success ☼ scottly9999: Lexapro nightmare

[scottly9999]

54 minutes ago, powerback said:

It's not just depression, or anxiety.

It's a real crysis of the soul.

I so agree with these scorpio .nice post ,you have it worded  very well .

Hope you well today .

PB

 

Even on the better days. The soul feels empty still.  

I've had the rare occasional moment where it's been ok... But I also feel the current state of mind is 2 sides of the same coin... Where a good day is thoughts on the heads.. and bad day is tails.  Where if we weren't like this the coin wouldn't even be there.. does make any sense?  No pun Intended!!

[JenJen]

Scotty - I am 52 and have been on A/Ds since 30.  I did do CBT and I am thinking about doing it again.  I am also reading about neuro-plasticity and want to try that angle too.

 

Some days I can only say I feel like someone has thrown wet dirt on my soul.  Today is not a good day but OK.  I woke up with anxiety and sadness which is never a good sign.  I have tried to work on it but there is only so much I can do.  Sometimes I wonder if all the things I try are really just a distraction and I only think something is changing.  

 

[scottly9999]

8 hours ago, JenJen said:

Scotty - I am 52 and have been on A/Ds since 30.  I did do CBT and I am thinking about doing it again.  I am also reading about neuro-plasticity and want to try that angle too.

 

Some days I can only say I feel like someone has thrown wet dirt on my soul.  Today is not a good day but OK.  I woke up with anxiety and sadness which is never a good sign.  I have tried to work on it but there is only so much I can do.  Sometimes I wonder if all the things I try are really just a distraction and I only think something is changing.  

 

HI JenJen

 

I completely agree with that description of wet dirt on your soul!

Thats very descriptive.

 

I'm not a medical professional - just like everybody else here - finding our own way through the mess of withdrawal.

Learning and re-learning and questioning everything.

 

The only reason I was asking the questions, was I wanted to gauge how you feel you have done being on SSRI's of various types over the years?

Do you think you have benefitted?

 

Me personally, doing CBT would have been a total waste of time while ON SSRI's - as I just didn't care... I thought I cared at the time, but really I didn't.

Stuff just didn't matter - emotionally I was like WHATEVER.... but even about the GOOD stuff.

So a proper introspective analysis and doing CBT would be extremely difficult to do.

 

Did you try therapy and CBT before you were on SSRI's?

 

Have I read your signature correctly in that you tapered off 10mg of Lexapro in effectively 2 months???

wow!

Took me 2.5 years of keeping symptoms at bay with my taper - and even when I thought I was going slow, my massive crash at the end - which I'm still in has been horrifically bad.

 

[scottly9999]

Today I seem to be battling quite extreme self doubt...

Almost as if my inner soul / self doesn't exist, or is invalid or somethnig weird.

 

I seem to have moved on from longing and grief of my Dad - at the moment.

It really is as if my subconscious mind is rebuilding my entire catalog of painful and sad memories and experiences... and intends on me reliving them.

This lack of inner person, and sort of emptiness is by FAR the hardest thing to endure.

I want to do some mindful meditation, but I find sometimes the way it guides you to a peaceful place, to be unnerving, it's like I can't stand to be me - or in my own skin and mind.

Like I need a constant distraction...

 

Does that relate to anybody out there in W/D land??

 

[scottly9999]

Ok

Not a good day at all.

I just keep going around and around in my mind... That my life is a disaster.. that I'm doomed to be this way forever... Not so much the withdrawl.. but the way that my life is.

My lifestyle.

How empty my life feels.

How I can't stand to be by myself.. like I have no life.

My wife likes her own company and I'm climbing the walls to get away from myself.. it feels like I need to be surrounded by people...

And I ask myself who???

Who exactly would make me feel like I'm not a loser??

And I can't think of who could be around me that would make me feel better..

My mind keeps thinking of times I felt like this.. which is a few times... And twisting thoughts around and almost inserting yuck feelings into memories... So that it's as if I've felt this way forever!!

But I know I haven't.

 

I can't even quite out my finger on what exactly is defining my life as ****... Except for how I feel right now.

 

It's like I have my wife here now.. but not connected due to extreme depression and anhedonia... And the feeling of the empty darkness just at bay...

It's horrific.

 

Really struggling today...

 

:-(

 

It feels so intertwined with active thoughts and half memories... It feels real...

So hard to know if it's withdrawal!!!

 

[mona11]

I really understand how you feel. I've felt like this, many many times. I've been reading your posts and I wanted to tell you that you help me understand the way I feel. You are so strong and counscious. Please, hang in there, because it will get better. I'm sure it will. Much Love.

[scottly9999]

I seem to have had a little window today...

Woke up very depressed.

Had to do a little work for a co worker.

It's father's Day here.

Was really tired when I got up

Haven't had a good sleep for a while now.

Been waking early.

 

As the day progresses I was thinking g less and less about depressive things 

I watched the great escape this morning as is my right on father's Day.

It's always a given we will play a board game too on special days.  Which is good.

Got a dinner I really like.

Went for a walk with dogs.

Listens a bit more to you are the placebo audio book.

 

I had to try and fix dishwasher... And while doing it I had a thought of being on my own wouldn't be too bad... And sort of felt a bit of peace with that... Not completely but a fair bit better than normal.

I also started to feel more comfortable in my own skin and life situation.

Which is sort of confirmation that nearly all my emotion issues are being generated from my brain.

I wouldn't say I felt content but did feel a little bit of "ok this isn't too bad".. a little bit like what I've been worried about isn't really happening.

I actually almost wanted to play a computer game .. and we had dinner.

Then played board game.

The family had a good time.. although it was tinged with sadness over dad not being there to join in.. as that was the sort of thing we would have done regularly.

That started to sleep in more strongly.

 

It really is the brain sorting out emotions and memories and stuff that's happened while being on the drugs.

 

Today gave me a few hours of mild clarity that I needed.

 

Crazy old brain!!!

 

[powerback]

2 minutes ago, scottly9999 said:

I seem to have had a little window today...

Woke up very depressed.

Had to do a little work for a co worker.

It's father's Day here.

Was really tired when I got up

Haven't had a good sleep for a while now.

Been waking early.

 

As the day progresses I was thinking g less and less about depressive things 

I watched the great escape this morning as is my right on father's Day.

It's always a given we will play a board game too on special days.  Which is good.

Got a dinner I really like.

Went for a walk with dogs.

Listens a bit more to you are the placebo audio book.

 

I had to try and fix dishwasher... And while doing it I had a thought of being on my own wouldn't be too bad... And sort of felt a bit of peace with that... Not completely but a fair bit better than normal.

I also started to feel more comfortable in my own skin and life situation.

Which is sort of confirmation that nearly all my emotion issues are being generated from my brain.

I wouldn't say I felt content but did feel a little bit of "ok this isn't too bad".. a little bit like what I've been worried about isn't really happening.

I actually almost wanted to play a computer game .. and we had dinner.

Then played board game.

The family had a good time.. although it was tinged with sadness over dad not being there to join in.. as that was the sort of thing we would have done regularly.

That started to sleep in more strongly.

 

It really is the brain sorting out emotions and memories and stuff that's happened while being on the drugs.

 

Today gave me a few hours of mild clarity that I needed.

 

Crazy old brain!!!

 

Great news scottly cherish every second of it ,good for you ,fills us all with hope when others are getting windows ,makes it visible and known its totally possible and we never give in .

PB

[scottly9999]

13 minutes ago, powerback said:

Great news scottly cherish every second of it ,good for you ,fills us all with hope when others are getting windows ,makes it visible and known its totally possible and we never give in .

PB

It wasn't a full window but I'll take it.

Felt more natural and more from in myself as opposed to simply an elevated mood.

 

I should be able to feel perfectly content in my situation.

My brain is looking for all the reasons why I shouldn't be.. and this always anxiety or fear just lurking there..

That's slowly come back.

 

[powerback]

1 minute ago, scottly9999 said:

It wasn't a full window but I'll take it.

Felt more natural and more from in myself as opposed to simply an elevated mood.

 

I should be able to feel perfectly content in my situation.

My brain is looking for all the reasons why I shouldn't be.. and this always anxiety or fear just lurking there..

That's slowly come back.

 

I can relate about the lurking ,having a strange day myself ,many symptoms and moods in the one hour ,but getting a nice vibe listening to kings of leon ,even goose pimples .a little manic

[LexAnger]

Such a relief! It has been rather long this emotion wave for you Scottly. Thankful it is calming down.

 

may it continue and you see a full long window !

lex

[scottly9999]

While in pure withdrawal - it's so hard to know what is what.

What is a WD thing?

What is YOU?

The hardest part is you just don't know.  Nobody can tell you, you can't look in a book.

You have little to no reference points.

All the little things you looked to that made you, YOU.

 

That seems to be the common theme with all of us suffering, esp the emotional stuff.

 

It feels like a total rebuild - but on reading ALL the success stories they all say just wait it out...

And my LITTLE windows - doesn't last very long, seem to be telling me the same thing.

That once the good stuff starts up - feeling content etc, that will show me my direction.

 

I should be in a phase of my life where I'm pretty good.

ALTHOUGH - also ripe for midlife crisis??? 

Not as in flash new car and young girlfriend... don't want that.

But this taking stock of where I'm at in life - will work in my favour.

 

The "window" is sort of there, or is the wave just less??

In between I think...

 

I wish it wasn't so all consuming - and I could focus on stuff thats more enjoyable!

 

[powerback]

3 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

While in pure withdrawal - it's so hard to know what is what.

What is a WD thing?

What is YOU?

The hardest part is you just don't know.  Nobody can tell you, you can't look in a book.

You have little to no reference points.

All the little things you looked to that made you, YOU.

 

That seems to be the common theme with all of us suffering, esp the emotional stuff.

 

It feels like a total rebuild - but on reading ALL the success stories they all say just wait it out...

And my LITTLE windows - doesn't last very long, seem to be telling me the same thing.

That once the good stuff starts up - feeling content etc, that will show me my direction.

 

I should be in a phase of my life where I'm pretty good.

ALTHOUGH - also ripe for midlife crisis??? 

Not as in flash new car and young girlfriend... don't want that.

But this taking stock of where I'm at in life - will work in my favour.

 

The "window" is sort of there, or is the wave just less??

In between I think...

 

I wish it wasn't so all consuming - and I could focus on stuff thats more enjoyable!

 

Hi scottly ,I think going through withdrawal will have a much different affect on a midlife crisis ,this is nothing compared to withdrawal  maybe try things even if your not geting the enjoment yet ,itl work different parts of the brain than just the withdrawal crap.

Wishing you loads of Windows 

PB

[scottly9999]

I'm finding these updates quite theraputic..

 

Yesterday was in a bit of a funk... woke up at 4am - that seems to be my thing now.

One of the really hard parts of coming off these drugs, is how much they MASK your emotions - so that you literally have NO idea what you're feeling at any given moment - you just aren't feeling much of anything - it's yuck.

Little things - big things, mostly just not there.
BUT also - they mask your progress in tapering - I'm pretty sure I went too fast, but I just had NO IDEA really - I'd get ups and downs, and would settle back into "BLAH" thinking i'm stable.. but you can't trust anythig when on the drugs.

 

ANyway - I can't remember specifically how I felt, but i was feeling low, and was looking at maps - trying to find an address of a place, and scrolled over where I used to live as a kid, and where I live now, and I FELT LIKE A TOTAL STRANGER... it was horrible, truely horrific feeling.

It was a different dimension to what I've been feeling also in the "being alone" type thing - it wasn't as if I didn't exist, but that I had no connection or memory - and I almost freaked out.

I was able to remain calm, and looked up depersonalization and derealiziation.. and realized it was mostly those feelings, with anhedonia and depression on top - what a FANTASTIC mix...

Who  would have thought the human brain and mind could create such distress and discomfort?

 

ANyway - there is a bit more to get through...

I went to the shops, got some stuff, the feeling sort of eased up a bit by this stage - but not gone.

I got home - wife is really sick upstairs with the Flu..

Had to fix dishwasher (I'm not a great DIY guy with the appliances!!!)

How hard can it be?

dunno - YOUTUBE...

Hmmm ok.

Had a play with it, managed to sort of get it going!  YAY! for me...

while doing this I felt not bad - sort of in the zone - doing - being active, and being "in the moment".

I observed myself being this way.

I had a MOUNTAIN of dirty dishes (from fathers day - day before) to get through - by this time it was 7:15pm - no dinner sorted.

Had to do dishwasher THEN - as helping step-son's girlfriend with her homework after - and out all night tonight to watch the Socceroos!

AND then out NEXT night - so really had to look at it then.

FElt bad as no dinner sorted yet.

STep-son called on way home from Futsal - YES, PLEASE GET McDONALDS!!!

Done.

SOrted out a gluten free meal for daughter..

again - felt frustrated, but busy... and that being busy was distracting me - actively.

I helped the girlfriend with her maths homework until bedtime - it's very frustrating work, very vague, and open ended for interpretation.

BUT we made some good progress, and she was delighted!

Again that made me feel good too.

Had a good chat with her before and during, and connected with her - in a way I've not connected with many people in a long time!!!

It felt nice and familiar.

(no NOT in that way - just in a I'm really listening to what you're saying way).

I've been talking to people for years, and just drifting through.

 

Went to bed feeling quite good about myself and life in general, not entirely, but like I had a bit of purpose again - it was nice.

Woke at 4am, then 5am and by 6:15 I was awake, and battling the churning of anxiety and dread and just my brain going crazy again.

By the time I woke up properly by 7am it had died down, but was left feeling very tired, exhausted, and deflated and blah...

Got up - took daughter to school, as wife still really sick...

and lots of emotions started floating into my head - not all totally negative, which is a relief.

Again - I feel I'm in a bit of a window, a more awakening feeling..

the feelings of regret have started a bit, not for things I've done on SSRI's that I regret, but the passage of TIME while on SSRI's - as if my mind is really realizing that time has drifted past, and it's missed out on stuff, important events in my life that I was "MEH" - but didn't FEEL MEH - but really WAS MEH at the time.

Like when I see flashbacks of memories on Facebook, I think to myself, I SHOULD have CARED more when that happened...

AND I"m talking about external events, that happened in the news, and events too...

That lack of caring really takes its toll on your soul!!!

I suppose regret isn't the word, it's more of a pain of the unnoticed passing of time..

It feels like I lost a few years - even though I was conscious..

Does that make any sense to anybody?

My friends have more grey hair than they used to - and that slow passage of time, and slow adjustments with it - seem to be hitting me at once.

 

Although in saying that - I do feel a little better today - a more natural better - bittersweet better.

It feels as if my brain / mind is slowly processing stuff thats bombarding it - finding compartments to store things..

so there feels like a LITTLE more of my mind is being freed up to process enjoyable things...

 

Just had a chat to a co-worker about guitars... and I wasn't instantly filled with self-doubt about my musical tastes and progress (or lack thereof)...

Music has a LOT of ego in it... I battled with that for a while, but the good old SSRIs took that away... until now.

 

I've got a sense that I'll get better - that I'll improve.

I won't necessarily pickup where I left off when I went on SSRI's has significant events have happened in my life, but I get a sense that I'll FIND my path and I'll be ok on it.

It feels like I've had a glimpse of my path in the distance - still got a few more hills to go though.

 

I guess being in the moment is a more difficult thing as we get older, as we have so many memories - good and bad.. that keep taking us away from the moment.

As kids - we don't have that stored experience to compare, to judge, to remind ourselves... everything feels fresh naturally.

As adults - that is our challenge, to get back to that child like wonder as much as possible.

I DID have that - quite a bit before SSRI's.

To take life seriously, but not ourselves...

 

Hope others are getting some relief!!!!!!!!!

 

[scottly9999]

Quick update.

Have been busy still - which is sort of unlike me... but anywa.

Organized to goto the socceroos world cup qualifier game last night (WE WON - but LOST --- if you don't follow the soccer, don' tworry!)

Wife was supposed to go too, and daughter... 

Wife has come down with the Flu - proper flu, and bronchitis!!!  So she's really sick currently...

Daughter pulled out too - feeling insecure with Mum being sick..

Gave ticket to another mate who's into the football like me - and went with Step-son and met some of his mates there too.

Had a great night - althoguh it was FREEZING in Melbourne - and was pouring with rain, and parking in Richmond... yuck!

Made for a memorable night.

 

I enjoyed it, and didn't feel "alien" or "lost" or scared at all... just felt ok... and the atmosphere was good too.

 

Today - as the day has drawn on - I've had a bit of a revelation...

the SSRI drugs really do shutdown entire regions of our brains...

all this confused searching for answers, and confused emotions - it really is just the brain rebuilding.

We are trying to work out a sense of reality - but our brains aren't letting us experience it yet, due to the way that they're effectively offline - in sections.

 

We are TRYING to work out whats missing, but we don't have the ability to - but we can SENSE it's missing, and not right.

 

Damn I can't quite put it into words properly..

But every one of us here, really says the same sorts of things..

Don't feel myself

feels like something is missing.

a sense of identity is missing.

crazy emotions...

It's a critical part of our brain that isn't letting us experience reality properly.

And I think it's why we get so lost and confused...

we don't feel ourselves, as we aren't ourselves - our brains just aren't working right.

AND the ability to even realize that is subdued too - so we are blindfolded looking for answers...

When in fact it's the BLINDFOLD!

It sort of makes sense!!

 

Anyway - thats my little thought.

 

Last night - I felt at peace again with thought of "being alone"... 

I was literally thinking - whats the worst that'll happen?

The four walls, they'll get boring right?

they won't change, or do me ANY harm at all.... none.  

I CAN go out and make some friends - join a club, or social thing of some sort...

(not that I really need to)...

and really the being alone fear - is that I'm not really alone, as I'm not FULLY here myself.

ANyway - I took a bit of comfort from that.

I felt like I was able to stare down that demon - at least partly.

Again, probably due to my brain working in a particular way at the time that allowed me to.

 

I could feel my mood tanking a bit this morning - it was almost as if it was trying to find the groove of feeling sh*tty - I kept reminding myself about there really isn't anything in particular to be scared of by being on my own - it's the weird sensations I'm feeling RIGHT NOW that makes me think being alone is terrible.

It's just my mind!

 

ANyway - thought I'd share that.

Not sure if I captured the thought process that well... or if it makes any sense?

 

[scottly9999]

Hi all.

 

I seem to be in a window still... it's probably the longest one I've had in a while.

I felt pretty comfortable with myself, in my own body and mind and life - mostly.

I didn' thave that background "edginess" or anxiety feeling...

It lasted quite a while, and I felt quite content - and was focused on external things..

reading about football, thinking about some games... played guitar and enjoyed it more than I have in quite a while.

 

In saying all that - I THINK a wave might be coming - just a few little tiny triggers and can feel my insides tightening up a bit in a familiar way.

I started comparing my life with others - and it came up as "dull" and "boring" and "not having much planned"...

and instead of just being oh ok - and then doing something about it - my wave seems to trigger a cascade of negativity... and starts opening up the closed doors to the dread and doom...

BUT I also feel it's just the way the brain is currently.

In the Window the thoughts were much quieter, less frequent, and didn' thave the same pull towards darkness as in a wave.

 

I'll take it as a sign of healing though!

 

I reached out to another friend too, and they were supportive.

 

Having this decent window has given me a lot of hope - a glimpse into what I can feel like in the near future...

 

[JS11]

How lovely for you Scotty999,

I hope those positives continue,

take care,

JS11

[JS11]

Opps, left of a 9!

[JenJen]

Quote

 I THINK a wave might be coming - just a few little tiny triggers and can feel my insides tightening up a bit in a familiar way.

 

I was just wondering if the wave came?  Hopefully the waves become shorter and lighter as time goes on.  

[Petunia]

Hi Scottly,

Its been a while since I visited the site, but I just read through the last page of your thread and much of what you have written resonates with me.  I'm also recovering after long term lexapro use, and experiencing the same kinds of existential issues you write about.

 

I've come to the conclusion that for me, drug withdrawal is/was a catalyst for another, deeper spiritual or psychological process which is taking place. For me, it seems like I''m recovering from psyche drugs and withdrawal, but also going through a mid-life crisis, a dark night of the soul, integrating a spiritual awakening, taking the hero's journey, waking up, living with kundalini and working through unresolved trauma all at the same time.

 

Like you, I'm realizing how much of life I've lost. Even though there are memories of times and events, its like there's no emotional connection. Its almost like waking up out of a coma.

 

Unlike you, I tapered much to fast and now have protracted withdrawal. I expect you will recover much faster, because of your slower taper. Congratulations on being drug free. Wishing you bigger and longer windows.

 

P.

[scottly9999]

Hi Guys

 

Update time.

Not sure what to write - but first I'll acknowledge those that have kindly taken the time to comment on my thread.

Just having activity of somebody reading your painful blog is nice and very helpful.

JS11 - Thank you (never mind about the 9's!!!)  ha ha.

JenJen.

It DID turn into a vicious little wave... every wave and window is different - subtly so, but definately different.

I can't remember an awful lot of it to be honest - I seem to have come out of it again.

It feels like my emotions are JUST STARTING to have a more of a flow to them - as opposed to being effectively STUCK.
It seems like they're a bit more organic.  It is quite strange and hard to explain.

 

My situation is some unresolved grief, plus re-living it thanks to withdrawal.

My life and identity are reshaping... as it does when you suffer painful berevement.

I was very low yesterdsay - just wallowing in hopelessness and "whats the point".

In a day-to-day level my life is mostly the same... the biggest things that have changed since starting SSRI's is the kids growing up.

They're now 20 and 12.  No longer young kids.  I miss that.

The missing of ANYTHING is just so painful in withdrawal.

Seems my hippocampus is working in overdrive.

Today when I got in the shower when I got up - I felt like achieving some practical things - start tidying the garden.

SO MUCH of the house has been left to deteriorate... the garden is ok - but could really do with a MASSIVE overhaul.

The inside of the house has so much stuff everywhere.  My 12 yaer old is a real messy person - hard to get her to tidy up.

We believe she maybe Aspie, and they tend to be blissfully unaware of mess around them.

Our bedroom is large, and is a dumping ground for just stuff. My clothes are over the floor... it feels very unloved.

My wife has the flu - on top of IBS and chronic bad back pain - so really only the bare essentials getting done.

 

It does feel like so much weight on me.

My wife also feels overwhelmed emotionally,.  This is a fairly normal thing for her.  She needs quiet and space, and a lot of it.

But her back pain is causing her to distance herself from nearly everybody.
She will have coffee with a few friends during the week, but mostly out - hardly ever at our palce.

She feels ashamed of the house currently - and stress of Rose and her issues, plus back pain - means that we are in a vicious cycle of not inviting friends over.

I will invite my mates over for games about once a month - but as couples, and entertaining, thats pretty much not happening at the moment... and hasn't for a while.

So it's a bit of a rince and repeat.

The one visitor that we had regularly was Dad.  He didn't care.

Ironically most of the people we would have over wouldn't care.

The house isnt THAT bad (If I say that then the wife gets really p***ed!!!)

ANyway...

I went into the garage today to get some tools, and we have SO MUCH stuff from Mum and Dad... their entire house of contents still in the garage..

so many memories...

and all of them are currently triggers for so much sadness... for loss.

Even things of mine as a child - seem to bring tears now - as opposed to smiles as they did before.

Is that grief?  or withdrawal?

EVEN more recent items of the kids - that I know they'll never play with agan... tears.

I broke down and sobbed - not quite my heart out, but def sobbed at so much sadness and loss..

I was overwhelmed with it, didn[t know where to turn.  how to process all this?

How can I cope with my life moving forward with this pain?????

It HAS to be withdrawal...

I got stuck into the garden for a few hours, it does look better... but during it I was consumed with ruminating, and sadness and hopelessness...

I felt overwhelmed with it.  How could I possibly move on???

I had to move a few kids things out of the way - old soccer goal, rusted now... 20 year old will never play with it again...

more sadness.

Horrible....

I don't want all my memories tinged with sadness...

It feels like looking forward that it seems to be empty...

I can't replace my parents - so reliable people who were always there.

One other thing that annoys me is that the 20 year old step-son is hopeless with his memories of his own childhood, and doesn' tseem bothered by it!

Its good he lives in the now - but would like a BIT of effort to remember his life.

It feels like I'm carrying the memories of everybody - and they don't care...

and that feeds back into the sadness....

 

AND YET - in saying all that - the weather in Melbouren has finally turned quite pleasant... blue skies and almost warm.

Took dogs for longer walk... in the sun for a bl00dy change..

My mood started to lighten, not heaps, but it did lift.

That is where I got my feeling of my emotions being more fluid and organic, and not stuck.

 

During all this, my brain hasn't had any brain fog, it's felt clear, calm and clear.

That awareness has cleared - that feels like it did pre-ssris... thats good.

ALso my experience today of the depression lifting... I was listening to an audio book "You are the placebo" on my walk...

Talked a little bit about power of being grateful.

And for YEARS while on SSRI's I wasn't able to tap into ANY emotions on what I felt grateful about..

And I actually was able to get a glimmer of feeling grateful for what I do have.

Nice family - we are close.  Good friends (I'd like to see more often, but good all the same), a nice house, lovely upbringing that did give me a lot of good memories... appreciating small things... they're not fully there yet...

BUT I can feel things changing, ever so slow.

 

I took the wife to the doctor as a follow up . and felt almost a bit of hopeful feeling... hopeful that my feelings seem to be coming online.

I've also felt a LOT of extreme vulnerability this last week.

And an underlying feeling of being scared 0 but not strong, just there.

 

The more complex feelings are coming to the surface - the interwoven aspects of everything presenting itself again.

 

So I had a pretty intense wave, it wasn't FEAR or anxiety - it was need sadness and loss... but seemed to pass in a little bit..

Maybe shedding some tears helped??

I think I'm def getting better.

 

 

Its so confusing, so un-natural all this... plus the grief on top of that.

 

The bubble of SSRI's was strong, I never really realized HOW strong it was... I felt invincible on them - nothing relaly troubled me.

I can see that clearly now - I sort of knew it, but now I can really process it.

The vulnerablilty is quite scary.

 

All this when I'm 42 and should be quite content in my life.

 

Hi Petunia - just wanted to touch on your comment, about memories and no emotions - I've got the opposite now!!!!

I'm def in a midlife crysis or existencial crysis for sure... figuring out what my life means, how to move forward... the lot.

Sometimes it feels ok, and less of a problem...  in those times, it's nice to effortlessly be distracted by interests.

I've had a few more moments of that happening... following football results, seeing reviews of new board games...

 

Starting to get the odd feeling of looking forward to our family holiday to the GOld Coast and to see some friends down the coast in a bout 5 weeks time.

 

It's all so hard to put into words.

I had no idea 10 years ago what I would be facing today.

Who knows what will be in my life in 10 years from now???

I hadn't really thought about that until now...

I've been consumed with feeling that I'm old - and my life is done - and thats pretty much it - no way out, no escape...

Not just withdrawal, but in general.

And it feels like it's lifting in patches, not just a GOOD MOOD, but feels more organic in it's process.

 

Hoping that anybody reading is having a window!!!

I re-read some of my early posts today and that does feel like a lifetime away....

[scottly9999]

Small update.

I'm not in a wave (I don't think) and not in a window (not happy)...

but stuck in an existential crysis of some sort.

It's not that I'm lonely - I'm not really lonely, but I certainly don't feel the connections I used to... that sense of contentment - that we all crave, at a deep level.

 

Could it be that these drugs erode those parts of the brain, while projecting the illusion that you are all ok - the bubble effect of taking them?

Is this part of the withdrawal?

This feels too deep and complex and just I don't know, dirty to just be withdrawal.

Again, I'm RIPE for a midlife (early) review of my life.

Facing my own mortality...

Again last night had calls that my uncle is rushed back into ICU at the hospital.

Now he isn't a big presence in my life - but he represents the last of direct family in AUstralia.

 

I made a choice years ago with my wife to move to Australia to settle, to have our family - away from my step-son's Dad too!

THAT was a big decision - and not an easy one.

Thankfully the step-son has commented that he's glad he grew up in AUstralia.

 

Thanks to the stupid SSRI's - the blunted emotions, the blunted desire to be more active - being tired a LOT..

Wife with her backpain and being overwhelmed... it felt like our social group shrunk..

It hasn't really - but not catching up as often as I'd like - thats for sure... we're not interacting with each other as much as I'd like.

Passing emails and stuff, thats mostly all positive, but due to demands of where we all are at in life - sport with kids - often them with multiple commitments that take most of their 2 weekend days - plus chores etc.. it's hard to be active in each others lives.

 

The loss of Dad is really hurting - and losing Mum - which was MOSTLY just a pain to deal with (it's complex) and although she never visited (not through her NOT wanting to) we kept her at bay - as her behaviour was very bad... step-son growing up - he's still living at home, but he's at the age where he's eyeing off the bigger world.

Daughter getting older... I can already feel the empty nest waiting at the end of the drive way!!!!

 

This can't just be withdrawal - it's more than that.

 

I certainly need to cultivate a new interest, or social something... but no idea what...

I've never been one to derive my worth or value from my work.

I always had a deeper sense of satisfaction from my home life.

 

Maybe this just is withdrawal - and what people might experience as a mid-life reassessment - is mimicked by the withdrawal process?

 

So although I don't feel depressed or even anxious about my current situation - I certainly am deriving little pleasure.

Maybe it's insideous anhedonia with a mild bit of DR and / or DP??

 

If I could just jump ahead maybe 2-3 years, I'm sure I'd go AH-HA!!!

 

I'm not blaming all my woes on SSRI's - but they certainly exacerbated things.

I need to be patient with myself and forgive myself - as I was only doing the best I could.

 

My social interactions feel like (but it's not detected by them as such) I'm desperate to cling onto the friends I've got - they're not going anywwhere - but that horrible distance that can creep in - and not feeling the same contentment at home - makes you very restless....

 

 

[scottly9999]

Hi All

 

Another day another update.

Work is boring at the moment.. which isn't helping.. it's easy to just slump at my desk - can put off a few jobs..

I just did an online screening test for depersonalization - and I scored very high.

In fact, I think this is the exact thing that has been causing me to be so confused and the ruminating and searching..

the hollow feeling.

it's easy to see a list of symptoms and think of them as check boxes.

 

where in reality they all can be affecting you together, creating the confusion.

The depersonalization is just horrible - the sense of loss of yourself is scary - really scary.

Combine that with anxiety over nothing and everything - and depression and anhedonia - it's pretty hard to enjoy yourself.

 

You know what I'm MOST angry about?

The fact that I've got a daughter who is 12, and for 3+ years I've been in withdrawal, and for a good 4-5 years before that I was "messed up" from the SSRI - so it's robbed ME and HER of quality time - that I cannot get back.

It seems ok, but I can tell she sense when I'm low - and depressed... and bored with life... thats hard to fake through.

 

I'm mostly convinced that it's all just withdrawal - the weird state my brain is in.

I don't know what i'd do without my wife and kids - I really don't.

YET at the same time, it's robbed me of the love I used to feel for them!!!  I know I DO love them, but it's not letting me feel it currently.

 

This is really hard to endure... and yet from the outside nobody would ever guess.  I'm good at soldiering on... around people.

I need to soldier on BY MYSELF too.

 

[scottly9999]

quick update.

 

the constant changes are still happening.

 

I've noticed that I'm finding times where I am incredibly bored...

having very slow boring days at work - and it's REALLY noticeable now - as opposed to even few months ago - and esp while on Lexapro...

The Lexapro evened everything out - so you never really FELT BORED... not properly.. I was BLAH all the time, but didn't care.

Now I'm getting those days - where staring at the screen, it almost feels like your eyes are starting to fade down over your cheeks... just dull!!!

ARGH!

I'm taking it as more signs of healing.

 

I had a pretty good evening last night..

felt somewhat calmer than I have - not completely.

and was sort of interested in the new FIFA 18 demo on PC - stepson already got it on his Xbox.

I do like that - and wanted to give it a go.

Also did some other stuff on PC - sort of reminded me of when I was good.

was nice.

I sat and played a game on the couch in lounge.

Wife was happily on ipad, daughter was also on couch on her laptop playing an online game.

Overall was quite nice.. still felt something nagging away at me - felt an inner restlessness - which came out in my legs later in bed.

I woke 30 mins after going to sleep and struggled to get back to sleep - but didn't have the chronic insomnia later.

 

Today has been pretty bad - anxiety that kept building - just the usual existential stuff.

Who am I?

What are my roots here now??

The feeling of disconnection grew and the mild panic that goes with it.. the feeling like you don't belong.

it's just HORRIBLE.

I started reading a bit more about depersonalization... and I'm positive this is what my primary suffering is.

I don't ever feel like I'm watching myself - but I feel like a stranger in my own mind - there are memories there, and I'm desperate to be with them..

Also my senses sort of coming and going with waking up - but feels like a gap from when I went on the SSRI's and my brain keeps panicing at knowing there is an emotional gap... it's trying to get back onto the tracks that faded away over the years of being on Lexapro - and can't quite find them.

 

This wishy washy feeling keeps you swimming between depression and anxiety.

 

This is the one thing that I cannot WAIT to pass.

It's an awful awful thing.

 

Reading other stories, it also seems to be the slowest thing to abate.

 

 

[scottly9999]

Has anybody else going through withdrawal and felt like they were losing their mind?

Felt like they were thrown into a full blown mid-life crisis???

So much to cope with and think about.

I find it difficult to believe that this will all just settle down.

 

Is it just that the current mix of emotional turmoil and symptoms has triggered this?

I don't just feel depressed, I feel depressed, restless, directionless, aimless, anxious about nearly every aspect of my life.

I just about can't think of 1 thing that brings be a level of comfort or contentment.

I look at people my age, and they look like they have purpose, or at least attacking life avoiding things that are making them unhappy.

I seem to be stuck - and can't find a way out.

 

ANybody??

 

[TheWayBack]

Hi Scottly

 

I'm in the same boat, thanks to updosing. Unstable, anxious and depressed... But after 6 months things should be a little bit better if I look at others in this forum.

 

It is a long time, but you are not alone. I know that if you look at others in everyday life, things are so different for us. Happy smiling people that are enjoying life...

 

The only thing that is helping me cope is the book 'Hope and help for your nerves' from Claire Weekes. I read it over and over... You will be better!

[scottly9999]

Update

Have been hvaing even more extreme mood dips - in their intensity - not so much duration.

Extremely dark and deep depression - coupled with what feels like a pending total freak out - panic attack.

I've noticed with all this, my mind and brain fog it TOTALLY resolved!!!

My mind feels clear and sharp, like 20 years younger sharper.

My moods though - sheeesh - messed up.

 

I can't tell if I'm suffering complex grief + grief of losing Mum + withdrawal, OR just the withdrawal mimicing these things?

I felt numb and shock when Dad passed 5 years ago.

And went through a depressed greiving state for a long time after... a good 6-12 months that gradually got better.

But during that I had a sense of my life - I wasn't depressed about my life and existence, just about losing Dad.

 

Reading everybody's success stories it does seem like it's withdrawal - it just drags ALL that pain and sadness and FEAR out into the open - even though you can't quite articulate it.

I could feel this building in waves while tapering, but wasn't even aware of it really.

I did have a feeling of avoiding something for the last 2 or so years.

 

It's so hard to know.

But I'm starting to think it's complex grief.... in being on the anti depressants numbed me - and maybe I avoided it?????

 

[scottly9999]

Update time.

 

This journey is a weird one - the brain and mind - just keep changing.

I just re-read my SUNDAY post, and it almost seems alien to me already.

It is strange, very strange.

 

I had a pretty good day Tuesday - although I had reduced my coffe intake to 1 cup from 2 cups - and got headaches from that.

I took some codeine for that (available over counter in Australia until next year...) and I took 2 taurine capsules (500mg each)...

and felt really at peace for the rest of the day - not from the codeine - this was different... my outlook changed - I felt a bit more comfortable with my place in life - my family situation etc... just accepted everything - it lasted all day, right into the evening.

went to bed, but felt slightly wired actually...

had a restless night - and back into the pit of depression since...

jsut the constant wallowing at the hopelessness of how I feel and that it keeps trying to make it about my life situation - but really it's not.

It's just my mind MAKING it real.

 

I'm trying to focus on that - that is isn't really my MIND or my situation in life.

I mean I have some great friends coming over on Saturday to catchup.

I've arranged some friends to go see a movie next Friday night - and having a big catchup on the Saturday after.

And not long after that our 10 day holiday as a fmaily.

BUT I'm still like "meh"... whatever..

 

My legs feel like they're tingling burning if I walk, and the desire to DO NOTHIGN is very very strong..

 

Stupid depression...

but it's not just depression - it's withdrawal depression!

WORSE!!!

 

argh...

 

[scottly9999]

Help from members please...

I keep circling over and over the following thoughts...

That my lofe is doomed to be this way forever.

How empty i feel...

I just had a good long time friend and his wife over and 2 young kids...

It was nice.  But the whole time they were here cobstant feeling of dread thatbas soon as they go im back to being almost on my own.

I have my wife here, and daughter... but both do their own thing.

Even with step son here for a few hours the house was quite full, but still reminded me of how empty and hopeless i feel inside.

It feels so real to me.

How doomed i am that itll only get worse when the kids finally move out in years and years to come.

That im at that age where as a mle you dont tend to mingle with your friends as much, all busy with own family... im finding myself with mlre time on my hands.

 

Its a deep seated inner desparation type feeling..

Desparate to connect with people.

 

It has fo be WD but it feels so real to me... that as it feels real i cant find a solution and i cant stand it, how my life feels to me.

 

 I used to be happy to mooch by myself, that desperate feeling of something very bad thats going to happen, how my lofe is a mess amd empty..

Srgh.

How to accept it.?

It feels so real and as if my worst fear has come true.

 

 

[powerback]

23 minutes ago, scottly9999 said:

Help from members please...

I keep circling over and over the following thoughts...

That my lofe is doomed to be this way forever.

How empty i feel...

I just had a good long time friend and his wife over and 2 young kids...

It was nice.  But the whole time they were here cobstant feeling of dread thatbas soon as they go im back to being almost on my own.

I have my wife here, and daughter... but both do their own thing.

Even with step son here for a few hours the house was quite full, but still reminded me of how empty and hopeless i feel inside.

It feels so real to me.

How doomed i am that itll only get worse when the kids finally move out in years and years to come.

That im at that age where as a mle you dont tend to mingle with your friends as much, all busy with own family... im finding myself with mlre time on my hands.

 

Its a deep seated inner desparation type feeling..

Desparate to connect with people.

 

It has fo be WD but it feels so real to me... that as it feels real i cant find a solution and i cant stand it, how my life feels to me.

 

 I used to be happy to mooch by myself, that desperate feeling of something very bad thats going to happen, how my lofe is a mess amd empty..

Srgh.

How to accept it.?

It feels so real and as if my worst fear has come true.

 

 

HI scottly I have the same feelings of desperation it must be down to the huge depression we are experiencing ,our minds want a break .I'm in an awful state at the moment .I believe if I moved from were I live I would get peace but how do I do it when I'm too sick to work .its a living nightmare ,I co habit with someone that just irritates the living hell out of me [irritation is another nasty symptom of depression ].how the hell do we treat the depression ,surely we cant just stare at the walls and expect it to change is my belief .

what I am experiencing makes my drinking and hangover days seem like nothing .

I fear my peace of mind is forever gone I just hope it comes back .

take care we deserve so much peace .

PB

[scottly9999]

11 hours ago, FSL said:

Hi, guys!

 

That inner feeling of desperation is WD full force. It is not real, but the absence of the chemical in the drug you were taking makes your mind turn inside out. 

 

Can't you guys distract yourselves with any hobbies including sports? Doesn't have to be anything complex, basically running shoes and a t-shirt would do.  Running is a good and effective way of releasing endorphins into your system.

I'm running, well I've run 4 half marathons this year and now I started playing the piano. Still, have my ups and downs during my process like everyone else but these distractions help me feel normal and alive.

 

FSL

 

Hi FSL

 

Thanks for stopping by.

I'm not a runner - never have been since I was a kid.

I really really dislike it.

I'm working out what sporting or exercise activity to get stuck into - currently just walking to get some movement and base level of fitness.

My right knee is a bit dickie these days - but thinking Karate - as it's great focus.

I'm not a "gym" person.

 

Congrats on your 4 half marathons!

 

I do have hobbies - but finding breaking through the crippling anxiety, depression or anhedonia extremely testing.

I do play guitar - purely for me, but finding a LOT of music incredibly activating in a negative way.

Watching a lot of tv is helping to soothe currently... and trying to plan things with friends.

 

Was looking at real estate with the wife - she often just daydreams looking at other properties..

but I started thinking about the house we live in - and how it's nice and good, but with step son being 20 - he doesn't have room to breathe - doesn't invite his friends over, he's always goign to somebody else's place - as there isn't space for him to entertain without taking over.

So looking at things that might a have a different space for him to organize himself more - it'll be 5+ years before he looks at moving out yet, just looking at logistics.

We have no desire to kick him out.

Anyway - I saw on the real estate site you can see history of properties, so I looked up my house I spent my formative years - and was blwon away by how good it looks.

BUT It also was EXTREMELY unsettling...

I've not been able to concentrate at work since.

It tapped into that deep inner desperation I'm facing - who am I ?  Where am I?

It's like a full-blown midlife crisis.

Losing both parents, looming half empty nest...

Everything seems very very VERY unsettled in my life - like I almost can't cope.

Hobbies aren't as fulfilling, I can't relax the way I used to for most of my life upto this point....

Work is BORING - and frustrating with little direction.

I LOVE my wife, but with all these elements cascading, I'm not feeling it right now - and so the deep desperateion and EXTREME unsettled feeling is really cranking up.

 

It feels W/D, but also midlife crisis - and all amplified through each other.

 

As of writing this - feelin like I'm losing it...

i NEVER EVER EVER thought I'd end up like this...

I am slap bang in the worst time period of W/D.

 

reading people's success stories reassures me that they had effectively the same...

 

 

 

[scottly9999]

On 9/23/2017 at 6:44 PM, powerback said:

HI scottly I have the same feelings of desperation it must be down to the huge depression we are experiencing ,our minds want a break .I'm in an awful state at the moment .I believe if I moved from were I live I would get peace but how do I do it when I'm too sick to work .its a living nightmare ,I co habit with someone that just irritates the living hell out of me [irritation is another nasty symptom of depression ].how the hell do we treat the depression ,surely we cant just stare at the walls and expect it to change is my belief .

what I am experiencing makes my drinking and hangover days seem like nothing .

I fear my peace of mind is forever gone I just hope it comes back .

take care we deserve so much peace .

PB

Hi PB

I hear ya!!!!

I'm in a same but different position.

That inner restlessness (the words don't even come close to doing it justice) is unreal.

My issue with the setup - is I LOVE my wife, but my brain isn't letting me feelin the comfort and pleasure with just being with her - that I had for SO LONG, and was a solace for me in times of discomfort, but like you say, this is unlike anything else we've experienced.

The feeling is so overwhelming - so primal - so raw - and yet doesn't make much sense of anything.

Just so much emotion, swirling around, confusing - struggling to latch onto something.

 

Mine seems to be quite existential in nature.
I would have NEVER guessed I'd be feeling the feelings I'm feeling now - even 12 months ago ... I could feel an inner disquiet bubbling away - but this is something else entirely.

staring back at my past - looking for answers... too scared of the future and how my mind just sees dread and emptiness ahead!!!

argh.

I think I need to re-read some of the material that helped me a bit early on.

I can feel the tension building down my neck at the total anxiety !!!

 

[powerback]

4 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

Hi PB

I hear ya!!!!

I'm in a same but different position.

That inner restlessness (the words don't even come close to doing it justice) is unreal.

My issue with the setup - is I LOVE my wife, but my brain isn't letting me feelin the comfort and pleasure with just being with her - that I had for SO LONG, and was a solace for me in times of discomfort, but like you say, this is unlike anything else we've experienced.

The feeling is so overwhelming - so primal - so raw - and yet doesn't make much sense of anything.

Just so much emotion, swirling around, confusing - struggling to latch onto something.

 

Mine seems to be quite existential in nature.
I would have NEVER guessed I'd be feeling the feelings I'm feeling now - even 12 months ago ... I could feel an inner disquiet bubbling away - but this is something else entirely.

staring back at my past - looking for answers... too scared of the future and how my mind just sees dread and emptiness ahead!!!

argh.

I think I need to re-read some of the material that helped me a bit early on.

I can feel the tension building down my neck at the total anxiety !!!

 

ye rereading positive material is a must ,Ive gone from the usual horrible waking anxiety to manic excitement in 2 hours so even excitement has to be monitored so its quiet the cycle .I almost had an unnerving acceptance just now of my situation but it wont last .

ive got strong impulsivity today and its a nice sunny day so ile go and catch you again .

Peace and take care

PB

[scottly9999]

4 hours ago, FSL said:

 

Does it include suicidal thoughts?

Sometimes yes.

[scottly9999]

Update Time.

 

Not much has changed really - not much of any windows or relief to be honest.

Just a constant deep seated feeling of horrible yuck.

Just a depressed anxious mess really.

Taking me all my strength to just get through each day - and get my job done... and try and socialize.

 

The urge to "escape" from myself is very strong - the thought of having to spend time unplanned or by myself or just myself at my wife fills me with total dread... like I have NO life.

 

I remember wrestling with those sorts of thoughts when I was much much younger - I don't recall ever really resolving them, and they were the root of my extreme unhappiness in my early 20's, but this is on another level.

 

I've spent SO MUCH TIME ruminating and stewing in my constant agony of thoughts, it's not getting me anywhere.

 

Just trying to stay busy - not overly busy - but plan something, do something, try and meet friends here and there.

I do find that if I can socialize for a few hours - that I tend to "forget myself" a bit and it provides a bit of relief.

 

I just feel so heavy and serious most of the time, weight of the world, and not much to look forward to.

CLASSIC depression.

 

I spent a good few hours walking around shops on Saturday with the wife - she had a ball, I mostly enjoyed it, spending time with her, but the deep agitated feeling inside was nagging away constantly... it's only the intensity that changes.

 

Sometimes it's so bad, It feels like I'm losing it, and will be completely engulfed by the horror of whats inside me.

 

It seems I'm really in the middle of full-blown withdrawal now.. It feels different to a few months ago - still just as bad though.

 

I actually went to church for the first time with my wife on Sunday - it was mostly a pleasant experience.. .but was overwhelming at times.

So many nice people.  They "see" you too - lovely people.

But I felt a bit like a fish out of water.... but did connect with part of the sermon, and we met some of the church goers that couldn't make it for lunch - and that was nice

But the horrible unsettled total carnage feelings inside, makes it hard to fully connect with listening and talking about yourself properly.

I think they could see I was struggling a bit.

She offers spiritual guidance and councelling - in a very natural way.

I think that might be something I'd need.

 

If really feels as if your entire spirit is crushed in this withdrawal.

Our Brains seem to rebound after being forced into a particular way for so long.

 

I don't seem to have clear cut windows or waves anymore - and reading some of the success stories, that SEEMED to echo what they had too - they often had lengths of time of just constant misery.

 

I'm going to re-read the happiness trap - and the accepting and expansion, and try and meditate a bit more.

It doesn't seem that thinking and stressing and tryhig to "fix" this works... just the detachment, and TRYING To go about your life is the best we can do at this time.

 

Hope even just 1 person gets some relief REAL SOON!

:-)

 

[waves12]

Hello Scottly9999

 

I have been reading your post for a while now as I feel very much the same emotions that you describe so well.

 

This intense feeling of loneliness is crippling for me too, the fact is I am alone and finding it so hard. I am ruminating all the time over the loss of family.  Both my parents died within a year of each other back in 1991 and 1992. I was 28 then and have always felt cheated the whole of my life but had to get on and bring up my two sons at the time.  My sons are both grown up now and the last one left officially 3 years ago, he had been at uni for 3 years before that but wasn't too far away and came home lots. He  now lives a 4/5 hour drive away from me and its so hard to meet up and has to be planned around his busy life.  His girlfriend has large family and I feel like a stranger when I go to visit, and more so since the dreaded CT off the AD'S.

 

My other son, 4 years older, lives an hour and 15 mins away by car but again is busy with work and has two little boys.  His girlfriend also has large family nearby so they spend a lot of time with them. I do drive up to visit, hard sometimes, but its usually for babysitting duties.

 

I have tried to explained to my sons about what is happening with me but they don't get it at all and feel l am putting on them by trying to get them to understand, they clearly don't get it because two minutes later my son asks me to babysit and sometimes it is until quite late and then I drive home as no bed to stay in with them.

 

I have a brother 25 minutes away and meet up with him once every couple of weeks for coffee in a coffee shop.  He has 3 young adult children and a wife all at home.

 

I had separated from my sons Dad many years ago but we were good friends and he would help me with things and was a good support for us.  He sadly passed away in 2011 after a long battle with cancer, he was early 50's. After this I felt so alone and lost and felt I was losing everyone close to be and felt abandoned yet again.  I put  all my time and emotions into my sons which was good but I also forget to make a life for myself and now feeling the effects of this.

 

So I feel pretty much alone and dealing with this WD alone is very hard work.  The responsibilities of house, garden, bills etc is overwhelming for me these days, I didn't feel this way before WD, or the reality was masked, I don't know anymore. I work from home which is isolating but it has also probably saved me financially as I would not have been able to face a new job during all this. My house is safe for now but my current work will end by end of March next year which several months ago I wasn't too worried about as I thought and hoped I would be through this WD.  I am now not so sure if I will be ok by then.

 

This journey is relentless and I get so scared too that I will never be ok again. I have had a few good days but it doesn't last long enough for me to feel confident in the process.

 

I just have to believe that all will be well.  I am also concerned that age is against me to make any kind of new life for myself and sometimes I just think I don't want a new life I just want my family to live around the corner, so starts the rumination over and over and over..........The dark dark depression is such a horrible feeling and I do have some pretty bad thoughts from time to time but hope keeps me going, that is the only thing available.

 

All my friends are getting on with their lives, have husbands, partners, some have a parent or two, their children and their grandchildren on their doorstep and I am so envious and think if only I had that I would be ok!!!!  I probably wouldn't be!  I am sure it would help a bit though.

 

I find the weekends incredibly difficult with being on my own and my friends are busy with family etc.

 

I am always thinking that if I could just get better I can start doing more things outside and then maybe find some new friends that are in a similar position to me.

 

I feel I have not been able to give you any help only to let you know that I feel much the same, and I do understand your feelings and emotions.

 

Hope you can have an ok day.

 

Waves