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Altostrata

What does healing from withdrawal syndrome feel like?

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Altostrata

Recovery from withdrawal syndrome is so gradual and so unlike healing from anything else we're used to. Symptoms come in waves, change, and mutate into other symptoms.

 

This is confusing and discouraging. It seems we're going nowhere.

 

Yet, often when you look back on where you were 6 months ago, you can see there's been progress in healing. (Reading your Intro topic when you're discouraged can remind you of this.)

 

For example, I had intense depersonalization for several years. Early on, there were a few occasions where I did not even recognize the street where I lived for decades. One of these happened while I was driving. It was terrifying. But it did pass in a few minutes.

 

Gradually, over time, the sense of depersonalization gradually dissipated, like dark clouds getting lighter and lighter. Then, there was the day when I realized I felt fully present! What a great feeling that was.

 

Something similar happened with post-SSRI sexual dysfunction (PSSD). AT first, I felt complete genital anesthesia. In the first year, feeling gradually came back. Over the following years, sexual response gradually came back. Orgasm was absent, then faint, then intermittent. Now it's restored to close to normal, and libido is present (though not like it was; I'm menopausal).

 

There were many other symptoms that faded in the same way.

 

What has healing felt like for you?

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nn123

Hey Alto,

 

Great thread. I want to reiterate something you said that has been helpful for me - things do come in windows and waves, but looking back 3-6 months can serve as a reliable indicator as to whether you're improving. I would also describe the improvements I've had, in every area, as gradual, almost imperceptible, but undeniable when I've really thought about my experience carefully. 

 

Nick

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Altostrata

Can you describe how any specific symptoms changed, Nick?

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alex

For me,it's anxiety, anhedonia and depression, they still here, in the windows and waves pattern,but much less intense.

There are other symptoms like tinnitus and insomnia that are more perstistent.

I am worried that my insomnia is not improving.

PSSD still here in the form of premature ejaculation.I feel a little more control though.I think this is not as bad as other cases I've read about.

Neuro-fear and hopelessness come and goes, depending on the night's sleep.

I don't know why insomnia scares me so much.

I've seen improvement and I want to believe it will be getting better.

I've read that 18 months is early for protacted w/d.

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Petunia

What does healing feel like to me?

 

Its like waking suddenly at 6am with my mind fully alert, body tense and shaking on the inside as fearful thoughts start to roll along, one after another, reminding me that I'm still broken, today isn't going to be the day my life is fixed.  But then at some point I realize that I have just slept through the entire night, when that wasn't always the case.  I remember the nights when I would wake at 3am, 4am and 5am and not be able to go back to sleep, those nights are rare now.

 

There are those days where I'm feeling slightly better and I push myself to do a few of the things I need to do, but then suddenly feel exhausted, So I lay down and fall asleep.  Then wake up suddenly, not knowing where I am or what day it is.  Then I remember, look at the time and realize that I have been asleep for a whole hour, during the day, two months ago that wasn't possible.  Up until very recently, my body has been hyper-stimulated during the day and unable to fall asleep, it must be starting to settle down.

 

Healing from withdrawal is like spending the morning feeling so bad I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to take it, but I hang on and get through each moment, trying to find things to distract me, to occupy my terrified mind and keep it calm until suddenly, I find myself outside raking up leaves in the sun and I realize it doesn't feel as bad as the last time I raked leaves.

 

I come inside and jump in the shower with only slight hesitation.  Then half way through washing my hair realize that a year ago, it took me several days to build up the 'courage' to get myself in the shower, and that the fear I felt through the whole process had been overwhelming.  Now there is no fear during the actual process of showering, only some frustration because of the slow running drain and coming to terms with the reality that one of these days I'm going to have to handle calling a plumber.... but not today.

 

Healing from withdrawal feels like not healing at all and being certain that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life and wondering if I'm going to have the strength to endure it.  But then finding myself driving in my car, completely relaxed, not worried about anything, remembering how at first, driving anywhere caused a continual state of panic until I got back home. I would put things off for days if I could, just so I could avoid the added stress.  Now, there is some residual fear associated with driving, caused by the memory of actually having to do it in such an intense state of fear, but once I get in the car, I relax.  It wasn't driving which caused the fear, the fear was there anyway.  A secondary fear was created out of the horrendous experience of having to drive around while being in a state of panic, I don't recommend it.

 

Healing is like feeling really awful and believing that its just getting worse and worse, until I think back carefully or read back through my thread or journal and see the truth about just how bad it was, compared to now.  It only seems like its getting worse.  Maybe its because its been going on so long, its wearing me down and wearing me out.

 

Healing is like walking backwards somewhere with your eyes closed.  You have no idea where you are heading, and you don't know where you have been until you get somewhere else and open your eyes for a few moments and look back towards where you came from.  Then you close them again and keep going.

 

Sometimes healing feels like I am standing still while the rest of the world races by, leaving me behind, and I panic.  But then I calm down and notice that no one is going anywhere.  Everyone else is racing around and around in circles and I'm sitting calmly and peacefully in the center, knowing that everything I need is right here.

 

 

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Janie

Petu that is so well written. It's just like that. It made me cry. 

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CharlieBrown

Really great topic! it's got me thinking. How different people really are.

 

After stopping medications I felt dramatically different within a short period of time. Negative emotions seemed to return more quickly than the positive. In fact much more quickly, I spent a long time full of self-pity and basically in a deep depression. For two years I didn't care what I was doing or where I was going. But at some point I started to care again. When I finally went out at that time I wasn't really enjoying myself, but the change in enviroment felt better than the never ending cycle indoors.

 

It's taken a persistant conscious effort and lots of practice. Talking to myself saying "I don't want to keep doing the same old things that make me unhappy" Of course there have been so many ups and downs. Sometimes feeling like I just want to go back to sleep. after being asleep for 16 hours already.  Many times having to remind myself that it might be more comfortable and easier to stay in the same routine. But it's not what I really want.

 

Now years up to this point re-arranging my thought processes, looking for the things I like and want. Instead of things I don't like or fear. Has caused the most noticeable development in my overall mood.

 

That's more on the mental side of things... The physical changes have been much slower. The PSSD i've been experiencing showed very few signs of improvement up till about a year ago. It's been such a gradual process of growth I've barely noticed. Only seeing the progress looking back over several years. Feeling completely dead and useless years ago as compared to just partially broken and repairable now. For a long time I had just stopped thinking about my sexuality. Convinced there was no development. Now I know there's always change and I make a conscious decision to work on my body.

 

I know with more time, mental and physical practice, I will grow and be a happier person. I'm glad I didn't give up years ago!

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alex

Great post Petu;you are a brave woman.

 

Hugs,A.

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PoisonPills

I relate to this on so many levels. Every level. Especially with you Petu. Feeling and sharing your pain and experience. And the journey of healing. The symptom changes/morphing is particularly poignant for me Alto. And the windows and waves. It has won me the title of "hypochondriac" more than once. Sometimes it all seems so intangible. Yet the devastating realities of lived experience is so real. The playing field is never level. The deck is always stacked. Or so it seems. The worst of it is the destruction of self trust. The constant questioning. Is this really real? Or are they right? Is it really only all in my head?

 

It is and has been profoundly empowering training in learning to live moment by moment. To be present in the here and now. To let go. To observe. To Stop. Listen. Connect. Reflect. And claim the power of that. They are lessons and skills that dont come easily to me. But those moments of reflecting and glancing back, and seeing how far Ive come, are worth their weight in gold. It is in those moments that I know what healing feels like.

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Altostrata

Yes, I agree, coping with symptoms has forced me to grow as a person. Being marginalized medically, we must believe in ourselves and our sense of what's best for us.

 

Here's a good essay by Don Killian from a benzo support site http://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/2014/02/15/we-are-all-different/
 

 

I have talked with many who are healing via the window/wave mode. Even so, every single one is doing it differently. Some have infrequent windows but when they have them they feel nearly normal. Some have “50%” windows fairly frequently but don’t really have a time when they feel “wonderful.” Some have waves that crash in on them leaving them terrified and certain that they will never be well – right after they had an incredibly good window. Some get pounded with excruciating physical pain which can disappear in moments only to return later in the day or week. Others suffer horrid mental symptoms of depression and anxiety which can lift for a few hours allowing rays of sunshine to pour in only to be clouded over later on as if the sunlight had never existed. Some even oscillate back and forth between physical and mental anguish.

 

I healed by the “continuous misery” method. I had lots of physical pain, but the mental torture was the hallmark of my recovery, and it dogged me minute-to-minute for what seemed like it would be eternal at the time. It was constant until one day I felt it “lift” a bit. From that day on, it gradually faded over time until it was completely gone over a few months. Other symptoms gradually improved and eventually vanished over the next several months.

 

Others have healed in that same general way. The skies clear for no apparent reason after a very long storm, and the sun shines. The storm is suddenly over. It can be rapid and profound.

 

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PoisonPills

Great article, thanks for sharing.

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ladybug

That was truly beautiful, Petu. It brought a tear to my eye as well.

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beconscious

Healing from withdrawal symptoms, at first is a sense of relief. Finally, the nights of panic stricken cortisol surging and days of fatigue lighten up.  The long list of worrisome symptoms slip into nothingness, and morning by morning we awaken to find that one more uncomfortable side effect has slipped way.  Those intense moments of intrusive thoughts, the mental anguish that we witness in ourselves fade away.  The discomfort and the pain sputter out as the body and mind restores its balance.  At the beginning it is the painful experience that becomes less so. Finally, we reach those moments, then days, weeks, and then months where no symptom is left to haunt us. After climbing that long steep climb we near the crest.  The sun is warmer and brighter and for what feels like the first time in our lives we will learn again the sensations of happiness.

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Jemima

Alto, I'm so glad to read that you feel like your old self again, only better.  I agree that this has been quite a maturation process. As a Christian, I sometimes wonder if God has marked us survivors for some special purpose.  It has certainly been a growth experience for me in a direction I never expected to take.

 

For me, it's been a long, slow climb out of the pits of hell with lots of waves and windows.  The symptoms of withdrawal faded away so gradually for me that I didn't realize I was over it until about six weeks had passed and I realized I felt like myself and had not had any marked ups and downs during that time.  I still get the occasional neuro-emotion, a twinge of fear or sadness that lasts awhile for no good reason, but I now know that's all it is - neuro-emotion - and that it will pass. And it does.  There is still some anhedonia, but I've been able to get out and about, make new friends, and take an interest in needlework again, although I'm not yet as enthusiastic about creative things as I once was.  I expect that will also come fully back in its own time.

 

I remember that in late September of 2013 remarking in one of my Intro posts that coming out of withdrawal felt like peeling one of those maddening hard-boiled eggs where you have to pick tiny pieces of eggshell off one by one, and the membrane feels like it's been super-glued to the egg. Then, at some point at roughly mid-January, it seemed like the last small bits of eggshell and membrane fell off and I didn't even notice for another month or so.

 

I think this experience has changed me for the better. Oddly, I'm much less anxious and fearful than I was before antidepressant withdrawal and I've learned to trust God and His goodness much more so than before. I can now talk myself out of depressive moods fairly easily. At the present time I'm working on valuing myself even though I'm not working or heading toward some noble goal. I'm learning how very self-pitying I can be and how self-destructive it is to indulge in that kind of thinking. I think I'm a more compassionate and tolerant person now that I've suffered--through no fault of my own--from a condition that few people understand.  

 

Stay tuned. The best is yet to be.

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Aria

Petu has described withdrawal very very well. I remember feeling terrified 24/7, walking was like moving through thick jello, trying to understand what people said thru my brain fog and when I did sleep I'd suddenly bolt upright in fear. Then times of being able to sit calmly, not fight for breathe came. When I could think back and realize I'm was doing better. I slowly healed.

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Rhiannon

Something I'm dealing with lately at this point in my taper is the return of intensity of normal emotions. Not neuro emotions, although they may still be contributing, but just normal emotional responses to normal life experiences.

 

A few weeks ago I found out within a space of a few days that two of my friends in this town (which is to say, about two thirds of my friends in this town) were moving away. I was so sad and disappointed, it was really intense and painful for a while; and then it faded, and I focused on spending time with other friends (I do have a lot of other friends in the towns in the area, about 30 minutes away).

 

Last night I found out I didn't get the job I just interviewed for, and I woke up this morning feeling just devastated about it; but I talked to my daughter, and I texted to a couple of friends, and after a few hours, now I'm feeling just sort of disappointed and sad, but okay, making plans, moving along. I still feel disappointed.

 

What's new to me is both the intensity of these emotions (which don't really feel like neuro-emotion, which has a more, I don't know, perseverative and less "alive" feel to it) and how quickly they seem to move through and pass (also not typical of neuro-emotions).

 

This isn't exactly healing from withdrawal, because that's not exactly my situation, I'm still tapering and will be for several more years; but I think it's part of my brain function becoming more normalized now that I'm not on such massive doses of psych meds. It's interesting, a little challenging, mostly okay.

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Skyler

Rhi... I'm very sorry to hear you did not get the job. It is their loss, and I seriously mean that.

 

For the vulnerability to emotions.. 30 years ago, when I first developed my pain disorder, I was sick for 2 years. I almost never went out, and then not to crowded places. When I recovered from that dreadful episode, I went to the Arcade in Providence, a small mall (first in the US actually). Tiny shops in close proximity, a very pleasant bustling atmosphere, decidedly not toxic. But there was so much sensory input I had an awful time trying to screen things out I was not attending to. Reading the description of your response to sadness, reminded me of that time. It sounds like your body is being overwhelmed by what it sees as new sensations... but hold on, the feelings will fall back into a more regular pattern.

 

And I feel for your loss of your friends. Unfortunately those feelings of loss will linger. It's so hard when folks who are close leave.

 

Skyler

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Nikki

Alto this is a wonderful topic.....thank you for your honesty.

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Bellisimo

Recovery from withdrawal syndrome is so gradual and so unlike healing from anything else we're used to. Symptoms come in waves, change, and mutate into other symptoms.

 

This is confusing and discouraging. It seems we're going nowhere.

 

Yet, often when you look back on where you were 6 months ago, you can see there's been progress in healing. (Reading your Intro topic when you're discouraged can remind you of this.)

 

For example, I had intense depersonalization for several years. Early on, there were a few occasions where I did not even recognize the street where I lived for decades. One of these happened while I was driving. It was terrifying. But it did pass in a few minutes.

 

Gradually, over time, the sense of depersonalization gradually dissipated, like dark clouds getting lighter and lighter. Then, there was the day when I realized I felt fully present! What a great feeling that was.

 

Something similar happened with post-SSRI sexual dysfunction (PSSD). AT first, I felt complete genital anesthesia. In the first year, feeling gradually came back. Over the following years, sexual response gradually came back. Orgasm was absent, then faint, then intermittent. Now it's restored to close to normal, and libido is present (though not like it was; I'm menopausal).

 

There were many other symptoms that faded in the same way.

 

What has healing felt like for you?

First time this depersonalization hit me i got soooo scared thought i was really going insane, it was sooo frightening, i can say that this symtom is for me the worst symtom ever in recovering! It happened to me ALOT earlier but comes in waves now, sometimes im present for a long time then i suddenly loose myself and the enviorment

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btdt

I want to add to this but feel unable just now... so I am making a note so it comes up in my contents for future reference.

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mlrp

Alto, the first three paragraphs of your initial post here quite eloquently descibe my own fledgling experience with healing.

 

Odd that I should be posting to this thread during (what I hope is) the tail end of a wave. Maybe it's because I do have some recall of how I was doing just before it hit:

  • increased energy and interest in the activities that made up "my life" before. I was able to increase my walking, and even tried a few very slow, easy jogs.
  • I made one or two meals that consisted of something more than the most basic of preparations. Look at me! I'm chopping cucumbers!
  • I bought nail polish. Without being wracked with guilt and anxiety (I have mom issues that I'm working to overcome.) and with the full intention of using it.
  • For a couple of days at work, I listened to music I used to enjoy. Again, without (well, minimal) anxiety.
  • I bought tickets to a concert. (That concert is takes place this Thursday, and I'm hoping to be able to enjoy it despite this wave.)
  • and MOSTLY, MY CORTISOL MORNINGS WERE GREATLY REDUCED. My overall anxiety was largely diminished. I wish now that I had recorded every, single good morning that I had, so I could have an accurate record. I remember remarking to my husband that I was really hoping that I wouldn't see a return of those horrible mornings. Spoke too soon as it turns out, but I go on record now as being able to say that, for a while, they were nearly gone. :-)
  • I doodle in my journal. In fact, I can tell when I've had a wave because that's when I stop journaling. NOT helpful in trying to determine patterns.

This recent episode of healing was significant and I'm grateful for it. Even on my best day, however, I was probably only about 70% the person I once "was." But when this whole thing started, I was probably only about 25% there. So, progress!

 

Lessons learned: journal every day, even if it's just a one-sentence summary of symptoms.

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Altostrata

Good points, mirp!

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NewMe

I remember (with 12 step help) healing like this: Holy "beeeep". I feel ridiculously and criminally amazballs. I looked around for the proverbial other shoe - to drop on my head...for someone to tell me I am behaving manically to the degree I needed to be in hospital...for the feeling to run off with the circus.

 

I have my challenges, though many of my posts do not reflect it all that often. 

 

I also find being of service to those struggling in a place I have been in and overcame to be a great healer for more than just myself, but esp to see where I was...and now am....and heading. 

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Wildflower0214

Someday, I'm going to have something to post here. :)

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btdt

It feels like the movie groundhog day... cycles over and over again sometimes with symptoms that are new sometimes with old ones... 

a couple of times i thought i was healed only have it come back... 

 

I think drugs are part of it coming back so are traumas like surgery car accidents even infections... which I seem to have all the fricking time...... all that crap destabilizes me and back I come to the waiting room of life. 

 

it is this and oh so much more another day I will add much more.  

 

I wish you peace

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GardeniaBlossom

Thank you, Petunia, mlrp, and Alto. What you wrote were gifts. One day I hope I will have something to share here.

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manymoretodays

Thanks for the bump GB.  Now this will show as part of "my content". 

 

Good putting into words something so difficult to describe all of you!!  The walking backwards(and I will add through the squishy cool mud) with one's eyes closed hit the spot. 

 

And I am onto discovering the joys of kefir!!!

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oskcajga

Recovery from withdrawal syndrome is so gradual and so unlike healing from anything else we're used to. Symptoms come in waves, change, and mutate into other symptoms.

 

This is confusing and discouraging. It seems we're going nowhere.

 

Yet, often when you look back on where you were 6 months ago, you can see there's been progress in healing. (Reading your Intro topic when you're discouraged can remind you of this.)

 

For example, I had intense depersonalization for several years. Early on, there were a few occasions where I did not even recognize the street where I lived for decades. One of these happened while I was driving. It was terrifying. But it did pass in a few minutes.

 

Gradually, over time, the sense of depersonalization gradually dissipated, like dark clouds getting lighter and lighter. Then, there was the day when I realized I felt fully present! What a great feeling that was.

 

Something similar happened with post-SSRI sexual dysfunction (PSSD). AT first, I felt complete genital anesthesia. In the first year, feeling gradually came back. Over the following years, sexual response gradually came back. Orgasm was absent, then faint, then intermittent. Now it's restored to close to normal, and libido is present (though not like it was; I'm menopausal).

 

There were many other symptoms that faded in the same way.

 

What has healing felt like for you?

 

Your description of a dark cloud slowly getting lighter is pretty much the way it has been for me.  I was healing more or less gradually for about 9-10 months before I smoked pot with a combination of adderall, and totally REVERSED all healing that took place - it was like the clouds had begun to clear when all of a sudden a STRONG thuderstorm just overtook my life.  That thunderstorm is now slowly dissipating but it's still much darker than it was 13 months ago before I smoked the pot while coming down from adderall.

 

I haven't had too many windows, mostly just gradual improvement.  DP/DR has gotten much better but I still feel high as a kyte and out of it quite often. 

 

I expect the thunderstorm to continue to clear in the coming years, but I completely expect this condition to last for a very long time.  I'll definitely let everyone know when I get my first long window.

 

Thanks for the post.

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oskcajga

I remember (with 12 step help) healing like this: Holy "beeeep". I feel ridiculously and criminally amazballs. I looked around for the proverbial other shoe - to drop on my head...for someone to tell me I am behaving manically to the degree I needed to be in hospital...for the feeling to run off with the circus.

 

I have my challenges, though many of my posts do not reflect it all that often. 

 

I also find being of service to those struggling in a place I have been in and overcame to be a great healer for more than just myself, but esp to see where I was...and now am....and heading. 

 

 

This is honestly how I predict it will feel once I've recovered from this nerve damage.  I'll feel too good, like I've encountered a manic phase or something, while in reality this is just how many people feel every single day.  Currently, I've been so extremely depersonalized and damaged from my former state for so long, it will feel strange to not want to die every single day.  I used to look to the future as a bright and amazing thing that will be enjoyable and worthwhile, and I think that will someday come back.    I've had a couple of extremely short windows where I felt like this for a minute or two at a time, but nothing much since then - but during the windows I felt like all of a sudden all of my mental functions flooded back into my brain, and it was quite overwhelming.  I just felt like I had so much energy, and that all my limbs and face and everything felt like "mine", not like a part of my body that's hanging on like a chunk of dead weight.

 

I remember feeling good most of the time, and that life consisted of "pleasurable and less pleasurable things", but everything was pleasant and meaningful.  It's been a long time since I've felt like that, but I have hope that when it does come I'll be a much more mature and wise person that will not squader away my time and take much more advantage of my time than ever before.

 

Good post.

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manymoretodays

I know.  Time keeps flying by and I keep going through these repetitive cycles.......at least much less intense but still.  Wish we could stop the clocks for a few weeks or something.  Currently obsessing again on the state of my nest......and yard.......and car.  But can't make a plan because I never know what the next day will bring and I feel broke.  I mean I don't want to spend any savings.  And don't know how to do stuff like I used to........like hire someone to do anything.

 

I did practice idle conversation while out and did just fine.  The monastery is telling me just to forget about repairs and fix ups right now and go out more.  Yah, yah.....I will check the car ASAP but can put air in the low tire and pour in more oil in the meantime.

 

Trying to stay in the "right now".  Turquoise is a nice color and maybe more rain soon.  It's good not to feel driven/urgent about anything.........but then it hits again......just not as bad.  Like "hello driven/urgent......nice to see you again.......sorry you can not stay around for tea or anything".    Something I read on beyondmeds and oh.....there is a good "f--k you kind of brief meditation for anger".  At least I think it was about that.

 

I had a holy "beeeeep" couple of hours or more yesterday.  I feel like I kind of lost my enthusiasm and talked myself out of it today but it is probably more complicated than that.   Or maybe not?

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Sheri755

What an encouraging thread!!

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Fightingawar
On 2/11/2014 at 2:20 AM, Petunia said:

What does healing feel like to me?

 

Its like waking suddenly at 6am with my mind fully alert, body tense and shaking on the inside as fearful thoughts start to roll along, one after another, reminding me that I'm still broken, today isn't going to be the day my life is fixed.  But then at some point I realize that I have just slept through the entire night, when that wasn't always the case.  I remember the nights when I would wake at 3am, 4am and 5am and not be able to go back to sleep, those nights are rare now.

 

There are those days where I'm feeling slightly better and I push myself to do a few of the things I need to do, but then suddenly feel exhausted, So I lay down and fall asleep.  Then wake up suddenly, not knowing where I am or what day it is.  Then I remember, look at the time and realize that I have been asleep for a whole hour, during the day, two months ago that wasn't possible.  Up until very recently, my body has been hyper-stimulated during the day and unable to fall asleep, it must be starting to settle down.

 

Healing from withdrawal is like spending the morning feeling so bad I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to take it, but I hang on and get through each moment, trying to find things to distract me, to occupy my terrified mind and keep it calm until suddenly, I find myself outside raking up leaves in the sun and I realize it doesn't feel as bad as the last time I raked leaves.

 

I come inside and jump in the shower with only slight hesitation.  Then half way through washing my hair realize that a year ago, it took me several days to build up the 'courage' to get myself in the shower, and that the fear I felt through the whole process had been overwhelming.  Now there is no fear during the actual process of showering, only some frustration because of the slow running drain and coming to terms with the reality that one of these days I'm going to have to handle calling a plumber.... but not today.

 

Healing from withdrawal feels like not healing at all and being certain that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life and wondering if I'm going to have the strength to endure it.  But then finding myself driving in my car, completely relaxed, not worried about anything, remembering how at first, driving anywhere caused a continual state of panic until I got back home. I would put things off for days if I could, just so I could avoid the added stress.  Now, there is some residual fear associated with driving, caused by the memory of actually having to do it in such an intense state of fear, but once I get in the car, I relax.  It wasn't driving which caused the fear, the fear was there anyway.  A secondary fear was created out of the horrendous experience of having to drive around while being in a state of panic, I don't recommend it.

 

Healing is like feeling really awful and believing that its just getting worse and worse, until I think back carefully or read back through my thread or journal and see the truth about just how bad it was, compared to now.  It only seems like its getting worse.  Maybe its because its been going on so long, its wearing me down and wearing me out.

 

Healing is like walking backwards somewhere with your eyes closed.  You have no idea where you are heading, and you don't know where you have been until you get somewhere else and open your eyes for a few moments and look back towards where you came from.  Then you close them again and keep going.

 

Sometimes healing feels like I am standing still while the rest of the world races by, leaving me behind, and I panic.  But then I calm down and notice that no one is going anywhere.  Everyone else is racing around and around in circles and I'm sitting calmly and peacefully in the center, knowing that everything I need is right here.

 

 

Wow this is exactly how it is, I cried and cried reading this

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)

❤️  Tis.  Beautiful, eh?   Love you Petunia!

I'm glad you got to release some tears, Fighting.

 

Well, I've been post zero now since December 2016.

 

........Healing feels good. 

Life can sometimes be difficult on the other side though.......something I have learned.  It's not always fair....... yet we learn to accept, and go on, and have faith.  I mean I am thankful I have an "other side" to consider now.  Some folks never get to learn this stuff.  This before and after psych care, or some of these medications thing.  I kind of feel "lucky".  A lot of good experiences along the way.  Both sides.  Truly.

 

Not what I ever planned though.  So much for all that.  Planning and conforming.  Although, if I say so myself........I conform.  Maybe I'm unconventional.  Yes, that sounds better.  I have had to go way out of my comfort zone sometimes.  And can.  Wow.  It works and helps and keeps me thriving.

 

I can choose now........and shift my perspective/perception.    Well, I can't always choose joyous but I CAN choose to shift.  And then do so.  Out into the light or even half light.  The "middle road" so to speak.  Not always as quick as I'd like to but soon enough.  Much sooner than when I was medicated....... and thought I had a bonafide fixed point "illness".

I have tools to use to do this as well.  To help me shift.  And a much........oh so much stronger Spiritual sense of things(NOT religion mind you, although that is okay too).  A guide maybe.  Which now lives within me.  And a few people, supports if you will........ever changing........but people........and respect and compassion for others........then it comes back......you know?

 

I've been through a lot of very difficult stuff since I finally arrived here at surviving.  I think I do better at Life in general than ever before.  Oh, not perfect.......just better.

 

It's a good feeling.  Healing.

 

I have to be honest though and tell you.........if I presented myself to a Dr. of any kind, especially shrink, or even most therapists(I have one still on file)........during my initial coping "mess of a self" period(when hard stuff happens now).........B)  I mean I just don't go there, do that anymore........depend on a Dr., or Shrink, or even therapist to fix me, when times are hard.  It's usually just crying or lack of focus due to transient intense feelings.  Or wanting to avoid again.  Or isolate.........oh boy, that one never does ME any good.  Or fall back on the discipline that I have to keep.......eating right, exercise, chores, etc.  The good things.......more self discipline and chores.

 

It's a great feeling.  Healing.

 

Idk.  It feels good even when Life throws me.......Healing.

 

Love, peace, healing/inrecovery, and growth,

manymoretodays

Edited by manymoretodays

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FarmGirlWorks
13 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

I can choose now........and shift my perspective/perception.    Well, I can't always choose joyous but I CAN choose to shift.  And then do so.  Out into the light or even half light.  The "middle road" so to speak.  Not always as quick as I'd like to but soon enough.  Much sooner than when I was medicated

@manymoretodays, that is exactly what I've been cultivating recently -- the middle road, the neutral mind. Kundalini yoga is talking about that lately and I finally can hear it. In fact, I was thinking myself into excitement the other day and I realized fast that it was just a way not to despair. But then I went to the neutral mind to calm down that yo-yo effect. It is new to me and definitely will take LOTS of practice. Like a lifetime or so 😉

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manymoretodays
Posted (edited)

B)  Well yah......I reckon we get all the time we need. 

I don't know much about Kundalini yoga.........yet.  So many paths.........all leading the same way.  And awesomeness to you today!

Oh, the "middle path" and the good red road.  The good red road goes with recovery and of course recovery is healing.  And I hope it's a Native American term.  And thank you for the in or outgoing for us in Inipi/sweat lodge style @FarmGirlWorks

Edited by manymoretodays

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