, wantrelief said:

Thank you for sharing how you have been feeling.  You are such a brave, strong person and an inspiration to all of us here.

 

 

Thank you for stopping by with such nice message. As you can imagine, I don't feel brave or strong or inspiring. I want to hide like a mouse, I want to cry and be helpless and I think it is very important to let myself go through this. I feel very blessed that I was able to cry and despair in the presence of my husband yesterday and that he provided me with a supportive presence as opposed to getting upset himself and trying to do something to make me snap out of it or do something to make it stop. Most often that's all we need: to have somebody be with us when we are hurting and let us be.

12 hours ago, Flowers said:

The poem is beautiful.

 

Get well soon.

 

Love from Flowers xxx

Thank you for stopping by Flowers. And I'm very happy you liked my little attempt of a poem. I follow your journey and find inspiration in your endurance. It is far from easy but we are doing it. Love to you too xxxx

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Maresat   
Maresat

Dear Bubble , 

I'm so sorry about your dentist experience and it bringing in such a bad wave .... The last thing our nervous systems need is adrenaline.....

your poem is beautiful a nd you are a wonderful writer... I hope you find the self confidence to knwo that this is true, and even if you don't , don't stop writing.....

 

i too too ahve had to have a lot of dental work this last year . Myblastvappointment was mid August and I had a huge filling .... Now I'm thinking about it I wonder it contributed to my total crash . I was so ill afterwards . 

I do ask fro no epinephrine , but he I jested so much anaethesia into the site and I really felt how toxic it was for my sensitive body . 

I have another one that I am putting off . I'd almost prefer a painful tooth at this point than the aftermath. 

 

I wish you you speedy healing from this setback . 

And you deserve all the praise and support you are given here . 

Maresat ❤️🙏🏻🌺

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JS11   
JS11

Hello Bubble,

I have not "been" on the site in the traditional way, in almost a month, rather, I have private messaged Scorpio--just something we started one day and seem to keep doing so no public sharing, however, with that, I wanted to let you know that when I read your words, it is as if you can see inside my soul.  (if that's not too melodramatic.} You are a gifted writer with great ability to make others feel comforted and safe.  My life is absolutely upside down at the moment, not including the withdrawal, and when I have the where with all to look look at posts, I often see yours.  

I just wanted to say, thank you for all the encouragement you give and also that I am so truly sorry for you suffering.  May you soon find relief.

take care,

JS11

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