Jump to content
scottly9999

scottly9999: Lexapro nightmare

Recommended Posts

scottly9999   
scottly9999

Help from members please...

I keep circling over and over the following thoughts...

That my lofe is doomed to be this way forever.

How empty i feel...

I just had a good long time friend and his wife over and 2 young kids...

It was nice.  But the whole time they were here cobstant feeling of dread thatbas soon as they go im back to being almost on my own.

I have my wife here, and daughter... but both do their own thing.

Even with step son here for a few hours the house was quite full, but still reminded me of how empty and hopeless i feel inside.

It feels so real to me.

How doomed i am that itll only get worse when the kids finally move out in years and years to come.

That im at that age where as a mle you dont tend to mingle with your friends as much, all busy with own family... im finding myself with mlre time on my hands.

 

Its a deep seated inner desparation type feeling..

Desparate to connect with people.

 

It has fo be WD but it feels so real to me... that as it feels real i cant find a solution and i cant stand it, how my life feels to me.

 

 I used to be happy to mooch by myself, that desperate feeling of something very bad thats going to happen, how my lofe is a mess amd empty..

Srgh.

How to accept it.?

It feels so real and as if my worst fear has come true.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
powerback   
powerback
23 minutes ago, scottly9999 said:

Help from members please...

I keep circling over and over the following thoughts...

That my lofe is doomed to be this way forever.

How empty i feel...

I just had a good long time friend and his wife over and 2 young kids...

It was nice.  But the whole time they were here cobstant feeling of dread thatbas soon as they go im back to being almost on my own.

I have my wife here, and daughter... but both do their own thing.

Even with step son here for a few hours the house was quite full, but still reminded me of how empty and hopeless i feel inside.

It feels so real to me.

How doomed i am that itll only get worse when the kids finally move out in years and years to come.

That im at that age where as a mle you dont tend to mingle with your friends as much, all busy with own family... im finding myself with mlre time on my hands.

 

Its a deep seated inner desparation type feeling..

Desparate to connect with people.

 

It has fo be WD but it feels so real to me... that as it feels real i cant find a solution and i cant stand it, how my life feels to me.

 

 I used to be happy to mooch by myself, that desperate feeling of something very bad thats going to happen, how my lofe is a mess amd empty..

Srgh.

How to accept it.?

It feels so real and as if my worst fear has come true.

 

 

HI scottly I have the same feelings of desperation it must be down to the huge depression we are experiencing ,our minds want a break .I'm in an awful state at the moment .I believe if I moved from were I live I would get peace but how do I do it when I'm too sick to work .its a living nightmare ,I co habit with someone that just irritates the living hell out of me [irritation is another nasty symptom of depression ].how the hell do we treat the depression ,surely we cant just stare at the walls and expect it to change is my belief .

what I am experiencing makes my drinking and hangover days seem like nothing .

I fear my peace of mind is forever gone I just hope it comes back .

take care we deserve so much peace .

PB

Share this post


Link to post
FSL   
FSL

Hi, guys!

 

That inner feeling of desperation is WD full force. It is not real, but the absence of the chemical in the drug you were taking makes your mind turn inside out. 

 

Can't you guys distract yourselves with any hobbies including sports? Doesn't have to be anything complex, basically running shoes and a t-shirt would do.  Running is a good and effective way of releasing endorphins into your system.

I'm running, well I've run 4 half marathons this year and now I started playing the piano. Still, have my ups and downs during my process like everyone else but these distractions help me feel normal and alive.

 

FSL

 

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999
11 hours ago, FSL said:

Hi, guys!

 

That inner feeling of desperation is WD full force. It is not real, but the absence of the chemical in the drug you were taking makes your mind turn inside out. 

 

Can't you guys distract yourselves with any hobbies including sports? Doesn't have to be anything complex, basically running shoes and a t-shirt would do.  Running is a good and effective way of releasing endorphins into your system.

I'm running, well I've run 4 half marathons this year and now I started playing the piano. Still, have my ups and downs during my process like everyone else but these distractions help me feel normal and alive.

 

FSL

 

Hi FSL

 

Thanks for stopping by.

I'm not a runner - never have been since I was a kid.

I really really dislike it.

I'm working out what sporting or exercise activity to get stuck into - currently just walking to get some movement and base level of fitness.

My right knee is a bit dickie these days - but thinking Karate - as it's great focus.

I'm not a "gym" person.

 

Congrats on your 4 half marathons!

 

I do have hobbies - but finding breaking through the crippling anxiety, depression or anhedonia extremely testing.

I do play guitar - purely for me, but finding a LOT of music incredibly activating in a negative way.

Watching a lot of tv is helping to soothe currently... and trying to plan things with friends.

 

Was looking at real estate with the wife - she often just daydreams looking at other properties..

but I started thinking about the house we live in - and how it's nice and good, but with step son being 20 - he doesn't have room to breathe - doesn't invite his friends over, he's always goign to somebody else's place - as there isn't space for him to entertain without taking over.

So looking at things that might a have a different space for him to organize himself more - it'll be 5+ years before he looks at moving out yet, just looking at logistics.

We have no desire to kick him out.

Anyway - I saw on the real estate site you can see history of properties, so I looked up my house I spent my formative years - and was blwon away by how good it looks.

BUT It also was EXTREMELY unsettling...

I've not been able to concentrate at work since.

It tapped into that deep inner desperation I'm facing - who am I ?  Where am I?

It's like a full-blown midlife crisis.

Losing both parents, looming half empty nest...

Everything seems very very VERY unsettled in my life - like I almost can't cope.

Hobbies aren't as fulfilling, I can't relax the way I used to for most of my life upto this point....

Work is BORING - and frustrating with little direction.

I LOVE my wife, but with all these elements cascading, I'm not feeling it right now - and so the deep desperateion and EXTREME unsettled feeling is really cranking up.

 

It feels W/D, but also midlife crisis - and all amplified through each other.

 

As of writing this - feelin like I'm losing it...

i NEVER EVER EVER thought I'd end up like this...

I am slap bang in the worst time period of W/D.

 

reading people's success stories reassures me that they had effectively the same...

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999
On 9/23/2017 at 6:44 PM, powerback said:

HI scottly I have the same feelings of desperation it must be down to the huge depression we are experiencing ,our minds want a break .I'm in an awful state at the moment .I believe if I moved from were I live I would get peace but how do I do it when I'm too sick to work .its a living nightmare ,I co habit with someone that just irritates the living hell out of me [irritation is another nasty symptom of depression ].how the hell do we treat the depression ,surely we cant just stare at the walls and expect it to change is my belief .

what I am experiencing makes my drinking and hangover days seem like nothing .

I fear my peace of mind is forever gone I just hope it comes back .

take care we deserve so much peace .

PB

Hi PB

I hear ya!!!!

I'm in a same but different position.

That inner restlessness (the words don't even come close to doing it justice) is unreal.

My issue with the setup - is I LOVE my wife, but my brain isn't letting me feelin the comfort and pleasure with just being with her - that I had for SO LONG, and was a solace for me in times of discomfort, but like you say, this is unlike anything else we've experienced.

The feeling is so overwhelming - so primal - so raw - and yet doesn't make much sense of anything.

Just so much emotion, swirling around, confusing - struggling to latch onto something.

 

Mine seems to be quite existential in nature.
I would have NEVER guessed I'd be feeling the feelings I'm feeling now - even 12 months ago ... I could feel an inner disquiet bubbling away - but this is something else entirely.

staring back at my past - looking for answers... too scared of the future and how my mind just sees dread and emptiness ahead!!!

argh.

I think I need to re-read some of the material that helped me a bit early on.

I can feel the tension building down my neck at the total anxiety !!!

 

Share this post


Link to post
powerback   
powerback
4 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

Hi PB

I hear ya!!!!

I'm in a same but different position.

That inner restlessness (the words don't even come close to doing it justice) is unreal.

My issue with the setup - is I LOVE my wife, but my brain isn't letting me feelin the comfort and pleasure with just being with her - that I had for SO LONG, and was a solace for me in times of discomfort, but like you say, this is unlike anything else we've experienced.

The feeling is so overwhelming - so primal - so raw - and yet doesn't make much sense of anything.

Just so much emotion, swirling around, confusing - struggling to latch onto something.

 

Mine seems to be quite existential in nature.
I would have NEVER guessed I'd be feeling the feelings I'm feeling now - even 12 months ago ... I could feel an inner disquiet bubbling away - but this is something else entirely.

staring back at my past - looking for answers... too scared of the future and how my mind just sees dread and emptiness ahead!!!

argh.

I think I need to re-read some of the material that helped me a bit early on.

I can feel the tension building down my neck at the total anxiety !!!

 

ye rereading positive material is a must ,Ive gone from the usual horrible waking anxiety to manic excitement in 2 hours so even excitement has to be monitored so its quiet the cycle .I almost had an unnerving acceptance just now of my situation but it wont last ;).

ive got strong impulsivity today and its a nice sunny day so ile go and catch you again .

Peace and take care

PB

Share this post


Link to post
FSL   
FSL
11 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

As of writing this - feelin like I'm losing it...

i NEVER EVER EVER thought I'd end up like this...

I am slap bang in the worst time period of W/D

2

 

Does it include suicidal thoughts?

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999
4 hours ago, FSL said:

 

Does it include suicidal thoughts?

Sometimes yes.

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999

Update Time.

 

Not much has changed really - not much of any windows or relief to be honest.

Just a constant deep seated feeling of horrible yuck.

Just a depressed anxious mess really.

Taking me all my strength to just get through each day - and get my job done... and try and socialize.

 

The urge to "escape" from myself is very strong - the thought of having to spend time unplanned or by myself or just myself at my wife fills me with total dread... like I have NO life.

 

I remember wrestling with those sorts of thoughts when I was much much younger - I don't recall ever really resolving them, and they were the root of my extreme unhappiness in my early 20's, but this is on another level.

 

I've spent SO MUCH TIME ruminating and stewing in my constant agony of thoughts, it's not getting me anywhere.

 

Just trying to stay busy - not overly busy - but plan something, do something, try and meet friends here and there.

I do find that if I can socialize for a few hours - that I tend to "forget myself" a bit and it provides a bit of relief.

 

I just feel so heavy and serious most of the time, weight of the world, and not much to look forward to.

CLASSIC depression.

 

I spent a good few hours walking around shops on Saturday with the wife - she had a ball, I mostly enjoyed it, spending time with her, but the deep agitated feeling inside was nagging away constantly... it's only the intensity that changes.

 

Sometimes it's so bad, It feels like I'm losing it, and will be completely engulfed by the horror of whats inside me.

 

It seems I'm really in the middle of full-blown withdrawal now.. It feels different to a few months ago - still just as bad though.

 

I actually went to church for the first time with my wife on Sunday - it was mostly a pleasant experience.. .but was overwhelming at times.

So many nice people.  They "see" you too - lovely people.

But I felt a bit like a fish out of water.... but did connect with part of the sermon, and we met some of the church goers that couldn't make it for lunch - and that was nice

But the horrible unsettled total carnage feelings inside, makes it hard to fully connect with listening and talking about yourself properly.

I think they could see I was struggling a bit.

She offers spiritual guidance and councelling - in a very natural way.

I think that might be something I'd need.

 

If really feels as if your entire spirit is crushed in this withdrawal.

Our Brains seem to rebound after being forced into a particular way for so long.

 

I don't seem to have clear cut windows or waves anymore - and reading some of the success stories, that SEEMED to echo what they had too - they often had lengths of time of just constant misery.

 

I'm going to re-read the happiness trap - and the accepting and expansion, and try and meditate a bit more.

It doesn't seem that thinking and stressing and tryhig to "fix" this works... just the detachment, and TRYING To go about your life is the best we can do at this time.

 

Hope even just 1 person gets some relief REAL SOON!

:-)

 

Share this post


Link to post
waves12   
waves12

Hello Scottly9999

 

I have been reading your post for a while now as I feel very much the same emotions that you describe so well.

 

This intense feeling of loneliness is crippling for me too, the fact is I am alone and finding it so hard. I am ruminating all the time over the loss of family.  Both my parents died within a year of each other back in 1991 and 1992. I was 28 then and have always felt cheated the whole of my life but had to get on and bring up my two sons at the time.  My sons are both grown up now and the last one left officially 3 years ago, he had been at uni for 3 years before that but wasn't too far away and came home lots. He  now lives a 4/5 hour drive away from me and its so hard to meet up and has to be planned around his busy life.  His girlfriend has large family and I feel like a stranger when I go to visit, and more so since the dreaded CT off the AD'S.

 

My other son, 4 years older, lives an hour and 15 mins away by car but again is busy with work and has two little boys.  His girlfriend also has large family nearby so they spend a lot of time with them. I do drive up to visit, hard sometimes, but its usually for babysitting duties.

 

I have tried to explained to my sons about what is happening with me but they don't get it at all and feel l am putting on them by trying to get them to understand, they clearly don't get it because two minutes later my son asks me to babysit and sometimes it is until quite late and then I drive home as no bed to stay in with them.

 

I have a brother 25 minutes away and meet up with him once every couple of weeks for coffee in a coffee shop.  He has 3 young adult children and a wife all at home.

 

I had separated from my sons Dad many years ago but we were good friends and he would help me with things and was a good support for us.  He sadly passed away in 2011 after a long battle with cancer, he was early 50's. After this I felt so alone and lost and felt I was losing everyone close to be and felt abandoned yet again.  I put  all my time and emotions into my sons which was good but I also forget to make a life for myself and now feeling the effects of this.

 

So I feel pretty much alone and dealing with this WD alone is very hard work.  The responsibilities of house, garden, bills etc is overwhelming for me these days, I didn't feel this way before WD, or the reality was masked, I don't know anymore. I work from home which is isolating but it has also probably saved me financially as I would not have been able to face a new job during all this. My house is safe for now but my current work will end by end of March next year which several months ago I wasn't too worried about as I thought and hoped I would be through this WD.  I am now not so sure if I will be ok by then.

 

This journey is relentless and I get so scared too that I will never be ok again. I have had a few good days but it doesn't last long enough for me to feel confident in the process.

 

I just have to believe that all will be well.  I am also concerned that age is against me to make any kind of new life for myself and sometimes I just think I don't want a new life I just want my family to live around the corner, so starts the rumination over and over and over..........The dark dark depression is such a horrible feeling and I do have some pretty bad thoughts from time to time but hope keeps me going, that is the only thing available.

 

All my friends are getting on with their lives, have husbands, partners, some have a parent or two, their children and their grandchildren on their doorstep and I am so envious and think if only I had that I would be ok!!!!  I probably wouldn't be!  I am sure it would help a bit though.

 

I find the weekends incredibly difficult with being on my own and my friends are busy with family etc.

 

I am always thinking that if I could just get better I can start doing more things outside and then maybe find some new friends that are in a similar position to me.

 

I feel I have not been able to give you any help only to let you know that I feel much the same, and I do understand your feelings and emotions.

 

Hope you can have an ok day.

 

Waves

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
FSL   
FSL

Hang on there Scottly, just believe is a horrible part of the process, but a window will come eventually.

 

I wish you get a relief really soon. 

 

FSL

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999
13 hours ago, waves12 said:

Hello Scottly9999

 

I have been reading your post for a while now as I feel very much the same emotions that you describe so well.

 

This intense feeling of loneliness is crippling for me too, the fact is I am alone and finding it so hard. I am ruminating all the time over the loss of family.  Both my parents died within a year of each other back in 1991 and 1992. I was 28 then and have always felt cheated the whole of my life but had to get on and bring up my two sons at the time.  My sons are both grown up now and the last one left officially 3 years ago, he had been at uni for 3 years before that but wasn't too far away and came home lots. He  now lives a 4/5 hour drive away from me and its so hard to meet up and has to be planned around his busy life.  His girlfriend has large family and I feel like a stranger when I go to visit, and more so since the dreaded CT off the AD'S.

 

My other son, 4 years older, lives an hour and 15 mins away by car but again is busy with work and has two little boys.  His girlfriend also has large family nearby so they spend a lot of time with them. I do drive up to visit, hard sometimes, but its usually for babysitting duties.

 

I have tried to explained to my sons about what is happening with me but they don't get it at all and feel l am putting on them by trying to get them to understand, they clearly don't get it because two minutes later my son asks me to babysit and sometimes it is until quite late and then I drive home as no bed to stay in with them.

 

I have a brother 25 minutes away and meet up with him once every couple of weeks for coffee in a coffee shop.  He has 3 young adult children and a wife all at home.

 

I had separated from my sons Dad many years ago but we were good friends and he would help me with things and was a good support for us.  He sadly passed away in 2011 after a long battle with cancer, he was early 50's. After this I felt so alone and lost and felt I was losing everyone close to be and felt abandoned yet again.  I put  all my time and emotions into my sons which was good but I also forget to make a life for myself and now feeling the effects of this.

 

So I feel pretty much alone and dealing with this WD alone is very hard work.  The responsibilities of house, garden, bills etc is overwhelming for me these days, I didn't feel this way before WD, or the reality was masked, I don't know anymore. I work from home which is isolating but it has also probably saved me financially as I would not have been able to face a new job during all this. My house is safe for now but my current work will end by end of March next year which several months ago I wasn't too worried about as I thought and hoped I would be through this WD.  I am now not so sure if I will be ok by then.

 

This journey is relentless and I get so scared too that I will never be ok again. I have had a few good days but it doesn't last long enough for me to feel confident in the process.

 

I just have to believe that all will be well.  I am also concerned that age is against me to make any kind of new life for myself and sometimes I just think I don't want a new life I just want my family to live around the corner, so starts the rumination over and over and over..........The dark dark depression is such a horrible feeling and I do have some pretty bad thoughts from time to time but hope keeps me going, that is the only thing available.

 

All my friends are getting on with their lives, have husbands, partners, some have a parent or two, their children and their grandchildren on their doorstep and I am so envious and think if only I had that I would be ok!!!!  I probably wouldn't be!  I am sure it would help a bit though.

 

I find the weekends incredibly difficult with being on my own and my friends are busy with family etc.

 

I am always thinking that if I could just get better I can start doing more things outside and then maybe find some new friends that are in a similar position to me.

 

I feel I have not been able to give you any help only to let you know that I feel much the same, and I do understand your feelings and emotions.

 

Hope you can have an ok day.

 

Waves

 

 

Hi Waves!

Thanks for stopping by.

It is interesting how life can pan out for different people.

The horrible loss that you experience when you lose your parents - that you NEVER understand even remotely what that feels like UNTIL you've experienced it firsthand...

How you need to re-shape your life, but how?

Nobody really prepares you for that... you goto school, you have parents, friends etc, and you think that the path you start on is the path you stay on... sure there might be a few turns here and there, but nobody prepares you for the fact you'll be at a crossroads, and you KNOW that it's vitally important HOW and WHAT you choose?

Those moments in life - where it feels like it's all on the line.

It's the sort of things we have to work out for ourselves... somehow, but get help from lots of people... that come into your life at the right time.

I can look back at times when people have come into my life at around the time I needed them..

I haven't noticed many times when the reverse has happened, but I'm sure it has.


The scary part of the journey is that is seems that your brain is able to just create the worst possible scenarios in our minds.

Depression - CHECK - here is a checklist of all the things that YOU find depressing...  GO NUTS!

Anxiety - CHECK - here is a repeating loop of all the stuff that is your WORSE nightmare.

The words Anxiety and Depression don't seem to do it justice to the singleminded experiences we face in WD.

 

BUT it doesn't feel like you're specifically in withdrawal... like a caffeine headache if you give up coffee.

It feels organic, almost natural... so you think that what you are experiencing is totally real.

To an extent it's right, as it IS real for us RIGHT NOW in W/D.

It's so encompassing.

I thought I was in withdrawal during my taper - I'd have a bad patch for a few days or week at most, then return to a BLAH hum-drum (which is why i wanted off) experience.

Once fully off - the full withdrawal hit, but I lost my Mum RIGHT at the end too... so dealing with extremely distressing emotions while my brain is in full turmoil has been difficult to the extreme.

 

What do you do for work currently Waves?

I've found that just being at work helpful - although some days difficult.

I've got a few people who are becoming friends at work too.

I find spending too much time on your own to be very negative these days - the ruminating just intensifies - but gets you nowhere.

There is pain and discomfort inside, and you try and find an answer - but it doesn't seem to help one bit.

I've rarely been able to come up with a thought that shortcircuits the emotional pain.

Occassionally I have been able to.

I have had a few times after meditating that I've felt a bit of peace and calm.

 

As I said in my last post, I got a bit of comfort from attending my wife's church (I'm not a Christian) on Sunday - it was a mixed emotion, but there was positives there.

I would strongly recommend you find a social group or club or something to maybe join.

A book club?

I've been busier making time with friends which helps.

 

Going  back to my opening line in this post, it's strange how life can deal you a situation that we are faced with.  We have little control over that.

And when in WD, it's even HARDER than EVER...

I think it's so natural to think, well, this is it - I've lost all these people in my life...  what else is there?

BUT WE ARE STILL HERE!  We are here for a reason - we don't have to know WHAT that reason is, just that we have EVERY RIGHT to be here, and every right to be able to be happy.

There are plenty of people who have lost so much - and they find a way to grow again, from the ashes.

Withdrawal gives us so much emotional upheaval and pain and we have to learn patience with it, and to develop trust and hope... and faith.

Those are things we can choose to have, and esp when we DON'T feel it!

 

Waves - just resonating with my post you have offered something.  A connection.

 

I had a fairly good evening last night.

We just changed to daylight savings.  I started dinner, and went for a walk - I bumped into my daughters primary school teacher, and got talking.

That perked me up - and I was pretty good for the rest of the evening.

Watched uplifting shows on TV.. and even my daughter turned to my wife and suggested she look at her ipad less!

I do hope that happens!

 

Waves - where are you at your taper??

Share this post


Link to post
waves12   
waves12

What a lovely in depth thoughtful post, thank you.

 

As you say parents, school, work, marriage etc and then believe we have it all sorted in place. I have read opening lines in books, 'life is difficult' in one and 'life is suffering' in another.

Both are very true but didn't realise these applied to me too! 

 

I thought I was ok for many years whilst on the meds but now off completely for 16 months I realised I certainly was not ok at all and had a suspicion for a long time that I was far from ok.

 

I had pushed down every upset and emotion for years until of course it started seeping out, the band aid no longer working.  I had no idea what was ahead of me.

 

This journey is the best and worst thing I ever done, would have done differently had I known about the tapering sooner. I was 7 months off cold turkey when I landed here. I have tried reinstatement a few times but felt so bad had to stop so I now am in the full force of cold turkey and not a nice place to be.  Its hard to keep going but have no choice.

 

I work at home doing book keeping and find it difficult most of the time as need a semi good brain to do it, some days nothing makes any sense and things take so much longer to complete as I just stare at it not understanding at all. Feel as if brain has lost its power and is running on old batteries.

to

I do get out to see friends at any opportunity possible and do find it very hard to be in the house and being alone with my thoughts, infact I am finding being with me more and more difficult as time passes.

 

I know I am not the only person to be dealing with family loss and of course this is part of life, it is how we deal with it that is important, I haven't quite mastered this even after many losses and many years passed.  A friend told me we never get over it we just come to terms with it a little more each year, I agree.

 

During this withdrawal everything has come back to me as if it were very recent, find this strange but there again I don't think things were real til off the meds.

 

I do get quite excited some days when feeling ok that I am going to have a new life with a different outlook and the fact that I have the freedom to pretty much do what I want to, on bad days I long for the old life and all things familiar, which one is real?!

 

When I look back I realise that my not coping, hence getting on to meds, was possibly to do with holding everything together until one day I couldn't and off I went to doctors, they do say depression and anxiety are signals that should not be ignored and are there to tell us something, wish the doctors would look at this the same way instead of giving out pills.

 

It is good you have your family around you, I find it interesting to read other peoples experiences when they do have family, it helps me.  I assumed that if the family are around the suffering is less in WD, not the case at all from my reading here.

 

I am having yet another bad day and feel slammed today again.  I have been out most of the day and with two different friends and whist it lovely to be out it has not lifted my spirits at all today.  Its just the way it is for today.

 

We have to keep walking through this pain suffering and relentless b.s. I hope it will ease up and go away one day.

 

I hope you have a good evening with your family, and thank you again for your post it was very detailed and enjoyable to read if that is the right term!

 

Waves

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999
On 10/4/2017 at 3:13 AM, waves12 said:

What a lovely in depth thoughtful post, thank you.

 

As you say parents, school, work, marriage etc and then believe we have it all sorted in place. I have read opening lines in books, 'life is difficult' in one and 'life is suffering' in another.

Both are very true but didn't realise these applied to me too! 

 

I thought I was ok for many years whilst on the meds but now off completely for 16 months I realised I certainly was not ok at all and had a suspicion for a long time that I was far from ok.

 

I had pushed down every upset and emotion for years until of course it started seeping out, the band aid no longer working.  I had no idea what was ahead of me.

 

This journey is the best and worst thing I ever done, would have done differently had I known about the tapering sooner. I was 7 months off cold turkey when I landed here. I have tried reinstatement a few times but felt so bad had to stop so I now am in the full force of cold turkey and not a nice place to be.  Its hard to keep going but have no choice.

 

I work at home doing book keeping and find it difficult most of the time as need a semi good brain to do it, some days nothing makes any sense and things take so much longer to complete as I just stare at it not understanding at all. Feel as if brain has lost its power and is running on old batteries.

to

I do get out to see friends at any opportunity possible and do find it very hard to be in the house and being alone with my thoughts, infact I am finding being with me more and more difficult as time passes.

 

I know I am not the only person to be dealing with family loss and of course this is part of life, it is how we deal with it that is important, I haven't quite mastered this even after many losses and many years passed.  A friend told me we never get over it we just come to terms with it a little more each year, I agree.

 

During this withdrawal everything has come back to me as if it were very recent, find this strange but there again I don't think things were real til off the meds.

 

I do get quite excited some days when feeling ok that I am going to have a new life with a different outlook and the fact that I have the freedom to pretty much do what I want to, on bad days I long for the old life and all things familiar, which one is real?!

 

When I look back I realise that my not coping, hence getting on to meds, was possibly to do with holding everything together until one day I couldn't and off I went to doctors, they do say depression and anxiety are signals that should not be ignored and are there to tell us something, wish the doctors would look at this the same way instead of giving out pills.

 

It is good you have your family around you, I find it interesting to read other peoples experiences when they do have family, it helps me.  I assumed that if the family are around the suffering is less in WD, not the case at all from my reading here.

 

I am having yet another bad day and feel slammed today again.  I have been out most of the day and with two different friends and whist it lovely to be out it has not lifted my spirits at all today.  Its just the way it is for today.

 

We have to keep walking through this pain suffering and relentless b.s. I hope it will ease up and go away one day.

 

I hope you have a good evening with your family, and thank you again for your post it was very detailed and enjoyable to read if that is the right term!

 

Waves

 

 

 

 

 

The longer I've been in withdrawal (my taper doesn't count and the drug is still having an effect) the more I'm realizing that the suppression that occurs in our minds - mostly at a subconscious level is very deep and very profound.

I believe that is what causes the "everything is ok" numbed out feeling - and also the feeling that something is missing or wrong.

 

When we fully remove the drug - it's as if the nervous system KNOWS it's been suppressed, and the primal systems of fear (amygdala) fire up - as it thinks it has to reassess everything in the environment again - everything is a threat as it's suddenly woken up - with no bearings anymore.

 

The level of fear, sorrow, depression etc etc is just amazing.

The feeling that nowhere is safe is horrible, and of course we try and fix it... and we can't... but the deepest held fears we carry are fully activated.

 

I'm starting to notice that when my anxiety goes a little bit quiet, I can feel the effect it's had on my adrenal system, totally fatigued - not just tired, but exhausted.

 

I also tend to agree it doesn't seem to matter one bit what your ACTUAL situation is in life in this withdrawal, it seems to bring us to our knees.. and finds ways of keeping us there.

 

My situation is sort of unique in a way - that I'm an only child, to a Dad who was an only child - my Mum's sister never had kids, her youngest brother also never had kids (he's alive but sick currently).  Her eldest brother DID have kids, but moved to far north Queensland, basically, never met them or saw them or spoke to them.

Mum's cousin - whom I've not really liked, fell out with me over the funeral arrangements for my own mother this year.  Again, she always turned down offers to pop in to say hi when visiting Mum 4 doors up the road.

Dad's family is in the UK - and again very similar story there - either 1 child, or no kids. 

I have recently found myself getting EXTREMELY angry towards all this extended family for abandoning me to this existence.

I have friends, but I feel with the death of my mother this year after Dad 5 years earlier, I've been compeltely cut off from what little family I did have.

Feel adrift and alone.

I have my lovely wife and daughter, and step-son... but something very fundamental and deep has been ripped out of me.

Maybe this was the grief that was suppressed by the stupid lexapro I was on when Dad died 5 years ago?????

It seems to be heavily related.

But as you say - you feel like you are reliving everything all over again in withdrawal.

The subconscious mind is in chaos.

 

I can relate EXACTLY to what you say about having a good day and thinking it's ok (even then when it's a good day for me, something still feels like it's missing).. and then you get the bad days - and you don't know if you'll go back to how you were before the drugs messed with you, or if you have to forge a new life??  From what?

Feels SO HARD to know.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
FSL   
FSL
16 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

The longer I've been in withdrawal (my taper doesn't count and the drug is still having an effect) the more I'm realizing that the suppression that occurs in our minds - mostly at a subconscious level is very deep and very profound.

I believe that is what causes the "everything is ok" numbed out feeling - and also the feeling that something is missing or wrong.

 

Absolutely, your description is very accurate. I think what the chemical does is hide everything, and you enter in that zombie state. That's why they claim a suicidal will  less likely commit suicide because of that. You simply stop caring BUT at the same time you don't deal with the real problem. That's why therapy is mandatory with a good professional that can listen you and work with you (I know they are goldust).

 

When we fully remove the drug - it's as if the nervous system KNOWS it's been suppressed, and the primal systems of fear (amygdala) fire up - as it thinks it has to reassess everything in the environment again - everything is a threat as it's suddenly woken up - with no bearings anymore.

 

Correct ! you remove the drug everything that was hidden comes back 100000% worse!

 

The level of fear, sorrow, depression etc etc is just amazing.

The feeling that nowhere is safe is horrible, and of course we try and fix it... and we can't... but the deepest held fears we carry are fully activated.

 

Correct and only time will tell who is stronger: Your resilience or the drug (or the absence of it)

 

5
 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999

HI FSL

 

However, what appears to be the case in WD is the FEELINGS are real, but they're SORT of connected to real memories and thoughts - but mostly I'm just anxious and stressed MOST of the time now - to the point where it's tight across my chest (I can tell it's not my heart - I'm not anxious about health)... 

even when distracting myself, it never really goes away fully - it's rebound amygdala generating fear and anxiety and it's linked with previous pain and memories.

I just have to keep telling myself that although my life is very different now - in terms of no parents (I never felt I was emotionally dependant on them being alive for my own peace of mind - whereas thats how it feels now).  I'm still with my wife, and no signs of that ending.

My depressed state (artificial and chemically driven) is seeing ALL the negative aspects of my life and coming up - and it can't cope.

The loss of my direct family - the growing up of my kids - and then just me and my wife at home - how we changed so much - to being so focused on the kids.

Dreading the inevitable empty nest!!!!  It devastated my Dad - and my brain is convinced that'll happen to me.

When I left home, it was as if (I could tell) his entire reason for living was through me - and somehow I feel I've suddenly inherited that.

I used to be very much my own person - had a bunch of things I enjoyed, just because I could.. without the dreaded existential yuck nuking anything thats enjoyable!!! The horrible feeling of one glance at the open chasm of endless depression and I'm instantly slipping into it.

When you're not depressed, it's hard to make yourself depressed - I remember that.

But when you ARE depressed frame of mind, it's hard NOT to be.

 

I felt like my life was somethign else while on Lexapro - somewhat invinceable - now I feel exactly the opposite.

Completely shattered, and vulnerable.

 

As all members have said, it's the worst hell imaginable this WD.

 

I just need to tell myself it IS WD - and I WILL be better.

 

Share this post


Link to post
LexAnger   
LexAnger

Hi Scottly,

just want to stop by to let you know you are in my thoughts! I have been stupruggling a lot being in the worst part of my own battle so barely can visit. I am so sorry you are still struggling so much and not seeing improvement in the emotional department after being off 5 months. 

 

This is process is a true hell for many of us even in different manners! 

Only way is moving forward and waiting for our time. We will see each other through the worst and all the way out! 

 

Lex

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999
1 minute ago, LexAnger said:

Hi Scottly,

just want to stop by to let you know you are in my thoughts! I have been stupruggling a lot being in the worst part of my own battle so barely can visit. I am so sorry you are still struggling so much and not seeing improvement in the emotional department after being off 5 months. 

 

This is process is a true hell for many of us even in different manners! 

Only way is moving forward and waiting for our time. We will see each other through the worst and all the way out! 

 

Lex

Hi Lex

Have been thinking of you too - as you finally made the jump to 0.

At the time it's  cause for celebration!!  But then it slowly turns into the hardest part of the journey.

one day at a time.

Thats all we have - this moment - right here, right now.

No need to think about anything else.

 

I feel like I'm started to listen to my anxiety - it's a very very similar message I had in my early 20's.

When I slowly became an adult - as an only child - my parents weren't big socializers, or planners for many activities - they relied on me for their socializing with my friends.

I slowly felt like I was nothing just in my room - into my 20's... I didn't have much direction - but slowly sank into anxiety and depression... about how little family I had and that when I was with my friends I was sort of ok, but didn't like extended stretches of time on my own (even at my parents place)... I wasn't brought up to set goals and achieve stuff... was quite happy and content for years just with what was in front of me.

 

I can see that where I'm stuck is VERY SIMILAR to that time in my life - but it's intensified enormously.

Very much the same experience though - overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessless and dread of being on my own.

Even though so much of my hobbies are based around that.

 

I need to work on a way of feeling whole and complete with my limited family size... and feel ok to be alone again.

I DID have it.

felt safe for years (even way before Lexapro) when my family was small and new - and to an extent with parents still here, and kids still young, I felt like the central focus on the family and my existence to an extent.

That has changed.  No parents, kids growing up the safe family space feels like it's evaporating, and I'm left with myself again (I do have my wife, and normally we get along really well, good company - but lately with both our problems we haven't been as much good company to each other)...

So the problems I that I thought went away - have come back home to roost.


It feels incredibly difficult to actually express it in words, it's more a feeling of impending horror and doom at the thought of how my life currently is - and how it'll pan out.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
LexAnger   
LexAnger

Scottly, Are you taking any supplements now?

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999
1 minute ago, LexAnger said:

Scottly, Are you taking any supplements now?

Yep.

Loads of fish oil, a multivitamin, magnesium chelate and was taking St John's wort and was taking taurine.  I've been feeling terrible and directly attributed taurine to some of it and figured I need a break as of today stopped at John wort.

 

You?

 

Share this post


Link to post
LexAnger   
LexAnger

The only thing I have been taking is fish oil until two days ago.

i asked the question because of my experience two days ago starting 10 mg Magnesium Glycinate.

 

Here it is how it went for me. I didn't feel much from The first dose on day 1, while the second dose immediately shoot me into a coma like status for 2 hour I actually either fell into sleep ( mid of day, and I had a great sleep the night before) or in a real coma. Later at night, I was woken up by the worst panic attack for the entire night feeling crazy regardless how strong I tried to hold and how much walks and breathing I did. It lessened some the next morning ( today) but overall still very anxious with pounding heart, shaky whole, icy burning, nausea etc. the reaction I got is much stronger than reaction I had to lexapro. And I rarely had anxious feelings all these year definitely not the panic. so I searched around about this supplement on line all around. 

 

I found although it's popularly recommended, MAG can be very stimulating and aniexty inducing for some ppl like me when their systems are super sensitized.

although my experience as a whole is a disaster. I did feel it's power of relaxing muscles etc., just 1 second for me like my body tension was lifted then all the hell broke loose.

 

i thought about your main symptoms after my experience, wonder if it's anything to do with the supplements you are taking.

 

i don't remember you mentioned anxiety much while tapering. Is it more since stopping lex? Any possible relationship to any of the supplement?

 

im glad you stopped st. Johns worts. I read quite a bit about the risk taking it.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
powerback   
powerback
9 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

even when distracting myself, it never really goes away fully - it's rebound amygdala generating fear and anxiety and it's linked with previous pain and memories.

hi scottly ,this is so true ,in the few months I'm tapering I'm getting all kinds of random memories from the past popping up ,its very interesting how the memories become unlocked and to go further down the road without drugs we need to sit with and understand these memories ,somewhat like nuero emotions but they have an original origin .so with the amygdala under stress its taking the memory and the feelings and mixing them together to cause the stress and anxiety  ,its nuts what goes on with it .I'm struggling to drop the silliest stuff .

I wonder if the memory I have from the past warrants the strong feelings I'm having now ,its like my anxiety I'm having now is getting artificially implanted into that memory ,very strange .

 

another member put me onto a book "the body keeps the score "

heres the audio book I listened to ,the 3 hours that's up on YouTube  I'm not sure if this is all the book but a good listen all the same .

 

I found it very interesting and theres interviews with the author .

Share this post


Link to post
powerback   
powerback
9 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

I felt like my life was somethign else while on Lexapro - somewhat invinceable - now I feel exactly the opposite.

 

9 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

Completely shattered, and vulnerable.

this is exactly what we are left with after the meds and there will only be proper research done if there can be money made from it .

so its up to us to find the path ,everything I'm reading about anxiety and panic is saying we have to learn to sit with feelings and let them dissipate, CBT in other words .

I had a bad time a couple of weeks ago with panic and anxiety but siting in the house is awful for me ,so I practiced the CBT and stayed on the train for 70 minutes to were I was going for my walk .I need to practice it more in better practical environments also.

I find these guys very good and they make a lot of sense .

Share this post


Link to post
FSL   
FSL

Hi, Scottly,

 

Sorry to invade your thread, but I'm experiencing some of your symptoms in a very mild version. Note that I'm still on a 1,44mg daily dose of Lexapro. (I started with 20mg)

 

The amazing thing is that on the previous dose (1,59) I didn't feel anything at all. Well, I had the symptoms of being on the drug but now as my mind and body adjust to this new dose, a pack of symptoms invaded me and got me wondering if this 1,44mg is my threshold from the upcoming WD hell.(Do you remember at what dosage it started to feel like hell to you?)

 

Insomnia has come, and some of that doom and sorrow as well. But as I said in a very mild version. 

 

The problem is, how can someone have like a real job, with responsibilities and at the same time dealing with all these WD symptoms? 

 

Back in 2014 I jumped from 4,0mg to zero (at the time I didn't know better) and I only lasted a month before reinstating 10mg,

 

I remember exactly the day that I had to give up: I was lying on my bed with insomnia and an inner voice came up from nowhere and started saying: "Kill yourself now! come on commit suicide!".

 

But I'm everything but suicidal, in fact , I love living and my life is in many ways very good.

 

I fell I needed to share this with you to say that I well know what WD fase is, especially after jumping to zero.  I know that voice was just dread and anxiety exploding inside of me due to the small cold turkey I did..Lexapro and other similar drugs turn you into a hibernate emotional grenade When we stop taking it that grenade explodes and we are left alone to deal with it.
 

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999
21 hours ago, LexAnger said:

The only thing I have been taking is fish oil until two days ago.

i asked the question because of my experience two days ago starting 10 mg Magnesium Glycinate.

 

Here it is how it went for me. I didn't feel much from The first dose on day 1, while the second dose immediately shoot me into a coma like status for 2 hour I actually either fell into sleep ( mid of day, and I had a great sleep the night before) or in a real coma. Later at night, I was woken up by the worst panic attack for the entire night feeling crazy regardless how strong I tried to hold and how much walks and breathing I did. It lessened some the next morning ( today) but overall still very anxious with pounding heart, shaky whole, icy burning, nausea etc. the reaction I got is much stronger than reaction I had to lexapro. And I rarely had anxious feelings all these year definitely not the panic. so I searched around about this supplement on line all around. 

 

I found although it's popularly recommended, MAG can be very stimulating and aniexty inducing for some ppl like me when their systems are super sensitized.

although my experience as a whole is a disaster. I did feel it's power of relaxing muscles etc., just 1 second for me like my body tension was lifted then all the hell broke loose.

 

i thought about your main symptoms after my experience, wonder if it's anything to do with the supplements you are taking.

 

i don't remember you mentioned anxiety much while tapering. Is it more since stopping lex? Any possible relationship to any of the supplement?

 

im glad you stopped st. Johns worts. I read quite a bit about the risk taking it.

 

 

Hi Lex

 

I didn't seem to have much anxiety while tapering, sort of a background feeling of it, but wasn't forefront in my mind.

Looking back - before I started tapering, I could tell something was wrong, and couldn't put my finger on it, just an ill-at-ease feeling, but mostly was still numbed by the drug for the most part.  But it wouldn't go away, and I couldn't bounce back from it.

The last few weeks have been constant anxiety - a really intense form of anxiety - that builds right upto the thought that I can't cope, and I'm going to lose it, which is basically the verge of a panic attack.

Apart from those few years in my younger days - I didn't experience this.

But What it feels like is that my life as come full circle back to those horrible empty days.

It's SO confusing - is it really my situation or is it my mind playing tricks?

I desperately want that inner calm feeling of everything is ok and as it should be - and I can be comfortable in my own skin and my situation in life.

I feel like I'm climbing the walls trying to escape from my life situation...

I look around at people who still have their parents, and have brothers or sisters, and cousins and all that... and then I look at me - and only child, no siblings, notihng really.. just the 4 of us at home... step-son is 20 (no job yet, but really building his own life, friends, going out etc).. that feeling of the core family unit breaking up..

I HATE that.

It's what gave me such peace of mind for so long.

Now it feels as I've been thrown back into the pit of hell of my own mind, my my isolation and I feel so desperate about it.

 

I just feel so stunned at how my home feels empty and it just feels SO WRONG to be quiet and on my own now.

And yet years ago how just being home with my family gave me such peace and fulfillment.

 

You know how you visit a lonely old person - and you can just FEEL their desperation at their situation, thats how I feel about myself now.

Yet, I have a wife here, and my daughter is still only 12.


I'm projecting forward to when SHE also leaves home, and I'm living in that empty nest - already.

 

This MUST be withdrawal right?

 

I can feel that my body is really under a lot of strain right now - how it feels quite depleted - where I can feel I'm going to have to give up coffee for a while - while this intense stress is wracking havoc on me.

I'm finding it incredibly hard to accept this.

 

Back on topic - I'm not sure if anything in particular is triggering it in terms of supplements.

I know that when I started with Taurine - after 2-3 days my anxiety really spiked - it hasn't really gone down since.

I'm only 2 days of so stopping St Johns Wort - as it wasn't really making much of an improvement at all.

 

I've gone wildly off topic really - sorry!!

It does seem like you are experiencing some emotional symptoms yourself since getting to 0mg.

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999
16 hours ago, FSL said:

Hi, Scottly,

 

Sorry to invade your thread, but I'm experiencing some of your symptoms in a very mild version. Note that I'm still on a 1,44mg daily dose of Lexapro. (I started with 20mg)

 

The amazing thing is that on the previous dose (1,59) I didn't feel anything at all. Well, I had the symptoms of being on the drug but now as my mind and body adjust to this new dose, a pack of symptoms invaded me and got me wondering if this 1,44mg is my threshold from the upcoming WD hell.(Do you remember at what dosage it started to feel like hell to you?)

 

Insomnia has come, and some of that doom and sorrow as well. But as I said in a very mild version. 

 

The problem is, how can someone have like a real job, with responsibilities and at the same time dealing with all these WD symptoms? 

 

Back in 2014 I jumped from 4,0mg to zero (at the time I didn't know better) and I only lasted a month before reinstating 10mg,

 

I remember exactly the day that I had to give up: I was lying on my bed with insomnia and an inner voice came up from nowhere and started saying: "Kill yourself now! come on commit suicide!".

 

But I'm everything but suicidal, in fact , I love living and my life is in many ways very good.

 

I fell I needed to share this with you to say that I well know what WD fase is, especially after jumping to zero.  I know that voice was just dread and anxiety exploding inside of me due to the small cold turkey I did..Lexapro and other similar drugs turn you into a hibernate emotional grenade When we stop taking it that grenade explodes and we are left alone to deal with it.
 

Hi FSL

 

Is FSL short for The Flash??

 

EVerybody is welcome to join in the discussion - I find that everybody's posts help.  A different perspective is beneficial.

I did feel some spikes in anxiety and depression while tapering - for me it was mostly depressive waves while tapering... they lacked energy at the time.

Now it feels like the brakes are off, and it's ZOOMING away with full overdrive anxiety.

I just have to remind myself - reading the success stories that EVERYBODY had this - and THEY GOT THROUGH IT.

I'm sure that everybody's anxiety and depression is whatever their WORST CASE SCENARIOS are in THEIR OWN MINDS.

Otherwise it wouldn't be their ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION would it!?????

 

As for what dose felt like hell...?

I always expected I'd get my emotions back in their full spectrum gradually as I reduced in dose - but I always felt very anhedonic most of the time - very BLAH.

I'd usually get a mild HIGH - I wouldn't even call is euphoric, it was an agitated UP for about a week or so after dropping my dose.

That would then crash into a depressive wave for a week or so, then just blah and meh - and yucky...

I'd mistake that for stable, and drop again, rinse and repeat.

It was fairly predictable really.

The real hell has been since being at 0.

What I feel and experience now - at 5 or so months out is very different to 1-2 months out.

That was VERY scary and very dark.

this is different, in ways that is hard to explain.

I'm due for a window... i THOUGHT i felt one coming on last night, I felt slightly calmer.

Met up with a great friend and his wife at his parents place for a few hours - during that I felt sort of ok, but in the back of my mind was the horror of the quietness and being AT HOME - which was nagging away.

 

Today it's a beautiful day out - perfect day weather wise... and I'm going to go and cut the grass.

My wife has gone to a doll show.  I'm home with my daughter and step-son upstairs still.

But I feel full of dread and stress and depression.

It's just disgusting.

It's all tight around my left side - such tension.

Anxiety and stress about my life and situation.

I've got plans to goto friends for dinner with wife and daughter - but it still doesn't feel enough.

It's just stupid.

 

I had an interesting time at the psych this week.

He got me to sit in the chair next to me and "speak" on behalf of abandonment - but I'm not sure it's being abandoned thats the issue - it's the feeling of ... I don't know - it's driving me bonkers trying to label it.

But anyway - I was able to speak FOR abandonment next to myself.

when asked what would make it feel better and satisified - I couldn't answer it.

And even now, I ask the "stress" what WOULD make you feel better?????

I can't answer it - I can't actually think of a THING or way to satisify it.

Just not being me in my life... but thats just so vague and general.

 

So THAT sort of says to me - it's just the amygdala running WILD and CRAZY unchecked - picturing and living out it's worst nightmares - NOT my actual situation.

Even saying that gives mabye at most 2% relief - not much.

 

This must be just WD and the healing happening, the necessary steps to go through to return to normal.

 

I'm NOT going to let this crap beat me.

 

I guess my worst fear is to end up totally alone - with nobody caring about me - or just existing in a big empty house.. what difference would it make.

and My mind is projecting that forward as my future.

that I'll lose my wife and kids won't care about me - it isn't based on actual truth though.

 

C'mon window - time to open up!!!

 

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999
17 hours ago, powerback said:

 

this is exactly what we are left with after the meds and there will only be proper research done if there can be money made from it .

so its up to us to find the path ,everything I'm reading about anxiety and panic is saying we have to learn to sit with feelings and let them dissipate, CBT in other words .

I had a bad time a couple of weeks ago with panic and anxiety but siting in the house is awful for me ,so I practiced the CBT and stayed on the train for 70 minutes to were I was going for my walk .I need to practice it more in better practical environments also.

I find these guys very good and they make a lot of sense .

Hey Powerback.

I'll give this a listen.

 

I can feel that so much of my stress and anxiety right now is FIGHTING myself, fighting my situation..

 

Share this post


Link to post
baroquep   
baroquep

Hi Scottly, Congratulations for getting off of Lexapro in such a careful manner.  I am not personally familiar with the drug but have heard that it is among one of the most potent antidepressants on the market, so good for you, it couldn't have been easy.  Glad to hear that you are seeing a psychologist, I think it is important to have a good support system in place until you are feeling better.  After being on these drugs for such a long time, our brain has adapted to its presence and it takes time for things to settle back to normal and function the way it is suppose to function.  Think it's important that we try not to fight the anxiety and personally I think it just makes things worse. As well, floating through neuroemotions is so important.  If you fight them, you make them stronger, if you ignore them - the same.  But acknowledging them, naming them, and floating with them - until they release and let go of you - is a valuable tool. Thought maybe some of the links below might help you get to walk through some of the more difficult times and learn to manage the anxiety so it lessens its impact on us.  

 

Powerback has some good insight on one way to try and manage the panic and anxiety and I read about another trick that can help.  All of these techniques take practice until our brain becomes accustomed to functioning in a different way, i.e., the anxiety or the normal way we manage uncomfortable emotions has put a groove into our system whereby as uncomfortable as it is, its familiar, and the first place we go, and until we practice and learn a new way of thinking, that groove just gets deeper.  Once we start practicing mindfulness and acceptance, we start scratching the surface until we master it and put a new groove into our way of thinking and with a little practice, I believe we can rewrite the way we think and manage emotions.  Of course, it doesn't happen overnight, I've been trying to change the way I naturally manage anxiety (not too well) by continually challenging my go to way of thinking.  It's a slow process, believe me, it takes a while to overcome our natural tendencies and to find new ways of thinking.    

 

Mindfulness and Acceptance

Neuro Emotions

Non-Drug Techniques to Cope with Emotional Symptoms

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999
On 10/7/2017 at 1:43 PM, baroquep said:

Hi Scottly, Congratulations for getting off of Lexapro in such a careful manner.  I am not personally familiar with the drug but have heard that it is among one of the most potent antidepressants on the market, so good for you, it couldn't have been easy.  Glad to hear that you are seeing a psychologist, I think it is important to have a good support system in place until you are feeling better.  After being on these drugs for such a long time, our brain has adapted to its presence and it takes time for things to settle back to normal and function the way it is suppose to function.  Think it's important that we try not to fight the anxiety and personally I think it just makes things worse. As well, floating through neuroemotions is so important.  If you fight them, you make them stronger, if you ignore them - the same.  But acknowledging them, naming them, and floating with them - until they release and let go of you - is a valuable tool. Thought maybe some of the links below might help you get to walk through some of the more difficult times and learn to manage the anxiety so it lessens its impact on us.  

 

Powerback has some good insight on one way to try and manage the panic and anxiety and I read about another trick that can help.  All of these techniques take practice until our brain becomes accustomed to functioning in a different way, i.e., the anxiety or the normal way we manage uncomfortable emotions has put a groove into our system whereby as uncomfortable as it is, its familiar, and the first place we go, and until we practice and learn a new way of thinking, that groove just gets deeper.  Once we start practicing mindfulness and acceptance, we start scratching the surface until we master it and put a new groove into our way of thinking and with a little practice, I believe we can rewrite the way we think and manage emotions.  Of course, it doesn't happen overnight, I've been trying to change the way I naturally manage anxiety (not too well) by continually challenging my go to way of thinking.  It's a slow process, believe me, it takes a while to overcome our natural tendencies and to find new ways of thinking.    

 

Mindfulness and Acceptance

Neuro Emotions

Non-Drug Techniques to Cope with Emotional Symptoms

 

Thank you Baroquep.

Although the congratulations on getting to 0mg seems a bit hollow - as although the taper WAS difficult, the fact that the drug was still acting on my nervous system meant that I was shielded from the more nasty aspects that have been unleashed since hitting 0.

 

I'm getting the feeling that most of the people who have survived and got better really embraced the acceptance and letting go mindsets.

The natural tendency to get completely caught up in the inner strain and stress and anguish is so strong.

The emotions are really stronger than they should be.

the total dispair and dread and doom, and the feeling of "the worst case scenario just happened" is so compelling.

Even if it's somewhat true.

Even distraction seems difficult.

I notice that currently the most effective distraction is lots of talking to lots of friends, about just stuff.  nothnig fancy or deep.

 

I'm finding that I've been suffering consistently HIGH levels of extreme anxiety currently - it sort of changes what it's about, but I'm just run ragged currently.

I can feel the physical affect it's had on my body - feel totally depleated.

Yet, the insomnia has really kicked in with early waking.

 

I'm struggling to give a voice to my anxious thoughts and name them, and "ride with them"

What is the difference between ignoring them and floating with them?

How can I float???

There is a bit section in The Happiness Trap where it talks about "Expansion", which is where you notice where the emotion has manifested itself in your body - notice it, welcome it, and look at it, what shape does it have?  how does it feel?  Study it as if you were a scientist and then breathe in and around it.

Stop struggling with it.

I find it really hard to do.

 

During all this time of months of barely any windows, I've worried that I've created patterns of thinking that'll stay with me now.

 

Share this post


Link to post
scottly9999   
scottly9999

Check in time...

 

Not a lot has changed.. the intense tight muscle stress and anxiety has eased off... it was there for a long time.

It's replaced itself with depression again...

I sort of had a few glances of relief, but not very long lasting.

I'm almost 100% convinced this is mostly withdrawal - as the emotion is pretty much there 100% of the time, not as a result of specific thoughts...

so the feeling is there - so your brain makes it real.

You can't really do much to switch it off either.

 

Really looking into the Claire Weekes "floating" stuff, trying to relax into it and trust it'll pass.

It's hard to trust it though - as you still haev nagging doubts that the emotions ARE coming from REAL things and situations.

 

Basically from what I've read, the brain is rapidly healing itself, and all the systems of the brain are firing all off-kilter and creating these emotions of dread, doom, anxiety, panic, "worse case scenario has come true", "I can't cope with my life"... on and on and on...

AND it has NO OTHER WAY to work, but to MAKE it real... it is constantly scrambling to connect the dots of what could POSSIBLY make me FEEL the way I am.

It's lying.

The grain of truth in the thoughts IS THERE, but the reason they're active - is mostly lies.

 

I need to relax into and above the emotions.

I need to meditate daily to grow my observing mind that doesn't associate with the feelings so strongly.

 

I can't "fix" any of the thoughts.

i'm constantly looking at how I feel now about my life - and thinking this is how I'll feel forever... and how facing an empty nest in years to come, how much worst that will be!!!!

The Inner desperation, the restlessless, and no-safe-place in my mind is horrible to experience.

The "shell of a human" is SO true.

 

So again, the relating of how I feel now in my brain is linked to what my life is like now, and thinking it'll only get worse!!!

I seem to need a LOT of external social stimulation now - I never used to, in fact after being around people too much CRAVED my own space.

Now I can't stand my own space - a desperate bit to try and escape myself.

Where is there to go but in myself!?

 

I'm about to go on holiday with teh family for 2 weeks - and this should be good.

A change of pace - NO work (which is SO BORING currently)... and quality time with the family.

I probably wno't logon much then, but thanks for anybody who reads my story.

 

Share this post


Link to post
FSL   
FSL

Hi buddy!

 

No doubt that when you get rid of the medication your anxiety will increase 1000%. And your brain follows the pattern because the brain tends to pair up with our emotion and feelings.

 

And when anxious your brain will throw at you thoughts to give you the opportunity to solve the problem. 

 

So now that you are constantly anxious (consciously or not), your brain is just following you saying: "You are not worthy, look at your past?, what do you have?, kill yourself, etc. Your bain is just saying "Fix it!"

 

So that's why you cant' stop ruminating. You feel anxious----brain gives more thoughts----you get more anxious----brain carry on giving more and more thoughts.

 

Easier said than done you have to stop the cycle. The most important thing is getting rid or decreasing the anxiety. 

 

What you call (WD depression) is nothing more than depression caused by stress and anxiety. Depression is a mechanism your brain uses to stop feeling the crippling discomfort caused by anxiety. 

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.