Success: beconscious survives Ativan and Pristiq

[beconscious]

My introduction topic and monthly journal:

 

I had joined the forum just over 1 year ago.  I had begun an alternating taper from Pristiq just 2 months before that. But this was not the beginning. 1 year prior (2012) I had cold turkey'd from daily Ativan use of nearly 4 years and suffered the worst.  I had no idea what was happening, and much less about what was in front of me.  I was certain I was dying. If you look up any symptom associated with sudden discontinuation withdrawal from Ativan Lorazepam, I had it (but for seizures).  It was devastating - emotionally, and nearly physically. I managed to keep my life in order, though, with the help of a great employer who worked with me over a 3-4 month absence, a patient wife, and a few friends.  But it did take its toll on these relationships.  I was prescribed both by a general practitioner, first the Ativan, then during the intense withdrawal phase the Pristiq, which I elected to take to address the severe depression and numb what I could.  Coming off Pristiq was a nuisance, but not even close to the trauma the brain experiences when pulling away from Ativan.  That experience was so severe, so hellish, that I can't even remember what it felt like to withdraw, now. My brain has somehow achieved what it is good at, for the sake of self preservation, and blotted out many of the emotions and sensations I once knew 24 hours daily, for months on end.  One can never imagine what it is like to experience such suffering. The good news is that it is replicable, and so I invite any doubters to simply ask their doctor for a prescription citing that 'they're not feeling well, and somewhat anxious from time to time". Take that prescription home, look at yourself in the mirror as you down the first dose and say goodbye to the person you know.  Proceed to take that small does of Ativan for the next 48 months or so and observe as your mind and your body undoes itself.  Then scour the internet in painful desperation looking for answers and wondering which way is up? If I have that coffee, or eat that bread, or bacon - will I suffer? Will I feel that wave of suffering tomorrow, and for how long might it last?

 

I very quickly did exactly that. And being off work for a few months gave me every opportunity to compulsively search, and search, read and read about Ativan. It's wonders and its dangers. It's miraculous and powerful abilities to help me achieve, and then its punishing blow that brought me literally to the ground, where I would sleep and lay for weeks on end - just waiting for something to get better.

 

I quickly amassed an arsenal of details and helpful hints, some of which I have documented in my entries here.  I was careful, and patient, but of course angry and wounded by this experience.  As each month turned I made progress, and this kept me going.  Every month the symptoms of withdrawal from Ativan lessened. The MS-like symptoms, the inability to cope with stress. It all faded away.  The final layer - Pristiq - posed some troublesome sensations, and they lasted nearly 8 or 9 months. But here I am today. 2 years out and able to abuse myself, stay up late, get myself worked up and stressed out and eat the junk I want, if I want.  I have beaten this experience, and have learned much.  It's like a commercial for depression where the clouds clear and the sun comes out, only in this commercial I'm not on anything. I'm returning to my old self - sure perhaps with some OCD and some anxiety, but now I understand how these qualities can be used and managed.

 

So, look forward to what comes next. You will be relieved, and pleasantly surprised.  Let go, and let yourself heal. It will happen.

 

Edited after reading the instructions on how/what to post:

1) My symptoms, as are reported, happened in waves and windows. These varied over time and all I can say is that we have valleys and peaks, which is pretty consistent with what others report on the Ativan withdrawal. As for the Pristiq symptoms they were much more linear, in that if something went away, it was pretty much gone. If it did return it was only subtle.

 

2) It took me about 2 years to recover from Ativan withdrawal. 3-4 months of intense chronic withdrawal, another 4 months of chronic withdrawal, and 12-15 months of nuisance withdrawal while I also tapered from Pristiq. Due to the overlap it gets a bit fuzzy.

[Jemima]

Thank you, beconscious.  Your story will inspire and help others on this forum. I hope you'll continue to post here and let us know how you're doing.

 

 

 

beconscious' Intro here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4103-beconscious-greetings-all/

[Altostrata]

beconscious, was there anything in particular that helped you bear the symptoms?

[WinningThrough]

Benconscious, this is fantastic!

[alex]

Thank you, very inspiring!!

[beconscious]

The one thought that really helped me endure the symptoms was that I was ending the relationship with Benzos. I told myself that for every tough day and for the strength it took to just sit in this jail passing the time - that the effort meant I would get stronger. The symptoms were my brains way of calling out for Benzos and I was determined to deprive the brain knowing that I was 1 day further away from that hole. It was satisfaction through self torture.

[mammaP]

Thank you for sharing your success story BC, it's inspiring to see how you have come through the 

nightmare of withdrawal. I love how you painted this picture, if that doesn't discourage people from

ever taking a benzo, nothing will! 

 

""" I invite any doubters to simply ask their doctor for a prescription citing that 'they're not feeling well, and somewhat anxious from time to time". Take that prescription home, look at yourself in the mirror as you down the first dose and say goodbye to the person you know.  Proceed to take that small does of Ativan for the next 48 months or so and observe as your mind and your body undoes itself.  Then scour the internet in painful desperation looking for answers and wondering which way is up? If I have that coffee, or eat that bread, or bacon - will I suffer? Will I feel that wave of suffering tomorrow, and for how long might it last?""

[beconscious]

Apart from a sudden wave (MSG Induced over a month ago) all continues to be well.

 

Air Travel has always been particularly difficult and has been one of the most important stress tests (for me) that demonstrates my healing. This past week I had to fly for work again (4 hours each way). The experience had no discernible affect on me. Hardly any detectable nervousness or difficulty at all - and my 2nd flight medicine free in over 12 years.

 

It's as though the stress that we experience is very good exercise for our CNS and adrenals and it's truly amazing to see how our bodies pick up the ability to remain calm.

 

Hope you are all getting well, as I know you are.

[Altostrata]

be, I moved your post here to keep your progress in one place.

 

Those are excellent observations. Yes, it seems our nervous systems do better with some challenges, as long as we don't overdo it.

[beconscious]

It has been about 4 months since my last 'blip'. I wont even call it a wave as I consider myself to be healed, now, and the cause was MSG related.  I wanted to check in and say hello to you all.  Feeling just fine.  Staying away from MSG has been a real help.

[mammaP]

Hi BC, thanks for updating. It is brilliant that you are staying well and that your last wave was just a blip 

[Kiddo1977]

Hi BC.....this is my first post and I felt compelled to write to you. I am currently living the nightmare you describe in your post. I've been withdrawing from Ativan for the last 10 months and it's nothing short of a miracle that I'm still hanging on. I've successfully tapered from 2mg to .36mg and hope to be benzo-free in the next couple of months. This is a frightening, all encompassing and isolating experience and I have somehow managed to keep my job and family intact. I struggle every single day. Some days more than others. My biggest fear at this point is tapering off my remaining SSRI (Paxil) after this. I see that you were able to taper off Pristique about a year after your benzo withdrawal. Is there any helpful hints you can give me? Did you taper it slowly? Thank you for your success story.

[LexAnger]

Thank you BE! It gave hope to every one here still seeking a way out and suffering very badly. Hope you continue doing great and enjoy fullest of life can offer!

[WiggleIt]

beconscious, THANK YOU FOR THIS STORY!

 

You will see from my signature that I am also suffering MS-like symptoms.  I hear some people refer to it as tardive dyskinesia, or dystonia, or Parkinsonism, or myoclonic jerks, or akathisia.  Whatever it's all called, the point is that I have all of it, badly.  

 

Especially worried because my jaw is so stiff and my throat muscles are so stiff that I can only swallow soft foods.  I am fighting to keep up my body weight.

 

I keep getting sad because I don't see people talking about TCAs and MS-like symptoms.  Ativan is an intermittent part of my story, too.  I suspect my symptoms are more from the TCAs than the Ativan, because I was on the TCAs more consistently and longer than the Ativan.  But who's to know?

 

I'm just happy that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for these particular symptoms.  I want to be a success story like you.       

[beconscious]

Just a quick mid-winter update and I promise to reach out to you who have replied and ask questions. Life is trucking along firing on all cylinders. Another winter of Seasinal Affective Disorder but my blue light and serotonin boosting foods really make a difference. One serious fatigue event in late December where I panicked and got checked out by urgent care. I forget sometimes how long it took me to get here and that occasionally I find a ceiling in my energy level. I'm hoping - my aim - is for winter SAD to diminish year over year. It's possible that I had it through my chronic stages of recovery but it was mild that I only detect it now.

 

Al is well, though, and my less than optimal energy is probibly just owing to being mid 30s more than anything else.

 

Hang in there all of you. Rest, and as I usually say - please be gentle with yourselves for now. You will definitely improve.

[servadei]

I wonder how you deal with SAD now?

[Claire8554093]

Be conscious, thank you for this post. It helps me so much. Really. Please can I ask you, did it take 2 years to recover in total,from both? I was in Zoloft for 3months,c/t and had seziures. Was put on ativan, for 3weeks, a high dose, made everything 1000tims worse. Have had 11weeks of hell. However I am wondering how long it will take before I am me again. I would so be happy it if were within 2 years. I would love that. Also, I am on Prozac now, I was suggested to take it to help with ativan withdrawal, I want to taper off but I, not sure when the right time to do so would be. Should I stay in for another 4 months to make it 6months in total and then taper for 6 months ? I would so appreciate your help!!!! All my info is in my signature . Kind regards Claire

[Rockingchaircat]

I completely understand the Ativan withdrawal. I was only on for a few months- I hit tolerance fairly quickly. But I too tried a too rapid a taper. I went back and tapered 'properly'  and that was a hell in of itself. It's good to know that the crap I'm going through will eventually pass. Thank you for your suggestion- one day at a time.

[Hopeinahpwr]

BC,

Thank you for your inspiring story and I am so very happy for you that you have recovered and are moving on with your life my friend...I wish you only the best!

Ben

[Christian]

Hi. Congrats on your recovery. Can you possibly share some of your symptoms along the way? You mentioned MS like symptoms. Can you be more specific? It would be helpful to those of us who are looking for recovery stories to see if there is a possible end to our pain.

[ChessieCat]

Hi there,

 

The staff at SA are wondering how you are.  We'd love to hear how you are doing now.   Would you mind dropping by and giving an update?

 

Thanks.

CC