success ☼ scottly9999: Lexapro nightmare

[scottly9999]

Hi All

Update time.

The emotions of the infatuation seem to be dwindling - which is mostly a blessing, although a slightly miss the slight buzz from it all!!

Have been getting small glimpses of feeling NORMAL - like hang on, I remember this!!!

It's just there, coming back... but it's there.

It's in these moments that I realize HOW anxious and depressed and empty I've felt a LOT - all vaguely there and mostly in the background... with a nervous energy to try and escape it.

escaping those horrible feelings is just the other side of the same coin.

This feels like the coin isn't there.

Just fairly relaxed... still worried about little things in life, but at a CORE level in my being feels "Better" more "whole" ... and much more like before SSRI's - less of the "zombie feeling" - which I didn't feel described how I felt on SSRI's - again until i'm getting better...

You really lose all perspective on SSRI's and ESPECIALLY in withdrawal.

 

Reeally feeling like I'm on the tail end of my journey out of SSRI poopout hell AND withdrawal... 2 years + into my taper.... phew.

STILL not there yet, but really feel like I'm getting there.

 

For all those looking for a quick fix - there isn't one - just TIME and PATIENCE with yourself.

 

I'll keep posting for anybody who reads this post - and I hope it inspires somebody out there - when you're feeling so lost.

[LexAnger]

I am that he as always looking for hope from your great success and inspiration!

 

I really want to congratulate you scottly, even there is still tiny bit ahead to finish!bim so happy for you!!

 

One quick question, have you felt much congnitive issue during your taper, especially at lower doses?

 

Are you still at 0.4 mg?

 

 

Lex

[scottly9999]

Hi Lex...

My cognitive functions have been returning to normal - more and more the lower I go.

ALthough it's VERY easy to feel exhausted or very tired - and it then feels my brain reverts to "poop out" feeling quite fast.

Yes, still at 0.4mg

Thinking I might goto 0.2mg very soon.

 

Thanks for the congrats!!!!!  Still got more to go, still a few weeks / months to go - PLUS then there is the fun and games of finally being off and then the possibility of more WD's!??  Not sure, but I really feel like I'm seriously getting there now.

Hopefully you will be there soon enough too!

I see in your sig you're at 1.3mg - thats excellent progress - seeing that you had SO MUCH TROUBLE for so long.

I've felt that the hardest part is the 4mg - 1mg area

I think that is around the dose that really rapidly loses it's effects..

Although as posts have pointed out, you might not be feeling the effects anymore, doesn't mean your nervous system isn't still dependant in some way.

 

Thanks for the kind words again Lex!!

[LexAnger]

Thank you kindly Scottly for sharing your experience and wisdom!

 

You have been doing fabulous and I know how strong you have been getting to where you are now even you seldomly mention much about the hardship. Your success is a victory for all of us!

 

I believe you will make the wisest decision about the final line. Still a while for that so might just relax and live the current time.

 

Thank you for the encouragement! Yeah, I pushed very hard tapering fast even with constant and severe symptoms, for the drug reaction concern.

 

You have been a great aspiration during my taper, and I thank you for that!

 

Looking forward to hear more graet updates from you!

Lex

[scottly9999]

Hi Guys.

Just replying to the kind comments left on my thread - thanks guys!!!

Yep - it seems easier at the lower end of the scale - but I really slowed right down with my decreases - in both amount of decrease, and length of holds.

My baseline has improved so much.

Still get headaches, and tired - not everything will be just WD and SSRI's... but really for the first time in YEARS and YEARS I can feel it finally leaving my system.

I thought I would have felt this effect at doses like 4-5mg, but clearly not.

 

Hi Lex - I def have had real struggles during my journey... I felt so lost and confused at the beginning - as I've now learnt that my "poop out" was really my brain pooping out - and not the drug.

It was like my nervous system finally gave up it's resistance to the daily poision...

Which is why I was like "something is REALLY wrong with me...." and my normal resilience was not working, non existent..

I was in a haze, and lost, rudderless.

I couldn't think straight - and even when I DID feel like I might have been thinking straight - it wasn't really.

 

It's so true - you cannot trust yourself - esp in WD.

Taking the analogy of "waves" for bad symptoms, it really feels like you can drown in them - I was suicidaly depressed in my waves - like sitting in the chair watching my family - not thinking they'd be better off without me - but wanting to do anything to stop the crushing depression and pain.

I NEVER felt like that in my normal life before SSRI's.

I cannot stress how much HURT and turmoil these drugs (I can hardly call them that) have caused me... JUST in the 2+ years it's taken for my taper - plus the years of questioning my own sanity in the years leading to it...

I wish I knew what I was going to feel like on these drugs, what affect they would have on me.

 

I guess ultimately I've been quite lucky with my journey too.

ALSO keep in mind that there must be 100,000's of thousands of people on these drugs that have quit successfully, but due to human nature, just don't feel a need to "vent" their success on forums like these!!

Hence why I've thought it vital that I post my GOOD news stories too.

 

I'm really glad that people seem to be getting something positive out of it.

 

When I started my taper, I NEVER thought it would ever end - the confusion, the blankness, the numbness, the fog - will it ever go?

How LONG will it take?

Surely I can to quicker than the recommendation???

 

I've still got a bit to go, but the bumps are much smoother and easier to ride out.

I'll probably goto 0.2mg in the next few days or week.

[LexAnger]

I read your last post three times. You truly described all aspects of this incredible journey so well! I'm tearful FEELING all those emotions and with the last one, overwhelming joy for you!

 

This calls for a huge celebration, for the life event of being reborn! God, no one can understand or even believe it if not going through by oneself.

 

Take good care and be well continuously,

 

a big hug for the accomplishment!

 

Lex

[scottly9999]

Hi Lex!!!!!

 

THANK YOU HEAPS!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm really pleased that it's giving you SUCH HOPE and inspiration.

It really seems that each of us has our own schedule of repair from these drugs.

Its something that can't be seen on an X-Ray or ANY form of monitoring... and daily it changes too.

 

Also Lex being this far along in my taper and withdrawal has given much a LOT MORE clarity and perspective, which is just sadly lacking when you're stuck in withdrawal hell...

 

I wanted to say on my comment on the analogy of the waves with withdrawal..

it feels like the waves are getting lower and lower - a LOT like the beach... at first you're adrift in open water - no land, no ocean floor to see, rudderless... directionless.

as the withdrawal takes place, you get DRAGGED towards the shoreline, - slowly - so slow it looks worse... the waters churn, you go under a few times...

and sometimes you get dragged over sharp coral beneath the water...

You look and "is that land I can see???? or a mirage?"

 

I've been back and forth with the waves and even TIDE so much...

and the last few weeks, it feels as if my feet have finally found the sand underneath and I'm starting to stand up and get closer and closer to the beach...

And SAME as the beach - the waves turn into BREAKERS closer to the shore - this represents the 2-5mg dosage of Lexapro to me.

 

The waves are still lapping at my feet and legs, but I can see the end goal.

I feel like I'll recover fully from this.

 

I still get tired easily - and when I do, the numbness returns a bit more than it should... it's like my brain has bad habits from the last 8 or so years.

 

AGAIN - this could just be a window, and I might get sucked out in a RIP - and be further away than I think.

But for now, I'm enjoying it - whatever it is.

Feels normal and drug free (just about fully - not quite)...

 

I'm starting to care a bit more about stuff, the sort of stuff I'd normally care about.

 

Thanks again LEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You've done ever so well too, now at 1.3mg............. GO SLOW, that brought me so much more relief.

[LexAnger]

 

 

That's a brilliant analogy! I had three accidents in ocean before and now can relate to those experience with the tapering.

 

standing on the ground means control! That's the real starting of getting oneself back!

 

Having your success gives me great hope, confidence and direction, and I believe it does to everyone else too.

 

Even there is still bumps ahead, you will be stronger and stronger and the worst nightmare is behind forever! Nothing else would be a big deal after what you survived.

 

Enjoy every minute of your so well deserved normal life!

[scottly9999]

HI All.

 

Ok - Since Friday have had a fairly sudden dip in mood... nothing HUGE, but enough that it's been bothersome.

I can tell it's a wave, as it permeates through whatever you're thinking, you can't seem to budge it... and it came on quickly.

By Friday night was quite depressed... and very tired.

THursday night was bad for sleep.

Slept about 10-11 hours Friday night - and was still not good Saturday.

Weather here was like middle of winter - freezing cold, wave after wave of hail and heavy rain... had to call off planned work to chop down branches.... which took months to lock in mates.

Not that either of those things would NORMALLY trigger a low mood for me.

What also wasn't good, daughter was bored.. and wife wasn't well, and PMT - along with IBS.........

So a bit of a perfect storm of grumpy and MEH at home...

By Sunday evening things were getting better though...

Played a few table top games with family and watched a great TV show.

However during the night - I was vividly dreaming (however as per normal - no recollection of what they were), but felt OVERWHELMING feeling of depression...

No idea why - woke up like it, and couldn't shake it again...

It's slowly eased during the day - have felt a bit tearful though...

It's slightly better than it was.

 

I positive it's a wave, and just a sign of healing.

 

I was doing really well for quite a while.

It's def different at the lower doses for sure..

Still holding at 0.4mg for now.

 

i've got a big work trip coming up in about 2 weeks (and will be mingling with the crush again....)

It's not that triggering this - pending trip.

It came on very suddenly - which is usually the sign of a wave.

It'll pass soon enough - as they always do.

 

Thanks HEAPS for your lovely comments Lex!!

[LexAnger]

Oh well, it's just a reminder that the journey is not yet completely over yet, as we already knew. But still very difficult especially after a nice long window.

 

I'm glad your positive awareness of it being the healing process. That always helps, like you observe outside of the event.

 

Anothe nice reminder is, one less wave ahead, one step closer to all parts back to their normal function!!

 

I'm sure we will hear your good update soon again!

[scottly9999]

Hi All.

Time for an update.

It's been a while!

Not a HUGE amount to comment on - mostly same same.

Although I've had a few mood dips - which don't seem to be based on anything specific.

I noticed that the last few days I've been hit with a bit of fatigue, and some body aches and tingles in legs - only just now have I seen it for quite likely WD.

Mood had dipped and struggles to improve.  Again another classic sign of WD is that your mood rarely responds to things I can throw at it to shift it.

It's not particularly bad, but annoying enough..

I have my work trip in next 2 days - away for 5 nights - and I will be mingling with the crush again.

She has been a bit excited about me coming over.

I'm excited about the trip in general... but still mood is a bit stubbornly low.

ALso noticed my mental thinking these last 3 or so days has been VERY foggy again.

And noticed last 2 days in particular sitting with people struggling to think of stuff to talk about - mind quite blank..

 

I think it's another wave - no other real explanation.

 

Rotten stuff.

 

I've decided to drop to 0.2mg

I could do with the little boost I get each drop for the next week.

 

I'm wondering if I held too long at 0.4mg - which I've been at for a few months now.

 

Either way - if I look back on 1 year and 2 years ago, I'm in a better place.

[LexAnger]

How are you doing, scottly?

[scottly9999]

Hi Everybody

 

In my update, I decided to goto 0.2mg

Well, in 2 days I had horrible body aches in arms and mostly legs.

And just generally quite quickly fairly unwell.

I took 0.2mg that night - and by the next day back to 0.4mg

I didn't have time for WD.

 

My interstate trip was VERY busy - and VERY exhausted... they always are.

Long days.

I felt pretty crappy - like a cold or sinus infection or something for the first few days - plus jetlag...

By the time I got back, I'd lost a bit of weight, and was completely zonked for the plane trip home (barely even remember it!!)

It went very well though from a work perspective, and a personal perspective.

 

I spent a lot of time with the lady of - ha ha - feel awkward even saying it now...

LOTS of teasing and joking around, not much actual conversation.

A few very awkward moments, but generally a positive and pleasant experience.

I've come away much more settled too - was like I needed that one more trip to put it in it's place properly.

It's nice.

Ahhhhhhhh :-)

 

As far as WD go - apart from almost crippling fatigue, almost non existent

JUST as I got over the exhaustion, I've come down with a crappy cold.

Underlying those is very stable emotions and steady as she goes.

 

Once I fully recover from my cold, and feel strong enough, I"ll try 0.2mg again... but not for a little while.

 

I've been having a few more moments (fleeting but slightly stronger and longer lasting) of NOT FEELING LIKE I"m MISSING SOMETHING.

It's not that I'm happier, just more fleshed out.

It's a very difficult thing to explain.

 

I'm booked in for a sleep study in a few more weeks so hopefully if that is the cause of my fatigue, I can tackle that too.

Fatigue seems to be the only thing thats really bothering me at the moment... which is great.

 

Longer holds is the key.

Why do we all feel like we're different or able to go quicker than everybody else?

WHY do we treat it like a race???

Not sure - but I'm not now.

 

Hope everybody else has positive stories to tell!

[AliG]

Hey Scott. Please take it easy. It sounds like you have had a lot on your plate. Give yourself some time." No hurry worry". If you have a cold you need to go even slower and that's not even taking into account the " emotional " extras.

You seem to have a bit of that going on as well.

Go slow. It's not a race.

Ali

[scottly9999]

Hi Guys.

Small update - well, just touching base, more than an update.

AliG - I'm not rushing anything - I've been at 0.4mg for a long time.

Def had a lot going on very busy - was busy enough that I actually lost a little weight - and then got struck with this cold.

It's clearing now.

Emotionally have been very stable, no mood swings at all.  Slightly flat, but in a more normal type of way.

Still getting that feeling of "waking up" which is really nice.

It's like my nervous system is slowly catching up from probably a lot of quick and big drops in the past...

I do wonder how much 0.4mg is really doing or how much effect it has, can I even stop at that dose??

 

I feel that I do get VERY tired very easily and fatigue is the big problem for me.

I'm booked into sleep clinic soon for a sleep study - as I do have an issue with snoring.

Can't blame SSRI's for ALL my problems!  ha.

 

Since the "crush" thing has really settled down (not completely) my focus is settling down a bit more too - it's quite relieving.

 

If anybody is reading, what was the dose of Lexapro you stopped at??

[LexFree]

Hello Scottly,

 

I am close to stopping, am at 0.4. Want to follow this for replies on when others have stopped.

 

You are very close as well. Please keep us posted of your progress.

 

Thank you....LexFree

[flatrock]

I just want to say that I'm sorry you've been going through this. I don't have any advice for you, except to be gentle with yourself. That's been my mantra for myself this week, so I'm passing it along to you. (((hugs)))

[LexFree]

Hi Scotty,

 

Overall I've been doing fairly well. Planning to strip after I get down to .2 and on that dose for about two to three weeks. Will be reducing this weekend as I will be on .4 for three weeks by then.

I just. curious as to when others stopped Andre doing well.

 

Thank tou for your reply. Best,...LexFree

[LexFree]

Hi FSL,

 

I am thinking along the same line. Am using liquid and times don't see much in the syringe. Read to go slow when down so low, there are many different takes on this. I guess I'll stay the course I've set for myself to see what happens. Thank you for your input.

 

LexFree

[bubble]

Well, catnap reinstated at only 0.3 mg I think and it has made a huge difference.

 

You can also check out Lobster. Can't really remember at what dose he dropped but was hit by WD and reinstated I think 0.05 mg.

[LexFree]

Hi Bubble,

 

I will check out their signatures if they've posted the drop off dose and when they stopped.

 

Do you know how the are doing?

 

Catnap and Lobster, if you are reading this, please let us know how you are doing. Thank you in advance.

 

Thank you Bubble for your response.

 

LexFree

[LexAnger]

As one of the lex folks, I felt I should chime in, but sincerely I don't know what to say. What I believe is the universal rule we all know about already, tart each individual is so different. As an example, I have huge difficulties in dropping 1% of my 1.2mg liquid which is about 0.01 mg. so I know by heart that tiny amount is still powerful in the play.

 

Others like LexFree has had little or now issues for her fast taper so far, FSL and Scotty are in the norms as well.

 

But giving your recent experience with the 0.2 mg drop, I would guess 0.2mg is still a significant dose for you. If so, I wouldn't think of jumping off at doses greater than that.

 

In general, unless the technic part of cutting is an issue, why not to be a bit more cautious and patient for a few months and go slower.

Again, everyone is so different, I believe each of us has the best judgment for own situation after years playing with the dose.

 

Hope all are coping well.

Lex

[scottly9999]

Hi Lex!

 

Thanks everybody else for the comments too!

Very helpful - and sooo frustrating that SO MANY PEOPLE are trapped in these holding patterns of tapering and withdrawal..

 

I feel that my tapering has been slow enough - and my current ailments are just "life", nothing really to do with WD.

However, as WD will likely bring on a few more uncomfortable effects, I need to get my strength back up before attempting a drop.

I'll try 0.2mg - as it's the next lowest notch on the oral syringe, and impossible to measure it any smaller.

Again - not sure if the WD I felt was something else.

 

I'll try.

 

I have an appointment with GP to get a repeat - wish me luck trying to explain this AGAIN................

Can't wait for it to be over, but I'm close now, and in a much better place than even 6 months ago.

Trying to enjoy myself as much as possible on the way through.

[Happy2Heal]

Well, catnap reinstated at only 0.3 mg I think and it has made a huge difference.

 

You can also check out Lobster. Can't really remember at what dose he dropped but was hit by WD and reinstated I think 0.05 mg.

 

 

actually bubble, it was me who reinstated at 0.05 initially, and am now at 0.3mgs/day  ;-)  (although I don't know, maybe Lobster reinstated at 0.05 too? I'll have to find that thread)

 

 

I had jumped off in May at 2.5mgs and ended up crashing badly in Sept/ Oct (although it had been coming for awhile and I just didn't see the signs)

I was afraid to reinstate but did so at 0.05mgs and I felt relief for the physical tension I was having in just 4hrs

 

so even 1/20th of a mg is able to exert a powerful effect. I did quickly updose for a few days, and then again er, about a week or so later? I forget, it's in my signature though. I also just made a tiny decrease of 0.05mgs per day about a week ago. Yes I know, I know!! I'm an idiot LOL

 

I have now landed at 0.3 mgs per day in divided doses (0.15 BID) and the difference from where I was a month ago, or even really just 10 days ago, is nothing short of amazing.

 

I have some mild waves thru out the day, usually related to stress or what I'm eating, it seems.

But keep in mind, I am not working and have a fairly stress free life overall right now. I am sure it would be different if my life situation was different!

 

 

 

it's been 36 days since reinstating and I am very glad that I didn't reinstate at 1mg as was suggested. Somehow I just knew that would be too much.

I figured, start low, and see what happens. I could always go up a bit if needed, right?

 

I got some immediate relief, but not enough to pull me out of the really bad stuff (you'll have to read my thread to find out how bad it was, I can't go back there myself right now)

I updosed to see if I'd get more relief, but then at a certain point  I seemed to have "over shot" the "sweet spot" when things got worse, so I quickly backed down again

 

I plan to hold at 0.3 mgs til the first of the year and then do a slow taper, as is outlined in my thread.

 

Scotty, you are doing great!

I will be following this thread to see  how things go for you. Please do continue to take your time and be easy on yourself.

 

this isn't a race! it's about quality of life and letting our brain take all the time it needs to heal

 

wishing you continued healing

[scottly9999]

Hi everybody!  (Hi Dr Nick....)

Ok...

 

Update time - it's been a while.

 

Generally - emotionally very stable, some slight dips in mood, last anywhere from a few hours to a part of a day, but generally clear themselves up quickly and go as quickly as they come.

 

Overall, fatigue has been my constant companion.

I got my sleep study done the other week, but had a rotten night sleep with all the electrodes and wires and big device attached.

It wasn't comfortable at all.

My follow up appointment was pushed out until late Jan... so have a while to wait until I find out what the go is.

 

Again - mood - fine.

mostly been feeling like I'm still getting stronger on the inside, like a return to ME... no ups anymore - which is good.

 

The "crush" thing has settled down quite nicely - not emotionally involved anymore.

 

Overall, I'm doing really really well.

It feels like I'm still sort of having waves and windows from all the previous rapid drops...

the waves SEEM to sort of last longer, but are FAR LESS intense... and really is mostly 80% fatigue really.

A SLIGHT feeling of de-realiziation, but I have to concentrate to recognize it.

 

Its really hard to put into words really, but an increased feeling of being more ME and more HERE is really the only way I can describe it.

 

Background anxiety has really disappeared now - it was quite strong, and didn't even realize it.

 

I don't have that nervous energy which was driving me before, it feels more natural now.

It was nice to have that energy - but it was coming from a place of weird emotions.

 

I'm still at 0.4mg, and as I'm feeling a bit stronger, will look at dropping to 0.2mg in the new year, after Xmas.

 

Really isn't a lot to report really, but that in itself is a good thing!

 

Over and out.

Hope everybody has a lovely Christmas time and stays safe!!!

[Happy2Heal]

what a great update Scotty!!

I just reduced my dose from 0.15 twice a day  (0.3mgs/day) to 0.14 twice a day (0.28mgs/day) I'm about 9 days in so far and doing ok.

 

still have waves but small ones and nearly every day is, in some ways, better than the day before.

 

I can relate to that feeling more "me" thing, too, I feel more and more like I'm getting back in my body and just being more myself.

 

I sometimes wonder if this tiny bit that I'm taking is doing anything at all- and if I could just stop now and be ok, but since things are going so well, I'm not eager to rock the boat.

 

I hope your next update is as good or better, even, than this one!

[LexAnger]

Scottly, thought you were thinking to drop to 0.2mg, what made you holding?

 

Cheers, lex folks! Quick stop by for a party here, sorry for hi jacking your thread scottly.

 

Happy to hear that everyone is doing good!

Me too getting my brain back with super fast taper ( 1% cut everyday) now at 0.9 mg, handling tons of stress from work etc. challenging but handling. Still physical symptoms and OCD triggered by the huge stress but can live with the brain working.

[scottly9999]

Hi All

I thought it was about time for another update.

 

Haven't change my dose much - I'm about 2-3 weeks into a drop to 0.2mg

Over Xmas I had a bit of a mood dip - but it seems to be a common thing for me at that time of year.

Slight background.

I'm an only child - my father was an only child - and came to Australia with his Mum and Dad - remaining family back in Scotland.

Mum had 1 sister and 2 brothers.

Her sister never had kids - and died 20 years ago.

1 brother that is local, never had kids either, still alive, but heavily involved in his own social circles inner city.

other brother went to north queensland and never heard from again.

there are a few cousins, but really not much - the entire family stopped with me - also an only child.

 

Compounding this is my wife is from UK - I brought her back with me.

 

When my father died 5 years ago, I had to put Mum into a nursing home - she's a LOT OF HARD WORK, with personality disorders, mental health, and just generally not pleasant.

I do NOT have her over for Xmas lunch - and as mortified a lot of people will be - the reason is she will just argue with me about various topics, wanting to eat food she can't, smoke constanlty, and her incontience.

It's a very long story - and I don't have time to justify it here, but I KNOW I have made the right decision for me.

In the few years since Dad died - we did our best to include Mum in Xmas - but instead of listening to my daughter tell her about her presents she got - or show ANY level of interest, she insisted on talking OVER my daughter as to how she doesn't want to die here...

Next Xmas - she angrily accused me of stealing all her money - in front of the kids - again trying to muster excitement for her for Xmas day.

 

I decided nope - not having it.
i'll visit on Xmas eve, but thats it.

 

however, the end result is no aunts or uncles or cousins of direct family to share Xmas with - it's just the 4 of us at home.

We have quite a nice group of friends, but during that immediate period they are all extremely busy with all their own families..

so it gets a bit "cabin fever" in a way...

It something i'll have to work on - once off SSRI's - as being on SSRI's really doesn't FIX any depression or anxiety - it makes you just not care... and makes your thinking VERY lazy.

 

Once I was past that - I thought about going down a dose to 0.2mg - but doing it as gradual as possible, over 1-2 weeks...

I got a few mild tingles, and a few mood swings, but what is different this time, is they come on much faster and quicker, hang around less, and disappear again... sometimes in 1-2 days.

Which feels more like my normal self... have a low mood, but passes quickly.

 

The OTHER BIG news item for me - is I had the follow up appointment after the sleep study in December.

They detected severe obstructive sleep apnea - which is no surprise... as I snore like a rusty chainsaw being dragged behind a cranky old tractor on a bumpy gravel road...

Even with the terrible sleep I had, what sleep I got, was detected and oxygen levels weren't good - they DIPPED as LOW as 80%!!!!

BUT mostly hovering around 90% - which still isn't good.

 

Anyway - they immediately got me a hire of a CPAP machine - fitted me up with a nasal pillow mask - went through all the settings etc...

logged into an account, can monitor my sleep and readings from my phone.

 

I've taken to it like a duck to water.. the very first day - although I did have a slightly more disturbed sleep... SO MUCH DREAMING!!!!!!!!

And felt more alert - like I haven't for a LONG time during the day - not perfect, but much much better...

also the ability to stay up a bit later now too.

I've had it for about 11 days - and already I would say I'd struggle to sleep without one.

They aren't cheap though, but I need it... for sure.

 

Have been getting adjustment headaches, but generally feeling so good, that SSRI withdrawal almost feels like a past thing for me.

I feel I've stabilized at 0.2mg - but will give it a few more weeks - having a low mood day today - but thats normal from time to time right???

I can feel I'll bounce back.

 

I had a bit of a falling out with some work collegues last week too... a bit of bullying and isolation, but nipping it in teh bud.

Still haven't been apologized to, and unfriended some people - unfortunately I need to work with these people day to day.

 

But overall, doing much better - again, today isn't a good day - had a late night up watching the Tennis mens final.

But feeling more resilient, and like I'm getting somewhere.

[ChessieCat]

Hi Scottly,

 

What a wonderful update!!!  It sounds like you are doing really well and listening (and obeying) your body.

 

Regarding your mum, I understand, and I am sure others here do too.  Please don't feel guilty about it.  You have to do what is right for you and your family.  A toxic relationship (whether family or "friend") is not healthy for anyone.

 

Good news about the CPAP improving your sleep.  If you have noticed improvement after only 11 days, I imagine that overall you will start to feel so much better as your body starts to respond to the oxygen and the restorative sleep.

 

And wow!!!  0.2mg so close, but please be patient.  You will get there.

[LexAnger]

Finally hear you back!

I totally agree with chessiecat about relationship! After this traumatic experience, the one lessons learned hardest way is, take care of yourself first.

 

Good for you doing great holding at 0.2mg. Believe it or not, I'm side by side with you on that,not my choice though, had to jump due to severe reaction. Still hanging in, glad didn't crash completely.

 

Lex

[scottly9999]

HELLO!!

 

Long time and no update...

 

Unfortuatlye for me - about 3- weeks ago, my mother passed away quite suddenly while in the nursing home.

Although she wasn't very well at all, it was still sudden and a bit of a shock.

MOre so as I was away interstate for work!!!!

I quickly flew back home and did the usual processes for a funeral etc.

However, due to not having much family AT ALL and the nature of her last 6-7 years we decided to have more of a memorial type service in a park.

in a nice open space, kids playing nearby - it seemed more fitting.

we got some friends to help setup tables, brought some food, and drinks.

We got a friend to be a celebrant and she spoke lovely, and I got up and talked too.

It was lovely, and informal, and really focused on the positive elements that made up Mum's early life and focused on the younger lady that was my Mum - before she was my Mum - and didn't focus on her issues or troubles.

We had a LOT of people come up after wards and say how refreshing it was, and that it really changed their conceptions of a funeral and a goodbye... and lots are seriously considering something simiilear in their own wills.

 

Anyway - it's been a strange process in the few weeks since.

I had sort of already mourned my mother years ago after her stroke, and limited remaining personality with all the mental health too.

 

So mourning her passing was strange... it wasn't the sense of relief at all... it really cemented a feeling of isolation and being alone now..

Being an only child and Dad's family being in the UK (And my Wife's all in the UK also) that really leaves Mum's side of the familhy.

Now Apparently the entire way we decided to remember Mum offended her only cousin so much she boycotted the entire process and we have fallen out over it... 

Not what you need at a time like that.

 

Overall, I'm still at 0.2mg of Lexapro, and was considering dropping at the end of my 2 week away work trip - but dealing with the loss of your mother and last parent is a bitter pill to swallow.

 

I have felt waves of isolation and loneliness.

I've had good support from friends... and the feeling isn't a real reflection of reality.

I can tell it's a slightly abnormal thoughts and feeling process I'm going through.

 

I guess I just need to give it time...

But for a few years now, I'm still having waves of emotions that aren't in my normal zone... feel like a teenager sometimes!!!

[nz11]

Thanks scottly for taking the time to update although im so sorry to read of the loss of your mother.

Sounds like you have some good friends at this time. What strange behaviour from a cousin.

 

Wow you are doing so well with the taper ....0.2 mg is almost there.

[Happy2Heal]

so sorry you lost your mom, that's hard.

 

I so admire your patience in going nice and slow

I am at 0.21 now myself and have decided to do a long hold once I hit 0.2  in mid to late May (depends on how I"m doing)

do you mind me asking, are you feeling mostly good or ok most of the time? (before you lost your mom, and outside of the feelings from that loss I mean)

[AliG]

Scott. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

 

Yes - maybe holding is a good plan right now . Hold until you feel stronger . It's perhaps not the right time to drop.

[scottly9999]

Hi Guys

 

Thanks for the comments.

H2H ... I found that yes I felt slowly more normal and less and less withdrawals the longer I was at 0.2mg

I remember a time in Jan when I was on 0.4mg and I missed my morning dose - by the afternoon I felt quite jittery - so it's a sign that it's still quite potent even as such a low dose.

I hope I get the more vivid feeling back though when I finally get off.

The feeling of something still missing or night quite right is still there though - but more subtle.

Ironically being on Lexapro I've never felt so unstable and out of touch of my emotions - and they don't bounce back - like they used to.

I used to be resilient.

I used to be just content most of the time - esp at home, now I feel meh and bored a lot.

 

BUT back to my answer - overall, if I look back over my 2.5 year withdrawal, it's much better at 0.2mg for sure!

 

I've just had a bad run of a few things happening over the last few months that have taken a bit of a toll on me - I'm trying to work out what pattern of thinking is leading me to be feeling low...

but it's hard.

 

Edited April 4, 2022 by ChessieCat
changed member name

[Happy2Heal]

thank you so much for taking the time to share those details, they are very helpful

 

like you, I felt mostly content when I was on the full dose of lexapro, but I was really wrapped up in my own little world. I was barely aware of anything outside of my most immediate surroundings.

 

I have not had that "warm- fuzzy" feeling in a long time, but it really *was* quite fuzzy. Now things are a lot clearer, and well, not quite as warm, I guess LOL  I'm more 'in' the real world, so I guess that accounts for not having the same kind of protected, cocooned feeling I had before.

Hard to explain!
 

maybe it's just because it's so DIFFERENT that it's not as comfortable, I don't know.

 

good to hear that things improve, though, thanks!!

 

I hope you find out what's made you feel a bit low- or better yet, I hope that mood or feeling has resolved and that by now, you're feeling a lot better