degen12: Starting SSRIs as a child, and The SSRI Enigma

[degen12]

I appreciate your comment. It makes a lot of sense.

 

Checked and Anatomy of an Epidemic is now available as an audiobook. I picked it up despite some misgivings. Reviewers critized a lack of depth and over-simplification in particular.

[degen12]

I take Zyprexa 2.5 mg a day now. 1.25 mg was insufficient to control my agitation.

 

I need to think very carefully about my next move. I have seen again and again that failed withdrawal attempts and medication instability has led to the addition of new drugs.

 

In this case, switching from Luvox to Cipralex led to the addition of Zyprexa. Tapering diazepam too fast in the past led to the addition of Lyrica.

 

I could restart my diazepam taper, but decrease by smaller increments than 2.5 mg. Otherwise, I could start to taper Cipralex. I think the SSRI causes a great deal of the agitation I experience, and so tapering it first might yield better results. I might be able to stop Zyprexa early.

 

I think I could start with 2.5 mg cuts until 15 mg. From there I would assess my response to the taper and choose how quickly to drop to 10 mg. At 10 mg and below there is no question that I would cut by 10% or less. In my previous experience with Cipralex the majority of withdrawal symptoms appeared when tapering below 10 mg.

 

I am scared of OCD re-emerging with a vengence. I should say Obsessive-Compulsive symptoms, rather than labelling it as disorder. While it may be a disorder, I am making a concrete attempt to "de-patient" myself as Alto suggested.

 

Stability will be key. Something I've lacked in the past. There has always been an element of recklessness and instability to my approaches, despite warnings from people on this forum. Excuse the psychobabble, but I have often felt like I've been in a state of agitated depression. I blame this on SSRIs, which have had increasingly negative side-effects over the years I've taken them.

 

I think that in my current state I could attempt a measured and stable taper and be successful at it.

[Petunia]

I agree that tapering the Cipralex would probably be the next best move, especially because your symptoms seem to be of the agitated type. Please give yourself a bit more time to stabilize back on Zyprexa before beginning a new taper, as you have written, lack of stability has caused your problems in the past.

 

When you do begin your Cipralex taper, even though you may be able to taper a little faster at first, why take that risk when you could do it safely from the start and give yourself the best chance of remaining stable and coming off it without causing an uptick in symptoms.

 

Here is the Cipralex (lexapro) tapering topic:

 

Tips for tapering off Lexapro (escitalopram)

 

Please would you update your signature with your current Zyprexa dose and the date your reinstated it.

[degen12]

I'm applying to university because I need something to do and I have no skills. I am useless but maybe I can be rehabillitated and become a semi-functional member of society.

 

I really am though. Not just thinking about it. Application is almost done. Costs almost $250. I got distracted and came here. I'm probably trying to coax people to sympathize with me. Curious behaviour?

 

Really though I think some structure in my life would help me.

[Wildflower0214]

That sounds like a fantastic idea. Good for you. I would like to go and take an art class or something, but I'm not well enough to be somewhere on a regular basis. Hopefully, soon, I will be able to.

 

Good luck! Let us know how it goes and what courses you end up taking.

[degen12]

Thanks for your post  . I hope you will get better soon. Being unable to be somewhere regularly is rough. I still struggle to get to doctors appointments. (That makes going to university sound insane, but I am oddly optimistic).

 

I applied to psychology, philosophy and kinesiology. I already have 2 out of 4 years of kinesiology and 1 out of 4 years of psychology so those are probably logical places for me to start.

 

I think I will take the minimal course load. I can take 40% (2 courses) of a full course load (5 courses) and still be considered full-time because I am considered to have a disability.

[Wildflower0214]

That's great!! Kinesiology is really fascinating. I was an excercise science major for a while, and I loved those courses. Philosophy is great too... It's all great. I loved college and I miss it all the time.

 

I miss the discussion of the subjects and theory. Being able to have a conversation and listening to other's point of view was so wonderful.

 

I hope it all goes very well for you. 2 classes a semester sounds like a good choice to start with.

 

I'm so happy for you! Let us know how it goes....

[degen12]

I take mirtazapine 30 mg. For a year? I've no idea, really.

 

It has given me nerve problems since I started it. Problems include: Burning mouth syndrome, numbness, tingling, pins and needles, altered sense of taste, altered sense of touch.

 

A few days ago I woke up with what has now been diagnosed by an ENT as sudden sensorineural hearing loss in my left ear.

 

Although no doctor has made the connection between my mirtazapine and the hearing loss, I feel confident that it's the cause. Furthermore, there is a case report in the scientific literature.

 

Large cuts to my psychiatric meds have destabilized me in the past, but I feel that it is medically necessary to do so.

 

I'm very scared. I will cut from 30 mg to 15 mg. I will report my experience here (before retreating back into my intro thread).

[degen12]

It has been a while and I take a different assortment of drugs now.

 

In December I ended up in a psych ward for 3 weeks and many changes were made there. I got lucky and the doctors I worked with were awesome. 

 

It has been my experience that psychiatrists in psych wards are MUCH more likely to be aware of side-effects such as akathisia and withdrawal syndrome of psychiatric drugs.

 

I don't mean this to say that hospitalization is great and you should all check in and get rapid tapers. I really didn't have a choice.

 

 

Cipralex 20 mg -> 10 mg

 

Because of akathisia they tried to reduce my Cipralex to 5 mg, but I had bad withdrawal syndrome.

 

Olanazapine 10 mg -> 0 mg

 

I wouldn't have managed to CT this drug if I was not in the hospital.

 

Added lithium 900 mg

 

This stabilized me. When I got out of hospital, I tapered this drug in a hurry because of concerns about kidney health. Luckily I had not been on it for long so I was able to CT it easily.

 

Lamictal 100 mg -> 0 mg

 

Another CT that I wouldn't have managed unless I was hospitalized.

 

 

 

I hope I can contribute to this forum once again. 

[nz11]

Hi Degen

Sorry to hear of your ear problem. Thanks for taking the time to update.

 

Is there anything that the hospital did to help with withdrawal symptoms?

It appears they may have  covered them  with a heap of lithium?

Are you currently stable?

 

A 50% cut in mirtz is a big drop. Did the pdoc suggest this?

 

Sorry  you are in this situation.

nz11

[degen12]

I stopped taking lithium when I got out of the hospital.

 

My family doctor (who is acting as my pdoc) didn't suggest I make such a huge cut. My doctor isn't a reliable source for any drug information, so I generally leave him out of any discussion about psychiatric drugs unless it is absolutely necessary. If I talk to him about any of my problems he always suspects mental instability as the causative factor and suggests ridiculous things like stopping diazepam CT. 

 

My first night at 15 mg of mirtazapine went OK. I know that it will take a few days for levels to decline, given its long half-life. I expect some nasty withdrawal symptoms. 

 

Thank you for your concern.

[Altostrata]

degen, how are you feeling now?

 

Is the only drug you're on 10mg Cipralex?

 

What was the method the hospital used to eliminate withdrawal from clonazepam and lamotrigine? Substitution of lithium?

 

Good to see you've minimized drugs.

[degen12]

Hi Alto,

 

I withdrew from Zyprexa, not clonazepam. (Easy mistake to make, for some reason I put olanzapine instead of Zyprexa, and it looks a bit like clonazepam). 

 

The pdrugs I take now are Cipralex, mirtazapine, diazepam and Lyrica (I consider this a pdrug for me now, since it has had such a negative effect on my mental faculties) 

 

I was taking Zyprexa and Lamictal as well when I was hospitalized. They stopped those and cut my Cipralex dose in half.

 

They did indeed "substitute" lithium to take the sting out of stopping Zyprexa and Lamictal. I stopped it when I got out of hospital though. I came across a recent paper which found an astounding number of long-term lithium users have end-stage renal failure and now require dialysis.

[Altostrata]

Sorry for the error.

 

Yes, lithium can be dangerous. Monitoring it requires periodic blood tests.

 

That's still quite the cocktail. How do you feel now?

 

Please put ALL the drugs you take in the Drug Interactions Checker http://www.drugs.com/drug_interactions.html
and copy and paste the results in this topic.

Please also update your signature.

[degen12]

I agree it is quite the cocktail. I feel like ****. I'm under no illusion that they worked some magic in hospital and made me all better. I no longer have intense sucidal ideation 24/7, though. I guess they also put a stop to the ridiculous increase in drugs that was happening under the care of my family doctor. (I was up to 7 drugs, the 5 I take now plus Zyprexa and Lamictal).

 

I also developed what looks like tardive dyskinesia. I'm seeing a neurologist tomorrow to check on that and other things.

 

My quality of life is very poor because of the drugs I take. I'm trying to regroup and make a sensible plan moving forward to reduce them without throwing off my stability. 

 

The only interaction I see is the possibility of serotonin syndrome between Cipralex and mirtazapine. SSRI + mirtazapine induced SS has been reported.. I've had symptoms of it now and again, but mostly when I was at 20 mg of Cipralex. 

 

Probably also sedation between Lyrica and diazepam. But I think that only applies if you've never taken those drugs before. Despite taking these sedating drugs I feel vastly over-stimulated 99% of the time.

 

The drug that is having the worst impact on my life is Lyrica. I take a whopping 600 mg a day now.

 

Thanks for your interest.

[degen12]

Drug Interaction Report

Drug interactions for the following 5 drug(s):

Unsaved Drug ListEmail | Print | Save | New list diazepam escitalopram mirtazapine Bystolic (nebivolol) Lyrica (pregabalin)

 

• Consumer
• Professional
• Major Moderate Minor Food Therapeutic Duplication

Interactions between your selected drugs

Major mirtazapine  escitalopram

Applies to: mirtazapine, escitalopram

Using mirtazapine together with escitalopram can increase the risk of a rare but serious condition called the serotonin syndrome, which may include symptoms such as confusion, hallucination, seizure, extreme changes in blood pressure, increased heart rate, fever, excessive sweating, shivering or shaking, blurred vision, muscle spasm or stiffness, tremor, incoordination, stomach cramp, nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. Severe cases may result in coma and even death. You should seek immediate medical attention if you experience these symptoms while taking the medications. Talk to your doctor if you have any questions or concerns. Your doctor may already be aware of the risks, but has determined that this is the best course of treatment for you and has taken appropriate precautions and is monitoring you closely for any potential complications. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor.

Switch to professional interaction data

Moderate diazepam  mirtazapine

Applies to: diazepam, mirtazapine

Using diazepam together with mirtazapine may increase side effects such as dizziness, drowsiness, confusion, and difficulty concentrating. Some people, especially the elderly, may also experience impairment in thinking, judgment, and motor coordination. You should avoid or limit the use of alcohol while being treated with these medications. Also avoid activities requiring mental alertness such as driving or operating hazardous machinery until you know how the medications affect you. Talk to your doctor if you have any questions or concerns. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor.

Switch to professional interaction data

Moderate diazepam  escitalopram

Applies to: diazepam, escitalopram

Using diazepam together with escitalopram may increase side effects such as dizziness, drowsiness, confusion, and difficulty concentrating. Some people, especially the elderly, may also experience impairment in thinking, judgment, and motor coordination. You should avoid or limit the use of alcohol while being treated with these medications. Also avoid activities requiring mental alertness such as driving or operating hazardous machinery until you know how the medications affect you. Talk to your doctor if you have any questions or concerns. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor.

Switch to professional interaction data

Moderate diazepam  nebivolol

Applies to: diazepam, Bystolic (nebivolol)

Nebivolol and diazepam may have additive effects in lowering your blood pressure. You may experience headache, dizziness, lightheadedness, fainting, and/or changes in pulse or heart rate. These side effects are most likely to be seen at the beginning of treatment, following a dose increase, or when treatment is restarted after an interruption. Let your doctor know if you develop these symptoms and they do not go away after a few days or they become troublesome. Avoid driving or operating hazardous machinery until you know how the medications affect you, and use caution when getting up from a sitting or lying position. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor.

Switch to professional interaction data

Moderate diazepam  pregabalin

Applies to: diazepam, Lyrica (pregabalin)

Using diazepam together with pregabalin may increase side effects such as dizziness, drowsiness, confusion, and difficulty concentrating. Some people, especially the elderly, may also experience impairment in thinking, judgment, and motor coordination. You should avoid or limit the use of alcohol while being treated with these medications. Also avoid activities requiring mental alertness such as driving or operating hazardous machinery until you know how the medications affect you. Talk to your doctor if you have any questions or concerns. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor.

Switch to professional interaction data

Moderate mirtazapine  nebivolol

Applies to: mirtazapine, Bystolic (nebivolol)

Nebivolol and mirtazapine may have additive effects in lowering your blood pressure. You may experience headache, dizziness, lightheadedness, fainting, and/or changes in pulse or heart rate. These side effects are most likely to be seen at the beginning of treatment, following a dose increase, or when treatment is restarted after an interruption. Let your doctor know if you develop these symptoms and they do not go away after a few days or they become troublesome. Avoid driving or operating hazardous machinery until you know how the medications affect you, and use caution when getting up from a sitting or lying position. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor.

Switch to professional interaction data

Moderate mirtazapine  pregabalin

Applies to: mirtazapine, Lyrica (pregabalin)

Using mirtazapine together with pregabalin may increase side effects such as dizziness, drowsiness, confusion, and difficulty concentrating. Some people, especially the elderly, may also experience impairment in thinking, judgment, and motor coordination. You should avoid or limit the use of alcohol while being treated with these medications. Also avoid activities requiring mental alertness such as driving or operating hazardous machinery until you know how the medications affect you. Talk to your doctor if you have any questions or concerns. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor.

Switch to professional interaction data

Moderate escitalopram  pregabalin

Applies to: escitalopram, Lyrica (pregabalin)

Using escitalopram together with pregabalin may increase side effects such as dizziness, drowsiness, confusion, and difficulty concentrating. Some people, especially the elderly, may also experience impairment in thinking, judgment, and motor coordination. You should avoid or limit the use of alcohol while being treated with these medications. Also avoid activities requiring mental alertness such as driving or operating hazardous machinery until you know how the medications affect you. Talk to your doctor if you have any questions or concerns. It is important to tell your doctor about all other medications you use, including vitamins and herbs. Do not stop using any medications without first talking to your doctor.

Switch to professional interaction data

 

 

[degen12]

My quality of life is very poor because of the drugs I take. I'm trying to regroup and make a sensible plan moving forward to reduce them without throwing off my stability.

 

Just a follow up to this statement.. I've been reading Peter Breggin's book called "Withdrawing from Psychiatric Drugs", and especially the sections about having the proper supports in place before attempting withdrawal. Even reducing my drugs in the recommended way (very slowly) has resulted in a lot of instability, which my family feels the brunt of. I think finding a way to help them understand that behaviour instability is a normal (although not ideal..) part withdrawal will be important. Equally important will be the effort on my end to find a healthier way to express my frustration than taking it out on those that love me most.

 

My past attempts have failed often because I snap at a family member, which makes me feel awful about myself and often brings on intense suicidal ideation.

 

I've been a dependant adult for many years and this screws with your own sense of well-being and also changes the dynamics of the relationships for whom you are dependant on. I'm not saying this to try and evoke sympathy or pity.. I guess this is more of a journal entry? I donno..

[Altostrata]

The overstimulation could be instability from withdrawal and drug changes, or it could be the mirtazapine-escitalopram interaction, a sort of low-grade serotonin syndrome.

 

Perhaps you could see a therapist and work on that feeling bad about yourself? Remember, thoughts of suicide are only thoughts. You don't have to act on them.

 

Are you taking mirtazapine to sleep?

 

Lyrica, diazepam, and Bystolic also act as "brakes."

[degen12]

The overstimulation could be instability from withdrawal and drug changes, or it could be the mirtazapine-escitalopram interaction, a sort of low-grade serotonin syndrome.

 

Perhaps you could see a therapist and work on that feeling bad about yourself? Remember, thoughts of suicide are only thoughts. You don't have to act on them.

 

Are you taking mirtazapine to sleep?

 

Lyrica, diazepam, and Bystolic also act as "brakes."

 

I agree that low-grade serotonin syndrome is a likely candidate. I was so sure I had it that I printed a binder full of research papers Ion the subject. When myoclonic jerks and a low-grade fever kick in, I get worried  I did go to the hospital once, but they said it wasn't SS. Why? Because for them, SS is an all-or-nothing affair. Sadly, I know more about basic systems physiology than many doctors, who evidently were asleep throughout much of medical school.

 

Mirtazapine and Bystolic are used to treat my orthostatic intolerance and postural tachycardia. The great sleeps and better appetite were a nice outcome. Thankfully, there are other, non-pdrug approaches to treating POTS. Mirtazapine was used because, well, I already take pdrugs. That makes sense..??

 

The problem in dealing with my suicidal ideation is that it often occurs in the backdrop of intense akathisia. When I am akathisic, I can take a look at my suicidal thoughts, try and look at them objectively (which is impossible to do when analzying your own thoughts, I know), and still come to the conclusion that I would be better off dead. For myself, akathisia is a condition that is NOT compatible with further life. I refuse to live with intense akathisia. Others may be able to do so, and I applaud them. 

 

I don't want to be responsible for anyone commiting suicide because of akathisia. There ARE treatment options. It took me several planned overdoses and other obscene acts to get that help, and even then I was met with scepticism. Finally I was given a trial of propranolol and my suicidal ideation disappeared with the VERY FIRST DOSE. It wasn't placebo. Not even close.

 

Although I had an allergic reaction to propranolol and had to stop it. It gave me hope that I didn't have to live with that unbearable condition. The drug sucked in other ways. It caused ridiculous fatigue, and it didn't control my postural tachycardia like Bystolic did. It made me more depressed as well. All of that was better than akathisia.

 

Anyhow, the pdoc that in hospital was a suggestible chap who agreed that Cipralex might be the cause of my akathisia. When it was reduced to 10 mg from 20, akathisia was reduced significantly, although not eliminated like with propranolol.

 

I really should feel bad about myself. For me, the key is to realize the my current situation doesn't always have to look like it does now.

 

Thank you as always for your interest, Alto..

 

I need to draw up a plan for withdrawal, rather than doing it haphazardly. I need to get everyone in my life involved, and up to speed on the specifics. I need to set very strict parameters to keep me from making rash moves. I feel inspired to do this now. I'm going to make a plan and post it in this topic, and if anyone has a mind to read it, they can comment. It would be appreciated.

[Hopeinahpwr]

Degen12,

I am praying for you.

[degen12]

Degen12,

I am praying for you.

 

Thank you

[degen12]

I haven't experienced any withdrawal symptoms from going from mirtazapine 30 mg to 15 mg. I feel very lucky. My hearing has also fully restored. Mirtazapine won't be the next drug I taper, but when I do continue to taper it I will be following the guidlines championed here.

[degen12]

Looking for advice.

 

I would really like to taper Lyrica. I take 600 mg/day though and they are prescribed in 150 mg pills. My drug plan will NOT pay for a script with multiple capsule sizes. The way I see it I have to get a script for 75 or 50 mg and take a bunch per day.

 

Currently:

 

Morning - 2 x 150 mg pills

Night - 2 x 150 mg pills

 

Change to:

 

Morning - 3 x 75 mg pills

Night - 4 x 75 mg day

 

For an initial reduction of 75 mg a day. It seems like a lot but I am taking 600 mg a day so it is only a drop of 12.5%.

 

Thoughts? Thanks..

[degen12]

Any thoughts?

[ChessieCat]

Hi Degen,

 

Here is the Tips for tapering off Lyrica (pregabalin) topic.  If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

[degen12]

Yes I have read that thread before.

 

I don't understand, do you want me to talk about my plans for tapering here, or there?

[degen12]

Really not doing well...

[ChessieCat]

Yes I have read that thread before.

 

I don't understand, do you want me to talk about my plans for tapering here, or there?

 

Questions about your personal situation and taper are best asked here in your Intro/Update topic so it keeps your history together for yourself and other people.

 

"Really not doing well..."

 

What are your current symptoms?  Are you keeping notes on paper?  Are you getting new symptoms?  Have any previous symptoms worsened?  Have any of your symptoms improved?

[Shep]

Hi, degen.

 

I received your PM but I'm hoping you'll also post here on your Intro. 

 

Please give us a bit more information about "really not doing well". Perhaps there's something that can be done to adjust your taper and get you up and going again. Like ChessieCat just posted, this is the place to keep track of your symptoms and progress. 

[degen12]

Thanks for your concern..

 

I was having very bad anhedonia, chronic pain had flared, sensory integration issues were peaked.. I was spending a lot of time thinking about how I would kill myself and reading suicide websites. It was very difficult.

 

I feel better today, after having a very neutral day yesterday.

 

I feel like this is an uphill struggle that doesn't have an end for me. Or, if it does, I don't have the desire or willpower (call it weakness if you like) to complete all the 'in-between' work and suffering required to secure an existence that isn't 24/7 suffering. I still basically feel this way, but I can not carry out my wishes knowing how it would hurt my mom.

 

People have been telling my most of my life that it will get better, but it rarely does.

 

There is a voice in my head however that says, "Your thinking is being warped by Lyrica!", and I think there is some truth to that. My suicidal obsession kicked into high gear after starting Lyrica. While all my psych drugs are damaging to me, Lyrica is my target ATM.

 

Hopefully I can get my doctor to change it to smaller capsules. However. if I tell him I want to taper or lower the dose he is likely to want to take charge of the process himself and do it very quickly, which is surely to land me in hospital. He did that with Lamictal (1 week taper), and it did land me in hospital. I might try opening the capsules and dissolving it in water. That worked for me with Zoloft before.

[SquirrellyGirl]

HI Degen, 

 

I'm sorry it has been such a tough road for you, but you are right, you are under the influence of meds, and until you are operating by your default factory settings, so to speak, you shouldn't make any big decisions!  You will find that one day when you are in a window you will find it hard to believe you ever had such thoughts :-)

 

I am concerned that you are wanting to taper your Lyrica as by your sig you did a 50% cut of Remeron last month, and to do any more changes anytime soon could make things even worse.  

 

How do you feel now compared to before making that big cut with the Remeron?  I strongly encourage you to hold for a couple of months before re-assessing because it will take some time for your nervous system to remodel in response to that large of a cut.  If you were to follow the 10% taper method for the Remeron it would take 5-6 mo to get down to 15 mg.  If you are feeling a lot worse than before this cut, it may be prudent to updose a bit.  So, please let us know your before and after symptom profile.

 

Thanks!

SG

[degen12]

HI Degen, 

 

I'm sorry it has been such a tough road for you, but you are right, you are under the influence of meds, and until you are operating by your default factory settings, so to speak, you shouldn't make any big decisions!  You will find that one day when you are in a window you will find it hard to believe you ever had such thoughts :-)

 

I am concerned that you are wanting to taper your Lyrica as by your sig you did a 50% cut of Remeron last month, and to do any more changes anytime soon could make things even worse.  

 

How do you feel now compared to before making that big cut with the Remeron?  I strongly encourage you to hold for a couple of months before re-assessing because it will take some time for your nervous system to remodel in response to that large of a cut.  If you were to follow the 10% taper method for the Remeron it would take 5-6 mo to get down to 15 mg.  If you are feeling a lot worse than before this cut, it may be prudent to updose a bit.  So, please let us know your before and after symptom profile.

 

Thanks!

SG

 

If I had followed the 10% guidline with mirtazapine I would probably be deaf. 

 

- There are case reports of hearing loss with mirtazapine, plus anecdotal reports

- I experienced nerve problems from the start, such as a burning tongue and other paresthesias

- Then I wake up with sudden sensorineural hearing loss in one ear

 

=

 

Me doing the completely rational thing and making the largest cut I could manage without inucring severe withdrawal symptoms.

 

That's why 10% a month is a guideline. 

 

I do agree that it probably destabilized me. Ttanks for your concern.

[Shep]

How is your hearing now? How is the akathisia? From some of your posts, it sounds like that may be a reason for the suicidal ideation. 

 

You sound like you have an awful lot of time on your hands and are going through scientific literature and spending a lot of time ruminating. You've got so much going for you. You're very young and extremely bright. This is no doubt going to take a couple more years to get you off the drugs and feeling better, so I really hope you are able to find other activities besides suicide websites and spending too much time researching symptoms. 

 

 

 

 

 

I've been a dependant adult for many years and this screws with your own sense of well-being and also changes the dynamics of the relationships for whom you are dependant on. I'm not saying this to try and evoke sympathy or pity.. I guess this is more of a journal entry? I donno..

 

 

 

I think you may be onto something here. Degen, once you get through this phase of your life, I think you're going to have some really amazing insights, probably moreso than most people your age.

 

I would encourage you to find some distractions from your pain in healthy ways. Perhaps mindfulness, yoga, online classes, or volunteer work when you're well enough. 

 

 

Thanks for your post    . I hope you will get better soon. Being unable to be somewhere regularly is rough. I still struggle to get to doctors appointments. (That makes going to university sound insane, but I am oddly optimistic).

 

I applied to psychology, philosophy and kinesiology. I already have 2 out of 4 years of kinesiology and 1 out of 4 years of psychology so those are probably logical places for me to start.

 

I think I will take the minimal course load. I can take 40% (2 courses) of a full course load (5 courses) and still be considered full-time because I am considered to have a disability.

 

 

 

 

Is this something you are still considering? Please keep these dreams in mind when the suicidal thoughts come in. Perhaps starting out with an online class or two after you've stabilized from your current medication reduction. 

 

I had to start and stop college so many times due to these drugs that I didn't finish my BA degree until I was 32, but I'm very glad I kept going. Unlike you, I had absolutely no idea about the real nature of these drugs, so it would be many more years before I would finally get off all them. Unlike most people who are studying psychology now, you have some real insider knowledge. So I would definitely encourage you to keep studying and learning. You are already way ahead of the game. 

 

The thing about going on these drugs at a young age is you don't have that sense of "home" to return to in your mind. You don't have that baseline. So it's up to you to create that baseline and become the person you want to become. But that's going to be up to you. 

 

SquirellyGirl is giving you sound advice on your taper. Right now getting stable should be your goal. Please keep us updated. 

[Shep]

One more thing, Degen. Please place a brief summary of your past medications in your signature. This will quickly give us a clearer picture of the extent of your drug use and the age you started, as this is important in giving you advice. 

 

Perhaps use this post to compile a list of your medications and place a brief summary in your signature: 

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/7254-degen12-starting-ssris-as-a-child-and-the-ssri-enigma/?p=105047

 

Thank you. I hope today is a better day for you.

[degen12]

Wow Shep thank you for your posts. There is a lot for me to think about before I can formulate a good response. I just wanted to say that I am thinking about it and your input is sincerely appreciated.

 

Today is good day, I think. Tomorrow will be difficult because I ran out of diazepam a day early.

[Shep]

I'm glad my posts were helpful, but I'm concerned that you're out of diazepam. Diazepam does have a long half-life, however, it's very dangerous to run out of benzos. I also have to wonder about the role of benzos - especially a very sedating one like Valium - and your level of chronic suicidal depression. Klonopin, another type of benzo, was very much linked to my suicidal thinking and I'm very happy to finally be off that drug. 

 

You're going to feel a whole lot better once your mind is free of these neuro-toxic drugs. I hope you're able to work with us and set up a careful taper plan for your drug cocktail, stick to it, get free, and go onto finish your studies. If you think of it as just a "phase" in your life and not who you are, it will free you up to chart your own course in life. And once you get a game plan for your meds, you're free to concentrate on getting to that next phase. 

 

Please give us an update. I hope you're able to get your diazepam refill soon.