success ☼ scottly9999: Lexapro nightmare

[scottly9999]

13 hours ago, waves12 said:

Hello Scottly9999

 

I have been reading your post for a while now as I feel very much the same emotions that you describe so well.

 

This intense feeling of loneliness is crippling for me too, the fact is I am alone and finding it so hard. I am ruminating all the time over the loss of family.  Both my parents died within a year of each other back in 1991 and 1992. I was 28 then and have always felt cheated the whole of my life but had to get on and bring up my two sons at the time.  My sons are both grown up now and the last one left officially 3 years ago, he had been at uni for 3 years before that but wasn't too far away and came home lots. He  now lives a 4/5 hour drive away from me and its so hard to meet up and has to be planned around his busy life.  His girlfriend has large family and I feel like a stranger when I go to visit, and more so since the dreaded CT off the AD'S.

 

My other son, 4 years older, lives an hour and 15 mins away by car but again is busy with work and has two little boys.  His girlfriend also has large family nearby so they spend a lot of time with them. I do drive up to visit, hard sometimes, but its usually for babysitting duties.

 

I have tried to explained to my sons about what is happening with me but they don't get it at all and feel l am putting on them by trying to get them to understand, they clearly don't get it because two minutes later my son asks me to babysit and sometimes it is until quite late and then I drive home as no bed to stay in with them.

 

I have a brother 25 minutes away and meet up with him once every couple of weeks for coffee in a coffee shop.  He has 3 young adult children and a wife all at home.

 

I had separated from my sons Dad many years ago but we were good friends and he would help me with things and was a good support for us.  He sadly passed away in 2011 after a long battle with cancer, he was early 50's. After this I felt so alone and lost and felt I was losing everyone close to be and felt abandoned yet again.  I put  all my time and emotions into my sons which was good but I also forget to make a life for myself and now feeling the effects of this.

 

So I feel pretty much alone and dealing with this WD alone is very hard work.  The responsibilities of house, garden, bills etc is overwhelming for me these days, I didn't feel this way before WD, or the reality was masked, I don't know anymore. I work from home which is isolating but it has also probably saved me financially as I would not have been able to face a new job during all this. My house is safe for now but my current work will end by end of March next year which several months ago I wasn't too worried about as I thought and hoped I would be through this WD.  I am now not so sure if I will be ok by then.

 

This journey is relentless and I get so scared too that I will never be ok again. I have had a few good days but it doesn't last long enough for me to feel confident in the process.

 

I just have to believe that all will be well.  I am also concerned that age is against me to make any kind of new life for myself and sometimes I just think I don't want a new life I just want my family to live around the corner, so starts the rumination over and over and over..........The dark dark depression is such a horrible feeling and I do have some pretty bad thoughts from time to time but hope keeps me going, that is the only thing available.

 

All my friends are getting on with their lives, have husbands, partners, some have a parent or two, their children and their grandchildren on their doorstep and I am so envious and think if only I had that I would be ok!!!!  I probably wouldn't be!  I am sure it would help a bit though.

 

I find the weekends incredibly difficult with being on my own and my friends are busy with family etc.

 

I am always thinking that if I could just get better I can start doing more things outside and then maybe find some new friends that are in a similar position to me.

 

I feel I have not been able to give you any help only to let you know that I feel much the same, and I do understand your feelings and emotions.

 

Hope you can have an ok day.

 

Waves

 

 

Hi Waves!

Thanks for stopping by.

It is interesting how life can pan out for different people.

The horrible loss that you experience when you lose your parents - that you NEVER understand even remotely what that feels like UNTIL you've experienced it firsthand...

How you need to re-shape your life, but how?

Nobody really prepares you for that... you goto school, you have parents, friends etc, and you think that the path you start on is the path you stay on... sure there might be a few turns here and there, but nobody prepares you for the fact you'll be at a crossroads, and you KNOW that it's vitally important HOW and WHAT you choose?

Those moments in life - where it feels like it's all on the line.

It's the sort of things we have to work out for ourselves... somehow, but get help from lots of people... that come into your life at the right time.

I can look back at times when people have come into my life at around the time I needed them..

I haven't noticed many times when the reverse has happened, but I'm sure it has.

The scary part of the journey is that is seems that your brain is able to just create the worst possible scenarios in our minds.

Depression - CHECK - here is a checklist of all the things that YOU find depressing...  GO NUTS!

Anxiety - CHECK - here is a repeating loop of all the stuff that is your WORSE nightmare.

The words Anxiety and Depression don't seem to do it justice to the singleminded experiences we face in WD.

 

BUT it doesn't feel like you're specifically in withdrawal... like a caffeine headache if you give up coffee.

It feels organic, almost natural... so you think that what you are experiencing is totally real.

To an extent it's right, as it IS real for us RIGHT NOW in W/D.

It's so encompassing.

I thought I was in withdrawal during my taper - I'd have a bad patch for a few days or week at most, then return to a BLAH hum-drum (which is why i wanted off) experience.

Once fully off - the full withdrawal hit, but I lost my Mum RIGHT at the end too... so dealing with extremely distressing emotions while my brain is in full turmoil has been difficult to the extreme.

 

What do you do for work currently Waves?

I've found that just being at work helpful - although some days difficult.

I've got a few people who are becoming friends at work too.

I find spending too much time on your own to be very negative these days - the ruminating just intensifies - but gets you nowhere.

There is pain and discomfort inside, and you try and find an answer - but it doesn't seem to help one bit.

I've rarely been able to come up with a thought that shortcircuits the emotional pain.

Occassionally I have been able to.

I have had a few times after meditating that I've felt a bit of peace and calm.

 

As I said in my last post, I got a bit of comfort from attending my wife's church (I'm not a Christian) on Sunday - it was a mixed emotion, but there was positives there.

I would strongly recommend you find a social group or club or something to maybe join.

A book club?

I've been busier making time with friends which helps.

 

Going  back to my opening line in this post, it's strange how life can deal you a situation that we are faced with.  We have little control over that.

And when in WD, it's even HARDER than EVER...

I think it's so natural to think, well, this is it - I've lost all these people in my life...  what else is there?

BUT WE ARE STILL HERE!  We are here for a reason - we don't have to know WHAT that reason is, just that we have EVERY RIGHT to be here, and every right to be able to be happy.

There are plenty of people who have lost so much - and they find a way to grow again, from the ashes.

Withdrawal gives us so much emotional upheaval and pain and we have to learn patience with it, and to develop trust and hope... and faith.

Those are things we can choose to have, and esp when we DON'T feel it!

 

Waves - just resonating with my post you have offered something.  A connection.

 

I had a fairly good evening last night.

We just changed to daylight savings.  I started dinner, and went for a walk - I bumped into my daughters primary school teacher, and got talking.

That perked me up - and I was pretty good for the rest of the evening.

Watched uplifting shows on TV.. and even my daughter turned to my wife and suggested she look at her ipad less!

I do hope that happens!

 

Waves - where are you at your taper??

[waves12]

What a lovely in depth thoughtful post, thank you.

 

As you say parents, school, work, marriage etc and then believe we have it all sorted in place. I have read opening lines in books, 'life is difficult' in one and 'life is suffering' in another.

Both are very true but didn't realise these applied to me too! 

 

I thought I was ok for many years whilst on the meds but now off completely for 16 months I realised I certainly was not ok at all and had a suspicion for a long time that I was far from ok.

 

I had pushed down every upset and emotion for years until of course it started seeping out, the band aid no longer working.  I had no idea what was ahead of me.

 

This journey is the best and worst thing I ever done, would have done differently had I known about the tapering sooner. I was 7 months off cold turkey when I landed here. I have tried reinstatement a few times but felt so bad had to stop so I now am in the full force of cold turkey and not a nice place to be.  Its hard to keep going but have no choice.

 

I work at home doing book keeping and find it difficult most of the time as need a semi good brain to do it, some days nothing makes any sense and things take so much longer to complete as I just stare at it not understanding at all. Feel as if brain has lost its power and is running on old batteries.

to

I do get out to see friends at any opportunity possible and do find it very hard to be in the house and being alone with my thoughts, infact I am finding being with me more and more difficult as time passes.

 

I know I am not the only person to be dealing with family loss and of course this is part of life, it is how we deal with it that is important, I haven't quite mastered this even after many losses and many years passed.  A friend told me we never get over it we just come to terms with it a little more each year, I agree.

 

During this withdrawal everything has come back to me as if it were very recent, find this strange but there again I don't think things were real til off the meds.

 

I do get quite excited some days when feeling ok that I am going to have a new life with a different outlook and the fact that I have the freedom to pretty much do what I want to, on bad days I long for the old life and all things familiar, which one is real?!

 

When I look back I realise that my not coping, hence getting on to meds, was possibly to do with holding everything together until one day I couldn't and off I went to doctors, they do say depression and anxiety are signals that should not be ignored and are there to tell us something, wish the doctors would look at this the same way instead of giving out pills.

 

It is good you have your family around you, I find it interesting to read other peoples experiences when they do have family, it helps me.  I assumed that if the family are around the suffering is less in WD, not the case at all from my reading here.

 

I am having yet another bad day and feel slammed today again.  I have been out most of the day and with two different friends and whist it lovely to be out it has not lifted my spirits at all today.  Its just the way it is for today.

 

We have to keep walking through this pain suffering and relentless b.s. I hope it will ease up and go away one day.

 

I hope you have a good evening with your family, and thank you again for your post it was very detailed and enjoyable to read if that is the right term!

 

Waves

 

 

 

 

 

[scottly9999]

On 10/4/2017 at 3:13 AM, waves12 said:

What a lovely in depth thoughtful post, thank you.

 

As you say parents, school, work, marriage etc and then believe we have it all sorted in place. I have read opening lines in books, 'life is difficult' in one and 'life is suffering' in another.

Both are very true but didn't realise these applied to me too! 

 

I thought I was ok for many years whilst on the meds but now off completely for 16 months I realised I certainly was not ok at all and had a suspicion for a long time that I was far from ok.

 

I had pushed down every upset and emotion for years until of course it started seeping out, the band aid no longer working.  I had no idea what was ahead of me.

 

This journey is the best and worst thing I ever done, would have done differently had I known about the tapering sooner. I was 7 months off cold turkey when I landed here. I have tried reinstatement a few times but felt so bad had to stop so I now am in the full force of cold turkey and not a nice place to be.  Its hard to keep going but have no choice.

 

I work at home doing book keeping and find it difficult most of the time as need a semi good brain to do it, some days nothing makes any sense and things take so much longer to complete as I just stare at it not understanding at all. Feel as if brain has lost its power and is running on old batteries.

to

I do get out to see friends at any opportunity possible and do find it very hard to be in the house and being alone with my thoughts, infact I am finding being with me more and more difficult as time passes.

 

I know I am not the only person to be dealing with family loss and of course this is part of life, it is how we deal with it that is important, I haven't quite mastered this even after many losses and many years passed.  A friend told me we never get over it we just come to terms with it a little more each year, I agree.

 

During this withdrawal everything has come back to me as if it were very recent, find this strange but there again I don't think things were real til off the meds.

 

I do get quite excited some days when feeling ok that I am going to have a new life with a different outlook and the fact that I have the freedom to pretty much do what I want to, on bad days I long for the old life and all things familiar, which one is real?!

 

When I look back I realise that my not coping, hence getting on to meds, was possibly to do with holding everything together until one day I couldn't and off I went to doctors, they do say depression and anxiety are signals that should not be ignored and are there to tell us something, wish the doctors would look at this the same way instead of giving out pills.

 

It is good you have your family around you, I find it interesting to read other peoples experiences when they do have family, it helps me.  I assumed that if the family are around the suffering is less in WD, not the case at all from my reading here.

 

I am having yet another bad day and feel slammed today again.  I have been out most of the day and with two different friends and whist it lovely to be out it has not lifted my spirits at all today.  Its just the way it is for today.

 

We have to keep walking through this pain suffering and relentless b.s. I hope it will ease up and go away one day.

 

I hope you have a good evening with your family, and thank you again for your post it was very detailed and enjoyable to read if that is the right term!

 

Waves

 

 

 

 

 

The longer I've been in withdrawal (my taper doesn't count and the drug is still having an effect) the more I'm realizing that the suppression that occurs in our minds - mostly at a subconscious level is very deep and very profound.

I believe that is what causes the "everything is ok" numbed out feeling - and also the feeling that something is missing or wrong.

 

When we fully remove the drug - it's as if the nervous system KNOWS it's been suppressed, and the primal systems of fear (amygdala) fire up - as it thinks it has to reassess everything in the environment again - everything is a threat as it's suddenly woken up - with no bearings anymore.

 

The level of fear, sorrow, depression etc etc is just amazing.

The feeling that nowhere is safe is horrible, and of course we try and fix it... and we can't... but the deepest held fears we carry are fully activated.

 

I'm starting to notice that when my anxiety goes a little bit quiet, I can feel the effect it's had on my adrenal system, totally fatigued - not just tired, but exhausted.

 

I also tend to agree it doesn't seem to matter one bit what your ACTUAL situation is in life in this withdrawal, it seems to bring us to our knees.. and finds ways of keeping us there.

 

My situation is sort of unique in a way - that I'm an only child, to a Dad who was an only child - my Mum's sister never had kids, her youngest brother also never had kids (he's alive but sick currently).  Her eldest brother DID have kids, but moved to far north Queensland, basically, never met them or saw them or spoke to them.

Mum's cousin - whom I've not really liked, fell out with me over the funeral arrangements for my own mother this year.  Again, she always turned down offers to pop in to say hi when visiting Mum 4 doors up the road.

Dad's family is in the UK - and again very similar story there - either 1 child, or no kids. 

I have recently found myself getting EXTREMELY angry towards all this extended family for abandoning me to this existence.

I have friends, but I feel with the death of my mother this year after Dad 5 years earlier, I've been compeltely cut off from what little family I did have.

Feel adrift and alone.

I have my lovely wife and daughter, and step-son... but something very fundamental and deep has been ripped out of me.

Maybe this was the grief that was suppressed by the stupid lexapro I was on when Dad died 5 years ago?????

It seems to be heavily related.

But as you say - you feel like you are reliving everything all over again in withdrawal.

The subconscious mind is in chaos.

 

I can relate EXACTLY to what you say about having a good day and thinking it's ok (even then when it's a good day for me, something still feels like it's missing).. and then you get the bad days - and you don't know if you'll go back to how you were before the drugs messed with you, or if you have to forge a new life??  From what?

Feels SO HARD to know.

 

 

[scottly9999]

HI FSL

 

However, what appears to be the case in WD is the FEELINGS are real, but they're SORT of connected to real memories and thoughts - but mostly I'm just anxious and stressed MOST of the time now - to the point where it's tight across my chest (I can tell it's not my heart - I'm not anxious about health)... 

even when distracting myself, it never really goes away fully - it's rebound amygdala generating fear and anxiety and it's linked with previous pain and memories.

I just have to keep telling myself that although my life is very different now - in terms of no parents (I never felt I was emotionally dependant on them being alive for my own peace of mind - whereas thats how it feels now).  I'm still with my wife, and no signs of that ending.

My depressed state (artificial and chemically driven) is seeing ALL the negative aspects of my life and coming up - and it can't cope.

The loss of my direct family - the growing up of my kids - and then just me and my wife at home - how we changed so much - to being so focused on the kids.

Dreading the inevitable empty nest!!!!  It devastated my Dad - and my brain is convinced that'll happen to me.

When I left home, it was as if (I could tell) his entire reason for living was through me - and somehow I feel I've suddenly inherited that.

I used to be very much my own person - had a bunch of things I enjoyed, just because I could.. without the dreaded existential yuck nuking anything thats enjoyable!!! The horrible feeling of one glance at the open chasm of endless depression and I'm instantly slipping into it.

When you're not depressed, it's hard to make yourself depressed - I remember that.

But when you ARE depressed frame of mind, it's hard NOT to be.

 

I felt like my life was somethign else while on Lexapro - somewhat invinceable - now I feel exactly the opposite.

Completely shattered, and vulnerable.

 

As all members have said, it's the worst hell imaginable this WD.

 

I just need to tell myself it IS WD - and I WILL be better.

 

[LexAnger]

Hi Scottly,

just want to stop by to let you know you are in my thoughts! I have been stupruggling a lot being in the worst part of my own battle so barely can visit. I am so sorry you are still struggling so much and not seeing improvement in the emotional department after being off 5 months. 

 

This is process is a true hell for many of us even in different manners! 

Only way is moving forward and waiting for our time. We will see each other through the worst and all the way out! 

 

Lex

[scottly9999]

1 minute ago, LexAnger said:

Hi Scottly,

just want to stop by to let you know you are in my thoughts! I have been stupruggling a lot being in the worst part of my own battle so barely can visit. I am so sorry you are still struggling so much and not seeing improvement in the emotional department after being off 5 months. 

 

This is process is a true hell for many of us even in different manners! 

Only way is moving forward and waiting for our time. We will see each other through the worst and all the way out! 

 

Lex

Hi Lex

Have been thinking of you too - as you finally made the jump to 0.

At the time it's  cause for celebration!!  But then it slowly turns into the hardest part of the journey.

one day at a time.

Thats all we have - this moment - right here, right now.

No need to think about anything else.

 

I feel like I'm started to listen to my anxiety - it's a very very similar message I had in my early 20's.

When I slowly became an adult - as an only child - my parents weren't big socializers, or planners for many activities - they relied on me for their socializing with my friends.

I slowly felt like I was nothing just in my room - into my 20's... I didn't have much direction - but slowly sank into anxiety and depression... about how little family I had and that when I was with my friends I was sort of ok, but didn't like extended stretches of time on my own (even at my parents place)... I wasn't brought up to set goals and achieve stuff... was quite happy and content for years just with what was in front of me.

 

I can see that where I'm stuck is VERY SIMILAR to that time in my life - but it's intensified enormously.

Very much the same experience though - overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessless and dread of being on my own.

Even though so much of my hobbies are based around that.

 

I need to work on a way of feeling whole and complete with my limited family size... and feel ok to be alone again.

I DID have it.

felt safe for years (even way before Lexapro) when my family was small and new - and to an extent with parents still here, and kids still young, I felt like the central focus on the family and my existence to an extent.

That has changed.  No parents, kids growing up the safe family space feels like it's evaporating, and I'm left with myself again (I do have my wife, and normally we get along really well, good company - but lately with both our problems we haven't been as much good company to each other)...

So the problems I that I thought went away - have come back home to roost.

It feels incredibly difficult to actually express it in words, it's more a feeling of impending horror and doom at the thought of how my life currently is - and how it'll pan out.

 

 

[LexAnger]

Scottly, Are you taking any supplements now?

[scottly9999]

1 minute ago, LexAnger said:

Scottly, Are you taking any supplements now?

Yep.

Loads of fish oil, a multivitamin, magnesium chelate and was taking St John's wort and was taking taurine.  I've been feeling terrible and directly attributed taurine to some of it and figured I need a break as of today stopped at John wort.

 

You?

 

[LexAnger]

The only thing I have been taking is fish oil until two days ago.

i asked the question because of my experience two days ago starting 10 mg Magnesium Glycinate.

 

Here it is how it went for me. I didn't feel much from The first dose on day 1, while the second dose immediately shoot me into a coma like status for 2 hour I actually either fell into sleep ( mid of day, and I had a great sleep the night before) or in a real coma. Later at night, I was woken up by the worst panic attack for the entire night feeling crazy regardless how strong I tried to hold and how much walks and breathing I did. It lessened some the next morning ( today) but overall still very anxious with pounding heart, shaky whole, icy burning, nausea etc. the reaction I got is much stronger than reaction I had to lexapro. And I rarely had anxious feelings all these year definitely not the panic. so I searched around about this supplement on line all around. 

 

I found although it's popularly recommended, MAG can be very stimulating and aniexty inducing for some ppl like me when their systems are super sensitized.

although my experience as a whole is a disaster. I did feel it's power of relaxing muscles etc., just 1 second for me like my body tension was lifted then all the hell broke loose.

 

i thought about your main symptoms after my experience, wonder if it's anything to do with the supplements you are taking.

 

i don't remember you mentioned anxiety much while tapering. Is it more since stopping lex? Any possible relationship to any of the supplement?

 

im glad you stopped st. Johns worts. I read quite a bit about the risk taking it.

 

 

[powerback]

9 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

even when distracting myself, it never really goes away fully - it's rebound amygdala generating fear and anxiety and it's linked with previous pain and memories.

hi scottly ,this is so true ,in the few months I'm tapering I'm getting all kinds of random memories from the past popping up ,its very interesting how the memories become unlocked and to go further down the road without drugs we need to sit with and understand these memories ,somewhat like nuero emotions but they have an original origin .so with the amygdala under stress its taking the memory and the feelings and mixing them together to cause the stress and anxiety  ,its nuts what goes on with it .I'm struggling to drop the silliest stuff .

I wonder if the memory I have from the past warrants the strong feelings I'm having now ,its like my anxiety I'm having now is getting artificially implanted into that memory ,very strange .

 

another member put me onto a book "the body keeps the score "

heres the audio book I listened to ,the 3 hours that's up on YouTube  I'm not sure if this is all the book but a good listen all the same .

 

I found it very interesting and theres interviews with the author .

[powerback]

9 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

I felt like my life was somethign else while on Lexapro - somewhat invinceable - now I feel exactly the opposite.

 

9 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

Completely shattered, and vulnerable.

this is exactly what we are left with after the meds and there will only be proper research done if there can be money made from it .

so its up to us to find the path ,everything I'm reading about anxiety and panic is saying we have to learn to sit with feelings and let them dissipate, CBT in other words .

I had a bad time a couple of weeks ago with panic and anxiety but siting in the house is awful for me ,so I practiced the CBT and stayed on the train for 70 minutes to were I was going for my walk .I need to practice it more in better practical environments also.

I find these guys very good and they make a lot of sense .

[scottly9999]

21 hours ago, LexAnger said:

The only thing I have been taking is fish oil until two days ago.

i asked the question because of my experience two days ago starting 10 mg Magnesium Glycinate.

 

Here it is how it went for me. I didn't feel much from The first dose on day 1, while the second dose immediately shoot me into a coma like status for 2 hour I actually either fell into sleep ( mid of day, and I had a great sleep the night before) or in a real coma. Later at night, I was woken up by the worst panic attack for the entire night feeling crazy regardless how strong I tried to hold and how much walks and breathing I did. It lessened some the next morning ( today) but overall still very anxious with pounding heart, shaky whole, icy burning, nausea etc. the reaction I got is much stronger than reaction I had to lexapro. And I rarely had anxious feelings all these year definitely not the panic. so I searched around about this supplement on line all around. 

 

I found although it's popularly recommended, MAG can be very stimulating and aniexty inducing for some ppl like me when their systems are super sensitized.

although my experience as a whole is a disaster. I did feel it's power of relaxing muscles etc., just 1 second for me like my body tension was lifted then all the hell broke loose.

 

i thought about your main symptoms after my experience, wonder if it's anything to do with the supplements you are taking.

 

i don't remember you mentioned anxiety much while tapering. Is it more since stopping lex? Any possible relationship to any of the supplement?

 

im glad you stopped st. Johns worts. I read quite a bit about the risk taking it.

 

 

Hi Lex

 

I didn't seem to have much anxiety while tapering, sort of a background feeling of it, but wasn't forefront in my mind.

Looking back - before I started tapering, I could tell something was wrong, and couldn't put my finger on it, just an ill-at-ease feeling, but mostly was still numbed by the drug for the most part.  But it wouldn't go away, and I couldn't bounce back from it.

The last few weeks have been constant anxiety - a really intense form of anxiety - that builds right upto the thought that I can't cope, and I'm going to lose it, which is basically the verge of a panic attack.

Apart from those few years in my younger days - I didn't experience this.

But What it feels like is that my life as come full circle back to those horrible empty days.

It's SO confusing - is it really my situation or is it my mind playing tricks?

I desperately want that inner calm feeling of everything is ok and as it should be - and I can be comfortable in my own skin and my situation in life.

I feel like I'm climbing the walls trying to escape from my life situation...

I look around at people who still have their parents, and have brothers or sisters, and cousins and all that... and then I look at me - and only child, no siblings, notihng really.. just the 4 of us at home... step-son is 20 (no job yet, but really building his own life, friends, going out etc).. that feeling of the core family unit breaking up..

I HATE that.

It's what gave me such peace of mind for so long.

Now it feels as I've been thrown back into the pit of hell of my own mind, my my isolation and I feel so desperate about it.

 

I just feel so stunned at how my home feels empty and it just feels SO WRONG to be quiet and on my own now.

And yet years ago how just being home with my family gave me such peace and fulfillment.

 

You know how you visit a lonely old person - and you can just FEEL their desperation at their situation, thats how I feel about myself now.

Yet, I have a wife here, and my daughter is still only 12.

I'm projecting forward to when SHE also leaves home, and I'm living in that empty nest - already.

 

This MUST be withdrawal right?

 

I can feel that my body is really under a lot of strain right now - how it feels quite depleted - where I can feel I'm going to have to give up coffee for a while - while this intense stress is wracking havoc on me.

I'm finding it incredibly hard to accept this.

 

Back on topic - I'm not sure if anything in particular is triggering it in terms of supplements.

I know that when I started with Taurine - after 2-3 days my anxiety really spiked - it hasn't really gone down since.

I'm only 2 days of so stopping St Johns Wort - as it wasn't really making much of an improvement at all.

 

I've gone wildly off topic really - sorry!!

It does seem like you are experiencing some emotional symptoms yourself since getting to 0mg.

[scottly9999]

16 hours ago, FSL said:

Hi, Scottly,

 

Sorry to invade your thread, but I'm experiencing some of your symptoms in a very mild version. Note that I'm still on a 1,44mg daily dose of Lexapro. (I started with 20mg)

 

The amazing thing is that on the previous dose (1,59) I didn't feel anything at all. Well, I had the symptoms of being on the drug but now as my mind and body adjust to this new dose, a pack of symptoms invaded me and got me wondering if this 1,44mg is my threshold from the upcoming WD hell.(Do you remember at what dosage it started to feel like hell to you?)

 

Insomnia has come, and some of that doom and sorrow as well. But as I said in a very mild version. 

 

The problem is, how can someone have like a real job, with responsibilities and at the same time dealing with all these WD symptoms? 

 

Back in 2014 I jumped from 4,0mg to zero (at the time I didn't know better) and I only lasted a month before reinstating 10mg,

 

I remember exactly the day that I had to give up: I was lying on my bed with insomnia and an inner voice came up from nowhere and started saying: "Kill yourself now! come on commit suicide!".

 

But I'm everything but suicidal, in fact , I love living and my life is in many ways very good.

 

I fell I needed to share this with you to say that I well know what WD fase is, especially after jumping to zero.  I know that voice was just dread and anxiety exploding inside of me due to the small cold turkey I did..Lexapro and other similar drugs turn you into a hibernate emotional grenade When we stop taking it that grenade explodes and we are left alone to deal with it.
 

Hi FSL

 

Is FSL short for The Flash??

 

EVerybody is welcome to join in the discussion - I find that everybody's posts help.  A different perspective is beneficial.

I did feel some spikes in anxiety and depression while tapering - for me it was mostly depressive waves while tapering... they lacked energy at the time.

Now it feels like the brakes are off, and it's ZOOMING away with full overdrive anxiety.

I just have to remind myself - reading the success stories that EVERYBODY had this - and THEY GOT THROUGH IT.

I'm sure that everybody's anxiety and depression is whatever their WORST CASE SCENARIOS are in THEIR OWN MINDS.

Otherwise it wouldn't be their ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION would it!?????

 

As for what dose felt like hell...?

I always expected I'd get my emotions back in their full spectrum gradually as I reduced in dose - but I always felt very anhedonic most of the time - very BLAH.

I'd usually get a mild HIGH - I wouldn't even call is euphoric, it was an agitated UP for about a week or so after dropping my dose.

That would then crash into a depressive wave for a week or so, then just blah and meh - and yucky...

I'd mistake that for stable, and drop again, rinse and repeat.

It was fairly predictable really.

The real hell has been since being at 0.

What I feel and experience now - at 5 or so months out is very different to 1-2 months out.

That was VERY scary and very dark.

this is different, in ways that is hard to explain.

I'm due for a window... i THOUGHT i felt one coming on last night, I felt slightly calmer.

Met up with a great friend and his wife at his parents place for a few hours - during that I felt sort of ok, but in the back of my mind was the horror of the quietness and being AT HOME - which was nagging away.

 

Today it's a beautiful day out - perfect day weather wise... and I'm going to go and cut the grass.

My wife has gone to a doll show.  I'm home with my daughter and step-son upstairs still.

But I feel full of dread and stress and depression.

It's just disgusting.

It's all tight around my left side - such tension.

Anxiety and stress about my life and situation.

I've got plans to goto friends for dinner with wife and daughter - but it still doesn't feel enough.

It's just stupid.

 

I had an interesting time at the psych this week.

He got me to sit in the chair next to me and "speak" on behalf of abandonment - but I'm not sure it's being abandoned thats the issue - it's the feeling of ... I don't know - it's driving me bonkers trying to label it.

But anyway - I was able to speak FOR abandonment next to myself.

when asked what would make it feel better and satisified - I couldn't answer it.

And even now, I ask the "stress" what WOULD make you feel better?????

I can't answer it - I can't actually think of a THING or way to satisify it.

Just not being me in my life... but thats just so vague and general.

 

So THAT sort of says to me - it's just the amygdala running WILD and CRAZY unchecked - picturing and living out it's worst nightmares - NOT my actual situation.

Even saying that gives mabye at most 2% relief - not much.

 

This must be just WD and the healing happening, the necessary steps to go through to return to normal.

 

I'm NOT going to let this crap beat me.

 

I guess my worst fear is to end up totally alone - with nobody caring about me - or just existing in a big empty house.. what difference would it make.

and My mind is projecting that forward as my future.

that I'll lose my wife and kids won't care about me - it isn't based on actual truth though.

 

C'mon window - time to open up!!!

 

[scottly9999]

17 hours ago, powerback said:

 

this is exactly what we are left with after the meds and there will only be proper research done if there can be money made from it .

so its up to us to find the path ,everything I'm reading about anxiety and panic is saying we have to learn to sit with feelings and let them dissipate, CBT in other words .

I had a bad time a couple of weeks ago with panic and anxiety but siting in the house is awful for me ,so I practiced the CBT and stayed on the train for 70 minutes to were I was going for my walk .I need to practice it more in better practical environments also.

I find these guys very good and they make a lot of sense .

Hey Powerback.

I'll give this a listen.

 

I can feel that so much of my stress and anxiety right now is FIGHTING myself, fighting my situation..

 

[baroquep]

Hi Scottly, Congratulations for getting off of Lexapro in such a careful manner.  I am not personally familiar with the drug but have heard that it is among one of the most potent antidepressants on the market, so good for you, it couldn't have been easy.  Glad to hear that you are seeing a psychologist, I think it is important to have a good support system in place until you are feeling better.  After being on these drugs for such a long time, our brain has adapted to its presence and it takes time for things to settle back to normal and function the way it is suppose to function.  Think it's important that we try not to fight the anxiety and personally I think it just makes things worse. As well, floating through neuroemotions is so important.  If you fight them, you make them stronger, if you ignore them - the same.  But acknowledging them, naming them, and floating with them - until they release and let go of you - is a valuable tool. Thought maybe some of the links below might help you get to walk through some of the more difficult times and learn to manage the anxiety so it lessens its impact on us.  

 

Powerback has some good insight on one way to try and manage the panic and anxiety and I read about another trick that can help.  All of these techniques take practice until our brain becomes accustomed to functioning in a different way, i.e., the anxiety or the normal way we manage uncomfortable emotions has put a groove into our system whereby as uncomfortable as it is, its familiar, and the first place we go, and until we practice and learn a new way of thinking, that groove just gets deeper.  Once we start practicing mindfulness and acceptance, we start scratching the surface until we master it and put a new groove into our way of thinking and with a little practice, I believe we can rewrite the way we think and manage emotions.  Of course, it doesn't happen overnight, I've been trying to change the way I naturally manage anxiety (not too well) by continually challenging my go to way of thinking.  It's a slow process, believe me, it takes a while to overcome our natural tendencies and to find new ways of thinking.    

 

Mindfulness and Acceptance

Neuro Emotions

Non-Drug Techniques to Cope with Emotional Symptoms

[scottly9999]

On 10/7/2017 at 1:43 PM, baroquep said:

Hi Scottly, Congratulations for getting off of Lexapro in such a careful manner.  I am not personally familiar with the drug but have heard that it is among one of the most potent antidepressants on the market, so good for you, it couldn't have been easy.  Glad to hear that you are seeing a psychologist, I think it is important to have a good support system in place until you are feeling better.  After being on these drugs for such a long time, our brain has adapted to its presence and it takes time for things to settle back to normal and function the way it is suppose to function.  Think it's important that we try not to fight the anxiety and personally I think it just makes things worse. As well, floating through neuroemotions is so important.  If you fight them, you make them stronger, if you ignore them - the same.  But acknowledging them, naming them, and floating with them - until they release and let go of you - is a valuable tool. Thought maybe some of the links below might help you get to walk through some of the more difficult times and learn to manage the anxiety so it lessens its impact on us.  

 

Powerback has some good insight on one way to try and manage the panic and anxiety and I read about another trick that can help.  All of these techniques take practice until our brain becomes accustomed to functioning in a different way, i.e., the anxiety or the normal way we manage uncomfortable emotions has put a groove into our system whereby as uncomfortable as it is, its familiar, and the first place we go, and until we practice and learn a new way of thinking, that groove just gets deeper.  Once we start practicing mindfulness and acceptance, we start scratching the surface until we master it and put a new groove into our way of thinking and with a little practice, I believe we can rewrite the way we think and manage emotions.  Of course, it doesn't happen overnight, I've been trying to change the way I naturally manage anxiety (not too well) by continually challenging my go to way of thinking.  It's a slow process, believe me, it takes a while to overcome our natural tendencies and to find new ways of thinking.    

 

Mindfulness and Acceptance

Neuro Emotions

Non-Drug Techniques to Cope with Emotional Symptoms

 

Thank you Baroquep.

Although the congratulations on getting to 0mg seems a bit hollow - as although the taper WAS difficult, the fact that the drug was still acting on my nervous system meant that I was shielded from the more nasty aspects that have been unleashed since hitting 0.

 

I'm getting the feeling that most of the people who have survived and got better really embraced the acceptance and letting go mindsets.

The natural tendency to get completely caught up in the inner strain and stress and anguish is so strong.

The emotions are really stronger than they should be.

the total dispair and dread and doom, and the feeling of "the worst case scenario just happened" is so compelling.

Even if it's somewhat true.

Even distraction seems difficult.

I notice that currently the most effective distraction is lots of talking to lots of friends, about just stuff.  nothnig fancy or deep.

 

I'm finding that I've been suffering consistently HIGH levels of extreme anxiety currently - it sort of changes what it's about, but I'm just run ragged currently.

I can feel the physical affect it's had on my body - feel totally depleated.

Yet, the insomnia has really kicked in with early waking.

 

I'm struggling to give a voice to my anxious thoughts and name them, and "ride with them"

What is the difference between ignoring them and floating with them?

How can I float???

There is a bit section in The Happiness Trap where it talks about "Expansion", which is where you notice where the emotion has manifested itself in your body - notice it, welcome it, and look at it, what shape does it have?  how does it feel?  Study it as if you were a scientist and then breathe in and around it.

Stop struggling with it.

I find it really hard to do.

 

During all this time of months of barely any windows, I've worried that I've created patterns of thinking that'll stay with me now.

 

[scottly9999]

Check in time...

 

Not a lot has changed.. the intense tight muscle stress and anxiety has eased off... it was there for a long time.

It's replaced itself with depression again...

I sort of had a few glances of relief, but not very long lasting.

I'm almost 100% convinced this is mostly withdrawal - as the emotion is pretty much there 100% of the time, not as a result of specific thoughts...

so the feeling is there - so your brain makes it real.

You can't really do much to switch it off either.

 

Really looking into the Claire Weekes "floating" stuff, trying to relax into it and trust it'll pass.

It's hard to trust it though - as you still haev nagging doubts that the emotions ARE coming from REAL things and situations.

 

Basically from what I've read, the brain is rapidly healing itself, and all the systems of the brain are firing all off-kilter and creating these emotions of dread, doom, anxiety, panic, "worse case scenario has come true", "I can't cope with my life"... on and on and on...

AND it has NO OTHER WAY to work, but to MAKE it real... it is constantly scrambling to connect the dots of what could POSSIBLY make me FEEL the way I am.

It's lying.

The grain of truth in the thoughts IS THERE, but the reason they're active - is mostly lies.

 

I need to relax into and above the emotions.

I need to meditate daily to grow my observing mind that doesn't associate with the feelings so strongly.

 

I can't "fix" any of the thoughts.

i'm constantly looking at how I feel now about my life - and thinking this is how I'll feel forever... and how facing an empty nest in years to come, how much worst that will be!!!!

The Inner desperation, the restlessless, and no-safe-place in my mind is horrible to experience.

The "shell of a human" is SO true.

 

So again, the relating of how I feel now in my brain is linked to what my life is like now, and thinking it'll only get worse!!!

I seem to need a LOT of external social stimulation now - I never used to, in fact after being around people too much CRAVED my own space.

Now I can't stand my own space - a desperate bit to try and escape myself.

Where is there to go but in myself!?

 

I'm about to go on holiday with teh family for 2 weeks - and this should be good.

A change of pace - NO work (which is SO BORING currently)... and quality time with the family.

I probably wno't logon much then, but thanks for anybody who reads my story.

 

[scottly9999]

Hi FSL

 

Actually been meaning to post for a while.

It's been a while.  I've been busy.

We had our family holiday, which was mostly good.

The weather was very ordinary (Aussie slang for not good) to start with.

But we made the most of it.

I felt VERY distant from my wife most of the trip - and we didn't speak much, and were slightly snappy with each other too.

but not hostile, just distant.

I felt very low a lot of the time - just being away from home, feeling a bit of strain with the wife, and noticing how much older step-son is these days... and how he enjoys time with us, but really enjoys his girlfriend and his mates more - just that time of life... where he pulls away.

We did all the theme parks, and rollercoasters which was great fun.  Step son and I love those!

Wife was cranky that we were going on them - but I reminded her that while we are here!

Had some great moments overall and memories too.

Drove down to stay with friends for a few days towards the end..

although their house was small and their 2 kids unruly - we all PINED to be home by this stage.

When we got home, it was a huge wave of happiness washed over me... like I hadn't felt in ages.

it felt natural - really appreciated the space and the home for what it is, and hte people in it.

And I"ve been that way ever since.

Perfect content to just be - to sit quietly, or read, or do an activity.

Music is appealing again.

I'm not overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, despair or loss or trauma.

 

In fact, it seems so alien to me that expderience that I've been describing since.

 

Even at work on a bad day - I'm still good in myself.

 

I've since had a chat to the wife and sorted a few things out.

I explained it wasn't fair to her for me to unlaod all of what I've been experiencing in this withdrawal, the deep messed up **** that it pushes you into.

and it's been a struggle to literally get through each day - let alone being an attentive husband and father.

Purely based on selfish interests moment to moment.

 

With this window / growth - not sure exactly what it is, the focus is outward again.

 

I just feel normal - like me.

Withdrawal seems so distant, yet so bad.

 

We've been watching the new STranger Things 2 - and I described it being stuck in the upside down - and it's just horrible... and lonely and isolating.

 

 

I don't know if this is just a window or what it is... but it's very good and I'm hpapy with it for now.

 

My neck has been thrown out - and that is causing a LOT of pain.

Also insomnia is REALLY bad - waking at 3-4 and generally thats it.

Either hayfever (which I don't normally get) or the feeling of getting a cold.. but never happens..

Also a strange uncomfortable senseation just below my solar plexus region - like a tremor, but a mild ache - not sure what it is.

PHysically not doing THAT well, but emotionally - I'm very good.

 

How is everybody else???

 

[scottly9999]

Hi FSL

 

Actually - the wife and I had a great chat, and sorted a lot of things out...

feel much closer - closest we've been in ages!

So it's good in that department too.

She said I've been starting to look like my old self a bit here and there too.

 

Hopefully it continues!

 

The last 6 months have been truly awful, undescribable depression and fear.

Having this is a holiday!!!

 

[LexAnger]

Finally!!!!

So happy for you. 

[scottly9999]

I KNOW!!!!

How good is it!?!?!

I hope it lasts!

 

[LexAnger]

It will! Even if it fluctuates for a bit while, it can only get better!

I'm on the same track too, feeling the healing everyday!

 

Keep the faith. It should be right at the corner. 

[scottly9999]

Hi Lex

 

We seem to have been quite parallel through all this.

Similar big ups and downs at roughly the same times!

 

Yep - I'm taking it for what it is.

 

[TheWayBack]

I'm not posting my updates any more and don't check this forum except for my correspondence with Lex, but I somehow needed to check on you. Being a Lexapro victim that got into trouble too.

 

But MAN, I'm filled up to the brim with hope and joy if I read your latest update. Enjoy the windows, man! (or maybe the final destination, who knows). I'm soooo glad for you! This will give you a nice outlook on recovery, no?

 

 

[powerback]

On ‎05‎/‎11‎/‎2017 at 9:58 PM, scottly9999 said:

Hi FSL

 

Actually been meaning to post for a while.

It's been a while.  I've been busy.

We had our family holiday, which was mostly good.

The weather was very ordinary (Aussie slang for not good) to start with.

But we made the most of it.

I felt VERY distant from my wife most of the trip - and we didn't speak much, and were slightly snappy with each other too.

but not hostile, just distant.

I felt very low a lot of the time - just being away from home, feeling a bit of strain with the wife, and noticing how much older step-son is these days... and how he enjoys time with us, but really enjoys his girlfriend and his mates more - just that time of life... where he pulls away.

We did all the theme parks, and rollercoasters which was great fun.  Step son and I love those!

Wife was cranky that we were going on them - but I reminded her that while we are here!

Had some great moments overall and memories too.

Drove down to stay with friends for a few days towards the end..

although their house was small and their 2 kids unruly - we all PINED to be home by this stage.

When we got home, it was a huge wave of happiness washed over me... like I hadn't felt in ages.

it felt natural - really appreciated the space and the home for what it is, and hte people in it.

And I"ve been that way ever since.

Perfect content to just be - to sit quietly, or read, or do an activity.

Music is appealing again.

I'm not overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, despair or loss or trauma.

 

In fact, it seems so alien to me that expderience that I've been describing since.

 

Even at work on a bad day - I'm still good in myself.

 

I've since had a chat to the wife and sorted a few things out.

I explained it wasn't fair to her for me to unlaod all of what I've been experiencing in this withdrawal, the deep messed up **** that it pushes you into.

and it's been a struggle to literally get through each day - let alone being an attentive husband and father.

Purely based on selfish interests moment to moment.

 

With this window / growth - not sure exactly what it is, the focus is outward again.

 

I just feel normal - like me.

Withdrawal seems so distant, yet so bad.

 

We've been watching the new STranger Things 2 - and I described it being stuck in the upside down - and it's just horrible... and lonely and isolating.

 

 

I don't know if this is just a window or what it is... but it's very good and I'm hpapy with it for now.

 

My neck has been thrown out - and that is causing a LOT of pain.

Also insomnia is REALLY bad - waking at 3-4 and generally thats it.

Either hayfever (which I don't normally get) or the feeling of getting a cold.. but never happens..

Also a strange uncomfortable senseation just below my solar plexus region - like a tremor, but a mild ache - not sure what it is.

PHysically not doing THAT well, but emotionally - I'm very good.

 

How is everybody else???

 

Hi scottly I can so relate and empathise with you about the unloading on family ,I did the same with my mother and a little less with my partner and it hasn't worked out well for me ,I've just worried them sick ,so I get a bit conflicted about all the ads on the radio in Ireland at the moment about opening up and sharing ones problems [mental health awareness]  ,from what I see its just not possible ,human beings are not equipped to deal with these issues .

 

I wonder if its an instinctive thing about weakness ,I believe I'm giving off serious self doubt and weakness of character in this process ,my soul is lost [horrible feeling ].

The likes of all the members suffering here need to take a huge dollop of compassion for our selves and realise we don't mean any harm ,we can show it in other aspects in how we interact with family .

A couple of weeks ago I had an unload on my mam and i didn't like  here upset so since then I've promised not to talk about it again ,I have an inexpensive counsellor set up for unloading and ile do it for the rest of my taper .but I'm afraid I've said to much to them already .

there is no handbook for this process ,I suppose were all writing it here in a way .

 

Hope you find relief from your neck soon. Take care and respect .

PB

[scottly9999]

Hi Everybody

 

Well, my life has returned to normal - was away on holiday for nearly 2 weeks (which was good - mostly - and was discussed in previous post).

I had a very hectic week back at work - covering for a few people, then off interstate for demanding physical work through a weekend.

During this time I felt like I was rundown and had a cold or virus or something - felt stuffy in my sinuses and a bit tired, and a sore throat...

But it never fully emerged as a cold, and nothing some Codral couldn't suppress.

 

The work trip was very successful and as usual, very tiring.

I lost a bit of weight, due to the high temperature and sweating so much!

 

I was feeling very good during most of the trip - was busy most evenings with collegue for meals etc.

Due to the timezone, usually asleep early evening.

 

The last day I was there, I took myself off to a part of town I'd not visited before, and had a meal on my own - which felt a bit weird..

and I started to get those yucky lonely feelings again.

THey haven't really left my side since - thats been about a week.

They reduced a bit when I got home, I was glad to get home.

 

I've been MUCH closer to the wife of late too, which has been great.

 

But I keep circling those HORRIBLE yukcy feelings of despair when I think about my life situation now.

How the feeling of abject loneliness and emptiness is JUST around the corner now.

This is somethign i NEVER EVER felt in my life - until this withdrawal process AND Losing my Dad 5 years ago.

It's the same theme that repeats in my mind.

How isolated I feel, the thought of going into the future how that'll only get worse...

the boredom the dark empty house... 

EVEN though there are people IN IT!!!!!!!!!

Thats what doesn't make a lot of sense.

I think it's because my parents WERE always there - they were MINE - they cared about me in a way that nobody else ever can.

I think it is about becoming an adult orphan... with no sisters, or brothers ,or cousins to share this with.

It's all just on me.

I have a lovely wife - that really I couldn't ask for a better companion in life.

A wonderful step-son whom I share interests with and humour etc... but he's 20 now - and out most weekends.

It just feels like these important people in my life aren't there anybody - it gave me a sense of peace and security that seems to have been ripped away.

 

I never thought I'd be this age and feel this insecurity.

Esp with a wife and children.

It doesn't make sense to me.

 

An emptiness and dread of the future - how the boredom will only increase.

It's through a lack of finding interest in my hobbies like I used to - and the feeling of being alone is just terrifying to me now - it never used to be.

 

I have to say that these emotions aren't quite at the same level they were for the previous 6 months - but it's a return to the bad ways for sure.

 

I think I did have a window - it was by FAR the longest window I've had.

 

I also felt an extreme amount of tension throughout my body during the "window" too - which was odd - or at least in the build up to it.

very tight and painful across left upper chest, into shoulder.

My neck - I'm sure was caused by the tension.

Thats mostly come good now.

 

Since I've been back, I've been crippled with extreme fatigue - of which I"ve not quite experienced before.

where I can't keep my eyes open in the evening.

Again the timezone of how I travelled dictates that it should be the other way around!

I was away 6 nights - so was able to be in the new timezone.

 

ANyway - this is a bit of a ramble.

It's not as bad as I have been, but the past 4 weeks did show me another dimension which was good, and healthy - and gave me a LOT of hope.

 

[LexAnger]

This is one of the most frustrating part of the journey, that we are throw back to the waves again and again making us feeling desparate and hopeless, but still we see the sure pattern for so many that once the window opens, it will come back again and gets bigger and wider!  

 

Im in the same boat been in the worst wave since a week ago and still in profound pain and agony. Can't believe how much this process takes but will continue the fight. At least we are not putting the poison into our bodies.

 

 

[scottly9999]

12 hours ago, FSL said:

 

Hi dear buddy

 

I honestly think this could be addressed with counseling. Have you ever considered having therapy sessions with a psychologist? To let it all out?

Man I know it has a lot to do with WD but if you don't break that cycle, you won't come off of it. 

Psychologists are trained to work with us, they care and have tools to try to make us see things in a different way. Sometimes I have the sensation that you live in your bubble of suffering and you are patiently waiting for it to go away. And it will but you can have support along the way. In many ways, it should help you. You deserve support, you are a brave man.

 

Sending out love and good vibes,

 

Take care buddy

 

Hi hear ya!

I did have some councelling a few months back - but was really going around in circles.

The emotions of withdrawal were too much to cope with, totally overwhelming.

 

I think it needs to settle a bit and I can see the bits that need working on clearer.

 

It was only in the 5th session - that we sort of worked on some stuff, otherwise it was 4 hours of me just talking - and him trying to find a way in, as it was looping an existential.

He was good, but didn't really grasp it all.

 

I think if I was to do it again (this was covered with a mental health care plan which keeps the cost down) I'll have a clearer picture of what is troubling me.

 

I've seen it here a few times that withdrawal is NOT the time to seek councelling - even though you are suffering hellishly.

 

Most of us in withdrawal are effectively in a bubble of withdrawal suffering!!

 

[TheWayBack]

How are you doing now, Scottly?

[scottly9999]

Hi - long overdue update.

It's been a while.

In all honesty - not a lot has changed.

 

As I'm now months and months out from when I finally took my last dose of Lexapro - I'd say that the acute phase has finished now - the wild mood swings, the intensity of the anxiety - the dread, horror and just insanity of those first few months - has subsided.

I don't even know how to describe that period - it was hellish - felt surreal as if it was all a horrible nightmare of my own brain.

 

I'm left with an empty - more "normal" feeling of being depressed and restless.

The crushing anxiety has mostly gone now.

 

So in terms of healing and recovery - it's still happening, but it's so slow.

The feeling of depression are pretty constant, I get a LITTLE bit of relief here and there.

 

I did have a very big fight with the wife over a few issues that I really needed to put my foot down over.

 

It also feels like I'm dealing with a sort of mid-life crisis type feeling - related?

I just don't know!

I keep swapping between this is just me - it's withdrawal, it's midlife?

It's adjusting to my new reality of no parents - and really no other immediate family that I can relate to.

I have 1 uncle - who lives such a different life to me it's not funny... he's also been exceptionally sick the last few months.

I fell out with Mum's cousin over her funeral - so Dad's side of family is in Scotland - and pretty much no contact..

Mum's side is all but gone.

My wife is also an orphan - and all her family is UK based also.

So it's just us 4.

And it PAINS me SO MUCH when I see people catching up with brothers, and sisters and cousins, and nephews etc.

I'm strugglign with that - but it's becoming clearer to me what that is.

 

Since losing my parents - I used to be quite content and comfy with a more introverted type lifestyle, now I can't seem to stand it.

and I'm all setup and geared around being introverted.

 

I need to do some soul searching, and come to terms with my life situation.

"No matter where I go - there I am."

 

The councelling I had really didn't seem to go deep into this - or really address this at all.

I have 1 session left on my "care plan", but reluctant to go back for one more - we seemed to have to over everything all the time.

 

Although it's quite intense what I've typed above, it's not as bad as it has been.

 

I'm finding I'm comparing SO MANY THINGS about my life and choices with everybody else, and of course, I come up short in lots of ways.

I've just started reading the book "the subtle art of not giving a f**k", and it actually seems to sort of resonate.

I feel I've been caught up in a feedback loop of subconsciously trying to PROVE how much of an interesting life I have... but to who??

I don't know!!!

I'll let you know how I get on with the book.

 

I've been talking to the wife a bit more about my emotions - feeling restless and empty often

she's been good.

 

I feel sort of stuck in a psychological trap of I need more, but more of what I don't know..

more family... but how MUCH MORE? 

Of what exactly?

I don't know...

the answer really is in accepting what I have... but I'm really struggling to do that.

 

Again, never wrestled with thoughts and emotions like I have the last bunch of years since being on and off Lexapro - I used to be able to cut through really well when I was younger.

I was able to lay some ground work that gave me some peace and build on that.

 

Which leads me back to withdrawal - I'm still somewhat early really... if I read the success stories, 1-2 years seems the average.

I'm not even 1 year, AND had a MASSIVE emotional upheaval in that time space too.

 

I need to be more patient with myself.

 

 

[RealMe]

6 minutes ago, scottly9999 said:

The feeling of depression are pretty constant, I get a LITTLE bit of relief here and there.

So glad to read about your successful taper.  I've been on ADs for so long, I don't know what normal for me would be like.  Will I be depressed and anxious?  Obviously when I first agreed to take psychotropic drugs, I felt I couldn't bear feeling what I was feeling, so why do I think I will be able to tolerate it when I finally come off this drug?  

 

In spite of this negative thinking (fear), I want very much to be drug free.  I'm one of those people who was convinced that withdrawal symptoms were my mental illness symptoms resurfacing.  No one ever suggested that if I tapered rationally, that I might be depression-free or even just ok.  So many wasted years, but now I'm on my way to healing.

 

I can relate to your feelings of loneliness.  I try to put myself out there socially even if it's just a little bit.  Today I went to a cookie exchange with a bunch of women, and I fought feelings of being different and boring.  I did my best to join in.  I'm sure I was just an ordinary guest, like the others, but I had to keep that in mind when the urge to retreat was upon me.  The upshot is that I did it...and came home with a bunch of holiday cookies (which I don't eat because of sugar, but can enjoy how pretty and festive they are).

 

I wonder what you do to "get a little bit of relief here and there" and how that feels.  I am so impressed with the way you survived AD's.

 

 

[scottly9999]

1 hour ago, RealMe said:

So glad to read about your successful taper.  I've been on ADs for so long, I don't know what normal for me would be like.  Will I be depressed and anxious?  Obviously when I first agreed to take psychotropic drugs, I felt I couldn't bear feeling what I was feeling, so why do I think I will be able to tolerate it when I finally come off this drug?  

 

In spite of this negative thinking (fear), I want very much to be drug free.  I'm one of those people who was convinced that withdrawal symptoms were my mental illness symptoms resurfacing.  No one ever suggested that if I tapered rationally, that I might be depression-free or even just ok.  So many wasted years, but now I'm on my way to healing.

 

I can relate to your feelings of loneliness.  I try to put myself out there socially even if it's just a little bit.  Today I went to a cookie exchange with a bunch of women, and I fought feelings of being different and boring.  I did my best to join in.  I'm sure I was just an ordinary guest, like the others, but I had to keep that in mind when the urge to retreat was upon me.  The upshot is that I did it...and came home with a bunch of holiday cookies (which I don't eat because of sugar, but can enjoy how pretty and festive they are).

 

I wonder what you do to "get a little bit of relief here and there" and how that feels.  I am so impressed with the way you survived AD's.

 

 

Hi RealMe

 

I'm not out of the woods yet - so I'm not a success story, but I'm not giving up - even when it's been at it's most hopeless - and I've honestly felt like I've had NOTHING to live for  - literally no reason to go on - nothing felt good..

I just won't give up.

Not sure why.

I'ts not like I'm actively FIGHTING this, just surviving day to day - trying to smile when I can - finding little moments of happiness here and there.

The worst part is the disconnectedness... the disillusionment and anhedonia now.

 

As for what I do for relief, I've found that being social helps - and when I'm not - I'm stuck with my own mind and emotions.

Playing guitar here and there and bits of reading.

Having a few things to look forward to - even if I don't end up enjoying them as much as I would have liked.

 

Also been taking some 5-HTP (I'm so far out of SSRI it's safe), not sure if it's really helping or not/??

 

I do have good friends that are very dear to me.

BUT I'm in a group chat with 7 other people at work, and I fundamentally don't like some of their very harsh and judgemental attitudes... and it annoys me that I'm spending more time with these people than my GOOD friends.  My good friends are exceptionally busy with their work and family life - so we only message each other once a week or so... I'd like more TBH.

 

It's good that you did that cookie exchange!

 

[scottly9999]

Hi All

 

Waaaaay overdue for an update.

 

Not a huge amount to report - I seem to be out of the acute phase - well and truely.

Still struggling with a persistent depressed feeling.

Feels different to how I was when I was SUPER DUPER depressed, and every minute of the day was agony.

 

This feels more like a settled in low level depression.

It's affecting most areas.

I'm able to eat normally, sleep sort of ok (i'd like a bit more - waking early)..

able to have a bit of a laugh with guys at work - and usually get people to really roar with laughter a lot... but inside, feels empty and hollow.

 

Again - it's SLIGHTLY less than it has been.

 

I have to remind myself I was only 0mg at May last year... thats really only 9-10 months ago.

 

I'm able to cope better -b ut still a LONG way from being content and happy.

The inner restless emotional restlessness...

Like a midlife crisis type feeling - unsettled...

I get the tiniest glimpses here and there, but mostly distracting myself.

It's SOO annoying, as I want to by fully there and supportive of my lovely daughter, but I'm only just getting through the day.

 

I've slowly found myself being invited to more and more things with different people, and my wife isn't overly happy about it - plus my work trips away from home.

 

So it's difficult.

 

I don't think about surviving AD's as much on a daily basis - and I think that in itself is a good thing...

they say how people slowly get better, they drift away from this site.

The very site that when you're in the midst of the worst of it, you cling on for any hope.

 

But the truth is - you just think about other thigns.

 

[LexAnger]

Such a great update Scottly. You should be very proud of yourself! 

 

My gosh, still takes so long after a years slow taper! 

 

Not thinking about surviving each day is a huge sign of survival!

 

Sending you more healing vibes!

 

Lex 

[scottly9999]

Hi all.

 

Ok - update.

For the last few weeks, I've been battling a lingering but also fairly strong depression - that just won't seem to fully go away.

Even when distracting myself with something, it's still there, reminding me it's there - waiting for me to be quiet, to play with my mind - to crush my soul - again.

I have been having a few lingering issues with my wife - nothing serious, but she also has been suffering depression, and pulling away - which has just exacerbated my crippling fear of ending up completely alone.

I didn't even realize I had this fear, until withdrawal forced it to the surface.

anyway - so my journey has really been extremely challenging, and personally very very scary - and well... almost broke me.

I've been at the lowest point of my life - for a very long time - esp once the Lexapro pooped out on me - losing Dad and then the emotional spiral caused by both..

the withdrawal is bad enough - but to put a fundamentally life changing thing like losing the best role model you would ever hope to have in my Dad...

and suddenly looking after Mum and then losing her.

Lots has changed in a few short years.

Lexapro numbs you out SO MUCH that you don't really process stuff properly - things you think you moved past while on it, nope - still there!  Unresolved.

SSRI's literally shut down whole parts of your brain.

 

ANyway - I'm posting to say that I think I'm in a nice window.

I've been quite distant from my lovely wife - and over the weekend, I brought the topic up with her that things aren't great.

As she's still on an SSRI (Citalopram - much milder than Lexapro) she was fairly unaware really of there being a few issues.

Anyway - she was hurt and upset, but quickly came to see the truth in what I was saying - without blame, or fighting, or any aggressive tone.

It made me feel REALLY connected to her, my daughter, my step-son and my friends...

I felt at peace in the world and my place in it.

 

It has cemented that the MAJORITY of what I'm feeling is withdrawal causing extreme negativity in emotions to be created - and made real in my mind.

I actually feel a sense of relief and calm.

 

I'm aware it might pass - but if I'm able to tap into this now - I'm able to tap into it in future.

It really is just riding out the changes that have to be undone.

the patience you learn (you have to), the acceptance.

 

I do feel like I'm starting to get back to me.

The windows feel more real each time I have them... with less background depression threatening to break through again..

 

Either way - I hope EVERYBODY is making progress - sorry I haven't updated much - but there hasn't been many changes.

The early days of taper, the changes were thick and fast.

Those changes seem less dramatic and less frequent now - and have a more realness quality to them now.

 

peace out (for now).

 

[TheWayBack]

Glad to hear you are having some good moments Scottly! I have been thinking about you a lot!