Sunnydays0912: scared to taper from Lexapro and Seroquel. Help!

[sunnydays0912]

I would like to reply to Bubble and Addax, thanks so much for the continued support ladies.

 

Unfortunately I don't have it in me to do much of anything right now. I'm in the depths of grief. Last Thursday I learned that my older brother passed away very suddenly. He wasn't even 29 yet and he suffered a heart attack. We don't know exactly what caused it yet. But I don't think it was a natural occurrence of heart attack.

 

This is the brother who endured severe schizophrenia for the last 10 years. The one who I felt I already lost many years ago when his illness took over. I thought that would help if he ever did pass on before me. And it absolutely does not. My brother had it rough in this life, but in general, ironically because of modern psychiatric meds, he had been a mostly happy and functioning person the last 5 years. This is why I do believe in mental illness in his form and do appreciate psychiatric meds when absolutely necessary. I saw my brother quickly deteriorate from the constant paranoia, delusions, voices. He was a violent monster that my parents had to do everything they could to keep him calm and not set off his rage by just saying something the wrong way. This was the new brother that came before meds were ever involved because my parents didn't understand for a while. And it wasn't until he was inpatient at a psych ward for a few months that he finally found some freedom from the demons again. He came out a totally different person. He wasn't being controlled by voices. He was able to smile and laugh with us. He got to meet his new baby nephew and he felt true LOVE for him! Before receiving treatment, when he found out I was pregnant, he told me the demons were laughing at him because he would be the uncle of a half demon/half human monster. He was convinced my husband wasn't the father, but one of the demons who tormented him did this to me.

 

That is when I knew I was no longer safe around him and had to keep my distance. Shortly after he finally got help. And the next time I saw him, he was almost my brother again. Since then, he had his ups and downs. Though thankfully mostly ups. He loved being an uncle and loved to spoil my kids. He was a pain in my parents ass, but he was also their best friend. Most of the time he was a big lovable bear. And he still struggled with his illness, but no where near what it was before.

 

I'm so thankful my brother had 5 good, mostly stable years before his sudden passing. I miss him so much it stings and burns like nothing else I've ever experienced. My parents and other brother are in constant grief because he was apart of their every day.

 

What I'm worried about now is how this will affect my taper...I'm still at 30mg Prozac. My heart is aching and I can feel my anxiety growing every day. I'm afraid this is going to set off a bad adverse reaction of my CNS. This is only the beginning, and I'm scared.

[Petunia]

Hi Sunny,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your brother, its good he was able to get some relief and experience happiness. I can understand your worry about how this may effect your taper. Perhaps you could hold for a while as you work through the grief.

 

(hugs)

Petu.

[Meimeiquest]

Oh, Sunny, I am so sorry, so very, very sorry. Many hugs!

[mammaP]

I am so sorry to hear the sad news Sunny. Try not to worry about what this will do to your taper,

just hold until you are ready to start again. Allow yourself to grieve for your brother. 

Big hugs.  xx

[Addax]

I am very sad to read of your brothers passing. Grief can feel incredibly debilitating and my heart hurts for you. The loss of someone we love is a traumatic event. It is a trauma and the increase in your anxiety and perhaps other symptoms is more than likely a normal reaction to grief / post trauma reaction, that may be exacerbated by withdrawal.

 

I don't know if it will "set off" anything and hopefully it doesn't, but maybe try to keep in mind that grief is a painful experience and can manifest itself emotionally and physically, particularly when it's acute AND if it does set something off in your CNS the set off will be temporary as it would do if you weren't in withdrawal.

 

I'm so glad you'll think of your brother as a big lovable bear who loved being an uncle.

[bubble]

Dear Sunny,

 

I'm very sorry about your loss. It is very hard. Just allow yourself to feel as much grief as you need to. Even allow yourself to be overwhelmed by it, if it needs be. It's a natural process of coming to terms with a loss. If you allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, it will not throw you off balance. My father died 2 years ago under even more unfortunate circumstances and I was in a state of shock for many months and couldn't grieve. And that was awful. But somehow I managed not to fall apart.

 

It's so nice that you can think about your brother remembering nice things but allow yourself to feel any negative feelings you might have as well. It's natural.

 

big hug,

bubble 

[Addax]

I began writing something else but in the wrong thread and had to obviously delete it. Nothing major... Just that my thoughts are with you during this very hard time.

[sunnydays0912]

Thank you everyone for the condolences. It's been a very hard week.

 

I'm upset because this is just the worst time ever to have to be put through something like this. My anxiety is out of control. I'm worrying about So many things, feel like I'm going crazy, feel like my CNS is going to just give up any moment now. And I don't know if it's all just from the loss of my brother or WD. I don't know what to think. All I know is I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, in my life, everything.

 

Everything is too hard right now. I'm feeling hopeless. Like I will never get passed everything I've been dealing with this last year. I will never get off this med. and feel at peace. Never feel normal again. What even is normal anymore? I don't know. All I know is it's something I want again so badly I could scream for days and days.

 

I'm still experiencing a daily routine of sh*tty-feeling. Ok in the morning, then around 10am all my coping mechanism leaves me and I feel hopeless and like life is far too hard. My CNS feels like it's attacking me with discomfort and anxiety. My emotions are intensified, I'm extremely vulnerable, and depressed beyond belief. Then the evening comes and I'm able to cope with things easier and able to accept my brothers passing more and feel like everything is worth it.

 

I'm so tired of this up and down. And I'm tired of there being no answer. I understand the answer is to slowly wean, but even that is jut a best-chance-at-recovery thing. It's at these crucial moments I just can't relax and tell myself it will all be ok. At these times I am almost convinced I will not get through this.

 

WHAT CAN I DO TO BE NORMAL AGAIN???

[mammaP]

Hi Sunny, all you can do it hang in there. I know it is so hard, we all know how it feels and if there 

was something that would make all this go away we would all be better.  Sometimes I just think it

is the way things are going to stay forever, and just resign myself to it.  Getting up, drinking to be

hydrated, eating for fuel and then trying to do essential tasks but sometimes failing. 

 

Then, one day it will lift a little and I feel a window starting to open, like a breath of fresh air blowing

through the tiny opening.  Then sometimes it opens and stays open for a while, longer these days.

Your window will open again one day, but for now keep surfing, it will happen.. 

[Meimeiquest]

Hi Sunny, I will first say that I have never lost someone very close at a young age, so I'm not well qualified to write, but I think what you are going through would be normal both in and out of WD. The fact that you have periods of relative normalcy is a good sign. That intangible you is working very hard right now to process the loss of your brother. I would just encourage you to give voice to it and to care for it as you can. And one big way we take care of our spirits is in taking care of our bodies with rest, nutrition, exercise as you can. Nobody grieving really is able to care for themselves properly, but they make it through to their new reality nonetheless. We are thinking of you.

[sunnydays0912]

Hi everyone

 

I wanted to finally come and give an update on my life.

 

First off, I'm handling my brothers passing much better these days. In fact, a couple weeks after he passed is when my husband left to begin his 2 month internship and so I took my kids back home for a long visit with my family and we planned his memorial service. Being with my family and being apart of the planning was so helpful in my grieving...I couldn't believe it. My parents really went out of there way to give a beautiful service for their son. And ALL of our friends and family came. It was a heart wrenching day, but wow it was an amazing day. My family and I really loved seeing all the support and happiness everyone had to share of his life. Before his illness showed itself, he was a very popular and successful athlete. He had so many friends. And they all showed up and we talked about the man we knew he really was and is again. It was a great, healing day!

 

Right around the same time as going home, I also noticed something suddenly came over me. A sort of...lightness. I began to feel a lot like my old self again. I remember telling my mom "I don't know what it is exactly...but these last few days I've felt better than I have in almost a year". I just felt lighter, happier, just myself. Of course that window only lasted a few days because soon my mood dropped and I felt pretty bad again. However it was also timely with my monthly cycle again because I knew my period was due in the next week. So instead of thinking I was damaged again, I said I was just experiencing PMS. And guess what? A day or two after my period began, I felt much better again!

 

I stayed at my parents house for almost a month. In that time I began to see more of where my issues were stemming from. I could feel the energy being brought back into me simply because I was home, with my family, and my life long friends again. My kids were happy there, my husband visited often on the weekends. We did a lot. I was able to live my life!

 

So at that 1 month mark is when I decided it was time to go home and readjust to life here. My husband still had a month left of his internship that was/is going VERY well. Things between he and I are soooo much better. Partly because we needed a bit of a break from each other, and he's also begun to see his own therapist! He's finally accepted that he does have a stress issue and wants to learn more about it and how to cope with it. He's finally understood where my issues have been with him putting work and school before all else. And how stress is so easily an anger trigger for him so it made him impossible to go to for support in anything. School was stressful engh for him and my issues on top were so difficult for him to handle. Of course now that a therapist has seen this herself and explained it to him, he sees it too and has apologized to me and things have just gotten better since. He's just finishing up his internship this week. He LOVES his job. That has also helped him. Knowing that the job he is working so hard to achieve is absolutely worth the time and stress. So yay, positivity!!

 

Once I came back up here, I did have a hard time adjusting. But instead of thinking that it was caused by my nervous system, by the medication abuse, I let myself think of other reasons. The 5 hour drive by myself with 2 kids? Of course that's anxiety causing. And I noticed it wasn't painful body anxiety. It was real nervousness over the fact I was traveling by myself with my kids which I do not normally do. I was nervous. When we got here, the next morning I woke up anxious. But again, it was a situational anxiety because let's face it. I was back in the town I strongly dislike, feel disconnected to because it's not my home and won't ever be my home, I'm away from my family again and doing it all alone again. And my kids kept asking where their grandparents were which broke my heart. I called my mom a few times that day just to cry and say we miss her. I'm glad I did all this, because it was needed for me to adjust. It was not WD caused. It was not medication caused. It was homesickness and coping. The next day I felt so much better and like I was finally adjusting. And I've been fine ever since!

 

Since then my husband has come to visit once, and we went down to where he is one weekend to go to Disneyland! This was the only time I could actually feel something that felt either WD caused or medication caused because on the trip there I was just feeling fuzzy headed, scared, unconfident. A few months ago I was nowhere near able to handle the stress and energy and brain processing of a weekend vacation like that. On the trip there, preparing myself for it, I could sense those feelings of reluctance. Like I won't be able to do this. I won't be able to handle it. Too much stimulation and my nervous system won't be able to keep up.

 

Guess what? Once we got into town and met up with my husband I had totally forgotten all about those thoughts. We were together as a family again and ready to start our vacation! I handled everything normally and happily. I am SO proud of myself!! And I can for sure say having my husband there and feeling his want and love to be there for his kids made the world of difference. I didn't feel alone in this life anymore. He was in a happy place with his new job and no schoolwork pressuring him. The man I fell in love with was back and he felt like my rock. Just knowing he was there for me gave me so much confidence and assurance that everything will be alright.

 

Now the other good news I've been meaning to post about? I'm seeing a new Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner! She actually works for the Psychiatrist I was seeing before. But I didn't know after a few initial visits with him, he assigns you to one of his NP. The first one I saw was horrible. She was new and didn't really know what she was doing. This was months ago, BTW. I saw her as I began to see my new psychologist who works in the same office. My psychologist listened to EVERY WORD of my story. She has a say in my diagnosis as well, and because my psychiatrist was quickly deciding I had a underlying bipolar issue causing my problems, after just one visit with me she did not think that was the case at all. Bent to be sure, she had me spend the next 3 appointments with her just going over every detail of my life with these meds.

 

Once that was done, she slammed her hand on my medical record and said "This is not Bipolar. I do not see any red flags for bipolar disorder in you! What I'm hearing is a woman with an anxiety issue that has been over-treated and also highly sensitive to medication". She said EXACTLY what I wanted to hear! She said I was so sensitive, I shouldn't be touched with it by a 10 foot pole. And she knew I was seeing an inexperienced NP who did not know enough about these meds to be able to help me at the level I need. So what she did next was amazing and restored my belief in the Medical Profession. She knew I was only seeing her because I currently have Medi-Caid for insurance. And in that office, that coverage only gets you his least experienced employees for managed care. So she actually worked with the very nice and caring receptionist and had her sneak my name into his best NP's patient list. She was a mom to young kids as well just coming back from Maternity Leave and she is highly educated and skilled in Psychiatric Medication. My psychologist trusted her and knew I had to be treated by her and no one else!

 

My first appt. was only supposed to be 30 minutes with her. I was purposely put as her last appt. of the day by herself after she was filled in on my situation because she knew 30 minutes was not going to be long enough. She also wanted every detail of my treatment, so she had me go on for over 2 hours! She was off the clock at 5 but I didn't leave her office until passed 7pm! I was shocked and amazed at how caring and concerned she was for my situation...and the best part is she completely agreed. She even said she knew my Pdoc was often very quick to diagnose. She thinks I too am dealing with a anxiety issue and am extremely sensitive to medications. She agreed I needed to come off verryyyyy slowly. She liked everything I've been doing and what I've learned on my own (she was shocked at my education of these meds). And she told me to continue. She even called my insurance and worked with them to get them to pay for the liquid fluoxetine!

 

My pdoc does not know I am being seen by her. That's how hush hush this is. They are doing all this just to help me because they know I need better care. I'm a "special case". She told me that the severe major depression I experienced after my Lexapro suddenly pooped out was totally understandable and nothing more than a rebound effect. She also told me the fact that Seroquel made me feel like a lifeless, suicidal monster was a very good sign I in no way need antipsychotics because even a tiny .25 dose lowered my dopamine way too low. So that reassured me that my dopamine levels are fine. She even said that's a good sign I'm not dealing with a depression issue at all.

 

The only thing she did say was that I do show signs of a female-version of ADHD. And that's the enattentive type, not the hyperactive type. Especially after hearing my struggles in school and day to day functioning (even before I ever dealt with these issues). And because ADHD has been linked to low dopamine levels, she said the tiny dose of Seroquel causing such an effect on me made sense and helps show there may be a too-low dopamine problem.

 

Now before you all start rolling your eyes, let me finish. She does not want me to take stimulant medication to treat it (IF I get a diagnosis). She, along with my psychologist agree I will have a bad reaction to it. At least not right now. First she has set me up to get Psychological Testing to have it officially diagnosed. From there, she said my first priority still needs to be tapering off this medication. She thinks it's not at all needed and that all of my premedication issues are due to ADHD/low dopamine issues. She said people with low dopamine do struggle with life stressors and major life changes. Dopamine is what helps you cope and see the good in scary situations. If I don't have enough, I'm obviously going to struggle. But she actually wants to treat it AFTER I'm off Prozac and only with natural treatments. She said she is going to look into this personally.

 

The relief I feel from people actually giving a damn and caring and doing everything they can to help...wow. It's amazing.

 

So anyway, my insurance finally approved my liquid fluoxetine today and I picked it up. Because of my brothers passing and so much going on in huge last couple months I've been holding at 30mg. I think the long hold was actually very helpful in my brains stabilization. Last week I finally went down to 27.5mg. I know that's not 10% drop but I didn't realize the syringe I have only goes by quarter's so there's no marking for 3mL, only 2.5 and then 5. So I figured a slightly smaller drop can't hurt anything. But tonight is my first night taking the liquid solution from the pharmacy and I'm nervous. I'm nervous about manufacture changes. I'm nervous the dosing will be slightly different. But I'm going to be brave and believe it will be ok!

 

Ok, so there's my update. I'm ok, I'm doing so much better, and I'm so much more hopeful of recovery!

[Petunia]

Hi Sunny,

Thank you for updating, I have been wondering how you were doing.  Its so good to hear that you are feeling better these days and have worked things out with your husband.  From reading you post, I'm not sure if you are still living in your hometown or not, but it sounds like spending time with your family and friends was very good for you.

 

It's interesting that you have received a possible ADHD diagnosis, that's what happened to me after going off lexapro. I struggled with trying to make stimulant meds work for me for over a year, in the end they contributed to my nervous system crash and subsequent protracted withdrawal.

 

Continue with a slow, careful taper off your prozac and I'm sure you will be fine, now that you have the proper liquid, it should be easier.  Let us know how it goes.

 

Petu.

[sunnydays0912]

Thanks Petu!

 

I have decided to stay with my husband during his last year of college. My trip home, while definitely refreshing and fun, also showed me it could possibly be frustrating and a hassle. My kids and I miss my husband. And this final year of his will be WAY less stressful and busy than last year. So he won't be so stressed and busy. Because of his internship being paid, we've also been able to save up quite a ton so he won't have to work nearly as many hours at the job he has here. And there are also some other little changes we've made that will definitely help this final year go by much easier.

 

My son is excited to start kindergarten with his friends. I'm excited to have quality time with just my daughter. So things are looking up for once.

 

Now the only issue I'm having is figuring out the proper measurement of the new liquid solution. I am terrible at math, so going from 1:1 mg to mL was so easy. Now it's 20mg:5mL and trying to figure out the exact dose I need to get 27.5mg is confusing me!

[mammaP]

Hi Sunny, I was really happy to read your update today, you have come so far and I am very proud

of you for hanging in there. Things have changed so much for you and I'm sure will keep getting better.

I'm glad you had a great time when you visited family, you deserved it and I'm glad it went well for you. 

Sorry I can't help with the dosing I'm not much good at maths either! 

[Petunia]

Now the only issue I'm having is figuring out the proper measurement of the new liquid solution. I am terrible at math, so going from 1:1 mg to mL was so easy. Now it's 20mg:5mL and trying to figure out the exact dose I need to get 27.5mg is confusing me!

 

I'm not great at math either, but I think this may be how it would work:

 

.25 ml contains 1mg

.25 x 27.5 = 6.875

 

So you would need to take 6.875ml  (or round it up to 6.88)

 

I will try and get some more help to see if this is right.

[sunnydays0912]

How do I figure out where 6.88 is on a 10mL syringe though? That's where I'm totally confused lol.

[sunnydays0912]

Ok so my husband helped me figure it out.

 

Only problem is I took it an hour ago and I can already feel a reaction my body is feeling activation. Feels like my legs, arms, and scalp are cold. I guess that could be some kind of andrenaline release? I'm feeling really emotional and scared. I just got off the phone with my husband and couldn't stop crying.

 

Why do I have such reactions to even manufacture changes? I can't stop crying. It feels as though I took too high of a dose because of how anxious I feel and the only thing I can think of is if it's somehow higher than what I'm used to and it's causing activation. And activation leads to sadness and crying spells and panic/anxiety.

 

It really sucks to have been doing so well and then be thrown back into the trenches of this crappy world of unstable NS. I just hope and pray it's a temporary reaction again just like last time when I went from the pill form to the capsule. I had 1 very weird, anxious, emotional day and then was back to "normal" the next day. I know anxiety and fear is fueling my fear that this isn't going to get better. I know it will. I'll be ok.

 

I keep viewing the Hell I went through when this all started as me being damaged by it. So I think I'm damaged and won't be able to handle another episode like that. But I'm going to change my thinking. What if what I went through actually strengthened me? What if because of what I went through and survived, I'm actually stronger and better prepared to handle something like that again? So instead of fearing making one wrong move will cause me to fall back into that pit of despair and I won't be able to come out again, maybe I'll actually be stronger and better prepared to handle it.

 

But really, just hoping this is temporary.

[Addax]

Hi Sunny.

I don't think it's all that unusual to react differently to the same drug by a different manufacturer. From what I've been told there is some small variation in potency allowed by the FDA. That was several years ago, but I doubt things have changed much. For instance, years ago a pdoc informed me that generic versions of psych meds are only required to be 80% of the strength of the original non-generic. I think once you adjust to the new 'version' you'll begin to feel better. ... I have no doubt this set back you're feeling is temporary.

 

I also believed many, many of the side effects of Prozac were permanent. It was such a depressions thought. I was each time relieved when I realized a particular side effect abated with a decrease in dosage. I didn't always notice it immediately and sometimes it was a couple of months before I would realize, "hey, [this] hasn't happened for awhile..." I also felt the same way about some of the withdrawal symptoms, thinking they were evidence of irreparable brain damage. I'm being proven wrong again. As eager and impatient as I am to rid myself of Prozac, I whole heatedly believe the slow taper has made all the difference in the world.

 

Unfortunately, I have no idea how someone would measure out 6.88. I've only decreased my whole mg up to this point. My next decrease will require me to learn how to measure out fractions so hopefully someone in the know will chime in!

 

Hang in there Sunny. You're right about this experience strengthening you, and this too will pass. You got this

[Rhiannon]

Your syringe probably doesn't measure enough decimal places to get 6.88 mL; I would go with 6.9 for now, which is 27.6 mg. If you have a 10 mL syringe that has markings down to tenths of a milliliter (that is, ten big marks with numbers and then ten littler lines between each of those), the smallest you can realistically measure is to about halfway between those little marks. So that would be for example 6.9 mL, 6.85 mL, 6.8 mL, 6.75 mL, drops like that.  (Just multiply your mL times 4 to get your dosage; 6.9 mL is 27.6, 6.85 mL is 27.4, etc.)

 

If you want to be able to reduce your dose by less than 0.2 mg at a time you will need to dilute the solution more. 20 mg in 5 mL is pretty concentrated.

 

Definitely if you are changing from one formulation to another, don't reduce your dose as you change, stay at the same dose so you can give your body time to adapt to differences and make sure they're equivalent for you.

[sunnydays0912]

Addax, thanks so much for your reply! It was very helpful and comforting I read it as soon as it was posted and it helped calm me down a lot. I just haven't had much of a chance to get back to you until now.

 

I know what you mean. So much of the emotional numbing Prozac was causing at 40mg has really cut back a lot. A friend of mine who's dealt with these meds a lot told me it's known as being the "Don't give a ****" drug, which makes so much sense because at that dose I seriously didn't give a crap about anything. Once I stabilized at 30mg is when I began to feel much more like my old self again. But it took time. So that gives me hope I can recover!

 

Rhi, thanks for the help!! I'm using a 10mL syringe with just 4 little notches between each mL. So my husband told me that 6.88mL should come out to right about the 4th notch over 6mL. So that's what I've been doing.

 

I also thought that concentration was pretty strong so I've been wondering if I should dilute it more or if I even can. Does the pharmacy mix it themselves? Maybe I can ask for it to be diluted?

 

 

Thankfully a few hours after I took that first dose i did calm down. The only thing I notice now after taking it is I get a little dizzy. Like my vision momentarily struggles with depth perception and my head feels like it's moving. But it's very mild and temporary so I'm sure it's just an adjustment thing and hopefully goes away soon.

 

Now for a few days I've begun feeling the WD from the cut. I'm feeling more sensitive and depressed (but not full blown depression). Low mood, lack of energy, demotivation worse than before. But I'm still functional and hopeful it will pass once I stabilize again on the new dose.

 

Does anyone know what causes depressed mood in WD?

[sunnydays0912]

You guys...I'm really worried. Tonight I noticed something. I was watching tv and noticed my tongue was kind of pushing up against my teeth...I thought it was cause I was watching something kind of intense. But I don't normally do that. I noticed myself doing it again 2 more times before actually wondering what was going on. And then it hit me...could this somehow be connected to my taper??

 

I remember someone in my thread posted that they had experienced a pressing of their tongue against their teeth. I'll have to go find it again. But my eyelid tic, though still very mild, is still around. I kind of accepted it would be here until I was off meds or at least much lower. But now something actually symptomatic to tardive dyskinesia?? I'm freaking out!!!

 

Of course once that popped into my mind my anxiety rose and my heart began to beat fast. I tried to stay calm and really pay attention to my tongue. I was so tense from panic though I couldn't tell if my tongue was trying to push forward or if it was just the tension in my body. So I went for a walk and calmed down some.

 

Now I can definitely tell their is a weird feeling going on with he tip of my tongue and my jaw. I don't think my tongue is trying to move forward but it's definitely got some tension at the tip. Like it can't relax even while not moving. And my front teeth and wanting to clench together.

 

I'm scared. I'm really really scared. I know this is a condition known to be caused by antipsychotics. But I was on one for a month recently and it totally changed my brain function. I could feel it. What if it damaged it and the Prozac has been hiding it? And as I go down it will just show itself more and more?

 

My fears are running away with me now I know but I'm scared. I've still got 27.5 more MG to go of this stupid medication. Should I be worried???

[Altostrata]

No. You need to deal with your tendency toward excessive rumination about extremely minor sensations.

[Skyler]

Sunny, I agree with Alto. Your obsessive ruminations about symptoms are the problem at this point. I wonder if you are getting professional help to ease your path, as the anxiety you describe is very significant.

[sunnydays0912]

This is why I won't let myself google things anymore. I know one of my biggest struggles in this process is knowing too much of what could happen, even in the most rarest cases.

 

In Prozac Backlash, I read that some of his patients on Prozac alone did develop TD. So that's why I see it as a possibility and fear it.

 

But there really is some weird tongue thing going on. Maybe it's just tingling and so causes me to notice it and also causes the touch to feel different. But, yes, I assume the worst and think it's the start of TD.

 

I just really want to come out of this process unscathed. And because of my distrust of these meds now, it's hard to believe I will.

[Muddles]

I've had this...it's tension. Also the twitching...I get all over body but magnesium seems to help.

[sunnydays0912]

So it's been 15 days since my last cut and the depressed mood is only getting worse by the day today was my sons first day of kindergarten and I could hardly enjoy it.

 

It feels as though my brain is struggling to function again. I know I don't yet understand exactly how all neurotransmitters work, but from my own self analysis, it's as if the normal life stressors are there but because of my WD, my NS can't keep up and allow me to cope. I try to reassure myself over and over but my brain does not respond by releasing calming effects. In a sense, i know and believe my logical thinking is actually true, but my brain won't respond. It so easily can release feelings of fear, anxiety, lack of confidence, hopelessness, and especially feelings of being overwhelmed by life. But it absolutely sucks at balancing it out with the opposites of those feelings which allow me to cope and think everything will be okay. It's ruining my day to day life again.

 

I had a major life change today. My oldest baby had his first day of kindergarten. I was able to play the happy, proud mom. And I mean, I really was. That was definitely there. It was just being pushed back by all the anxiety and discomfort of the feelings I expressed above. Instead of feeling confident and ready to tackle on the new daily responsibility of getting him to school and all that goes with that, I was feeling totally overwhelmed. Like it was too much. Simply taking my son to school dressed and with a lunch and picking him up every day is too much work. I'm getting rushed with feelings of how hard it will be. How tedious. How exhausting. How much I'm not going to enjoy it. All I'm getting fed, for the most part, is feelings of frustration as if it's some dead end job I'm stuck with the rest of my life.

 

I KNOW that's not me. I had just barely enough in me to feel the joy and pride and reward of it all. I had small moments where I'd feel the "wait, no, I'm going to enjoy him going to school!" And it would show me that those negative feelings are not at all the case. But the positive feelings are severely struggling to keep up. And it's so very hard to deal with.

 

My NP thinks even more that the reason I'm struggling to come off SSRI's is because of my possible ADHD/low dopamine levels. She says dopamine plays a huge part in those feelings of reward and coping mechanisms. And that being low plus my serotonin currently struggling to adjust, that's why I'm struggling so much to get through this.

 

She's also concerned about my hormones and nutrition levels so she's having me do blood tests for those, along with a full thyroid blood work tomorrow. She saw my pdoc only ordered for one basic number to be tested so she wants it all plus the other things to really see what's going on.

 

The hormones especially because she noticed I'm still losing a lot of hair 2 years after having my last baby. It's totally normal and hormone caused when 2-3 months after having a baby the mom loses a ton of hair. However it's supposed to stop and begin growing back within a couple months. That's what happened with my son. But with my daughter I lost a TON of hair and ever since I'm both growing it back and still losing it constantly. I have so many different length of little hairs because of the constant loss and regrowth. So that concerns her as well.

 

But as it is right now, the severity of the WD I experienced today and even worsening in the coming days is telling me I may need to go even slower with this taper...it's not at all what I want to do. But in order to be functional...

[Meimeiquest]

Hi SD, congrats on being a school mom. Trust me, the first week of school is hard for all moms! Please keep remembering your peak WD will be quite delayed with Prozac. When I was stopping/starting in ignorance in my early 30's, I didn't feel it for six weeks. Weird sensations, I don't think, are TD. I had very mild TD coming off Zyprexa, my dad had it for many years on Geodon. I recovered quite completely, and my dad almost did, even with a very serious brain injury. Even if it occurs while your brain is resetting, you will almost surely be fine. I think magnesium is a great idea as well. Keep up the good work!

[sunnydays0912]

Thanks for the reassurance Meimei!

 

I'm also wondering if what I'm experiencing are neuro-emotions. Because the overwhelming feelings of struggle and sadness over him going to school are seriously intensified. Above anything that should feel normal. If this is the case, it should calm down as I stabilize right?

[Meimeiquest]

Yes, but sad is so normal. They don't call them "Boo-Hoo breakfasts" for nothing . Plus your feelings would normally be augmented by the loss of your brother. Plus a new schedule is hard to work out. So neuro-emotion is just frosting on the cake. My kids go to school, my little patient goes to school, I am with teachers all day. The first week (month) is hard on every single one of us.

[sunnydays0912]

I have my psychological testing in the morning. Interested to see how it goes. Hoping they won't be quick to diagnose...

[sunnydays0912]

Hi everyone.

 

Bad news. And I debated whether I should mention it here because there is a sense of shame on my part. But I have to remember it's not my fault...and figured someone here may understand.

 

2 weeks ago our birth control method failed and I just found out I'm pregnant...this was by no means planned or wanted. Especially right now. I've been a complete mess since finding out because it's the very last thing I need right now. Not only because of my mental state and tapering, but because of so many life factors right now. It's so very bad timing. Which is why we are SO strict about BC! But it happened anyway and now here I am.

 

The shock is beginning to wear off and the reality of it all is sinking in and I am falling apart. I feel so many feelings or remorse, guilt, failure. I know the actual conception isn't our fault, but the fact that I feel I can't handle it makes me feel guilty and like a failure. I guess I should come out with it and say my husband and I decided terminating the pregnancy is the most acceptable option. I'm not in the right place mentally, physically, or situationally to be able to handle a pregnancy right now. I know how sensitive I am to hormonal changes and I do not see that going well right now.

 

My husband still has a year of school to go. We will be going through far too many changes at the same time and I know I will struggle with not only all of that, but the entire pregnancy. Still livings way from family, my husband will be so busy again soon once school starts, I'm still dealing with tapering and recovery. I just...can't.

 

My husband has no issue with it and agrees and understands now is not the time. He's very supportive of my decision. I even told my mom because she is very understanding and she told me the same thing -- she completely understands and agrees with it.

 

And yet...I'm still struggling. With all of it. I've always been very pro-choice. I can so easily understand when other women feel it's the best option for them. And I know I fit in that category as well. But my emotions are still crushing over me. I'm a mess. And it's not because I want to keep the pregnancy. When I consider it I know it can't happen and I don't want to. But it's like the whole situation is just devastating me.

 

I see my psychologist tomorrow. I'll be telling her about it and I'm hoping she can really help me accept and prepare.

 

So that's what's going on with me. No med changes. I was still stabilizing on 27.5mg and doing pretty good. But that's the last thing on my mind right now.

[Addax]

I can only imagine how difficult and emotional your struggle is right now. I wish you didn't have that sense of shame. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I completely understand your decision, and I'm so glad to read those around you are supportive and you have a psychologist to work through your thoughts and feelings with.

[sunnydays0912]

Thank you Addax for the warm support and understanding.

 

 

The last week has been a whirlwind. The shock of what happened destroyed me all weekend. I talked with my psychologist and psychiatrist Monday and Tuesday and they both strongly support me and my decision and understand completely. Wednesday I began to accept my choice. Now I'm at the same place. I won't go into more detail about it. I do wish I was healthy enough to handle this differently...I think of the me I was before I crashed a year ago and that person would have been shocked but able to cope and maybe even get excited despite the hardship our next year has with my husband finishing school. When I think too much in that way, I get angry. So I stay away knowing there is nothing I can do. Before I ever dealt with these recent issues, I had tough pregnancies hormonally and physically. So I just have to do what's best for me and my families health.

 

Can I just say this....once this is done and we begin to move on...can this be it for awhile? Can the hardships end? I know life has many hardships we must face. But wow, this passed year has really been the hardest of my young life so far. The extreme pain of adverse reactions to ill-advised drug switching, the pain of the loss of all emotions and love for my life and my family, the horrible treatment I received from ignorant, low-cost practitioners. The marital problems all that produced. The inability to cope with anything and the intense loneliness I felt when despite my crying and begging for help from family and close friends, no one took me seriously enough. The dark bubble I felt I was in entirely alone.

 

Then losing my brother so suddenly and unfairly...watching my family suffer from the grief and feeling the need to step in and support them and help lead them through it simply because I, myself, had just come out of a very disabling and painful grief period of losing myself. One that I had to endure alone (with the help of you guys here) even though I voiced how much I needed help to many.

 

I never mentioned it because I didn't want to dwell on it, but despite helping my family grieve and plan his memorial and everything that entailed, I was almost constantly bitter. I feel being there for my family was a huge step in my own recovery and finding myself, even a little, again. But I think that's because finally I could relate to them and felt they weren't so different from me and what I had gone through anymore. At least hardship wise. And every time I was strong for them, a little voice would pop in my head "why couldn't you do this for me?". But at the same time, helping them through the difficulty of it all (and still is) was quite therapeutic for myself. Like I got a little bit of the comfort I needed from them through this. I guess.

 

Anyway...add on some extra life stressors, dental issues (I actually broke one of my teeth during the short 2 years I DON'T have dental insurance. Go me!) and this has most definitely been my hardest year so far. So please let it all go up from here. I will accept any bumps along the way, but as long as the road still routes upwards, I'll take it.

[sunnydays0912]

TMI update on recent situation:

 

As it turns out, this pregnancy really wasn't meant to be and I didn't have to make that decision myself. I'm having a miscarriage. My first one. It totally changes things. On one hand I am relieved. And feel better knowing the universe just knew now wasn't the time and spared me from having to make that decision myself. On the other hand, I still feel so much guilt over not only feeling I couldn't handle a pregnancy right now, but that I'm relieved over something that causes most women sorrow and heartbreak. But the truth of the matter is I need to take this as a sign my initial reaction was right and for many reasons it wasn't meant to be. And I think I'll be ok with that once this process is all done.

 

Another thing I've noticed since this pregnancy began is how much my emotions have dulled again. At first I thought it was just shock and hormones changing suddenly. But now that I am starting to feel like "myself" again as my hormones fall, the emotional dulling is more prominent and I've been wondering what is going on. Because I had a pretty good window for a month once I stabilized at 30mg Prozac, I seemed to have forgotten that AD's can cause emotional blunting. Not just that, but I'm very inattentive again. I have had no motivation to do anything aside from the things needed to be done like home chores and watching after my kids. I can't complain about that because I'm thankful I'm at least functional. But when I have free time? My automatic response is to kind of just sit and stare. And that includes just flicking through Facebook or picking at my nails. I have so many of my favorite shows waiting to be watched on my DVR, or things I've been meaning to get to like finishing my family pictures project or baking desserts or calling family to check in on them. I have a list of things I want to do, but when given the chance I totally space out and forget about them or simply don't have the energy or motivation to.

 

I will say this IS a issue I've had my whole life. Hence why so many professionals are pointing towards me having Inattentive ADHD. They aren't just looking at recent happenings. They listen to what I've said about my past as well. But I do think Prozac is worsening it and too fast WD really worsens it. But because of this no one is comfortable treating it until I can recover from WDing from it and seeing how I do. But when I get to a point where Prozac is obviously making it worse? It's driving me nuts and makes me want to come off faster. I know I can't. But wow I wish I could....

 

Oh, btw? I was told these long, detailed posts I make are products of my hyper focus. Along with how I can go on and on with my psychologist.

 

Does anyone have any opinions on this? I'm open to opposing opinions.

[Meimeiquest]

Well, I'm glad about your miscarriage as well. I think in the long run it will be an easier memory to carry. I have heard that the hormonal whiplash is much worse with uncompleted than with full pregnancies. So I would say the fact that you are functional is a fabulous outcome for the moment. I wouldn't really think about it beyond that.

 

Even if you feel off, you must remember your brain is in a major remodeling process. Just support it, take care of yourself. If you have things that you would like to learn about or modify later, there will be time for that. But if you miss the joy of this time by overpathologizing yourself, you will regret it one day. You will regret modeling it to your children. I too have been labelled as obsessive, as possibly having ADD. What's funny is that my pdoc identifies herself as having inattentive ADD and is increasing her meds. For some reason she feels the need to tell me all this. Apart from WD, I think I am much healthier than she is. Just let all parts of you be what they are, and work on them later as individual projects. Also, to both of us, anxiety can be at the root of the long-windedness. As has been said, Normal is just a town in IL. Good luck!